Ask Amy #6: “The Care and Feeding of Your Unicorn”

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Whew, it’s been a while since I had an advice question from a lovely reader. This one, I must confess, has been sitting in my inbox for a while. Thanks to the person who sent it in, both for the excellent question and for waiting so patiently for an answer.

An artistic drawing of a sitting unicornNOTE: For those who don’t know, a “unicorn” is a person (usually a woman or AFAB person, though not always) who gets into some kind of relationship with an existing couple. So called because this type of person is almost as rare, precious and highly sought-after as the mythical horned horse. “Unicorn hunter” couples get a bad rep because so many of them approach this type of relationship from a fantasy-fulfillment perspective without due regard for the third person’s feelings, needs or, well, humanity.

Let’s dive in…

Hey Amy,

So my primary and I have suddenly and quite unexpectedly acquired a unicorn! We love them so much (we’ve been friends with them for years). So far we are all three having a delightful time. We are, as much as possible, using our polyamory skills to continue this state of affairs.

But I am nervous. Obviously being a unicorn is a terribly vulnerable position and so many unicorns end up really hurt. So: can you give me some tips from your own experience on making sure we keep our unicorn as gloriously happy and safe and secure as they deserve, while also making sure that we look after our own needs too? Because, my goodness, they deserve all that is good and wonderful.

Dear Nervous Unicorn Handler,

Okay, first of all, I LOVE this one. Not only because you say you are all having a wonderful time in your newfound triad, but because you are obviously as invested in your new partner’s happiness as you are in your own and your Primary’s. So, yay for you! You’re already way ahead of the curve here.

You’re also doing the right thing in realising that being a unicorn is a vulnerable position. Your unicorn has a certain level of advantage in that they’ve been your friend for a long time, but you and your Primary will still have tonnes of shared history, intimacy and knowledge that your unicorn has not been privy to.

I find myself wondering if you’ve talked to them explicitly about this? Even something as simple as “hey, we understand that being a unicorn can be a really vulnerable position, and we want you to know that we love and value you so much and are really invested in your happiness in this relationship. Please don’t be afraid to tell us what you need and let us know if something doesn’t work for you” can go a really long way. Then, obviously, follow through on that with actions such as listening actively, consulting them on things that affect them, and not getting upset with them for expressing needs or emotions.

Balancing multiple people’s needs is tricky in any relationship. It does, of course, become somewhat more difficult the more people are involved. However, there’s no reason you can’t keep all of you safe, secure and happy for a long time to come!

Communication, as ever, is key. It sounds like you’re well aware of that and all making efforts to communicate well. Keep doing that!

I also advise, in so far as it’s possible, each of you having one-on-one time with your third partner sometimes as well. Just as the two of you need alone time together in order for your relationship to flourish, your relationship with your unicorn and your partner’s relationship with them needs the same to a certain extent. But, of course, lots of lovely all-three time is also really important to schedule and prioritise.

Looking after your own needs is vital in any relationship. So, try to keep a good handle on where you’re at internally. Ask your partners to look out for themselves similarly. Have you considered a periodic check-in meeting for all three of you? This can be by Skype or phone if you live far apart, or around the kitchen table over coffee, or even snuggled up in bed together. It doesn’t have to be serious. It can just be, “how are we all doing? Anyone got any issues they want to raise?”  Then if anything comes up, you talk about it. If it doesn’t, you carry on doing the snuggling/coffee drinking/kinky fuckery. Obviously, you can react to things as they arise. But don’t underestimate how useful it is to have a designated time to check in with everyone and focus on your three-way relationship.

Beyond this, the things that spring to mind seem obvious and I’m sure you’re doing them/not doing them already:

  • Don’t try to control/limit who your unicorn can date. Having a secondary relationship with them while being in a primary relationship with your existing partner is A-okay, but don’t try to make them be exclusive to you or make it difficult/impossible for them to date others.
  • Discuss, with your Primary AND all three of you together, what will happen if someone feels jealous or left out. “We’ll close down the relationship and kick the unicorn out” is not a valid answer to this.
  • Keep your promises and honour your commitments. Emergencies happen, of course, and a degree of flexibility is important. But your partner should feel that the two of you are reliable and will do what you say you’ll do.
  • Related to the above, don’t make promises you may not be able to keep.
  • Never, ever, for the love of all that is sexy and good in the world, throw your unicorn in the middle when you and your Primary have a disagreement.
  • Try not to set rules on who is supposed to feel what for whom. This is a recipe for disaster because the heart doesn’t obey rules. Expecting your new partner to feel exactly the same way about each of you, for example, is unrealistic at best and straight-up coercive at worst.

