[Toy Review] Lovehoney Hummer Penis Masturbator Wand Attachment

There are things that are a given when it comes to “being in a relationship with Amy”. You must have coffee in the house. I will make puns at you. And now, it seems, I will ask you to put strange things on your genitals so that I can overshare about it on the internet.

Thankfully, my stunt cock Mr CK is a good sport, so he agreed to try out the Hummer wand attachment so I could bring this review to you all.

The Hummer clear male masturbator wand attachment sitting on my laptop.

A note about terms: this toy is listed as “male masturbator attachment”. However, I have chosen to use the language of “penis masturbator,” because not everyone with a penis is a man and not all men have penises! I would like to invite all sex writers and sex-positive retailers to consider their language in this area and not ascribe genders to body parts unnecessarily.

With That Out of the Way, Let’s Take a Closer Look at the Hummer…

The Hummer penis masturbator wand attachment on the Lovehoney Classic Wand on a white sheet.The Hummer is a wand attachment for people with penises. It’s essentially a tube, lined with ridges and little nodules. You put it over the head of your wand and insert your penis into the tube, which then transmits vibrations all along your shaft.

It will fit the majority of wand vibrators. We used it with my Lovehoney Classic Wand and it was perfect, but it will also fit the Magic Wand Original, Doxy Original or Die Cast, and most standard-sized wands. The circumference is 7 inches, and it’s very stretchy.

Materials, Care and Cleaning

This attachment is made of TPE (thermoplastic elastomer). TPE is technically considered non-toxic in that it doesn’t contain harmful plasticisers like phthalates, but it is porous. This means it will harbour mold and bacteria, can only be cleaned at surface level, and cannot ever be fully sterilised. The material is also unstable and WILL break down over time.

Unfortunately, the vast majority of penis masturbators are made of TPE. At time of writing, I have only been able to find one wand attachment for penises made of silicone. (Know others? Let us know in the comments!)

I’m less against TPE for penis toys than I am for insertable toys, simply because the outer skin of the penis is much less likely to pick up an infection than a mucous membrane such as the inside of the vagina or anus. However, I still advise approaching TPE products with caution and always choosing silicone instead where options exist.

If you get a TPE wand topper or masturbator like this one, you should clean it with gentle soap and warm water (do not boil) and allow it to dry thoroughly, and check it for mold/black spots/damage to the material before every use. With infrequent use, it might last a year. If you’re using it more often, though, I recommend replacing every 3-6 months. You can probably extend its life slightly by using a condom, but ultimately this is a product that simply won’t last. TPE sex toys should DEFINITELY not be shared.

Our Experience

In terms of experience, this one was an absolute hit with Mr CK. We used it after having penetrative sex for a while, so he was already quite turned on.

Mr CK is on the larger-than-average side, as cocks go, and I did initially look at the size of the tube on the Hummer and go “LOL NO that’s not gonna fit”. However, the Hummer is super stretchy and so, with a very generous helping of lube, he slid into it comfortably. The material is quite grabby, so regardless of penis size I recommend with this attachment. Water-based in best for TPE toys.

I switched on the wand and I was immediately impressed with the strength of his reaction. People often forget that vibrators are not just for vulvas! Lots of penis owners seriously get off with vibrations, and a tube-style wand attachment like this one is a great way to distribute vibrations evenly along and around the shaft of the penis.

Suffice to say he came very hard and very fast. In terms of user experience at least, we declared this one a winner.

“Surprisingly effective!” – Mr CK

“Felt like a wrap-around Doxy!” – Mr CK

So Do We Recommend It?

Mixed.

I’m really loathe to wholeheartedly endorse a TPE toy. I really, really want someone to create a version of this made of silicone. That said, we really enjoyed using it and it gave my partner an amazing orgasm.

If you’re willing to replace it every few months, have at it. If you want something that’ll last you forever, this unfortunately isn’t it.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the Hummer and a collection of other wand attachments for review. Check out the wand attachments tag for all reviews in this series. If you buy using my affiliate links in this post, I make a small commission. All views are, and will always be, my own. Pictures are by me and not for use without express permission.

Masturbation Monday: “Dining Alone”

Today’s Masturbation Monday comes from a prompt by Mr CK – “write about going to a restaurant and getting it on with the hot waitress.” Well okay then!

A woman sitting alone reading at a restaurant table. For a Masturbation Monday piece called "Dining Alone". I noticed her the moment I walked in. Long waves of red hair, barely contained by the sensible ponytail, curves filling the modest-yet-sexy knee length black dress, a smattering of freckles from the summer sun across the bridge of her nose, grey-green eyes. So my type it hurts.

So straight it hurts, I tell myself as she asks me where I’d like to sit and shows me to a quiet booth at the back of the restaurant. The girls you like always are. I’ve been on this business trip ten days and I’m sick of everything this boring little town has to offer – which isn’t much. She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve seen since I stepped off the plane.

I order my glass of wine, my starter, my main course, and each time she comes to take an order or bring me something I try not to stare. The shape of her breasts in that dress – not to mention the fact that I haven’t had sex or even masturbated in weeks – has my cunt dripping into my knickers. I reach into my bag for my book, the book I’ve been secretly reading at night in my hotel room. Do I actually dare read it here, in public?

Fuck it, I think. No-one here is paying attention, and even if they do, they don’t know me.

Of course, the filth on the page just has me even wetter, reading about women doing filthy things to each other and imagining the beautiful waitress in those scenarios with me.

“What are you reading?” she asks, coming over to clear my starter plate away. I jump and look up guiltily, slamming the book shut and shoving it onto my lap under the table. To my disbelief, she reaches down and grabs it to take a look.

Best Lesbian Erotica,” she reads out loud, an eyebrow raised. Her gaze moves from the book cover to my now scarlet face. “Really now?”

“Research…” I stammer.

“Sure, babe.” She hands the book back to me. “More wine?”

