Praise Kink Phrases: What is a Praise Kink and How Can You Enjoy It?

Once in a while, I check the search terms people use to find me. For the last few months, the term “praise kink” has popped up again and again. Which is interesting, considering this is something I’ve never actually written about!

So I thought it would be fun to talk about it. What is a praise kink, what are some praise kink phrases you can use, and what do you need to know about this incredibly popular fetish?

Let’s dive in and find out!

What is a Praise Kink?

In short, it’s exactly what it sounds like. Someone with a praise kink gets off on being praised, complimented, or receiving verbal approval.

“But doesn’t everyone love praise?” you’re probably asking. And yes, many of us do! But having a praise kink isn’t quite the same thing. For people with this kink, receiving praise might elicit a sexual response, send them to subspace or Topspace (yes, it’s more common amongst submissives in my experience, but Tops and Dominants can have a praise kink too!) or otherwise have an impact beyond just “warm fuzzies from receiving a compliment”.

I don’t think there’s any actual data on this (can someone finance this study immediately please?) but I suspect there is a lot of crossover between those who enjoy praise in a kink context and those who have words of affirmation as one of their primary love languages.

Praise kink is often seen as being part of the softer, gentler type of BDSM. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be! As with all kinky things, it can be whatever you make of it.

Do You Have a Praise Kink?

You might be reading this article wondering if this description applies to you. Sorry, I can’t answer this for you! The only person who knows for sure if you have a praise kink is you.

But consider these questions:

Do you have a sexual, submissive/dominant, or otherwise kink-based response to receiving praise?

Do you enjoy sex or a kink scene more when your partner gives you lots of positive verbal feedback?

When you think back on your hottest sex/kink scenes, do the complimentary things your partner said to you stand out as one of your favourite parts?

If any of these sound like you, then you might have a praise kink!

It’s important to note that praise kinks can be very contextual. While some people might find it hot whenever anyone gives them praise or a compliment, others find that this desire is specifically directed towards those with whom they have some kind of attraction, sexual relationship, or kink dynamic.

Some Praise Kink Phrases You Can Use

Ultimately, the best way to learn what praise kink phrases will work for your partner is to ask them. Communication, understanding one another, and listening to feedback will get you further than a list of ideas ever will.

But if you’re not sure where to start, here are a few to get you started.

  • “You’re such a good… [girl/boy/slut/pet/their favourite term of endearment]”
  • “You’re doing/you did really well.”
  • “You look so beautiful/handsome/sexy when you… [insert activity here]”
  • “I’m so proud of you.”
  • “I love how well you took that spanking for me.”
  • “That feels amazing, keep doing that.”
  • “I love it when you… [insert action or activity here]”
  • “I can’t stop thinking about when you [insert hot or sexy thing they did here]”
  • “Your ass looks incredible in those knickers
  • “You’re so good at [eating my pussy/sucking my cock/fucking me/insert activity here]”
  • “I can’t wait to show you off to everyone at the club”
  • “You’re strong, I know you can take it for me”
  • “You’re so loved and cherished

These are all just ideas and you will undoubtedly come up with your own as you explore. Remember: the only right way to do it is the way that works for you and your partner.

Do you have a favourite praise kink phrase? Share them in the comments if so!

This post contains affiliate links. All views are mine.

[Guest Post] Aftercare for D-Types: Mental, Emotional and Physical by Kelvin Sparks

I recently put out a call for guest bloggers to write about aftercare in BDSM from the Dominant’s perspective. I published the first post earlier this week. Today’s, by Kelvin Sparks (he/him), is the second. Kelvin has written for C&K once before.

Amy x

Aftercare for D-Types: Mental, Emotional and Physical by Kelvin Sparks

Aftercare—the activities and/or attention given to a partner after sexual, BDSM, or kink experiences—is something widely discussed within kink communities. However, a lot of the discussion of aftercare focuses on aftercare for submissives, bottoms, and masochists (who I’ll collectively called s-types). This seems intuitive at first—they’re the person being acted upon, after all—but it’s important not to dismiss the importance of aftercare for dominants, tops, and sadists (who I’ll collectively call D-types).

Why Do D-types Need Aftercare?

Just as with aftercare for s-types, aftercare for D-types incorporates three kinds of well-being; mental, physical, and emotional. 

Leading a scene can take a huge amount of mental energy. While the power exchange within D/s scenes is mutual, it’s tops within a scene who have the greater responsibility when it comes to managing risk. Being a D-type in a scene involves practiced and involved skillsets—such as using impact toys with accuracy, assessing a bottom’s emotions during a scene, and assessing risk and safety both pre and mid-scene—and the attention, careful observation, planning, and empathy involved in topping and/or domming can easily lead to mental fatigue after a scene is concluded.

