Tag: 30 days of Ds

Hands holding a steaming cup. For a post on tasks and rituals in D/s

Five Tasks and Rituals that have Nothing to do with Sex

Published on by Amy

Quickie-post today, dear readers, because I am up to my face in PhD research proposals. Today’s prompt in 30 Days of D/s is about tasks and rituals: the little things you do to help you feel more submissive or more Dominant, to “bring you back to your mental, emotional and even physical D/s space.”

These things can often be sexual. In my previous D/s relationship, my tasks included things like rolling a dice and edging that number of times. There were times when he instructed me to wear Ben-wa balls to work every day, or to go to the grocery store without panties every day for a week.

These sexual tasks are all well and good, but D/s isn’t always about sex. Sometimes you just want to feel Dominant or submissive without your genitals involved. Here’s a few ideas for tasks or rituals and have nothing to do with sex.

1. Text (/call/email/message) at a specific time each day

This is especially good if you’re long distance or don’t live together. Simply texting “good morning, Sir,” “goodnight, Pet” or some other variation on a daily touching-base can be surprisingly powerful.

2. Making their drink

I used to always make my ex-Master’s tea and then serve it to him in a specific way. Learning how your Dominant likes their drink and serving it to them is a lovely, affirming submissive action for the service-oriented among us.

3. Write a journal

Loads of Dominants task their submissives with journalling regularly. Whether this is open to your D-type to read or entirely personal is up to the two of you. It’s a great way to get to know yourself, explore your desires and experiences within the relationship, and check in with yourself to make sure you’re happy and functioning.

4. Eat or drink something specific

Massive disclaimer to maybe avoid this one if food is a trigger for you or you’re recovering from any kind of eating disorder. This could be something really simple like “drink 2 litres of water a day” or “eat a piece of fruit after dinner,” but it can be a nice way for a submissive to feel like they’re doing as they’re told and a Dominant to feel like they have a hand in their submissive’s health and wellbeing.

5. Repeat a mantra

You can do this to yourself in the mirror, to your partner, or even on your kinky social media if you like. Try something like, “I am beautiful and Sir loves me,” or “I am proudly owned by my Mistress”. Whatever works for you and your relationship!

I hope you find some inspiration here! What tasks and rituals do you use in your D/s relationship?

Kinky item of the day: remote-controlled vibes! Want to get your sub hot and bothered on the bus, gagging for it in the grocery store or worked up at work? These beauties have got you covered!

Heads up: this post contains affiliate links. Buying from my affiliates supports the blog and I promise to never recommend a product I don’t 100% stand behind.

A padlock with a heart locked to a fence. For a post about 24/7 D/s

3 Things I Learned About Myself In My 18 Months as a 24/7 Submissive

Published on by Amy

Today in 30 Days of D/s, Kayla and John ask about 24/7 relationships. In a nutshell, this is a relationship where the power exchange is a permanent and pervasive part of the relationship. Essentially, the people in the relationship are “in role,” to a greater or lesser extent, all the time.

In my last relationship, I was a 24/7 submissive for a year and a half (collared for a year.) Even though that relationship was really unhealthy for me and I’m not in the 24/7 lifestyle any more, I still think I learned valuable lessons. Today I want to share some of those lessons with you.

Symbolism is really important to me

I’d been submitting to my partner more or less exclusively for months by the time we made the 24/7 thing “official”. Even so, writing and signing the contract and later having a collaring ceremony were really significant steps for me. They solidified what we were doing and they gave me a peg to hang my understanding of the relationship on. I couldn’t wear my collar 24/7 (professional job, y’all!) so having a day-collar (in our case it was a silver bracelet with a little lock-and-key charm) was very important.

Symbolism and ritual matters to me. It matters a lot. The act of creating intention together and naming it, whether simply to each other or in the presence of other loved ones, gives me a feeling of love, security and safety. Having a physical reminder of my connection to someone helps with the feeling of “home” that I value in a hopefully-lifetime relationship.

I’m DEFINITELY a Switch

I love submitting and I’m still much more towards that end of the spectrum. However, I also definitely have a Dominant side and she gets grouchy if she doesn’t get to come out to play every once in a while. Not getting to Switch at all for about 2 years made me miss the hell out of it.

