The Four Archetypes of my Submission

It’s the penultimate day of my adventure through Kayla Lords and John Brownstone’s 30 Days of D/s programme, and today is all about exploring what kind of submissive or Dominant you are. Are you a slave, a pup, a kitten, a brat, a little, or something else?

Two rubber ducks, one red and decorated like an angel, and one black and decorated as a devil. For a post on submissive archetypes.

I can be lots of different things when I’m submitting. It depends on the mood, the activity, the partner I’m with… all kinds of factors are at play. There are definitely some themes which crop up again and again, though – and today I wanted to share the archetypes I tend to embody when I’m in my submissive role.

The Good Girl

This is where my service submissive gets to go to her happy place. Fundamentally, when I’m in Good Girl mode, I want to please the person I’m submitting to. I want to be praised and given verbal and non-verbal affirmation that I’m doing a good job.

What to say when I’m in this mood: “You’re such a good girl. Sir is so proud of you.” What not to say: “That’s not good enough, I am disappointed.”

The Victim

This is where the darker side of my kinks comes out to play. This is the place for consensual non-consent, fear play and all those other delightful dark, twisted corners of my fantasies. In this mood, I want to be taken. I want to be victimised. I don’t want softness or concern or mercy… I want to be an object for the other person’s desires.

What to say when I’m in this mood: “Shut up, I’m going to do it to you whether you scream or not.”
What not to say: “Is that okay? Do you want me to go gentler?” (Unless said in a sarcastic/mocking tone, maybe. I have a safeword if it’s not okay!)

The Willing Sex Slave

This is the space where I just want to sexually service my partner and get fucked. This is definitely the most purely sexual of my submissive archetypes. It’s where I’m not so fussed about pain or sensation or roleplay, I just want you to use my body to get yourself off. (And maybe give me a few dozen orgasms in the process.) I want to suck you off and hear you moan about what a good fucktoy I am. I want to have my legs spread and feel your fingers probing into my cunt while you make fun of my wetness.

What to say when I’m in this mood: “You’re going to suck my cock for as long as I like and if you’re lucky, I might fuck you afterwards.”
What not to say: “I suppose we can get you off if you really want.” (Clue: acting like my pleasure is a chore = not sexy.)

The Brat

I love bratting occasionally. It doesn’t come out very often, but mostly when I’m in a very silly or playful mood. When I’m in this space, I want to be tamed into submission by someone who takes the brattyness as a challenge. I want them to pin me down while I’m giggling and struggling and trying to run away. I want them to try to intimidate me into telling them where I’ve hidden their favourite whip. (Not that I would EVER do this. Honest!)

What to say when I’m in this mood: “If you don’t start behaving I’m going to take off this belt and beat you into submission.”
What not to say: “Ugh, I hate brats, why can’t you be a proper submissive?”

How about you, dear friends? Which submissive archetypes do you embody when you play?

Kinky item of the day: NeonWand! I love electro play. It can be painful, sensual, teasing, sexy or any combination of things. And as long as you follow the instructions carefully and communicate, these kits make it a lot safer than you might think. This Kinklab kit is a good alternative to an original Violet Wand, which can run to hundreds of pounds for even a basic model.

The image featured in this post was reproduced under Creative Commons Licensing.  

When You’re Exploring, Not Everything Will Work – and That’s Okay!

This one’s late! Sorry sorry sorry! I had a really bad mental health day yesterday. Trigger warning: this post talks about consensual non-consent including rape fantasy.

I’d like to thank Sarah Brynn Holliday for becoming my latest sexy patron. You should check out her blog, she does brilliant work. If YOU’D like to support my work here, please visit my Patreon and pledge at any level. Even $1 a month means so much and you’ll get access to occasional exclusive content and get your very own shout-out here (with a link to your blog or Twitter if you have them.)

A close up on a map, magnifying glass and compass. For a post on exploring kinks and when they don't work.

