KATNISS: Yeah, but I’m not very good at making friends.
CINNA: We’ll see.
– The Hunger Games
In every single job I’ve ever had, and a number of out-of-work hobby things too (especially when I was younger,) I’ve been very much on the periphery of any social things going on. I’m one of those people who generally gets along with almost everyone, at a surface level, but I’ve never really had a proper Work Friend. Not in the true sense. I don’t really get invited to happy hour or Work Nights Out or whatever it is people who work in offices do when they socialise with each other. (Which, okay, I don’t really care any more – reality is I probably wouldn’t go anyway).
I was thinking about this today, and in particular about the way in which members of my work teams over the years have been (or at least seemed) super close to each other in a way they have never been to me.
My immediate thought was “I’m just bad at making friends”. Then, upon interrogating this a bit more, I realised this cannot logically be true. Because I actually have tonnes of friends. They just exist in a completely different section of my life.
When you compartmentalise your life to the extent that I do, it becomes very, very hard to build meaningful connections in spheres where you cannot be fully yourself. I cannot let my guard down or allow myself to be vulnerable when I know there are so many things about me – things that are real and huge and significant – about which I simply cannot be open. Things like this blog. Like what really went on at that party I went to on Saturday. Things like that I feel a bit off today because the polyam jealousy is biting me hard.
There’s a reason that basically every single person I have a meaningful and intimate friendship with these days is either a sex blogger, kinky, queer, non-monogamous, or some combination thereof. (My definition of “meaningful and intimate friendship” here is someone I’d invite to my wedding without hesitation, someone I’d feel okay calling up in tears if something terrible happened, someone I’d travel significant distance to spend time with). And that reason is simply that I can be fully myself around those people. My queer, kinky, slutty, polyam, sex-writing self.
I’d love to be fully, openly, aggressively out in every facet of my life. But, for a large number of good and valid reasons, that simply isn’t possible. Therefore, compartmentalising is the option that makes the most sense and brings me the most peace and happiness.
But I’m not bad at making friends. I’m just bad at forcing myself into a box in which I do not fit.
Mr CK recently pointed out that if I found myself at a kink event without him by my side, I could bounce up to the nearest group of pervs and make friends, no problem. Same at a polyam social. Thing is, he’s right. But there, I can be the version of me I view as fun and interesting and sparkly. I can connect with people in a way that is meaningful to me – through a shared love of the taboo, the transgressive, the usually hidden. In that space, I don’t have to think “they’d hate me if they knew my secret,” because I know they share the same secret.
The people I spend time with in other compartments of my life are fine, often wonderful people. But they’re not my people. And that’s A-okay with me.
Did you enjoy this post? Maybe consider buying me a coffee to help me stay caffeinated and doing the putting-words-into-sentences thing.
I find this fascinating. I started nodding as I read – especially the part about getting on well but not making those friendships. The thing is, then I stopped nodding because as someone who finds it almost impossible to approach people in social situations, my circle stays tiny. I also have the added frustration that people don’t believe me that I struggle so because I can be outgoing if I dig deep and it’s people I know.
I reckon, and I know this is an outsiders view of your social world, that you are great at making friends. You have a good group.
I’ve also never had a Work Friend, and I don’t have many (any?) close friends who aren’t partners or partner-ish – I’ve never considered the possibility that it might be because I’m afraid of being my true self, rather just thought that there was something wrong with me. Much to consider!
I have almost exactly the same experience at work and it took me a long time to understand why it was. I’m not quite as good at making friends on the kink scene as you are, I’m afraid I don’t bounce very well, but I do rather better there than I do in the workplace. It’s nice to know it’s not just me, but it’d be nicer still if none of us had to do it.