#SoSS 24 March 2018: Eroticon Edition

#SoSS or #ShareOurShitSaturday comes from a call to action by the fabulous Girl on the Net, calling on all those who love the work of sex-positive creators (writers, bloggers, photographers, artists, educators) to share our work (“share our shit”) far and wide. This is particularly important in the wake of Facebook deleting accounts, Twitter shadow-banning, and Instagram shutting down anything with “BDSM” or “sex” in the name.

For a lot of us, this work is both our passion and the way we make our living. We show up day in, day out, often for peanuts in terms of financial reward, because we believe in the content we make and we know the content we put out into the world has a positive impact on our readers.

Of course, supporting us with your £££ is amazing if you can, but sharing our shit is a way that you can support us without it costing you a penny. So, in the spirit of #SoSS, here’s an Eroticon-themed roundup of some of my favourite content from across the blogosphere this week…

1. A Pub Gang -Bang by Tits & Test Tubes

This post-Eroticon fantasy scene has got it all – group sex, humiliation, spanking and more. It’s so, so good… and makes me even happier because I’m kinda in it. (No, I’m not telling you which character I am, you can use your imagination). Jadis is a serious up-and-coming talent in the sex blog-o-sphere.

2. I Lost My Sexuality for a Year by Miss Eve E

This is a stunning, personal and powerful account of Eve’s last year of pain and illness, and how that affected her sexual desire. Her experience really shows how so much of the medical world doesn’t take sexuality – or sexual side-effects of pain and medication – seriously. But it’s untimately a story of hope, as she talks about how Eroticon helped her to reclaim her sexuality and she will continue to do so in 2018. Really important.

3. What I Took Home from Eroticon by John Brownstone

A lovely piece on the nature and importance of community. I loved meeting JB, who together with his wife Kayla makes up the powerhouse duo behind Loving BDSM. He’s just as warm, friendly and fun in person as he is on the podcast, and this piece really speaks to me as someone who felt very alone until I finally found my community and my people.

4. Eroticon 2018: Ten Things… by The Other Livvy

A great piece from Livvy about the things she took away from Eroticon this year. Features a Star Wars joke, a lovely comment on my ridiculous Saturday night outfit, a hot-as-fuck vac bed picture, some lovely quotes, and a #SinfulSunday picture that I took.

5. Learning Post #Eroticon by Cara Thereon

Some beautiful words from Cara about the things she learned and took away from Eroticon. I loved meeting Cara – she’s lovely, smart and insightful and the piece she read out on Sunday was hot as fuck. She talks about learning about herself, facing her fears, and becoming more enmeshed in the community. I look forward to whatever she does next!

And that’s it for this week, folks. There were so many brilliant post-‘Con pieces that really spoke to me and you can read them all here. This is just a small selection of my personal favourites.

Have a great week, and don’t forget: if you like our work, SHARE IT!

Ten Things I Learned at Eroticon

It’s over for another year! Eroticon, the event that changed my life last year (which I drunkenly told Girl on the Net on Saturday night) has been and gone yet again, and WHAT a time it was!

My body in a very sexy PVC catsuit, from Eroticon 2018[Pictured: The Catsuit of Joy.]

1. I’ve been undervaluing myself, financially.

I went to two sessions on making money from blogging, one from Kayla Lords and one from The Sarahs (Sarah Bryn Holliday and Sarah-Jane). Through these amazing sessions and chats with other bloggers I admire, I realised that I’ve been undervaluing my work and not charging enough for what I do. I’m resolving to change this and ask for what I’m worth from now on!

2. Age Verification under the DEB doesn’t apply to written content.

I attended a brilliant session on legal tips for sex bloggers from lawyer Neil Brown. Much of this, unsurprisingly, was focused on the Digital Economy Bill, which may or may not take effect later this year if the government gets its act together and works out what the fuck’s going on with it. Though, of course, throwing the whole thing out would be better!

