How to Have Sex When It’s Too Damn Hot

Fucking hell, it’s hot right now isn’t it!? I don’t know about you guys, but I really struggle with having sex in hot weather. Somehow, when I’m already hot and sweaty, getting hotter and sweatier just isn’t appealing.

Just for fun I thought I’d share some of my top tips for getting it on when it’s hotter than hell outside.

Try ice play

Ice play is a form of sensation play that involves running a piece of ice over your lover’s body (or letting the ice melt in your hand and dripping the cold water all over them.)

It’s super fun as part of a kink game, because the cold is INTENSE. Some people even describe it as a kind of pain. But ice play can be a different kind of fun in the hot weather, as it can actually cool you down enough to be ready to fuck.

Play with mutual masturbation instead

If you’re both feeling horny and wanting to get off, but the idea of fucking in this heat just makes you want to melt into a puddle, try playing with mutual masturbation instead.

Wanking together allows you to enjoy a sexual connection without the exertion – or shared body heat – that comes with fucking. Mix things up by watching porn together, reading erotica aloud to each other, or dirty-talking through some of your favourite fantasies.

Put a glass dildo in the fridge

Whenever I review glass sex toys, I’m always banging on about their temperature play possibilities! But seriously, if you haven’t tried this, you really should.

Pop your glass dildo in the fridge for 15 minutes before you start playing, and you’ll be able to cool down while things heat up.

Take a cool shower together

I’m not necessarily an advocate of actually fucking in the shower, as it can be a little logistically problematic unless you’re very flexible and/or have very good balance. But taking a cool shower together can be a great sexy activity in and of itself, or can be a nice way to cool off enough to have sex.

If you are going to do any kind of genital play in the shower, remember to use plenty of lube. Silicone-based is best for this. The water washes away your natural lubrication!

How do you keep things sexy in hot weather, babes?

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Masturbation Monday: Five Places I’ve Masturbated

Backstory: I’ve lived in my current home for over 4 years. (It was Mr CK’s home before we met, and I moved here to live with him.) Shortly after I moved in, we converted the box-room into a study for me. And we just finally, as of this weekend, put up curtains in my study.

Obviously this led to jokes about masturbating in there, which got me thinking about some of the different places I’ve masturbated over the years. So I thought I’d share a little quickie with you all today about some of them.

In bed

Duh, right? Yes, I know it’s traditional, but wanking in bed will always be my top choice. It’s comfy, it’s warm, all my sex toys are within reach in the easy access basket that lives at the foot of the bed, and I can drift straight into a post-orgasmic snooze if I want to.

In my desk chair, at my computer

This is one of the earliest ways I learned to masturbate after I got my own computer for the first time. Having no real interest in porn at the time, I did however accidentally discover the joys of internet erotica.

Once I started reading and learning what all the different tags meant and where to find the good stuff, I often masturbated at my desk. I hadn’t done that for years, until this week, but now the possibility is open to me again…

On the sofa

Sometimes, if I’m too restless to sleep and don’t want to wake my partner, but not yet ready to start my day, I decamp to the sofa with a book or my phone. Scrolling through my Twitter feed on one such morning recently, I found an incredibly hot little story shared by a fellow blogger.

My sex drive has been incredibly up and down recently, so whenever it pokes its head out I like to take advantage of it. And that’s how I had a lovely slow, teasing orgasm in the early morning light before drifting off back to sleep.

In the car

No, not while I was driving! (Don’t do that.) On a couple of occasions, my partner has been at the wheel and has instructed me to touch myself while we drive somewhere together. I’ve never been able to orgasm like this, but the combined humiliation and excitement for what might happen when we get where we’re going is hot as fuck.

In a hot tub

One of my good kinky friends has a hot tub at his house, and there’s one particular jet that is known fondly as the “orgasm jet.”

I’ve never been able to actually orgasm from this kind of stimulation (believe me, I’ve tried the shower head too) but god, it feels so fucking good. I’ve spent many a happy moment positioning myself just right against this particular jet during sex party hot tub time.

