collars Archives - Coffee & Kink

5 Awesome LGBTQ-Owned Businesses You Should Know About This Pride Month

Published on June 18, 2023June 18, 2023 by AmyLeave a comment

Happy Pride Month, beautiful readers! As I’m writing this, I’ve got a progress pride flag hanging out of my window facing my very conservative street and no doubt pissing off my very conservative neighbours. We love to see it. I was thinking about what to do to mark Pride Month on the blog this year, when this idea came to me: I want to share some amazing LGBTQ-owned businesses with you all.

Rainbow Capitalism is a real problem at this time of year. Companies turn their logos rainbow coloured and stick pride flags on all their merch for 30 days and think they’ve done enough, while totally failing to actually support the LGBTQ community in any real way.

One easy way you CAN support the LGBTQ community, whether you’re one of us or an ally? Spend your money with queer-owned businesses where you can. Here are a few you might want to know about!

Scarlet in Chains

I adore Scarlet in Chains and always love seeing them at my favourite fetish market. I own two of their pieces, a gorgeous collar with a purple crystal and a limited-edition rainbow one from a previous Pride collection.

Scarlet in Chains creates jewellery and accessories from stainless steel chain. Their work is strong enough for kink, and allergy-friendly thanks to hypoallergenic 304 and 316 stainless steel chain. As everything is handmade, they are fully inclusive – no matter your shape, size, or mobility, they will adapt their designs to suit your needs.

Scarlet in Chains is owned by couple Sophie and Drew, and started its life when Drew designed the Valkyrie collar as an everyday piece for Sophie. The chain bra soon followed, and friends started seeing the designs and wanting their own. “Now we get to take our stall to amazing places like Download Festival, which I was going to as a jewellery student back in my teens… never in my wildest dreams did I think 30-something me would be back with my own stall with my wonderful wife and the best festival crew in our amazing friends Krystal Peeks and Noctifera Creations!” says Sophie.

As a trans woman and intersex woman couple, Sophie and Drew have a unique perspective on how to design for a variety of body types and how to assist in affirming and enhancing the identity of the wearer. “We also regularly consult with our customers of different identities, too, so we can see how our designs can help them feel more themselves,” Sophie says.

Scarlet in Chains has a Pride range available all year round. “We like to think our work helps people celebrate who they are all year round, so our Pride range is always available… and if we don’t have your flag, just ask and we will do our best to create it!”

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Bosk and Blossom

Bosk and Blossom is a kinky woodworking business dedicated to “bringing a unique new aesthetic to people’s toy collections.” Owner L makes wooden spanking paddles and play knives by hand in a light, airy style with beautiful colours and often decorated with floral and plantlife motifs.

“The kinky toybag is almost stereotypically dark, heavy, intimidating colors and materials. I have nothing against that – my own toybag is all black and dark red tones, thick leathers and dark woodstains or steel, and I’ve got some gorgeous pieces – but that meant there was an opening I could explore for people who aren’t necessarily attracted to that aesthetic,” says L. “There are a few niches in kink that allow for items that might be considered cutesy, frilly, colorful, dainty, elegant, soft, etc, but impact and edge play aren’t usually those places, so I decided to go there.”

Bosk and Blossom paddles are made of a light wood that is then white-washed even further, and finished off with a colorful floral design burned in. The play knives are a mix of various wood species in a spectrum of colors. They have a convincing edge and point, but are much safer than real knives.

Bosk and Blossom’s customers say that they love the look of these pieces that are more typically feminine and whimsical than the traditional “old boys club” kink aesthetic with all its associated cisheteronormativity and toxic masculinity. “I think of my work as challenging a cishet masculinity status quo in kink,” says L. “I love knowing there are people of all sorts with all different aesthetic styles entering their dungeons, swinging around paddles covered in pink and purple flowers and getting the exact same results as if they stuck to the traditional styles and colored within the lines of gender norms to make sure they look “tough.””

