Tag: non monogamy

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Weaponizing Boundaries in Polyamory: How it Looks and Why It’s a Problem [Polyamory Conversation Cards #21]

Published on by Amy

We talk about boundaries a lot in the polyamorous community. Boundaries are tremendously important in any relationship, and perhaps even more so when multiple people are involved. They help to protect our wellbeing, build trust and safety, maintain individuality in a relationship, and allow us to give generously to those we love without sacrificing ourselves in the process. But what we don’t talk about enough is the phenomenon of weaponizing boundaries. In other words, using them to control others’ actions, to sneak rules in by the back door, or to attempt to avoid jealousy and other difficult emotions.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How do you feel about having sex with multiple people on the same day (but not simultaneously), both for yourself and your partner(s)?”

You might be asking, Amy, what does this have to do with weaponizing boundaries? I’m getting there!

This question made me think about a common discussion topic I see in polyamorous spaces: the “24 hour rule” (or 48 hour rule, or 3-day rule, or whatever other variation you can come up with!) In short, what this means is that a person doesn’t want to have sex (or other intimate interactions) with more than one person in a given period… or that they don’t want to have sex or other intimate interactions with a partner who has been intimate with someone else in a given period.

In and of themselves, these are valid personal boundaries. I might not personally understand them, but they’re valid if they are important to you. Where it gets dicey, though, is when they start being used to control your partner’s behaviour outside of their relationship with you. This is what I mean by weaponizing boundaries.

Let’s back up a step, though.

What a Boundary Is and Isn’t

A boundary relates to yourself, your needs or limits, and the things that belong solely to you (your body, your mind, your emotions, your time, your personal property, and so on.) Boundaries are about the things you will and won’t do, the things you will and won’t allow to be done to/with you or your things, and the types of treatment you will and won’t tolerate. Above all, boundaries are personal.

You cannot place a boundary on another person.

Read that again: you cannot place a boundary on another person.

As soon as you’re telling someone else what they can or cannot do, except as it directly relates to their interactions with you or the things that belong to you, you’re no longer drawing a boundary. You are making a rule.

“Don’t touch me” is a boundary. “You’re not allowed to watch porn” is not a boundary. “No, I can’t lend you my car” is a boundary. “You have to be home by 9PM every night” is not a boundary.

In any relationship, but particularly in a polyamorous relationship, you can’t just slap the “boundaries” label on rules and restrictions and go. Probably 8 times out of 10 at least, when someone says “my partner broke a boundary” what they actually mean is that their partner broke a rule (and often an unreasonable one at that.)

You Get to Have Whatever Boundaries You Need… But You Can’t Use Them to Control Others

Other people obviously do have some responsibility to adhere to boundaries in certain situations. For example, “don’t touch me” is a reasonable boundary that requires the other person to respect. Because your boundaries are about you, they should relate to your behaviour or things that are directly done to/with you, not things that don’t directly involve you (such as your partner’s other relationships.)

To return to the “24 hour rule” example, it’s obviously fine if you don’t want to have sex with more than one person in the same period. It’s also fine if you don’t want to have sex with someone who has had sex with someone else in whatever time period you specify. You have an absolute, inviolable right to say no to sex at any time and for any reason, including for no reason.

Where this boundary tends to go sideways, though, is when people think it gives them the right to control their partner’s sex life outside of their relationship.

If you don’t want to have sex with a person who’s had sex with someone else recently, then your responsibility in this situation is… to not have sex until the relevant amount of time has passed. It is not your partner’s responsibility to abstain from sex they’d otherwise like to be having in order to “save it” for you.

When people get upset that their partner “broke a boundary” by having sex with another partner on the morning before their date night, for example, what they’re actually doing is outsourcing their comfort to a relationship they’re not even in. What would be violating this boundary, assuming they’re aware of it, would be having sex with you without letting you know that they’ve been intimate with someone else within your comfort window.

Do you see the difference?

Some Other Examples of How Weaponizing Boundaries in Polyamory Can Look

This post isn’t actually about the “24 hour rule”, I’ve just been using that as a convenient example to illustrate my points. But to consider this subject a bit more broadly, let’s look at a few other common examples of weaponizing boundaries in polyamory.

Boundaries as Sneakiarchy

Hierarchical polyamory has a pretty bad rap these days, and for good reason. It tends to disenfranchise those who aren’t at the top of the heap, and prevent those who are from actually doing the personal growth required to have healthy polyamorous relationships. However, many people now know that hierarchical practices are frowned upon but still kind of want to enact them due to the illusion of safety they offer.

Enter: sneakiarchy, or hierarchy by stealth.

Boundaries can so easily be weaponized to bring about sneakiarchy. If you’re saying your relationships are non-hierarchical, but tacitly or openly expecting your partner to defer to you or prioritise you above your metamours under the guise of “boundaries”, this is probably what you’re doing.

