Tag: fifty shades of grey

Header image for Lovehoney Fifty Shades of Grey lingerie Captivate harness body review

[Lingerie Review] Fifty Shades of Grey Captivate Black Flocked Mesh Harness Body

Published on by Amy

[Update 10/05/24: this product has been discontinued. I have removed dead links but left the post up for reference.]

Today’s review is of another offering from Lovehoney’s Captivate Fifty Shades of Grey lingerie and sex toys collection. This line has put out some real hits and a few (for me) misses, so I was excited to try one of the newest pieces in the range. Let’s take a closer look at the Captivate Mesh Harness Body…

Captivate Black Flocked Mesh Harness Body: Details and First Impressions

The Captivate Mesh Harness Body is actually a two-piece set, featuring a slip-on one-piece body and an elasticated harness. Though designed to be worn together, you could easily wear them separately. You could also mix and match, as the harness would pair well with many bodysuits, basques, or bra-and-knickers sets.

The sheer body is made of a semi see-through mesh with a flocked patterned section on either side of the deep V neck. It’s made of a blend of polyester, nylon, and elastane, with a 100% cotton gusset (much healther for your vagina!) It closes behind the neck in a halterneck style, and is backless from the waist up.

The accompanying harness is made up of thick black straps (a nylon/elastane blend) with gold coloured fastenings and adornments. It fastens around your neck in a collar style, and has a central strap running down the centre of your body and between your breasts. Three narrower bands form a waist-accentuating belt, and then lead down to garter-style thigh straps.

When I took the Captivate Harness Body out of its packaging, I had two initial thoughts. The first was “oh, this is pretty!” The second was “how the hell am I going to get into this thing?” There are a lot of straps and fastenings!

Fetish-Inspired Glam

The Captivate Harness Body clearly draws inspiration from some of the common aesthetics of BDSM. Interestingly, it does not strike me as something that the demure, inexperienced, and not-actually-into-BDSM Fifty Shades heroine Anastasia would wear (disclaimer: I only read the first book, so maybe the Ana of later in the series would…?)

The black strapping and O-rings make a strong statement and elevate this piece from a pretty but fairly generic body to a bold BDSM-inspired look. Lovehoney’s model holds matching floggers and is standing in a pose that suggests Femdom to me, but this outfit definitely speaks to my submissive heart. Perhaps it’s the collar neck or the way the straps feel a little like being in a gentle variation of bondage? These things only carry the meaning we give them, of course, so your mileage may vary.

I love the shape of this set when I wear both pieces together. The harness’s waistband creates a beautiful silhouette and the deep V-neck is great for those of us with a lot of cleavage. The patterned mesh is also utterly gorgeous (and, hilariously, reminds me of the wallpaper in my favourite fetish venue…)

Fit and Comfort

The bodysuit part of this set is a breeze to get into. Just step in and secure the halterneck as tight as you’d like it. If you have large boobs, like me, I recommend doing it up a little tighter to help keep them inside the suit! The harness is a little trickier. This does require some patience and to make sure everything is in the right place. I recommend fastening the waistband in front of your body first. Spin it around so the closure is at the back, do the collar next, then finally the legs.

The body is somewhat stretchy, and the halterneck part is adjustable. I ordered a medium, and it fits my size 10/12 body well. The harness is extremely adjustable in pretty much all the places, so you should be able to get a good fit with a bit of tweaking. Once you’ve got it sorted, putting it on the next time is much easier as most of the adjustments stay put when you take it off. This set is available in sizes from UK 6 up to UK 28.

The Captivate Harness Body set is free from wires and the material is lovely and soft, making it comfortable enough to wear all night. I also really appreciate the fact that it offers proper butt coverage and is not a thong!

The only downside is a minor one, and it’s that the three straps of the waistband tend to bunch together and twist. This means I have to manually untangle and adjust them every so often. Shortening the straps that connect the waistband to the leg garters helps, but does not entirely mitigate this problem.

Verdict

Absolutely gorgeous! The Captivate Harness Body set has grown on me the more I’ve worn it. It’s the kind of thing I’d wear to a night at the dungeon or a party with some likeminded kinky friends. My play partner has also expressed a fondness for this one, so I expect it might be getting an outing sometime soon…

The Captivate Mesh Harness Body set retails for £44.99 ($54.99 US).

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the Fifty Shades of Grey Captivate Mesh Harness Body to review. All views and pictures, as always, are mine. Shopping with my affiliate links sends a small commission my way and helps to keep the blog going at no additional cost to you!

Header image for Christmas lingerie wine chiffon plunge body review

[Lingerie Review] Fifty Shades of Grey Captivate Wine Chiffon Plunge Body

Published on by Amy

[Update 10/05/24: this product has been discontinued. I have removed dead links but left the post up for reference.]

It will never cease to amaze me that there exists, out there in the world, an actual published book that contains this line describing a pair of knickers:

“Wow, they feel… slinky… and kind of hot… yeah.”

– Fifty Shades Darker

Further, it will never cease to amaze me that the book containing the above line, and the rest of its series, have collectively made hundreds of millions of dollars.