“What? Oh. Uh. Yes. Please.”

She takes my glass and saunters away without another word. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear she was swinging her hips and ass deliberately to taunt me. Not knowing what else to do, I return to my book. When she brings my wine and, a few minutes later, my main course, I dare to flash what I hope is a flirtatious smile at her.

Judge me for reading porn in public, I dare you!

“Is everything okay?” she asks, appearing by my table again as I’m half way through my spaghetti alla carbonara. I nod, my mouth full. She pulls a pen out of her breast pocket, grabs the spare napkin from the unused place setting opposite me, scrawls a quick note and shoves it towards me. This all seems to happen in a single fluid movement, and she’s walking away again.

Shift finishes in twenty. When you see me go through the door in the far left corner, follow me – code is 1013. Don’t let my colleague see you. We won’t be disturbed. 

I nearly choke on my mouthful of spaghetti. Even as I’m telling myself that this is insane, I know that I will go. After all, when a beautiful woman summons you with such calm authority, what else can you do?

I keep my eyes on my food and occasionally glance at my watch as the ten minutes ticks down. At precisely one minute past ten, I watch out of the corner of my eye as she waves goodnight to her colleague and saunters to the back of the restaurant and out of sight.

Am I really going to do this? Do I dare? In a second, I decide. I throw down enough cash to cover my meal and a generous tip – a very generous tip – and head in the same direction, one eye on the other waitress, now the only person working. As she’s ringing up another customer, I seize my moment, punch in the code, and shut the “staff only” door behind me. I just have time to take note of that fact that we’re in a large and deserted commercial kitchen, all silver and chrome, when…

“I knew you’d come.”

She’s sitting on one of the shiny counter-tops, stockinged feet now free of her high-heeled shoes, sipping from a glass of what looks like whisky on the rocks.

“I don’t really know…”

I was going to say I don’t really know why I did, but she cuts me off. “Shush. You’ve been eye-fucking me since the moment you walked in. Lucky for you, I think you’re kinda cute too.” She hops down and comes towards me. She’s shorter than me without her tall shoes, but the confidence and power she exudes leaves me in no doubt who’s in charge.

My mind starts to race. Is she toying with me? Is this some kind of joke? What if someone walks in at any second? Then she presses her perfect, red, whisky-flavoured lips to mine, and I stop thinking about anything at all.

She pushes me back against the closed door, fingers twisting their way into my hair as we kiss. I think I moan, but the sound is swallowed by the kiss. I cannot remember the last time my cunt was so wet from nothing more than kissing and feeling someone’s body pressed up against mine.

She nudges my legs apart with her hand, then brings her leg between mine, thigh pressing against my cunt. Even through my tights and knickers, I’m sure she can feel the heat and wetness. Shameless, now, I grind against her, desperate for more stimulation. God, how long has it been? Can a few short weeks of no sex really make me into such a wanton slut?

I gasp when the leg is moved and replaced by her hand, the ends of long, elegant fingers dancing ever-so-softly against my cunt through the two thin layers of clothing. She’s teasing me, because she can see how much I want it.

“Please…” I whimper against her mouth.

“Is this what you want?” she asks, slipping her hand under the waistband of my tights and into my knickers, making contact with my desperate cunt at last. My gasp of pleasure is the answer she needs. When her fingers make contact with my clit and begin to circle it, I cannot help my moaning.

“You have to be quiet,” she says. “Can’t have you getting me caught and in trouble. If you make too much noise I’ll have to stop.” Her calm dominance and her talented fingers have me weak at the knees, gladly wanting to do anything she says, anything to please her. Another rush of wetness coats my already soaked panties.

I’ve always been loud in bed. It’s just the way I am. Back in my university days, my housemates hated it when I brought this girl or that boy home for a night of passion (which was often) because it meant none of them were getting any rest that night. But I believe this beautiful woman when she tells me that she will stop fingering me if I make too much noise, and all I want in the world right now is for her fingers to keep going, keep pushing me towards bliss.

Her rubbing has changed. Faster now, and harder, my own juices providing all the lubrication we need. I bury my face in her shoulder, in her hair, to hold back my sounds. My clit feels harder than I can ever remember it being, and I’m thrusting my hips, humping her hand with my cunt. I’m so close! For some reason it comes to me to ask her permission.

“Please can I come?” I whisper frantically.

“Just from this little bit of attention? God, you really were gagging for it, weren’t you?”

The flush of embarrassment nearly pushes me over the edge. “Oh, god, please…”

“You can come if you can do it quietly.”

My mouth opens into a scream but no sound comes out. Somehow, holding the sound in makes my orgasm even more intense and I come, harder than I have ever come before, in this stranger’s hand.

As I grab at the wall to steady myself, she places a small kiss upon my lips and then withdraws her hand from my knickers and shoves her sticky fingers into my mouth.

“Clean your mess up,” she orders. I suck the fingers clean, the musky smell and taste of my own cunt making me realise how much I want to taste hers.

“Can I…?” I ask, already crouching before her and starting to push her dress up.

“No. My colleague will be in here any minute and you need to be gone by then.” I swallow my disappointment as my hopes of getting to bury my face between her perfect legs are dashed. Then, perhaps inspired by her, I have a flash of daring.

“Quick. Give me your phone.” She does. I punch in the name of my hotel and my room number. “I’m here two more nights. Come and find me and I’ll return the favour.”

It’s not until she’s kissed me once more and then shoved me out of the back door and into the night that I realise I never caught her name.

Masturbation Monday is created and owned by Kayla Lords. Click the link to see what’s getting everyone off this week.

If you enjoyed this story, you can get bonus erotic fiction with #BonusSmutTuesday, every single week by signing up to my Patreon page at any level.

Image sourced through Pixabay.

