Age Gap Relationships: FAQ

For those of you who don’t know, I am in a relationship with a rather huge age gap. There is more than 20 (though less than 25) years between me and Mr C&K. When we started our relationship, I was in my early 20s and he was in his late 40s.

Yet it works.

Inevitably, we get a lot of questions about our dynamic and how it works. So here, I am going to candidly answer as many of them as I can think of.

Everything here assumes minimum legal age of consent is met in all cases.
2. This is written from the perspective of a much older man dating a much younger woman, as that’s my experience, but most of this works for most genders.
3. TW for brief mention of DDlg kink (no details) and discussion of hypothetical death of a partner.

Okay, let’s dive in!

“Isn’t it really creepy for a much older man to be dating a much younger woman?”

My answer to this, surprisingly, isn’t “no”. My answer is “it depends”.

I don’t judge any couple based solely on the age gap between them. It’s if a much older guy exclusively or mostly dates extremely young women that my side-eye starts to creep in.

If I’m dating a guy 20+ years my senior, I don’t need to be the only exception but I really don’t want to be the rule, either. I want his dating history to be varied and filled with women of many different ages. If everyone he’s dated has been under 25, it tells me two things:

1. There’s probably some weird youth/inexperience fetishising going on.
2. He will probably be looking elsewhere before I’ve hit 30.

If he’s much older than me, I want to know that he sees me as a person, not an age. That he’d have dated me if I was 25 or 35 or 55, because he loves who I am.

In my younger years, I’ve been with men who were uncomfortably obsessed with the “barely legal” thing. I’ve been with men with virginity fetishes who wanted their women as young and inexperienced as possible. And I’ve been with men who saw me as a trophy to brag to their friends about (“yes, she’s only 19! Do I get Man Points for getting the teenager into bed!?”)

What do your family think?

They adore him, because he loves and respects me, treats me well and makes me happy. Thanks for asking.

If you’re thinking of entering this kind of relationship, this is something to consider. One or both families may well not approve. The older party’s family may view the younger partner as a “gold digger,” especially if there’s a significant wealth disparity involved.

The younger party’s family might view the older partner as a creep or a pervert. (Mr C&K says: “I mean, I am a pervert!”)

Or they might just see that you’re happy and in love and that’s enough for them. You know your family best, and ultimately you know how much their opinion matters to you. Make your decisions accordingly.

What about kids?

We don’t have any and we don’t want any.

I appreciate this might be a concern for other people in or considering entering into an age gap relationship. Only you can make that decision for yourself. I decided long ago that I don’t want children and my goal was to find a partner who felt the same, which I have done. Their age is irrelevant – what matters is that we want the same things out of our life together.

That said, I have seen age gap relationships break up – breaking everyone’s hearts in the process – because the younger party wanted children and the older party felt they were too old/had already been there and done that/was no longer biologically able to have children.

Anyone can change their minds, and you might think you don’t want kids now but then change your mind in 5 years and have a very difficult decision to make. However, that can happen in any relationship. And you may just as well end up really happy with your decision several years down the line, which has been my experience.

Do you like older men because you have daddy issues?

Nope! I have a really loving, supportive relationship with my father. No issues there at all. I’ve never actually met a woman who likes older men whose preference was caused by “daddy issues”. What does that even mean!?

Is it a money thing?

No, he’s my life partner, not my sugar daddy. (Not that there’s anything wrong with sugar relationships between consenting parties, of course!)

I have my own money and no interest in getting my hands on his.

Is it a kink thing?

About 2% yes and 98% no.

It’s certainly not a DDlg thing, that’s a very hard limit for me. As a submissive, I gravitate towards partners who give off the kind of Dominant energy that I like. I do tend to more often find this in older men, it has to be said. But it’s less specifically an age thing and more a confidence and experience thing, I think.

Mostly, though, no. Speaking of which…

So why an older guy then?

Older guys, broadly speaking, have their shit together in a way I find much easier to be in a relationship with. They’ve made all the early relationship mistakes and so are less likely to bring them in to their connection with me. They know what they want, what their likes and dislikes and boundaries are, and they know how to communicate.

This is all a sweeping generalisation, of course – I’ve fucked more than my share of “18 year old boy in a 40+ man’s body”. But the qualities I like tend to manifest more in guys with a good 10 years or more on me.

Plus, not gonna lie, I just find a lot of older men fucking sexy.

Don’t you worry that he’ll die years before you and leave you alone?

Of course I fucking do.

I worry about this… well, not every day, but frequently.

The thing is, you never know what the future holds. He could be the exact same age as me and get incurable cancer or get hit by a bus tomorrow. I, as the younger partner, could have those things happen to me any time too! But no-one ever says “don’t you worry your partner will die and leave you on your own?” to partners who are closer in age.

We never know what’s ahead, but we cannot let the fear of what might happen one day stop us from accepting the love and joy that is offered to us now. If I do lose him someday, I will be broken-hearted and devastated. But I will also be thankful for every happy day we did share. Same as anyone who loses a partner they love.

I’m going to finish with a gratuitous Rent quote, because it seems pertinent:

“There’s only now, there’s only here. Give in to love, or live in fear”.

7 thoughts on “Age Gap Relationships: FAQ

  1. 12 years between Michael and I. The children thing is not a subject for us as we both have our own children from previous relationships. I do sometimes worry about his dying and leaving me but that is because I love him so much and I can’t imagine a life without him. He says the same about me.


  2. I have been in relationships with partners that have been both younger and older then I am. I was concerned at first with the age difference between Kayla and I in the beginning but as we came to know one another as individuals that mattered less and less.

    As you stated what mattered most was treating her as an individual with respect, trust, and honesty.

    My biggest fear in our relationship is that something will happen to me and she will be left alone. I would want her to find and have happiness again and I think that is in one part why I hope that she may one day find a poly partner.

  3. To intergenerational relationship doubters, I always point out that what is arguably the most romantic love song of the 20th Century, “First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” was written by Ewan MacColl for his new love, and eventual life partner, Peggy Seeger. Peggy was 20 years younger than Ewan.

  4. I love that last quote, “There’s only now, there’s only here. Give in to love, or live in fear”. Unfortunately I think I am breaking up with my partner who is 15 or so years older than me. I haven’t noticed the age difference much of the time except for when he got really sick, that was scary. Otherwise he’s him and I’m me. No age issues. I wonder if being poly makes it easier or harder because monogamy doesn’t seem to work for lots of people, it seems.

  5. Pingback: Guest blog: The ethics of age gap relationships - About XXX

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