So, onto today’s topic which, credit where it’s due, was suggested by my sweetie The Artist when I messaged them going “heeeeeelp I’m not inspired”! Today’s prompt from 30 Days of D/s (it’s nearly over, y’all!) is all about exploring your kinks together with a partner, in particular things you haven’t tried but would like to.

I’ve tried a lot of kinky shit over the years. Like, a lot. I’m not gonna say “name a kinky thing and I’ve probably done it,” because some of you have truly devious imaginations. But I’ve been doing this stuff for well over a decade. I have a lot of experience. At the start of our relationship, The Artist asked me what I hadn’t done and might like to try. I was just like “oh shit what have I not done!?”

Inevitably, perhaps, I’ve done some things that I do not care to do again. When you’re exploring an area as broad as kink and sex, you won’t like everything you try. That’s okay! Trying something and not liking it isn’t a failure. It’s a valuable learning experience.

I’m pretty big into consensual non-consent, or CNC – also known as “rape fantasy”. This is a really, really common kink especially among (people socialised as) women. I am nowhere near qualified to start delving into the reasons for that. Anyhow, I’m into it, and I practice it carefully with safe partners and safewords. Up until last year, my biggest fantasy was a group CNC scene, where several partners would ambush and ravish me. Um, to be honest, this is still one of my biggest fantasies.

But you know what happened when we tried to make it a reality? It didn’t work. Some combination of the time of night, my tiredness level, the people involved and my sense of disorientation combined to make it too much. I safeworded out and then spent the next two hours crying and apologising. What was wrong with me? This was my fantasy, why hadn’t it worked for me?

The truth is there was nothing wrong with me. There was nothing wrong with my partners, either – everything they did was 100% consensual! It was what we thought we all wanted! None of us did anything wrong. The scene just didn’t work out. Sometimes scenes don’t work, and that’s okay. Sometimes you can be absolutely sure you’ll like something… and then in reality, you won’t. That is also ten million percent normal and fine!

There’s an anecdote in, I think, one of Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton’s books. I’ve just spent an hour searching for it and can’t find it, which is really annoying me! Anyway, it tells of a woman who has always fantasised about receiving caning… until she finds she reality too painful. This is because fantasy isn’t accurate, realistic information. Fantasy is there first for fun and titillation. Yes, it gives you an insight into things you might like to try, but liking it in fantasy doesn’t mean you’ll like it in reality. You might, you might not. You might like a modified version. Either way, that’s completely okay!

I still have group CNC fantasies, and I may or may not try to act them out again at some point. If I ever do, I’ll use the information I learned from what went wrong last time to modify the scene. If I don’t, it’s still okay for me to enjoy the fantasy! Not wanting to do something for real doesn’t mean you can’t fantasise about it! Even trying something and having it go wrong doesn’t have to be a barrier to continuing to enjoy your fantasies.

The key to exploring, I think, is to try not to attach too much to one particular outcome. This sounds ridiculously “zen,” and I appreciate it’s really difficult. But if you approach trying something new with the mindset of, “it might work, it might not, but we’ll learn something either way,” the pressure to have it be the best scene of your life lets up almost immediately.

Approach with an attitude of open exploration, communication and the goal of mutual pleasure and discovery. You might find your new favourite thing. You might also find out that some things are happier staying in your inner fantasy world – and that’s valuable too.

Kinky item of the day: Spreader bars! For me, there is very little sexier than being spread open and vulnerable in front of a Dominant lover. Especially if they’re also slapping my cunt and/or ripping an orgasm from me with the Doxy. Try this lovely adjustable bar from Sportsheets.

The image featured in this post was reproduced here under Creative Commons Licensing.

How to Put Me in Subspace

I have to admit, I’m starting to be glad this #KinkMonth thing is nearly over. Posting every day no matter what is fucking exhausting, y’all! Still, the show must go on, and today’s prompt from Kayla’s awesome 30 Days of D/s is all about subspace!

She says:

“Subspace or top/dom space isn’t a guarantee every time you get kinky or in every D/s relationship. The feeling comes from the endorphins, dopamine, and other feel good chemicals our brain produces in a really intense scene.”