Still, despite its problematic messaging and dubious writing, the Fifty Shades of Grey series remains ridiculously popular, and new additions to the official Fifty Shades sex toys and lingerie ranges continue to appear. I recently received the Captivate Wine Chiffon Plunge Body from Lovehoney’s Fifty Shades Christmas lingerie collection to try.

Fifty Shades of Grey Captivate Wine Chiffon Plunge Body: First Impressions

The Captivate Wine Chiffon Plunge Body is a beautiful rich red one-piece. The bottom half is pretty floral lace, then it nips in with an elasticated waist (adorned with a gold Fifty Shades charm) and the top half is ultra soft and floaty semi-sheer chiffon. It ties in a halter-neck style at the nape of the neck, and features poppers at the crotch for easy opening and closing.

The fabric is a polyester/polyamide/elastane blend, but the gusset is 100% cotton. This is good news for us folks with vaginas, as wearing manmade fibres in that area can cause issues such as yeast infections, urinary tract infections, and and other vaginal problems. (Source).

I’m immediately in love with the gorgeous colour and the softness of the fabric. Even before I wriggled into it, I had a feeling this one was going to be a hit.

Comfort and Fit

The Captivate Wine Chiffon Plunge Body is unwired and easy to put on. Simply step in, pull it up, and tie it as tightly or loosely as you like. If tying things behind your neck is tricky or impossible for you, you might need someone else to help with this one. Pro tip: if, like me, you’re large busted, tying it slightly tighter will help your boobs to stay inside the garment instead of popping out!

Lovehoney’s advertising copy sells this as “comfortable enough to sleep in”. While I think that’s really overselling it (no-one is actually sleeping in this thing, surely?) it is pretty damn comfortable. The soft fabric is pleasant to wear, the waistband isn’t too tight, and it doesn’t have any wires or scratchy parts.

I received the Captivate Wine Chiffon Plunge Body in a medium, which fits my size 10/12 frame well. It’s available in all sizes from UK 6 to 28 and other reviews likewise indicate that it runs true to size on most people.

As it’s unwired and not tightly fitted, the Captivate Wine Chiffon Plunge Body doesn’t offer much in the way of lift. That’s a definite plus for me (my boobs prefer to be free!) But it’s something to bear in mind if you prefer more structured and supportive pieces.

Fifty Shades of Hot?

(I’m sorry, y’all. Truly).

This piece is absolutely dreamy for me. I love almost everything – the cut, the colour, the fit, the fabric. The contrast between the figure-hugging bottom half and the looser top half is ideal for me (I love my butt and waist and am less confident about my large boobs). The floaty, drapey chiffon gives a fun and flirtatious look, and the lace is glamorously feminine.

Verdict

This is my favourite new piece of lingerie I’ve received in a long time. It’s such a fabulous colour and makes me look and feel gorgeously femme. Though it’ll look great all year round, the red is particularly suited to the festive season.

It also arrives packaged in a branded Fifty Shades bag, which is great for gifting (watch out for this one appearing in my Christmas Gift Guide this weekend!)

The Captivate Wine Chiffon Plunge Body retails for £44.99 ($54.99 US).

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this piece to review. Affiliate links appear within this post. All views and pictures are, as ever, mine.

Header image for Fifty Shades of Grey Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator

[Toy Review] Lovehoney Fifty Shades of Grey Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator

Published on by Amy1 Comment

[Update 02/11/23: this toy has been discontinued. I have removed dead links but left the post up for information.]

I think we all know how I feel about Fifty Shades of Grey as a cultural phenomenon by now, don’t we? In case you don’t, here’s a quick primer: it romanticises domestic abuse, gets BDSM dangerously wrong, and is just horribly written considering how much money it made.

However, I’m also a realist, and I know that this genie is out of the bottle, so to speak. People are going to come to sex positivity, BDSM, and sex toys via the Fifty Shades route. As a kinkster, sex positive educator, and pleasure product expert, I think those of us already in these communities have a big responsibility to these newcomers. And that responsibility is to welcome them. To provide resources. To be there for them and to show them that while Fifty Shades might be a fun fantasy (if you like that sort of thing), the reality is so much cooler and more exciting.

That’s why I’m glad that, when the inevitable Fifty Shades of Grey vibrators and other Fifty Shades sex toys emerged, they were at least well-designed and body safe.

All this to say I’m reviewing another toy from Lovehoney’s official Fifty Shades range: the Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator.

Fifty Shades Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator

Fifty Shades of Grey Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator

The Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator measures 4.5″ in length, and tapers from a wide base to a narrow, pointed tip. When switched on, this tip “flickers” against your clit as the toy vibrates.

In the box, you’ll find the toy as well as a USB charging cable and a storage bag made from REPREVE® recycled plastic (eco-friendly, yay!)

Fifty Shades of Grey vibrator and sex toy storage bag

The Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator is made of smooth matte black silicone, which is non-porous and body-safe. It’s also submersible, should you want to use it in water (this also makes cleaning easier).

Sensation-al?

After some recent positive experiences with tongue vibrators, I was hopeful that the Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator would be another surprising gem. Unfortunately, that wasn’t to be. On the whole, this toy didn’t work for me.