Example: “my boundary is that my wife has to sleep with me every night so she can’t stay over with her boyfriend”

Boundaries as Double Standards

I don’t make a secret of the fact that I’m cynical about mono/poly relationships (where one partner is monogamous and the other polyamorous.) In my extensive experience, they rarely work and often make at least one party utterly miserable. Of course, there are exceptions. But you know what’s never an exception and never okay?? Enforced double standards or mono/poly under duress.

Unfortunately, people who want to collect partners but not allow those partners to date others will often use the language of “boundaries” to justify this blatant double standard. I’ve seen so many people despairing over this, saying things like “I identify as polyamorous and I desperately want to date others but my husband has set a boundary that I can’t.”

Say it with me: Not. A. Boundary!

Example: “I’m polyamorous but I have a boundary against having polyamorous partners so all my partners need to be monogamous to me”

Emotional Issues Disguised as Safety Boundaries

Sexual health is perhaps the arena where this issue gets the most contentious.

Sexual health is important, and we should all be taking reasonable steps to keep ourselves and our lovers safe. However, our own sexual health is ultimately our own responsibility. Many people will use the language of boundaries to place restrictions on their partners’ other relationships, citing sexual health as the reason. This can make the restrictions difficult to argue with or push back against. After all, we all agree that sexual health matters, don’t we?

But this can easily become another form of weaponizing boundaries.

If you’re concerned that your partner’s sexual health practices aren’t in line with yours, you have a few options. Use barriers with them, abstain from sex with them, do less risky activities together (such as using toys or sharing mutual masturbation), or end the relationship. What’s not fair, though, is to use your sexual health needs to control their behaviour outside of your relationship.

Example: “my boundary is that you use condoms with everyone but me to take care of my sexual health”

What Does It Mean to Enforce Your Own Boundaries in Polyamory without Weaponizing Them?

Ultimately, unless we’re talking about a situation of abuse, a boundary is only a boundary if you’re willing to enforce it. Enforcing it might look like something as small as leaving the room or ending a phone call, or as big as leaving the relationship.

Enforcing your boundaries should not be about punishing your partner, but about protecting yourself and your wellbeing. And there are numerous safe and healthy ways to enforce your boundaries in polyamory without weaponizing them.

The biggest rule of thumb here? Focus on yourself. Do what you need to do to look after yourself. If you find yourself wanting to punish your partner, control them, or lash out at them, you’re probably weaponizing your boundaries.

Let’s go back once more to the “24 hour rule” for sex. You know by now that it’s not reasonable to expect your partner to abstain from sex with your metamour that they’d both otherwise want to have. So instead you might say something like “since you had sex with X this morning, I want to wait until tomorrow to be intimate with you.” You’re enforcing your boundary clearly but kindly, and you’re placing the restriction on yourelf, not on your partner’s other relationship or any behaviour that does not directly pertain to you.

If the 24 hour rule is genuinely important to you, this will feel fine. If it makes you feel angry and resentful, you might be hiding behind a boundary as an attempt to control your partner or to punish them for having sex with your metamour. In other words, you’re weaponizing boundaries.

What to Do Instead of Weaponizing Your Boundaries

If you think you’ve been guilty of weaponizing boundaries, don’t despair. Having the self-awareness to recognise this pattern is an amazing first step. It is within your power to stop doing this, and it will lead to healthier and happier relationships if you can break that cycle.

First, get really clear on your understanding of exactly what boundaries, rules, and agreements are (I’ve got a short primer in this post.)

Next, sit down with your partner(s) and have a conversation about your relationship, its structure, and your agreements. What do you each need and want from your connection? What does your relationship need to thrive, what do you both need as individuals, and what do your (current or hypothetical) other relationships need?

From here, you can set relationship agreements that work for both of you. Remember: agreements, not rules. Try not to be restrictive here, and to focus on positive additions for your relationship. Things like “we’ll have a date night every week to spend quality time together” and “we will always tell each other the truth, even when it’s hard” are great agreements.

And, of course, talk about your boundaries. What are your absolute needs and your absolute dealbreakers? For example: I won’t stay in a relationship with someone who shouts at me, I will only have sex with people who get a sexual health test regularly, and I expect to be told the truth about things that impact me.

If you’re not sure if something is a boundary, apply this test:

  1. Does it apply directly and solely to me and things that are mine (my body, mind, emotions, time, possessions, etc?) If so, it’s probably a boundary.
  2. Does it unreasonably restrict my partner, compelling them to behave in a certain way or to take/not take certain actions against their will, in any way not directly relating to their interactions with me? If it does, it’s probably not a reasonable boundary. If not, you’re good.
  3. Am I prepared to hold and enforce this boundary if necessary, even if it means having a difficult conversation, ending an interaction, or walking away from the entire relationship? If so, it’s probably a genuine boundary.

Next time you feel tempted to weaponize a boundary to control your partner or get your way, pause and check in with yourself. What fear is being triggered? What need is not being met? Is there a difficult underlying emotion such as jealousy that’s pushing you to act in this way?

Sit with that feeling. Unpack it. Talk to your partner about the fear, need, or emotion, and ask for their support without attempting to control them. Once you get good at this, you’ll feel no need to weaponize boundaries any more.

