Tag: events

BDSM gear on a pink background, header image for a post on the question of "Am I Kinky?"

Am I Kinky? How to Tell and How to Better Understand Your Kinks

Published on by Amy

Some kinksters have always known they were kinky, sometimes from even before they had a word for it. Others come to kink and BDSM later on, after intensely questioning and examining their desires and fantasies. Have you ever agonised over the question “am I kinky?”, wondered if you’re kinky enough to claim the label and call yourself a part of the community, or felt stuck on how to explore your interest in kinky things?

If so, this post is for you.

What is Kinky?

This is where I always like to start when it comes to examining the question of whether a person is kinky: what even is kinky, anyway?

Wikipedia defines kinkiness as “the use of sexual practices, concepts or fantasies that are not conventional.” This general theme continues in other definitions I looked at. Justin Hancock, of sex education platform Bish UK, writes that “‘Kink’ is a set of pleasurable activities that people choose to do together that in other contexts are not pleasurable or usual.” The Cambridge Dictionary definies it as “a strange habit, usually of a sexual nature.”

But these definitions require us to ask ourselves: what is “conventional?” What is “usual?” In order to define what it means to step outside of these “norms”, we have to understand what the norms are in the first place.

Sexual norms, like other societal norms, are inherently subjective and informed by an array of factors from the social and political to the religious. Some people would say that the only “normal” sex to have is married, penis-in-vagina intercourse in the missionary position. Some would say that activities such as oral sex, anal sex, and mutual masturbation are completely “normal” and therefore not kinky. For others, however, having anal sex or masturbating in front of their partner might feel extremely kinky.

Pain is often associated with BDSM, but this isn’t always the case. My friend Violet Grey wrote a great guest blog about how kink isn’t all whips and chains. You don’t need to play with pain at all to be kinky, if you don’t want to. For some people, kink is entirely or mostly psychological. For others, it involves playing with intense or challenging sensations that are not necessarily painful (rope bondage, tickling kinks, and temperature play being just some obvious examples.)

Power play is another facet that often appears in kink, but doesn’t have to. Dominant and submissive dynamics – the D/s in BDSM – are one way to play with kink, but they are not essential to it. For example, some people enjoy sadomasochism (the consensual giving and receiving of pain) without any element of power imbalance.

Then there’s fetishism, which involves a sexual response to an item, body part, or activity that is not traditionally viewed as sexual. Foot fetishes, material fetishes (such as latex or rubber), and watersports (playing with pee) are just some examples of common fetishes. But do you need to have a fetish to be kinky? Nope!

I realise this might not be very helpful. I realise I’m offering lots of things that being kinky might mean, but no hard and fast litmus test. But that’s also part of the beauty of kink. You get to define what it means to you and for you.

Do you fantasise about, or take part in, sexual or sensual acts that feel in some way unconventional or “outside the norm” to you? If so, you might be kinky!

Am I Kinky Enough to Call Myself Kinky?

If you take nothing else from this piece, I hope you’ll remember this: there’s no such thing as “kinky enough”.

Much like queerness, ultimately the only test is “do you identify as kinky?” If so, then congratulations! You’re kinky! It’s also fine to take part in the community even if you’re not yet sure if you’re kinky, by the way. We’ll talk about this a bit more later on.

You don’t need to be into the most extreme things imaginable to call yourself kinky. Everyone has unique preferences, desires, limits, and boundaries. You also don’t need to be constantly trying out the next new hardcore thing! If the only kinky thing you ever want to do is get tickled with feathers, or have your wrists cuffed to the headboard during sex, or spank your lover? You’re kinky enough!

I can’t promise you won’t encounter any gatekeeping in the kink community. Sadly you might. After all, kink scenes are made up of people and people are sometimes dickheads. However, the vast majority of the people you meet will likely be completely lovely and non-judgemental. If anyone judges you for not being extreme enough or says that your kink isn’t really a kink, feel enormously free to ignore them. Or tell them to fuck off. That’s fun too.

6 Ways to Better Understand Your Kinks

If you think you could be kinky, you might already know exactly what you’re into. You might also have only a vague sense… or absolutely no idea yet! Whatever is true for you, it’s all fine. In this section, I’ll give you a few ideas for ways you can explore your kinky identity further and develop a deeper understanding of your kinks.

Take a BDSM Test

A BDSM test is an online quiz that asks you a series of questions to help you determine your kink identity, role, interests, or archetype. It can be a great place to start your explorations.

Remember that a BDSM test is supposed to be a guide, not Gospel. If your result doesn’t feel quite right for you, then that’s also useful information you can take forward. It can also be useful to revisit your BDSM test of choice every year or two. Chances are your preferences will evolve and your results might change, too. Mine certainly have!

Do a Yes/No/Maybe List

Yes/No/Maybe lists are checklists of all kinds of kinky activities. The idea is that you go through the list and indicate whether you’re a “yes”, a “no”, or a “maybe” to doing each thing. Some lists also have a column where you can indicate your level of interest and/or level of experience with each activity. They’re a great place to start exploring what types of kinky play might interest you. They can also help you to identify the things you absolutely don’t want to do, which is equally useful.

Yes/No/Maybe lists can be particularly useful tools in negotiating kinky play or relationships. If you and your partner or prospective partner complete the same list, you can then compare your results to find out where your interests overlap.

You can find numerous free Yes/No/Maybe lists online. I like this one by Bex Talks Sex!

Consume Erotic Content

Erotic content such as ethical porn, written erotica, and audio erotica can be great ways to explore your interest in kink, whether you consume it alone or with a partner. If you consume a wide array of content you might even discover new things that interest you!