I’m not cut out for the 24/7 lifestyle

Yep… the biggest thing I learned in the course of that adventure into 24/7 power exchange is that I’m not cut out to live in a power exchange 24/7. Some of you are probably thinking this makes me less submissive, and the only thing I can say to that is that I think you’re wrong. When I choose to submit, I do so deeply and with my whole heart. It’s a beloved place I go back to time and time again and feel bereft if I’m away for too long. I just don’t live there.

You know the problem with wishing for what you want is that you might actually get what you want? Yep. I longed for 24/7 D/s and for quite a while I was on cloud nine of joy. When the reality set in, though, I chafed under the rules. I wanted to be able to step out of that role sometimes. Sometimes, I didn’t want to say yes Master, no Master, three bags full Master… I wanted to say you’re being an idiot, knock it off, and by the way I’m having a wank tonight whether you like it or not.

But I wanted it so much that I had to experience it to realise that maybe I don’t want it after all.

Tweet me your thoughts on 24/7 D/s. Have you done it? Would you do it again? Why or why not?

Kinky item of the day: ballet boots! (Not an affiliate link.) I love the hell out of these. They are, of course, utterly impractical on every level. But I think the inability to move far in them is part of the appeal, don’t you?

If you enjoyed this post, you can support by buying me a coffee!

A bunch of dead roses. For a post about a D/s break-up

“Bring the Collar:” The True Story of a D/s Break-Up

Published on by Amy1 Comment

I don’t want to write this post. I really don’t. I’ve been mulling it over all day and a huge part of me just wants to go, “oh fuck it” and write a generic “how to get over a break-up” listicle.

But I feel like that’d be a cop-out. Today’s 30 Days of D/s prompts is all about break-ups, and to be honest I’ve been inspired by Kayla’s amazing raw honesty in telling the story of her own D/s break-up a few years ago. So… here goes nothing, I guess.

15.05.2015

Realistically, I knew we were breaking up. Our relationship had disintegrated beyond repair now I’d finally, a good five years too late, begun to stand up for myself.

We were to meet in the park. Neutral ground. The stated aim: to have the make-or-break conversation. My true intention, though: to escape as quickly as possible with my head held high and my dignity intact.

All of this to say, dear readers: I knew it was over. It was overer than over. That relationship, like Marley, was dead as a doornail.

Still, it was three words on a text that broke me into pieces and tested my get the fuck out resolve to its limit.

“Bring the collar.”

Of course, I’d known he would want it back. That was in the contract. The Contract, to love and protect on his part. To love and obey on mine. Worth less, in the scheme of keeping us together, than the notepaper it was written on. But even so, this was the moment it sunk in. Master is releasing me. He doesn’t want me any more.

My subby heart broke then. I’d thought I was as good as over it – mentally checked out of the relationship I was technically still in. I’d mourned the man I’d loved, come to accept he’d never been real and this monster who now stood in his place had been him all along. The guy who told me I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever known, one perfect night in a student dorm room when I was nineteen, and the man who looked me in the eyes five years later and told me I was poison, were one and the same person.

But as his submissive, I’d tried so hard to please. To obey, do everything he said, shut my mouth and look pretty and never take up more space than my little allotted corner. A toy isn’t supposed to complain when it’s tossed aside once playtime is over.

What I felt then, when I kissed the little silver lock of the collar one more time and handed it over to him while I tried not to cry, was that I’d failed. He’d thrown it at me plenty of times over the preceding weeks, while whatever was left of our love dripped down the drain. Bad sub. Not really submissive. Disobedient. If you’d just shut up and do as you were told, we’d be fine.

For years, I’d twisted myself until the core of my identity was being his. I wrote him a poem in the early days. In it, I said, “You are life. You are oxygen. You are everything.” My blood and breath. My heart and soul. More myself than I am.

What I know now, and wish I’d known then, is that I wasn’t the one who failed. I was just a young girl who got thrown into a lion’s den too complicated and fucked up to comprehend, and then spent years trying to tame the most vicious, dominant lion while he snapped and snarled at her heels.

He was the one who failed me. He promised too much, delivered too little, broke me down too hard. I gave love, loyalty, obedience, absolute devotion, and what I got in return was emotional devastation, over and over and fucking over.

In that moment, I saw him as he was. All my idealistic, teenage bullshit fell away and I saw a man who could never love me. A man who can, in all likelihood, never truly love anyone. In that moment, I took myself back. I gave him back his collar but I took back my agency, my power, my life.

