Everything I Know About Life, I Learned from Musical Theatre

Okay, yes, obviously exaggerated clickbait title is obvious. But I was thinking about this recently, so I thought it might be fun to write about.Anyone who knows me knows that I love musical theatre. I think it’s because it combines two of my favourite things: music and stories. And most of my favourite shows have that one line (or sometimes more than one) that sticks with me because it sums up something I know to be true or sometimes need to be reminded of.

So just for fun, here are nine of my favourite pieces of showtunes wisdom and the things I take from them.

“Forget regret, or life is yours to miss” (Rent)

(I know Rent is problematic, I love it anyway, don’t @ me)

Much of this show is about seizing the day and taking the love you can get now, because you know you don’t have forever. This one reminds me that life can be short, and that there’s no point living in past regrets. Because sometimes now is all we have.

“You change the world when you change your mind” (Kinky Boots)

We are all learning every day, or at least we should be. Sometimes, people might feel as though they can’t keep up with all the changes in society and politics and language. But none of us come to the table knowing everything.

The world doesn’t change in a day. But with every mind changed, we make progress. With every view reconsidered, we get closer to the world we want. Wisdom isn’t about knowing it all. Wisdom is about knowing when to change your mind.

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise” (Les Miserables)

I always think of this one as something that might be said to a hero just as he’s about to give up on his quest. It reminds me that there’s always another day and that even the worst pain doesn’t last forever.

“To seek revenge may lead to hell” (Sweeney Todd)

I wrote recently about why I still hate my abuser and won’t forgive him. I think anger can be a strong and powerful thing. But anger is not the same thing as revenge.

I do not wish to hurt him. My goal is not to cause him harm. In the end, exacting revenge (whatever that looked like) would do more damage to me than it would to him. My goal is to help myself, not to hurt him. Allowing myself to be angry does the former, while seeking revenge would succumb to the latter.

“I am the one thing in life I can control” (Hamilton)

I actually have a print featring this quote framed on the wall of my office. I’ve long known that I have control issues. It’s a safety mechanism and something I’m working on internally and with my therapist. But this serves as a reminder that I can’t actually control others or external situations – and that it is foolish and even harmful to try. All I can control is myself.

“I’m through accepting limits ’cause someone says they’re so” (Wicked)

Most of us have probably been told “you can’t do that” at some point. Any person who has reached the peak of achievement in their field will tell you that they’ve encountered naysayers along the way.

But you don’t have to accept other people’s limitations or allow them to put those limitations onto you. You get to define your own limits.

“Everybody’s playing the game but nobody’s rules are the same” (Chess)

We all approach situations and relationships with our own unique context made up of beliefs, preconceptions, past experiences, and goals. While two people might be superficially facing the same thing, it can look incredibly different. So if you feel as though you’re talking past someone else or can’t come to a place of understanding, consider whether you’re approaching things with a completely different set of rules.

“Nice is different than good” (Into the Woods)

So many of the people I’ve been harmed by in my life were nice people. My abuser was perhaps the nicest, at least to those outside his immediate sphere. He charmed strangers, gave great compliments, even flirted with service staff in a way that managed to be charismatic rather than creepy. He also spent years breaking down my sense of self and my grasp of reality.

So now, when someone tells me they’re “such a Nice Guy,” I think of him and I understand that being nice doesn’t necessarily mean they will treat me well.

“There’s a fine, fine line between love and a waste of time” (Avenue Q)

Yes, even a show that is essentially “Muppets, but wrong” can have the occasional pearls of wisdom. There’s a Fine Fine Line is a surprisingly poignant little song about knowing when to give up on someone even if it hurts.

I know I’ve had a tendency to hang on to relationships for far too long in the past. I felt as though as long as I loved the person, I couldn’t leave. Now I know that sometimes, the greatest act of love you can show to both yourself and the other person is to get out before things get much worse.

Do you have any favourite theatrical wisdom?

Four Fun Queer Quotes for Pride Month

Hey everyone, happy June! And more importantly, happy Pride Month! I wondered what I wanted to write about for the beginning of June. I considered delving into The Discourse about kink at Pride, or writing something about rainbow capitalism and corporate sponsorship and arms dealers pinkwashing their murder-corporations, but all those things have been said many times and much better than I could.

So instead I thought I’d bring you a little queer joy in the form of four of my favourite TV and movie quotes about being LGBTQ+ and tell you a bit about what they mean to me.