Remember: porn and erotica are entertainment, not instruction. They can help you to understand your kinks, but they are not a blueprint for how to do it in real life. Finding something hot in fiction also doesn’t mean you need to do it in real life. If you have a fantasy that you’d prefer stayed a fantasy, that is completely valid.

Get Involved in Your Local Kink Community

Wherever you are in your personal kink journey, there are so many great reasons to seek out your local community.

Firstly, you’ll make friends. Kinky friends can be utterly invaluable, particularly when you’re new and exploring. It’s considered poor etiquette to treat kink spaces as your personal cruising grounds, but if you’re looking for a partner or play partner then making authentic connections and building a solid reputation in the kinky community is a great place to start.

Being active in your local community is the best way to find out about events, get vetted, and get invited to awesome play parties!

You’ll also learn a lot. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about kinksters in my 16 years “on the scene” it’s that we’re fucking nerds. Want to enthuse about your favourite kinky thing? Desperate to show off your gorgeous new custom flogger or eager to learn how to tie someone up safely? The kink community is where you can make the kinds of friends who will relish these interactions.

Start by heading out to your local munch or finding a class on a kinky activity that interests you.

Talk About Your Fantasies

If you have a partner or partners, talking about your fantasies can help you both/all to learn more about your kinks. Talking about fantasies can be a safe way to ease into trying them out. It can also be a hot precursor to sex.

Want to talk about your kinks but don’t have a partner to do it with? Try joining some discussion groups for your interests on Fetlife or paying a professional phone sex/cyber sex provider to engage in some dirty talk with you.

Try Things Out

Sometimes there’s no substitute for just trying something to see if you like it. If you think you might be into a particular kink, why not grab a consenting partner and give it a go? (You can also explore many elements of BDSM alone, by the way, but that’s a subject for another post!)

Do your research beforehand so you know how to stay safe. Establish a safeword or safe signal. Discuss desires, hard and soft limits, and boundaries. Go as slowly as you need to. Most importantly, check in regularly and communicate with your partner or partners at every stage.

And remember: kink and BDSM is a journey. You don’t need to have all the answers now or ever. Evolving, growing, changing, and reevaluating is part of the deal and part of the fun. Let the adventure take you where it will!

This post was kindly sponsored by Fetish.com and their BDSM test! All views and writing are, as always, mine.

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Kink Party Outfit Ideas: What to Wear to a Play Party

Published on by Amy

When people are getting ready to attend their first kink party, one of the most frequency asked questions is “what the hell do I wear!?” What to wear to a play party can feel like a minefield, but it’s not as complicated as it seems. In this post I’ll dispel some common myths as well as share some kink party outfit ideas to get you inspired. I’ve also included some links to some of my favourite pieces and stores.

Check the Dress Code

Some parties and events have their own dresscode. These can be anything from very broad and general to highly specific. Events with very specific dress codes are generally those geared around a particular kink which relates in some way to the dress code – for example, clothed Dom/naked sub events or those for latex fetishists. Some may even have fun fancy dress themes.

Many events will simply state “fetishwear”, “make an effort”, “smart black minimum”, or “no jeans or trainers.” Within the dress code or general guidelines, you’re free to be as creative as you like.

Check out the Fetlife page for your chosen event, if they have one. You may see pictures that past attendees have shared of their outfits, which can provide some inspiration, or example pictures for what constitutes suitable attire.

What is “Fetishwear?”

Fetishwear is a pretty broad term. In short, though, it refers to anything out-of-the-box, provocative, sexualised, or in some way over-the-top or extreme. Certain fabrics, such as leather, latex, rubber, and PVC, are commonly seen in fetishwear.

Highly structured items such as corsets as well as revealing clothing such as lingerie may also be considered fetishwear. Certain types of detailing, such as straps, studs, or spikes, can add a fetishy vibe to your kink party outfit.

Kinky or sexualised accessories such as collars and cuffs, body harnesses, stockings, and extreme footwear can fall into this category, too.

Do I Have to Spend a Lot of Money?

Nope!

There are some kink events that have a reputation for being picky to the point of snobbish about the dress code, putting expectations on attendees that are financially prohibitive to many. I recommend avoiding those events unless spending hundreds of £/$ on an outfit is part of the fun for you.

For most kink events, there is no expectation that you spend a lot of money. In fact, you can likely get something suitable on sale or even put together an outfit from pieces you already own if money is a concern for you.

Do I Have to Show a Lot of Skin?

No!

Well, not usually. Again, there are a small number of events where this is expected as part of the event theme (such as clothed Dom/naked sub events.) As a general rule, though, there is no expectation to get naked or to show off any more of your body than you feel comfortable with.

You probably will see people naked or wearing very skimpy outfits. But you’ll also see people in full length dresses or skirts, trousers or suits, or outfits that are sexy but not revealing (for example, catsuits.)

In short, at the vast majority of kink events you can show as much or as little skin as you like. Some events do have restrictions on genital nudity due to venue licensing, so always check if you are planning a very skimpy outfit.

The Classics: Lingerie, Corsetry, Kilts, LBDs and More

There are some types of outfit you’ll see again and again at kink events and play parties, and which are almost always appropriate. Lingerie, corsets, kilts, suits, and little black dresses will usually be absolutely fine.

In some spaces, black jeans and a button-down shirt or the kind of dress you’d wear to go clubbing will also be acceptable.

Latex, Leather and Rubber, Oh My!

Certain fabrics have specifically kinky connotations: latex, leather, rubber, PVC, and so on. If any of these fabrics appeal to you, they can be a great starting point for an outfit.