Turns out at age verification, should it be implemented, will not apply to purely text-based sites. This will be a relief for a lot of us. However, the rules around images will still affect loads of bloggers, and this bill is still utterly horrifying and we should be doing everything in our collective power to get it overturned.

3. Turns out there are circumstances under which loud, crowded bars are fun for me.

And those circumstances involve “three or more sex bloggers” and “copious amounts of wine.”

4. I can say no when I need to and it’s okay.

Being the lucky girl I am, I had two offers of kisses from utterly delightful people whom I would be honoured to make out with. I declined on the basis of having not negotiated spontaneous ‘Con make-outs with Mr CK (note to self: negotiate that next year!!!) The same with a lovely offer to spank a gorgeous arse. On all occasions, everyone was 100% fine with my boundaries and lovely interactions continued!

I wish the same could be said for random dudes in bars who seem to think that a sexy outfit is an invitation to circle back around every 15 minutes or so and try their luck again. Speaking of which…

5. I look DAMN fine in a catsuit

Have you ever walked through a bar full of unsuspecting vanillas in a PVC catsuit, leather ears and high boots? If you haven’t, I recommend it. The glance, followed by the double-take and the head turn, is quite something.

Thank you to all the Eroticon babes who were so complimentary of my slightly OTT but utterly fabulous outfit choice.

6. Podcasting is a blast 

I got to record an episode of Loving BDSM with Kayla and JB, and it was an absolute blast! I had SO MUCH FUN and we laughed so much. And yes, we had coffee while we were doing it.

7. How to give responsible sex advice.

This was the title of a brilliant session I attended run by Meg-John Barker and Justin Hancock, the powerhouse duo behind Enjoy Sex (How When and If You Want To) and their fantastic sex education website.

In this session I learned about self-care when giving advice, about setting boundaries around advice giving, about how to advise someone when the asker is being a dick, and about knowing the limitations of your own expertise and “credentials” (not that such things meaningfully exist in this field). It was SO good and I feel much more confident in my own advice-giving, both on and off this website, as a result.

8. Even the most awesome and accomplished people sometimes feel insecure.

Hearing bloggers and writers and creators I really admire, those who inspire me every day, talk about their own struggles with imposter syndrome and not feeling good enough was weirdly comforting. We’re all a little insecure in our own way. We all occasionally feel like we don’t know what we’re doing. But actually, our work has tremendous value and each of us brings amazing and unique perspectives to the table. Our brains are lying to us. We’re brilliant.

9. I am enough.

Being at Eroticon, and especially hanging out with the of ridiculously awesome people I spent a lot of time with, makes me feel profoundly accepted in a way I’ve rarely experienced anywhere else. It’s okay that I’ve been having a bad mental health time. It’s okay that I haven’t achieved all of my goals yet. I am accepted and I am enough.

10. Your words can change the world

Finishing, as I did last year, with some words of wisdom from Girl on the Net.

Let’s change the world together, babes.

If you’re a reader who would like to support me in continuing to attend events like Eroticon, please consider becoming a Patron, buying me a coffee, or shopping with my affiliates in the right hand sidebar.

If you’re a company who would like to hire me, please email coffeeandkink69 (at) gmail (dot) com and we’ll talk.

Ten Things I’m Taking TO Eroticon

Many of you may remember last year’s Ten Things I Took Home From Eroticon blogging meme started by the lovely Jenny. Well, I decided to turn it on its head and, with just a week and a half to go until this year’s ‘Con, tell you a little about ten things I’m planning on taking with me this year.

1. My name

Last year’s Eroticon, I wasn’t Amy Norton yet. I was using a haphazard mix of my kink scene name, a diminutive of my legal name, and just ‘Coffee&Kink’/’CK’. I’d toyed with different names but none of them felt quite right.

This year, though, I’m comfortably sitting in this identity (so much so that select people in my offline life now call me Amy, and I love it).

Hi. I’m Amy. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

2. A schedule

Last year, I pretty much went in blind to Eroticon. I’d glanced over the schedule, but being a newbie I decided to mostly go with the flow and go to whatever felt right in the moment.