Depending on what kinds of play partners are engaging in, topping can also be physically exhausting or taxing. It can be easy to think of the physical impact of BDSM scenes being only pain and/or injury, and that this is something limited to s-types, when in reality that’s not the case at all. For one, dominants can be bottoms, but it’s also worth noting some forms of play can be physically taxing on tops as well as bottoms. As an easy example, for people new to strap-ons, topping during play can be physically exhausting, as it uses muscles that they may not have used much before.

Finally, aftercare is important for emotional wellbeing. “Drop” is a well known phenomenon in kink circles, referring to the period after a emotional/endorphin high during a scene. Sometimes specifically called sub-drop or top-drop depending on who it’s used to refer to, it can happen immediately after a scene, hours later, or even days later, and is characterised by intense negative feelings.

In dominants or tops, the emotions of drop can be intensified or informed by the cultural conversation around dominance and sadism. Feeling a sense of guilt at one’s actions and desires—even after risk-aware and consensual sex—isn’t uncommon, and these feelings can be intensified for marginalised D-types. In my own experience, the guilt I sometimes feel after SM play is impacted by the cultural perception of trans people and masculine queer people as sexually predatory. As another example, some of my sadistic Domme friends have expressed that their feelings of guilt after a scene are sometimes mixed with a sense of shame for their deviance from a lot of the gendered expectations around dominance. 

What Does Aftercare for D-types Look Like?

Aftercare for D-types is as varied as it is for those on the other side of the slash. Different scenes can feel intense in different ways and to different extents to different people, and what people enjoy and/or need as part of their aftercare can vary from person to person. Depending on your wants and needs, aftercare for you may look like administering first aid, having a snack and a drink, praising your partner(s) for what they did during a scene, watching a film together, having some alone time, or creating a “buffer zone”—a period of time spent with your partner/s doing something unrelated to BDSM.

I’d also like to emphasise debriefing as a kind of aftercare in itself. Once both partners are grounded, talking over what went well (and not so well) in a scene doesn’t just help when playing in future, but can alleviate the guilt that contributes to top-drop. Hearing that their partner loved being hit and why, for example, can work wonders in alleviating the guilt somebody may feel around enjoying hitting their partner. 

Aftercare Compatibility

If both sides of the slash need aftercare, and it’s just as important for D-types as it is for s-types, how do you navigate situations where these needs are in conflict? This is why aftercare is just important to bring up in negotiation as what players are looking for in the contents of a scene. If a submissive prefers to have alone time following a scene, but the dominant person they want to play with needs cuddles and affirmations, then it’s best if these things are worked out in the discussion stage. 

In some cases, conflicting needs when it comes to aftercare can be solved by delegating aftercare to a third party person, or by players compromising some of their wants so all players have their needs met. In other cases, vastly different needs when it comes to aftercare means players aren’t compatible, even if they’re otherwise agreed on what they want from a scene. It may suck finding out you’re not compatible with somebody you want to play with, but it’s far better finding out before you attempt to play together than after.

Kelvin Sparks logo

About the Author

Kelvin Sparks (he/him) is a bisexual trans man who writes about sex on the internet. You can find him at KelvinSparks.com, or at @Kelvinsparks_ on both Twitter and Instagram.

[Guest Post] Aftercare for D-Types: The Care and Feeding of Your Sadist by Bethany Baker

I recently put out a call for guest posts on aftercare in BDSM from the Dominant’s perspective. I received a few great pitches and ended up commissioning two. Today’s piece from Bethany Baker (she/her) is the first. The second will follow later this week. This is Bethany’s first piece for C&K.

Amy x

Aftercare for D-Types: The Care and Feeding of Your Sadist by Bethany Baker

Aftercare is vital in BDSM. The focus of aftercare tips is usually on submissive types, who have experienced very intense sensations in the scene and who may experience sub drop even days later.

I’m here to talk about aftercare for the person who took the dominant role in the scene. This applies to Dominants, Tops, sadists, and so on (D-types for short) including those who identify as switches.

What is sadism, really?

Sadism is one of the Ss in BDSM. There’s a perspective on sadism that I’ve found very helpful to understanding dominant/sadistic types, which I discovered through Carolyn Elliott’s book Existential Kink and which she attributes to Tani Thole and Leslie Rogers of the Light/Dark Insitute: “Sadism isn’t necessarily the desire to inflict pain; it’s the desire to inflict sensation, to make oneself felt.”

This insight is what fully unlocked my sadistic kink. It helps to explain why kink without pain is still so, well, kinky! And when the submissive type enjoys pain, that makes it an extra fun sensation to inflict.

So, as someone who loves to inflict intense sensations of various types, what kind of aftercare is most helpful?

Tell me how it felt

I want to know that I have been felt. Did you love it? Love to hate it? Was it exquisite torture?

The dominant person in a scene is usually doing a lot of reading-between-the-lines. Submissive types are often either non-verbal (due to subspace, literally being gagged, etc) or are contrary or facetious on purpose (such as in the case of bratting). Pre-negotiation of the scene and safe words create guardrails, but the dominant person in the scene still has to steer between those.