The first problem is the pointy tip. While I sometimes enjoy pinpoint clitoral stimulation, the Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator’s silicone tip felt more like something jabbing my clit than stimulating it. (I mean, maybe that’s your thing? If so, live your best life! But it’s not mine). It was a little better when I used it sideways on or over my clitoral hood, but with the slightest wrong move, the pokey sensation was back.

Fifty Shades of Grey vibrator tongue vibe

The second problem is that the motor is not very strong, and buzzy as hell to boot. After ten minutes or so of vainly chasing an orgasm, I was annoyed and had a numb clit.

Finally, the user interface. The Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator has a single button interface and a whopping 20 patterns and settings. This means that if you want to turn the power down a notch, or return to a previous pattern, you’re left scrolling alllllllll the way back through. I don’t know about you, but having to press a button 20 times just to get the setting I want seriously impedes my getting-off game.

Fifty Shades of Grey Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator
Fifty Shades of Grey Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator

Good point, because credit where credit is due: the Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator is quiet. That and its body-safe material, though, are about the only good things I can say about it.

Verdict

Overall, I found the Fifty Shades of Grey Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator disappointing. With a stronger and rumblier motor, it could be fine for people who like very pinpointed stimulation. With a stronger motor, a less pointy tip, and a better button system, it could be excellent. But the current product is lacklustre at best and I doubt I’ll use it again.

Skip it and get a decent bullet vibe instead.

The Sensation Flickering Tongue Vibrator retails for £36.99 ($44.99 US) at Lovehoney.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this product to review. All views, as always, are my own. Affiliate links appear in this post.

Header image for review of Lovehoney Fifty Shades spanking dress

[Lingerie Review] Lovehoney Captivate Black Lace Spanking Dress

Published on by Amy

It’s almost Valentine’s Day, which can mean only one thing: a host of new lingerie and sex toy offerings! This is my third review of Lovehoney’s new Fifty Shades of Grey-inspired Captivate range.

By the way: there’s still time to join our free smut slam if you’re looking for a fun and socially-distanced Valentine’s Day activity!

Today we’re looking at…

Captivate Black Lace Spanking Dress

I love one-piece lingerie. I love it because it’s usually relatively comfortable, easy to wear, and easy to get on and off during sex club adventures. (*sigh* sex clubs… remember those?) It’s also often more forgiving for those of us who are well-endowed in the boob department.

So I was excited to try out the Captivate Spanking Dress.

Fifty Shades of Grey spanking dress packaging

It came packaged in a cardboard sleeve featuring a picture of the model and a hilarious(ly terrible) Fifty Shades quote on the back.

Fifty Shades of Grey Fifty Shades Darker quote

Inside, the dress was packaged inside a plastic film wrapper, with a piece of cardboard inside to help it keep its shape.

Lovehoney Captivate Spanking Dress

First impressions: wow, this is super tiny! I can’t see any way I’m ever going to fit in that! However, I quickly realised that it is also super stretchy. This “one size” version fits me (a size 12/14) comfortably, and is supposed to fit anyone from size 8-16. There’s also two plus-size versions, one to fit sizes 18-24 and one to fit sizes 26-30.

The floral mesh is pretty and feminine with just a little bit of a kink-inspired edge. The skirt reaches to just below the butt, and the hem and neckline are edged with pretty floral lace trim. The deep V-neck gives amazing cleavage, and the collar-style neck adds to the soft BDSM aesthetic.

At the back, the butt is fully cut away which is both sexy as hell and allows easy access for impact play. Wearing it just makes me want to bend over and get spanked!

The Captivate Black Lace Spanking Dress retails for £24.99 ($26.99 US) from Lovehoney.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me these knickers to review. All thoughts, as always, my own. Shopping via my affiliate links sends a small commission my way at no extra cost to you.

Header image for review of Captivate lace open-back knickers from Lovehoney Fifty Shades lingerie range

[Lingerie Review] Lovehoney Captivate Lace Open-Back Knickers

Published on by Amy

Valentine’s Day is coming up! Whether you’re looking for a gift for a lover, a sexy treat for yourself, or ignoring the day altogether, this is always a great time of year for new lingerie and sex toy releases. Lovehoney’s new Captivate lingerie line has just launched in time for Valentine’s, and I’ve got a couple of mini reviews coming out this week.

By the way: are you looking for a fun stay-at-home Valentine’s date idea? Join us for our seasonal and totally free smut slam!

The Captivate line is inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey, which I… don’t love. To address something people keep asking me, I review Fifty Shades-inspired products because the reality is that a LOT of people will come to sexual exploration via that franchise, and I want to give them informed choice about what’s worth their money.

Today, we’re looking at…

Captivate Lace Open-Back Knickers

These crotchless knickers came packaged in a black and grey cardboard sleeve bearing the Captivate branding. Recyclable, yay!

Fifty Shades of Grey Captivate knickers packaging

The less said about THIS insult to literature that’s printed on the reverse side, the better:

Fifty Shades of Grey Fifty Shades Darker quote

The knickers are folded neatly inside the sleeve.

Fifty Shades of Grey black crotchless knickers

First impressions: the lace feels nice and soft, and I like the feminine combination of the floral motif and frilly trim around the split. A black bow adds a cute finishing touch. I’ll probably cut off the Fifty Shades insignia charm, to be honest.