This time, though, I’ve got a much more curated workshops plan in order to get what I want the most out of the ‘Con. In case you were wondering, it is as follows:

Saturday:
Taboo (Remittance Girl)
Making Money from Your Blog (Kayla Lords)
Legal Tips for Sex Writers (Neil Brown)
Podcasting Panel (Kayla Lords & John Brownstone)
Different Approaches to Sex Toy Activism (Emmeline Peaches)
KinkLab

Sunday:
Is There a Book in Your Blog? (Cressida Dowling)
Getting It Up (Fetish.com)
Shocking the System (Kendra Holliday)
How to Give Responsible Sex Advice (panel)
Financial Wizardry for Sex Bloggers (Sarah Bryn Holliday & Sarah Jane)

Naturally, I’ll also be attending the Friday evening pre-drinks and the Saturday evening social. Other plans include a pre-‘Con run with Emmeline, dinner with Sarah, and food and recording a podcast with Kayla and John of Loving BDSM. Of course, my planned schedule is flexible if I find I’m really not in the mood for something at the time, but this is a good cross-section of stuff I want to learn plus all the workshops I consider ‘unmissable’ this year!

3.The signature kitty ears

I wasn’t expecting these to be such a hit last year! To be honest, I wasn’t even expecting to be the only person in feline-themed headwear! I just wore them because they make me feel more confident and they help me to tap into my kinky, sexy, sparkly self. But I got so many compliments on them and people remembered me for them (I literally pitched an article to Girl on the Net with an email that included a sentence along the lines of ‘if you don’t remember me, I was the one with the ears’.)

Yeah, they’re definitely coming with me again this year. I might even pack a couple of different pairs. Yes, I have daywear ears and formal ears. Doesn’t everyone!?

4. The Catsuit of Joy

Remember this one? It was a review item/gift from my friends at Latex Leather & Lace and the cause of The Boobs That Made Straight Girls Question Their Heterosexuality.

Yes, I’m planning on wearing it on Saturday night. Yes, I will also be pairing it with the aforementioned signature ears. And yes, you have my full consent to stare at my chest as much as you like.

5. (Small) sex toys

I’m not interested in hooking up at Eroticon, but I did realise last year that hearing so much glorious smut during the day would inevitably lead me to needing to have a quick wank back in my hotel room before bed. Couple this with the fact that citalopram withdrawal has made my sex drive go a bit haywire this last week or so, and… yeah.

I’m gonna be short on packing space but I think the Tango and MiMi will fit nicely in my case.

6. Fabulous femme things

I can’t wait to get my femme on at Eroticon. I’m already planning makeup experiments of the kind I don’t normally attempt. There will be glitter, for sure, because I need to make the most of this opportunity as I am no longer allowed to wear glitter at home (you get it in the sofa ONE time…!) There will also be jewellery, made for me by my sweetie The Artist, getting its first outing that weekend.

7. A portable coffee mug and good coffee

Um, hey. Have you met me? I’m obsessed with coffee and would probably replace my blood with it if I wouldn’t die. I just ordered myself an awesome new travel mug, which is coming with me and will be filled permanently with coffee in order to keep me going at top capacity through the whirlwind of the weekend. I’ll probably also bring a stash of coffee bags, because I find the coffee most venues serve leaves a lot to be desired. (Yes, I’m a snob.)

8. My Fuck.com notebook

This was in the goodie bags at Eroticon 2017 and it’s still my favourite notebook to scribble smutty notes in. I’ll be frantically taking notes and story ideas and sound-bites and hanging on every word my favourite presenters have to say!

9. Hugs to give out

There are so many people I want to cuddlepounce the fuck out of next weekend. I will be coming with my best hugging arms and ready to wrap them around anyone who consents.