Tell me some interesting places you’ve masturbated?

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The Masturbation Monday meme is run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone else is getting off to this week, and please buy me a coffee if you find my work useful! Plus don’t forget it’s #MasturbationMonth and I’m working with Lovehoney to bring you sexy content all month long.

Five Ways to Mix Up Your Masturbation Routine

If, like me, you masturbate regularly, you might sometimes feel like your masturbation routine is getting a bit stale. That just means it’s time to change things up! The good news that there are loads of things you can do to keep your solo sex time interesting.

Try some of these suggestions…

Experiment with different kinds of touch

Do you always touch yourself in much the same way? Try experimenting with touching yourself in different places, in different ways, and at different speeds and levels of pressure.

Don’t just go straight for your genitals. Try touching your nipples, inner thighs, stomach, arms or anywhere else that feels good.

Take your time, and pay attention to your body’s authentic responses.

Read some new erotica or watch some new porn

No judgement if you always gravitate to the same scene or the same story to get yourself off! But trying out some new erotic stimulus can be a great way to keep yourself out of a masturbation rut.

Try joining a feminist porn site or checking out some new sexy erotica. Keep an open mind and you might be surprised what turns you on!

Treat yourself to a new sex toy

Do you always masturbate with your hands or with the same toy? If you can, treat yourself to a new toy that intrigues you. Sex toys are one of the best ways to experience a world of different sensations all by yourself.

Try a powerful wand, a rumbly bullet, a silicone stroker or a prostate massager… or whatever most takes your fancy!

Try a new lube

If you’re not already using lube for your masturbation, give it a go! Lube isn’t just for partnered sex and it isn’t just for people who struggle with dryness. Lube keeps everything slippery wet and friction-free, making for a more fun and pleasurable experience. It can also add different sensations, keeping your masturbation routine varied.

I recommend a high quality water-based lube for beginners, but you can also experiment with silicone lube (don’t use this with silicone toys), oil lube (not latex barrier compatible), or warming and tingling lubes.

Have phone or cyber sex

If you have a lover you don’t live with, this one is easy. But if you’re single and feeling brave, there are chat sites, cam sites and phone sex lines you can use to enjoy sexy chat with another person while you get yourself off.

Remember: tip well if you’re using a paid site, and never give out any personally identifying details!

What have you done to mix up your masturbation routine?

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The Masturbation Monday meme is run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone else is getting off to this week, and please buy me a coffee if you find my work useful! Plus don’t forget it’s #MasturbationMonth and I’m working with Lovehoney to bring you sexy content all month long.

Masturbation Monday: Media Myths About Female Masturbation

I’m a woman, and I love wanking! What I don’t always love, however, is the weird narratives that surround the topic of female masturbation. Here are some of the most persistent ones I really wish would go away.

Remember: not all women have vulvas and some people with vulvas aren’t women!

Most women don’t masturbate (or only do it very rarely)

Come on, we all know this is bullshit by now, don’t we? Newsflash: the overwhelming majority of adults of all genders masturbate at least sometimes. According to a survey by Tenga, American women masturbate an average of twice per week.

Of course, some do it much more often, and some much less. It’s all normal and it’s all cool!

Female masturbation is a full-on romantic night in for one, complete with candles and bubble baths

I’m absolutely not knocking it if this is your thing. You do you! But media depictions of women wanking tend to enormously overplay this one very specific vision of it.

I think this plays into sexist “women don’t like sex, women like romance!” tropes. Nope. Lots of women like romance. Lots of women also like orgasms. And sometimes the two go together, sometimes they don’t. Either way, based on the conversations I’ve had (and I talk about wanking with my friends probably more than your average person,) the number of women who masturbate this way is actually pretty tiny.

Confession: I am twenty nine years old and I have never once in my entire life masturbated in the bath.