You don’t need to shell out a lot of money unless you want to. A PVC/leather-look piece of the kind available at many sex shops is a great alternative to more expensive real leather. Lovehoney’s Easy-On Latex items are an affordable alternative to the price-tag of custom latex that I wear regularly.

You can also invest in a single piece, such as a leather corset or pair of trousers or a latex top, and then build your outfit around that from cheaper items or things you already own. Even an accessory made of one of these fabrics, such as latex suspenders, gauntlets or a pair of gloves, can give a nod to these fetishes without the cost of a full outfit.

Accessorise to Impress

I wear a lot of the same outfits again and again to different parties. What I like to do, though, is accessorise them differently. A few appropriate accessories can really elevate your outfit and allow you ro express your kinky self.

Think about:

My current kinky accessory obsession? These amazing hand harnesses. I’ve worn them with everything from dungarees to a corset, and I love them.

Let’s Talk Shoes

One common misconception is that women or femme-presenting people have to wear heels in kink spaces. This isn’t the case at all. I very rarely wear heels to kink parties because, well, they fucking hurt and I have chronic pain in my feet anyway without making it worse.

Of course, you can wear those sky-high heels if you like. But if you’d rather not, you can also opt for low heels or for flat shoes/boots. Just make sure they’re clean, polished, and go with your outfit. If in doubt, you’ll rarely go wrong with a nice pair of plain black shoes or boots in your preferred style.

Statement shoes can also be fun, if that’s your thing. My turquoise glitter flats get a lot of outings with various outfits! You’ll also likely see footwear such as New Rocks, Doc Martens and their various equivalents in kink spaces.

Hair & Makeup

If you’re the kind of person who likes doing fun things with your hair and/or makeup, a kink party is a great chance to go wild. Why not experiment with a new temporary hair colour (or a wig), a fabulous eye makeup look, a bold lipstick, or even something more outlandish such as glitter or body-paint?

Nails can be a fun place to express your style, too. I often get my nails done before a big event and I usually opt for something ostentatious and over the top (typically with sparkles and lots of colour.) Of course, a striking black or classic red polish are also great options.

If makeup, nail polish and fancy hairstyles aren’t your thing, that’s cool too! Just make sure your hair is washed and your nails are clean, and you’ll be fine.

Wear Your Kink

Collars are perhaps the most common accessory you’ll see people wearing in kink spaces. If you have a collar you love (whether it’s associated with a specific relationship or not) then wearing it can help you to get into a kinky headspace. You can add a leash, too, if you like.

You can also do amazing things with rope. If you know how to tie a basic arms-out rope harness, it can be a beautiful addition to give an outfit a kinky twist. Rope gauntlets, rope corsets, and rope dresses are also popular – the possibilities are endless, especially if you invest in some beautiful colourful rope.

Other good options include chastity devices, pet play gear (such as ears, masks or tails), strap-on harnesses, decorative cuffs, nipple clamps, and gags.

Consider Practicality

That latex outfit might look amazing, but if it takes 30 minutes to get in and out of it, is it the best choice for an event where you’re going to want to get naked to play or get in the hot tub? You might love your favourite corset, but is it practical for moving around in as you flog or tie up your partner?

Don’t forget to think about what you might want to do at the party and factor these practicalities into your kink party outfit choice.

Consider the weather, too. If it’s 35°C out, you probably don’t want to wear a full latex catsuit. (Ask me how I know.)

Don’t Overthink It

This is a lot of information and a lot of things to think about as you plan your kink party outfit. A play party can be a great place to experiment with different modes of presentation and tap into your most authentic self.

The most important thing in deciding what to wear to a play party is that it makes you feel good. You won’t have a good time if you feel like you’re pretending to be someone you’re not.

Here are my five golden rules for putting together an amazing kink party outfit:

  • Check the dress code, follow it, and ask the organisers if in doubt
  • Make an effort and get creative
  • Wear something that makes YOU feel amazing, focusing on being authentic and true to yourself
  • Don’t forget the details, from accessories and shoes to hair and makeup – they can lift your entire look!
  • Think about the practicalities.

This is supposed to be fun, so enjoy yourself no matter what you decide to wear.

This post contains affiliate links. All views, as always, are mine.

Row of cocktails, header for a post on the people you'll meet at a BDSM munch

Eleven People You Might Meet at a BDSM Munch

Published on by Amy

I’ve got so many posts in drafts right now, many of them intensely personal and emotionally loaded. I want to tell you all about that time I got an STI, why casual sex feels complicated for me even as it’s something I also really desire, and my reflections on fifteen years of relationships that exist off the map of societal norms.

This isn’t any of those posts. I’ve tried to finish and publish them all this week, but they’re either currently feeling too vulnerable or just not quite coming together in the way I want them to. So you’ll have to wait for those, sorry!

Instead, because I went to my local one last night, you’ve got my slightly snarky reflections on the people you’re likely to meet at a BDSM munch. For those who don’t know, a BDSM munch is a social gathering of kinky people (typically in a vanilla location such as a pub, bar, or restaurant) for the purposes of making friends and building community.

Obligatory disclaimer: this is an attempt at humour and should be read in a slightly tongue in cheek fashion. Your observations and experiences may vary.

The Host

I hope you meet this person, because if you don’t they’re probably not doing their job.

Any good BDSM munch has an active host (or team of hosts). They’ll be the people who booked the venue, advertised the event online, and maybe answered your questions if you messaged them beforehand.

Their job is to welcome newcomers, facilitate the space, maintain any rules or code of conduct, and ensure that everyone feels safe and has a good time. It’s also their responsibility to sort out any problems such as attendees overstepping consent boundaries or behaving inappropriately.