You’re not my blood and breath. I am.

I belong to nobody. I am free. And I am happy.

No kinky item today. This is too raw to add anything to it. If you want to help with my ongoing therapy bills, just hit the buy me a coffee button!

A blanket and hot drink. For a post about subdrop

Stop the Drop: 25 Things to Do When Subdrop Feels Overwhelming

Published on by Amy8 Comments

Subdrop is real. As Kayla says in today’s 30 Days of D/s prompt, what goes up must come down. Subspace is a kind of high, fueled by adrenaline and endorphins and all kinds of happy-fuzzy brain chemicals.

Subdrop is what can happen when those chemicals wear off and reality sets back in. For some, it can be as soon as the subspace high has ended, while for others it can hit a day or even several days later. A lucky few may not experience it at all. Everyone is different. I most often drop somewhere between 12 and 24 hours after an intense play session, though it has been known to be quicker.

Drop looks different for everyone. You might feel sad or depressed. You might cry a lot. Some people report feeling really listless or now on energy/”spoons“. When you’re in the middle of it, it can be overwhelming and completely horrible.

Not everything on this list will work for everyone. Pick out just one or two that speak to you and try them. Here’s 25 things you can do to help when you’re dropping.

Amy’s Top 25 Subdrop Remedies

  1. Cuddle someone/something! Your partner, a friend, a stuffed toy, your pet.
  2. Make your favourite hot drink and sip it slowly, noticing how it tastes and letting the cup warm your hands.
  3. Eat some chocolate or whatever your favourite sweet treat is. Not enough to make you feel sick, just enough to give you those feel-good chemicals.
  4. Cook yourself a simple, healthy meal and enjoy eating it slowly. Something with protein and vegetables.
  5. Watch your favourite film or an episode of your favourite Netflix show. Something lighthearted is better.
  6. Write in your journal.
  7. Post to your blog, if you have one.
  8. Share how you’re feeling on your kinky social media of choice. Sympathy and virtual cuddles from friends who get it can be surprisingly cathartic.
  9. Listen to a comedy podcast or watch some stand-up. Laugh until your tummy hurts.
  10. Curl up under a cozy duvet with a good book or a magazine.
  11. Meditate. There are thousands of free guided meditations on Youtube, or try the Insight Timer app.
  12. Masturbate! Orgasm can perk you up no end.
  13. Go for a walk. Preferably somewhere out in nature, but to the shop at the end of the street and back will work in a pinch.
  14. Sit in your garden, if you have one, or a nearby park. Fresh air is important.
  15. Buy yourself something, if you can afford to. This could be as elaborate as that dress you’ve been lusting after for months, or as simple as a fancy coffee.
  16. Tidy up your room or work space. I always feel better and more clear-headed when my safe spaces are neat and tidy.
  17. Take a bath or shower. Spend as long as you like luxuriating in the hot water. Use your most decadent shower gel or that fancy bath bomb you’ve been saving.
  18. Play loud, upbeat music. Optional extras: sing along loudly, dance around your room for the length of a song or two.
  19. Call someone you miss. Your mum. A grandparent. Your best friend in another city. Just pick up the phone, say hi and catch up.
  20. Create something. Whatever your creative talent is, use it. Play your instrument, bake a cake, write a page of your novel, knit a few rows of your latest project.
  21. Take a nap. Even an hour of shut-eye will help recharge you a little.
  22. Exercise. Hit the gym, go for a run, or do some yoga. Moving your body releases tension and clears your mind.
  23. Get your hair cut or your nails done. No drastic changes! But a bit of pampering can really raise your mood and make you feel good about yourself.
  24. Just sit with the feeling. This is a mindfulness technique. Sit, feel, and think: I am feeling rotten right now because I am subdropping, but I know this feeling will soon pass and I will be okay.
  25. Do something for someone else. Whether it’s a chore that’s normally your partner’s but they’re super busy today, or getting shopping for an elderly neighbour, caring for others takes you out of your own head.

I hope some of these techniques are helpful to you, dear readers. How do you banish the dreaded subdrop when it hits?

Kinky item of the day: Bondage candles! Ever tried wax play? It’s one of my favourites and it doesn’t have to be painful – it can be really sensual. Please only buy candles designed for this purpose, as regular household candles can burn much hotter – especially if they have dyes or scents added. Remember to take fire safety precautions and start slowly if you’re new to wax play. I’m obsessed with this rainbow penis candle because how could I not be?