Personally, I’m desperate to get hit with a pretty paddle with a flower engraved into it. Sign me up!

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The Radical Celebrant

Have you ever felt as though your lovestyle wasn’t represented in the types of celebrations and ceremonies traditionally available to you? Vicky, AKA The Radical Celebrant, provides celebrant-led ceremonies where “poly love and family is recognised and celebrated, where kink or BDSM lifestyle ceremonies are understood, and where queer love of all kinds is centred.”

Whether you’re after a wedding, commitment ceremony, collaring ceremony, memorial or celebration of life, or naming ceremony (either for a child or for a trans or non-binary adult reintroducing themselves to their family), your ceremony will be unique and built from the ground up to reflect who you are.

“I’ve been a celebrant for a while, but found that it was hard to see poly, kink and BDSM, and alternative or less mainstream queer relationships centred in the wedding (and funeral) industries,” says Vicky, who came out as queer at 17 and has been an activist and ally for as long as she can remember. “Why shouldn’t our relationships shouldn’t have the opportunity to be centred in the same way? Why should we have to settle for fudging and hiding our relationships and identities to fit into a prescribed mould
for these things?” The Radical Celebrant was born from this desire to offer celebrant-led ceremonies
for people whoever they are and however they live and love.

“I believe that I should be doing this year round, and in every month and not just in June. Pride in ourselves, our identities, our relationships and out love is at the heart of what I do – every day of the year!” Vicky says. The Radical Celebrant is offering naming ceremonies for trans and enby people free of charge at the moment, and dreams of setting up a “ceremony tent” at Pride one of these days!

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The Gay Glass Stall

If you read my recent post about the fabulously femme things I wore to Eroticon, you’ll have seen my gorgeous sapphic pride necklace from The Gay Glass Stall. This company, run by owner V and her sister, sells handmade fused glass items (coasters, jewellery, homewares, and decorations) in an astonishing 40+ different LGBTQ pride flag colours. They’re constantly expanding their range and can even custom-make things for you.

“Our coaster stands all carry a 2-3 sentence explanation of the meaning of each flag,” says V. I absolutely love it when people thank us for educating them and leave knowing far more than they did when they
arrived. Seeing their faces light up when they find ‘their’ flag is also lovely.” She adds, “one recent occurrence impressed on me just how important a stall such as this is. A lady came up to the stall, saw a particular flag and burst into happy tears saying, “I thought it was just me, I didn’t know that how I feel is
actually a real thing.” Moments like that make all the hard work (and punctured fingers) worth it!”

The Gay Glass Stall started life as a ‘vanilla’ glass business. After adding some LGBTQ+ flag themed items to the stock, people started requesting pieces in their own flags. The business was named by the local LGBTQ+ young people in V’s hometown of Rochester in Kent, who started referring to it as “The Gay Glass Stall.”

The Gay Glass Stall believes that pride in one’s identity should be a constant thing, not just for June. They’re appearing at many Pride events throughout the summer and also trade regularly at fetish markets such as the Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar.

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Snake Shed Art

This one is really different and fun! At Snake Shed Art, owner AJ makes jewelry and decor using real snake shed. This doesn’t hurt the snake and is something that pet snake owners usually just throw away when they clean out their snake’s enclosure. All AJ’s shed comes from pet snakes and every piece is labeled with the name and species of her snakey co-artist.

AJ started doing snake shed resin art back in 2016. She was volunteering for an exotic animal shelter at the time, and they wanted unique items that visitors could take home in exchange for a donation. The shelter closed in 2019, but AJ loved making the snake shed pieces so much that she decided to open her own Etsy shop. She now makes ornaments, pendants, pins, earrings, and many more.

Snake Shed Art releases a Pride collection every year at the beginning of June, but the shop is stocked with Pride items all year long. AJ tries to represent a wide range of identities and finds that items with the asexual flag are particularly popular.