The Regulars

For these people, going to a munch is just like going to the pub with friends because the attendee list is basically their social circle. Might be heard asking after each other’s spouses, jobs, kids, dating adventures, and other Real Life Shit.

The Creep

Usually a cis man and usually a Dominant, though there are exceptions, this person gravitates towards Nervous Newbies (see below) like a moth to a flame. May particularly target new, young submissive women.

They might try to pick you up, assert a D/s dynamic where none exists, touch you, or get in your personal space without consent. Best avoided. If they overstep a line or make you uncomfortable, speak to the host or a regular.

The Ostentatiously M/s Couple

They didn’t get the memo that this is a vanilla space. Perhaps the s-type kneels at their Master or Mistress’s feet on the sticky pub floor. Perhaps the Owner bends their pet over a table and spanks them in full view of the people trying to have a quiet after-work pint at the next table. The s-type probably either speaks exclusively in the third person (“this slave is pleased to meet you”) or isn’t permitted to speak at all.

Don’t be these people unless you want to be responsible for getting the munch kicked out of the bar. Wearing a discreet collar is likely fine, full-on play in public is not.

The Social Butterfly

Hi, I’m this person!

The Social Butterfly loves people and wants to chat to EVERYONE. You’ll get their undivided attention and be the only person in the room they see… for about four minutes. But so will everyone else.

They’ll probably bounce up and give enthusiastic hugs when their friends walk in, and be one of the first people to introduce themselves to anyone they don’t recognise. Imagine a particularly sociable puppy with ADHD and you’ve got this person.

The Nervous Newbie

Maybe this is you?

They’re attending a BDSM munch for the first time and they’re not sure what to expect. Depending on their personality, they might hang back and observe or dive right in. Relax – outside of a few simple ground rules there’s no right or wrong way here. Just learn basic munch etiquette, be yourself, and if in doubt speak to the host and let them know you’re new and nervous.

The Venue Owner/Event Organiser/Pro Who is Mostly There to Plug Their Stuff

I’m calling myself out here, I might also be this person a little bit on occasion.

They run a party or conference, have their own dungeon, or work as a Pro Dom/Domme, and they’re here to network! They might be seen wearing a branded t-shirt, handing out flyers, or proudly extolling the virtues of whatever it is they’re promoting. They’ve got their spiel down to the point that it sounds totally natural and unrehearsed… until you hear them reciting it twenty more times.

The Unicorn Hunters

Almost inevitably a male Dominant with a female submissive (likely decades younger than him), these two are on the hunt for additional submissive women for the dude’s “stable.”

She will be used as bait and she might not even be into women, but just performing a safe and male-gaze-centric form of bisexuality for his entertainment. There’s a One Penis Policy (of course!) and anyone who isn’t interested in what they’re offering will be derided as a “fake.” They’ll probably come to about four events, then leave in a huff when they don’t find anyone to be their live-in housekeeper-slash-sex-doll.

The Wise Elder

They’ve been kinky since before half these attendees were born but they won’t tell you that unless you ask directly how long they’ve been in the lifestyle. And yes, they’ll probably call it The Lifestyle unironically.

They have a wealth of knowledge to impart, but they’re humble about it. They reject the label of “expert” and believe we’re all just imperfect humans learning as we go. This person has a lot they could teach you. Listen to them.

The Not So Wise Elder

They’ve been kinky since before half these attendees were born and they want you to know it. They’ll grumble about how “young people today just don’t know what REAL S&M is.” (And yes, they’ll refer to all kink as S&M unironically.)

They have a lot of knowledge to impart whether you want it or not, and most of it will be wrong. They will refer often and wistfully to The Old Guard or The Good Old Days. High likelihood that they and The Wise Elder have lowkey hated each other since the seventies.

The Dude Who is Definitely Cheating on His Wife

He’s got to be discreet. Very discreet, because he has a very important top secret job his wife definitely doesn’t know about his shenanigans. There will be a deep groove on the third finger of his left hand from a hastily-removed wedding ring. He’ll avoid any questions about his relationship status, if he doesn’t just outright lie about being single/separated/divorced/widowed/in an open marriage.

Wants to be your 24/7 Daddy Dom but can only see you from 3-5pm on alternate Thursdays because he’s very busy and important that’s when she thinks he’s playing golf with his old university roommate.

So there you have it, the people you might meet at a BDSM munch. Think I missed any? Recognise yourself in any of these? Let me know! FYI: this post contains an affiliate link.

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Five Fabulously Femme Things I Wore to Eroticon 2023

Published on by Amy1 Comment

I’m now home after my trip to London for Eroticon 2023, my fourth Eroticon overall and the first one back since before the pandemic. I’ve returned brimming over with ideas, inspiration, and gratitude for these amazing people (the #eroticommunity?) and this magical space where we can all come together.

There are lots of things I want to say and do post-Eroticon, and there will be more content coming in the next few days. But one of the most joyous things about this weekend was getting to femme it up to the max and wear some things that make me feel gloriously myself.

I’ve been wanting to write more about femme things and femme identity for a while, so this seems like a good place to start. Here’s the story behind five things I wore to this year’s Eroticon.

The Bat Dress

Rule the Night bat dress by Heartless

Mr C&K found this dress for me in our local branch of Blue Banana and I immediately knew I needed to own it. Between the bats (insert “batting for both” joke here) and the multi-coloured pink/purple/blue tie-dye, it just feels like a supremely bisexual garment to me. It got its first outing at BiCon 2022 and it always makes me happy to wear it.

Plus it has pockets. Yay pockets.