[Toy Review] Temptasia Bling Bling Silicone Butt Plug with Clear Crystal

I have a complicated relationship with anal sex. For years, it was the hardest of the hard limits – partly thanks to undue pressure put on me to engage in it when I had barely begin exploring my own sexuality. However, I gradually opened up to exploring it with my now-Primary-partner Mr CK. Now I love it. I’m not able to do it often, but when we do I always really enjoy it.

My collection of anal toys is steadily growing (largely thanks to my sweetheart buying them for me as presents when we started exploring anal play together). But it’s much smaller than my collections of dildos and vibrators. So I was delighted when Peepshow Toys offered me the Temptasia Bling Bling silicone butt plug with a crystal to try out.

The Nitty-Gritty

The Temptasia Bling Bling butt plug on a bathroom sink.The Temptasia Bling Bling plug is manufactured by Blush Novelties, who produce a huge range of toys (they’re behind the Gaia, Real Nude and Aria toy lines, among many others).

The plug is made from silky-smooth silicone, which feels wonderful in the hand and the butt as well as being completely body-safe. The base is heart-shaped and embedded with a clear, sparkly faux-gemstone (the gem is made of plastic).

This plug is available in 3 sizes, so whatever your ass is up for, there’s a sparkly plug for you. I chose the medium, which is 2.8″ in insertable length and 1.4″ diameter at widest point. The small is 2.6″ x 1″, and the large is 3.2″ x 1.75″. None of them are huge. If you crave really big things up your butt, they might not be for you.

Each of the plugs has a tapered tip for easy insertion and a slim neck for comfort, as well as a large enough base to make them anal-safe. (You wouldn’t believe the amount of toys I see marketed as “for anal play” that don’t have a decent base/handle. The golden rule is, if there’s nothing to stop it disappearing all the way inside, don’t put it in your butt).

The Temptasia Bling Bling plug retails for $11 (S), $13 (M) or $15 (L) at Peepshow (this equates to about £8/£9.50/£11). Honestly, they could cost twice as much and I’d still say they were good value. Peepshow’s selection is living proof that good quality, body-safe toys do not need to cost an arm and a leg. I wish all the companies selling unsafe products “because people want cheap things” would catch up.

In Use

We used this plug after quite a long break from any kind of anal play, so I was a bit nervous. (“Shit, should have asked for the small!”) I said on taking it out of the packaging. But with some deep breathing and a generous helping of my favourite anal lube, it slipped inside comfortably.

Once it was in, I found the size perfect. It was large enough that I could feel it every time I moved, but small enough so as not to cause any unnecessary stretching or pain.

I’m happy to say that this is one of the most comfortable plugs I’ve ever worn. The silicone is lovely and soft and there are no seams, ridges or imperfections to cause discomfort. The neck is long enough that it sat comfortably, and the base didn’t chafe or rub against my butt cheeks. I wore it for about an hour while we did other things (see this review for details of that session!) and I could happily have worn it for much longer.

It was just so comfortable, you guys.

I also love how pretty these plugs look in use. The heart shaped gem is super cute and just appeals massively to my #Sparklefemme aesthetic. I’m sure they will be a hit with femmes, babygirls and lovers of shiny things everywhere!

Some Notes on Care & Cleaning

Normally, I recommend that you clean silicone toys without motors – especially anal toys – by boiling them in a pan of water for a few minutes. Unfortunately, you cannot do that with toys like this. The boiling water will ruin the glue that holds the gem in place and cause it to pop out.

The best thing to do is this: Give it a rinse to get any obvious butt-gunk and lube off. Then soak it in a 10% bleach solution (9 parts water to one part bleach) for a few minutes. After that, give it a really thorough wash in warm water and gentle soap, dry thoroughly, and store.

The joining line where the gem is glued into the base could definitely be a home for bacteria to hide. For that reason I recommend fully sterilising this plug between uses even if you’re not sharing it with a non fluid-bonded partner, and taking extra care around that area.

So do I recommend it?

Yes. I particularly recommend this plug for those new to anal play. It’s a safe, quality product at such an affordable price. You could even buy all three and use them as a beginner training kit, if you’re interested in conditioning your ass to take bigger insertables. A great product at an absolute steal of a price.

Thanks to Peepshow Toys for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. All views are, as ever, my own. If you buy this product or anything from Peepshow Toys, please purchase through the affiliate links contained within this post. And don’t forget you can get 10% off by using code “coffee” at checkout! This sends a small commission my way. This helps me to keep bringing adult product reviews to you all. Photos are by me and not to be used without permission.

[Toy Review] Chrystalino Blue Glass Double-Ended Dildo

Chrystalino are a new brand to me. But when my new friends at Peepshow Toys included them in a list of review products for me to choose from, I just couldn’t resist the gorgeous blue glass! I went for the double-ended dildo as I did not previously have any double-ended toys in my collection.

The Chrystalino blue glass double ended dildo lying on top of its box on a brown chair seat.
This toy also comes in an attractive box.

A Touch of Glass…

I love glass toys. One of the first dildos I ever bought was my Icicles No. 5, which I used all the time until it sadly met its end on a tiled floor during a photoshoot.

Glass is hard and unyielding. It’s so smooth and so firm. You can warm it up or cool it down.

Specs ‘n’ Stats

My hand holding the Chrystalino double-ended blue glass dildo against a while background.
Hand model: me

The Chrystalino Double-Ended Dildo is a curved toy, 7″ in total length, making an insertable length (whichever way around you use it) of a little over 5″. The diameter is 1.3″ at the widest point. One end has a single large, bulbous head, and the other end has two smaller tapering bumps.

The material is handblown Borosilicate glass (which used to be what the common brand-name Pyrex represented, though apparently isn’t any more!) Borosilicate glass is non-toxic, non-porous and shatterproof, which makes this toy completely body-safe.

This double-ended dildo retails at Peepshow Toys for $35.99 (about £26.50), which is an absurdly good price for the quality. Peepshow currently carry six products from the Chrystalino range and they’re all between thirty and forty dollars. “Affordable AF!” as Phallophile Reviews notes.

