[Toy Review] Fifty Shades Freed ‘Lavish Attention’ Vibrator

First, let’s address the elephant in the room.

I thought long and hard (stop snickering at the back!) about whether or not to request, or accept, any of Lovehoney’s new Fifty Shades Freed line of toys for review after attending their recent affiliate product showcase. In the end, I made a balanced decision that yes, I would review this line. Let me tell you why.

A close up of an elephant. For a review of the Fifty Shades Freed Lavish Attention vibrator.

To say I have issues with the Fifty Shades franchise is an understatement. I believe those books are not just poorly written and questionably researched portrayals of bad BDSM – I actually believe they’re really harmful. The way they’re written, and marketed, passes off stalking, psychological abuse, disregard for consent and even rape as romantic. Check out Jenny Trout’s series or my friend Christine’s blog if you would like to learn why more and more sex-positive feminists are speaking out against this series.

However. A terrible first introduction though it is, more and more people are finding BDSM and the kink and sex-positive communities via this franchise. They read the book or watch the film and get turned on by all the kinky sex. “I want to do that!” they think. Okay. So where do they go? Maybe they search online. If they’re lucky, they’ll find brilliant educational blogs. If they poke around for any length of time in the internet kinkosphere, they’ll probably land on Fetlife sooner or later. They might come to a munch. And they might go and buy a sex toy, possibly for the first time ever.

The seasoned kinksters among us may roll our eyes each February when the newest film brings the influx of “the Fifty Shades crowd” to our online spaces or our local munch. But if we do not welcome these people, we are doing them a great disservice. If we push them away or look down on them, we’re completely failing to live up to our purported values of inclusion, respect and community. Not only that, but pushing them away means they’re more likely to practice kink in unsafe and uninformed ways, imitating what they’ve read in that trilogy. If we welcome them in, they will have access to tremendous resources of knowledge, experience and education. I’ve seen plenty of people who came to kink via Fifty Shades grow into fantastic, skilled, responsible kinksters.

People who come to kink via less-than-ideal source material deserve resources and information. They deserve support, a loving community and the same access to education that every single one of us needed when we were new, regardless of our route into the community.

They also deserve safe and quality toys.

The way I see it, the majority of people who are likely to gravitate towards Fifty Shades branded toys will probably fall closer to the “new/inexperienced” end of the demographic spectrum. They may never have purchased a vibrator or dildo before in their life! They’ll probably be completely overwhelmed by the sheer quantity and variety of toys on offer. If Fifty Shades was their way in – or even if it wasn’t, but it’s still the main current cultural touchstone for “kinky sex” – they may well gravitate towards these branded toys. People feel comforted by the familiar.

This, in a nutshell, is why I am glad that Lovehoney have made this Fifty Shades Freed line in the way they have. Having seen most of the products in the flesh (um, as it were,) I feel happy to say they’re a body-safe, user-friendly and just flat out good quality line of toys. I’m glad that inexperienced folks, new to the world of sex toys, are going to get quality products and not some shitty jelly-rubber, phthalate-ridden piece of crap when they Google “Fifty Shades sex toys”. (And yes, this is the first link that comes up when you do that search. I checked.)

With that out of the way… what did I think of the actual toy?

The |Lovehoney Fifty Shades Freed Lavish Attention vibrator. A half moon shaped vibrator with a handle in a lovely plum colour;.The Lavish Attention vibrator is a dual clitoral and G-spot toy. Its shape is like a half moon on top of a handle. The internal part is nice and slim, with a circumference of about 4 inches at the widest part, and flexible. When this is inserted, the external part – which is more rigid – rests against the clitoris. Both vibrate. The Lavish Attention has 3 constant vibration speeds and 7 patterns. It’s USB rechargeable, waterproof, travel-lockable, and comes with a handy – and stylish – purple storage bag.

I loved using it. I wasn’t sure I would, as dual-stim toys often aren’t very effective for me, but I like to broaden my horizons and expand my preferences. Personally, I found the shape and size of the Lavish Attention perfect to comfortably stimulate both my G-spot and clitoris without much weird maneuvering required.

Unusually, I enjoyed the vibration patterns on this toy. I think having internal stimulation slightly changes how my clitoris responds to things, though I am still figuring out exactly how this works. There are some caveats – read on for those! – but I wouldn’t hesitate to recommend the Lavish Attention to anyone looking for a good quality dual-stim toy.

My Ratings (all scores out of 5★)

Price: ★★★★
This toy retails at Lovehoney – currently the exclusive carrier! – for £54.99. This puts it squarely into the mid-price bracket, and in my opinion it’s reasonable value for the quality. I note that Lovehoney have a stellar returns policy.

Materials: ★★★★★
I can’t praise this enough. It’s premium quality matte silicone and feels absolutely gorgeous. It’s the kind of toy you just want to stroke again and again because it feels so lovely.

Appearance: ★★★★
One of the big plus points for the whole Freed range, for me, is how pretty they are. They’re all the same plum silicone with rose gold accents. The look is classy, sensual and sexy as fuck. If it didn’t have the Fifty Shades logo emblazoned upon it, it would be the perfect aesthetic for a sex toy in my opinion.