The 2023 Pride collection has just been released. This year’s new items include pronoun rainbows and super-cute polyam heart keychains as well as pendants, earrings, and more. There’s currently a 20% off sale on all Pride items, including custom order requests in case your preferred Pride colors or pronouns aren’t in stock.

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Header image for a post about kink in public

Kink in Public: Is it Okay and How Can You Do It Safely?

Published on November 6, 2021March 4, 2022 by AmyLeave a comment

A lot of people have exhibitionism kinks, meaning they get off on the idea (or reality) of doing sex and/or kink things in front of other people. But is this something you can do? Is it something you should do? The short answer is yes, but you need to be careful and considerate if you do choose to go for it.

Consent Matters

Consent to sex and BDSM extends to anyone who will witness it. And this means that random members of the public should not be seeing your activities, since they have not consented to do so.

In some spaces, such as swing clubs and kink dungeons, consenting to be there means consenting to see certain activities that fall within the rules of the space. So if you want to get your exhibitionist on, consider going to one of these spaces so you can do so in a safe, controlled, and consensual way with enthusiastically voyeuristic participants.

Remote Control Sex Toys

One way to play subtly in public spaces is to use wearable, remote control vibrators such as the Lovense Lush or We-Vibe toys. These toys are generally quite quiet, meaning that you can safely use them in spaces with a decent level of ambient noise. Plus if people hear something vibrating with no other context, they’ll likely assume it is a mobile phone ringing.

Obviously, you’ll need to keep your facial expressions and responses under control if you want to do this.

Check out my Lovense Ferri review, We-Vibe Chorus review, and Lovense Lush review for some inspiration for remote control sex toys you can use.

Subtle Protocols

Many kinky and D/s couples continue their dynamic in public – without violating anyone’s consent – by implementing protocols that people would not associate with kink without additional context. Easy examples include the submissive always walking on a particular side, the submissive carrying the Dominant’s belongings for them, or the submissive going to the bar to fetch the drinks as an act of service.

These are just a few ideas. Use your imagination and come up with subtle kink protocols that work for you.

Day Collars

I have mixed feelings on the subject of wearing obvious BDSM collars in public. On the one hand, we all get to wear the things we like on our own bodies, and many collars could plausibly pass for simple chokers. On the other hand, a collar can still be a fairly obvious symbol of a power exchange dynamic. You must decide for yourself where you fall on this. I used to wear my collar in public when I was in my former 24/7 relationship, but I probably wouldn’t do so now.

Fortunately, you can get subtle or completely vanilla-looking day collars. Mine used to be a bracelet with a little lock and key charm. Some look like simple necklaces. Your “day collar” can be a necklace, bracelet, ring, or something else entirely. I even know people who have a tattoo as their day collar, though obviously this requires an enormous degree of commitment and certainly!

Wear Something Your Dominant Chose

An easy way to feel submissive all day long? Ask your Dominant to choose your outfit for the day (or even an aspect of it, such as your underwear). Kayla Lords has written before about having her Dominant partner choose her panties for the day when they were long distance, and I think this is a great idea!

Receiving Tasks by Text

If you’re out and about away from your kinky partner, why not experiment with sending and receiving tasks by text (or email, messaging app, or communication system of your choice). These tasks can be sexual (“next time you go to the bathroom, take your knickers off and put them in your bag”) or completely vanilla (“drink a glass of water in the next half hour”). This is a great way to feel connected as you go about your days, and does not risk involving any non-consenting participants in your dynamic.

This post was written as part of Smutathon 2021! You can check out all our work and learn more about the challenge on the Smutathon website. Please consider donating to this year’s charities, Gendered Intelligence and Trans Lifeline.

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[Kink Product Review] Bondage Boutique Glow-in-the-Dark Collar and Lead

Published on June 18, 2021March 4, 2022 by AmyLeave a comment

This month I’ve partnered with Lovehoney to bring you a series of reviews for Sex In Full Colour in honour of Pride Month. I’ve been reviewing bright and colourful toys. Today we’ve got something a little different: a glow-in-the-dark collar and lead set from the Bondage Boutique range!