So while aftercare for a submissive (especially after intense scenes such as humiliation play or hard impact play) involves explicit confirmation of “I am affectionate towards you, I regard you positively,” this type of explicit confirmation can be important for the D-type as well. Messages like “I love what you did to me” and “I want to do more of that” are affirming and restorative. (Always be honest. More on constructive feedback below!)

This doesn’t have to be immediate. It’s natural for it to take a day or two (or longer) for a submissive type to collect their thoughts, and in my experience, being genuine is more important than being prompt. What might that look like in practice? My partner recently said to me about a scene where he was submissive, “I love being the subject of your creativity.

Angels sang. My heart is soaring, just remembering him saying that. That is the sort of thing that goes into my mental bank of quotes to pull out on bad days. That kind of genuine feedback easily refills my bank of motivation to take the reins in the next scene. Speaking of that bank…

Dom debt and the energy bank

I’d like to put forward the idea of “Dom debt” as a counterpart to sub drop.
While submissive are generally experiencing a lot of intense sensations, Dominants are making a lot of intense decisions. We’re expending emotional energy, especially if we’re affectionate Dominants closely reading a submissive. When a dom spends more energy than they have, that incurs “Dom debt”.

My Dom debt tends to feel like overwhelm, exhaustion, withdrawal. It’s a “I just don’t have it in me today” kind of feeling. So, what to do about it?

Research shows that a small blood sugar boost (think: a light snack, a piece of chocolate) can replenish the brain’s decision-making capabilities in the short-term. Other effective strategies are adequate sleep, exercise, and relaxation (think: yoga, meditation, hot bath.)

Interestingly, if a D-type can be impulsive in a scene, this can actually help alleviate decision fatigue. So, the better the members of the scene know each others’ boundaries, the more impulsive the D-type can be, and the less decision fatigue they incur. This is another reason that feedback is crucial!

Check in on how to give feedback

Affirmation is important, and so is constructive feedback. As a submissive resurfaces from subspace, it may be intuitive to share feedback with a D-type as it comes to mind. This might work well for some people, but not for everyone.

One way to care for a D-type is to check in with them on when and how to give your feedback. At the end of an intense scene, the D-type may be feeling sensitive themselves, or may be emotionally tired and have a harder time remembering or processing feedback. If that’s the case, try jotting that feedback down and then sharing it as you’re planning for the next scene. 

Mutual aftercare

Additionally, the aftercare that is good for S-types is often great for D-types too! The cuddling, checking in, gestures of affection — these are verbal and nonverbal ways to affirm the mutual positive regard in the relationship.

Curious for an inside peek at a dominant headspace in action? Check out The Art of a Bad Day, an erotic short that I wrote for Pride Month 2021.

In conclusion: want to give a dominant type a little extra love? Tell them how they made you feel, buy them sweets, confirm how to best share feedback, and most importantly… behave! 😉

About the author

Bethany Baker avatar for guest post on aftercare for Doms

Bethany Baker (she/her) writes erotic romance that blends the familiar and the fantastical, the erotic and the emotional, the silly and the sexy, into one downright tasty concoction. You can read her novels and short stories for free on bakecookieswritesmut.com because she’s just a little slutty like that, and feel free to reach out on Twitter @BakeSmut.

Do I Actually Have a Cuckqueaning Kink?

I haven’t taken part in Kink of the Week for some time but, when I saw that this week’s theme was cuckolding, I decided to write this post I’ve been mulling over for some time. I fantasise about cuckqueaning – but do I ever want to actually do it?

First, a quick definition: what is cuckqueaning?

Cuckqueaning (which stems from cuckolding) is essentially a woman watching her partner have sex with someone else. But unlike typical group sex scenarios like threesomes or swinging, cuckolding/cuckqueaning generally involves a degree of humiliation, submission, or degredation as part of the fun.

Another variation on the “watching” theme is your partner going out and fucking someone else, then coming home and telling you all about it. A less common variation but one I’ve seen in porn is the submissive partner listening from the other room while their partner has sex with the third party.

The idea is that you’re being “made” to watch your partner with someone else (or listen to it, or hear about their adventures afterwards.) This plays into the submissiveness and humiliation of the scene. Obviously, the “force” is only pretend and all parties must be enthusiastically consenting to it all!

What is it about this kink that appeals?

Cuckqueaning appeals to me on a few different levels in a fantasy context. First and perhaps most obviously is that it hits my submissive buttons. What could be more submissive than watching passively while my partner gets it on with another hot person?

I love humiliation and degredation when it’s done well by someone I trust. It’s emotionally edgy, but that’s part of what I enjoy about it. Exploring those dark places is something I find healing and cathartic as well as hot and fun.

Cuckqueaning also ties deeply into my orgasm control/tease and denial kink. Something about (the idea of) watching my partner pleasure someone else while I’m on the sidelines is extremely hot to me in this specific way. Being wet and aroused and not able to touch myself or be touched is… well, very much my jam. At least in theory.