Ease of Use: ★★★
I generally find dual-stim vibes take some practice and some experimentation to find the best position to use them. This was no exception. I also found it slightly awkward to hold due to the positioning of the handle. It is nice and light, which is a big plus and particularly relevant for anyone who struggles to hold heavier toys due to disability or injury. My biggest gripe is that you can’t turn the speed and pattern settings down – if you want to get back to the previous setting, you have to cycle alllllll the way back through.

Ease of care & cleaning: ★★★★★
You can clean the Lavish Attention, as with any silicone toy, with a sterile body-safe wipe. These are available cheaply in bulk from medical suppliers. This toy is completely waterproof which means you can submerge it to clean. The internal piece can easily be covered with a condom, but it’s not so easy to use with a barrier externally.

Versatility: ★★★★
The Lavish Attention has 3 speeds and 7 patterns, making it nice and versatile whichever you prefer. One feature I would have liked would be the option to control the internal and external vibrations independently of each other. The shape makes it safe for anal use, and I imagine the external stimulator could feel really nice against the perineum during anal play if that’s your jam. It is fully waterproof, so safe for bathtime play.

Intensity:
★★★★
As ever, please remember I am the biggest Power Queen who ever Power Queened. The vibrations were more than adequate and got me off, but I would have liked one or two higher settings. Considering that my preferred power level is “Doxy on speed,” though, I might be an outlier here. The vibration quality is a little buzzy, but not numbingly so.

Overall Score: ★★★★
A very solid dual-stim toy which I enjoyed using. Not perfect, but perfect doesn’t exist anyway. I’ve marked it up for being body-safe, fully waterproof, gorgeous looking and relatively quiet. It lost a few points for the annoying lack of a “down” control.

I don’t recommend this toy to lovers of girth – it’s definitely slimline – or those who can’t stand their vibrations being even slightly buzzy. But if you’re looking for a good quality, mid-priced clitoral and G-spot toy from a trustworthy retailer, and don’t mind the Fifty Shades branding, I suggest giving Lavish Attention a try!

The good folks at Lovehoney sent me the Lavish Attention vibrator in exchange for an honest review. This in no way affects my opinions which are, and will always be, entirely my own. Buying your sexy products through Lovehoney helps support me with a small commission and keep the blog going.

Elephant image is courtesy of Pixabay, a fab source of copyright-free images. Toy image belongs to Lovehoney and is reproduced here with their kind permission.

[Wearable Review] Moonlight Wine Crotchless Plunge Body by Lovehoney

I am not a lingerie person. Like, at all. I go braless basically all the time. My first choice of underwear is boxer shorts. I owned one basque from Ann Summers and passed it on to Mr CK after deciding that, in his very occasional bouts of cross dressing, he looks better in it than I do. This is how NOT a lingerie person I am. (#LazyFemme.)

Even so, when the lovely folks at Lovehoney offered me something from their new Moonlight range to try, I thought it might be fun to broaden my horizons and see what the appeal is. After much deliberation and some consulting with Mr CK, I went for the Crotchless Plunge Body in this gorgeous shade known as “wine.”

The Lovehoney Moonlight Crotchless Plunge Body, modelled by a pretty white woman with long dark hair and lipstick that matches the garment.

Despite the fact that I am most emphatically Not A Lingerie Person, I loved the look of the Moonlight range straight away when I saw some samples at the September affiliate event. The black and red-purple colour scheme and the luxurious fabrics spoke to me of a classiness that is mostly missing from the bits of cheap lace and fake leather I’ve had ill-fated relationships with in the past.

Even so, it was with some trepidation that I tried on this garment. I have a complex relationship with my body-image at the best of times and I am currently in a very frustrating plateau in the midst of a long weight-loss journey. I felt worried that it wouldn’t fit or that I’d just look ridiculous and about as sexy as a blob.

But I needn’t have worried. The moment I felt the satin and lace against my skin, I started to feel transported into a sexy space. Really good clothing can take me to a different place. In a well-tailored dress and heels, I’m ready to take on the business world. In the perfect floor-length gown, I can swoosh around a charity ball with people much richer than me and act like I belong there. And, it seems, in really good lingerie I go from zero to sex-kitten in moments. When I’ve got this piece on, I just want someone to stick their fingers through the convenient access hole in the crotch. I feel babely as all hell, and I love it.

A couple of extra things of note: this piece is hand-wash only. All the pieces in the Moonlight range come in equally-gorgeous Plus Sizes (up to approx. UK 24). Unlike many companies, Lovehoney do not charge more for Plus Size.

My Ratings (all scores out of 5★)

Price: ★★★★★
This piece retails at £34.99 and items in the Moonlight range go up to £39.99. Considering that you can easily pay as much for a half-decent bra, and that comparable basques and bodies at some high street stores can retail for upwards of twice as much, these prices are really reasonable for the quality.

Appearance: ★★★★★
I really can’t overestimate how gorgeous this body is. The shade (well-named, it really is close to the colour of red wine!) is stunning, the cut is really flattering, and the lace and ribbon accents are stylish and eyecatching without being “too much.” The satiny ribbon around the middle is a really nice touch that completes the look for me – I love how it accentuates my waist, which is one of my best features.

Materials: ★★★★★
It’s a mix of satin and lace, which look beautiful together and feel gorgeous against the skin. I particularly love how soft the lace is. I tend to shy away from lace because it can be so scratchy, and my skin is very sensitive to textures, but this doesn’t scratch at all. There’s definitely no corner-cutting by using cheap materials here. The fabrics carry off the luxurious first impression.