Women only masturbate if they can’t get a man

Leaving aside all the heteronormativity of this, it’s ridiculous to suggest that the only time a woman would want to masturbate is if she cannot access partnered sex.

There are many great reasons to masturbate, whether you have a partner or not. Stress relief, pain relief, to help you sleep, to show yourself love and affection, or just because it’s fun! I firmly believe people in relationships should maintain a sexual relationship with themselves if they wish.

Masturbation isn’t a sign of not being able to “get” a partner. It’s also not a sign that a sexual relationship isn’t satisfactory.

Women masturbate by penetrating themselves with absurdly enormous objects

My masturbation probably involves vaginal penetration less than 5% of the time. Take out the times when I’m explicitly testing a penetration-based sex toy, and it’s probably more like 1% of the time.

I enjoy penetrative play with a partner. Very occasionally I’ll go for it by myself. But really it’s all about the clit. and I know I’m not alone in this! A lot of people with vulvas enjoy vaginal penetration, of course. But for the overwhelming majority of vulva-owners, the clitoris is the key to orgasm.

For those of us who do sometimes or always use penetration as part of our masturbation routine, it’s usually with regular dildos (which can range in size from small to somewhat large) rather than the absurdly enormous rubber dongs you see in porn.

(Again: no judgement whatsoever if penetration with extremely large objects is your jam. I’m just saying it’s not anywhere near as typical as media portrayals would have us believe.)

Only weirdos and sex addicts own sex toys

According to that same survey, around a third of American women own a sex toy. (This may be somewhat biased by the sample chosen, of course – a survey of my friends would reveal that near 100% of people of all genders own a sex toy or seventeen!)

Sex toys are awesome and everyone who wants to should experiment with them, both alone and with a partner! Owning a sex toy doesn’t say anything bad about you. It says that you’re a sexual human being and a badass who owns their pleasure unapologetically.

Also, sex addiction? Not. A. Thing. So let’s leave that myth to die, shall we?

Women don’t like porn

Women are – are you sensing a theme yet? – individuals with individual preferences! Some women like porn, some don’t. Some women like more softcore porn, others like hardcore kinky shit. Many women like their porn visual, while others prefer to read erotica.

There’s an enormous spectrum of tastes, they’re all valid, and they’re not determined by gender.

What myths about female masturbation (or any masturbation) do you wish would die already?

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If you enjoy this piece and my work, please consider buying me a coffee to help me keep this space going! This post also contains affiliate links. This post is part of the Masturbation Monday meme, owned and run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone’s getting off to this week!

Easter Sex Toys (and their Chocolate Pairings)

Just for a bit of fun, I thought I’d bring you all an Easter Sunday round-up of appropriately seasonal sex toys and some recommended chocolate pairings to go with them.

Share your own in the comments!

The Come Hither Rabbit

The only Easter Bunny you’ll ever need, this is simply the best rabbit style vibrator I have ever used!

Pair it with… a timeless classic, such as Cadbury Dairy Milk.

Buy it.

Lovehoney Happy Rabbit

Does anything say Easter more than happy rabbits? This whole range is super cute and well designed, but I’m all about the Thrusting Rabbit.

Pair it with… something fun and playful. A friend on Twitter suggests Galaxy Cookie Crumble.

Buy it.

Mantric Love-Egg

This one was recommended to me by one of my lovely vegan followers. It’s a waterproof and body-safe insertable egg vibrator which is rechargeable and comes in eco-friendly, recyclable packaging.

Pair it with… some tasty vegan chocolate! My friend recommends NoMo.

Buy it.

Tenga Eggs

Tenga Eggs are affordable, single-use (or few uses, if you’re careful) masturbators, great for penis owners looking to spice up their solo or partnered playtime.

Pair it with… what else? A Creme Egg! The ultimate Easter one-bite treat.

Buy it.

Lovehoney Desire App-Controlled Love-Egg

For those who enjoy a taste of luxury, this swish and swanky app-controlled egg vibe is a lovely Easter treat! It’s also suitable for long distance use, for those of you who are not able to spend Easter with your partner(s.)