Also Pretty AF

Apparently Chrystalino designs are “inspired by the Venetian glassmakers of Murano, with the beautiful art of lovemaking in mind“.  They’re all made of the same signature blue glass, which just screams luxury. They’re truly beautiful pieces of glass art as well as feeling wonderful. I would display this thing in my house!

So how did it feel?

The Chrystalino blue glass double-ended dildo on my kitchen counter with a "Coffee is My Love Language" mug.
Also pictured: “Coffee is My Love Language” mug by Kayla Lords. (https://www.redbubble.com/people/LovingBDSM/shop)

Mr CK and I tested this dildo together during a play session. I had my butt plugged (stay tuned for that review coming later!) and was lying on my front, and he slid the slimmer end of the dildo into me with the curve pointing toward the front of my body to press against my G-spot.

I cannot take a lot of hard thrusting with very solid toys. My vaginal opening gets sore and my cervix starts to complain. So what we’ve discovered works well with glass toys is this: slide it in, and then just wiggle it very slightly or tap on it lightly with a couple of fingers. This provides the necessary G-spot stimulation without making me sore. It’s less “pounding” and more “pressure”, and it feels incredible. I came five times in as many minutes just from this, until I had to safeword out and take a bit of a break.

After I’d recovered, I flipped over onto my back and we tried the thicker end of the toy. I’m pretty sure the noises I made when that bulbous head pressed against my G-spot scared the neighbours! With my sweetheart gently wiggling the dildo and me holding a wand to my clit, we brought me to another explosive orgasm.

This wand feels divine. The curve is perfect, the opportunity to work up from the smaller to larger ends is perfect, the shape of the heads is perfect.

Some more ideas for ways to use your Chrystalino glass toy

We didn’t use it anally, but this wand is designed to be safe for vaginal or anal use, so you definitely could.

Insert it and press a wand vibrator against the free end. The vibrations will travel all along the toy and feel wonderful.

Share it with a partner! I’m dying to use this toy with another vulva owner, one end inside each of us.

Heat it up or cool it down. The safest way to do this is run it under warm (not hot!) or cool water for a minute prior to play.

Some Notes on Cleaning

In most cases, as it’s non-porous, cleaning your Chrystalino dildo with a body-safe sterile wipe and some hot water and gentle soap will be more than sufficient.  However, Borosilicate glass is resistant to severe temperature changes (which is why it’s so often used in high-quality cookware!) – which means you can safely use boiling water to sterilise it if you want to.

Beware, though: not all glass sex toys are created equal, and some are made of soda-lime glass, which is still basically body-safe but cannot withstand boiling water or extreme temperature changes. This piece by Dangerous Lilly has more information.

Glass is condom-compatible, if you’re sharing it with a partner and concerned about potential STD transmission.

So do I recommend it?

Wholeheartedly. I adore it. Apart from possibly wishing it came with a storage bag (I’m always a bit scared of glass toys getting chipped in storage) I have absolutely no complaints.

This dildo and others in the Chrystalino range can be purchased from Peepshow Toys. If you use my affiliate links, I will make a small commission which helps me keep bringing honest adult product reviews to you. And don’t forget you can get 10% off by using code “coffee” at checkout!

Images are by me and not to be used without express permission. Thank you to Peepshow for providing me with this product in exchange for an honest review.

[Toy Review] Pocket Pulse Remote by Hot Octopuss

The Pocket Pulse has been looking at us guilt-inducingly from the nightstand for the last week or so. Amidst our sexy times, there just never seemed like a good time to try it. So I was delighted when Mr CK let me know that he’d tried it during a wank session while I was at work, enabling me to finally write this review.

A banner ad for sex toy company Hot Octopuss, who sponsored a post on sex and mental healthThis is my first stab at reviewing a toy designed for people with penises, so please bear with me. This review is the result of a lot of talking with my partner about his experience as well as my own observations from the time we tested the toy together.

One thing I love about Hot Octopuss is their dedication to smashing sexual stigma. They do this with their #SexNotStigma campaign. They do it when they use their blog to talk about sex and mental health (which I’ve written for them about on three separate occasions). And they do it by creating genuinely new and revolutionary toys for people with penises, at a time when the notion of penis-owners – and particularly cis men – using toys is still often regarded with suspicion.

But how did the Pocket Pulse shape up?

Let’s take a closer look…

First, I want to give a major shout-out to HO’s marketing and packaging. Their toys always come in these gorgeous, black-and-gold boxes and they use such a brilliant range of gorgeous people of all different genders, ages, abilities, races and body-types. It’s just sexy and swanky as hell and I adore the whole aesthetic of this brand.

The Pocket Pulse is a smaller, more compact (3.5 x 2.5 inch) answer to the hugely popular but quite bulky Pulse III. It doesn’t only differ in side, though. Where the original Pulse III uses oscillating motion with HO’s patented PulsePlate technology, the Pocket Pulse houses more straightforward vibrating motors. It is essentially a vibrating stroker which fits around the penis via a somewhat-flexible ring. Like so:

The Pocket Pulse remote, a grey and black stroker toy for penis owners, with its remote.It can be operated either by the + and – buttons on the main body of the toy, or through the remote control. This remote makes it easier to change settings mid-wank with your free hand without interrupting your flow, and it also adds possibilities for interesting D/s and power exchange games! Try putting it on and then giving your partner control of the remote…

Given the flexibility of the band, the Pocket Pulse will fit a wide range of penis sizes. You can even use it from flaccid, which is really cool! Mr CK is on the larger side and said he found it fairly comfortable and not pinchy or overly tight, though he did acknowledge that on the next go he’d use lube with it. Anyone who reads me regularly will know that I always advocate lube! (Water-based, glycerin-and-paraben-free, please). Anyone with a much thicker than average penis might want to approach with caution, though – girth being much more relevant than length with this toy.