Fit: ★★★★
The Moonlight pieces run true to size, in so far as women’s clothing has consistency of sizing. I normally wear a size 12 and I ordered the medium, which is labelled as a 10-12 and fits me snugly but well. The only thing I will point out is that the cups run a bit small if you’re big-busted. I have DD boobs and the medium is a little small on them – at a guess I would say it’s maybe a C-cup. Just something to be aware of for those of us with an above-average bust for your size. The band size fit me well at a 36.

Overall Score: ★★★★★
I really wasn’t expecting to be as impressed with this piece as I am, given the price and my general ambivalence towards sexy lingerie as a thing. After this, though? I might be something of a convert.

I can’t wait to wear it for Mr in the bedroom!

Don’t forget: this piece featured in my 2017 holiday gift guide because I loved it so much. Go to my exclusive gift guide page and buy through there and you’ll get 15% off!

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this product to review! All views are my own. This post contains affiliate links. If you buy through one, I make a small commission which helps me to keep doing this work. 

The image in this post belongs to Lovehoney, and I have used it with their permission.

[(Not a) Toy Review] Here’s What Happened When We Tried a Terrible Cock Ring

From whence it came I do not recall. It must have found its way into my freebie bag at one sexy event or another. But somehow, this monstrosity came into my possession:

The Skins Vibe Ring, a clear jelly rubber cock ring with a small bullet vibe, sitting on its box. For a review.Because Mr CK is a very indulgent partner, and supportive of my penchant for putting strange things on my genitals and then oversharing about it on the internet, we decide we’d test it. Just for fun.

Well, it was… something. I’m not sure fun is quite the word.

This ‘Vibe Ring’ vibrating cock ring by Skins (better known for making mediocre condoms) looks and feels like something you’d buy for £3 from a machine in a seedy nightclub. It’s made of some kind of jelly rubber (the packaging is mysteriously quiet about its actual material) and just from handling it for a couple of minutes I can see its porous as fuck. Sweat and oils from my hands have leached into the rubber, turning its clear appearance opaque, and the squishy texture and dodgy chemical smell coming off it are dead giveaways for phthalates.

As a cock ring, it’s worse than useless. A cock ring is designed to restrict blood flow away from the penis, creating a stronger and longer-lasting erection. A lot of penis-owners report that this can be very pleasurable and give them stronger orgasms. This thing, though?

“I literally can’t feel it!” Mr CK declared when it was around his cock. It’s too stretchy and flimsy to do anything. Still, we were determined to give it a fair hearing, so we turned the little vibrating bullet on and I  hopped on board and started fucking him. In the me-on-top position, I could at least feel the vibrations – if you can call them that – against my clit. But, unsurprisingly, they were too weak and too buzzy to give me anything that I could define as pleasure. Mr CK reported that he could just barely feel the vibrations through his shaft but they were nowhere near to being pleasurable for him either. (And this is a man who definitely enjoys vibrations!)

We changed positions, him standing and me on my back, legs spread, on the end of the bed. This was worse. With every thrust, the damn thing buzzed against me in its completely useless and mildly distracting way. It was low-level annoying in the way that a mobile phone vibrating in your pocket can be. Only, you know, less likely to give me an orgasm.

“Ooh, it made you come!” Mr commented as he felt my cunt muscles clenching around his cock.

“Nope. That was all your dick, babe.”

“Shall we take this thing off?”

“Yes, lets do that.”

We tossed it aside and finished our fuck, which was much more satisfying once the stupid ring was safely on the other side of our very large bed. Afterwards, we snuggled in the afterglow and laughed about how utterly terrible this ridiculous excuse for a sex toy was.

“It feels like it would fit around my head,” he said, stretching it experimentally.

“Try it!” I dared.

And that, my friends, is how a sex session finished with my partner and I taking turns to wear a cock ring like a head lamp. I hope you enjoyed that mental image. You’re welcome.

TL/DR: Do not buy this toy or any other cheap, rubbery “single use” cock ring. For a simple, high quality cockring, try the Beginner or the Super-Soft C-Rings from Tantus. If you’re after one that vibrates, try the Desire Rechargeable from Lovehoney (and don’t forget to use discount code COFFKINK10 at checkout!)

The image featured in this post was taken by me. Don’t steal my photos, please! Links above are affiliate links. Doing your sexy shopping with my affiliates helps support me to keep the blog going.

[Toy Review] Lovehoney Desire Butterfly Hands-Free Vibrator

I love anything a bit unusual and different when it comes to sex toys. That’s why, when my friends over at Lovehoney offered me the product of my choice from the new Desire range to test and report on, I was immediately drawn to this one.

Facts ‘n’ Figures

The Butterfly is part of the new Lovehoney Desire range of luxury toys. I tested the clitoral pebble vibe a few months ago from the same range. The Butterfly is a wearable vibe which rests against the vulva and is held in place with a strap around each leg and one around the hips.

The underside of the Lovehoney Desire Butterfly, a purple vibe which is flat escept for a small raised ridge where the head of the Butterfly would be. Black elastic straps are attached.

It’s a smallish vibe, 4.2 inches in length. The underside (pictured right) is flat and smooth except for a bump of around 1 inch which sits against the clitoris. The harness is super adjustable, with a maximum width of 40 inches around the hips. I have wide hips and I found it very comfortable to wear.