I fantasise about cuckqueaning a lot of the time when I’m masturbating. It’s one of my most often-used search terms on porn sites and Literotica. I dirty-talk about it with partners sometimes. It turns me the fuck on and it also scares the hell out of me.

Eroticising a deep fear

I firmly believe that at least some of the time, kinks emerge from eroticising the things we’re afraid of. For me, this is certainly true when it comes to my cuckqueaning fantasies.

One of my deepest, darkest, biggest fears is around my partner leaving me for someone else. This has happened to me in the past, in a relationship I thought was secure, and it was fucking devastating. It really broke me for a long time and left me with lasting trust issues, even though I know it was ultimately for the best.

I’m much more secure than I used to be (I’ve done a lot of work on myself in this area!). But, when I’m feeling at my lowest or my mental illness is kicking my ass, that fear is still the dark place I return to in my mind.

So surely cuckqueaning would hit that button in a bad way? Well… yes and no.

I’ve learned to work through that fear enough to have a happy and functional polyamorous relationship. Is there any reason I couldn’t work through it to realise my cuckqueaning kink, too?

I think a few criteria would have to be met for me to act on this fantasy in the real world. I’d need to be in a good place with my body image, feeling secure and confident. I’d need to trust not just my partner, but the third party as well, a whole hell of a lot. And I’d need a lot of aftercare and reassurance after the scene. I would need to know that my partner still really loves me and doesn’t really “prefer” (to whatever extent those comparisons are even meaningful outside of a consensual kink space) the other person.

Cuckqueaning scares the shit out of me. And yet I can’t stop finding the idea of it so fucking hot.

Because if I’m completely honest, poking the fear is also part of the appeal. It’s like dragging the biggest, scariest monster out from under the bed and facing off against it, but in a sexy way. I don’t know if I want to be cucked in spite of the fact that it terrifies me, or because it terrifies me.

So do I actually want to do it?

That’s the million dollar question, isn’t it? Is this a fantasy that should STAY a fantasy, or is it one that I might bring out of my head and into my actual bedroom some day.

I’m truly not sure.

Acting out a fantasy in real life can be incredible if it lives up to expectations. Trying something you’ve wanted to try for years is a very powerful thing. I think it’s also valid and wonderful to have fantasies we enjoy, wank to, return to again and again… but never actually act out.

Which category is cuckqueaning in for me? I really don’t know. Time will tell.

Kink of the Week badge


Kink of the Week is a blogging meme by Molly Moore of Molly’s Daily Kiss. Click the lips to check out everyone else’s work!

FYI: I’m taking a short vacation next week, so the blog will be quiet. Normal service will resume the week beginning 5th July.

[Kink Product Review] Bondage Boutique Glow-in-the-Dark Collar and Lead

This month I’ve partnered with Lovehoney to bring you a series of reviews for Sex In Full Colour in honour of Pride Month. I’ve been reviewing bright and colourful toys. Today we’ve got something a little different: a glow-in-the-dark collar and lead set from the Bondage Boutique range!

Vegan Leather Collar and Lead

Bondage Boutique is Lovehoney’s own brand line of affordable bondage and BDSM gear. While I’ve liked some pieces from the range more than others, they’re generally pretty solid quality beginner-friendly pieces. The new glow-in-the-dark range includes a blindfold, a silicone ball gag, a pair of cuffs, a flogger, a paddle, and this collar and lead set.

The Bondage Boutique Glow-in-the-Dark Collar and Lead set is made of vegan-friendly faux leather. As you might be aware, I have mixed feelings regarding real leather so it’s great to see more and more alternatives being offered. The collar and leash feature a black central stripe surrounded by two stripes that are white in daylight, and glow luminous green in the dark.

BDSM collar and leash set

It’s really hard to get a picture of it in the dark with the mediocre camera I have, so here’s one from the official product page:

BDSM collar and leash glowing in the dark

The collar and leash are connected by a 35.5″ chain which can be unclipped from the D-ring at the front centre of the collar. The leash features a looped handle in matching black and white faux leather. Comfortable to hold and convenient for keeping your pet close to you!

The product copy says this collar is “submersible” but honestly I wouldn’t recommend getting it wet. Splashes won’t do it any harm, but I wouldn’t wear it in the shower or swimming pool.

Look and Style

The black-and-white look of this collar is just unusual enough to be eyecatching, but also means it will work with most outfits. The aesthetic isn’t either particularly masculine or particularly feminine (in my opinion), so it can potentially work for a wide array of different gender expressions.

Kinky collar and lead set BDSM toy in vegan leather

The glow-in-the-dark effect is fun and quirky. You’ll never lose your submissive in a dark sex dungeon again! Overall, this collar looks stylish and understated in the light, then fun and playful in the dark.

You tell me what you think, but I think it looks really cute on me!