I just want to finish by saying this seems like a really positive, healthy relationship. I’m not getting any of the red flags I so often see in a couple+unicorn situation. You’re doing everything write, Letter Writer, and I wish you all the best for a long, loving and wonderful relationship.

Again, please submit your questions to me for an anonymous answer on the blog. Patreon supporters get priority!

Masturbation Monday: “Take It For Me”

Dedicated to Jadis, whose awesome and filthy mind provided the inspiration for this one.

A close up of a woman lifting her shirt to show her large breasts.“Girls!” His voice booms through the house. I look up from my laptop and in a second, I’m out of work-mode and into ‘Sir’s calling’ mode. I hop up from my desk and dash downstairs in the direction of the living room, where his voice came from. Kitten appears behind me a moment later, the bell of her collar jingling. Her sleepy eyes, knickers-and-tank-top attire and mussed-up hair tell me she’s just been roused from a nap. Sir looks at us both, one eyebrow raised in his best ‘unimpressed face’.

“What’s this?”He gentures towards the sofa, where a purple silicone dildo – clearly stained from the juices of one excited girl or another – has appeared.

A beat. I glance at Kitten.

“I told you both very clearly that you could play with each other this morning while I was at work, but that I expected to see all the toys cleaned and neatly put away when I got back.”

“In my defence, Sir,” Kitten speaks up in her soft voice, “Alice said she’d put them all away! And I believed her. So it’s not really my fault.”

Bitch, I mouth at her, though lovingly.

“Is that so?” Sir asks. His eyes flick to me. “Is that accurate, Slut?”

“Well… I mean… yes, I suppose, but…”

“I was very clear with you both, and as the Alpha submissive it really is your responsibility to make sure my instructions are carried out. But since she was so quick to land you in trouble, you get to choose if you’ll take the punishment yourself, or have Kitten take it for you”.

I smirk. The perks of being one above her in the household hierarchy. “I think she can take it for me.”

“As you wish. Kitten, get those panties off and get that sexy ass over the sofa.”

Her eyes widen in surprise. She was so sure she’d escaped without punishment by dropping the blame on me! Silly slut. Any guilt I feel is assuaged by how wet her little squeak makes my cunt.

“Hurry up, Kitten.”

She throws a pouty look in my direction, then reluctantly slips out of her white lace knickers. Judging by the smell of her cunt, she’s already getting a little drippy. She might protest, but Sir and I both know she loves the punishment.

Kitten kneels on the floor, face buried in the sofa cushion, pert little ass sticking up into the air. Just begging to be reddened. I sit on the sofa beside her and lean down so my face is close to hers, stroke her hair gently.

“Are you going to be a good girl and take my punishment for me?” I ask her, just a hint of sadistic cruelty in my voice. A muffled whimper in return.

Sir strokes her butt gently, and then lands the first smack. Her body jerks. Another slap, then another, and Sir falls into his rhythm, spanking her in earnest. The little jiggle of her adorable ass and the cute whimpers she makes with each strike have got me so fucking wet that I can feel my arousal starting to soak my panties under my jeans.

A particularly hard spank makes Kitten’s head jerk up and she lets out a squeal of pain. I almost feel sorry for her. Almost. Mostly I just feel really fucking turned on.

“Ssshh, good girl,” I murmur, stroking her cheek. “Take it for me, Kitten. You can do it.” Just to emphasise that she doesn’t really have much of a choice, I take her slender wrists in one of my hands and pin her down firmly by them.

“She looks so gorgeous with a red arse,” Sir says to me over the top of our whimpering mess of a girl.

“I bet she’s really wet, too,” I say. “I can smell her cunt from here.”