Vegan Leather Collar and Lead

Bondage Boutique is Lovehoney’s own brand line of affordable bondage and BDSM gear. While I’ve liked some pieces from the range more than others, they’re generally pretty solid quality beginner-friendly pieces. The new glow-in-the-dark range includes a blindfold, a silicone ball gag, a pair of cuffs, a flogger, a paddle, and this collar and lead set.

The Bondage Boutique Glow-in-the-Dark Collar and Lead set is made of vegan-friendly faux leather. As you might be aware, I have mixed feelings regarding real leather so it’s great to see more and more alternatives being offered. The collar and leash feature a black central stripe surrounded by two stripes that are white in daylight, and glow luminous green in the dark.

It’s really hard to get a picture of it in the dark with the mediocre camera I have, so here’s one from the official product page:

BDSM collar and leash glowing in the dark

The collar and leash are connected by a 35.5″ chain which can be unclipped from the D-ring at the front centre of the collar. The leash features a looped handle in matching black and white faux leather. Comfortable to hold and convenient for keeping your pet close to you!

The product copy says this collar is “submersible” but honestly I wouldn’t recommend getting it wet. Splashes won’t do it any harm, but I wouldn’t wear it in the shower or swimming pool.

Look and Style

The black-and-white look of this collar is just unusual enough to be eyecatching, but also means it will work with most outfits. The aesthetic isn’t either particularly masculine or particularly feminine (in my opinion), so it can potentially work for a wide array of different gender expressions.

Kinky collar and lead set BDSM toy in vegan leather

The glow-in-the-dark effect is fun and quirky. You’ll never lose your submissive in a dark sex dungeon again! Overall, this collar looks stylish and understated in the light, then fun and playful in the dark.

You tell me what you think, but I think it looks really cute on me!

Woman wearing a BDSM faux leather collar vegan leather

Make and Quality

One of the things I like about the Bondage Boutique products is that they generally provide well-made items for a fraction of the price you’d pay for bespoke kink gear. While I love a high-end piece as much as anyone, it’s vital that beginners and kinksters on restricted budgets have access to safe, quality toys.

The Bondage Boutique Glow-in-the-Dark Collar and Lead set appears well made and robust. The stitching is neat and strong, and the hardware pieces are securely fastened to the faux leather. You can safely tug on your submissive’s collar or leash without any worry about damaging them. (Obviously be very careful – this collar isn’t delicate, but necks are!)

Fit and Comfort

The Glow-in-the-Dark Collar and Lead set is fully adjustable. The collar features 7 sizing holes and you could probably add another easily enough with the right tool. But it measures 20.5″ in total length and will fit the vast majority of neck sizes as it is.

I found this collar comfortable and enjoyable to wear. The material is soft and flexible and doesn’t irritate my skin. The band is narrow enough that I can wear it comfortably for hours without it affecting my posture. (I have intermittent neck and upper back pain, and collars that are too wide can exacerbate it if I wear them for too long.)

From a comfort perspective, the only downside is that the material doesn’t really “breathe” so my neck gets very sweaty after a while. If you’re wearing it in a warm environment, you might want to take it off for a few minutes occasionally to let your skin breathe.

Verdict: Enjoy Your Glow Up

This is a really cute, fun, and versatile collar and lead set. It’s also well made, strong, comfortable, and should last you a good long time. Best of all, it retails for an incredibly affordable £14.99 ($19.99 US).

Don’t forget that you can get 10% off at Lovehoney with the code “coffkink10” at checkout!

Thank you to Lovehoney for sending me this item to review. All views, as ever, are mine. This post contains affiliate links and using them supports the site at no extra cost to you.