Woman wearing a BDSM faux leather collar vegan leather

Make and Quality

One of the things I like about the Bondage Boutique products is that they generally provide well-made items for a fraction of the price you’d pay for bespoke kink gear. While I love a high-end piece as much as anyone, it’s vital that beginners and kinksters on restricted budgets have access to safe, quality toys.

The Bondage Boutique Glow-in-the-Dark Collar and Lead set appears well made and robust. The stitching is neat and strong, and the hardware pieces are securely fastened to the faux leather. You can safely tug on your submissive’s collar or leash without any worry about damaging them. (Obviously be very careful – this collar isn’t delicate, but necks are!)

Fit and Comfort

The Glow-in-the-Dark Collar and Lead set is fully adjustable. The collar features 7 sizing holes and you could probably add another easily enough with the right tool. But it measures 20.5″ in total length and will fit the vast majority of neck sizes as it is.

I found this collar comfortable and enjoyable to wear. The material is soft and flexible and doesn’t irritate my skin. The band is narrow enough that I can wear it comfortably for hours without it affecting my posture. (I have intermittent neck and upper back pain, and collars that are too wide can exacerbate it if I wear them for too long.)

From a comfort perspective, the only downside is that the material doesn’t really “breathe” so my neck gets very sweaty after a while. If you’re wearing it in a warm environment, you might want to take it off for a few minutes occasionally to let your skin breathe.

Verdict: Enjoy Your Glow Up

This is a really cute, fun, and versatile collar and lead set. It’s also well made, strong, comfortable, and should last you a good long time. Best of all, it retails for an incredibly affordable £14.99.

Don’t forget that you can get 10% off at Lovehoney with the code “coffkink10” at checkout!

Thank you to Lovehoney for sending me this item to review. All views, as ever, are mine. This post contains affiliate links and using them supports the site at no extra cost to you.

[Kink Product Review] Tyes By Tara Vixen Tyecuffs

I’m delighted to welcome Tyes By Tara as my newest affiliate company. As soon as the team reached out to me, I knew I wanted to get my hands on some of their lovely products and share them with you all. This small, woman-founded and award-winning brand is based in the US and offers 15 categories of products including bratyes (harness and cage bras), niptyes (non-piercing nipple clamps and adornments), jewellery, and – most interesting to me – tyecuffs.

I’ll be honest, the entire Tyes By Tara collection is a dream for a femme like myself. Elegant and eyecatching pieces that are by turns playful and sensual? Hell yes!

A Touch of Luxury

Vixen Tyecuffs soft bondage handcuffs

My Tyes By Tara items came discreetly packaged in a plain box. Inside, they were beautifully wrapped in tissue paper and tied with ribbon. The parcel included not just my cuffs, but also a card with care instructions, a kind note from my contact at the company, and even a bonus free tyelet!

The customer care and attention to detail is excellent and much appreciated. The luxurious packaging and presentation got me even more excited to try out the products.

Vixen Tyecuffs: Bondage with a Femme Focus

I was spoiled for choice when it came to what to try. But, being the #Sparklefemme that I am, I had to settle on the Vixen Tyecuffs. These wide cuffs are made from sparkly rhinestone mesh and finished with satin ribbon ties.

Rhinestone handcuffs for BDSM

The Vixen Tyecuffs are available in four colourways: Black with black ribbons, diamond with black ribbons, white with white ribbons, and pink with white ribbons. They’re all beautiful, but it was the black-on-black set that caught my eye.

I can’t tell you how much I love these cuffs! They’re just absolutely gorgeous, even prettier than they look on the website. I love the way the rhinestones catch the light when I move.

Woman with hands tied up in bondage cuffs

There are some items that make me feel happy and confident just by wearing them, and these cuffs fall into that category. They speak to two aspects of my identity that are hugely important to me: my femme-ness and my submissiveness.

The Vixen Tyecuffs are comfortable, too. They’re light enough that I can put them on and then wear them for hours. They don’t irritate my skin or make my wrists sweaty. When we can finally go to sex clubs again (fuck you Covid) they’ll make a sleek and sexy addition to my outfits.

Fit and Functionality

My Vixen Tyecuffs came with very very long ribbons. Even with the cuffs tied, they still dragged on the floor when I was standing! Fortunately, the very long ribbons mean the cuffs will fit literally anyone, no matter your wrist size (they also work just as well on ankles!)

Vixen Tyecuffs rhinestone BDSM handcuffs

Just pop the cuffs on, work out how long you need the ribbons and how long you want the tails to be, then trim them to size. Don’t forget to allow extra length if you’re going to tie them to anything!

The Vixen Tyecuffs are strong and sturdily made. Despite their delicate appearance, they don’t feel as though they are flimsy or liable to break in the course of normal use.

