“Can You Be Any More Ridiculous?” (Or: “Can You Be Cool?”) – Amy Watches You Me Her, S1E2.

I live tweeted You Me Her episode 2 two weeks ago but somehow, writing about anal sex was more appealing than writing it up until now. Alas, I’ve set myself this ridiculous challenge to spare you all from this terrible TV show (and, to be entirely honest, I’m still harbouring a tiny hope it’ll redeem itself,) so here we go.

Episode 2 opens with Jack and Emma pretending that all the ridiculousness they got up to in episode 1 was all a dream. Small mercy that’d be if it was true, but alas, no. They kiss for half a second and then both screw up their faces in horror. These people have been together how long and they can’t cope with morning breath?

We cut to Izzy, she of the “college girl escort DEFINITELY NOT A HOOKER” trope, who is talking to herself in the mirror, then vomiting, then getting text messages from her creepy boyfriend, Andy, who is angry that he can’t reach her. A little later, she’s cleaning like mad. Her roommate comes home and accuses Izzy of being in a “death and resurrection cycle,” as if the symbolism needed bashing over our heads any harder.

Jack is at work. He works at a high school, and we are treated to close ups of the word INTEGRITY in the motto on the school’s sign. Okay, we get it – you’re telling us the attribute that the people in this show lack with more subtle-as-a-brick-to-the-face camera work. There’s a knock at Jack’s office door and Izzy’s voice says, “Fred? Are you in there?” Hahaha, it’s a throwback to “Jack not Fred” in Episode 1. In she comes, and we cut to Emma, who is looking at Izzy on the escort site on her work computer (just to further hammer home the point that these people are 1) unhealthily obsessed with this much younger woman who they hired as a PROFESSIONAL, and 2) completely lacking in any kind of basic common sense.)

Back in Jack’s office, Izzy is climbing on his desk and telling him all about what a bad girl she is, just as Emma slips her vibrating mobile phone between her legs on her desk chair (true confession: I used to wank that way when I was thirteen, before I discovered the joys of the electric toothbrush. Buy a goddamn vibrator, Emma. And please don’t use it at work, ever.)

Izzy’s making out with Jack, then – wait, what? – she’s making out with Emma, too, and…. oh no, it was all just a fantasy and Emma has been walked in on, very obviously masturbating in her office, by a young male co-worker.

Izzy moans, “Jack.” A male voice says, “Jack?” And our hero comes back down to earth, dream-Izzy gone, and realises he’s been caught having a lurid sexual fantasy at work by his boss. Emma makes an inappropriate sexual comment to her terrified young co-worker and then promises to write him an excellent recommendation (in exchange, one assumes, for keeping quiet about catching her mid phone-wank.) How do you spell “Hostile Work Environment?”

Izzy pseudo-meditates, for some reason while hanging half upside-down off her bed, then Creepy Andy calls and they make a date. Jack is now hanging out with his brother again, (he of the “definitely cheat with a sex worker to improve your sex life with your wife” advice) and talking about having great sex with Emma but fantasising about Izzy. This leads the brother to compare women to cars. Fuck off, Jack’s brother, you misogynistic prick.

Meanwhile, Emma does some weirdly orgasmic yoga and comes out with, “I’m having some kind of mind-body renaissance.” What the fuck is this I can’t even. She then tells her yoga friend (remember Neighbour Lady? Her name is Carmen) about how great she is at hooking up with girls. Carmen refers to Izzy as “that hideously deformed grad student” and all I can think is God, this show really hates women. To top it off, Carmen goes straight to, “if you’re into girls why not me?” and calls her a “big lesbo.” It hates bisexuals too, apparently. Cool cool.

Next up, Izzy’s date with Creepy Andy, who is clearly mad at her. “I’m trying really hard to be patiently submissive here,” she says while he glowers. Heads up Izzy, if you feel the need to be “patiently submissive” in your relationship and it’s not consensual D/s, you might be being abused.

“I think you might be my penance,” he says, and there’s a veiled reference to “evil deeds” in his past. Well, now this reminds me of the time my ex told me I was a curse. Thanks, stupid show. Apparently they’re going on a date because Andy wants romance.

Back in the therapist’s office, Emma tells her bisexual origin story (a totally sweet and normal college romance with a girlfriend, with only a tiny little bit of “being dared to kiss by a guy” thrown in) and Jack is pulling out all the biphobic judgement. “I’m embarrassed for you even telling this story,” he says. Fuck you, Jack-Not-Fred. Also, apparently her having dated women in the past (BEFORE THEY MET) is worse than him having sought out a sex worker with the express intention of cheating (LIKE LAST WEEK.) So there’s that.

Prettied up now, Izzy is back out with Andy. This guy has some serious toxic masculinity issues going on. Apparently he’s “hot enough to be a dick,” which is definitely not a thing. But, again, he wants romance and will even make her breakfast. I hate every single person in this show.

At home, Jack and Emma are lying on the floor for some reason and declaring their love for each other. “It wasn’t a thing!” says Emma of her bisexuality. Emma, having dated four women is definitely a “thing.” Stop erasing your own sexuality, other people do enough of that for us.

Communicating entirely in eyebrow waggling, they decide they want to have a threesome with Izzy. Next shot, Izzy is walking up the drive to their house while a neighbour across the street spies out of her window. Then Izzy’s at the door and supremely awkward “hi”s are exchanged. She smiles, and…. end scene.

I’m not sure if I’m more depressed that people are calling this nonsense a great portrayal of polyamory, or that there are still 10 more episodes for me to get through.

Buy me a gin to get me through this stupid task I have for some reason undertaken?

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