A woman's upper body and bottom from the back, with her hands cuffed behind her back. Black and white. For a post about subspace

I’ve learned my own subspace triggers over the years. I’m always discovering new ones, and the ones listed here won’t work every single time, of course. But the following are the most reliable ways I’ve discovered to get me there.

[Disclaimer: don’t do any of these to me without consent. Obviously.]

Stroke the insides of my wrists

Yesssss. This area of my body feels super vulnerable to me, partly for trauma-reasons. It’s also hyper-sensitive. This means that only very trusted partners get to touch me there. For some reason, probably for reasons of the aforementioned vulnerability, having my inner wrists stroked is a pretty powerful way to push me down the subspace rabbit-hole.

Pull my hair

Mmmfff. I love hair-pulling. Grab a handful and give it a (GENTLE-ISH) tug. I don’t want to feel like you’re trying to pull it out, but I want to feel like you’re using it to control me and put me exactly where you want me.

Call me a “good girl”

I’m at least somewhat of a service-sub. I want to please the person I’m submitting for. Don’t just throw this out willy-nilly – it won’t work – but when I’ve done something to deserve it, a well-timed “good girl” will make me melt into a puddle at your feet.

Call me slut, whore, bitch or girl

Mild humiliation of this kind gets my cunt wet and sends my subby desires into overdrive. I don’t see them as insults when they’re said to me in the context of a scene with a person I know actually likes me. Think phrases like, “are you going to suck my cock like a good little slut?” or “Get on your knees, girl.”

Grab my throat

Fair warning: if you do this without consent, I may assume you’re trying to kill me and act accordingly. In a consensual scenario, though, I love love love a hand on my throat. Not squeezing (breath-play is a hard limit except occasionally with Mr CK,) just… holding. Firmly. In a way that says, “you’re mine and I will do what I want with you.”

Look at me over your glasses

In a sexy, stern teacher kind of way? Please?

Woof. I need a cold shower now. What gets YOU into subspace or Domspace, dear readers?

Kinky item of the day: Clingfilm/plastic wrap! I was once fastened to a post, off the ground, using nothing but pallet wrap. A super cheap and easily accessible tool which you can use for mummification and restraint. Disclaimers: NEVER wrap the face or neck. Keep safety shears handy. Read up on safety protocols before you experiment.

The image featured in this post was offered for use via Creative Commons Licensing.

If you enjoyed this post, I would love it if you felt inclined to buy me a coffee to say thanks. It really helps keep the blog going!

My Favourite Kink: 3 Reasons I Love Orgasm Control

In a revelation that will be a surprise to precisely nobody who has met me: I LOVE orgasm control. It’s my absolute, number one fetish bar none. Something like 90% of the time, when I’m masturbating, I’m fantasising, reading erotica or watching porn with orgasm control themes. (The other 10%, I’m probably thinking about gang-bangs, but that’s another post.) Seriously, this kink gets me the fuck off. (Which is ironic, really.)

A metal medieval chastity belt. For a post on orgasm control.

I’m using “orgasm control” as a catch-all here. It can encompass orgasm denial, teasing and denial, edging, ruined orgasms, coming on command, forced orgasms and post-0rgasm torture.

Today’s #KinkMonth post comes, again, from Kayla Lords’ 30 Days of D/s. Today, Kayla”s asking about orgasm control and what we think of it. I think I’ve just laid out pretty clearly what I think of it. But I wanted to share a little of the reason behind that with y’all.

So, here’s a quick-‘n’-dirty (so dirty) list of reasons why I fucking love giving someone else control over my release.

1. Because masochism.

It’s not the same kind of pain as being hit with something, but orgasm control is a form of sadomasochism in its own right. When I’ve been teased really good without release, my cunt starts to physically ache. I love it. (I also hate it, but that mindfuck is also part of the fun.)

Similarly, when I’ve been forced (or ordered – I can pretty much come on command with G-spot stimulation) to come over and over and over… it starts to get pretty damn painful. Sometime around the sixth orgasm it starts to get too much. Around the tenth, I’m begging for it to stop (and yet wishing for it to carry on forever.)