10. Realness

Last night, I was panicking that I haven’t achieved all of the things I wanted to achieve ahead of this year’s Eroticon. I haven’t lost 50lb, or finished my novella. I haven’t quit my job to spend my days writing about dildos (okay, that one is a pipe dream rather than an actual plan) or completely weaned myself off my antidepressants. Hell, I haven’t even finished my PhD application!

But then I realised: it doesn’t matter. I can bring my realness to Eroticon. I can be a hot mess in all my hot, messy glory, and it will be okay. These are my people and this is my community and I can be both a fabulous, smut-loving sparklefemme AND an anxious wreck with a hefty dose of imposter syndrome. Both of these things can be true. It will be okay.

I think  the theme of this Eroticon for me will be: I am.

If you’re there too, come say hello!

I’m very friendly. Talk to me about BDSM, sex toys, smashing the patriarchy, what you’re reading lately, musical theatre, coffee, sex ed reform, feminist fiction, femme identity or non-monogamy. Or just tell me about your work and I’ll lap it up.

If you want to support my work and help me keep attending conferences like Eroticon, which are the highlight of my year but also expensive, you can buy me a virtual coffee, shop with my affiliates in the right-hand sidebar, or become a Sexy Patron to access some exciting bonus content. (I’m considering audio clips for Patreon supporters, so there’s that to look forward to!) Thank you to Oliver, my newest Patreon supporter.

2017 “Top 5” Roundup

Apart from my 1 Year Anniversary post on New Years’ Eve (which is written and ready to go,) this will probably be my last post of 2017. In that vein, I wanted to end the year with a roundup post of sorts, some Top 5s from the year.

I hope you are all having a wonderful festive season and I can’t wait to keep the conversation about all things sex and kink going with you in 2018.

A fluffy tabby cat playing with a gold bauble handing from a Christmas tree. For a post about Top 5s of 2017.

Top 5 New Sex Toys

#1Doxy Number 3, simply one of the most perfect things to ever have graced my bits.
#2We-Vibe Tango, the only bullet I will ever need.
#3Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation, the toy that made me like suction toys.
#4Come Hither Rabbit, the only rabbit vibrator I’ve ever enjoyed.
#5The Ruby Glow, a revelation in ride-on fun.

Top 5 Sex Blogging Inspirations

#1Kayla Lords
#2Girl on the Net
#3Molly Moore
#4Kate Sloan
#5Emmeline Peaches

Top 5 Awesome Events

#1Eroticon 2017, the one that started it all.
#2 – Autumn CM/nf, where I get to be naked and ogle pretty men in suits.
#3Lube & a Laptop, a fun summer social with other sexy writers and creators.
#4 – BiCon 2017, where I got to teach my workshop on “Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex Toys” for the first time.
#5 – Sex Blogger Christmas, a super fun (and boozy) event hosted by the wonderful EA and Livvy.

Top 5 Books About Sex

#1Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski
#2How a Bad Girl Fell in Love by Girl on the Net
#3Approaching the Swingularity by Cooper S Beckett
#4Enjoy Sex (How, When and IF You Want To) by Meg-John Barker & Justin Hancock
#5The Myth of Sex Addiction by Dr David Ley

Top 5 Podcasts

#1Loving BDSM, where Kayla and John bring their unique brand of humour, opinions and adorableness to speaking and educating on all aspects of the BDSM lifestyle. #CricketCrew4Lyf
#2The Dildorks, “dorky discourse on sex, dating and masturbating,” with the wonderful Kate Sloan and Bex Caputo.
#3The Guilty Feminist, which makes me cry with laughter and feel better about all the times my life choices don’t fully match my highest feminist ideals.
#4Polyamory Weekly, a very long-standing favourite about all aspects of unconventional love.
#5Life on the Swingset, the swinging and polyamory podcast.