The above is an affiliate link. If you buy through it or any of my affiliates, it supports the blog. All opinions are and will always be my own.

A woman in a mesh dress and handcuffs. For a post about sub frenzy

So You’ve Been Told You Have Sub-Frenzy?

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Sub-frenzy is the topic of the day in my #KinkMonth 30 Days of D/s series, and goodness I have a lot of feelings about this one. (I have a lot of feelings about a lot of things. Had you noticed?)

Hey there, newbie. I’m going to write this piece to you as I wish someone had written it to me, when I started out in kink close to a decade ago. I want to tell you the things I wish I’d known.

So maybe someone has accused you of having “sub-frenzy?” Or maybe you’ve been cautioned by your new kinky friends that this “frenzy” is something to beware of and avoid?

What is sub-frenzy?

Kayla Lords defines sub-frenzy as  “a moment that happens for new submissives, or submissives in new relationships, where they get a little intense about their submission, sometimes to the detriment of their own safety.”

Sub-frenzy can manifest in a variety of ways, from being willing to play with anyone who offers to wanting to call your new boyfriend “Master” RIGHT NOW TODAY. But in a nutshell, it’s such a desperation to submit that common sense and self-preservation fly out of the window.

How will I know if I’m in sub-frenzy?

Are you a new submissive, or a submissive in a new relationship? (Particularly after a period of little or no play?)

Are you so desperate to submit that you’d probably kneel for a brick wall if it would just smack your ass and call you a naughty girl?

Have you played with, or are you tempted to play with, Dominants you barely know just to get the submissive itch scratched?

Have you given, or are you tempted to give, your submission to the next randomer who messages you on Fetlife?

Are you making, or are you tempted to make, decisions that may be detrimental to your health, safety or mental wellbeing out of desire to submit?

Do you feel like you might just GO MAD if you can’t submit to someone right now?

If you said yes to any of the above, you might be in sub-frenzy.

What is this ‘frenzy’ crap? Don’t good submissives want to submit all the time?

No.

Good submissives are not doormats. Real talk time: being so desperate to submit that you make poor decisions is not only really dangerous, it’s also really unattractive to good Dominants.

If you’re looking for a long-term D/s relationship, a good Dominant will want to take time to get to know you and build a relationship with you. Even if you’re only after casual play, desperation isn’t sexy.

Okay, I’ve realised I might be a bit frenzied. What now?

Stop. Pause. Breathe.

Are you breathing? Okay, good. Now, I’m going to ask you to do something that is going to seem really, really antithetic to what every fibre of your being is screaming to do.

Wait.

Seriously. Just stop and catch your breath and wait. The best way to let frenzy pass is to acknowledge it and consciously decide not to give in to it. Give yourself a time-limit, if you want. “I am not going to play with anyone knew until I have been going to munches for three months” works well, or “I am not going to let my next partner collar me until we have known each other for at least a year.” You know yourself and what kind of timescale is realistic. Very broadly, in my anecdotal experience, frenzy will probably pass in more than a month but less than a year.

Frenzy is normal and it passes. I promise. But in order to keep yourself safe, you need to practice discipline and patience.

How can I scratch the itch to submit in a safe way?

Join your local community. Please. Meet some people, get to know them, get a sense of who the safe players are. If you meet someone you’d like to play with, do so in a public place like a play party to begin with.

Watch some good BDSM porn. Write and read erotica. Fantasise. Wank furiously. Read everything you can about the lifestyle and learn, learn, learn. (Fifty Shades of Grey and the Gor novels do not count.)

How will I know when sub-frenzy has passed?

Your desire to submit, though still there, will be somewhat less visceral and immediate. You’ll be able to think through situations with a clearer head and make decisions with your own best interests at heart. You won’t want to fall to the feet of every vaguely Domly person you meet. You’ll know some of the red flags of a dangerous Dominant to look out for, and the signs of a good one.

Good luck. This too shall pass.

Kinky item of the day: A leash! I loooove leashes. Nothing makes me feel more submissive than being led around by my Domly one. You can buy beautiful ones like the one linked, but if you’re on a budget buying one in the pet store is fine. (Remember: be discreet or you risk involving the store staff in your kink non-consensually!)

Was this post helpful to you? The best way to say thanks is to buy me a coffee, or shop through my affiliate links.