And… have you ever had an orgasm ruined? Fucking hell. That’s an ache – and a level of frustration – unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced.

2. Denial makes the final orgasm more intense.

Seriously. You know how if you get really close to the edge a few times while masturbating, it’s better when you do let yourself come? Yeah. That. Only more. Coming after a session of denial, whether it’s a play session of intense teasing or not being allowed to touch at all for a couple of days…. mmmfff. Be warned: doing this to me often results in a temporary loss of ability to walk or make sentences.

3. It makes me feel really submissive

My sexuality is a really, really important part of me. Our sexuality is a a pretty fundamental part of what makes us human! So to give up control over my sexual release to somebody else, even if only for the length of a scene, feels like placing a crucial aspect of my personhood into their hands and saying, “I trust you to use this to have fun and satisfy us both, and not use it to harm me.”

For my subby brain, which is pretty much the part that’s in control in the majority of kinky situations, this is super fucking hot.

Oof. Well. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go wank now.

Kinky product of the day: Cock rings! Check out this one, which is pure silicone, rechargeable, and part of the utterly gorgeous new Mantric range. With the launch offer, you can get 30% off if you buy two products together.

This post contains affiliate links and if you buy through them, I make a small commission. All opinions are, and will always be, purely my own.

The image featured in this post was offered for use via Creative Commons Licensing.

Origin Story

It’s #KinkMonth at Lovehoney this month, so to celebrate I am doing posts inspired by Kayla Lords’ 30 Days of D/s and also taking the opportunity to share a favourite kinky product or item each day.

Today, the prompt is all about submission. Kayla and John ask:

Does a submissive have certain behaviors? Do submissives do specific tasks? When you think of a submissive and submission, what thoughts come to mind?

The Bible open at the first page of Genesis. For a post on my kinky origin story

So, with this in mind, I thought I’d tell you all about my origin story, or the collection of moments that led to my realisation that I’m (primarily) sexually submissive.

[Fair warning: I’m going to talk about my early experiences a bit, some of which happened before I was 18 and some of which took place in abusive dynamics. I invite you to take care of yourself and only carry on if you feel you can cope with this today.]

I was sixteen[1 ]the first time a boyfriend held me down and spanked me. In our baby-kinkster, toe-in-the-water fashion, we were doing schoolgirl/teacher roleplay, and the spanking didn’t hurt. It was very gentle, but I didn’t want pain-pain. Not then. It was the idea of the spanking rather than the physical sensation that I wanted. But I got the hell off on the power dynamic, the feeling of being helpless, the feeling of being led along and not having to do anything except what I was told.

We played those power games more and more often in our sex life over the next few years. I tried to be the Dominant, the Mistress, the Teacher once or twice, but it usually ended up with us in fits of giggles and no orgasms.

By eighteen, we’d mostly moved away from explicit roles and further into simply hard, dominant fucking, laced with tinges of humiliation and a whole lot of filthy talk. We occasionally tried to have stare-into-each-other’s-eyes-and-make-sweet-love-by-candlelight sex. And you know what happened when we did that? I was bored. Didn’t come. Didn’t feel fulfilled. What I wanted was for him to just throw me down on the bed and fuck me until I knew I’d be sore the next day.

At nineteen, we went to an event, a glorious weekend where we were shocked and delighted to discover there were others like us. It was a THING. It had a NAME.

BDSM. The letters felt weird in my mouth. Kink. That was better. I could get behind the idea of calling myself kinky. It spoke to me in the same way the word “queer” had, even before I knew what it really meant. It spoke of something different, of something outside and other and exciting.

I learned glorious things that weekend. I learned about fetishes and perversions and fun that I didn’t know existed. Someone pulled out a knife in the toybag show-and-tell, and I at once winced and leaned forward in my seat, asking, “what do you do with that?” I learned what a pinwheel is. I saw a flogger for the first time. A little while later, I felt its sting across my back in the bedroom of the pretty, much older Dominant guy and his beautiful girlfriend [2]. In that little room, I learned how much pleasure can come from just the right amount of pain.

