5 Reasons You Need Sex Positive Friends

After I write this post, I’m going to be jumping in the shower and then loading the car and heading off to Manchester with Mr CK. There we will convene with 8 of my amazing sex-positive friends for my 28th birthday party. Unsurprisingly, then, when I was considering what to write today I started thinking about sex-positive friendships.

A group of grey kittens in a basket. For a post about sex positive friendsSince I joined the sex-positive and sex writing communities, first on Twitter and then in real life, I have met some of the most amazing people I have ever been privileged enough to call friends. So this is a little celebration of them all, and some thoughts on why you really need sex-positive friends in your life.

You don’t have to self-censor

I hate self censorship, and I do it a lot out of desire to not lose my day job or alienate my family. But sometimes you just want to say “I got fucked realllllllly good last night!” or “check out this awesome shot I took of my boobs!” When you have an awesome group of sex-positive friends, fear of oversharing is… if not entirely eliminated, at least substantially reduced. No-one’s going to say, “ew, I don’t want to hear about your sex life!” when you literally became friends with them through sharing your sex life on the internet.

You don’t have to explain yourself again and again and again

Sure, you’ll occasionally run across someone who doesn’t know the term you’re using, or someone else will use a term you’re not familiar with. And that’s absolutely fine! But the vast majority of the time, terms like polyamory, open relationship, bisexual, pansexual, genderqueer, BDSM, D/s relationship… can just roll off your tongue and no-one will look at you like you’ve grown an extra head.

You can also throw out phrases like, “so my boyfriend’s wife was saying that…” or “when my partner’s girlfriend came over…” without the constant double-take, the wait-what-did-you-just-say?

I don’t mind explaining myself occasionally, and I love dissecting the nuances of our different identities and what they mean and how they manifest for us. But doing polyamory/swinging/kink-1o1 again and again and fucking again is exhausting. With sex-positive friends who get it, you don’t have to do that.

Sex-positive friends will be your biggest cheerleaders

I’ve rarely come across a group of people so loving, so affirming and just so goddamn supportive as sex bloggers, sex writers and other sex-positive folks. These are the people who will retweet the shit out of that thing you wrote that you weren’t sure about, or respond with some variaton of YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL GODDESS when you share a nude, or celebrate with you when you hit a goal, big or small. We lift each other up when we’re down and we share the highs when we’re up.

Affection is free and easy, and so is consent

Something that sex-positive people understand is that the lines between what society considers appropriate vs. inappropriate between friends are almost entirely arbitrarily imposed. They get that everyone has their own unique boundaries and comfort levels, and that individual relationships get to decide what is and isn’t within their rules. The net result of this is that affection tends to be very free and easy – hugs and cuddles can be joyfully shared without it necessarily needing to mean anything bigger, and kisses and kink play and even occasionally sex can happen between friends without it having to make things weird.

It also means that consent is at the heart of all interactions. In these circles, I’ve also never felt pressured into anything I didn’t want to do. Basically, the deciding factor in whether or not to do something isn’t friends do X, lovers do Y, but simply: does everyone involved enthusiastically want to do X, Y and Z?

I don’t want to go all “hashtag-blessed” on you, but…

Basically, I believe this community has made me a better person. It has certainly immeasurably improved my life and made me a lot happier. I only hope I can give back some small measure of all that these amazing people have given to me.

#ManchBirthdayFest, here we come!

Love-Letters to People I’ll Never Fuck

It’s Valentine’s Day! However you feel about the Day of Love (and I know there’s a lot of feelings out there about it,) we can’t deny that it’s culturally ubiquitous and impossible to escape. This day has long been associated with hearts, flowers, chocolates, elaborate proposals and quintessentially romantic love.

A puppy and kitten cuddling in a patch of sunlight on some grass. For a post about Valentine's Day and non-sexual love.

Now, I love Valentine’s Day. I love it because I love love. But as a polyamorous person – and just as a human being with lots of important people in my life – I believe in not only many loves but many kinds of love.