The storage cases for Lovehoney's Desire products. A black square zip up case with the Lovehoney heart logo.

It’s remote-controlled. The vibe itself is rechargeable via USB, and the remote control takes one watch-style battery, which should last ages. All Desire toys come in their own stylish black case (pictured right) which is perfect for storage and travel. The Butterfly even features a travel lock, so no worries about it accidentally turning on in your bag!

 

My Experience

It took me a bit of experimentation to get the Butterfly to sit correctly against my body. I had to adjust the straps a few times to figure out the best placing for them so that the lovely ridge rested against my clit. After a few minutes and some very attractive wiggling in and out of bits of elastic, I found a position that worked and settled down with some smut for a nice wank.

The Butterfly has 8 patterns and 12 speeds, but I just wacked it up to “constant vibration, highest speed,” because that’s how my bits roll. I also realised, not for the first time, that entirely hands-free stimulation, while nice, very rarely makes me come. I prefer to have the toy I’m using pressed somewhat firmly against my vulva so I can grind against it. So I ended up pushing it against my body with one hand. This wasn’t really a problem for me, and wouldn’t be necessary for someone who doesn’t need such firm pressure in order to get off.

I found the Butterfly’s vibrations impressively strong for its size. Not strong enough to get me off in record time in the way a wand can, but thoroughly enjoyable for a nice slow wank! It took me about 40 minutes to go from “cold” to “orgasm” with the Butterfly. This would be a long time for some people but is quite normal for me if I’m not worked up before I start, especially with a toy I’ve never used before.

In conclusion: I really enjoyed this toy.

My Ratings (all scores out of 5★)

Price: ★★★★
The Butterfly retails on Lovehoney for £74.99, which puts it at the higher end of the Desire toys’ price-range. It won’t be in everyone’s budget for this reason. However, the difference in quality from lower-priced toys, including Lovehoney’s own budget range, is noticeable. These toys look and feel luxurious. Overall, worth the price.

Materials: ★★★★★
The entire body of the Butterfly – AND the remote – are silky soft silicone. Silicone is my favourite because it’s non-porous, phthalate-free and completely body-safe. I recommend water-based lube with silicone toys (and just in general because it’s gentler on your body.)

Appearance: ★★★★★
It’s super cute and actually looks like a little butterfly! It also, if I do say so myself, looks really pretty when it’s on. It’s the same purple as the whole Desire range, which is a lovely colour and provides a really nice, classy look.

Ease of Use: ★★★
This one definitely took some practice. The interface is simple – you switch on the toy with a single button on the body, and then use the remote control to cycle through the settings. There are three buttons – speed up, speed down, and change pattern. It’s the positioning that can be a struggle at first. I suggest taking your time to experiment, try different positions for your body and the toy, and be prepared to adjust the straps a few times to make it work for you.

A quick note for anyone who, like me, has a natural bush: the straps do have a tendency to trap stray pubes if you’re not careful! Watch out for this if you don’t want a non-consensual wax job courtesy of your sex toy.

Ease of care & cleaning: ★★★★★
Being pure silicone, the Butterfly can be cleaned with a sterile wipe (try the kind from medical suppliers, but make sure they’re body safe)! It’s waterproof, so you can submerge it fully in water to clean it thoroughly. The straps come off easily so they can stay dry when you wash the toy. Not condom compatible. You could use a barrier like a dental dam, if you want to share and are cautious about infection transmission.

Versatility: ★★★★
The Butterfly has 8 pattern settings and 12 speeds, so whatever you’re into, there will be a setting for you. It’s great for solo play, but could also enhance pleasure during intercourse. I’m already planning to wear it next time Mr CK bends me over the bed and fucks me from behind! Another way to use it with a partner would be to give your lover the remote and let them control the toy. It is waterproof, but I’m not sure I would bother using it in water as it seems like the straps would be a pain to dry.

Intensity:
★★★★
Not at all bad for the size. I would have preferred them a touch stronger and rumblier, personally. But they were more than adequate to bring me to orgasm.

Overall Score: ★★★★
A really nice little toy. I’d recommend it to folks who like gentler clitoral stimulation, and to anyone looking for something they can enjoy solo and with a partner. It’s also a great choice for anyone who needs a hands-free or low-energy toy for pain or mobility reasons.

Go get yourself one, and don’t forget to use code COFFKINK10 at checkout for 10% off!

Thank you to my affiliates at Lovehoney, who sent me this toy in exchange for an honest review. If you use one of my links to buy, I may make a small commission. This does not in any way affect my views which are, and will always be, my own.

The images featured in this post are property of Lovehoney and are reproduced here with their kind permission.

30 Days of D/s Roundup

The Kinkly Top 100 Sex Bloggers 2017 badge. For a roundup post

A Quick Announcement…

You guys! First and foremost, and super importantly, I am absolutely thrilled to have made it onto Kinkly’s Top 100 sex bloggers list! When I asked my readers to please nominate me if they like my work, I expected to get like 3 votes (and for 2 of them to be people I’m sleeping with). To say I’m squeeing, not to mention in utter shock, is an understatement. Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who voted and to the good folks at Kinkly for deeming me worthy of the list.