Sir pauses spanking her just long enough to dip his fingers between Kitten’s slightly parted legs. They come out soaking.

“Filthy girl. She likes this.” He rubs her juices into the crack of Kitten’s ass, making her squeal, before he resumed the rhythmical spanking, harder than before.

“Can I play with her cunt while you spank her, Sir?”

“No. This is a punishment. She’s not supposed to get off from it. Besides, you two had more than enough fun playing with each other’s cunts this morning. Isn’t that how you got yourselves into this trouble in the first place?”

Kitten lets out a frustrated whine. Her ass is getting redder and redder, but her noises are changing. Her high-pitched squeaks have changed to low moans. She’s absolutely loving this, the little slut.

“You’re such a good girl, taking all this for me,” I tell her. “Poor girl. We’re so cruel to you, aren’t we?” Her panting and moans are all the reply I need.

“Ten more,” Sir says, “and they’re going to be hard ones. Count them for me.”

SLAP.

“One,” Kitten murmurs.

SLAP.

“Two.”

SLAP SLAP.

“Three… four…”

I can tell she’s starting to struggle now, her body fighting between the pleasure and the pain. But she’s being such a good girl, taking it all for me. For us.

SLAP.

“Five!”

I pet her hair, tell her she’s a good girl, my pretty kitty.

SLAP SLAP SLAP

“Six… seven… eight…”

SLAP

“Nine!”

SLAP

“Ten! Thank you Sir,” she gasps. He strokes her ass, reddened and decorated with his hand-prints. Then he moves to sit on the sofa on the other side of her and pulls her in for a cuddle. He strokes her hair and kisses her forehead as she purrs contentedly in his lap. I hold her hand and squeeze. We all lie entangled for a long time, letting Kitten come down from her sub-space in her own time.

After a while, Sir passes Kitten over to me and rises. He leaves the room and returns a minute or so later, holding a wooden spoon.

“Hey, Kitten?” he says.

She looks up from my lap. “Yes, Sir?”

“You can have your revenge on Alice now if you like.” He offers her the spoon. A grin breaks over her face as she sits up and takes it from him.

“Bend over,” she tells me.

Fuck.

Masturbation Monday is a project created and owned by Kayla Lords. This week’s image is by Violet Fawkes. If you enjoyed this story, you can sign up to my Patreon at any level to enjoy exclusive new patron-only erotic fiction every Tuesday. Click the logo to see what everyone else is getting off on this week…

 

“Creepy Fuckery” (or: “Niece Jackie”) – CK Watches You Me Her, S1E5

You may recall that episode 4 ended with Izzy’s roommate (edit: her name is Nina!) catching Izzy and Jack making out, moments after crashing into and breaking Nina’s grandmother’s antique lamp. Well, episode 5 begins with them sitting at the table looking sheepish while Nina tells them off.

There’s a knock on the door, and in comes pdeudo-boyfriend Andy. “Ooh, this is gonna be interesting,” says Nina. No kidding. Jack awkwardly introduces himself, calls Andy “dude,” then apologises which just makes the whole thing that bit more excruciating. Jack says he’s Izzy’s uncle but they’re “more like cousins because we’re so close in age.”

  1. Who are you kidding, Jack-Not-Fred?
  2. If Andy is buying this for even a tenth of a millisecond, he’s the biggest idiot in this entire show populated by total idiots.

Izzy asks to move their planned lunch to cocktails later. Andy leaves after throwing a snarky “dude” remark in Jack’s direction.

“Yes, I’m a client,” Jack says, answering both Nina’s question and mine. “There’s your tip,” he adds to Izzy, leaving money on the side and walking out. Nina pockets the money, which is kinda fair given that Izzy and Jack just broke her expensive heirloom lamp.

Later, Izzy and Nina walk across campus and Nina asks Izzy why she kissed Andy in front of Jack. Izzy says it was to keep Andy “on simmer” (um?) but Nina knows it was to make Jack jealous and calls her out on it. Here’s a thing: if purposefully making your partners (who don’t even officially know about each other!) jealous is your game, you’re not ready for non-monogamy.