Pair it with… some really fancy, high-end chocolate. Personally I’m obsessed with Booja Booja.

Buy it.

What are you consuming – and playing with – this Easter, babes?

Masturbation Monday: Five Fantasies

For today’s Masturbation Monday, I thought it might be fun to share a few of the things I most commonly think about when I’m wanking. My fantasy life is broad and varied, but a few themes crop up again and again. So these are the five scenarios that most frequently feature in my fantasies.

TW: mention of degredation play, objectification and playing with non-consent.

Extreme orgasm denial

Hi, if you’re new here – this is my main, ultimate, One Kink To Rule Them All! It frequently goes to places in fantasy where I’m not sure I’d want it to go in reality. Long-term denial, enforced chastity, only being allowed ruined orgasms for weeks or months, and being tied down and edged until I cry are all common themes (okay, maybe I actually do want that last one!)

Cuckqueaning

I have a theory that we often eroticise the things we’re most emotionally afraid of. For me, that’s being left for somebody else or my partner liking somebody more than me. So why does the idea of being forced to watch my partner fuck someone else, while I’m not allowed to join in and I’m mostly kind of ignored, arouse me so much? It definitely plays into the orgasm denial kink, and it definitely plays into my humiliation kink. Beyond that? It’s a mystery.

Gang-bangs

Well, group sex in general, but gang-bangs have a very specific place in my fantasies. I don’t know if it’s the idea of being used that gets me, or the idea of a whole room full of people who desire me… I think possibly both. Either way, the idea of just being fucked, one person after another after another, is a recurrent fantasy that I sort of hope I might get to make real someday. (With trusted friends in a controlled setting, obviously.)

Objectification

Objectification can take many forms. Being loaned out as property for others to use at my partner’s whim, being used as fuckable furniture, and being talked about as though I weren’t there are all recurring fantasy-fodder. The key is that I want to feel like an object, like what I want doesn’t matter and I’m just there to service others or be decorative.

Consensual non-consent

This is the type of scenario where I say no, but ultimately the person does what they want anyway. It particularly works for me if it’s accompanied by the sense that they know I want it really, because I’m a little slut who just wants to be fucked. As a survivor, playing with CNC with a trusted partner is part of how I’ve reclaimed my agency over my body after what happened to me.

So there you have it – a little sneak peek into the workings of my strange, horny mind. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go masturbate…

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Masturbation Monday is a meme created and run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone else is getting off to this week! If you enjoyed this piece, please consider buying me a coffee to show your appreciation… or join my sexy patron community on Patreon!

How to Write a Killer Swinger Dating Profile

Whether you’re just starting out in swinging, or have been around on the swinger sites for a while but are not having much luck, you might be wondering how to write the absolute best swinger dating profile you can.

For the purposes of this post I will assume you’re looking for play partners as a couple, but most of the advice works just as well for singles and polycules, triads and groups as well. Read on for a few tricks and tips to help you!

Be honest!

I can’t overstate the importance of honesty! It’s no use saying that you’re 6 feet tall if you’re actually 5’7″, pretending to have tonnes of experience when you’re actually brand new to the lifestyle, or – and yes, I’ve really seen this – pretending to be a couple when you’re actually a single person. Not only is it usually really obvious, lying will be an absolute deal-breaker for most people.

Being honest doesn’t mean you have to be self-deprecating. If you’re struggling to describe yourself in positive terms, try writing descriptions of each other to go on your profile. You’ll be amazed how many sexy things your partner will have to say about you!

And if you’re inexperienced, just say so. Most people won’t mind. Try something like this: “We’re just dipping a toe in right now, so please be gentle with us! We’d love to meet a sexy couple for fun, laughs and maybe a trip to a swingers’ club.”