So today I want to celebrate some of the most important non-romantic and non-sexual loves in my life. People I’m not fucking and not in hearts-and-flowers love with, but who have had a profound impact on my life in some way and to whom I can comfortably say I love you.

One.

You are my best friend and I love you. People talk about an instant connection that then stands the test of time in a romantic context, but with you it was instead the kind of friendship that comes when you meet a kindred soul.

You’ve always been the person I know I can call in the middle of the night; the person I can confess the most personal things to without judgement; the person who has been there for me, through thick and thin, through university and work and moves across the country and bad decisions and terrible boyfriends. And you’re also the person I have more fun with than almost anyone. When we hang out, I can briefly be 19 again.

I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re one in a million, and I don’t even care how corny that is. You’re one of the best people I’ve ever known and had the privilege to call a friend.

Two.

You were a surprise. I’ve never clicked with a metamour as fast or as easily as I did with you, nor have I ever had such a profoundly positive relationship with one.

You make me feel welcomed and valued in a situation where my experience has usually been one of being pushed to the side, grudgingly tolerated at best, constantly reminded of my place at the bottom of the priority heap. You didn’t do any of that – you were the opposite.

I am in awe of your wisdom, your kindness, your generosity, your strength and your spirit.

One of the best things about the many great things about being in a relationship with The Artist is that I get to be metamours with you. Thank you for doing so much to restore my faith in this little thing we call “polyamory”.

Three.

You have the honour of “oldest friend I’m still actively friends with” at this point. I don’t know if I ever thanked you properly for everything you did for me when we were growing up. In a world that terrified me and a life I didn’t want to be in much of the time, you were one of the people who stood steadfastly by my side and didn’t really care that I was a socially unacceptable person to hang around with.

You were always wise beyond your years and kind beyond the life experiences you had.

Four.

We might have drifted into very minimal contact – unsurprising, I suppose, given 14 years (half my life, fucking hell) and 12,000 miles. But I haven’t forgotten a single minute.

You probably saved my life. Did I ever tell you that? I still believe we’ll meet again, though I don’t know when or where or how, but even if we don’t…

You’re with me like a handprint on my heart.

Five.

I don’t pretend to understand you – I spent years trying to puzzle you out, but eventually I realised that you’ll always be something of an enigma to me.

I was a little bit in love with you, once upon a time. Of course I knew it would never come to anything (that pesky “you being straight” thing was a hindrance if nothing else!) but it was never supposed to. You taught me how to love freely even from a place of complete confusion.

You drift in and out of my life, each time different and yet somehow always kind of the same. I rarely know what’s actually going on in your life any more, but whenever we do end up thrown back together there’s always nothing but love there. And for that, I am grateful.

So that’s me, folks. Tell me about your non-sexual loves this Valentine’s day?

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Image courtesy of Pixabay, an awesome site of royalty-free images.

Ten Things I Took Home From Eroticon 2017

The amazing Jenny, who I met on the Sunday of Eroticon 2017, started this lovely meme and I just couldn’t resist taking part. In short: it was utterly wonderful and may even have changed my world a little bit.

So what did I bring home from Eroticon 2017?

My Swag Bag from Eroticon 2017. A purple tote bag with the Eroticon rainbow lips icon on the front.

1. SO MUCH SWAG

Thanks to the amazing sponsors, I came away with a bag full of fabulous free stuff including two mugs, two very NSFW t-shirts, a notebook that has already been heavily scrawled in, a goodly amount of condoms, and a pamphlet of mini erotic stories perfect for reading on the Tube.

2. Friendships

There were people at Eroticon 2017 I’d previously considered ‘internet friends,’ who are now real-life friends. People who were strangers on Friday and friends on Monday. People who I met only briefly, but who gave me so much. Conversation, advice, business cards, their beautiful words or even just a smile in the corridor. And there are people, many people, with whom I want to keep in touch and build on our new-found friendships.