In case you’re wondering, I ranked #59 in the overall Top 100 and #7 in the Top Newcomers. Go and check out the other blogs on the list, they’re all fabulous.

And some thanks:

Also, I would like to say thank you and welcome to my newest Sexy Patron, Steve! Thank you so much for your support. If you’d like to support me too, head over to my Patreon and pledge at any level. Even $1 really helps the blog, and gets you a shoutout here and access to some super exclusive content – including a super sexy orgasm control story I put up yesterday!

Now, onto the Roundup…

I did it, y’all! (Can you tell I was channeling my inner Kayla there?) I made it through 30 Days of D/s and wrote something for every single prompt. If you want to read them all, visit the 30 Days of D/s tag and they’ll all pop up. I just wanted to pick out a handful of my favourites to draw your attention to in this roundup:

Those are the posts I think represent my best work this month. I might be completely off-base when it comes to what everyone else thought, but those were the most raw, the most heartfelt, the most vulnerable. Turns out I do my best work when I truly fear negative judgement, and then I do the thing anyway.

If you’re at all interested in kink, even if 24/7 D/s isn’t your thing at all, I really recommend you give 30 Days of D/s a go. I learned a lot – about myself, about kink, about my relationship, and about the ways my kinky self moves through the world. I did wonder if it would be too simplistic for a relatively seasoned kinkster, but it really wasn’t. The prompts are super open to interpretation and, even for us old hands at this, sometimes it can be great to go back to basics.

Thank you all so much for being on this journey with me. I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my thoughts as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them.

It’ll be a while before I do an “every day for a month” challenge again – this one was hard at times. I think I’m going to have a couple of days off blogging while I regroup. In the meantime, if you can’t live without your Amy fix for a few days, check out the archives links in the right hand sidebar.

Finally:

Why not celebrate the wrap-up of Kink Month by treating yourself to some new toys? My lovely affiliates over at Lovehoney are currently giving 20% off ANY two vibrators from their store. That’s nearly 600 vibes to choose from!

Five Tasks and Rituals that have Nothing to do with Sex

Quickie-post today, dear readers, because I am up to my face in PhD research proposals. Today’s prompt in 30 Days of D/s is about tasks and rituals: the little things you do to help you feel more submissive or more Dominant, to “bring you back to your mental, emotional and even physical D/s space.”

A pair of hands offering a steaming mug, in black and white. For a post on tasks and rituals.

These things can often be sexual. In my previous D/s relationship, my tasks included things like rolling a dice and edging that number of times. There were times when he instructed me to wear Ben-wa balls to work every day, or to go to the grocery store without panties every day for a week.

These sexual tasks are all well and good, but D/s isn’t always about sex. Sometimes you just want to feel Dominant or submissive without your genitals involved. Here’s a few ideas for tasks or rituals and have nothing to do with sex.

1. Text (/call/email/message) at a specific time each day

This is especially good if you’re long distance or don’t live together. Simply texting “good morning, Sir,” “goodnight, Pet” or some other variation on a daily touching-base can be surprisingly powerful.

2. Making their drink

I used to always make my ex-Master’s tea and then serve it to him in a specific way. Learning how your Dominant likes their drink and serving it to them is a lovely, affirming submissive action for the service-oriented among us.

3. Write a journal

Loads of Dominants task their submissives with journalling regularly. Whether this is open to your D-type to read or entirely personal is up to the two of you. It’s a great way to get to know yourself, explore your desires and experiences within the relationship, and check in with yourself to make sure you’re happy and functioning.

4. Eat or drink something specific

Massive disclaimer to maybe avoid this one if food is a trigger for you or you’re recovering from any kind of eating disorder. This could be something really simple like “drink 2 litres of water a day” or “eat a piece of fruit after dinner,” but it can be a nice way for a submissive to feel like they’re doing as they’re told and a Dominant to feel like they have a hand in their submissive’s health and wellbeing.

5. Repeat a mantra

You can do this to yourself in the mirror, to your partner, or even on your kinky social media if you like. Try something like, “I am beautiful and Sir loves me,” or “I am proudly owned by my Mistress”. Whatever works for you and your relationship!

I hope you find some inspiration here! What tasks and rituals do you use in your D/s relationship?

Kinky item of the day: remote-controlled vibes! Want to get your sub hot and bothered on the bus, gagging for it in the grocery store or worked up at work? These beauties have got you covered!

The image featured in this post was offered for use via Creative Commons Licensing.

Heads up: this post contains affiliate links. Buying from my affiliates (in the right hand sidebar) supports the blog and I promise to never recommend a product I don’t 100% stand behind.

Can You Truly Consent Ahead of Time?

As you will have seen already if you’ve been reading this blog for long, I have Many Feels about consent. In short, consent is everything. In all areas of life, but in sex and relationships in particular.

Full disclosure the first: I pondered this one for a long time, nearly didn’t post it at all, then went “oh fuck it.”

Full disclosure the second: it’s relatively late on Friday night and I’m tired as fuck. This might not be my best work ever.

Psst – don’t forget to check out #KinkMonth and join the conversation!

A white pillow with the words "do not disturb" in black. For a post on sleep sex and pre consent

Today in 30 Days of D/s, Kayla and John are talking about sexual availability. They say:

In some D/s relationships (including ours), there is an agreement that the submissive will always be sexually available to their Dominant. While this can be a kinky, sexy aspect of a relationship, it always requires a great deal of trust from the submissive and responsibility from the Dominant. What do you think? Does it sound deliciously sexy? Or does it not sound appealing at all?