Nina asks Izzy if she’s okay breaking up a marriage. Izzy confesses her feelings about Jack and Emma. “Oh yeah, it would be so tragic if all three of you didn’t live happily ever after,” says Nina, ever the sympathetic friend. I mean, I can kind of see her point because we all know this is heading towards a trainwreck of epic proportions, but at the same time ,triads CAN work and can be happy and functional. Just not when they start with both members of a couple cheating on each other with the same escort, the escort inexplicably catching feels, and no-one having a clue how to do even the most basic communication.

The phone rings and it’s Emma. Only apparently she’s “Em” to Izzy now. Emma is with Carmen, who is obnoxiously trying to get her attention – I think to tell Emma to break up with Izzy. Izzy pretends Andy is on the other line and about to take her on holiday, and hangs up. Emma is upset and shouts “FUCK,” despite the fact that she’s in the middle of a public park and there are children around. This leads to this amazing exchange:

Emma: “Sorry, sorry! Hey kids, don’t do drugs, stay in school!”
Random Mum: “They’re toddlers, dumbshit!”
Emma: “Dumbshit!? Oh yeah, well I bet those snotty little brats aren’t even vaccinated!”
Random Mum: “I’ll vaccinate your ass!”

And then Carmen pulls Emma away, Emma professes how much she “HATES ANDY,” and Carmen demands that Emma not bring any of the Izzy drama into “HER neighbourhood” or around “HER children.” Hey Carmen, Emma might be acting world-class foolish, but she lives in the neighbourhood too and can invite whoever she damn well pleases back to her own damn house. Step off.

Later, Emma and Jack are having drinks. Emma confesses to phoning Izzy, and Jack confesses to visiting Izzy during his lunch hour. In a moment of surprisingly rational and adult conversation, Emma admits to being “scared and nervous and excited.” Next thing we know, they’re actually communicating! Jack asks what happens next, and Emma points out that there’s a third person involved who should probably get a say. I suddenly find new respect for her until…

…the bitching about Andy begins. “I hope he has low self-esteem!” says Jack. “Does he hate puppies and poor people?” Emma counters. Wow, guys. Really?

We cut to Izzy and Andy, who are eating pizza – because of course when a skinny, normatively attractive woman loves pizza, it’s OMGSOCUTE #Keepingitreal. I bet if Izzy was fat, this scene would get a very different response from viewers. Andy wants Izzy to “decide.” Decide what?

Back at Jack and Emma’s house, they’re fighting about the “niece” thing (remember when Jack told his boss’s daughter, whom he inexplicably felt he owed an explanation to, that Izzy was his niece “Jackie?” Yeah.)

Izzy is in a cab after Jack texts her telling her to come over but take a “slightly different route.” The cabbie is hitting on her and asks if the drop-off spot – in seemingly the middle of nowhere – is where she really wants to be. She essentially tells him to fuck off, gets out of the cab and wanders into some nearby woods, muttering, “damn fucking aunt and uncle bullshit. Fucking JACKIE!” Meanwhile, Jack and Emma are freaking out waiting for Izzy to arrive (apparently they just said “come over” but didn’t specify a time or anything, because obviously people do that,) and right on cue she arrives. Her first words are “if you don’t have something that makes sense in a shot glass, I’m killing everyone but the pug.” On balance, I’m voting in favour of this idea.

Lori, across the street, is spying on Jack and Emma’s house. Because of course she fucking is. Because she’s not only the nosiest busybody in existence, she’s also Jack’s boss and has no sense whatsoever of professional boundaries. If I found out my boss was watching my house, neighbour or not, I would literally take out a restraining order. Lori’s kid (“Ava,” apparently) comes outside and says, “we both know there’s something weird going on with them and that niece.” They then quickly realise “Jackie” is “in there.”

Jack, Emma and Izzy are all drunk, but Jack stops them getting stoned before they talk about Serious Adult Things. Meanwhile, back in the bar, Andy is talking to the bartender, who is also the cabbie from earlier who dropped Izzy off. Sure, why not? Also, he’s played by Patrick Gilmore, who was adorable David Mailer in Travelers, if you’ve seen that. (If you haven’t, you should. Gilmore is wasted in this nonsense.) Ooh, Bar & Cabbie Guy (“Shaun” is apparently his name) has recognised Andy as Izzy’s boyfriend and is about to reveal where he dropped her off.