Top 5 Blog Posts

#1The Tyranny of No Rules: In Defense of Polyamorous Heirarchy
#2I’m Looking for Baggage that Goes with Mine
#3“Pretty” is Not My Success – On Being a Swan
#4#SexNotStigma: Using My Sexuality to Manage my Mental Health
#5“Bring the Collar” – The True Story of a D/s Breakup

Top 5 Accomplishments

#1 – Winning the New Voices Award from Molly’s annual list of the best sex bloggers.
#2 – Placing as one of Kinkly’s Top 100 Sex Blogging Superheroes.
#3 – Starting to earn Actual Money from writing about sex.
#4 – Organising Smutathon 2017 and raising £2,000 for Backlash and Rape Crisis.
#5 – Doing #KinkMonth/3o Days of Ds and writing a post every single day for the month of October.

Top 5 Goals for 2018

#1 – Start a PhD programme.
#2 – Cut down to 4 days a week on my day job and make up the additional income from writing.
#3 – Place in the Top 50 of the Kinkly Sex Blogging Superheroes list.
#4 – Have a piece of erotic fiction published, either in an anthology or as a stand-alone.
#5 – Finish my sexy novella set at a BDSM convention.

So there you have it, friends! What were your Top 5s of 2017?

Affiliate links are used within this post. All opinions my own. Image is courtesy of Pixabay.

Sex Educator Interview #4 – Kayla Lords

The latest in the Sex Educator Interviews series comes from the gorgeous and VERY talented Kayla Lords. I discovered Kayla’s Loving BDSM podcast about a year ago, which she co-hosts with her fiance and Daddy Dom John Brownstone, and I was hooked. I met Kayla in person at Eroticon this March and was delighted to find that she’s as funny, insightful, friendly and talkative in person as she is on the show. I feel privileged to feature her on here and even more privileged to call her a friend.

The Loving BDSM podcast logo, a purple heart surrounded by 2 floggers. For an interview with Kayla Lords

Tell us a little bit about you and the work you do?

I’m a sex blogger, podcaster, freelance writer, erotic author, and baby girl submissive in a D/s relationship. I enjoy creating content – audio or text – that involves sex, but specifically BDSM and D/s relationships. I enjoy the sexy side of things and write both erotic fiction and non-fiction, but when it comes to helping other people, I prefer to talk about the realities of D/s relationships and how to navigate a busy life (as a parent, partner, and basically normal human being) and still get the “kinky fuckery” you want. My goal isn’t to tell someone the right way (because there is no right way beyond communication and consent) to live a D/s and kinky life, but to help them figure out what “right” is for them in a healthy, realistic way.

What first made you want to write about sex?

I blogged in the vanilla world (anything not sex/kink related is “vanilla” to me, I don’t use it as a pejorative term) under my real name for about a year as I went through a divorce. It was nice to write and connect to people, but when I realized that I had sexual thoughts and fantasies I wanted to share, I realized I *didn’t* want my mother to read them. I’d already learned that blogging can be healing and cathartic, and I had a lot of sexual repression to deal with – I didn’t have an orgasm until I was 32. Writing was a way to finally get some of the sexual fantasies and questions out of my head and maybe connect to other people who’d understand where I was coming from. It helped that while I was blogging in the vanilla world, I discovered sex blogs and became a lurker. Starting my own sex blog allowed me to join the conversation under a pseudonym without worrying about outing myself as kinky.

Can you tell us a little bit about your journey to becoming a professional sex writer? How does one ‘make it’ in this field?

My journey in the professional sex writing world began first with my blog which I started in 2012. It’s what taught me that people really are interested in reading what I (and many others) have to say about sex and relationships. In 2014, I quit my long-time desk job to become a freelance writer in the vanilla world but for every business-related article I wrote, I wished I was writing something about BDSM, kink, or D/s. In 2015, I decided that I would branch out and find places to write for under the “Kayla Lords” name. I sent out a completely not-professional email to Kinkly.com asking about writing opportunities – I didn’t pitch ideas. I didn’t offer any writing samples. I think I just asked, “Do you need writers?” But they were kind and willing to pull the necessary information out of me. From there, I caught the bug. If one place liked my ideas and writing style and would pay me, surely there would be other sites. And there were. As of 2017, fully half my income is from writing about sex – some as a contributor for websites, some comes from my websites, and I also pick up adult business clients who need a blogger or ghostwriter. One “makes” it as a writer by writing – often, consistently, and even when you’re not sure it’s good enough. You make it as a paid writer by seeking out sites that say they’re looking for writers and starting the conversation. Not everyone will pick up your ideas or offer compensation, but some will.