Safety, Care and Cleaning…

The Pocket Pulse is made of silicone and ABS plastic, making it completely body-safe (another point in favour of Hot Octopuss is that I feel 100% confident in recommending all of their products as safe).

It’s also waterproof, which not only means you can use it in the bath or shower, but also makes it a breeze to clean. I recommend a sterile wipe for a quick clean and warm water with a very gentle soap for a more thorough wash. Mr CK did point out that the raised buttons could present an issue in terms of harboring bacteria, so do take extra care cleaning those areas.

So how did he find it?

I was disappointed here, because I wanted so much to rave about this product and tell you it revolutionised my partner’s masturbation. Unfortunately, though, his overall impression was “underwhelming”.

Some direct quotes:

“It felt nice, but I don’t think it made my wank or my orgasm any better than just using my hand would have been with just my hand”.

“Not turned off by it, but no particular desire to use it again”.

“I didn’t really feel anything until it was on the top setting”. (So, uh, my partner might be as much of a power-queen as I am…)

Essentially, his impression was that he found it (at worst) much more of a hindrance than a help when it came to getting off, and (at best) okay-but-meh. And, it’s worth noting, this is a man who definitely enjoys vibrations on his penis! A wand on his cock can get him off more quickly than anything else at times.

I don’t want anyone to read this as us saying the Pocket Pulse is a bad toy. It’s not! It’s high quality and genuinely innovative. But all toys will not work for all bodies, and this toy didn’t work for this body in this circumstance. Which is unfortunate, as we both really wanted to love it, but it’s just the way it goes sometimes.

“I can see it’s a well-made product that will probably work for loads of people. But my body didn’t care for it”. – Mr CK

In conclusion

Even though this one didn’t rock our world, I’m still happy to recommend Hot Octopuss products in general.

I’d suggest giving the Pocket Pulse a go if you enjoy vibration sensations on your penis but find a wand too intense, or if you’re looking for a toy you can use from flaccid.

The Pocket Pulse Remote retails for £75 from Hot Octopuss directly. If you use my affiliate links to buy anything from them, I will make a small commission. You can also buy the non-remote version from Lovehoney, and US/Canada readers can buy either version from Peepshow Toys or Shevibe.

Image property of Hot Octopuss and used with permission.

Massive Age Gap Relationships: FAQ

For those of you who don’t know, I am in a relationship with a massive age gap. There is more than 20 (though less than 25) years between me and Mr CK. When we started our relationship, I was in my early 20s and he was in his late 40s.

Yet it works.

A pair of hands making a heart shape against a sunset. For a post about age gap relationships.
Inevitably, we get a lot of questions about our dynamic and how it works. So here, I am going to candidly answer as many of them as I can think of.

Notes:
1.
Everything here assumes minimum legal age of consent is met in all cases.
2. This is written from the perspective of a much older man dating a much younger woman, as that’s my experience, but most of this works for most genders.
3. TW for brief mention of DDlg kink (no details) and discussion of hypothetical death of a partner.

Okay, let’s dive in!

“Isn’t it really creepy for a much older man to be dating a much younger woman?”

My answer to this, surprisingly, isn’t “no”. My answer is “it depends”.

I don’t judge any couple based solely on the age gap between them. It’s if a much older guy exclusively or mostly dates extremely young women that my side-eye starts to creep in.

If I’m dating a guy 20+ years my senior, I don’t need to be the only exception but I really don’t want to be the rule. I want his dating history to be varied and filled with women of many different ages. If everyone he’s dated has been under 25, it tells me two things:

1. There’s probably some weird youth/inexperience fetishising going on.
2. He will probably be looking elsewhere before I’ve hit 30.

If he’s much older than me, I want to know that he sees me as a person, not an age. That he’d have dated me if I was 25 or 35 or 55, because he loves who I am. I’ve been with men with a “barely legal” thing, and I’ve been with men with virgin fetishes who want their women as young and inexperienced (they assume, but lol have you met me?) as possible, and I’ve been with men who saw me as a trophy to brag to their friends about (“yes, she’s only 19! Do I get Man Points for getting the teenager into bed!?”)

What do your family think?

They adore him, because he loves and respects me, treats me well and makes me happy. Thanks for asking.

If you’re thinking of entering this kind of relationship, this is something to consider. One or both families may well not approve. The older party’s family may view the younger partner as a “gold digger,” especially if there’s a significant wealth disparity involved. The younger party’s family might view the older partner as a creep or a pervert. (Mr CK says: “I mean, I am a pervert!”) Or they might just see that you’re happy and in love and that’s enough for them. You know your family best, and ultimately you know how much their opinion matters to you. Make your decisions accordingly.

What about kids?

We don’t have any and we don’t want any.

I appreciate this might be a concern for other people in or considering entering into a Massive Age Gap (hereafter M.A.G) relationship. Only you can make that decision for yourself. I decided long ago that I don’t want children and my goal was to find a partner who felt the same, which I have done. Their age is irrelevant – what matters is that we want the same things out of our life together.

That said, I have seen M.A.G relationships break up – breaking everyone’s hearts in the process – because the younger party wanted children and the older party felt they were too old/had already been there and done that/was no longer biologically able to have children. Anyone can change their minds, and you might think you don’t want kids now but then change your mind in 5 years and have a very difficult decision to make, but that can happen in any relationship. And you may well end up really happy with your decision several years down the line, which has been my experience.

Do you like older men because you have daddy issues?

Nope! I have a really loving, supportive relationship with my father. No issues there at all. I’ve never actually met a woman who likes older men whose preference was caused by “daddy issues”. What does that even mean!?

Is it a money thing?

No, he’s my life partner, not my sugar daddy. (Not that there’s anything wrong with sugar relationships between consenting parties, of course!)

I have my own money and no interest in getting my hands on his.

Is it a kink thing?

About 2% yes and 98% no.