These knickers are open at the crotch and butt for ease of access for sex, spanking, or whatever else you feel like doing. The effect is a sexy, oval-shaped opening, showing off your butt.

I love lingerie that is sexy without being horrendously uncomfortable, and these knickers deliver. They sit comfortably, don’t pinch or dig in anywhere, and the lace is soft enough for all-day wear.

The Captivate Lace Open-Back Knickers are available in 4 sizes, to fit UK sizes 8 to 22. I’m currently wearing a 12/14 and I ordered the M/L size as recommended, which ran true to size and fit me well. The waistband and leg holes are stretchy, allowing for some wiggle-room on sizing.

Captivate Lace Open-Back Knickers retail for £12.99 from Lovehoney ($16.99 US). Enter my code “AFF-COFFKINK10” in the coupon box at checkout to get 10% off your entire order.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me these knickers to review. All thoughts, as always, my own. Shopping via my affiliate links sends a small commission my way at no extra cost to you.

Header image for review of the Fifty Shades of Grey lingerie Captivate Bra Set

[Lingerie Review] Lovehoney Fifty Shades of Grey Captivate Bra Set

Published on by Amy1 Comment

[Update 01/11/23: this product has been discontinued. I have removed dead links but left the post up for information.]

I don’t think it’s a secret to anyone that I’m not a fan of Fifty Shades of Grey. At alllll. But, as I said a long time ago, a lot of people are – and if they’re going to look for sexy products based on that franchise, I want them to at least get decent quality stuff for their money.

With that said, I was excited to receive three items of lingerie to review from Lovehoney’s new Fifty Shades inspired line in time for Valentine’s day. Today, we’re looking at the Black and Gold Captivate Bra Set.

First impressions…

This set is a bit of a departure from my usual tastes. I don’t normally wear anything yellow/gold (not even yellow gold jewellery.) It just doesn’t really fit with my aesthetic.

With that said, I did immediately think how pretty this set was when I took it out of the packaging. It’s a two-piece bra-and-knickers set, black and decorated with embroidered gold roses. It’s elegant and it adds a different and unusual twist to your standard black lingerie.

The bra is a pretty straightforward full cup, longline underwired bra. A detachable satin strap leads from between the cups up to the attached choker, which is made of the same black lace with gold roses. The high-waisted knickers feature strappy sides and back for an unusual and sexy bondage-inspired look, plus more little roses at the point where the butt meets the lower back.

The Captivate line is at the higher end of Lovehoney’s price range, with this Captivate Bra Set retailing for £59.99 ($74.99 US). There are a lot of gorgeous pieces in the collection, so do take a look!

Comfort and Fit

I have encountered, yet again, the eternal lingerie problem of My Boobs Just Don’t Fucking Fit.

I’m a size 14 and I ordered the large as recommended. The knickers fit me super well, and every strap is adjustable so you can get the best fit for you.

The bra though… yeah.

I understand why these lines are done in simple S/M/L sizes to make them more affordable, but it’s a real gamble whether the corresponding cup sizes will work for any individual wearer. If I had to guess, I’d say maybe the large would fit a D or DD cup? My poor G cups don’t stand a chance and just ended up feeling squished and stabbed by wires, with folds of boob spilling out every time I stand up or move.

The bra back band and straps are adjustable, so that’s a plus. But be aware of the sizing issue if you have boobs that are much bigger or smaller than the average (whatever that means) for your body size.

Look and Materials

The Captivate Bra Set is made of black satin with black lace and gold embroidery accent. The fabrics are high-quality and luxurious, and feel lovely and soft against my skin. Its clear to me that these pieces are well-made and, with the right care, should last a good long time.

I think this set is objectively very pretty, but I’m not sure it looks great on me. The shape of the knickers is flattering and enhances my curves and butt, but I’m not convinced the yellow/gold is a great colour on me.

Verdict

I’ll almost certainly wear the knickers again, because they fit well and I love the shape. The bra, sadly, is a complete no-go for me and I’ll probably pass it on to someone else with a smaller cup size.

A lovely set for the right wearer, but not a big winner for me.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this set in exchange for an honest review. All views, as ever, are my own. Using my affiliate links supports the blog at no extra cost to you.

Man in a suit. For a post about positive masculinity in erotica

Positive Masculinity in Erotica (for International Men’s Day)

Published on by Amy1 Comment

As a feminist, I’m in favour of many of the aims of International Men’s Day. Does that surprise you? It shouldn’t. There are tonnes of really important issues affecting men today – from lack of mental health support which leads to a much higher suicide rate for men, to male victims of rape or domestic violence going unacknowledged.

What I don’t believe, however, is that feminism – or women – are responsible for these issues. They’re a symptom of patriarchy, the fucked up system under which we all live, and which also harms men – in different ways to the ways it harms women, sure, but harm nontheless.

But plenty of better writers than me have already said all of these things much more eloquently than I have. And this is a sex blog, after all! So in celebration of International Men’s Day, I wanted to share with you some of my favourite examples of positive masculinity, as portrayed in erotica. Because Fifty Shades of Grey is all well and good[1], but Christian Grey is fundamentally a misogynist and a rapist – literally the embodiment of toxic masculinity in sexy-pants, richer-than-God, sold-100-million-copies packaging.