[Wearable Review] Bijoux Indiscrets Maze Choker/Collar

Published on May 28, 2018March 4, 2021 by AmyLeave a comment

Have you guys noticed that collars seem to be really trendy right now? Everywhere I look, femme folks are wearing them as fashion accessories. This is both awesome (“I can wear my collar in public and no-one will think it’s weird!”) and really annoying (“it’s so hard to spot my people in the wild now!”)

The line between what constitutes a choker and what constitutes a collar is… flimsy. I’d say there are some items that are definitely collars, but ultimately the distinction comes down to the meaning you ascribe to it. Wearing a collar is, at its best, a place of safety and grounding for me. It gives me a sense of security in my submissive identity and the knowledge that my Dominant will take care of me for as long as I’m wearing it.

My former collar was a thing of beauty. I do not miss that relationship but I do miss that collar. Since then, I’ve worn a number of play collars, but none has ever felt as right around my neck as this one.

Ethical Glamour

Like every piece in Bijoux Indiscrets’ Maze collection, this collar is made of faux leather made of polyurethane from recycled materials. This means it is both environmentally conscious and certified vegan! A major plus for those of us who love leather but feel weird about the animal cruelty implications of the real thing.

As I’ve said before, I struggle with what I acknowledge is a level of hypocrisy within myself, being a vegetarian who also adores leather. I particularly love Bijoux’s products because their faux leather looks and feels so close to the real thing. It sadly doesn’t have that sexy-as-fuck leather smell, but I guess you can’t have everything. This material is a really fantastic choice for the animal welfare-conscious kinkster.

Simple, Elegant and Comfortable

You can get all kinds of gorgeous and fancy collars. However, I’ve always tended more towards simplicity in the designs I like. The Maze collar is a slender band with a simple ring at the front, which is both decorative and functional (ideal for attaching a leash, for example!)

I have this collar in black, but it also comes in brown, which is equally beautiful and a really nice option for those who don’t want all their fetishwear to be black, red or purple. (I was sorely tempted to ask for a brown one myself! The black won out because it goes with more of my wardrobe.) Both colours are gorgeous.

The Maze collar is also super duper comfortable! I wore it all evening at a party, and it was so comfy that we were half way through our two hour drive home before I remembered I was still wearing it. (Gotta tell you, though, Bijoux collar plus Doxy t-shirt is the ultimate in “post-sex-party chic”.)

One Size Fits Most

I really love the fastenings on this collar. There is no buckle; instead, it is closed with a small peg which you push through one of the holes. I really liked this aspect as it meant it was super easy to put on and take off myself, without needing any help. The downside is that it is not lockable, so if you’re after a collar that can be locked into place, this is not the one.

It’s super adjustable, meaning one size will fit the vast majority of necks regardless of sex or body type.

The Perfect Everyday Collar

I am in love with this collar, and actually this entire range. Pair your Maze collar with a leash and cuffs for kinky fun, with a harness for bondage-inspired glamour, with my favourite ears for kitten play, or with some nipple-pasties/sparkles for burlesque-style sex appeal.

The Maze choker/collar retails for £22.50/$26, making it one of the more affordable pieces in the Maze collection. Eco-conscious beauty at an affordable price!

Thank you to Bijoux Indiscrets for sending me this piece free of charge in exchange for an honest review! If you buy your Bijoux goodies from Shevibe or Peepshow Toys (use code COFFEE for 10% off) sends a small commission my way and helps me keep doing what I’m doing.

Photos are by me and not to be used without permission.

A padlock with a heart locked to a fence. For a post about 24/7 D/s

3 Things I Learned About Myself In My 18 Months as a 24/7 Submissive

Published on October 25, 2017April 6, 2021 by AmyLeave a comment

Today in 30 Days of D/s, Kayla and John ask about 24/7 relationships. In a nutshell, this is a relationship where the power exchange is a permanent and pervasive part of the relationship. Essentially, the people in the relationship are “in role,” to a greater or lesser extent, all the time.

In my last relationship, I was a 24/7 submissive for a year and a half (collared for a year.) Even though that relationship was really unhealthy for me and I’m not in the 24/7 lifestyle any more, I still think I learned valuable lessons. Today I want to share some of those lessons with you.