Dress is “Rule the Night” by Heartless.

Sapphic Pride Necklace

Sapphic pride necklace by The Gay Glass Stall

I recently wrote about feeling increasingly connected with the term “sapphic” to describe my sexuality. It feels like a joyful way to claim and centre my attraction to women and to intentionally remove the male gaze from my queerness.

I found this gorgeous glass sapphic pride necklace at the BBB just last month, and I’ve worn it most days since. I almost never see this particular flag on merchandise, so it’s lovely to own and wear a little bit of sapphic pride.

Necklace is by The Gay Glass Stall.

Rainbow Ears

Fluffy rainbow cat ears, Pride cat ears

Being a pseudonymous blogger, I wear one of the “no photos” lanyards at Eroticon. However, I was amused to see that one of my ears had made it into the corner of this photo by Calandra Balfour.

I wore cat ears at my very first Eroticon, where I thought that they might help me to feel less shy and maybe act as a conversation starter. What I did not expect was that they’d become a sort of calling-card that I’d be known and remembered for years later. This fluffy rainbow set seemed the only appropriate choice for an Eroticon taking place during Pride month!

Rainbow cat ears were from Ice Nine.

Face Glitter

Glitter makeup pots

I just really like glitter, okay? After trying on lots of different ways to describe my aesthetic and presentation goals, I eventually settled on #sparklefemme. This involves leaning into the more glittery and over-the-top elements of the femme aesthetic in a way that feels quite deliberately queer. Getting to be outwardly sparkly during Eroticon helped me to feel more inwardly sparkly, too.

I particularly enjoyed getting to make other people glittery at the evening socials, including my flatmate for the weekend Violet, Exhibit A and Livvy as well as their daughter M, and Girl on the Net. And for anyone who might be reasonably concerned about the environmental impact, don’t worry – biodegradable glitter only here!

Face glitter set came from Etsy. That particular brand no longer seems to be available but there are lots of similar alternatives.

Sparkly Turquoise Shoes

Sparkly turquoise Irregular Choice shoes

I absolutely adore these shoes. They “go” with pretty much nothing, and yet I will happily wear them with almost anything. I got so many compliments on them over the weekend and it made me happy to wear them.

I have a chronic pain condition in my feet which means that wearing heels for any length of time is difficult for me and can leave me in pain for days. Sadly, this can mean that a lot of fabulous shoes are off limits. So finding sparkly, glittery, gorgeous footwear in FLATS is always an exciting things.

Sparkly shoes are a long-discontinued style from Irregular Choice’s “Bed of Roses” line that I picked up for £8 on Vinted.

Eroticon 2023 might be over, but you can read everyone’s post-event content over at the linkup and check out the official hashtag if you want to learn more about the event and what happened there.

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Your First Kink Party: What to Expect

Published on by Amy3 Comments

I’ve been going to kink parties (also known as play parties) for well over a decade and have learned a few things in my time. I’ve also organised or been a member of the crew for some parties. Whenever I’m crewing, I get emails from nervous attendees who are coming to a kink party for the first time. They want to know the rules, what to expect, and how to behave.

And I completely understand this. Being in a new type of space, in a community with its own norms and history, can be daunting. So that’s why I thought I’d put together a quick guide to what you need to know before you go to your first kink party.

You Will See All Kinds of People

Kinksters are a diverse bunch. You’ll meet people of different genders, ages, sexualities, races, body types, and abilities.

We don’t all look like supermodels (or like the characters in that scene in Eyes Wide Shut) and a reputable event will never ask you to provide pictures beforehand or accept/reject you based on your looks or any demographic factors. (The one exception here is that some events limit the numbers of single men who can attend each time, but this is more common in the swing lifestyle than in kink.)

So relax: whoever you are, you’ll fit in and be welcome. Be kind, friendly, and inclusive to everyone you meet, and you can’t go far wrong.

You Will See All Kinds of Play

Different BDSM parties have different rules about what is allowed. If in doubt, you should always ask. Some events allow genital nudity and sexual contact, others don’t (this is often a venue restriction or licensing issue.) Some allow physically or psychologically edgy play such as needle play, fire play, or consensual non-consent, while others do not. You might see activities such as rope bondage, impact play, sensation play, Dominant/submissive dynamics, service, and so on.

If you are attending an event for a specific dynamic (for example, Dominant women and submissive men) then playing in a different dynamic may not be appropriate for that event. In general, though, you should expect to see people playing in a range of different configurations.

If you’re not comfortable seeing a particular type of play, it is your responsibility to remove yourself from the space where it is happening. It’s always okay to quietly and respectfully leave a space. It’s never okay to make derogatory comments or kink-shame others.

You Don’t Have to Do Anything You Don’t Want To

Whether you attend alone, with friends, or with a partner or partners, there is never any obligation to play at a kink party. Good parties do not place any expectations on attendees about the kinds of activities they get up to. If you want to just sit and watch scenes from a respectful distance, that’s fine. If you want to chat to people in the bar, chill out in the hot tub, or dance the night away on the dancefloor, that’s great too! And if you do want to play, it’s totally up to you whether you approach other attendees for possible scenes (or accept any invitations that come your way) or just play with the person/people you came with.

You might be asked to play, or to participate in other activities (such as being touched, watching a scene, receiving a service, having a drink, or playing a game.) It’s always okay to say “no thank you” and, if anyone pressures you, speak to a Dungeon Monitor (DM), other member of staff, or the organiser. Reputable play parties have a zero tolerance policy to any kind of boundary pushing or harrassment.

You Might Not Get to Do Everything You Want to Do

Conversely, you may go into a kink party with a specific idea of how you want it to go, and you might not get to do everything you want to do.