Two people having sex. For a post about sex in BDSM

It IS [Mostly] All About the Sex

Published on by Amy1 Comment

For today’s #KinkMonth post, it’s all about SEX! As you’ll have gathered (unless this is your first visit, in which case – welcome!) I’m doing posts inspired by Kayla Lords’ 30 Days of D/s. Today, Kayla asks:

Have you ever considered D/s without a sexual component? Would you be interested in something like it? How important is sex to your current or future D/s relationship?

So when it comes to me and kink, there is one fundamental thing you need to understand:

I do it because it gets me off.

For some reason, it seems to be a thing to deny that BDSM is mostly, or entirely, about sex. And for some people, this is probably true. But, if I’m completely honest, I’m a bit sick of it.

For me, kink and BDSM are, and always have been, overwhelmingly about sex. Yes, they’re means of connecting with people I love. They’re sometimes spiritual. But for fuck’s sake, the vast majority of the time, I do this stuff because it makes my pussy wet and gets me off.

People have tried to divorce BDSM entirely from sex. I am willing to entertain that there are some people – folks at the far end of the Ace spectrum, for example – for whom this is the case. But at its core, I do believe it’s fundamentally a sexual or sex-adjacent practice 99% of the time.

I don’t fuck everyone I scene with, but I do get turned on during pretty much any good kink interaction. It’s part of my pre-negotiation with new partners: “you don’t have to do anything about it, but you need to be okay with the fact that if we have a good scene, I WILL be aroused.”

What’s wrong with sex anyway?

We live in a world where it’s pretty hard to admit that something we do is mainly or entirely about sex. Sex is not seen as a good enough reason to do something – there has to be a higher purpose, a better reason.

Confession I’m seriously not proud of time: pre-20, I was really judgy about people who have casual sex. “I only have sex when I’m in LOVE,” I proclaimed loudly, as if it made me better than other people. Thankfully, I 1) grew the fuck up and stopped being a judgemental bitch, 2) learned the awesomeness that is good casual sex.

A lot of polyamorous people – and yes, I used to be one of them, much to my embarrassment – go around saying “it’s about LOVE, not SEX!” This often goes hand in hand with, “we’re not SWINGERS!” The problem with this is that it implies being a swinger is a bad thing, that love is inherently superior to sex, and it neglects the fact that sex is a hugely important part of romantic love for a lot of us. In this way, people who are ostensibly part of the sex-positive community fall into sex-negative and sex-shaming patterns.

It’s easy to do and I sympathise with it. We’re taught, more or less from birth, that sex is bad. Dirty. Gross. That sex is only “when mummy and daddy love each other very much and want to have a baby.” A huge part of sex-positivity and the sex-posi movement, in my view, is about unlearning these toxic narratives and trying to do better.

Real talk: I don’t have an IUD to control my period (though that’s a nice side effect.) I have it for birth control.

For evidence of pervasive anti-sex sentiment, see also: “I use birth control for reasons that have nothing to do with sex, like controlling my painful periods.” Again, for a lot of people with uteruses (uteri?), this is entirely true and it’s completely valid.

However, lots of us DO use birth control for sex, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Saying that it should be freely available BECAUSE it has uses that aren’t sexual is really problematic. It should be freely available because it’s a normal part of healthcare, and lots of people like sex while also liking not being pregnant.

Let’s all just admit that some things ARE about sex

My challenge to you, and to myself: next time you find yourself wanting to defend a part of your life or identity with “it’s not about sex!” …Stop. Think about it. And resist the temptation to jump to this defense. Because sometimes, it is about sex. And there’s not a damn thing wrong with that.

I’ll leave you with my favourite quote from the great Oscar Wilde: “Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”

Kinky item of the day: Condoms! If you engage in penetrative sex or share toys in non fluid-bonded relationships, you need condoms to keep things sexy and safe. Buy 2 packs for 20% off.

Heads up: this post contains affiliate links.

Some beers on a table. For a post about benefits of going to a munch

Six Benefits of Going to a Munch (Apart from Finding Partners)

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Munch: a social gathering of BDSM enthusiasts, usually in a setting such as a pub or restaurant.

Today’s post is, once again, inspired by Kayla Lords’ 30 Days of D/s and is part of my #KinkMonth series. Kayla and John ask:

Today, think about whether you think you’ll find a munch, a club, or a party. Have you done it in the past? What was your experience? Are you nervous or shy? Explore your feelings and consider whether the local community is a viable option for you.