Our intrepid “throuple” (fuck me I hate that word) are talking. Apparently Andy was a ploy all along to make Jack and Emma jealous and see if they “feel the same.” Also, Izzy is all “I MET YOU FOUR DAYS AGO BUT I CAN’T STAND THE IDEA OF YOU HAVING SEX WITHOUT ME.” For fuck’s sake, Izzy. Firstly, they’re married. Secondly, as you correctly identified, you’ve known them ten minutes. Third, and very important, even in non-monogamous arrangements the individual dyads do tend to have sex 1-on-1 at times. We’ve established that all three of them are super jealous for various reasons. This is not a problem in and of itself, of course, but I just know they’re not going to handle it in a constructive fashion.

In the bar, Andy is putting two and two together. In the house, Jack asks “where do we go from here?” “Well the logical question,” Emma replies, “is, has anyone in this room ever had a threesome?” They establish they haven’t. In the bar, Andy gives Shaun $80 to tell him exactly where Izzy is. Creepy. And credits.

Are we FINALLY going to get to see some hot threesome action in episode 6 of this “SUPER HOT THREESOME SHOW?” I will be very angry if not, but based on what I’ve seen thus far, if this lukewarm nonsense can pull “hot” out of the bag I will be stunned.

“Is That a Vagina Joke?” (or: “Check a Box”) – CK Watches You Me Her, S1E4

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, for I watched episode 4 of this travesty three weeks ago and have only just gathered enough fucks to write it up.

Episode 4 begins with Jack and Emma fucking. Jack says, as they finish, “it feels like we just gave orgasms to everyone within a two-mile radius!” Um. What? The pillowtalk that follows consists entirely of them congratulating themselves on how sexy their performance was. [Spoiler: it wasn’t.] Emma reveals she used to feel relieved after sex was over (poor woman!) and wonders if this new spark is “all Izzy.”

Jack goes jogging with Emma’s friend Carmen’s husband, Neighbour Dude. [Edit: his name is Dave!) Dave is interrogating Jack in a “he blatantly knows” kind of way. Not one to mince his words, he tells Jack “I think you’re a fucking moron” and lectures him on keeping fantasy as fantasy, then admits he’s jealous and asks how the rules work.

Also this just in: when two women have sex, apparently their vulvas just “smoosh together.” Well then.

Jack admits he thinks he has “never found a fucking G-spot in my life.” I have two comments on this:

  1. This is literally 5 minutes after “OH EM GEE WE JUST REINVENTED SEX.”
  2. It’s, like, a couple of inches inside and on the front wall in most vaginas. It’s not hiding!

Dave mentions that Carmen thinks Emma is in love with Izzy. No she isn’t, they barely know each other. She’s infatuated at best.

Next scene, Jack is at work (he works in a school, remember.) A teenage girl comes in who turns out to be Lori’s daughter (Lori is their nosy neighbour, who is also the Dean of the school and therefore in charge of basically Jack’s entire career.)

Lori’s Kid: “Who was that chick at your house?”
Jack: “Why do I have to tell you that?”
Me: “You don’t, Jack! You’re the fucking teacher here! Tell the brat to mind her own business and throw her out of your office stat!”

Lori’s kid is acting inappropriately sexual and Jack tells her to stop with the “Lolita act.” Ew. (Also LOLITA WAS A FUCKING TWELVE YEAR OLD ABUSE VICTIM, READ THE FUCKING BOOK FOR FUCKING FUCK’S SAKE.) Jack says Izzy is his niece, leading Lori’s kid to say he must be “old as shit.” Okay why isn’t this kid in detention yet? Jack finally gets rid of her, gets Emma on the phone, and they decide no more Izzy at the house. Lori comes by and Jack goes into full-on Kiss Ass mode, and invites her to a party. Smooth, Jack-Not-Fred. Very smooth.