Paying for entry to a party does not guarantee you play, or a specific kind of play. If you’ve attended with a partner, you can make plans together but these might need to change on the fly for any number of reasons. And if you’re attending alone, you might meet someone to play with… or you might not. I’ve been on the kink scene for 14 years and I don’t play at every event I attend. This is incredibly normal.

It’s important to go in with realistic expectations. Being too rigid in your hopes for the night is a recipe for disappointment.

Some Basic Etiquette Will Go Far

As I’ve already said, each kink event has its own rules, quirks, and norms. Always ask about specific rules for the party you’re attending. However, there are some consistent points of community etiquette that you should learn and observe at any event you go to. These include:

  • Never touch a person or their equipment without permission.
  • No means no, but anything other than a clear and unambiguous “yes” ALSO means no.
  • Do not assume a dynamic where none exists (for example, by giving orders to a submissive or using honorifis for a Dominant without clear negotiation and consent.) Treat everyone as an equal and with respect, regardless of role.
  • Never interrupt a scene in progress. A scene includes set-up and aftercare. If you see something that worries you from a safety or consent perspective, speak to a DM or the organiser. Always be aware that, even if something looks scary, there is likely a lot of background context that you cannot see.
  • If you’re watching scenes in progress, keep a respectful distance and be quiet. If you want to chat, move to the social space. Staying out of the way is also for your safety – no-one wants to take the backswing of a flogger to the face.
  • Do not take any photographs or recordings without permission. Many events will insist that you leave your phone and any other devices in your locker or car. This is for everyone’s privacy and safety.
  • Embrace the philosophy of YKINMKBYKIOK: “Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is okay.”

Soak Up Opportunities to Learn

Some kink parties take place as part of a kinky conference or other educational event. Others offer newbie orientations, workshops, or talks on specific aspects of kink during the course of the night. If any of these opportunities exist, make the most of them. Hearing experts talk about what they do best is one of the most effective ways to learn and grow as a kinkster.

You can also learn from events in a more informal manner. For example, as you get chatting to people in the bar you’ll have a chance to ask more experienced players about their experiences. And if you see someone doing an activity or playing with a toy that looks interesting? Ask them about it! (Wait until they’ve finished their scene and any takedown and aftercare, of course.)

Kinksters, by and large, are nerds. We are geeky and passionate about the things we do. If you politely and respectfully approach someone to ask them about a particular activity or implement, most will be only too happy to talk to you about it.

Don’t forget to thank them for sharing their time and expertise… or offer to buy them a drink to say thanks!

It’s Best Not to Make Assumptions

If kink is one thing, it is endlessly surprising. As a community, we pride ourselves on being diverse and open-minded. Even so, we’re still humans living in the world, so sometimes unchecked assumptions can creep in. Just this weekend, I was at an event with a male-presenting friend. People assumed not only that we were a couple but that I was his submissive, based on nothing but our outward appearances. Conversely, I’ve attended events with girlfriends in the past and consistently been read as “just friends.”

In general, try to avoid making assumptions about people’s relationships, sexuality, kink roles, or interests based on how they look. There are more things in heaven, earth, and kink than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

This post was sponsored by KinkFest, the UK’s premier educational kinky conference which is taking place in Birmingham this September. All writing and views are, as always, my own. You can learn more about KinkFest and get tickets here.

Header image for Eroticon 2023 virtual meet & greet

Eroticon 2023 Virtual Meet & Greet

Published on by Amy1 Comment

It’s almost time for Eroticon 2023! This means it’s now time for one of my favourite pre-Eroticon rituals: the virtual meet-and-greet. Head over to the linkup on the official Eroticon 2023 website to meet some of the other lovelies who will be attending this year.

NAME (and Twitter/IG/Mastodon etc)

Amy. You can find me as @CoffeeAndKink on Twitter!

Tell us 3 things you are most looking forward to at Eroticon 2023

  1. I’m going to borrow from Molly here: it finally happening. It’s been too long since we all got to be together and I’m so excited to connect with my community again.
  2. Sharing a flat with my wonderful friend Violet. Look out London! We’re gonna get up to so many shenanigans!
  3. Teaching my workshop on affiliate marketing for sex bloggers that I wrote three years ago. I’ve updated it and I think it’s even better now.

Sadly with a change of venue this year for the Friday night meet and greet we won’t be compiling a play list but I know that everyone enjoys that bit so…. What is a song that always has you turning the volume up?

I’m currently obsessed with I’m Fine by Self Esteem. Mostly for this bit:

Do you understand the pain you cause
When you see a body just for sport?
I tried to let you down so gently
When I had the right to tell you simply
NO

What’s the first career you dreamed of having as a kid?

Something involving working with horses.

What does your joy look like today?

My beautiful partners, my incredible friends, sunny days, coffee (hot or iced as appropriate), theatre outings.

What is your favourite musical?

I’m a polyamorous musical theatre nerd! You can’t make me pick just one!

I’m going to narrow it down to a top three, in no particular order: Les Miserables, Rent, and Come From Away.

If you were the captain of a pirate ship, what would be the name of your ship?

I can honestly say I’ve never thought about this but for some reason the first answer that comes to mind is The Black Cat.

As soon as you have finished writing answering these questions what are you going to do?

Heat up some leftover Chinese food and watch the second half of Hamilton with my partner before our Disney+ subscription ends.

Complete the sentence:

I need..

…an orgasm and approximately three years of sleep.