This post may contain plot spoilers, so proceed with caution if you haven’t seen any of these things yet.

“Any queer space is your space” – Oliver Grayson, The Bold Type

Oliver Grayson and Kat Edison at a queer party in The Bold Type

Kat Edison on Freeform’s The Bold Type is one of my favourite bisexual characters (and YES they actually say the word on the show!) Her ex-girlfriend, Adena, asks her not to attend a queer event because “some lesbians take issue when other people infiltrate their space.”

Adena eventually realises why this was shitty, biphobic behaviour and apologises. But in the meantime, Kat seeks advice from her gay colleague and friend Oliver, and this is what he tells her.

It’s a truly heartwarming moment of queer POC solidarity and it’s something I think all bi+ folks need to hear. We’re often erased from queer spaces, even by our own communities, and told we don’t belong because we’re “not queer enough” or can “pretend to be straight.”

This is for all my bi, pan, omni, ace, aro, trans, non-binary, and other pals who have ever been told Pride isn’t for you: any queer space is your space. Everyone’s favourite Gay Fashion Dad said so.

“Terrific. Let’s bring down the government.” – Steph Chambers, Pride

Steph in the movie Pride

Pride (2014) is one of my all-time favourite movies. It gives me hope and makes me cry all at the same time. It reminds me of all the things our queer elders fought for, struggled for, died for – and why it is so vital that we keep fighting.

Steph says this line in her typical sardonic, bordering-on-deadpan fashion just after the Lesbians & Gays Support the Miners group has been formed, and to me it sums up the spirit of the whole film. Pride is about two disenfranchised groups, queer people and striking miners in a poor village, joining forces to support one another and fight back against oppression. And in a world of more hate and division than ever, this is a message and an ethos we need to remember.

Pride is a protest. Pride has always been a protest. It isn’t about assimilating into respectable white middle-class cishet land. Pride is about being who we are unapologetically and without backing down, no matter what the government has to say about it.

“It’s not a phase, I’m not confused! Not indecisive, I don’t have the “gotta choose” blues!” – Darryl Whitefeather, Crazy Ex Girlfriend

Darryl Whitefeather "Gettin Bi" from Crazy Ex Girlfriend. For a post about queer quotes.

I know it’s got some problematic elements but CXG broke a lot of new ground. It handled a lot of difficult issues with the mix of humour and sensitivity that is so, so hard to get right.

And one of the things it did amazingly well? Representing not just bisexuality, but coming-out-later-in-life male bisexuality. Gettin’ Bi is Darryl’s coming out song, and it’s the “middle aged man dancing and singing to celebrate his sexuality” anthem I never knew I needed.

The song dispels many myths about bisexuality, including that we are inherently promiscuous (some of us are, some aren’t) or that we’re going through a phase and will eventually “pick a side.” It’s fun, it’s joyful, it’s charmingly awkward (this scene takes place in a workplace meeting) and it’s just delightful.

“Sexuality is fluid. Whether you’re gay or you’re straight or you’re bisexual, you just go with the flow.” – Shane McCutcheon, The L Word

Shane from The L Word, sexuality is fluid queer quote for Pride Month

A lot of things about The L Word have not aged well, sadly. Its treatment of trans character Max was deeply problematic, as was its erasure of bisexuality (and occasional outright biphobia) after season 1. I hear the new Generation Q has fixed many of these issues, but I haven’t watched it yet because I promised to watch it with my bestie and we haven’t seen each other in a year and a half because *gestures at the pandemic.*

But before The L Word went sideways into biphobia and occasional complete batshittery, it gave us some great moments including this wonderful quote from Shane.

I was 17 and just starting to peek out of the closet when I first saw this show. I didn’t really know if I was straight with a little idle curiosity, or gay while having inexplicably fallen for a man, or (*gasp*) actually bisexual. This line felt like permission to accept that my sexuality might change over time, and that it was okay and normal if it did.

What are your favourite queer joy quotes for Pride Month, loves?

5 Reasons I Like Pain Play

You absolutely don’t have to like pain to do BDSM. There are plenty of kinky things you can do that don’t involve pain play at all! I don’t have a particularly high pain threshold, but I do like a little bit of ouch with my kink.

Just for fun, I wanted to share a few reasons why.

I like a challenge

Not always, but sometimes I enjoy being pushed close to my limit with pain play. I enjoy the challenge and the sense of accomplishment.