We went home. We bought a crop and a collar. A few months later, we went to our first Club, where I got my breasts out in semi-public for the first time. I wanted more and more and more. Not necessarily more extreme, but more exploration. More adventure. More of this.

Until he didn’t want it any more. It was too much effort. He just wanted me to shut up and let him fuck me until he was satisfied. It had all been a mistake. My kinks were too much, too complex, and too weird.

I told him I respected that, but I needed to fulfill my kinky needs in my other relationships. He told me I was broken. Wrong. Damaged goods, if I needed someone to spank me and call me filthy names to get true sexual satisfaction.

I nearly believed it, but I knew better by that time. I knew what I was. It had a name.

Kinky. Submissive. Yes. In submission, I found – find – peace. A home. A place of complete belonging and safety.

Kinky item of the day: LUBE! Essential for those long, glorious fucking sessions. If you visit Lovehoney and spend £30 or more in their bondage store, you’ll get a FREE Lubido lube (which is water based and contains no parabens) with your purchase!

[1] Age of consent in my country is 16.
[2] Hello, Fondlebeast and Twistergirl! <3

A couple of notes:
1. This post contains affiliate links. Buying through them supports my work.
2. Yes, the picture that comes up is a page from the Bible. It came up when I searched “Origin Story” on Pixabay and it made me giggle, so it stays. Please direct all complaints via Twitter. As ever, image provided under Creative Commons Licensing. 

 

Bluebells

A clearning in a wood with a tree and carpeted with bluebells

When I kiss him in just that way, he knows what I want.

He manoeuvres me, lips still locked to mine, until my back is against the tree. The woods, carpeted in early May bluebells, are quiet; we haven’t seen another soul all afternoon. Pressing his body close to mine, he kisses me harder as his hands go to my breasts, fingers manipulating my hard nipples.

He unbuttons my jeans, fingers slipping inside and into my knickers. When they reach my pubic hair, I gasp and part my legs further. When they touch my cunt, I am already dripping. He pushes a finger inside, then two.

“Take your jeans down.”
“But…”
“I said take them down.”

I glace around me, paranoid suddenly that we could be being watched, and do as he says. Jeans and knickers around my ankles, he pushes another finger into my willing cunt and fucks me hard with his three digits. I try to keep my noise to a minimum, but I cannot suppress my cry of pleasure as I feel the first orgasm building, building…

‘I’m coming…’ I gasp as I explode on his hand. He responds by pounding my cunt harder and harder with his fingers, forcing a second and third orgasm from me so quickly that my legs buckle. I grab a branch to help keep me on my feet.

He withdraws his hand. ‘Turn around and bend over,’ he says.
‘But someone could see…’
‘There’s no-one here. Turn around. Bend over.’

I obey, bracing myself against the tree as I offer my ass and cunt to him. He adjusts me until I’m at the right angle, and his cock slips easily inside. Fingering me, watching me come, always gets him so hard.

‘You’d like it if someone was watching, wouldn’t you?’ he asks. In response, my cunt clenches, tightening around his cock as I start to come again. ‘Did I just feel you come? Are you such a slut that the thought of someone watching you get pounded in the woods makes you come?’

He knows damn well I am exactly that much of a slut. I respond by pushing back onto his cock, asking him to fuck me harder. God, I love his cock. The thought pushes me over into another orgasm.

He pulls out of me. ‘Turn around and get on your knees,’ he says. ‘Clean your mess off my cock.’

I kneel, feeling the soft forest floor on my bare legs, and take his full length into my mouth at once. He’s still hard as I lick and suck my juices from his cock, tasting my own excitement and the several orgasms he’s given me in the last few minutes.

‘You know,’ he murmurs as I stand to kiss him, ‘I think there is someone watching us over there…’

Note: There was emphatically NOT anyone watching. We were completely alone in a secluded area. Imposing displays of sexuality on people who haven’t consented isn’t cool.

The image in this post was taken by me and I own the copyright. It must not be reproduced or copied without express permission.