It’s certainly not a DDlg thing, that’s a pretty hard limit for me. As a submissive, I gravitate towards partners who give off the kind of Dominant energy that I like. I do tend to more often find this in older men, it has to be said. But it’s less specifically an age thing and more a confidence and experience thing, I think.

Mostly, though, no. Speaking of which…

So why an older guy then?

Older guys, broadly speaking, have their shit together in a way I find much easier to be in a relationship with. They’ve made all the early relationship mistakes and so are less likely to bring them in to their connection with me. They know what they want, what their likes and dislikes and boundaries are, and they know how to communicate.

This is all a sweeping generalisation, of course – I’ve fucked more than my share of “18 year old boy in a 40+ man’s body”. But the qualities I like tend to manifest more in guys with a good 10 years or more on me.

Plus, not gonna lie, I just find a lot of older men fucking sexy.

Don’t you worry that he’ll die years before you and leave you alone?

Of course I do. I worry about that… not every day, but frequently.

The thing is, you never know what the future holds. He could be the exact same age as me, and get incurable cancer or get hit by a bus tomorrow. I, as the younger partner, could have those things happen to me any time too! But no-one ever says “don’t you worry your partner will die and leave you on your own?” to partners close in age.

We never know what’s ahead, but we cannot let the fear of what might happen one day stop us from accepting the love and joy that is offered to us now. If I do lose him someday, I will be broken-hearted and devastated. But I will also be thankful for every happy day we did share. Same as anyone who loses a partner they love.

I’mma insert a gratuitous Rent quote here, because I can and it seems pertinent:

“There’s only now, there’s only here. Give in to love, or live in fear”.

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[Toy Review] Mantric Rechargeable Wand Vibrator

I love wands. They’re pretty much my favourite kind of toy. So of course, I jumped at the chance to test out the rechargeable wand from the new Mantric range. It looks a little something like this:

The Mantric magic wand, a black silicone wand style vibrator with an LED panel on the handle.

The Basics

The Mantric wand is on the smaller end for a wand, at only 9.5″ long and with a head circumference of 5.4″. It has 7 modes or patterns of vibration, and each one can work on any of five speed settings. The handle is slightly curved and it has a classic wand head. It is made of black silicone and features an LED light panel on one side of the handle which changes colour depending on which setting you’re on.

The box for the Mantric Wand vibrator - a simple cardboard box with a mandala logo and the word "Mantric" on the front.It is USB rechargeable, fully waterproof, has a travel-lock (because no-one wants their vibe turning on as you go through airport security!) and comes packaged in an minimalistic brown cardboard box – pictured left – with the Mantric branding on the front. (The mantric logo is a classy-looking mandala, then when you look closer you see it’s made of cocks and vulvas. Frankly, I am here for this).

My Experience

I tried this toy for the first time with Mr CK. He was Topping me, and using the toy on my clit while holding my vaginal opening shut with his fingers (because I am into chastity/denial play and this is my jam).

I’ve mentioned before that even though my Doxy is pretty much my favourite thing ever, it doesn’t actually lend itself super well to being used on me by a partner – it’s so intense that it quickly becomes painful if it’s even slightly in the wrong spot, and the head is so big that my partner struggles to see exactly where it’s sitting against my body. A toy with significant enough power to get me off but without the sheer intensity of the big wands is the sweet spot for me… and in that respect at least, this toy delivered.

Unusually, some of the patterns were quite enjoyable! It was still the always-magic constant vibration/high speed combo that tipped me over the edge, but the gentle wave setting and the quick, sharp bursts setting were surprisingly pleasant.

Overall, imperfect but enjoyable and did the job. Read on for the details…

My Ratings (all scores out of 5★)

Price: ★★★★
The Mantric wand retails for £59.99, which puts it squarely into the realm of a mid-range toy. It’s a reasonable price for the quality.

Materials: ★★★★★
It’s almost entirely silicone (apart from the light panel and a slim band where the body joins the head). This makes it non-porous, body-safe and a delight to handle and use.

Appearance: ★★★★
Mr CK and I differed on this one! I like the sleek design and the fact that it’s black – which is refreshingly free of gendered connotations/assumptions. Plus, I think the LED light panel is a really fun, swanky touch. He’s more a functional type than me and thinks the LED panel is gimicky and pointless. The Mantric range toys are all either black or a dark pinkish-purple colour.

Ease of Use: ★★
Plus points: it’s very light, and the ergonomic handle and intelligent button placement makes it easy and intuitive to hold and manipulate during use.

Unfortunately, I do have a few gripes about the user-friendliness: Getting it to turn on is not intuitive. You have to press the middle of the three buttons, which puts it into “standby” mode, then press it again, then pick the setting you want. I’ll be keeping the instructions for this one because, if I don’t use it for a bit, I can see myself forgetting how to switch it on. The second annoyance is that you can only change the setting one way – so if you skip past the one you want, you have to cycle alllll the way back through again.  You can change the speeds up or down, which is a plus, but in terms of changing the pattern it’s up up up only.

Ease of care & cleaning: ★★★★
The Mantric wand is completely waterproof, meaning you can submerge it into warm water for a thorough cleaning. You can also give it a quick clean between uses with a sterile medical wipe – remember to pick body-safe wipes!

There is a seam where the plastic band meets the head and handle,which could trap germs. Take extra care on this area when cleaning. This toy doesn’t come with a storage bag, which I would have liked. Individual storage bags help keep toys clean and dust-free between uses.

Versatility: ★★★★
The Mantric wand has 5 speeds and 7 settings, meaning it’s pretty versatile whatever type of vibration you like. It is pretty much a clitoral toy – you could insert the handle end, as it’s silicone, but I’d be worried about getting fluids and germs in the seam where the light panel joins the main body.  This wand is waterproof, so you could take it into the bath or shower if that’s your jam.

Intensity:
★★★★
More than adequate for the price-point and size! The vibrations are pretty rumbly at the lower levels, and a little buzzier at the higher ones. I’d recommend this vibe to someone who likes a good level of vibration intensity, but sometimes or always wants something less extreme than my favourite power-tool.