Symbolism is really important to me

I’d been submitting to my partner more or less exclusively for months by the time we made the 24/7 thing “official”. Even so, writing and signing the contract and later having a collaring ceremony were really significant steps for me. They solidified what we were doing and they gave me a peg to hang my understanding of the relationship on. I couldn’t wear my collar 24/7 (professional job, y’all!) so having a day-collar (in our case it was a silver bracelet with a little lock-and-key charm) was very important.

Symbolism and ritual matters to me. It matters a lot. The act of creating intention together and naming it, whether simply to each other or in the presence of other loved ones, gives me a feeling of love, security and safety. Having a physical reminder of my connection to someone helps with the feeling of “home” that I value in a hopefully-lifetime relationship. This is why Mr CK and I intend to have a handfasting ceremony in the next couple of years.

I’m DEFINITELY a Switch

I love submitting and I’m still much more towards that end of the spectrum. However, I also definitely have a Dominant side and she gets grouchy if she doesn’t get to come out to play every once in a while. Not getting to Switch at all for about 2 years made me miss the hell out of it.

I’m not cut out for the 24/7 lifestyle

Yep… the biggest thing I learned in the course of that adventure into 24/7 power exchange is that I’m not cut out to live in a power exchange 24/7. Some of you are probably thinking this makes me less submissive, and the only thing I can say to that is that I think you’re wrong. When I choose to submit, I do so deeply and with my whole heart. It’s a beloved place I go back to time and time again and feel bereft if I’m away for too long. I just don’t live there.

You know the problem with wishing for what you want is that you might actually get what you want? Yep. I longed for 24/7 D/s and for quite a while I was on cloud nine of joy. When the reality set in, though, I chafed under the rules. I wanted to be able to step out of that role sometimes. Sometimes, I didn’t want to say yes Master, no Master, three bags full Master… I wanted to say you’re being an idiot, knock it off, and by the way I’m having a wank tonight whether you like it or not.

But I wanted it so much that I had to experience it to realise that maybe I don’t want it after all.

Tweet me your thoughts on 24/7 D/s. Have you done it? Would you do it again? Why or why not?

Kinky item of the day: ballet boots! (Not an affiliate link.) I love the hell out of these. They are, of course, utterly impractical on every level. But I think the inability to move far in them is part of the appeal, don’t you?

If you enjoyed this post, you can support by buying me a coffee!

A bunch of dead roses. For a post about a D/s break-up

“Bring the Collar:” The True Story of a D/s Break-Up

Published on October 24, 2017October 26, 2022 by Amy1 Comment

I don’t want to write this post. I really don’t. I’ve been mulling it over all day and a huge part of me just wants to go, “oh fuck it” and write a generic “how to get over a break-up” listicle.

But I feel like that’d be a cop-out. Today’s 30 Days of D/s prompts is all about break-ups, and to be honest I’ve been inspired by Kayla’s amazing raw honesty in telling the story of her own D/s break-up a few years ago. So… here goes nothing, I guess.

15.05.2015

Realistically, I knew we were breaking up. Our relationship had disintegrated beyond repair now I’d finally, a good five years too late, begun to stand up for myself.

We were to meet in the park. Neutral ground. The stated aim: to have the make-or-break conversation. My true intention, though: to escape as quickly as possible with my head held high and my dignity intact.

All of this to say, dear readers: I knew it was over. It was overer than over. That relationship, like Marley, was dead as a doornail.

Still, it was three words on a text that broke me into pieces and tested my get the fuck out resolve to its limit.

“Bring the collar.”

Of course, I’d known he would want it back. That was in the contract. The Contract, to love and protect on his part. To love and obey on mine. Worth less, in the scheme of keeping us together, than the notepaper it was written on. But even so, this was the moment it sunk in. Master is releasing me. He doesn’t want me any more.