Pre-consent vs. sexual availability

Mr CK and I do not have this type of arrangement as such, because we’re not in a 24/7 D/s relationship. What we do have, however, is certain types of what we call “blanket consent” or “pre-consent”- which, in practice, I imagine works in much the same way as a relationship where the submissive has consented ahead of time to sexual activity when the Dominant wants it. That is, it’s okay for you to do this thing unless I explicitly withdraw consent in the moment.

One of the things we’ve put this in place for is instigating sex/play while the other is asleep. Either of us can do this, and we’ve pre-negotiated that it’s okay. I find it really hot to be woken up from sleep because he’s decided he wants to fuck me. (And I’m a LIGHT sleeper so there’s no chance of my not waking up once he starts making a move on me.)

The reasons this works and is safe for our relationship, I think, are threefold:

First and most important: trust

Pre-consent of any kind, especially for sexual activity when in a vulnerable situation like being asleep, is edgy shit. It requires a huge amount of trust. This is not something you do on a first date. I really don’t recommend playing around with this level of vulnerability with a partner until you have a seriously solid foundation of trust.

Again: this is edge-play. Treat it accordingly.

Secondly, we exercise common sense and don’t abuse the trust

Just because he technically could, under this agreement, wake me up for sex at 3am the night before an important early meeting… doesn’t mean that he would.

Part of having agreements around pre- or blanket- consent means not abusing the trust your partner has put in you. These agreements exist, hopefully, because both parties find them sexy and are enthusiastically into whatever the thing being consented to is. Using them in a way that is likely to cause your partner harm or distress violates the spirit of the very trust required to have these kinds of arrangements in the first place.

Finally, we’re both totally happy to withdraw consent if necessary

I used to be the kind of person who would think, “well, I agreed to this in advance – or at least implied I might be up for it – so I guess I have to go along with it now even though I really don’t want to.” I am not that person any more.

We both say no when we mean no. Being able to rely on each other to do this means that we can relax into the play, knowing that the consent we’re receiving from the other person is genuine.

So: can you consent to something in advance?

My answer is… kind of. In theory I’ve given Mr consent to wake me up for sex any time he chooses. In practice, I could withdraw that consent any and every time he invokes this, if I chose to… and he would respect that withdrawal without question and with no negative consequences to our relationship. So, in reality, I’m actually consenting to the activity in a very meaningful and ongoing way at the time.

Because if you can’t withdraw consent, it’s not really consent at all. In advance or otherwise.

Kinky item of the day: Cuffs! Forget metal handcuffs (they’re either shit quality or painful as fuck in a bad way, in my experience.) What about these black leather beauties?

The above is an affiliate link. All opinions are, and will always be, entirely my own.

The image featured in this post was offered for use via Creative Commons Licensing.

My Favourite Kink: 3 Reasons I Love Orgasm Control

In a revelation that will be a surprise to precisely nobody who has met me: I LOVE orgasm control. It’s my absolute, number one fetish bar none. Something like 90% of the time, when I’m masturbating, I’m fantasising, reading erotica or watching porn with orgasm control themes. (The other 10%, I’m probably thinking about gang-bangs, but that’s another post.) Seriously, this kink gets me the fuck off. (Which is ironic, really.)

A metal medieval chastity belt. For a post on orgasm control.

I’m using “orgasm control” as a catch-all here. It can encompass orgasm denial, teasing and denial, edging, ruined orgasms, coming on command, forced orgasms and post-0rgasm torture.

Today’s #KinkMonth post comes, again, from Kayla Lords’ 30 Days of D/s. Today, Kayla”s asking about orgasm control and what we think of it. I think I’ve just laid out pretty clearly what I think of it. But I wanted to share a little of the reason behind that with y’all.

So, here’s a quick-‘n’-dirty (so dirty) list of reasons why I fucking love giving someone else control over my release.

1. Because masochism.

It’s not the same kind of pain as being hit with something, but orgasm control is a form of sadomasochism in its own right. When I’ve been teased really good without release, my cunt starts to physically ache. I love it. (I also hate it, but that mindfuck is also part of the fun.)

Similarly, when I’ve been forced (or ordered – I can pretty much come on command with G-spot stimulation) to come over and over and over… it starts to get pretty damn painful. Sometime around the sixth orgasm it starts to get too much. Around the tenth, I’m begging for it to stop (and yet wishing for it to carry on forever.)

And… have you ever had an orgasm ruined? Fucking hell. That’s an ache – and a level of frustration – unlike anything else I’ve ever experienced.

2. Denial makes the final orgasm more intense.

Seriously. You know how if you get really close to the edge a few times while masturbating, it’s better when you do let yourself come? Yeah. That. Only more. Coming after a session of denial, whether it’s a play session of intense teasing or not being allowed to touch at all for a couple of days…. mmmfff. Be warned: doing this to me often results in a temporary loss of ability to walk or make sentences.

3. It makes me feel really submissive

My sexuality is a really, really important part of me. Our sexuality is a a pretty fundamental part of what makes us human! So to give up control over my sexual release to somebody else, even if only for the length of a scene, feels like placing a crucial aspect of my personhood into their hands and saying, “I trust you to use this to have fun and satisfy us both, and not use it to harm me.”