Let’s dive in, shall we?

Bruce Shepherd – The ‘Swingularity’ series by Cooper S Beckett

Anyone who has read these books will be unsurprised to know I have a huge character-crush on Bruce. What I love about him is that he’s confident as hell (to the point of juuuust occasionally coming across a tad arrogant) but is actually a complete softie and quite vulnerable underneath it all. The sex is hot as fuck (of course) but it’s the emotional depth of this novel that really draws me in.

Bruce’s struggle to let go of the past, his enduring love for Paige, and his desire to save everyone – even to his own detriment – combined with the older-man sexiness make him a romantic character I can’t resist.

“Are you still upset with me?” he asks after a long silence.
She turns, surprise on her face. “No, I’m…”
He waits.
“She’s inside me too, you know.”

Neil Elwood – The Boss, Abigail Barnette

If you like billionaire-older-man romance, Neil Elwood is a much more positive antidote to Christian Grey. The romantic relationship between Neil and Sophie is built upon trust, mutual respect and actually getting to know one another, not upon fear and bullying-masquerading-as-dominance.

Neil is not threatened by Sophie’s success in her career and explicitly doesn’t use his position to sexually manipulate her. And he’s willing to admit when he’s wrong. Oh, and crucially, there’s tonnes of explicit and enthusiastic consent. Proof that masculinity – and dominance – doesn’t have to be based on brutality.

He kissed me hard, his hand tangled in my long hair, and when we were both breathless he lifted his head to answer my question.
“Not now. I thought I’d lay you down on this sofa and bury my face in your cunt first. Unless you object…”

Johnathan – The Adventures of Sir & Babygirl, Kayla Lords

This is a really lovely, sweet-yet-sexy romance about a woman recovering from a broken heart and a Daddy Dom she meets through her blog. What I love about it is how respectfully Johnathan approaches Katie, and how he slowly gains her trust as their relationship develops. There’s a constant underlying thread of consent – even as simple as “don’t feel pressured to answer all the questions I ask you”. The biggest character trait I get from Johnathan is kindness, which is underrated but extremely powerful when combined with just the right amount of sexual dominance – and I am very very here for it.

“Look at me, girl!” Johnathan’s voice took on a feral tone. “I want you as a woman and as a submissive. I will not deny my nature any longer. I also won’t force you to accept something you don’t want. But I think you want this as much as I do. If you do, tell me. We’ll go slow, but just fucking tell me.”

See? Everyone who told you that women only like slathering rapey beasts was full of shit. Give me kind, respectful dominants who value consent and mutual pleasure any day. Who are your favourite examples of positive masculinity in erotica, and why?

[1] *Narrator voice* “Fifty Shades was not, in fact, all well and good at all.”

Header image for a post about the problems I have with the Fifty Shades of Grey series

Yes, I Have a Problem with Fifty Shades… But It’s Not What You Think

Published on by Amy2 Comments

It’s actually more accurate to say I have several problems with Fifty Shades of Grey, the infamous erotic trilogy (plus rewrites-with-the-pronouns-flipped) about the kinky-ish love between naive college student Anastasia Steele and young handsome billionaire  Christian Grey.

Yes, I’ve read the first book, and enough of the second and third to get the gist. I’ve also read Cliff Pervocracy and Jenny Trout’s recaps (which are hilarious, by the way). Make no mistake: these books are horribly written and I did not find them erotic in the slightest. The sex depicted in them is either boringly vanilla, dubiously consensual (or straight up rapey), or both. The main characters are both awful people and the dialogue is about as sexy as a root canal.

As a kinkster, I hate that people think this is what we’re about. As a person with professional ethics, I hate that it’s Twilight fanfiction with the names changed (reading and writing fanfic for fun is just fine, but making money off it is called “stealing someone else’s intellectual property”). And as a writer, I think it’s a travesty that Ms. James has made more money than anyone ever needs in a lifetime, while genuinely talented artists are underpaid and undervalued every day.

So yes. I have issues with this book. But they’re not that it’s an unrealistic kinky romance between a clumsy high-schooler virginal college student and a vampire billionaire.

“But it’s fantasy!” fans cry.

And yes. It is. Look, I’ll be the last person to tell you that you can’t have your fantasies, even your problematic ones. Fantasy is not reality and fantasy exists to enable us to escape from the real world for a while. And nowhere is that more true than in sexual fantasy.

A huge part of the reason that erotica and porn should only be accessed by adults is that adults, typically, understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Jaime Mortimer wrote a really good post on this recently.

I’m not going to infantilise everyone who reads Fifty Shades or any other problematic book and tell you that it’s going to turn you into a rapist or make you leave your husband for an emotionally stunted billionare (or a vampire in a Volvo). I read plenty of erotic fiction and plenty of it has themes that would be super problematic if they were real – doctor/patient scenarios, professor/student scenarios, consensual-non-consent roleplay, voyeurism and exhibitionism, public sex and more are just some of the themes I’ve enjoyed in my sexy fiction.

Guess what? Fantasy. And again: adults, overall, have the capability to understand the difference between fantasy and reality.