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Free Entry: Stop Making Women Your Product

Published on by Amy2 Comments

You know that saying, “if you’re not paying for it, you’re not the customer, you are the product?” While this was originally applied to the likes of Facebook and other “free” platforms that make money by harvesting and selling data, I’ve realised it also applies to parts of the swinging and kink scenes. And I do not like it.

The gendered pricing model

Gendered pricing models are sadly extremely common in the swinging world in particular. One club I won’t name charges £35 per visit for a (cis male/female) couple, £50 for a single man, and £5 for a single woman.

For these purposes, a lesbian couple would be considered two single women and a gay male couple would be… well, a gay male couple would probably be discouraged from attending at all, to be honest, but if they did they’d be charged as two single men.

Again, this isn’t unusual. This is the norm. Some venues charge single men even more, £100 or more for a single visit. Others don’t charge single women at all, and might even add other incentives – such as free drinks – to tempt them in.

Wait, how is this fair?

Honestly, it isn’t.

If these venues want to ensure something of a gender balance, there are other ways to do that. Limiting the number of tickets for single men is one common strategy (again, remember these places are extremely cisheteronormative.)

But I don’t believe gendered pricing is the way to do it. For one thing, it creates a situation where only cis m/f couples are considered “real” couples, as I mentioned above. For another, it makes many events financially challenging or completely inaccessible for the single men on these scenes, most of whom are perfectly decent, respectful guys who just want to have some fun with other consenting adults.

But do you know what else it does? It turns women into a product.

What does “free entry” really cost?

Why are swingers’ clubs (and some kink venues) so desperate to get women in? It’s not because they care so much about being safe places for exploration of female sexuality. No – it’s because we act as bait for the higher-paying men and couples.

I’ve seen more than one situation where a man (or sometimes a couple) has paid a high entry price and now feels “owed” something – a conversation, attention, a blowjob, a shag. And who suffers for this entitlement? The women it’s enacted upon. This entitlement can lead to pressure, coercion, or even sexual assault. Suddenly, that “free entry” can come at a very steep cost indeed.

Some men feel as though they are being disenfranchised and discriminated against by having to pay high entry fees, while women get in for free or a nominal cost. What they don’t realise is how frightening it can be when you understand that you’re the product at least as much as you are the customer.

The argument for equal pricing

There are several really positive things I think would happen if we abolished gendered pricing models across these events:

  • They would become far more welcoming to trans folks, non-binary people, and queer couples.
  • It would largely get rid of the problem of some men thinking “well I paid £100 to be here so now I’m owed something.”
  • It would stop the problem of pricing out decent men based on the (extraordinarily classist and completely untrue) belief that the “right kind” of man for these spaces is a man who can afford a very expensive cover charge.
  • And… more single women would probably attend.

That last one might sound counterintuitive, but stick with me. I mostly go to events with my partner, and I enjoy doing so. But if I was going to attend events alone, I would be far more inclined to attend events that use an egalitarian, non-gendered pricing model.

Why? Because non-gendered, per-person pricing doesn’t make me feel like a product. Because I want to interact with other adults as an equal, not a commodity they feel entitled to by virtue of their entry fee.

If you’re a woman or read as a woman, have you ever felt uncomfortable when a man buys you a drink and then seems to expect something in return? This is like that only worse. If a man has paid to enter the space and I haven’t, I’m automatically in a weaker position. It creates a sense of obligation. Because even though I’m a feminist and I know that I never owe a man a goddamn thing just because he buys me a drink (or pays for entry to a club), the patriarchal programming we’re all exposed to runs extremely deep.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my years on the swing scene, it’s that free isn’t free. I’d much rather shell out £20 to get into an event than free entry and then be treated as part of the package that men are paying for with their higher entry fee.

If you enjoy posts like this, you can help me out by shopping with my affiliates (in the right hand sidebar) or buying me a coffee!

Header image for a post about sexual freedom and sex-positive spaces

[Quote Quest] Sex-Positive Spaces and Fragile Freedom

Published on by Amy2 Comments

“Raise a glass to freedom,
Something they can never take away.”
– Lin-Manuel Miranda (“The Story of Tonight” from Hamilton)

Despite everything I’ve achieved with this site and the work I do surrounding it, I don’t get to be quite so outspokenly sex-positive as I am on here out in my daily life.

I do what I can, of course. I’m unapologetically feminist and openly queer, and will call out shitty behaviour when it’s safe to do so. But there’s a level of inhibition that doesn’t exist in the same way when I’m Amy Norton, Sex Blogger and Sex Positive Badass Extraordinaire.

I miss sex-positive spaces

For obvious reasons (no, I’m still not saying that particular C-word on my blog,) I haven’t been in any physical sex-positives spaces in months. No dungeons, play parties, orgies, wild nights, or sleepy morning threesomes. I haven’t even seen my boyfriend in close to six months.

I miss the filthy sex, of course. I miss the naked bodies and the kisses and the fucking and the “ooh, whose hand is that!?” But more than that, I miss the cuddles. The flashes of a grin from across a bed, the catch of the eyes with my partner that means “our life is fucking awesome.”

I miss the safety most of all. The freedom. The ability to be completely and wholly myself, unapologetic and raw and real. A place where my queerness will be celebrated, not looked upon with suspicion. A place where being a kinky queer feminist submissive polyamorous slut is a beautiful thing, not a threat to fragile male egos or straight people’s marriages or the fabric of society itself.

So no, I don’t think it’s frivolous to be said that I haven’t been able to attend an orgy or a dungeon in months. Because what I’m really missing is something we all want: acceptance. Community. Connection.

Sexual freedom is fragile

Those of us who do work in this space have always known that, of course. There will always be far-right campaigners and religious fundamentalists and conversative politicians trying to take away the rights of consenting adults to do their thing.