What does “a day in the life of You” look like?

I crave routine and the life of a freelance, self-employed person is anything but routine, especially since I have so many projects going at once. In a perfect world, I’m at my laptop after coffee, breakfast, and getting the kids started for their day. I’ve learned to work on my own blog and personal projects first so they actually get done. Then I spend the rest of the day working on client or contributor work – vanilla or sexual. I keep a running to-do list of whatever I need to get done in a given week. If the week is especially busy, I’ll map out my to-do list by the day so I know exactly what has to be written and submitted by the end of that work day. Doing this allows me to meet my deadlines without worrying I’ll disappoint an editor or a client. In between, I may need to record a podcast (for Loving BDSM) or take a call (I do a weekly session on iRadio in Ireland as their “sexpert” – a word I don’t love) or run errands. I’ve learned to be a little bit more flexible with my routine so I take breaks for coffee, the gym, or appointments – as long as I get that day’s work done before I go to bed, I’m happy. And yes, this means sometimes I’m writing at midnight when I need to wake up at 6 the next morning.

What’s the best thing about being a sex writer, in your opinion? The worst?

The best thing about being a sex writer is that I’m writing about sex! I never think I know it all so I don’t write in black and white terms of this or that options. When I’m given the freedom – because of a pitch that was accepted or because it’s my own personal writing – to write what I believe is relevant and important to my readers, it’s an amazing feeling.

There’s no real “worst” in sex writing because the things that can be awful – unsolicited hate, random dick pics because since I write about sex clearly I want to have All The Sex with All The People, and people who think my topic is trash, sinful, or whatever – that all rolls off my back. The hate some people receive is rare for me (thank goodness, and I know exactly how lucky I am). But I also believe so firmly in what I write and share that someone getting upset because they don’t agree is their problem, not mine. Now, to be clear, there are annoyances and anxieties that are a part of my sex writing life but none of them rise to the level of being hated. I’m so happy that I get to write about what I love and get paid for it that the rest doesn’t touch me the same way it does in my vanilla writing. Because in the vanilla writing world, I can list all the things I hate – which is probably why I’m looking forward to the day when the vanilla writing is no longer a necessary part of my income – which is my 2018 goal.

What’s your favourite piece you’ve ever written, fiction and non-fiction?

That’s a harder question than I thought it might be. I tend to write a thing, mean it desperately, and then let it go out into the world without a backward glance. It’ll touch readers or it won’t, I just need it to be genuine, earnest, and well-written. But the writing that comes from a place deep inside me – meaning it’s something I’ve felt, and I’m letting other people know it’s okay to feel and how it affected me – those tend to stick with me. I have two that were meant for the readers but were also reminders to myself:

Both came as a result of my own feelings and things that other submissive were sharing with me, so they were deeply personal pieces.

Who inspires you, professionally and personally?

I tend to be inspired both professional and personally at the same time because my professional life IS personal to me. In the sex blogging world, Molly Moore and Girl on the Net are my spirit animals and I fangirl all over them (in my head, where they can’t see) on a regular basis. When I see them doing something amazing, I don’t want to copy them but I do want to emulate them so I can create my own version of what I admire about them. Of course, they’ve also (inadvertently, without knowing it) taught me to be proud of my own accomplishments and not to be afraid to go my own way if it feels right and it works for me.

In my regular life, my mom inspires me. She went from nothing to extremely successful by working for someone else and is now looking to start over with her own business. She taught me that it’s possible to reach the “impossible” goals, to make a good life for yourself and your family no matter how hard life seems, and to never give up. She also taught me that hard work and an honest effort gets you further in life than anything else.