Ribbon handcuffs for kink and BDSM

With that said, these are definitely cuffs that are for decoration and light bondage. You could certainly get tied to the bed or get your hands tied behind your back with the Vixen Tyecuffs. But they’re not designed to bear a lot of weight, so don’t use them for kinky activities where you’re putting weight on your wrists. And maybe switch out for more traditional cuffs if you’re doing a harder struggling-against-your-bonds scene!

Bonus Tyelet

I also received a bonus Tye-of-the-Month in the form of the Trainwreck Tyelet. This is a lovely little bracelet that is made of soft, stretchy elastic and features a cute black satin bow. It’s like wearing a little bow tie on my wrist!

Tyelet bow tie bracelet

The aesthetic is subtle enough to wear in public without raising eyebrows, but kinky enough to make me smile mischievously every time I look at it.

It’s actually very slightly too big for me, as I have teeny-tiny wrists, but it doesn’t need to fit snugly and still looks super cute.

Verdict & Discount Code

Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. Absolutely love them!

The Vixen Tyecuffs retail for a great value $25 (that’s around £18 to my fellow Brits.) The Trainwreck Tyelet retails for $18 (£13). You can also get 10% off anything on the site using my code “coffeeandkink” at checkout!

If you’re looking for a sweet and sexy treat for yourself or the femme in your life, take a look at the collection. I’m sure you’ll find something you love.

Thanks to Tyes By Tara for sending me the Vixen Tyecuffs and the Trainwreck Tyelet to try. All views are mine. This post contains affiliate links so if you buy through them, I’ll make a small commission at no extra cost to you.

Tyes By Tara banner

Am I a Bad Submissive if I Don’t Swallow?

I love giving blow jobs. Love love love it. The feeling of sinking my mouth down onto a dick that’s already hard, or taking a flaccid cock in my mouth and teasing and licking it to full erection… I live for that shit.

What I don’t particularly love? The feeling/taste/texture of jizz in my mouth. I don’t know if it’s a sensory thing or what, but most of the time my preference is to get the person close to orgasm with my mouth and then finish them off with my hand/a toy/penetrative sex.

There are exceptions, of course. I can sometimes enjoy the sensation of someone coming in my mouth if it’s specifically part of a D/s context where I’m feeling very submissive. With that framing, it can be hot to me on occasion. But what I’ve never been able to bring myself to do is swallow it.

I’ve been on Fetlife since I was 18, and sometime in my first few years on there I encountered a popular piece of writing that was titled something like “Good Girls Always Swallow.” Obviously this is one person’s (ill-informed and kinda gender-essentialist) opinion, but younger me took it to heart and was quite upset by it.

Because I wanted to be a good girl! I wanted to be the kind of submissive that Dominants would enjoy playing with, that they would come back to again and again, and maybe that one would choose for a lifelong relationship someday.

So, I wondered, am I a bad submissive if I don’t—can’t—swallow jizz?

A more pertinent question might be, a bad submissive for whom? Yes, I’m probably a bad submissive for someone whose number one kink is having someone suck them off and swallow. I’m probably also a bad submissive for someone who just wants to dish out as much pain as possible, because my masochistic happy place is somewhere between mild and moderate.

Here’s what I eventually learned, though: there’s no such thing as a universally “good” or “bad” submissive. People are all different and no-one will be perfect for everyone. The idea that there is one universally-accepted standard of The Perfect Submissive is bullshit.

Fetlife and normative kinky porn would have us believe that to be a good submissive, you need to be an 18-21 year old skinny white cis woman with contortionist-level flexibility, an unlimited pain threshold, the ability to orgasm immediately from penetration, and a cum-swallowing fetish a mile wide.

This is—I truly cannot stress this enough—absolute bullshit.

Everyone, no matter their sexual orientation or kink role if they have one, has their preferences and their limits and the things they can and cannot do. Some people can hang out in strenuous bondage for hours. Others can kneel for as long as their partners want, while some of us get creaky knees if we’re on the floor for too long. Some people can take a lot of pain, others hardly any at all.

The great thing about all this is that there’s no right way to be a submissive (or a Dominant, or a switch, or a vanilla player!) There are no standard acts. Everything is negotiable, customisable, an infinite array of mix-and-match combos where you can create the thing that works for you. Sex and kink aren’t about ticking boxes. They’re about the connection, the dynamic, the interplay and the dance and the exchange of energy between two (or more) people.

So am I a bad submissive if I don’t want to swallow cum?

No.

I’m the submissive that I am. The value I bring to my Dominants is through being myself, not through being the living embodiment of a Tumblr porn fantasy.

Quote Quest badge

I wrote this post for Quote Quest, a fun blogging meme by Little Switch Bitch. Each week there’s a new quote for inspiration. Click the logo to see what everyone else has to say about blow jobs this week! Oh, and if you enjoy my work, please consider buying me a coffee.

[Kink Product Review] Lovehoney Supreme Sensation Pussy Pump

Alongside my regular sex toy reviews and lingerie reviews, I thought it would be fun to review a few more niche and unusual kink items. I’ve been wanting to try a pussy pump for ages, and the lovely folks at Lovehoney were kind enough to hook me up.