Write in full sentences and check your spelling and grammar

No-one is expecting your swinger dating profile to be a literary masterpiece, but making an effort is important. Triple-check it for obvious typos and spelling errors before you hit “submit.” Break up your sentences with punctuation and use paragraph breaks to make your content easier to read. If you’re not skilled with words, ask a trusted friend to give your profile a once-over.

Don’t use your genitals as a profile picture

Swinger sites are about the only place in the internet dating world where I’m going to tell you that posting pictures of your genitals is okay. But don’t use them as your main profile picture, please! Put them in your gallery! And limit the number – my rule of thumb is that no more than 1 in 10 of your pictures should be a close-up of genitals.

Your main profile picture could be your faces (if you’re feeling brave,) a clothed body shot, a tasteful nude, or a picture of something that reflects your personalities.

Talk about what you can offer, not just what you want

Nothing is more of a turn-off than a profile from a couple who have clearly not thought beyond what they want us to do for them. By all means, state what you’re looking for, but remember to show what you can offer too.

Sex, whether in a long-term monogamous relationship or a swinging context or anything in between, should be a mutual exchange for the enjoyment and benefit of everyone involved. This means viewing your partners and potential partners as full human beings, not fantasy-fulfillment machines.

In practice, what this means is that posting your super lengthy, scripted scene idea to your profile is likely to scare a lot of people off. As is posting an absurdly specific description of your imaginary “third.” Instead, talk more broadly about the kinds of people you’re looking to meet, and give plenty of information on what you can offer.

Try this: “We’re ideally looking to meet other couples within 10 years of our ages or at a similar life stage. With us you’ll find an educated, friendly and kinky pair who are just as happy enjoying good wine and excellent conversation as getting down to some fun in the bedroom.”

Keep the judgemental comments to yourself

You’re allowed to like what you like. But shaming others for not conforming to your tastes makes you look like a jerk. I’m fully aware that some people won’t want to sleep with me because I have body hair and am carrying a few extra pounds, and I am at peace with that – but it’s still upsetting every time I see my body-type described as “disgusting” on a swinger dating profile. If someone isn’t for you, scrolling on by or replying to their approach with a polite “thanks, but not for us” is all that is required.

Similarly, you might not be into any kind of kink or BDSM – and that’s absolutely fine! – but describing other peoples’ kinks as “freaky shit” is rude.

Being responsible is sexy

When I’m browsing swinger dating profiles, those who mention their sexual health testing regime or that they always use barriers go straight to the top of the list!

Pro tip: don’t use “clean” to describe yourselves as being free from STIs. This language is stigmatising and STIs aren’t dirty! Try “we test every three months and last tested negative for everything on [date.] We use barriers for… [insert your protocols here.]”

If you do have an STI, such as herpes or HIV, it’s important to be upfront about this, too. Don’t be apologetic – there’s nothing wrong with living with one of these conditions! Just briefly mention it as a fact of your life and state how you manage it. I’d personally much rather have sex with someone who is (for example) HIV-positive and knows their status and can take the appropriate precautions than someone who hasn’t tested in a decade and insists they “just know” they’re negative.

Offer something of yourselves beyond the sexual

It’s great that you have an 8-inch penis or F-cup breasts, that you eat pussy like a champ or give the best blow jobs in your state… but that’s not everything! Most people in the swinging community want to meet human beings they can connect with (even if the connection is brief,) not walking sex machines.

So talk about what you’re into! You don’t have to get extremely deep and personal at this stage. Try something like “we love fine dining and would love someone to show us the best restaurants in town,” “our hobbies include board games, 80s B-movies, and salsa dancing,” or “he’s a gym-bunny and loves to run, she’s more likely to be found with her nose in a book!”

The key is to let your sparkling personalities show through!

This post was sponsored by Swingtowns, the world’s largest non-monogamous dating site. Join up now – it’s free! All opinions are, as always, my own.