So enjoy Fifty Shades, if it’s your thing, as a fantasy about a naive young woman being seduced by an dude with more money than God and pants that hang from his hips (yes, this is an actual line in the book). Enjoy the light BDSM, the sexy  helicopter rides, the grumpy, brooding, damaged male lead if you want to. I’ll be the last person to judge you for enjoying some silly escapism or some improbable erotica if that’s what gets you off.

My problem with Fifty Shades is actually in the social and cultural narrative surrounding Fifty Shades.

Because this is not a great love story. This is not something to which young women should aspire! And the problem is that it’s being sold that way.

There is tonnes of erotica (and straight romantic fiction) out there that relies on problematic tropes and scenarios that are hot in fiction but would be a terrible idea in reality. That’s fine. Again: fantasy is cool, y’all!

But none of that has the marketing power behind it that Fifty Shades does. Ms James and her publishing team have made their collective fortunes not on selling Fifty Shades as fluffy erotic fantasy, but on selling Fifty Shades as a style of relationship to which we should all aspire.

And that is what is dangerous about this book. Not the fantasy it depicts, but the marketing power that sells that fantasy as genuinely aspirational. Because make no mistake, the relationship between Christian and Ana is very often abusive.

How many young women do you think have watched this movie, and decided that if this is romance, my boyfriend must only be super jealous and controlling because he loves me? Or, Ana loves Christian out of abusing her, so if only I behaved better my husband would stop hitting me? Maybe not in quite so literal terms, but make no mistake – these messages are out there, and victims of abuse are listening and absorbing.

You might think this is hyperbole, but it’s not. This is the kind of power that massive marketing budgets, ingrained cultural narratives about love, and a total lack of sensible sex-and-relationships education has.

I don’t blame Fifty Shades for my own experience in an abusive D/s relationship, of course. But I do partly blame growing up surrounded by the idea that if a man hurt me, my job was to heal him so he could love me properly in the end. Fifty Shades didn’t come out until I was 21. It wasn’t the first example of “he hurts you because he loves you” and it won’t be the last. But it might be the most culturally pervasive example of this particularly damaging trope.

Fifty Shades is far from the only story to suffer from this phenomenon

We have always built collective cultural narratives around these deeply problematic stories. I am reasonably confident in saying I doubt that Shakespeare intended Romeo & Juliet to be considered the greatest love story of all time. If you read it as a love story and analyse it for more than three seconds, it’s a ridiculous play. If you reread it as a satire about “love at first sight” and teenage stupidity, though, it becomes utterly brilliant. (While we’re at it, Wuthering Heights isn’t a great love story either. And Christian Grey bears a passing resemblence to Heathcliff in a variety of ways.)

Despite being for children, even Disney movies sell us some pretty horrible messages about relationships. Think about it: marriage is the ultimate goal for any girl. Once a man chooses you, you’ll live happily ever after.  Cinderella tells us to be good and subservient and pretty until a man rescues us; The Little Mermaid tells us that what we have to say is the least valuable thing about us; Sleeping Beauty suggests that kissing a sleeping stranger is totes a sensible and romantic thing to do… and so it goes on. We’re drip-fed these messages from earliest childhood, so is it really any wonder that so many of us grow up with totally screwed up ideas about what relationships are actually supposed to look like?

Don’t ban – educate

In closing: I don’t support the banning of Fifty Shades or other problematic stories. Fantasy is important and something we should all be able to have access to. Instead, we need a greater cultural understanding and greater education around separating fantasy from reality, and understanding what healthy relationships actually are.

I’d be much happier with the thousands and thousands of twenty-something women enjoying Fifty Shades as sexy, escapist fantasy if they weren’t already surrounded by a culture that teaches them if he hits you, it’s your job to be better so he can heal from his fucked up past.

If you enjoyed this post, please consider buying me a coffee.

A woman's hand grasping a sheet in orgasm

Men: Her Orgasm Is Not About Your Ego

Published on by Amy1 Comment

This is my third post of #Smutathon2018: #SmutForChoice Edition. Please donate to our page for Abortion Support Network, and don’t forget to leave your email address or Twitter handle so we can enter you into the raffle to win some awesome sex toys!

Dear Well-Meaning Cishet Man,

This one’s for you.

You’re a good guy, right? You care about your sexual partner’s pleasure, and her orgasms. You even eat pussy! When DJ Khaled’s comments surfaced about “different rules” for men re. oral sex, you probably tweeted furiously “I’M A GUY AND I LOVE EATING PUSSY”.

Well, okay. But slow down. I want you to read this with an open mind, and try not to feel attacked. That’s not my aim.

However, please – please – stop making your female partners’ orgasms about your ego! Let me explain.

When I started having partnered sex in my mid and late teens, my boyfriend compelled me to tell him I’d never had an orgasm before I met him. He’d decided this was the case.  Telling him it wasn’t seemed like it wouldn’t achieve anything but bruising his ego. He was very into the fantasy of me as the perfect innocent. So I went with it.

I think a lot of young women have similar experiences. Their (also young and often inexperienced) boyfriends want to feel like sex gods who introduce them to a world of pleasure they never knew existed before. They don’t want to hear “I’ve been having orgasms by myself for years”. This narrative is a big part of the Fifty Shades of Grey fantasy. Ana has not only never masturbated or had an orgasm. She’s never even thought a sexual thought until Christian “I-Don’t-Make-Love-I-Fuck-Hard” Grey deigns to deflower her.