Kinky communities are awesome! I’m thankful constantly for all the things that BDSM community has brought to my life – “finding partners” really being the least of it. So today, in no particular order, six things you’ll find when you venture out into your local kink community.

You’ll make friends

Everyone likes friends! I’ve got friends I think will probably be lifelong who I first met at munches. Kinksters, generally, are a friendly bunch and we love helping newbies find their feet.

The key here is to treat it like you would any other situation with new people. Ask people about themselves, their work and hobbies, even whether they’ve seen any cool films or read any interesting books lately! Be prepared to share a little of yourself, too. Overly intrusive sexual questions are not acceptable, even at a munch, but you may find the conversation goes into sexy or kinky territory quicker than it might at a different kind of gathering. Take your cues from the room.

You’ll build a solid reputation

So much of kinky social standing is built on reputation. People want to play with, and be friends with, people who are well thought of. Be friendly, be kind, be open and honest, respect others, respect consent in all things, and be a safe player! All these things get noticed and the next time that cute person at the Club wants to play with you, they’ll ask around and be told you’re a solid person who others trust.

You might get invited to better parties

The key to getting invited to the awesome private parties is to make friends with people, and be a genuinely cool person who others want to be around. This one isn’t going to happen overnight, but be your shiny self and make friends, and you may soon have an awesome new kinky social life

It’s a safer way to vet people

If you’ve met someone you might like to play with, meeting at a munch or going to one together is a safe, low-pressure way to get to know someone. And if you haven’t met anyone but would like to, getting to know people on the scene gives you a pool of local people to ask if your Mr or Ms or Mx Right really is as great as they seem!

You’ll learn things

They won’t even all be kinky things! Broadly speaking, kinksters are a smart bunch and geekier than your average bear. We love to enthuse about our “thing” and share our knowledge. Open your mind, listen, and you might just have some amazing conversations.

Kink-wise, too, a munch is a great place to access a wealth of information from your fellow kinksters. If someone mentions something they’re into or knowledgeable about, and you’re intrigued or curious or just exploring that thing yourself, ask them about it!

It’s a safe place to be yourself

As kinksters, we often live on the fringes, which means we’re super accepting by and large. With us, you don’t need to hide your geekery or your nerdy hobbies or your slight social awkwardness or your passion for XYZ niche topic or even your penchant for getting suspended upside down and flogged!

You can wear whatever you want (within reason – keep it acceptable for public!) and present your gender and sexuality however you like. You can be you, and you’ll be accepted.

What have you found to be the benefits of kinky community, dear readers?

Was this post useful to you? How about buying me a coffee to say thanks? <3

A woman sitting with her head in her hand looking stressed. For a post about keeping things sexy during hard times

Keeping Your Sexy Going When Times Are Hard

Published on by Amy2 Comments

We all go through hard times in our lives. It’s part of being human. Today’s prompt from Kayla Lords’ 30 Days of D/s, which I’m working from for #KinkMonth, is all about maintaining kinky fuckery in a relationship when times are tough. She asks:

Does it surprise you that you might not maintain the same level of D/s during the stressful times? Do you think you know how you’ll handle your relationship when it does?

Now, I’m a person for whom sex is very important. I have (arguably, depending upon who you ask) an above-average drive and sex is a really important part of intimate relationships for me. This doesn’t change when times get stressful. It just means I have to be a bit more creative to make sure that I continue to prioritise sex in my life.

Here’s some things that have worked for me. Maybe they’ll help you, too, next time “life” gets in the way.

Make dates with your partner

If you have a partner or partners, schedule dates and stick to them. During this time, make a rule that you won’t answer your phones, check email or discuss the current stressful topic. Instead, whatever you enjoy doing together, do that: make some tasty food, order in, watch a film, take a walk, share a hot bath. Relax and practice being present with and grateful for each other. This is less about “scheduling time for sex” and more about carving out time for your relationship and making sure you stay connected to each other. Do this, and the sex should follow.