My subby heart broke then. I’d thought I was as good as over it – mentally checked out of the relationship I was technically still in. I’d mourned the man I’d loved, come to accept he’d never been real and this monster who now stood in his place had been him all along. The guy who told me I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever known, one perfect night in a student dorm room when I was nineteen, and the man who looked me in the eyes five years later and told me I was poison, were one and the same person.

But as his sub – his slave, he’d called me, though I was never entirely comfortable with the connotations of that word – I’d tried so hard to please. To obey, do everything he said, shut my mouth and look pretty and never take up more space than my little allotted corner. A toy isn’t supposed to complain when it’s tossed aside once playtime is over.

What I felt then, when I kissed the little silver lock of the collar one more time and handed it over to him while I tried not to cry, was that I’d failed. He’d thrown it at me plenty of times over the preceding weeks, while whatever was left of our love dripped down the drain. Bad sub. Not really submissive. Disobedient. If you’d just shut up and do as you were told, we’d be fine.

For years, I’d twisted myself until the core of my identity was being his. I wrote him a poem in the early days. In it, I said, “You are life. You are oxygen. You are everything.” My blood and breath. My heart and soul. More myself than I am.

What I know now, and wish I’d known then, is that I wasn’t the one who failed. I was just a young girl who got thrown into a lion’s den too complicated and fucked up to comprehend, and then spent years trying to tame the most vicious, dominant lion while he snapped and snarled at her heels.

He was the one who failed me. He promised too much, delivered too little, broke me down too hard. I gave love, and what I got in return was emotional devastation, over and over and fucking over.

In that moment, I saw him as he was. All my idealistic, teenage bullshit fell away and I saw a man who could never love me. In that moment, I took myself back. I gave him back his collar but I took back my agency, my power, my life.

You’re not my blood and breath. I am.

I belong to nobody. I am free. And I am happy.

No kinky item today. This is too raw to add anything to it. If you want to help with my ongoing therapy bills, just hit the buy me a coffee button!

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Competitive Submission, or: A Journey Through Labels

Published on October 3, 2017April 6, 2021 by Amy6 Comments

For those just joining now, I’m celebrating #KinkMonth by writing posts inspired by Kayla Lords’ 30 Days of D/s project.

Day 3 is about labels. Today’s post is quite vulnerable and also heavily based on a stream of consciousness I splurged onto Fetlife last year. Kayla & John ask:

Beyond the basic title of Dominant or submissive, are there other titles you prefer or are interested in exploring? Are there any that turn you off or don’t seem like a good fit for you?

Some titles for Dominants may be Master, Sir, Daddy, Mistress, Lady, etc. Titles for submissives can be pet, babygirl, little one, boy, girl, etc.

On Fetlife, you have to pick a “role” to list on your profile. There’s the usual Dominant, submissive, Master, Mistress, slave. Then there’s the slightly more specific babygirl/babyboy, Daddy, Mommy, pet, Primal. And then there’s the nondescript and vague Kinkster, Unsure, Evolving.

I’ve flip-flopped between labels over the years. For a very long time, I considered myself the most subby of the submissives. Topping was just not something I could ever see myself doing. So I listed my role as submissive.

Then, at twenty, I found myself pinning a willing submissive man to a bed and fucking him, telling him that he was Mine. And I liked it. Gradually, I explored my Dominant energy and realised I could get off on that rush of power, on reducing someone to a puddle of lust with just my hands and voice. I changed my label to Switch.

Then I realised that being young, hot and listed as a Switch brought out the worst of all kinds of men on Fetlife. The Doms were convinced their Domly dick was all I would ever need to shove myself firmly back into the box labelled “submissive”. The submissives wanted to crawl at my feet and serve me (for the value of “serve” which means “have me fulfill their every sexual fantasy”). I couldn’t be arsed with it. I switched to the vague Kinkster. Something about that nondescript label – possibly along with aging out of the coveted “18-24” age bracket – hugely diminished the number of unsolicited gunk in my inbox. But it didn’t feel like me.