It’s a bit like pushing yourself through the last half-mile of a particularly intense run, only a lot more fun. (I fucking hate running. Pain play scenes are my answer to marathons!)

I like taking pain for someone else

Ultimately, my sexual partners only hurt me in bed because I want them to. (Otherwise, that would be abuse!) But I also enjoy the feeling of taking something to please a dominant partner. That fulfills my service submissive side.

It gets me out of my head

One of the reasons I like sex in general and kink more specifically is because it pulls me out of my head. As a writer, an anxious person, and an overthinker, I am very in my head much of the time. Just the right level of sexy pain can quiet down all the noise in my brain and it’s fucking blissful.

It gets me into a submissive headspace

Physical sensations can help us get into a particular mental zone, and pain inflicted by a dominant partner is one of the best ways to get me into a submissive headspace.

I think this is connected to the above point about getting out of my head. It makes my mind go quiet and helps me tap into feelings of submission and vulnerability.

I literally don’t know, I just do

Sometimes kinks just are what they are. There isn’t always a strong reason I can identify why I like a particular sensation. It just… feels good, gets me wet, and gets me off.

And sometimes that’s enough!

If you’re into pain play, do these reasons speak to you? If not, what questions do you have about the combination of pain and pleasure?

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I wrote this piece as part of Quote Quest, a weekly meme by Little Switch Bitch. Click the button to see who else was inspired by this week’s quote! And if today’s piece resonated with you, you can always buy me a coffee to say thanks!

Fun and Sexy Ways to Celebrate Halloween at Home

Like so many other things, Halloween is going to look a little different this year. There won’t be any big parties, club nights, or trips to the dungeon. But there are still lots of ways you can celebrate! Since this is a sex blog, let’s look at a few fun and sexy ways you can have a fabulous Halloween at home.

Create some spooky sexy content

Whether you’re a porn performer, a cam model, or just enjoy getting a bit exhibitionistic online for the fun of it, why not create some Halloween-themed sexy content at home?

How much you want to lean into this is up to you. You could do your usual thing but swap out your regular outfits of choice for some witchy black latex, or you could get really creative and build a whole scene around a spooky scenario. Erotica writers could write some seasonal smut.

Fun fact: In researching this article, I discovered that the keyphrase “halloween porn” gets Google searched 170,000 per month on average. So what I’m saying is that there’s a market for this.

Dress up with your partner

Doing Halloween at home with your lover(s) this year? Spice (or spook) things up with some thematically-appropriate bedroom fancy dress.

Lovehoney have a fun array of inexpensive sexy costumes. I’m pairing the Fierce leather-look body with this wig for a witchy look.

My body in lingerie. For a post about celebrating Halloween at home.

Whether you look devilish in red or let your inner Catwoman out to play, you can tap into the Halloween spirit without ever leaving your bedroom.

Have a hot virtual party

Got a few trusted friends or playmates you’d be partying with if it was safe to do so? You can still get into the Halloween spirit with a fun online party. Get dressed up and show your outfits off to each other on cam, make some suitably ghoulish cocktails/mocktails, and maybe even have a costume contest.

Do something that scares you just a little bit

Have you got a kink you’ve always wanted to try, but been too nervous to actually go for it? The spirit of Halloween is all about playing with fear. So if you’re up for it and you want to, take the opportunity to try that thing that scares you just a little bit.

Naturally, the same rules for trying a new kink apply here. Communicate lots, do it sober, put every viable safety precaution in place, have a safeword, and only try edgy things with someone you feel completely safe with.

Have a virtual horror movie date

Virtual dates have come into their own more than ever before this year. If you’re not physically with your partner or have recently started dating someone new, you could have a virtual Halloween horror movie date.

(Or, you know, any other kind of movie. I hate horror, I’m just trying to keep this post on theme.)

You might not be able to snuggle up and hold their hand at the scary bits, but at least you can keep each other company wherever you are in the world. Looking for some inspiration? Check out this list of the sexiest horror movies.

How are you doing Halloween at home?

I’d love to hear any fun ideas you have to celebrate this year!

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5 Things I Used to Believe About Myself (That I Don’t Believe Any More)

I’m writing this as part of the Smutathon 2020 writing challenge in aid of Endometriosis UK. We’re coming to the end of hour number 10, with two more to go.

