First, some housekeeping:
- Sorry I’ve been away for so long. My site went completely down and my former hosting company were no help whatsoever, and were unable to provide any idea when they might have more information for me. Therefore I’ve switched hosting – shout out to the lovely folks at Skystra who got me back up and online in a little over 12 hours. If you’re looking for new hosting, please consider using my affiliate link to switch over – it doesn’t cost you any more and it makes me a small commission!
- The world has gone fucking bonkers, hasn’t it? Like almost everyone else right now, I am scared, stressed and freaked out. For now at least, however, I am declaring my blog a COVID-19/Coronavirus-free zone. It all sucks. #StayTheFuckHome. Let’s move on.
This week, I want to talk about masturbating when I don’t really feel like it. Specifically, when I have a toy to test – for a commission, or for a consultancy job, or just because there’s a post due on this blog and I like to stick to my schedule as far as possible. In other words, when wanking is work.
Yes, “getting paid to masturbate” (though sex toy reviewing is MUCH more than just wanking all the time) is kinda awesome. Except on the days when I have a review due and I really just don’t wanna.
So do I make myself masturbate when I don’t feel like it?
Please bear in mind that what I’m talking about here is the kind of “don’t wanna” that is more towards the “not really feeling it” end of the spectrum than the “black pit of despair” end. On the occasions when it’s been the latter, that’s when I go on a hiatus.
Getting in the headspace
I sit closer to the spontaneous (rather than spontaneous) end of the sexual desire spectrum, typically. This means that I can be mentally interested in sex and prepared for sex without anything specifically sexual happening. If you don’t know the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, I recommend Emily Nagoski’s fantastic book Come As You Are. The short explanation, though, is that people with responsive desire often need sexual stimulus of some sort (not necessarily physical) to begin before becoming physically arouse, while people with spontaneous desire tend to want sex, well, spontaneously.
When I find I’m not in the mood, though, I have to tap into my own latent responsive sexual desire. This means, essentially, giving myself “foreplay” until I feel aroused enough to want to start wanking.
Often this involves reading some hot erotica. Sometimes it involves watching some porn. Sometimes it just involves giving myself time to fantasise, and touch my body in other places before zoning in on the genitals.
“But you should only do sex things when you really really want to!”
See, I think this is true… up to a point. When it comes to discussions of consent in partnered sex, it’s a solid place to start. But sex is complicated, desire and arousal are complicated, and we all get to decide for ourselves the circumstances in which we are and aren’t willing to engage in sexual activity – whether with ourselves or someone else.
The way I see it, just as sex can have different purposes, so can masturbation. Sure, I might have sex because I’m ridiculously hot for it and just need to rip my partner’s clothes off right this minute. But I might also have sex in order to feel emotionally close to my partner, in order to fulfil the other person’s desire, or just because we’re bored and it’s a good way to pass the time. Masturbation can also be many things. Because I’m crazy-horny, yes… or because I want to sleep more easily. Or to cure a headache, or, yes, test out a new sex toy and write about it for you guys.
For this reason, I don’t think all orgasms are created equal. I mean, I don’t know that I’ve ever had a BAD on. But some are distinctly more “OMG YES WOW” and others are more “welp, that was pleasant.”
So do I orgasm when I’m wanking-for-work? Usually, yes. To be honest, even if I’m testing a toy I hate I’ll try to squeeze an orgasm out of it (or, failing that, throw it aside in frustration, grab something I do like, and complain to you all on here later about how much it sucked.) But typically, how good the orgasm is directly correlates to how aroused I was prior to masturbating. (See also: why I have an orgasm denial kink.) So when it’s a more utilitarian session, the orgasm is less likely to be mindblowing. And that’s okay. The purpose of that session isn’t (usually) to blow my own socks off with orgasmic bliss. The purpose is to figure out how good the toy is so I can tell my lovely loyal readers (that’s all of you) about it.
What do you want to know about wanking for the purposes of journalism?
Ask away in the comments or tweet me!
Masturbation Monday is a meme owned and run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone is getting off to this week! This post contains affiliate links, which make me a small commission if you purchase through them.