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Masturbation Monday: 5 Great Reasons to Wank

I’m trying to embrace the spirit of Masturbation Monday as being for both smutty stories (things that make you want to masturbate) and essays about masturbation. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about good reasons to wank – besides the obvious “because I’m horny” – and have realised they are surprisingly diverse. So here’s five great reasons to masturbate today!

To help you fall asleep

I masturbate before bed probably five or six nights out of seven, on average. If my brain is feeling restless or my body won’t quite shut down but I need to get some sleep, a quick wank is an ideal way to help me doze off. Canadian sexuality therapist Judith Golden explains that ” because blood pressure is lowered and relaxation is increased through the release of endorphins, masturbation is a good sleeping pill.” (Source here.)

For pain relief

Back before I got an IUD, I used to suffer from absolutely debilitating menstrual cramps. They could render me virtually bedridden, unable to go about my normal tasks. Over the years, I learned that orgasm was one of the few things that really helped.

One study from the University of Münster in Germany found that 60% of their participants experienced reduced migraine symptoms as a result of engaging in sexual activity. Stefan Evers, MD, believes that this could also have to do with the endorphins released at the point of orgasm. Another study from Rutgers University found that people with vulvas could tolerate up to 75% more pain than usual during orgasm. (Source here.)

There’s much more research to be done, of course, but so far the findings seem to agree that orgasm can have a positive impact on pain levels.

To pick you up if you’re feeling down

I always joke (darkly) that I know I’m depressed if I’m masturbating more often to help me feel alive… and really depressed if I just don’t want to wank at all. Seriously, though, despite outdated nonsense about too much masturbation being bad for our emotional wellbeing, masturbation can be great as a tool for managing mental health. It’s a great self care technique, a way to show yourself some love and affection, and I’ve found that the post-wank haze breaks through the depressive fog like little else.

Phychologist Jennifer Rhodes, PsyD, suggests that “masturbation helps to release dopamine and oxytocin, the feel-good chemicals, which would help with symptoms of anxiety or depression.” (Source: here.)

To turn your partner on or to explore a different kind of sexual intimacy

Let’s get a little sexier, shall we? For many people, masturbating in front of their partner or watching their partner wank is sexy as hell. Masturbating for your partner can help to arouse them and get them in the mood for sexy time with you, as well as giving them vital information about how you’d like to be touched.

Don’t forget that masturbating together doesn’t have to lead to sexual contact with the other person or to intercourse. Masturbating side by side, or masturbating while your partner holds you, kisses you, or talks dirty to you, is sex in and of itself – and it can be amazing! Whether one of you isn’t in the mood but is happy to help the other get off, one or both of you isn’t up for sex for physical or mental health reasons, or you’re just feeling like a relaxed session of getting yourselves off, shared masturbation is consistently underrated. Try it!

To learn more about your body

It’s a sex education cliche, but it’s also true that it’s much harder to show a partner how to please you sexually if you don’t know how to please yourself. Masturbation is a brilliant way to explore your own body, your arousal and responses and desires, in a safe and low-pressure way. Whether you’re not having partnered sex yet (or don’t want to ever!) or have been having regular sex for decades, there are endless new things we can learn about ourselves. This is especially true because our bodies change as we age.

Jenny Block writes that “masturbating allows you to stay in touch with your body – how it feels, how it likes to be touched, what brings you pleasure. Your body is yours. It’s your place, your home, your pleasure. It is your right and honour to enjoy it. Sharing it can be a wonderful thing. But if we don’t masturbate, we risk becoming someone else’s vision of ourselves and not remaining true to our desires.” (Source: Block, The Ultimate Guide to Solo Sex, p. 85.)

Have you found great reasons to wank beyond the obvious one? Tweet me or share in the comments!

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Masturbation Monday is a meme owned and run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone else is getting off to this week, or check out all my previous MM stories and essays! If you enjoyed this story, please consider buying me a coffee or joining me on Patreon. Every single £ helps keep the blog going!