This one is inspired by this week’s Quote Quest prompt:

“Change your conception of yourself and you will automatically change the world in which you live. Do not try to change people; they are only messengers telling you who you are. Revalue yourself and they will confirm the change.”
– Neville Goddard

I’ve done a lot of work on changing my perception of myself over the last few years, particularly since leaving my abusive partner just over 5 years ago.

So here are some of the things I used to believe about myself but don’t believe any more.

I have a low sex drive

Turns out I DON’T have a low sex drive – if anything, my libido is on the higher side (depression notwithstanding). I just thought I had a low sex drive for a long time, because I was in relationships where I didn’t feel empowered own my sexuality.

The first two men I had long-term relationships with both conceptualised my sexuality as something they could – should – own. They both placed a high value on “purity” and “innocence”, expecting me to stay a timid, shy creature forever. They wanted my availability, but my actual desire was somewhere between “irrelevant” and “mildly distasteful”.

I don’t have a low libido at all. No – I just need to be with people who value it.

I can’t leave a relationship

This is probably the most toxic and harmful thing I used to believe about myself. I believed this one for years. Prided myself on it, even. However bad things got, I told myself, I wouldn’t be the one to leave.

Loyalty and commitments are values I hold very close to my heart and take very seriously. But loyalty and commitment have limits. Eventually, even the most devoted person will be pushed too far. It wasn’t actually a virtue to stay in a relationship with someone who continually harmed me. It was a symbol of a profound degredation of my personal boundaries and self esteem.

Now, I know that if I am not being treated well, I will leave. And as a result, I’m in healthier relationships.

I’m too difficult to love

This was another narrative my abuser put into my head. He convinced me that I was inherently difficult to love because of my mental illness, trauma, and – frankly – my reasonable and sane negative reactions to the ways he treated me.

Another part of the reason I stayed so long? Because he convinced me that no-one else would love me the way he did. That I was “poison” and “cursed” (his words) and that he was doing me a huge favour by putting up with me.

The reality? I’m no more difficult to love than anyone else. We all have our “stuff” and in any long-term, commited relationship it will sometimes feel challenging. But no-one is too difficult to love. Especially not due to things like illness or trauma.

I’m defined by my trauma

It would be a lie to say that my trauma hasn’t changed me. Of course it has. No-one can come out of a long-term abusive relationship unscathed. The fact is that I do not know who I would have been without that experience.

But that doesn’t mean I am defined by my trauma. It is a part of me, but it is not me. I’m many things, and a survivor is one of them – an important one. But not all there is. Not by a long shot.

I’m straight

Lol.

Yeah, this is something I really used to believe about myself at one time. Seems strange now.

If you haven’t donated to Smutathon 2020’s charity yet, please do so now! We’re into the last couple hours and we really need your support. (If you read this in the week or so following the event, the page will still be open).

What is Consent? 10 Fundamentals Everyone Needs to Understand

Most of us think we know what consent is. But when you start to look at it more closely, the “what is consent?” question becomes murkier and far more complex.

Today I want to share ten basic but essential fundamentals that I wish everybody understood.

Content note: this one contains discussion of sexual violence and a reference to murder.

It’s not just about sex

Consent is vital when it comes to sex, of course. But if we only apply consent to sex, we’re missing out a whole bunch of really vital steps.

Instead, I’d like us to conceptualise consent as something we apply in all areas of our lives. If your child doesn’t want to hug or kiss a relative, don’t make them. When your partner tells you they HATE being tickled, don’t take it as a challenge. If your friend has decided to quit alcohol, don’t push them to drink. And so on and so on.

If we normalise respecting people’s choices and autonomy in all areas of life, it becomes easier to normalise informed consent as a minimum standard for sex.

It’s contextual

Consent to something in one context doesn’t imply consent to it in another. I might love my partner casually grabbing my ass in the kitchen while we’re cooking dinner. It doesn’t mean I want them to do it when I’m on a work call!

Never assume that consent in Context A implies consent in Context B. Always ask if you’re not sure.

It’s not transferable

Consent is inherently person-specific. In other words, consenting to something with one person doesn’t mean you’ll agree to it with someone else. This one should really be self-evident. Unfortunately, in a world where prior consensual sexual activity with someone else is still widely used to discredit survivors of sexual violence, it still needs reiterating.

It’s reversible

Consent is not meaningful if it cannot be revoked. In other words, all parties must be able to stop the activity at any point. That might mean ending an interaction, changing up the activity, or even walking away from a relationship entirely.