Masturbation Monday: “Pinwheel”

Two firsts for me on the blog today: I’m taking part in my awesome friend Kayla‘s Masturbation Monday challenge for the first time (you can too! Click the link for details and to see everyone else’s smut.) I’m also writing erotica from the point of view of a person with a penis for the first time.

The header for Kayla Lords' Masturbation Monday project, for an erotic story titled Pinwheel

The prompt post is here (I’m not adding the picture because I don’t want the blog to get shut down due to images of genitals.)

Here’s my Masturbation Monday effort. It includes female dominance and male submission, tease/denial, and mild genital pain infliction. Usual disclaimers apply: all characters are legal adults and giving informed consent to everything portrayed here.

If you like this work and want to see more of it, become a Patron or buy me a coffee to say thanks!

“Pinwheel” © 2017 Coffee&Kink

‘Do you want your cock touched?’ she asks, her fingers teasing the unyielding plastic of my cage as my dick strains against it, trying to get hard, trying to feel something.

‘Please…’ is all that comes out. She giggles, this woman I love, my wife of fifteen years and now also my Mistress of just over a year. She twirls a strawberry blonde curl with her left hand, while her right moves from my caged cock to my swollen balls.

‘But it’d be such a shame. You’re so obedient when you’re frustrated and I’m worried that if I let you out now, you’ll just come and then all my hard work will be ruined.’

Continue reading “Masturbation Monday: “Pinwheel””

[Offsite] Pegging with CK and Exhibit A

I can’t believe I forgot to link to this one! Exhibit A and I co-authored a piece on everything you need to know about pegging (and probably a few things you didn’t!)

A close up of some colourful clothes pegs hanging on a washing line. For post about pegging.

Here’s the teaser

EA: Right, ok! So pegging. It might be useful to start with a bit of context here. At Eroticon, we discussed the possibility of you writing a guest post for me, and a few days later you suggested pegging as a potential topic. Can you explain a bit about why you landed on that, and what you had in mind?

CK: I thought of it while writing a post for my blog on my top 5 favourite sex toys (GOD it was hard to limit that to five!) and ended up picking my strap-on as one of them. I’m bi but tend to end up dating more male-bodied people (just a symptom of there being more straight men than queer women around I guess!) and pegging is something I’ve quite recently discovered but really fallen in love with. Beyond the act itself I’m also interested in the power dynamics and the questions around gender roles that it throws up.

Read it all here.

Note: the image in this post was offered under Creative Commons Licensing.

[Offsite] Guest blog for Girl on the Net on Female Orgasm Denial

Today I am immensely proud and privileged to have had a guest blog accepted and published by Girl on the Net. This is a big deal for me for two reasons: first, I love GOTN’s work and I’m full of joy that she likes something of mine too. Second, this marks the first time I’ve been paid to write about sex. (Also, I was inspired – dared? – to send the pitch by GOTN’s amazing panel on pitching at Eroticon.)

Here’s the teaser (heh) of ‘Female Orgasm Denial (or: Why I Get Off on Not Getting Off)’:

‘Don’t stop… please don’t stop… I’m going to…’

‘No you’re not.’ The vibrator is yanked away. I cry out in frustration as my clit pulses with need and my cunt clenches in anticipation of the orgasm it’s been denied.

He does it again. And again. And fucking again. I am ready to cry with desperation, ready to promise anything in exchange for release.

Read the whole post here.

[Offsite] My work in Exhibit A’s International Women’s Day Special

My erotic vignette Four Minutes featured in Exhibit A’s International Women’s Day fantasies special alongside work from The Other Livvy, Hannahlects, @19Syllables and several other anonymous authors.

Here’s the teaser:

A lot can happen in four minutes.

It’s long enough for him to sidle up behind me as I’m towelling off after my shower, him already dressed and ready for the day. Long enough for him to slide a hand along my hip, over my still-damp stomach, and up to grab a nipple between his fingers. To squeeze, hard enough that I bite my lip but not hard enough to elicit that squeak I know he loves…

Read it all here!