For my subby brain, which is pretty much the part that’s in control in the majority of kinky situations, this is super fucking hot.

Oof. Well. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go wank now.

Kinky product of the day: Cock rings! Check out this one, which is pure silicone, rechargeable, and part of the utterly gorgeous new Mantric range. With the launch offer, you can get 30% off if you buy two products together.

This post contains affiliate links and if you buy through them, I make a small commission. All opinions are, and will always be, purely my own.

The image featured in this post was offered for use via Creative Commons Licensing.

Ask Amy #4: “Can I get safe toys on a budget?”

It’s been a while since I’ve had a reader question, so I am super excited to dive into today’s. This one’s about one of my favourite topics: SEX TOYS!

Our lovely reader asks:

“Hi Amy. I was wondering, what do I need to know when looking for cheap, body-safe sex toys, especially here in the UK?”

A blue dildo and some condoms. For a post about body safe toys on a budget

I love this question so much. First, Letter Writer and everyone else, please know this: it is simply NOT TRUE that affordable body-safe toys don’t exist. This is a complete myth, and it’s a harmful fiction that leads people on a restricted budget to buy unsafe toys under the mistaken notion that they can’t get anything better within their price-range.

You absolutely can. You categorically, 1000% can. And what’s more, you deserve high-quality, safe stuff that you can enjoy without worrying about your health.

So, what to look out for?

Firstly, it’s all about materials.

Good: Silicone. ABS Plastic. Glass (of the borosilicate or “Pyrex” variety.) Stainless steel. Aluminium. Ceramic, as long as it’s treated with a non-toxic glaze. Wood, as long as it’s treated with a non-toxic glaze or sealant.

Bad: TPR. TPE. Rubber. PVC. “Cyberskin” etc. “Sil-a-Gel.” Latex. Anything with “jelly” in the name.

Generally, metal, ceramic and wood toys will be more expensive, while silicone, ABS and glass are easy to find on a budget.

The materials I’ve listed as “good” are perfect because they’re non-toxic (no phthalates or other harmful ingredients,) don’t off-gas or leech chemicals, and are non-porous so they won’t harbour bacteria as long as you wash them thoroughly between every use.

Those I’ve listed as “bad” are variable. Please avoid anything with “jelly” in the name like the plague – these almost certainly contain phthalates, as does PVC. That’s how they get that squishy texture. “Cyberskin” and anything else that is sold as “realistic,” if it’s not silicone, is also to be avoided. TPE/TPR (thermoplastic elastomer/rubber) don’t usually contain phthalates, but are porous as fuck and may be softened with other nasty chemicals. Same goes for latex, which is also a super common allergen and there’s some evidence that prolonged exposure can cause or exacerbate sensitivity. “Sil-a-gel” isn’t even a real thing and it certainly isn’t in any way the same as silicone.

[Note: The ONE exception I’ll make for PVC is the Doxy Original, which uses medical-grade (and therefore phthalate-free) PVC for the head. They claim it’s non-porous and I’m inclined to believe them as they’re such a great, transparent and ethical company – and also my Doxy is still good as new after 2 years – but I haven’t seen any hard scientific evidence. If you’re cautious and want a Doxy, either always use a non-latex condom, or buy the Die Cast, which has a silicone head.]

If you want to read up more on the specifics of these materials and why they’re toxic, I recommend Dangerous Lilly’s brilliant guide.

Also worth adding is that if you don’t know what it’s made of, avoid it, and remember that the sex toy industry is pretty much unregulated – so just because a company claims something is body-safe, doesn’t mean that it is.

It’s NOT all about brands

A lot of the toys you’ll hear recommended come from big-name brands in the business: Doxy. Lelo. Tantus. We-vibe. Hitachi (less so this one in the UK.) These brands and many more are popular for good reason (though Lelo are kinda… ugh, these days,) so if you do ever spot their products on a mega-sale, you’ll most likely be getting something good quality.

But you don’t need big brands or loads of cash for great quality toys!

Go own-brand

As with food, own-brand sex toys can be much cheaper but not compromise much on quality when compared to the big names.

Lovehoney and Bondara are two examples of companies who do some really solid own-brand stuff. Not everything in their lines are safe, unfortunately, but if you follow the materials guide above, you can’t go far wrong.

A quick note about retailers:

Tempting though it is, please please resist the urge to buy your toys from a retailer such as eBay or Amazon. There are loads of knock-offs around on all the major brand toys, some of them quite convincing, so there’s no way to know for sure if you’re getting a genuine product. Dangerous Lilly (she’s amazing!) has written more extensively on this.

I personally really advocate for Lovehoney, because their returns policy is stellar and they really care about their customers. Full disclosure: they are an affiliate partner of mine and if you buy through them with one of my links, I may make a small commission. However, my first concern is always my readers’ happiness and safety, I will never recommend an unsafe toy, and I only partner with companies I strongly believe in.

Some Concrete Suggestions

I thought I’d put together a list of options for various tastes that are body-safe, under £30, and easily available in the UK.

In the interests of full disclosure, Lovehoney links are affiliate links. Other links are not. If you buy from Lovehoney, whether one of the listed items or something else, use code COFFKINK10 to get 10% off your order.