We cut to Emma and Carmen, who are drinking juice on a pier. Carmen is giving Emma a much-needed reality check re. Lori and the future of Jack’s career. She lectures Emma about ruining her life with the “Izzy” situation and the spectre of waking up one day “with saggy tits, wondering where your awesome life went.” Nice. She steals Emma’s phone and threatens to dump Izzy for her if Emma won’t do it herself. Emma grabs the phone back and runs off.

Meanwhile, Creepy Pseudo-Boyfriend Andy is pissed that Izzy has been booty-calling him and breaking dates for 3 months. Fair. Izzy is vegging out on the sofa in jeans, comfy booties and… a lacy bra!? Fuck me sideways, I don’t even wear lacy bras to go out in, never mind on the sofa at home. There’s a knock on the door and…

…surprise! It’s Jack! Izzy scolds him for coming round unannounced. He points out she did the same a couple episodes back. I guess mutual stalking is okay?

Jack: “Why aren’t you dressed? It’s like 12:30.”
Me: “STUDENTS, Jack. Students.”

He makes a show of dumping her – apparently they won’t be “requiring [her] services any longer.” These people have no fucking clue if this is a sex-worker/client or a love relationship and they really need to make their minds up. Izzy calls his bluff, stating that Emma had no part in this decision and he’s unilaterally decided to duck out. Yeah, no shit.

He tells her to keep away from his wife. She calls him a “misogynistic dickbag.” I suddenly like her a lot more! She makes a bet he’d call her again within 2 weeks. He says, “stop acting like you’re irresistible.” “You don’t think about me?” she asks, taunting him. They make out. Her shirt is off. They crash into a lamp.

“This counts as our date, right?” he asks amidst the making out. Then right on cue, Izzy’s roommate walks in. Roomie is pissed – apparently the lamp was her grandmother’s and is an antique, and also Izzy broke the eminently sensible “Rule #1” – never tell clients where they live. She calls Jack “Clark Griswold,” a reference which is lost on me.

Roomie asks if Jack is a client or “something else.” I’m glad I am not the only one wondering this. Izzy goes, “umm…” and we fade to black.

Goddamn, even for this show, that episode was inane.

“No Common Sense Whatever” (or “No Penetration”) – CK Watches You Me Her, S1E3

Well then, I’ve been putting off writing this up but I suppose it is really time I did.

Episode 3 picks right up where Episode 2 left off, with Izzy the escort-not-a-hooker (ugh the sex worker shaming in this show is gross) on Emma and Jack-Not-Fred’s doorstep. It is quickly revealed that they didn’t actually invite her – she “cyber stalked [their] address” and “sprinted away” from Andy, the specimen of creepy toxic masculinity she’s dating.

The dialogue in this show is stellar as ever:
Jack: We don’t have any sedatives, but we do have wine.
Emma: It’s… made of grapes.

(Also, apparently they have bottles of wine that are just for show and not to be drunk. Doesn’t not drinking it defeat the object of wine?)

A short while later, and they’re all smoking Izzy’s weed while talking about Creepy Andy (the “most amazing guy in the world,” apparently – Izzy, your standards need some work, girl) and “why are we doing this?” GOOD FUCKING QUESTION EMMA. Emma confesses her office-wank from Episode 2, but says “I pleasured myself.” Ugh, is it just me or is that such a yucky, twee expression? What’s wrong with “masturbated” or even “wanked?”

Izzy is “way too insecure to feel anything but flattered” by their creepy obsession with her. She should be feeling “creeped the fuck out.” She cannot stop thinking about them, which literally makes no sense – these two idiots are not only her clients but the most boring and nondescript clients I imagine she’s ever had the misfortune to be hired by. A short while later, they’ve set up their arrangement – Jack and Emma each get two nights a week with Izzy (“we each get two dates a week with her… I mean you”) and no penetration.

Emma: We objectified her.
Jack: Honey, she’s an escort!
FUCK YOU, Jack-Not-Fred.

In the next scene, they’re in a cafe deciding who “gets” Izzy first (Emma,) and Emma very obviously foot-jobs Jack under the table. Meanwhile, Izzy spaces out in class and her roommate bullies a random boy next to her into giving her his notes. This scene serves no purpose. We then learn that Jack doesn’t realise his employer could track his browser history on his work computer. This fucking guy.