Overall Score: Image result for three and a half stars
A basically solid toy with some flaws. I enjoyed using it and will be using it again, though I don’t think it will go into the “reach for it every session” pile. I’d love to see a second edition released. With the user-friendliness issues ironed out, this would move from being a good toy to a great toy.

Buying your Mantric wand, or any toys, from Lovehoney using my affiliate links helps to support me and keep the blog going. Thanks to Lovehoney, who sent me this toy free of charge in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are, and will always be, my own.

[Wearable Review] Moonlight Wine Crotchless Plunge Body by Lovehoney

I am not a lingerie person. Like, at all. I go braless basically all the time. My first choice of underwear is boxer shorts. I owned one basque from Ann Summers and passed it on to Mr CK after deciding that, in his very occasional bouts of cross dressing, he looks better in it than I do. This is how NOT a lingerie person I am. (#LazyFemme.)

Even so, when the lovely folks at Lovehoney offered me something from their new Moonlight range to try, I thought it might be fun to broaden my horizons and see what the appeal is. After much deliberation and some consulting with Mr CK, I went for the Crotchless Plunge Body in this gorgeous shade known as “wine.”

The Lovehoney Moonlight Crotchless Plunge Body, modelled by a pretty white woman with long dark hair and lipstick that matches the garment.

Despite the fact that I am most emphatically Not A Lingerie Person, I loved the look of the Moonlight range straight away when I saw some samples at the September affiliate event. The black and red-purple colour scheme and the luxurious fabrics spoke to me of a classiness that is mostly missing from the bits of cheap lace and fake leather I’ve had ill-fated relationships with in the past.

Even so, it was with some trepidation that I tried on this garment. I have a complex relationship with my body-image at the best of times and I am currently in a very frustrating plateau in the midst of a long weight-loss journey. I felt worried that it wouldn’t fit or that I’d just look ridiculous and about as sexy as a blob.

But I needn’t have worried. The moment I felt the satin and lace against my skin, I started to feel transported into a sexy space. Really good clothing can take me to a different place. In a well-tailored dress and heels, I’m ready to take on the business world. In the perfect floor-length gown, I can swoosh around a charity ball with people much richer than me and act like I belong there. And, it seems, in really good lingerie I go from zero to sex-kitten in moments. When I’ve got this piece on, I just want someone to stick their fingers through the convenient access hole in the crotch. I feel babely as all hell, and I love it.

A couple of extra things of note: this piece is hand-wash only. All the pieces in the Moonlight range come in equally-gorgeous Plus Sizes (up to approx. UK 24). Unlike many companies, Lovehoney do not charge more for Plus Size.

My Ratings (all scores out of 5★)

Price: ★★★★★
This piece retails at £34.99 and items in the Moonlight range go up to £39.99. Considering that you can easily pay as much for a half-decent bra, and that comparable basques and bodies at some high street stores can retail for upwards of twice as much, these prices are really reasonable for the quality.

Appearance: ★★★★★
I really can’t overestimate how gorgeous this body is. The shade (well-named, it really is close to the colour of red wine!) is stunning, the cut is really flattering, and the lace and ribbon accents are stylish and eyecatching without being “too much.” The satiny ribbon around the middle is a really nice touch that completes the look for me – I love how it accentuates my waist, which is one of my best features.

Materials: ★★★★★
It’s a mix of satin and lace, which look beautiful together and feel gorgeous against the skin. I particularly love how soft the lace is. I tend to shy away from lace because it can be so scratchy, and my skin is very sensitive to textures, but this doesn’t scratch at all. There’s definitely no corner-cutting by using cheap materials here. The fabrics carry off the luxurious first impression.

Fit: ★★★★
The Moonlight pieces run true to size, in so far as women’s clothing has consistency of sizing. I normally wear a size 12 and I ordered the medium, which is labelled as a 10-12 and fits me snugly but well. The only thing I will point out is that the cups run a bit small if you’re big-busted. I have DD boobs and the medium is a little small on them – at a guess I would say it’s maybe a C-cup. Just something to be aware of for those of us with an above-average bust for your size. The band size fit me well at a 36.

Overall Score: ★★★★★
I really wasn’t expecting to be as impressed with this piece as I am, given the price and my general ambivalence towards sexy lingerie as a thing. After this, though? I might be something of a convert.

I can’t wait to wear it for Mr in the bedroom!

Don’t forget: this piece featured in my 2017 holiday gift guide because I loved it so much. Go to my exclusive gift guide page and buy through there and you’ll get 15% off!

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this product to review! All views are my own. This post contains affiliate links. If you buy through one, I make a small commission which helps me to keep doing this work. 

The image in this post belongs to Lovehoney, and I have used it with their permission.

[(Not a) Toy Review] Here’s What Happened When We Tried a Terrible Cock Ring

From whence it came I do not recall. It must have found its way into my freebie bag at one sexy event or another. But somehow, this monstrosity came into my possession:

The Skins Vibe Ring, a clear jelly rubber cock ring with a small bullet vibe, sitting on its box. For a review.Because Mr CK is a very indulgent partner, and supportive of my penchant for putting strange things on my genitals and then oversharing about it on the internet, we decide we’d test it. Just for fun.

Well, it was… something. I’m not sure fun is quite the word.

This ‘Vibe Ring’ vibrating cock ring by Skins (better known for making mediocre condoms) looks and feels like something you’d buy for £3 from a machine in a seedy nightclub. It’s made of some kind of jelly rubber (the packaging is mysteriously quiet about its actual material) and just from handling it for a couple of minutes I can see its porous as fuck. Sweat and oils from my hands have leached into the rubber, turning its clear appearance opaque, and the squishy texture and dodgy chemical smell coming off it are dead giveaways for phthalates.