Six Ways to Be More Fierce

“And though she be but little, she is fierce!”
– William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream

This is possibly my favourite quote in all of Shakespeare, but what does it mean to be fierce? I took to Twitter and asked my brilliant followers what they thought. The answers were, as always, brilliantly insightful and brilliantly diverse. The themes that came up again and again were power, confidence, sass, self-love, and taking no shit.

So let’s explore some ways you can bring more fierceness into your life.

Strive to give fewer fucks what people think

Living true to yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself in life. If other people don’t like it, fuck them. Are you striving to be a decent person, operating with compassion and consideration for others? Then go do your thing! People will always find something not to like. You don’t have to dwell on it. That’s a them problem.

Stop apologising

Many people, especially women and those socialised as women, have a deeply ingrained tendency to apologise when they really shouldn’t. When something is actually your fault? Sure, apologise then. But in all other situations, and especially where someone else has actually caused you harm or inconvenienced you? Stop fucking apologising. When an apology is about to fall out of your mouth, pause and count to five and ask yourself if it’s really, truly warranted. 99 times out of 100, it won’t be.

Take up space

Whether it’s physical space with your body, emotional space with your thoughts and feelings, or air space with your voice, you deserve to take up space. You deserve to exist in the world without having to make yourself smaller for anyone else’s comfort.

Call people on their bullshit

Calling someone on their shit is one of the most liberating things you can do. I don’t mean start yelling at people for every perceived infraction. But if someone does something that legitimately pisses you off, stand up for yourself and say “no.”

Don’t let someone talk over you

If you’re talking and someone cuts you off or tries to talk over you, speak up if you can. That annoying dude in the meeting who always tries to butt in when you’re making your point? Shut that shit down! Practice the phrase “Bob, I was still speaking” in advance if you have to.

Wear something that makes you feel like a badass

Whether it’s lingerie, a super sharp suit, head to toe latex, your favourite t-shirt or nothing at all, give yourself the gift of putting on clothing that makes you feel your most amazing, powerful, fierce self. Even if you’re not going anywhere, you could snap a few amazing sexy selfies.

What makes you feel fierce?

Today’s post was brought to you by Lovehoney‘s new Fierce collection, gorgeous lingerie and fetish-wear for every body from a size 6 to a size 26. This post contains affiliate links.

#IWillBeFierce

Ten Tips for Getting the Most Out of Fetlife

Ahhhh, Fetlife.

Love it or hate it, the “Facebook of kink” is still the absolute number one place to be on the internet if you’re a kinky person who wants to interact with the BDSM and fetish community outside of your bedroom.

But if you’re not careful, it can be a bit of a cesspit. Here are my top ten tips for getting the most out of Fetlife.

Fill out your profile

You really need to fill out your profile if you want to use Fetlife to help you build a community. You don’t have to post an essay, but “I dunno just ask me” or “I hate talking about myself” do not constitute a profile.

Tell us whatever it is about yourself that you’re happy to share. For starters, try: how long have you been on the scene, what does kink mean to you, what your relationship(s) look like, and what you’re looking for. You could also include an outside-of-kink hobby or interest or two!

Choose your role carefully

There are tonnes of different role options you can choose from. Of course there’s the ubiquitous Dom/Sub/Switch, but there’s also Kinkster, Hedonist, Pet, Brat, Daddy, Princess, and many more. Choose the one that best suits you (and, if you want, say something about what it means to you in your profile!) Remember you can always change it, too, so don’t be afraid to swap things around as you gain experience and change as a kinkster. I wrote a deeply personal post last year about the different role descriptors I’ve used over the years.

Consider your location

The running joke is that there are more kinksters in Antarctica than people, because so many Fetlife users put “Antarctica” as their location to avoid revealing where they really live.

If you need to conceal your location, I’m absolutely not judging. Please do what you need to do in order to be safe! But if you can, consider putting your actual town/city or at least somewhere close to it. (Or a general area, like your state or county.) This makes it easier to connect with people who live near to you, and also means you’ll get event recommendations based on your location. (Not many dungeon parties in Antarctica, funnily enough!)