Emma goes outfit shopping with Carmen, neighbour-lady-and-yoga-friend, and tells her all about how she “couldn’t poop this morning.” Um, yay? Next shot, Izzy’s roommate is working out and enquiring what Izzy gets out of her new arrangement. Um, a SHIT TONNE OF MONEY, I imagine?

The outfit Emma chooses is pretty and classy. It’s kind of a shame that’s the best thing I can find to say about this nonsense. She tells Jack she wants him to “ravish” her later. These people are no unprepared for non-monogamy, it’s unreal.

Emma and Izzy start their date sweetly nervous. Izzy has an “idea” and runs off to a shop. Jack is at a party and VERY STRESSED (I think because Emma is on a date?) I can actually relate somewhat to this.

Emma has taken Izzy to a roof overlooking the city. Izzy talks about being sad because Jack and Emma were sleeping in bed without her the night before, which makes no sense because 1) They’re MARRIED for fuck’s sake, 2) This is a business arrangement, supposedly, 3) She’s known them ten minutes. Izzy talks about vegetables and “disturbing videos,” for some reason, and Emma goes off somewhere and comes back with a blanket and pillow. Emma says Izzy makes her nervous, Izzy says Emma’s beautiful, they make out. Emma peels off her shirt as the making out intensifies. I hate to say it but this is quite hot until…

Emma: I love your eyes. They’re like doe eyes but you’ve probably heard that a million times.

Ew.

Also Emma: It feels so weird that you don’t have a beard. (Hasn’t she been with women before!?)

Also also Emma: I think we broke the no penetration rule.

I’m just wondering why women in films and TV always have sex with their bra on, and next thing we know Emma is creeping in and Jack is fake-snoring. Really badly. Once she’s in bed, he pounces on her for sex but she is “orgasmed out” and tired. He says, “are you serious?” He’s clearly not happy. “I thought we had a no orgasm rule!” he says. Um, they never agreed that. They agreed on no penetration.

Jack is pissed. “I thought we were supposed to bring it home,” he says. And then, “it doesn’t look like I’m getting anything out of [this arrangement.]” Except the two dates a week with Izzy where he gets to do the sexy times too, I guess?

“Maybe a little jealousy is good for both of us?” Emms suggests. I mean, I disagree entirely, but working through their stuff like adults might be good for them. Fat chance of that, though. Instead, Jack is threatening to do the same things on his date with Izzy. Emma seems entirely nonplussed by this, since it is entirely in keeping with what they agreed. They make out.

Izzy, in her room, stares at the ceiling with a dreamy expression then pulls up the selfie she took with Emma on her phone. She zooms in on Emma’s face, puts her hand down her pants, and… her roommate walks in! (Without knocking, which no-one who has lived with a roommate for more than five seconds would do.)

“What are you doing?” Roomie asks. “Sleeping,” Izzy replies. She was wanking, Roomie. WANKING. Roomie grabs Izzy’s phone from her hands in a spectacularly rude and invasive fashion. “Well, fuck!” she says. And end scene.

“Bad Writing and Clunky Dialogue and Crap” (or: “Cigarettes and Funions and Crap”) – CK Watches You Me Her, S1E1.

Contains Spoilers.

I have set myself this ridiculous challenge of watching and reviewing new Netflix drama You Me Her so that you don’t have to. I was really, really hoping to have more nice things to say but as it is, I think I’m going to have to get through this by making fun of it mercilessly. You can follow what I think as I’m watching at #CKWatchesYouMeHer.

The premise is simple: a married couple invite a young college student, who also happens to be an escort, into their relationship. Things go about as well as can be expected.

Episode 1 – Cigarettes and Funions and Crap – opens with suburban white married couple, Jack and Emma, at what we assume is a couple’s counselling session, bemoaning the fact that they don’t have kids yet and lying about how often they have sex. Cliche the first. We meet their equally boring and suburban neighbours in two minutes of screen time that serve absoluely no purpose whatsoever except to illustrate that Emma is friends with the wife of the couple next door. Okie-dokie then.