Make dates with yourself

Whether you have a partner or not, making time for yourself is important. Put “Me Time” in your Google calendar if you have to! A minimum of one four-hour block a week is ideal if you can do it. During this time, you should only do things that feel good to you: read a good book, watch your favourite TV show, surf the internet guilt-free, go for a run, cuddle your pet, write in your journal. Whatever feels good. During this time, give yourself permission to do things like watch porn, read erotica, fantasise and masturbate if you want to. Again, this isn’t about “scheduling time to jerk off” – it’s about freeing up time and space to focus on yourself and give yourself permission to feel good.

Explore erotic energy without penetration, or orgasm, necessarily being the goal

When was the last time you and your partner just had a heavy make-out session that didn’t necessarily lead to any kind of genital contact? What about the last time you shared a sexy shower, gave each other massages, or even just casually hung out naked because you could? Erotic, sexual and intimate energy can take many forms and we’re so accustomed, once we get into sexual relationships, to rushing straight into genital-focused sex with orgasm as the assumed end goal. When times are hard, it can be the ideal time to explore other types of touch, connection and intimacy. If your brain won’t switch off long enough to let you reach climax, or your cock isn’t getting hard when you want it to, this can be a beautiful way to maintain a sexual connection with your partner and yourself.

Biology comes first

This is so basic, but don’t underestimate the power of trying to sleep 8 hours per night, drink plenty of water, eat well, and get plenty of exercise and fresh air. These simple rituals of taking care of yourself can completely transform how you feel. None of us can have sizzling sex when we’re exhausted or malnourished.

Get a change of location for stressful subjects

I have been known to do it at times, but generally I really prefer not having conversations about difficult topics or current stresses in mine and Mr CK’s bedroom. This is because our room, for me, is a place for cuddles, restful sleep, and… sex. I understand being able to do this is a privilege and not everyone has that ability. For me, though, a change of location – ideally to a pub, coffee shop or even just taking a walk – for talking things through can help to keep the stress out of our sexy space. Even having hard conversations in the living room instead of the bedroom can be useful.

Give yourself permission to NOT want sex

This might sound counter-intuitive, but it’s actually really, really important. Nothing will kill your libido faster than beating yourself up for the times when you DON’T want to have sex! It’s okay to not want to have sex sometimes, whether that’s due to tiredness or work stress or depression or the fact that you’d really rather just watch Netflix. Beating yourself up makes the very idea of sex into a stressful and painful topic. Giving yourself permission to not want sex sometimes also gives you permission for the times you do want it.

I hope some of these ideas will be useful to you the next time you’re having a hard time but would like to keep getting your sexy on. You’ve got this. I believe in you.

Kinky item of the day: Gags! I adore gags. What about this large ball gag, which is silicone – meaning it’s non-porous and will stay hygienic for longer?

FYI, this post contains affiliate links. If you buy through it, I may make a small commission. This does not affect my opinions which are, and will always be, my own.

A train station platform, for a post about doing kink long distance

Kink from a Distance: How We Did It Before We Lived Together

Published on by Amy

Mr C&K and I were lucky: we were only in a long-distance relationship for just under a year. We were also close enough to make seeing each other at weekends possible. As long-distance love goes, we definitely had it on the easier end of the spectrum. That said, there were times when it was really difficult, and the constant traveling was exhausting and expensive. Moving in together was a challenge in its own right, but neither of us missed the sight of Megabuses or train station terminals or the M1.

One of the challenges of living apart, especially in the early days, was maintaining a sexual connection when we couldn’t just fuck each other’s brains out whenenver we wanted. We’re not a 24/7 D/s couple, but in reality he’s usually the Dominant and I’m usually the submissive.

This post is part of my #KinkMonth series, inspired by Kayla Lords’ 30 Days of D/s, where today’s prompt is all about maintaining D/s when you’re apart. Today I want to share with you a few of the tricks we used to keep our sexual connection sizzling and have kinky fun when we weren’t in the same place.

Sexting

I love sexting. I love the anticipation when the other person is typing. Tap-tap-tapping out my fantasies, planting filth into their mind with my words. The delicious collaboration of building a sexy story together. The vulnerability, tempered with the distance created by this medium of communication. I especially love the way I can save the words, read them back as many times as I want and, let’s be real, wank to them furiously later.

We sexted at least once a week, and sometimes a lot more, in our first few months together.

Skype/phone sex

Skype and phone sex is a bit like sexting, only more immediate, more visceral. You can hear the other person’s words, hear their voice catch when you say something that really gets them, hear them gasp as they touch themselves.