I don’t care if you’re the most Twue Real D/s Couple that ever existed. Consent is never, ever, ever irreversible. If it can’t be revoked, you don’t have a relationship, you have a hostage situation.

It must be informed

Consent without all pertinent information isn’t really consent.

Years ago, a friend of mine agreed to engage in a knife play scene with a Dominant who said they had years of experience. My friend found out later that the person had lied – they had hardly any experience at all. This rendered the consent she’d given meaningless, because it was given under false pretences.

In other words, lying or deliberately omitting information in order to obtain someone’s consent makes it meaningless.

It’s specific

Consent to Activity A doesn’t imply consent to Activity B. If I’ve consented to kiss you, that doesn’t mean you can stick your hand down my pants without asking. If I say you can tie me up, that doesn’t mean you also get to spank me unless I say you can. And so on.

Never assume that someone is up for something based on their having consented to something different. If there’s any doubt, ask or check in.

It’s about much more than just “not saying no”

Sadly, I still hear “but she/he/they didn’t say no” as a defence when consent has been violated. Here’s the thing: consent is about much more than just the absence of a “no”.

Is the other person actively engaged in what you’re doing together? Are they responding positively? If not, pause and check in. If they shrug, say something non-committal, or otherwise seem uncomfortable, stop.

It’s everyone’s responsibility

As I wrote about in this week’s Coffee Date, sex education is too often based on a “boys push, girls say no” model. But this is a gross over-simplification of what consent is and how it works.

Bottom line? It’s everyone’s responsibility. Never make assumptions about what someone might be “up for” based on their gender or any other characteristic.

It has limits

As a general rule, I’m a proponent of allowing informed, consenting adults to make the best decisions for themselves. However, this principle has its limits. Following the murder of Grace Millane, the UK outlawed use of the so-called “rough sex defence” in murder trials.

Here’s a great article from my friend Franki Cookney on why the rough sex defence is an antithesis to what consensual kink is all about. The bottom line? Fun, consensual kink play doesn’t cause serious harm. People cannot consent to GBH or death.

You’ll mess it up sometimes

This is the hardest one to swallow, and yet the most essential. We are, all of us, human and imperfect. I’ve made consent mistakes in the past, and I’m sure you have too.

Here’s the thing: making a mistake or fucking up in good faith doesn’t make you a garbage person. It makes you human. Apologise, change your behaviour, and learn from the incident so you don’t cause the same harm again.

What we can do is to do our best in all circumstances. This way, when we make a mistake it’s likely to be relatively minor, rather than an enormous violation that will cause someone else untold damage.

Consent is complicated!

What do you wish someone had taught you about consent?

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This post is part of my Sex Ed September series, where I’ll be sharing educational content all month long. If you find my work valuable, buying me a coffee help keeps the lights on at C&K HQ.

6 Important Things to Consider When You Choose Your First Sex Toy

If there’s one question I wish people would stop asking me, it’s “what’s the best sex toy?” I understand the reasoning behind this question, of course. When someone’s trying to choose their first sex toy, the options can be overwhelming.

Problem is, it’s the wrong question. Because the best sex toy for me won’t be the best toy for you!

To that end, here’s a quick guide to some of the important factors you should consider when you go toy shopping.

Choosing Your First Sex Toy

Buying a sex toy for the first time can be thrilling and nervewracking in equal measure. If you’ve never bought one before, how do you know if you’ll like something or not?

Unfortunately, there are no foolproof ways. But asking yourself these questions will help.

What kind of stimulation do you like?

Even if you’ve never used a toy before, you might have some idea of what kinds of stimulation you enjoy during partnered or solo sex.

Do you like intense clitoral stimulation? If so, a wand might do it for you. Do you like your sensations very pinpoint, very broad, or somewhere in between? Do you like deep penetration or shallow? Are you into length, girth, or both? And so on.

Use what you already know about your body to guide your choice.

What body part(s) do you want to use it on?

Most toys are designed with specific body parts in mind, but many can also be repurposed and used in different ways. Still, knowing which part(s) you’d like to stimulate will help you make a good choice.

Are you looking for internal (vaginal) stimulation, clitoral, or both? At the same time or separately? Do you want something to use on your penis? How do you feel about anal play? And so on.

If you’re not sure, choose a versatile toy. Many vibrators can be used both internally and externally. Dildos with a flared base are anal-safe as well as vaginal-safe.