Coming home late from a night out, Emma walks in on Jack masturbating and things get weirdly sex-shamey. Yes, he’s a grown man who likes to masturbate. Deal with it. (On a completely unrelated aside, can the notion that people in relationships don’t/shouldn’t masturbate just die in a fire already?) They have some weird, aggressive and totally unsexy sex wherein she tries to get him to spank her and he doesn’t seem keen.

Eight minutes in, I tweet “this is about as romantic as a root canal.” Also, weren’t jokes about married couples not liking sex any more fresh and edgy in about… 1842?

Jack is advised to cheat on his wife with an escort, in order to save their marriage/sex life, by his brother. For some inexplicable reason, he goes for it straight away and we are subjected to his excruciating date with young escort ‘Izzy’ (inexplicably her real name. Nothing about this show makes any sense.) For our next cliche here, we have “college students who are also escorts to pay the rent.” (“But we’re ESCORTS, not h**kers, which is totally different because sex work stigma or something, no-one seems to have a convincing argument for this…?”)

The dialogue throughout this show is so badly written it’s painful. Jack comes out with such gems as “you are also unhideous,” to which Izzy replies “that’s cool. D’you wanna make out?” SEXY. The writers do, however, get in a ‘unicorn’ quip, for which I have nothing but respect.

He rips her shirt. They make out for like two minutes and then he realises he “CAN’T DO THIS” and right on cue Emma calls and Izzy just leaves. That’s like three cliches in one, yes? Actually, this probably some nice foreshadowing for what’s to come when a horribly dysfunctional triad inevitably materialises out of this mess. At home, Jack confesses to Emma and she’s understandably pissed. Sadly, this mainly comes out as anti-sex work rhetoric and her wanting to see pictures of Izzy. Because “does she have nicer skin than me?” (something Emma worries about in the next scene) is totally a bigger issue than her husband having massively and deliberately violated her trust.

We cut to, presumably, a day or two later. Emma is out with her friend Neighbour Lady (I need to look up the character’s name even though she serves no actual purpose thus far) and telling her about Jack’s tryst with Izzy. Neighbour Lady asks Emma what she’s going to do… and then poof! Izzy appears in a puff of unicorn glitter (okay, not quite) and asks for “Lola.” Because the totally sane thing to do when your husband cheats on you with an escort is hire the same escort yourself.

We’re seventeen minutes in and I’m tweeting, “this show is 1000% ludicrous.”

Izzy is drunk because she’s never been on a date with a woman before, and she awkwardly toe-fucks Emma under the table. Only the tablecloth isn’t even very long, so everyone in the restaurant can see their drunken, extremely unsexy toe sex. These two have less than zero chemistry and their subsequent kiss in the bathroom a few minutes later (after Emma confesses who she is and grabs Izzy in a way that totally bypasses even the most cursory consideration for consent) reminds me of all the worst bits of The L Word mashed together into one. And it’s about as realistic.

Emma confesses to Jack what she’s done and he seems surprisingly fine with it. She also drops in here that she’s been with women before. How can you be married to someone for many years and not tell them a huge detail like that you’re bisexual!? The fact that she’s cheated is glossed over, because it’s not really cheating when it’s between two women, is it? (Spoiler alert: it is.)

We’re twenty-one minutes in and I’m getting a bit angry.

In the next scene, Jack hangs around outside Izzy’s building and presses the buzzer repeatedly until she comes along and talks to him. Can anyone say STALKER ALERT? Seriously, this behaviour is creepy as hell and not okay. He then goes home to Emma and goes down on her on the kitchen floor (without removing or even moving her dress at all, because that’s how TV Sex works) while Izzy goes home and cries because she’s sick of getting caught up in other people’s bullshit and wants to quit escorting.

This show has all the hallmarks of “cute young bi women exist to save failing cishet marriages” and, by the time the credits roll on episode 1, I’m thoroughly unimpressed and possibly even a bit depressed.

A ridiculous premise. Characters I am totally incapable of caring about. Plot holes out the wazoo. Sex-negativity, sex worker stigma and gross stereotypes. Literally the only thing this show has going for it is the fact that it’s brought something that might, kinda, vaguely resemble polyamory (if you squint hard) to mainstream TV screens.