Now more than ever, we cannot afford to take our sex-positive spaces for granted. We cannot take the freedom we have for granted. Losing access to those spaces for the last few months for public health reasons has thrown a new light on just how important – how essential – they are.

Our sex-positive spaces – our kink clubs, private parties, swinger socials, munches – give us the freedom to be ourselves. They give us a place where no-one thinks who we are and how we love is wrong. And that? That is worth fighting for.

I am glad I didn’t know that the play event I went to in March, where Mr CK and I played next to a gorgeous couple I’ve crushed on for ages, would be the last one for who-knew-how-long. I’m glad I have that memory of one last normal, kinky, filthy Sunday afternoon before everything went to shit.

I just hope we can have more of that soon.

Quote Quest badge, for a post about sexual freedom and sex-positive spaces.

This piece was written for Quote Quest, a new weekly meme by Little Switch Bitch, and this week’s quote was submitted by Yours Truly. Click the button to see who else was inspired by it! And if today’s piece resonated with you, you can always buy me a coffee to say thanks!

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Eroticon 2020: Virtual Meet & Greet

Published on by Amy

Yes, it’s that time again! A week from right now I will be at Eroticon 2020 and I am BUZZING. (Or I will be, when I’ve written my talk. Bad presenter, I know.)

The Eroticon rainbow lips icon

Let’s dive in to the virtual get-to-know-you, shall we?

Name (and Twitter if you have one)

Amy Norton. @CoffeeAndKink on Twitter.

Tell us 3 things you are most looking forward to at Eroticon 2020

  1. Seeing my people! There are so many lovely folks I’m just so looking forward to hugging, catching up and sharing a drink with.
  2. Learning some cool stuff! There are, as always, so many amazing presenters lined up for Eroticon and I can’t wait to soak up all the knowledge in the room. I’m especially excited for Livvy‘s session on the language of anatomy and Meg-John Barker‘s session on consent in erotic fiction and fantasy.
  3. Saturday night! The Saturday night social is always one of my favourite parts of the weekend. I love getting to social butterfly all over the room, chatting to so many amazing people and comparing notes on all the things we learned during the day. I’ve been craving dancing lately, so I’m hoping I might get the opportunity. I might even get the catsuit out again.

Sadly with a change of venue this year for the Friday night meet and greet we won’t be compiling a play list but I know that everyone enjoys that bit so…. What is a song that always makes you want to dance?

Oh god, this is such a cliche, but… Mr Brightside. It’s mine and my best friend’s song and it will never not make me think of him and our university days.

What is the best book you have read in the last 12 months?

I have to pick just ONE!? Okay, fine. *grumble*

I’m going to pick the short story collection You Know You Want This (AKA Cat Person and other Stories) by Kristen Roupenian (she of Cat Person fame.) It’s a collection of vivid, brutal, often violent and always shocking stories which ask some really tough questions about sexuality, relationships and consent – and goes to some pretty dark places in the process. I’m going to write about it soon.

As you sit writing this post what are three things you are grateful for?

1. My cat, who is currently snoozing on his cat tree with his feet pressed up against the radiator for warmth.

2. Good colleagues who are kind, appreciative and fun.

3. Pole dancing and all the wonderful things it has brought to my life.

What is your mobile (cellphone) wallpaper or home screen image?

An abstract image with a quote from the musical RENT: “Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.”

If someone gave you £5000 today which you were not allowed to save but had to spend within 24 hours what would you do with it?

Pay up my grad school fees in advance for the next two and a half years. Boring, but true and necessary.

Complete the sentence: I need..

…about twenty seven more hours in each day, and then I might vaguely be on top of things.

See you all at Eroticon!

Amy x

Eroticon 2019 meet & greet header

Eroticon 2019: Virtual Meet & Greet

Published on by Amy4 Comments

I can hardly believe it’s almost Eroticon time again! This will be my third year going to this amazing conference and I’m so excited. Let’s dive in to another Meet & Greet, shall we?

NAME (and Twitter if you have one)

Amy Norton (CoffeeAndKink on Twitter)

Tell us 3 things you are most looking forward to at Eroticon 2019

  1. Bringing Mr C&K along for the first time and getting to introduce him to so many of my sex blogging friends.
  2. Presenting my first workshop! (Once I’ve actually got around to writing it).
  3. All the new things I’m sure to learn over the weekend. I never come away from Eroticon without a head full of new information and new ideas.

We are creating a play list of songs for the Friday Night Meet and Greet. Nominate one song that you would like us to add to the play list and tell us why you picked that song.

You’ve Been Written by The Vocal Few. Because it’s a gorgeous love-song and is sort of about writing, too.

“I write everything down that I like
and you’ve been written into the songs of my life,
and I like the songs that we write…

The pages filled, recording wars and victories that we’ve been given,
like altars built, preserving all our history, yes we’ve been written
in the melodies you gave to me.”

What is your favorite item or book you’ve purchased so far this year?

Jillian Keenan’s Sex With Shakespeare. “Extraordinary” doesn’t even cover it.

You can have an unlimited supply of one thing for the rest of your life, what is it? Sushi? Scotch Tape?

Self-esteem, since lack of it is the thing that most often holds me back.

What is your favourite quote from a movie?

“Can you see what we’ve done here, by coming together all of us? We made history!” – Pride (2014)

What is your word suggestion to next years Eroticon anthology?

Memory

Complete the sentence:

I feel… as though 2019 is the year I will crack myself open, break apart into tiny pieces and eventually put myself back together again.

Can’t wait to see you all there!