What kind of play will it be used for?

I think you all know by now how I feel about the concept of “sex toys for couples”. (There’s no such thing! Anything is a couples’ toy if you use it with your partner!)

However, the kind of play you’ll use your toys for will have some bearing on what you choose. I absolutely love my wands. But I rarely use them during penetrative sex, because they’re just so hefty and it’s hard to fit them between bodies. If I want clitoral stimulation during vaginal or anal sex, I’m more likely to reach for my favourite bullet.

You might choose something different if you’re after a toy for solo play versus something to use with your partner. Again, you might not – but bear this in mind.

A selection of drawings of sex toys, for a post on choosing your first sex toy
Original artwork for Coffee & Kink by Charlotte Willcox

Where and when will you be using it?

Do you have children or roommates at home who you’re worried about disturbing? Does your house have thin walls? Discretion matters a great deal to some people, and not at all to others. Consider your living situation and privacy needs when you select a toy.

Do you like to masturbate in the bath or shower? If so, choose a waterproof toy. Will you be wanting to take your toy with you when you travel? In that case, something smaller or portable is a good bet. Do you regularly play in places like sex clubs where there might not be easy access to a power outlet? If so, rechargeable or battery powered is probably better than mains-powered.

What’s your budget?

This is the first question I ask people when they ask me for a sex toy recommendation, because toys vary wildly in price.

Fortunately, you can get good quality toys on a budget. So don’t let anyone tell you that you have to settle for unsafe crap if you can’t afford to drop three figures on a sex toy! This is simply not true and there are loads of manufacturers making awesome products that won’t break the bank.

Have a maximum budget, or at least a range, in mind before you go shopping.

Do aesthetics matter to you?

Some people have strong aesthetic preferences for their toys. For example, some are super turned on by a hyper-realistic dildo, while others find it offputting. Some like their toys in bright, vibrant colours. Some hate pink. Cuteness is appealing to some and cringy to others. And so on.

Do you have strong feelings on how you’d like your toy to look? You might not, and that’s okay! But if you do, pay attention to what you feel drawn to.

What next?

It’s literally impossible to recommend someone a sex toy without knowing quite a lot about their needs and preferences. The best advice I can give you is to do your research, read reviews, and get to know your body.

Then experiment and have fun!

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This post is part of my Sex Ed September series, where I’ll be sharing educational content all month long. Post contains affiliate links. All views, as always, are my own. If you find my work valuable, buying me a coffee help keeps the lights on at C&K HQ.

Five Ways Not to Invent a Sex Toy

So you want to invent a sex toy? Awesome! The world always has room for people doing cool new things in the adult industry.

But there are a few common pitfalls that people often fall into when they decide they want to do this. Avoid these simple mistakes and you’ll be off to a good start.

Don’t plunge straight in without knowing the first thing about materials and safety

Here’s a hint: if someone tells you that you shouldn’t be making your toy out of jelly, rubber, PVC, or another toxic material, and you have to ask why… you are not ready to invent a sex toy.

Do your research on safe materials before you even start thinking about bringing a pleasure product to market.

Don’t rip off other people’s ideas

You would think this would go without saying. Unfortunately, even some of the biggest players in the industry do this.

Obviously there are only so many variations on things to put on your genitals and there will be crossover in some places, but if you’ve straight-up ripped off another company’s product, we will notice. And we will not be happy.

Don’t claim that your product is revolutionary if it isn’t

You haven’t invented the First True Clitoral Stimulator Ever. The concept of a dildo is not new. Many people before you have created Things To Stick Your Penis In For Pleasure. Your toy doesn’t have to be earth-shatteringly original to be good (and many gimmicky ideas kinda suck in practice.)

Unless you’re doing something really, truly groundbreaking, don’t say that you are. We can see through it. And it makes us not trust you.

Don’t try to make a toy that mimics partnered sex (or claim that it does.)

Your toy does not feel like cunnilingus. Stop claiming that it does. We’ve heard it all before and it pisses us off.

Toys feel like toys, not like perfect replicas of partners. And that’s a good thing.

Don’t crowdfund something you can’t actually make

Okay, so you’ve had this awesome idea. Can you actually make it? Don’t start crowdfunding for something until you know exactly how you can actually make it. Where will you source the materials? How much will they cost? Where will it be made, and by whom? How much is the labour going to cost? What about distribution?