In the midst of my relationship with my ex-Master, I switched (heh) back to submissive. I filled my profile with variations on, “I AM OWNED, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE”. It worked, sort of, but it still only described a fraction of the rich and complex tapestry of the Amy.

Me and Mr CK occasionally switch with each other. This has been the case since the beginning, and will most continue to be the case for as long as our lives run in parallel. We both enjoy both sides of the slash (him more “D,” me more “). So I changed my role once again to Switch, and that was that.

And then… well. There’s no way to make myself look good here. I got competitive. Jealous. Scared.

My partner started dating someone, you see, who we’ll call The Doctor. She listed herself as 100% submissive. (Having been on the receiving end of her hand spanking my ass, I respectfully disagree with that label, but people have the right to self-identify.) It was this, more than the sex or the romance or anything else, that freaked me the fuck out. My headweasels took over and convinced me absolutely, in the space of a couple of weeks, that:

One: Identifying as a submissive, instead of a Switch, made this person inherently better at submitting than me purely on the basis that they never swapped roles.

Two: Therefore, my partner would prefer playing with her to playing with me.

Three: Therefore, my partner would use all his kinky/sexy/Dominant energy on her, leaving none left for me, start taking her to all our favourite kinky events instead of me, and collar her as his 24/7 submissive despite emphatically telling me he doesn’t want that dynamic with anybody.

Four: Therefore, my relationship would be over if I couldn’t show him beyond all doubt that I was at least as good a submissive, if not better, than this other person.

The thing is, this was all in my head. Neither of them did anything to indicate to me that there was any validity to these fears whatsoever. In desperation, not knowing what else to do to fight the battle against my own mind, I changed my status back to submissive. It took a very long and tearful conversation with my partner, in which all my fears fell out of my mouth and into his lap, for me to articulate what was really going on and say “I’m scared as fuck that you’ll leave me for someone else who’s more submissive than I am.”

That was when I learned that my Switchyness, and the Switching dynamic we share, is a feature, not a bug. It’s one of the things he loves about me. It was also when I began to internalise that:

One: Submission is not a contest.

Two: Being a Switch doesn’t make my submission, when I give it, less real or authentic or beautiful.

There’s a stigma against Switches in a lot of the kink world. Much like bisexuals, we’re told that we’re greedy, that we’re confused. That we need to get off the fence and make up our damn minds.

I tend to date either Top-leaning Switches, or exclusive Tops/Doms. It’s getting much better (thanks, in part, to fabulous partners who embrace ALL of me as I am!) but on some levels I still struggle with the insecurity whispering that, as a Switch, I’m a poor second choice and a Top/Dom would always choose a 100% submissive over me and like a 100% submissive more than me. I also worry, because Mr and I hang out at a lot of fem-sub/M-Dom events, that I’ll be judged poorly or thought less of due to being a Switch.

On the flip side, sometimes I feel like a fraud for identifying as Switch because my interests are so unbalanced. It’s really hard to put a number on it and it fluctuates. At the moment my desires are probably 90% sub/bottom and 10% Dom/Top. On the occasions when I do Top, I worry that my submissive partner is just going to say, “you’re shit at this, I’m gonna go do it with a real Dom.”

So where the fuck does that leave me?

Sadly, there isn’t a role option on Fetlife for “Basically submissive at heart but still gets a huge rush from Topping once in a while because I like the feeling of power and the reactions and the knowledge that I’m giving so much pleasure.”

So… yeah.

Switch.

Remember: a label is the beginning of a conversation, not the end.

Kinky item of the day: Collars by Kabunza. I’m not affiliated with this company in any way, but I could talk them up forever because 1) Aemilia Hawk is a wonderful human being and I adore her. 2) their stuff is so beautiful it makes my heart sing. 3) their customer service is brilliant. 4) we should all support our friendly neighbourhood kinky businesses.

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