So what happened when I tried the Lovehoney Supreme Sensation Pussy Pump?

What is a Pussy Pump?

A pussy pump features a cup or “chamber,” usually made of plastic, which sits over the vulva and creates a vacuum. When you use the attached pump, it pulls the air out and the seal gets tighter. The suction pulls blood into your vulva, giving it an engorged appearance and making everything much more sensitive. If you’re familiar with skin cupping, it’s basically the same mechanism.

Lovehoney Pussy Pump

The Lovehoney Supreme Sensation Pussy Pump is a reworking of their classic design. The clear plastic chamber is 4″ in length, which is sufficient to encase the clitoris, vaginal opening, and much of the vulva on most bodies. The hose is 19″ long and the finishes with the hand-held purple pumping bulb.

Supreme Sensation Pussy Pump from Lovehoney

This pussy pump features two release valves. The first is at the base of the bulb, and the second is on top of the chamber. This means that if you want to remove the hose when the chamber is in place, you can release the suction without having to reattach everything. I actually don’t recommend removing the hose, for reasons we’ll get into in a minute.

So does it work?

Pussy pumping takes a bit of practice, but it’s pretty easy once you’ve found the best way to use it for your body. We’re all slightly different shapes and sizes, so experiment to find the positioning that works best for you.

You’ll also likely need to use some lube to create a good seal. We found that lining the rim of the chamber with a basic water-based lube worked well.

Pussy pump chamber

A note if, like me, you have pubic hair: you absolutely can use a pussy pump without removing your hair! It might be a little more challenging to get a seal and you might need to use more lube than someone with a shaven vulva, but it can be done relatively easily!

This might be a simple positioning issue, but I did find that the Lovehoney Supreme Sensation Pussy Pump needed re-pumping regularly during use as the suction gradually loosened. I suspect this was due to not having a perfect seal – more experimentation needed. For this reason, we kept the hose attached and re-pumped a bit every couple of minutes.

How does it feel?

I was a little nervous to try pussy pumping because I’ve tried suction type sensations on other parts of my body and not particularly liked it. I wasn’t sure if it would be painful, pleasurable, or somewhere in between.

Pussy pumping kit from Lovehoney

The sensation is probably best described as “interesting.” It certainly doesn’t hurt unless you pump it to its absolute max. Even then the sensation is a kind of tugging, throbbing intensity rather than a sharp pain.

Is it pleasurable? Well, sort of. Some people say that the sensation of pumping is hugely pleasurable by itself, and some can even orgasm from it. That wasn’t my experience. It felt sort of nice, but not something that’s going to get me off any time soon.

The aftermath, though? That’s where the really good stuff is! Because pumping draws blood into the area, it left my vulva engorged and super sensitive. The orgasm I had shortly afterwards snuck up on me with a speed and intensity that was pretty out of the ordinary!

(No, you don’t get a picture of the results. Sorry, I’m not quite ready to put my everything on display for you all! Just search “pussy pump” on Google Images or your porn site of choice to see what it looks like in use.)

Do I recommend it?

If you’re curious about pumping and want to give it a go, then sure! Pumping can increase sensitivity and can be a fun and intimate thing to play with in a kink context.

The Supreme Sensation Pussy Pump costs an affordable £24.99 (and you can get 10% off this and anything else at Lovehoney using my code coffkink10 at checkout.) An interesting and different addition to our kit bag, which we’ll definitely use again.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this product to review. All opinions mine, as ever. Affiliate links appear in this post.

[Sensation Toy Review] Dominix Deluxe Cat Claw Skin Scratcher

I thought it would be fun to create a series of mini-reviews featuring some of the more niche and unusual kink items I’ve tried. Today we’re looking at the Dominix Deluxe Cat Claw Skin Stratcher, which was kindly sent to me by the good folks at Lovehoney.

Cat Claw Skin Scratcher

The Cat Claw Skin Scratcher is a sensation play toy from the Dominix range. It is worn on any finger and held in place by two ring loops, and features two sharp scratchy “claws.”

The Cat Claw Skin Scratcher is made of metal and covered in a matte black, tarnish-free powder coating. The look is simple yet sexy, and the Scratcher will fit most fingers. (It’s actually a bit big for me, but my hands are unusually small for a woman of my size!)

What is Sensation Play?

Sensation play is exactly what it sounds like: playing with sensations in a kinky or sexual context. Sensation play can involve playing with pain, but it absolutely doesn’t have to. It can be erotic, soothing, intense, gentle… almost anything you want it to be!

I love sensation play both for its own sake, and as a precursor or add-on to other kinky activities. Sensation play pairs well with bondage and restraint, and can also be a way for

Remember that sensation play can be surprisingly intense. It’s important to check in regularly with your partner and ensure ongoing, enthusiastic consent.