As a cock ring, it’s worse than useless. A cock ring is designed to restrict blood flow away from the penis, creating a stronger and longer-lasting erection. A lot of penis-owners report that this can be very pleasurable and give them stronger orgasms. This thing, though?

“I literally can’t feel it!” Mr CK declared when it was around his cock. It’s too stretchy and flimsy to do anything. Still, we were determined to give it a fair hearing, so we turned the little vibrating bullet on and I  hopped on board and started fucking him. In the me-on-top position, I could at least feel the vibrations – if you can call them that – against my clit. But, unsurprisingly, they were too weak and too buzzy to give me anything that I could define as pleasure. Mr CK reported that he could just barely feel the vibrations through his shaft but they were nowhere near to being pleasurable for him either. (And this is a man who definitely enjoys vibrations!)

We changed positions, him standing and me on my back, legs spread, on the end of the bed. This was worse. With every thrust, the damn thing buzzed against me in its completely useless and mildly distracting way. It was low-level annoying in the way that a mobile phone vibrating in your pocket can be. Only, you know, less likely to give me an orgasm.

“Ooh, it made you come!” Mr commented as he felt my cunt muscles clenching around his cock.

“Nope. That was all your dick, babe.”

“Shall we take this thing off?”

“Yes, lets do that.”

We tossed it aside and finished our fuck, which was much more satisfying once the stupid ring was safely on the other side of our very large bed. Afterwards, we snuggled in the afterglow and laughed about how utterly terrible this ridiculous excuse for a sex toy was.

“It feels like it would fit around my head,” he said, stretching it experimentally.

“Try it!” I dared.

And that, my friends, is how a sex session finished with my partner and I taking turns to wear a cock ring like a head lamp. I hope you enjoyed that mental image. You’re welcome.

TL/DR: Do not buy this toy or any other cheap, rubbery “single use” cock ring. For a simple, high quality cockring, try the Beginner or the Super-Soft C-Rings from Tantus. If you’re after one that vibrates, try the Desire Rechargeable from Lovehoney (and don’t forget to use discount code COFFKINK10 at checkout!)

The image featured in this post was taken by me. Don’t steal my photos, please! Links above are affiliate links. Doing your sexy shopping with my affiliates helps support me to keep the blog going.

Can You Truly Consent Ahead of Time?

As you will have seen already if you’ve been reading this blog for long, I have Many Feels about consent. In short, consent is everything. In all areas of life, but in sex and relationships in particular.

Full disclosure the first: I pondered this one for a long time, nearly didn’t post it at all, then went “oh fuck it.”

Full disclosure the second: it’s relatively late on Friday night and I’m tired as fuck. This might not be my best work ever.

Psst – don’t forget to check out #KinkMonth and join the conversation!

A white pillow with the words "do not disturb" in black. For a post on sleep sex and pre consent

Today in 30 Days of D/s, Kayla and John are talking about sexual availability. They say:

In some D/s relationships (including ours), there is an agreement that the submissive will always be sexually available to their Dominant. While this can be a kinky, sexy aspect of a relationship, it always requires a great deal of trust from the submissive and responsibility from the Dominant. What do you think? Does it sound deliciously sexy? Or does it not sound appealing at all?

Pre-consent vs. sexual availability

Mr CK and I do not have this type of arrangement as such, because we’re not in a 24/7 D/s relationship. What we do have, however, is certain types of what we call “blanket consent” or “pre-consent”- which, in practice, I imagine works in much the same way as a relationship where the submissive has consented ahead of time to sexual activity when the Dominant wants it. That is, it’s okay for you to do this thing unless I explicitly withdraw consent in the moment.

One of the things we’ve put this in place for is instigating sex/play while the other is asleep. Either of us can do this, and we’ve pre-negotiated that it’s okay. I find it really hot to be woken up from sleep because he’s decided he wants to fuck me. (And I’m a LIGHT sleeper so there’s no chance of my not waking up once he starts making a move on me.)

The reasons this works and is safe for our relationship, I think, are threefold:

First and most important: trust

Pre-consent of any kind, especially for sexual activity when in a vulnerable situation like being asleep, is edgy shit. It requires a huge amount of trust. This is not something you do on a first date. I really don’t recommend playing around with this level of vulnerability with a partner until you have a seriously solid foundation of trust.

Again: this is edge-play. Treat it accordingly.

Secondly, we exercise common sense and don’t abuse the trust

Just because he technically could, under this agreement, wake me up for sex at 3am the night before an important early meeting… doesn’t mean that he would.

Part of having agreements around pre- or blanket- consent means not abusing the trust your partner has put in you. These agreements exist, hopefully, because both parties find them sexy and are enthusiastically into whatever the thing being consented to is. Using them in a way that is likely to cause your partner harm or distress violates the spirit of the very trust required to have these kinds of arrangements in the first place.

Finally, we’re both totally happy to withdraw consent if necessary

I used to be the kind of person who would think, “well, I agreed to this in advance – or at least implied I might be up for it – so I guess I have to go along with it now even though I really don’t want to.” I am not that person any more.

We both say no when we mean no. Being able to rely on each other to do this means that we can relax into the play, knowing that the consent we’re receiving from the other person is genuine.

So: can you consent to something in advance?

My answer is… kind of. In theory I’ve given Mr consent to wake me up for sex any time he chooses. In practice, I could withdraw that consent any and every time he invokes this, if I chose to… and he would respect that withdrawal without question and with no negative consequences to our relationship. So, in reality, I’m actually consenting to the activity in a very meaningful and ongoing way at the time.

Because if you can’t withdraw consent, it’s not really consent at all. In advance or otherwise.

Kinky item of the day: Cuffs! Forget metal handcuffs (they’re either shit quality or painful as fuck in a bad way, in my experience.) What about these black leather beauties?

The above is an affiliate link. All opinions are, and will always be, entirely my own.

The image featured in this post was offered for use via Creative Commons Licensing.