How Not to Punish

If you’ve just now found the blog, you may not know that October is #KinkMonth! Go check out the hashtag, and also don’t forget you can get 15% off at Lovehoney until 15th October when you spend £50 or more.

I’m celebrating by writing posts inspired by the topics in Kayla Lords’ brilliant 30 Days of D/s project. Today’s prompt was all about punishment and discipline. Kayla and John ask:

As a submissive, are you willing to allow a Dominant to discipline or punish you in your relationship? As a Dominant, are you willing to require discipline or give out punishment? What kinds of punishments can you imagine for bad behavior?

First, some disclaimers:

Note the First: When I talk about punishment here, I am talking about the type that is genuinely intended to correct or admonish someone for perceived or actual negative behaviour. I am NOT talking about “funishment,” wherein the idea of “punishment” is used as part of a game, roleplay or kinky scene. In other words, “funishment” isn’t intended to genuinely correct any behaviour.

Note the Second: I’m going to admit this straight up: I’m skittish about the idea of punishment. Yes, even in 24/7 D/s relationships. I lean very strongly towards the side of “adults are not children and punishment does not belong in a respectful relationship”. However, I also acknowledge that this is largely as a result of my baggage from non-consensual “punishment” dynamics in my past. I 1000% respect the right of other consenting adults to negotiate their dynamics differently and to include punishment in their relationships.

Therefore, here’s a short list of things to be aware of if you do decide to include punishment in your D/s relationship. This is aimed at the D-types, but I would implore submissives to please also be on the look out for these things happening and seriously reevaluate if they do.

Don’t Punish in Anger

Please never, ever, ever punish somebody in anger. Even if you’ve agreed you can punish your submissive when they fuck up, when you’re angry in the immediate aftermath of the mistake is not the time to be dishing out punishment. Being angry opens you up to the risk of going too far, hurting someone (physically, mentally or emotionally) in a way they haven’t consented to, breaking consent and permanently destroying trust. Just don’t do it. Ever.

Don’t Punish for Real, Serious, Possibly-Relationship-Breaking Transgressions

I’ll probably catch some flack for this, but if your submissive has (for example) cheated on you or something equally serious, that’s not the time to start whaling on their ass. Even if spanking is something you’ve explicitly negotiated as a punishment. A fuck-up, mistake or betrayal that epic requires you to sit the fuck down as equal adults and have a very serious conversation about the state of your relationship and where to go from here.

Don’t Punish With Triggers

Triggers are things that evoke a serious and visceral negative emotion or “flashback” as a result of past trauma. They can take all kinds of forms and it’s your responsibility to be aware of these and avoid tripping over them as far as you can. Absolutely do not use them against your partner in punishment. For example, if your partner has an abandonment trigger, punishing them by not speaking to them is likely to be devastating. If they have childhood trauma from being spanked, throwing them over your knee and hitting them will cause real and genuine harm. Using triggers to punish someone is abuse.

How do YOU feel about punishment? Tell me in the comments or tweet me with your thoughts.

Kinky item of the day: I’m pretty anti-punishment in my relationship but I LOVE funishment, being bent over the bed or someone’s lap and thoroughly spanked. Therefore today’s item is one of my favourite tools and one of the easier impact play toys to use: a classic spanking paddle.

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4 thoughts on “How Not to Punish

  1. We use punishment and consequences (primarily consequences as even the threat of a punishment is enough to be keep me on my best behavior, lol) and I agree with everything you’ve said here. JB makes a point to tell me AND other kinksters (if they’re listening) the same things. Punishment is within the context of the dynamic and requires a massive amount of trust. Doing anything to kill that trust or because of something that’s outside of the D/s dynamic (like cheating or other betrayal) harms the relationship – sometimes irreparably.

    I love reading your insights!

  2. I agree wholeheartedly with everything you said. Anger, triggers, and a transgression like you mentioned are all something I vocally talk about often to people. One should never just dole out a punishment off the cuff as that could do way more harm then good.

    Many times rather then punishment it should be communication. As if a sub acts out so badly to need punishment there may be an underlying issue.

    Some really great points

  3. I absolutely agree with you that there shouldn’t be punishments in a adult relationship. Enjoying pain / humiliation shouldn’t be labelled as punishments.

  4. We are new to this.. I feel I understand it more as it was originally me who brought it.. I was given a punishment to write a paragraph of my Doms wording 50x within 1 hr. I was 4 shy and was told I’m getting another punishment. The writing itself was due to the Dom being very aggressive and attitude anger and I was saying that it’s not ok that they speak to me disrespectful and yet I need to fix my attitude. Although I didn’t agree I took the punishment and tried hard but physically couldn’t get there. I feel it’s becoming not a d/s it’s more controlled but I am new so I don’t know exactly how it works. Should I be second punished for something I full heartedly could not do?

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