We fell in love through late-night calls and Skype calls and illicit phone sex. Later, when we were officially together, we used it to maintain our connection across the miles. Hearing his voice in my ear wasn’t as good as being able to reach out and touch him, of course. But it was a damn good substitute.

Orders and accountability

In the long-distance days, I’d often get orders from Mr as I was going about my day. He’d text me, next time you go to the bathroom, take a sexy picture or go and edge three times. I would report back, tell him I’d done my task, and hear what a good girl I was. Sometimes, I’d need to send him a picture as proof. Obeying his orders and having a sense of accountability, even from a distance, kept me both red-hot for him and feeling the submissive feels I craved.

Planning and negotiation

One of the things that was surprisingly effective in keeping our kinky connection going was using the time we were apart to plan and negotiate for future scenes. Talking limits, boundaries, ideas, possibilities and future plans for all the pervy sex we were going to have helped to build anticipation and excitement. So by the time we actually came to do the things, we were both amped up and raring to go. Efficient and sexy!

What do you do to keep the sexy, kinky fun going in your long-distance relationship?

Kinky item of the day: a long-range, app-controlled vibrator like the Lovense Lush. Just hand the controls over to your lover via the app. Then they can have their way with you whether they’re right beside you or on the other side of the world.

Several wooden spoons. For a post about pervertables

5 Pervertables You Probably Have in Your House Right Now

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Hey, did you know October is Kink Month? Join the conversation over on Twitter!

Pervertables are basically innocent everyday items, reimagined for naughty and devious purposes. As today’s 30 Days of D/s prompt is all about pain, I thought I’d tell you a few of my favourite household pervertables for sadomasochistic purposes. They’re great if you want to get your kink on but you’re on a budget, if you want to try a new sensation without blowing loads of cash, or if you find yourself somewhere without your toybag and want to have some fun.

Clothes Pegs

Clothes pegs are amazing! Plastic ones with soft pads on the teeth tend to be a bit less vicious, whereas wooden ones are often more pinchy. This can vary enormously so do test them sneakily on your finger before buying if you can.

Use them on nipples, labia, clits, cocks, or most sensitive fleshy areas (keep away from the face and neck.) Try putting a line of clothes pegs along your masochist’s back, tying them all together with string or twine, and pulling them all of at once. (Don’t surprise someone with this the first time you do it – it’s quite intense and not for everyone. Consent, y’all.)

Pro tip: if you leave them on for more than a few minutes, they’ll hurt like a motherfucker when you take them off. This goes for any type of clamps.

Wooden Spoon

Arguably the ultimate household spanking implement, wooden spoons deliver a surprisingly sharp whack. Much like with canes, the pain comes in waves – initially when the blow hits, and then a few moments later as all the nerves fully register the impact. Implements like this are pretty safe when used on fleshy places like butts, though do start slowly and gently. You’d be surprised how much one of these can hurt!

Hairbrush

Traditionally associated with over-the-knee spanking, hairbrushes remain ever popular hitty implements. Different sizes, shapes and materials feel really different. Make no assumptions, build up slowly and communicate lots with your partner about how it feels. One brush will not feel the same as another. Use the back of the brush (i.e. not the bristles) and bend your sub over the bed or your lap for a delicious sexy spanking.

Ice

Ice is brilliant! You can run it over the body for a cold tease, press it to a nipple or clit, trail icy droplets over them, or even put a small piece of ice into the vagina (make sure they’re well lubricated first, or the ice can stick. Not what you want!)

Ice play doesn’t have to be painful and can be quite sensual, but it definitely can be painful if that’s what you want. Typically, ice in very sensitive places will become painful quite quickly. You could also try pressing it to one spot for a few seconds. Don’t let your partner get too cold, though – get them dry and warm after ice play.

Ginger

At some point I’m going to write a whole post on figging – the practice of sticking a piece of peeled ginger up someone’s butt. But for now, just believe me when I tell you, that shit is INTENSE. The best description I can come up with is that it’s a fiery burning sensation.

Some people love it, some hate it. If you’re curious, give it a go, but don’t expect to be able to keep it in long… and remember, the burning can take a little while to fully settle down even when the ginger is removed. (On my first experience, I had some discomfort for about an hour afterwards, which settled down a lot when I took a really thorough shower.)

Kinky item of the day: They’re all listed above! Go forth, pervert innocent objects, and don’t forget to tell me your favourite pervertables in the comments.