How this played out for me was thus: he didn’t really know what I liked. I knew what I liked, but couldn’t tell him because then he’d known I’d – gasp – had sexual feelings and even touched myself before he showed up. So a long time was spent with him trying to get me off, and either getting pissed off that it took so long (when I got there at all) or me faking it because dude, it’s been two hours, my clit is rubbed raw. 

This is, of course, a sex education problem. We don’t teach young women that exploring their bodies is okay. We don’t teach boys that girls masturbate and hey, she might know a thing or two about her own body! Instead, we glorify this notion of “I’ve never felt anything like this before!” even when you’ve totally felt something like that before… a lot.

A big part of the problem, though, is that these attitudes don’t really change as we get older! I remember reading in a glossy magazine (it was probably Cosmo?) advice along the lines of “when he whips out a new move in bed, tell him you’ve never done that before, even though you totally did that with your ex”. (That’s how Cosmo talks, right?) The point is that women are still supposed to coddle our male partners’ egos to the point of straight-up lying to them, in order to pretend they’re the only person who has ever unlocked our sexuality.

This also plays out in other ways. I hang out on the Sex Toys forum at Reddit and also similar groups on Fetlife, and time and again men will post: “looking for a sex toy for my partner, but it needs to not be too big or powerful. Don’t want it to replace me!” But what if that big dildo or power-tool vibrator could give their partner the best, most explosive orgasms of her life? I guess it doesn’t matter – what they’re thinking about is not her pleasure, but being upstaged.

Men: women’s sexuality does not exist to stroke your ego! If your partner has a rich and fulfilling erotic life with herself, and/or had a rich and fulfilling erotic life with other partners before you came along, this doesn’t imply anything about you! When she uses toys, she’s not replacing you!

If you want your partner to never have masturbated (or to pretend she’s never masturbated,) or if you want your partner to have never had good sex with anyone else until you came along, you are not being sex positive. You are not being a good lover. You’re making your partner’s sexuality a receptacle for your ego.

And this brings me on to the Great Pussy Eating Debate of 2018, and the problems I see with it. Obviously, what DJ Khaled said was gross, as are all the other ridiculous things straight men have said about going down on people with vulvas. However, a lot of the responses pissed me off too. A lot of men felt the need to weigh in on how THEY always go down on their partners. Which… might seem harmless but is actually indicative of a particularly insidious form of virtue signalling that often comes into play around (particularly heterosexual) sex.

Prioritising your partner’s pleasure isn’t something to brag about. It’s the bare fucking minimum.

The other place I see this kind of ego-tripping manifest is around the issue of whether or not a woman orgasms during a sexual encounter with a man – and how that orgasm happens, if indeed there is one.

Too often, I hear “I want to make her cum from intercourse, no clitoral stimulation, what am I doing wrong?”.  What you’re doing wrong, my dude, is prioritising your fucking ego over her fucking orgasm. The vast majority of people with vulvas don’t experience orgasm from penetration alone. This is normal. What you need to do is realise you don’t actually have a problem that needs solving. Talk to your partner, and stimulate her fucking clit the way she likes.

Basically: sex is much better when you take your ego out of it. I promise.

Header image for a review of the Fifty Shades Freed Lavish Attention vibrator

[Toy Review] Lovehoney “Fifty Shades Freed” Lavish Attention Vibrator

Published on by Amy

Update: this product has been discontinued

First, let’s address the elephant in the room.

I thought long and hard about whether or not to request, or accept, any of Lovehoney’s new Fifty Shades line of toys for review after attending their recent affiliate product showcase. In the end, I made a balanced decision that yes, I would review this line. Let me tell you why.

To say I have issues with the Fifty Shades franchise is an understatement. I believe those books are not just poorly written and questionably researched portrayals of bad BDSM – I actually believe they’re really harmful. The way they’re written, and marketed, passes off stalking, psychological abuse, disregard for consent and even rape as romantic. Check out Jenny Trout’s series or my friend Christine’s blog if you would like to learn why more and more sex-positive feminists are speaking out against this series.

However. A terrible first introduction though it is, more and more people are finding BDSM and the kink and sex-positive communities via this franchise. They read the book or watch the film and get turned on by all the kinky sex. “I want to do that!” they think. Okay. So where do they go? Maybe they search online. If they’re lucky, they’ll find brilliant educational resources. If they poke around for any length of time in the internet kinkosphere, they’ll probably land on Fetlife sooner or later. They might come to a munch. And they might go and buy a sex toy, possibly for the first time ever.

The seasoned kinksters among us may roll our eyes each February when the newest film brings the influx of “the Fifty Shades crowd” to our online spaces or our local munch. But if we do not welcome these people, we are doing them a great disservice. If we push them away or look down on them, we’re completely failing to live up to our purported values of inclusion, respect and community. Not only that, but pushing them away means they’re more likely to practice kink in unsafe and uninformed ways, imitating what they’ve read in that trilogy. If we welcome them in, they will have access to tremendous resources of knowledge, experience and education. I’ve seen plenty of people who came to kink via Fifty Shades grow into fantastic, skilled, responsible kinksters.