So How Does the Cat Claw Skin Scratcher Feel?

I wasn’t sure what to expect from this scratcher when I requested it for review. It is surprisingly sharp! Just like a real kitty claw, it could absolutely draw blood if you’re not careful.

(I don’t recommend drawing blood deliberately. If you absolutely must, at least practice good hygiene and ensure your Scratcher is sterile.)

I’m pretty into the feeling of being (gently) scratched. Whether it’s a lover’s fingernails or a Wartenberg wheel, something about it is very erotic to me. So I love the feeling of the Cat Claw Skin Scratcher. It’s less stingy-intense than a pinwheel, but a step up from scratching with just nails.

Non-kinky bonus: if I get an itch on my back, it’s great for scratching those hard-to-reach spots!

Where is it Safe to Scratch?

Most places, if you’re careful! Upper backs, butts, thighs, and other muscular or fleshy areas are always good. Breasts and genitals are probably okay if you’re careful. Don’t scratch on or near the face, and be very cautious around joints and bony areas.

Verdict

A fun and sexy addition to your sensation play kit! And, at £14.99, it’s a steal. Use my code coffkink10 at checkout to get 10% off your order of absolutely anything at Lovehoney.

Purrrrrrrr-fect!

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this product to review. All views are mine. Affiliate links appear in this post.

[Guest Post] Kink in Context by Quenby

It’s time for another guest post and I’m delighted to be bring you another piece from Quenby (they/them) who has written for me before and always has such great things to say. Today, they’re exploring the limits of “your kink is not my kink but your kink is okay.”

Remember: you can always chip in via the tip jar to help me keep commissioning awesome guest writers.

Amy x

Kink in Context by Quenby

“Your Kink Is Not My Kink, And That’s Okay.” This concept has become an article of faith within the kink community, a rallying cry of mutual acceptance. And I think the basic idea behind it – that we shouldn’t shame people simply because they have kinks we don’t – is sound. But it’s often used to shut down any criticism of people within the kink community. And that is a dangerous situation in any community, and particularly for marginalised people within that group.

Kink is a distinct subculture, with its own behavioural norms and distinct culture. But any subculture exists within the context of the wider culture it’s embedded in, so it os not isolated from the issues which affect the dominant culture[*]. So kinks are connected to mainstream culture, they often play with the idea of taboo (i.e. relating to social norms by violating them). And that means we need to think about how our kinks can reinforce the existing problems in our culture.

This isn’t exactly a new idea. There are countless pieces out there discussing whether you can be a submissive and a feminist (spoiler alert, yes you can). Last year the iconic Sinclair Sexsmith wrote about the issues of Master-slave dynamics in a world where racism and slavery are very real issues. 

Personally, it’s feminisation which hits the hardest. Seeing a cis man feminised as a way to humiliate him hits a little too close to home. At its worst, it feels like this reproduces trans trauma for the entertainment of people who will never actually have to live with this. Yet I know several people who worked out they were trans through this kink. And when it’s done by trans people to reclaim power over their trauma, it’s a very different situation.

This piece mostly deals with these questions in the abstract, so what does this look like in a practical sense? Let’s take a relatively simple example, I really love it when a partner refers to me as a filthy slut. Part of the reason that’s hot to me is the taboo, the way it degrades me for violating the social norm of “you shouldn’t be slutty”. But if you’re not careful, using this language in a kink context can normalise using it more broadly, and reinforce the slutshaming within our society.

There’s a conversation connected to this around reclaiming language (for example, The Ethical Slut reframes the word “slut” as something which isn’t inherently negative,) but a big part of this is how we behave outside of kink. I would never allow someone to call me a slut in a kink context if they also used it as a derogatory term in real life, and for me that’s an important distinction to make.

I don’t have all the solutions here. There aren’t simple answers of “this kink is wrong”, or “you have to engage in kink in this particular way”. How to engage with a culture without reproducing its harmful elements is a very complex question. But I’m pretty sure that the answer isn’t to simply ignore how kink can reinforce and normalise real social issues, or excuse the harm this can do to real people for fear of kink shaming. 

Perhaps all I can ask is for people to think about what they’re doing. To look at the kinks they engage with and consider how these relate to the real world – the privileges they possess within this context and the unintended consequences on people around them. It’s not easy. In the “filthy slut” example alone, I found so much to unpack from three simple syllables. Thinking about how this applies to the intricacy of different kinks is a daunting task. But these are questions we need to be asking.

Bias, privilege, and marginalisation are built into our society, as a part of that society each of us carries these problems within us. This is not done equally, some of us try to address internalised biases while others embrace them. But we are all, on some level, part of the problem. And we all need to be part of the solution.

[*] The mainstream culture which dominates society, not the culture of Doms

Quenby is a queer perfomer, writer, and activist. If you liked this post you can check out their blog, or follow them on FB and Twitter @QuenbyCreatives.