And just because you can make one prototype in your garage doesn’t mean you can mass produce it. Make sure your product is feasible on a large scale before you start asking people to pony up cash based on a neat idea.

Have you ever been tempted to invent a sex toy? I’d love to hear your ideas, no matter how wild and wacky!

If you enjoy my work, I’d love you to buy me a coffee to help me keep doing what I’m doing!

Five Ways to Mix Up Your Masturbation Routine

If, like me, you masturbate regularly, you might sometimes feel like your masturbation routine is getting a bit stale. That just means it’s time to change things up! The good news that there are loads of things you can do to keep your solo sex time interesting.

Try some of these suggestions…

Experiment with different kinds of touch

Do you always touch yourself in much the same way? Try experimenting with touching yourself in different places, in different ways, and at different speeds and levels of pressure.

Don’t just go straight for your genitals. Try touching your nipples, inner thighs, stomach, arms or anywhere else that feels good.

Take your time, and pay attention to your body’s authentic responses.

Read some new erotica or watch some new porn

No judgement if you always gravitate to the same scene or the same story to get yourself off! But trying out some new erotic stimulus can be a great way to keep yourself out of a masturbation rut.

Try joining a feminist porn site or checking out some new sexy erotica. Keep an open mind and you might be surprised what turns you on!

Treat yourself to a new sex toy

Do you always masturbate with your hands or with the same toy? If you can, treat yourself to a new toy that intrigues you. Sex toys are one of the best ways to experience a world of different sensations all by yourself.

Try a powerful wand, a rumbly bullet, a silicone stroker or a prostate massager… or whatever most takes your fancy!

Try a new lube

If you’re not already using lube for your masturbation, give it a go! Lube isn’t just for partnered sex and it isn’t just for people who struggle with dryness. Lube keeps everything slippery wet and friction-free, making for a more fun and pleasurable experience. It can also add different sensations, keeping your masturbation routine varied.

I recommend a high quality water-based lube for beginners, but you can also experiment with silicone lube (don’t use this with silicone toys), oil lube (not latex barrier compatible), or warming and tingling lubes.

Have phone or cyber sex

If you have a lover you don’t live with, this one is easy. But if you’re single and feeling brave, there are chat sites, cam sites and phone sex lines you can use to enjoy sexy chat with another person while you get yourself off.

Remember: tip well if you’re using a paid site, and never give out any personally identifying details!

What have you done to mix up your masturbation routine?

The Masturbation Monday logo, for a post about mixing up your masturbation routine

The Masturbation Monday meme is run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone else is getting off to this week, and please buy me a coffee if you find my work useful! Plus don’t forget it’s #MasturbationMonth and I’m working with Lovehoney to bring you sexy content all month long.

Easter Sex Toys (and their Chocolate Pairings)

Just for a bit of fun, I thought I’d bring you all an Easter Sunday round-up of appropriately seasonal sex toys and some recommended chocolate pairings to go with them.

Share your own in the comments!

The Come Hither Rabbit

The only Easter Bunny you’ll ever need, this is simply the best rabbit style vibrator I have ever used!

Pair it with… a timeless classic, such as Cadbury Dairy Milk.

Buy it.

Lovehoney Happy Rabbit

Does anything say Easter more than happy rabbits? This whole range is super cute and well designed, but I’m all about the Thrusting Rabbit.

Pair it with… something fun and playful. A friend on Twitter suggests Galaxy Cookie Crumble.

Buy it.

Mantric Love-Egg

This one was recommended to me by one of my lovely vegan followers. It’s a waterproof and body-safe insertable egg vibrator which is rechargeable and comes in eco-friendly, recyclable packaging.

Pair it with… some tasty vegan chocolate! My friend recommends NoMo.

Buy it.

Tenga Eggs

Tenga Eggs are affordable, single-use (or few uses, if you’re careful) masturbators, great for penis owners looking to spice up their solo or partnered playtime.

Pair it with… what else? A Creme Egg! The ultimate Easter one-bite treat.

Buy it.

Lovehoney Desire App-Controlled Love-Egg

For those who enjoy a taste of luxury, this swish and swanky app-controlled egg vibe is a lovely Easter treat! It’s also suitable for long distance use, for those of you who are not able to spend Easter with your partner(s.)

Pair it with… some really fancy, high-end chocolate. Personally I’m obsessed with Booja Booja.

Buy it.

What are you consuming – and playing with – this Easter, babes?