People who come to kink via less-than-ideal source material deserve resources and information. They deserve support, a loving community and the same access to education that every single one of us needed when we were new, regardless of our route into the community.

They also deserve safe and quality toys.

The way I see it, the majority of people who are likely to gravitate towards Fifty Shades branded toys will probably fall closer to the “new/inexperienced” end of the demographic spectrum. They may never have purchased a vibrator or dildo before in their life! They’ll probably be completely overwhelmed by the sheer quantity and variety of toys on offer. If Fifty Shades was their way in – or even if it wasn’t, but it’s still the main current cultural touchstone for “kinky sex” – they may well gravitate towards these branded toys. People feel comforted by the familiar.

This, in a nutshell, is why I am glad that Lovehoney have made this Fifty Shades Freed line in the way they have. Having seen most of the products in the flesh (um, as it were,) I feel happy to say they’re a body-safe, user-friendly and just flat out good quality line of toys. I’m glad that inexperienced folks, new to the world of sex toys, are going to get quality products and not some shitty jelly-rubber, phthalate-ridden piece of crap when they Google “Fifty Shades sex toys”. (And yes, this is the first link that comes up when you do that search. I checked.)

With that out of the way… what did I think of the Lavish Attention?

The |Lovehoney Fifty Shades Freed Lavish Attention vibrator. A half moon shaped vibrator with a handle in a lovely plum colour;.

The Lavish Attention vibrator is a dual clitoral and G-spot toy. Its shape is like a half moon on top of a handle. The internal part is nice and slim, with a circumference of about 4 inches at the widest part, and flexible. When this is inserted, the external part – which is more rigid – rests against the clitoris. Both vibrate. The Lavish Attention has 3 constant vibration speeds and 7 patterns. It’s USB rechargeable, waterproof, travel-lockable, and comes with a handy – and stylish – purple storage bag.

I wasn’t sure I would enjoy this toy, as dual-stim toys often aren’t very effective for me, but I like to broaden my horizons and expand my preferences. However, I found the shape and size of the Lavish Attention perfect to comfortably stimulate both my G-spot and clitoris without much weird maneuvering required.

Unusually, I also enjoyed the vibration patterns on this toy. I think having internal stimulation slightly changes how my clitoris responds to things, though I am still figuring out exactly how this works. There are some caveats – read on for those! – but I’m happy to recommend the Lavish Attention as a solid quality toy.

My Ratings (all scores out of 5★)

Price: ★★★
This toy retails at Lovehoney – currently the exclusive carrier! – for £59.99 ($69.99 US). This puts it squarely into the mid-price bracket. You can often get heavy discounts if you buy two or more products from the same range. I also note that Lovehoney have a stellar returns policy.

Materials: ★★★★★
The Lavish Attention is made of premium quality matte silicone and feels absolutely gorgeous. It’s the kind of toy you just want to stroke because it feels so lovely.

Appearance: ★★★★
One of the big plus points for the whole Freed range, for me, is how pretty they are. They’re all the same plum silicone with rose gold accents. The look is stylish, sensual and sexy as fuck. If it didn’t have the Fifty Shades logo emblazoned upon it, it would be the perfect aesthetic for a sex toy in my opinion.

Ease of Use: ★★★
I generally find dual-stim vibes take some practice and some experimentation to find the best position to use them. This was no exception. I also found it slightly awkward to hold due to the positioning of the handle. It is nice and light, which is a big plus and particularly relevant for anyone who struggles to hold heavier toys due to disability or injury. My biggest gripe is that you can’t turn the speed and pattern settings down – if you want to get back to the previous setting, you have to cycle alllllll the way back through.

Ease of care & cleaning: ★★★★★
You can clean the Lavish Attention, as with any silicone toy, with a sterile body-safe wipe. These are available cheaply in bulk from medical suppliers. This toy is completely waterproof which means you can submerge it to clean. The internal piece can easily be covered with a condom, but it’s not so easy to use with a barrier externally.

Versatility: ★★★
The Lavish Attention has 3 speeds and 7 patterns, making it nice and versatile whichever you prefer. One feature I would have liked would be the option to control the internal and external vibrations independently of each other. The shape makes it safe for anal use, and I imagine the external stimulator could feel really nice against the perineum during anal play if that’s your jam. It is fully waterproof, so safe for bathtime play.

Intensity: ★★★
As ever, please remember I am the biggest Power Queen who ever Power Queened. The vibrations were adequate and got me off, but nothing spectacular. The vibration quality is a little buzzy.

Overall Score: ★★★
A reasonably solid if imperfect dual-stim toy which I enjoyed using. I’ve marked it up for being body-safe, fully waterproof, gorgeous looking and relatively quiet. It loses points, though, for the mediocre power and for the lack of dual controls for the two motors.

I don’t recommend this toy to lovers of girth – it’s definitely slimline – or those who like their vibrations powerful very powerful or rumbly.

Lovehoney sent me the Lavish Attention vibrator in exchange for an honest review. This in no way affects my opinions which are, and will always be, entirely my own. Buying through my links helps support me with a small commission and keep the blog going. Toy image is by Lovehoney and reproduced here with their kind permission.