Firstly, and perhaps most importantly: I wrote this review with ‘Satisfied’ from Hamilton going around in my head and now I really want a musical theatre parody about sex toys.
With that out of the way: this is not the review I wanted to write. I really, really wanted to say that all the hype was deserved, that the Satisfyer Pro 2 (the latest edition to the Satisfyer range of toys) gave me the “screaming orgasm in under a minute” I’d been promised. Alas, it was not to be.
For those not in the know, the Satisfyer Pro 2 (and others in the range) are essentially copycats of the much-hyped and more expensive Womanizer toys, which boast patented PleasureAir technology for “touch free orgasms.” Essentially, you put the nozzle end around your clitoris to create a kind of seal, and the toy provides stimulation via rapid air pulses.
Being one for new and exciting things, I couldn’t wait to try it. However, I just couldn’t get any meaningful stimulation from it! Somehow, this much-lauded toy did absolutely nothing for me.
I like to think I gave it a good go – I tried it on three separate occasions in all. With lube and without. From cold, and when I was already turned on and half way to orgasm. On the low settings and the high settings. In the end, after my second session of over forty minutes, I threw the damn thing aside in frustration and reached for my trusty Doxy to finish the job.
I nearly didn’t write this review at all, as these toys are so popular and to say I didn’t like it feels a bit blasphemous. But different views are important, so there it is. I fucked a Satifyer and I didn’t like it.
So what didn’t I like about it?
Firstly, I couldn’t get it to stay in place! In my experience, once you’ve got it on the right spot and angled it just correctly, you pretty much can’t move at all – which doesn’t work for a girl like me who likes to move her hips and buck against a toy.
Secondly, the actual stimulation didn’t feel like anything special at all. To me, it just felt like an annoyingly weak and buzzy vibrator. (I am utterly baffled by the descriptions of Satisfyer and Womanizer toys as “oral sex simulators.” Not any oral sex I’ve ever had, I can assure you.) And after a while, having the nozzle stuck around my clit started to hurt.
Thirdly, this thing is fucking LOUD. Seriously, it sounded like a swarm of bees around my clitoris, which is not a sentence I ever thought I’d type and not something I find even remotely appealing. Not one for you if you’ve got nosy roommates, kids asleep in the next room, or any embarrassment about other people knowing you’re wanking.
My Ratings (all scores out of 5★)
The Satisfyer Pro 2 retails on Lovehoney for £69.99, which is a pretty standard price for a high-end toy and a lot cheaper than the similar Womanizer toys (which start at £84.99 for a basic model and go all the way up to £149.99.)
The nozzle, i.e. the only bit that actually makes direct contact with the genitals, is silicone. The body is ABS plastic. This makes the whole toy body-safe and non-porous.
It’s quite pretty, I’ll give it that! The body is a lovely rose-gold colour, which is stylish and a step away from endless, endless neon pink.
Ease of Use: ★
The Satisfyer Pro 2 is quite bulky and surprisingly heavy for its small size. The buttons are a pain to press. At least 50% of the time I had to press the “off” button more than once to turn it off. As I mentioned above, it’s also really difficult to hold in place if you’re a person who moves a lot while being pleasured. Worst of all, the settings are SO ANNOYING. It has eleven speeds but once you’ve gone up a speed, you have to cycle all the way through – there is no “turn down” option other than going through all 11 settings. Distracting and offputting to say the least.
Ease of care & cleaning: ★★★
The head is detachable and you can purchase replacements, which makes this part at least easy to keep hygienic. However, the nozzle is bound to trap some lube, sex fluids and germs. That said, it is waterproof so you can submerge it for a thorough cleaning. You cannot put a condom on a suction toy or use it with any other barrier protection. For this reason, I would recommend ideally only sharing this toy with a partner you’re fluid bonded to – or change the head between users.
It can really only be used in one way. It does have different speed settings, which is something, and is advertised as waterproof so could be used in the bath or shower if that’s your thing.
As mentioned above, this thing just felt like an annoyingly light and buzzy vibrator. Even on the highest settings, it was too weak to get me anywhere near to coming.
Overall Score: ★★
Sadly, much as I wanted to love it, the results for Satisfyer Pro 2 just didn’t live up to the hype (or the price point.)
A note: This is not exactly a bad toy. It has some significant flaws but it’s body-safe and well made. All bodies are different and suction toys clearly work really well for lots of people, which is brilliant. When considering a toy, particularly an expensive one, please look at lots of reviews and don’t base your choice on just one. I have a pretty small, fairly hidden away but VERY sensitive clitoris, and certain toys will suit my anatomy while others won’t. And that’s okay.
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