I’ve got so many posts in drafts right now, many of them intensely personal and emotionally loaded. I want to tell you all about that time I got an STI, why casual sex feels complicated for me even as it’s something I also really desire, and my reflections on fifteen years of relationships that exist off the map of societal norms.
This isn’t any of those posts. I’ve tried to finish and publish them all this week, but they’re either currently feeling too vulnerable or just not quite coming together in the way I want them to. So you’ll have to wait for those, sorry!
Instead, because I went to my local one last night, you’ve got my slightly snarky reflections on the people you’re likely to meet at a BDSM munch. For those who don’t know, a BDSM munch is a social gathering of kinky people (typically in a vanilla location such as a pub, bar, or restaurant) for the purposes of making friends and building community.
Obligatory disclaimer: this is an attempt at humour and should be read in a slightly tongue in cheek fashion. Your observations and experiences may vary.
The Host
I hope you meet this person, because if you don’t they’re probably not doing their job.
Any good BDSM munch has an active host (or team of hosts). They’ll be the people who booked the venue, advertised the event online, and maybe answered your questions if you messaged them beforehand.
Their job is to welcome newcomers, facilitate the space, maintain any rules or code of conduct, and ensure that everyone feels safe and has a good time. It’s also their responsibility to sort out any problems such as attendees overstepping consent boundaries or behaving inappropriately.
The Regulars
For these people, going to a munch is just like going to the pub with friends because the attendee list is basically their social circle. Might be heard asking after each other’s spouses, jobs, kids, dating adventures, and other Real Life Shit.
The Creep
Usually a cis man and usually a Dominant, though there are exceptions, this person gravitates towards Nervous Newbies (see below) like a moth to a flame. May particularly target new, young submissive women.
They might try to pick you up, assert a D/s dynamic where none exists, touch you, or get in your personal space without consent. Best avoided. If they overstep a line or make you uncomfortable, speak to the host or a regular.
The Ostentatiously M/s Couple
They didn’t get the memo that this is a vanilla space. Perhaps the s-type kneels at their Master or Mistress’s feet on the sticky pub floor. Perhaps the Owner bends their pet over a table and spanks them in full view of the people trying to have a quiet after-work pint at the next table. The s-type probably either speaks exclusively in the third person (“this slave is pleased to meet you”) or isn’t permitted to speak at all.
Don’t be these people unless you want to be responsible for getting the munch kicked out of the bar. Wearing a discreet collar is likely fine, full-on play in public is not.
The Social Butterfly
Hi, I’m this person!
The Social Butterfly loves people and wants to chat to EVERYONE. You’ll get their undivided attention and be the only person in the room they see… for about four minutes. But so will everyone else.
They’ll probably bounce up and give enthusiastic hugs when their friends walk in, and be one of the first people to introduce themselves to anyone they don’t recognise. Imagine a particularly sociable puppy with ADHD and you’ve got this person.
The Nervous Newbie
Maybe this is you?
They’re attending a BDSM munch for the first time and they’re not sure what to expect. Depending on their personality, they might hang back and observe or dive right in. Relax – outside of a few simple ground rules there’s no right or wrong way here. Just learn basic munch etiquette, be yourself, and if in doubt speak to the host and let them know you’re new and nervous.
The Venue Owner/Event Organiser/Pro Who is Mostly There to Plug Their Stuff
I’m calling myself out here, I might also be this person a little bit on occasion.
They run a party or conference, have their own dungeon, or work as a Pro Dom/Domme, and they’re here to network! They might be seen wearing a branded t-shirt, handing out flyers, or proudly extolling the virtues of whatever it is they’re promoting. They’ve got their spiel down to the point that it sounds totally natural and unrehearsed… until you hear them reciting it twenty more times.
The Unicorn Hunters
Almost inevitably a male Dominant with a female submissive (likely decades younger than him), these two are on the hunt for additional submissive women for the dude’s “stable.”
She will be used as bait and she might not even be into women, but just performing a safe and male-gaze-centric form of bisexuality for his entertainment. There’s a One Penis Policy (of course!) and anyone who isn’t interested in what they’re offering will be derided as a “fake.” They’ll probably come to about four events, then leave in a huff when they don’t find anyone to be their live-in housekeeper-slash-sex-doll.
The Wise Elder
They’ve been kinky since before half these attendees were born but they won’t tell you that unless you ask directly how long they’ve been in the lifestyle. And yes, they’ll probably call it The Lifestyle unironically.
They have a wealth of knowledge to impart, but they’re humble about it. They reject the label of “expert” and believe we’re all just imperfect humans learning as we go. This person has a lot they could teach you. Listen to them.
The Not So Wise Elder
They’ve been kinky since before half these attendees were born and they want you to know it. They’ll grumble about how “young people today just don’t know what REAL S&M is.” (And yes, they’ll refer to all kink as S&M unironically.)
They have a lot of knowledge to impart whether you want it or not, and most of it will be wrong. They will refer often and wistfully to The Old Guard or The Good Old Days. High likelihood that they and The Wise Elder have lowkey hated each other since the seventies.
The Dude Who is Definitely Cheating on His Wife
He’s got to be discreet. Very discreet, because he has a very important top secret job his wife definitely doesn’t know about his shenanigans. There will be a deep groove on the third finger of his left hand from a hastily-removed wedding ring. He’ll avoid any questions about his relationship status, if he doesn’t just outright lie about being single/separated/divorced/widowed/in an open marriage.
Wants to be your 24/7 Daddy Dom but can only see you from 3-5pm on alternate Thursdays because he’s very busy and important that’s when she thinks he’s playing golf with his old university roommate.
So there you have it, the people you might meet at a BDSM munch. Think I missed any? Recognise yourself in any of these? Let me know! FYI: this post contains an affiliate link.