3. A renewed sense of community

The thing I love the most about a good ‘Con is the sense, however fleeting, of being not alone. I often feel isolated. I live far away from almost all the people who really get me. Eroticon has reminded me that there are people like me out there. Miles separate us, but something much more powerful joins us together – Community. (And also Twitter a little bit.)

4. An exciting new toy (actually, two)

I picked up the new Ruby Glow this weekend. I’ve only tried it out very briefly so far but what I’ve seen (well, felt) I liked. I’m looking forward to settling down for a nice long wank with it and some good smut, and then reviewing it for the reading pleasure of all you lovely pervs. I was also lucky enough, right at the end of the ‘Con, to win a cordless Magic Wand from So Divine. I doubt any vibe will replace my beloved Doxy, but the cordless Wand will be perfect for when we’re playing at the Club or other places where there isn’t a power point nearby.

 5. A new name

I’m not quite ready to reveal it just yet, but after thinking long and hard (heh) about it, I’ve decided not to use either my kink scene name or my real name (duh, right?) as the name under which I will write and hopefully publish erotic fiction. I took some advice from the incredible Kayla to pick a name that feels right for me to use and answer to, and which has some kind of personal relevance, and I think I’ve found the one.

 6. Story ideas

SO MANY STORY IDEAS, you guys. Article ideas too. And probably poetry ideas, but they won’t go any further than my notebook and possibly Fetlife page. (The poor unsuspecting world does not need my attempts at poetry unleashing upon it!) Seriously, I have like a whole page in my notebook just listing smutty stories I want to write, and another page listing possible article or blog post topics.

 7. Contacts

Two people from the weekend have already asked me to guest-write for their blogs (thank you Kayla and Exhibit A!) I’ll certainly be taking them up on these lovely offers and I’ve also come away with business cards, names of publishing imprints and more – in other words, contacts I hope I can utilise to get my work out there and hopefully, eventually, make some money in this game of ‘writing about sex.’

8. Revitalised ambition

There’s nothing like a weekend around other people on a similar path to kick-start your own ambitions. Mine have been sleeping recently, as I cope with the realities of a complicated relationship and a demanding day job. But now I’m feeling more motivated than I have in years and I’m ready to go out there, kick ass, take names and WRITE SOME SMUT. I don’t ever expect sex writing to be my full-time job (especially as my ‘vanilla’ (ugh) writing career is also really important to me,) but for the first time I’m looking at this as something that might be more than just a bit of fun and a way to entertain the three people who read what I post on Fetlife.

9. Confidence

This might be hard for you to believe of the girl bouncing around in kitty ears and a t-shirt with the word ‘FUCK’ emblazoned across it (thanks, Fuck.com) and reading porn on the Tube, but… I’m actually quite shy. Shy, plagued by anxiety and lacking in self-esteem, to be entirely honest. I went into this weekend jittery with nerves, not just at the thought of socialising with new people but also worrying I’d be seen as a fraud, a fake, an amateur, not a serious or ‘real’ writer. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Not only did the people who have read my work say absolutely lovely things about it, those who are much further on in their sex writing journey were also totally validating and amazing to those of us who are just starting out. I thought I’d find elitism, but I found a supportive and loving community.

 10. Words of affirmation

There were so many great things said over the weekend, and lots of the most quotable parts were live-tweeted (check out #Eroticon for just some of the fun!) But the pieces that really struck home for me, I scribbled in my notebook – partly for the joy of writing beautiful words by hand, and partly so I can come back to them any time to remind myself.

I leave you all with the words of affirmation, love and community and are immortalised in ink in my jumbled set of notes from the weekend:

You are not alone. You are not broken. (Formidable Femme)

RELAX. (Alix Fox)

No-one does what you do quite like you. (Girl on the Net)

Stand firm with your boundaries. (Sorry, I can’t remember who said this.)

See you all next year x

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