Clitoral Vibrators:

G-spot Vibrators:

Rabbit Vibrators:

Dildos (silicone)

Dildos (other safe materials)

Anal toys:

This list is by no means exhaustive or even really scratching the surface. These are just a few of the categories of toys available and just a very small handful of the options out there. Go forth and get your sexy on, lovely Letter Writer, and I hope this was helpful to you and anyone else shopping for safe toys on a budget.

Remember: we all deserve pleasure, and we all deserve SAFE toys, no matter what our financial situation.

Love,
Amy xx

Remember: I’ll answer your question on the blog, too! Just email coffeeandkink69 (at) gmail (dot) com and I’ll help if I can.

The image featured in this post was offered for use under Creative Commons Licensing.

The C Word: All The Wrong Things I Was Ever Taught About Consent

Are you celebratiing #KinkMonth? If not, you totally should be! Why not treat yourself to something exciting, and enjoy a free lube when you spend at least £30 on kinky goodies at Lovehoney?

I’m celebrating by taking part in Kayla Lords’ 30 Days of D/s programme and writing posts inspired by the prompts. Today… oh boy. It’s the big one. Simultaneously one of my favourite topics, and one that feels too massive to actively delve into.

Today, we’re talking consent. 

Scrabble style letters spell out "yes" on a slate grey background. For a post on consent

Look, I can’t have my say on consent in one post. I just can’t. I’ll probably write a book on it one day (or at least a collection of essays,) but today I have to tell you something meaningful about one of the biggest and thorniest topics out there, in 1,000 words or less.

Something I learned recently: prior to finding sex-positivity, everything I was ever taught about consent is wrong. Everything you were ever taught about it is probably wrong, too.

Let’s go ahead and delve into some of the wrongness.

“Only men need to seek consent. Women don’t need to ask because men are always up for sex.”

If there is one myth that I think could fix so many of the world’s problems around sex if it would just have the decency to die in a fucking fire already, it’s this one.

Newsflash: sometimes, women want sex. Sometimes, men don’t want sex – tonight or this week or with this person or ever. Sometimes women want sex more than men[1] or at different times than men. And everyone needs to seek consent before and while engaging in any kind of sexual activity. (Incidentally, there are more than two genders and not all sex is heterosexual, so there’s that. Consent rules apply the same.)

[1] Source: literally every single male-shaped person I’ve ever dated having a lower sex drive than me, whether only slightly lower or a whole lot lower.

“Consent is unsexy and ruins the mood.”

Fuck this one! Fuck it backwards and upside down with a cactus, seriously.

Consent doesn’t have to be unsexy, awkward or scary. It doesn’t have to be a big sit-down discussion with yes/no/maybe lists (though these are awesome,) contracts and lawyers, for fuck’s sake. It can be straightforward: “I’d really like to kiss you, would you be into that?” “What kind of sex are you into tonight?” It can be playful: “Hey baby, wanna spank my ass?” It can be sexy: “God, I want to fuck you so bad. Do you want my cock?”

And you know what? Even if it IS awkward, even if you DO perceive active consent as unsexy… it’s still fucking vital. Get over it.

“If she says “no” or pushes you away, it might really mean “yes.””

No no no no no no no.

If someone says no or pushes you away, unless it’s part of a very clearly negotiated game (in which instance, you have a safeword, right!?)… no means fucking no.

Playing hard to get is bullshit. Even if you think someone might be doing it (because societal stigma is strong, especially when it comes to women being enthusiastic about sex,) the correct response is to stop what you’re doing and have a conversation with your partner about what’s going on and what you both want and don’t want. The correct response is never to just go ahead and have the sex.

No means no. Pushing you away means no. Freezing means no. Hemming and hawing without giving an enthusiastic “yes” means no. Making excuses means no. “I have a headache” means no. “We really shouldn’t” means no. Say it with me now: anything that isn’t clear and unambiguous consent means no.

“If I don’t ask, they’ll have sex with me! But if I ask, they might say no.”

If you ask and they say no, they were either never going to have sex with you in the first place and would have told you to stop when you got close to a boundary, or they would have endured an experience they weren’t really consenting to, possibly out of fear of the repercussions of saying no.

Is it worth risking maybe raping someone because you’re afraid that asking gives them permission to maybe say no?

(If your answer to the above question is “yes,” fuck off from my blog, ask yourself some serious questions, get therapy and don’t go near another human until you sort your shit out.)

“It’s really hard to know if someone’s consenting or not!”

First: no, it isn’t. Most people’s body language when they’re into an encounter is actually quite clear, and VERY different from the aforementioned “going along with it because you might really hurt me if I say no.”

Second: FUCKING ASK.

Third: if you’re still not sure, it’s your responsibility to not do the thing until you are sure.

See also: this song. [Song is “For the Guys” by Rachel Lark, who is a fucking badass genius. Lyrics include “if you’re not sure that it’s not rape, don’t do it!“]

Tell me in the comments or on Twitter: what lies were you told about consent?

Kinky item of the day is one from my “maybe someday when I have a shedload of money” wishlist: a proper custom-fit chastity belt. (Not an affiliate link and I have no connection to the company.)

Heads up: this post contains an affiliate link and if you buy through it, I make a small commission. All opinions are, and will always be, my own.

The image featured in this post was offered for use under Creative Commons Licensing.