If you were stuck on a desert island (sorry, sorry, I HAD to do a ‘desert island’ question) and could take one sex toy, one kinky item, and one sexy book, what would you pick and why?

Assuming I had electricity, I’m bringing my Hitachi (aka Original Magic Wand) – no questions asked. My kinky item would be a flogger. And no sexy book, but I’ll bring my laptop so I can write. And this all assumes John Brownstone is with me, and if not, HE’S my kinky item. 😉

What’s something you used to believe about sex/relationships but don’t believe any more, and what changed your mind?

I used to believe that sex wasn’t that important and that any relationship can be fixed. I stayed in a 12 year relationship (married for nine of them) because I thought those two things were true. I now understand that sex isn’t the MOST important part of a relationship, but for me, it’s a necessary part, and that some relationships are better off over than forcing yourself to stay. That the right person for you will fight just as hard to make a relationship work as you will – and sometimes harder. That they’ve got your back in good times and in bad, not just when it suits their needs. And if I can’t have what I believe is important in a relationship and the other person isn’t willing to work side by side with me to make it a good thing for both of us, I don’t want or need them.

What’s the best sex advice you ever got?

Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever gotten actual sex advice – not until I started following other sex bloggers and writers and paying attention to their views. Even then, what might be considered “advice” was something I already agreed with. The best advice, if it can be called that, was actually a complaint from an ex-lover right after my divorce. He and I hooked up, and while the sex was UH-MAZ-ING, I never orgasmed. This was before my first one at age 32 that I mentioned before. He wasn’t interested in helping me figure out why or what I needed to do to come. When he broke it off with me he said, “You never come, and it’s kind of a turn off.” I think, thanks to my overly competitive nature and my overwhelming desire to be considered a “good girl” and not always in a kinky way, I thought of that as a challenge. He and I never got back together, although I thought I wanted us to. But I did take on the task of figuring out how to come and why I couldn’t – and without that, I probably wouldn’t be writing about sex and kink today. So he was an ass but he also gave me a push I didn’t know I needed.

What do you think is the most toxic myth that our society perpetuates about sex/relationships?

That there’s only right way to do any of it. M/F, gay or lesbian, D/s, poly you name a way to have sex or relationship, and each type will have “rules” about what makes it right. Some are societal across the board and some are specific to that type of interaction (like D/s). So we all think there’s one right way to fuck or be with someone and when that One True Way is no good for us, we think WE’RE the problem instead of the arbitrary rule. My world shifted the moment I realized that everything about sex and relationships exists on a spectrum so there is no one right way to do any of it.

What’s one question that you wish people would stop asking you?

“Are you really submissive?” It makes me laugh, and I can always tell they haven’t followed me for very long OR don’t know anything about BDSM and D/s. They hear/read my opinionated views and see me take charge in some way (like over my career) and it doesn’t fit their stereotype of what submission means so they question whether I really am or not. I don’t get offended by the question and I don’t let it bother me – I try to laugh it off more than anything – but I’d love if people stopped wondering, lol.

And just for fun, because it is “Coffee and Kink”: how do you take your coffee? (Since I know that, like me, it is your love language!)

As much as I gush over coffee, I’m the type who likes a little coffee with her cream, and I have to use alternative milks or non-dairy creamers to keep my tummy happy. My favorite (my “American” is going to show here) is iced coffee with caramel flavor and extra cream or almond milk. But hot coffee with extra vanilla creamer and a dash of cinnamon is a good way to wake up, too. My go-to Starbucks order is a Venti Caramel Iced Coffee with Extra Almond Milk and my go-to Dunkin Donuts (do y’all have that?) order is a Medium Iced Dark Roast with Mocha Swirl and Almond Milk.

Thank you so much to Kayla for sharing her time and insights with us all (and for being so kind to me when I fangirled all over her at Eroticon earlier this year.) Check out her work! More interviews coming soon…

The image featured in this post is the logo for Loving BDSM podcast and belongs to Kayla Lords. It was reproduced here with her kind permission.