3 Things I Learned About Myself In My 18 Months as a 24/7 Submissive

Today in 30 Days of D/s, Kayla and John ask about 24/7 relationships. In a nutshell, this is a relationship where the power exchange is a permanent and pervasive part of the relationship. Essentially, the people in the relationship are “in role,” to a greater or lesser extent, all the time.

A padlock with a red heart on it and a red ribbon tied to it, fastened to a wire fence. For a post on 24/7 D/s

In my last relationship, I was a 24/7 submissive for a year and a half (collared for a year.) Even though that relationship was really unhealthy for me and I’m not in the 24/7 lifestyle any more, I still think I learned valuable lessons. Today I want to share some of those lessons with you.

Symbolism is really important to me

I’d been submitting to my partner more or less exclusively for months by the time we made the 24/7 thing “official”. Even so, writing and signing the contract and later having a collaring ceremony were really significant steps for me. They solidified what we were doing and they gave me a peg to hang my understanding of the relationship on. I couldn’t wear my collar 24/7 (professional job, y’all!) so having a day-collar (in our case it was a silver bracelet with a little lock-and-key charm) was very important.

Symbolism and ritual matters to me. It matters a lot. The act of creating intention together and naming it, whether simply to each other or in the presence of other loved ones, gives me a feeling of love, security and safety. Having a physical reminder of my connection to someone helps with the feeling of “home” that I value in a hopefully-lifetime relationship. This is why Mr CK and I intend to have a handfasting ceremony in the next couple of years.

I’m DEFINITELY a Switch

I love submitting and I’m still much more towards that end of the spectrum. However, I also definitely have a Dominant side and she gets grouchy if she doesn’t get to come out to play every once in a while. Not getting to Switch at all for about 2 years made me miss the hell out of it.

I’m not cut out for the 24/7 lifestyle

Yep… the biggest thing I learned in the course of that adventure into 24/7 power exchange is that I’m not cut out to live in a power exchange 24/7. Some of you are probably thinking this makes me less submissive, and the only thing I can say to that is that I think you’re wrong. When I choose to submit, I do so deeply and with my whole heart. It’s a beloved place I go back to time and time again and feel bereft if I’m away for too long. I just don’t live there.

You know the problem with wishing for what you want is that you might actually get what you want? Yep. I longed for 24/7 D/s and for quite a while I was on cloud nine of joy. When the reality set in, though, I chafed under the rules. I wanted to be able to step out of that role sometimes. Sometimes, I didn’t want to say yes Master, no Master, three bags full Master… I wanted to say you’re being an idiot, knock it off, and by the way I’m having a wank tonight whether you like it or not.

But I wanted it so much that I had to experience it to realise that maybe I don’t want it after all.

Tweet me your thoughts on 24/7 D/s. Have you done it? Would you do it again? Why or why not?

Kinky item of the day: ballet boots! (Not an affiliate link.) I love the hell out of these. They are, of course, utterly impractical on every level. But I think the inability to move far in them is part of the appeal, don’t you?

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First of May, First of May…

…outdoor fucking starts today!
(Jonathan Coulton)

…Unless you’re British and it’s still Too Fucking Cold well into June.
(CK)

Happy Beltane, beautiful people. Happy 1st of May, and hppy International Workers’ Day. Today is many things to many different people, but this is a sex blog after all – so I wanted to share a little about what today means for me as a sex-positive Pagan.

A close up on the orange flames of a fire on a dark background. For a post about Beltane.

Beltane is, without a doubt, the sexiest of the main festivals. (I mean, have you seen a Maypole? The symbolism is not subtle.) It’s a Fire festival, the element of sexuality and desire, and my second favourite element. (I will always be an Air elemental first and foremost.) It’s also the last of the three spring fertility festivals (after Imbolc and Ostara.)

As a lifelong childfree-by-choice woman, I’m not hugely inclined to celebrate “fertility” in the traditional sense. But fertility isn’t just about making babies. It’s about new life in all its forms – from baby lambs to blooming flowers to delicious summer fruits and vegetables to, yes, the blossoming of desire and the sense of that feeling that it’s summer now, I just want to go out and fuck.

Nature has given us these amazing bodies, capable of so much joy and pleasure via all of our powerful senses. Beltane is a time to celebrate all that is joyful and pleasurable.

This is not to say that we Pagans believe everyone should be having wild, uninhibited sex with anyone who crosses their path – though we do (or we should) fully support that choice as one of many valid and wonderful options. But we view sex as something normal and natural, as a gift that nature and the Universe has given us, as something to be celebrated and not as something dirty or immoral or wrong (or something to be only experienced between a husband and wife with the lights out for the purposes of procreation.)

All acts of love and pleasure are her rituals…

As a devotee of Aphrodite, I have long held that sex can be a profound and spiritual experience and an act of devotion in and of itself.

Good sex can be transformative. Good sex, even if it’s casual, should be approached with a full heart and a loving and open attitude. Really good sex is a dance between partners, a connection between ourselves and something much bigger, a joining of souls, a collaboration and a gift and a mutual surrender all at once.

Sex is beautiful, sex is profound, and sex is just flat-out fun. And for me, sex is one of the ways I connect deeply with my spiritual self and with the Goddess.

So go and fuck your partner, if you want to. Go out and fornicate amongst the flowers if you’re fortunate enough to live somewhere warm. Masturbate. Eat some delicious chocolate. Sit outside and read in the sun. Plant something. Buy yourself flowers, just because. There are many ways to celebrate Beltane sexually whether you’re partnered or not. And there are many ways to do it without involving sex at all if that’s not your bag.

What I advocate, and what I wish for you today, is that you find your pleasure, and you indulge in it wholly with gratitude in your heart.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have bluebells to walk in if this rain ever lets up, and a Mr CK to fuck the brains out of…

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