Say what you’re looking for

In your profile header, you can pick “What I’m Looking For” from a dropdown menu. Options include everything from “a Master/Mistress” to “a lifetime relationship” to “Events” to “Friendship.” You can choose more than one. Consider carefully what it is you’re looking for and be honest here! Saying you’re only looking for friendship or events won’t entirely stop the creepers from messaging you, but it will cut down on it. If you say you’re looking for a romantic, sexual or kinky partner, it’s a really good idea to delve further into what you’re after in your profile (or by using the “Writings” feature.)

Read profiles before messaging!

I really cannot emphasise this enough. Please read someone’s ENTIRE profile before messaging them – and pay attention to what it says. My profile states very clearly that I have no interest in submissive cis men and that they should not under any circumstances message me. I still get an average of one “HeLlO MiStReSs CaN i LiCk YoUr BoOtS?” type message per day. I also say I don’t add strangers as friends, and yet the random friend requests still flood in. Read a damn profile, and heed what it says. You are not the exception.

Message respectfully

So you’ve read someone’s profile and they’ve sparked your interest enough to want to make a connection. The first message can really make or break things here. Don’t go in with sexual content straight away (yes it’s a fetish site, but there are human beings on the other end of your message!) Don’t make demands, make assumptions of roles (this means no calling someone Sir, Mistress, Daddy, slut, slave or any other kinky title without consent!) or ask people to meet straight away. Do at least a cursory check of your spelling and grammar (graduate thesis level perfection is not expected but making an effort is nice.) Don’t wall-of-text. Don’t ask someone to meet straight away. Just… be a friendly, normal, respectful person.

Join groups

There are literally thousands of groups on Fetlife! These operate as discussion forums based around topics. Many are for specific kinks or fetishes (for example, Spanking, Orgasm Control or Needle Play.) Others are based around a specific geographical location, or even a specific event (Attendees of Fetish Fest 2020, for example.) There are even non-kinky groups where you can just discuss a topic of mutual interest! I’m in book groups, health and fitness groups, groups for people who are childfree-by-choice, and many more. Pick a few interests and join groups.

Read and obey group rules

All groups have rules governing the kind of content that is allowed in them. Many, for example, will specify “no personal ads” (cruising for dates/play,) “no advertising” (commercial or business content or advertising your event,) or even be limited to a certain demographic (such as under 35s, women, or LGBTQ folks.) Disregarding group rules is likely to get your posts deleted and may even get you kicked or banned from groups. It also wastes moderators’ time, annoys group members, and makes you look like a dick. Just read the rules and follow them.

Don’t pay too much attention to Kinky & Popular

Ugh, Kinky and Popular. This page highlights posts (photos, videos and writings) which have garnered a lot of attention in a short space of time. No-one is 100% clear how the algorithm works, but that’s the gist of it. The thing is, K&P is mostly full of what can best be described as “vanilla porn” – videos of fairly heteronormative, vanilla sex acts and nude pictures of skinny, young, normatively attractive white girls. Which are fine if these are your thing, but they’re not really what most people go to Fetlife for.

K&P also generally makes people who don’t fit into these narrow beauty standards feel shit about ourselves and our bodies. There are occasional K&P writings that are absolute gems, but you have to weed through a lot of crap to get to them. Just ignore K&P is my advice. Kink isn’t a popularity contest.

Reach out to community leaders and prominent figures

See someone who looks like they’re a leader, event organiser or prominent and respected person in your local community? Reach out to them! Amongst all the crap in my inbox, I love receiving the “I’m new to the scene in [place where I live,] saw you’re pretty active and wondered if you’d be willing to be a friendly face at [the munch next Tuesday/Bob’s party on Friday night/the next Peer Rope workshop] as I’m a bit nervous” type messages. Community leaders become community leaders because we love helping people and helping the scene to thrive. Reach out. Be polite, be respectful of their time, and be specific if you can in what you’re asking.

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