What to Do If Your Partner is Weaponizing Their Boundaries

On the other hand, perhaps you’ve recognised that your partner is the one weaponizing boundaries. Being in this situation can be incredibly painful, confusing, and stressful, and you don’t have to put up with it.

If your partner is weaponizing their boundaries and unwilling or unable to change their behaviour, you might want to consider leaving the relationship. Of course, most people don’t want to make this decision lightly, so if you’re not ready to leave there are things you can do to help change the situation.

In some situations, a detailed heart-to-heart conversation as discussed in the last section can go a long way to solving this issue. Your partner might not even realise that they’re weaponizing boundaries and, when you point it out, may be horrified that their behaviour is harming you. Sometimes, though, this won’t be enough.

Ironically, the best way to push back against a partner’s weaponizing of boundaries while staying in the relationship is… with more, better, and stronger boundaries of your own!

This means understanding who you are, what you need, what you value, and where your limits are. It also means having a very strong understanding of what boundaries are, what respecting them looks like, and when a “boundary” isn’t a boundary.

You don’t have to capitulate to unreasonable demands just because they are phrased as “boundaries.” You get to say “that’s not a personal boundary and infringes on my autonomy/my other relationship, so I won’t be adhering to it.”

In the end, though, the responsibility lies with your partner. You can’t force them to stop weaponizing their boundaries. All you can do is maintain good boundaries of your own, push back against unreasonable demands, and leave the relationship if you decide that’s the best thing for you.

Is Weaponizing Boundaries Abuse?

There’s no easy answer to this, except to say “sometimes.”

Not all instances of weaponizing boundaries rise to the level of abuse, though some certainly can. And a pattern of weaponizing boundaries over a period of time can absolutely become a type of emotional or psychological abuse, particularly when it manifests as coercive control.

If you think you might be being abused, seek support from friends and family, see a therapist, phone a domestic abuse hotline, or contact an appropriate organisation for help. And if you think you might be abusing your partner, resources such as Respect are a great place to go for help. It’s also important to contact a qualified professional such as a therapist and get support to stop your abusive behaviour immediately.

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Sexual Incompatibility in a Relationship: Is Polyamory the Answer? [Polyamory Conversation Cards #20]

Published on by Amy

Sexual incompatibility in a relationship can take many forms. Perhaps you have a much higher or lower libido than your partner. Maybe you’re kinky and they’re not, you’re asexual and they’re not, or you’re in a mixed-orientation relationship. Perhaps your kinks, fetishes, or sexual interests don’t overlap. One of you might be unable or unwilling to have sex for reasons relating to physical or mental health, trauma, ageing, or disability, while the other still desires sex.

Sexual incompatibility can be a tricky thing to navigate, and an even harder thing to overcome. It’s also one of the reasons that formerly-monogamous couples might consider opening up a relationship to polyamory, swinging, or another form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM.)

But is polyamory actually a solution for sexual incompatibility? That’s a difficult question.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“What sexual activities would you prefer your partner(s) to explore with someone else than you?”

Sexual variety is definitely one of the reasons I’m polyamorous, though it’s far from the only (or main) reason. I enjoy getting to have sexual adventures with different people, and getting to connect with people naturally in the way that feels right for us, whether that connection involves a sexual component or not. I have a lot of sexual desires, kinks, and interests, and polyamory allows me to meet those needs and wants with different people.

Another reason I love being polyamorous, though? It also allows my partners to get certain needs met outside our relationship.

Let’s take it out of the sexual realm for a second to illustrate what I mean. I realise I might lose my Polyamorist Card for this admission but… I don’t play Dungeons & Dragons and I’m not that into board games. My nesting partner, though, loves those things. If we were monogamous I might feel bad that I couldn’t share those interests with him, or be tempted to force myself into taking part in activities I don’t enjoy. As it is, though, he can enjoy those things with his girlfriend and everyone is happy.

Sex is much the same way. Realistically, it’s very unlikely that desires, kinks, and needs will overlap 100% in any sexual relationship. Being polyamorous takes that pressure off, allowing each relationship to find its own sexual groove. When I know that my partners can also meet their sexual needs in other relationships, I don’t feel guilty or inadequate because of the things I can’t provide for them.

But does that mean polyamory is the answer to sexual incompatibility in a relationship that was formerly monogamous? Not necessarily.

Will Meeting Your Sexual Needs Elsewhere Actually Help?

After everything I’ve just said about polyamory being a wonderful way to explore different sexual needs with different people, I have to add on this enormous caveat: for me and for many people, sexual desire for a person isn’t transferrable.

What do I mean by that?

If I want to experience a particular act, I can probably meet that need with any partner with whom I have a sufficiently healthy and trusting relationship. But if what I’m craving is sex with Partner A, then sex with Partner B will probably be very nice but won’t actually address that desire.

Of course, no-one ever owes you sex. If what you actually desire is sex with your partner specifically, and they’re unwilling or unable to meet that desire, polyamory or non-monogamy is unlikely to help. Better options might be to explore together to find other ways to connect intimately, to adjust your expectations for the relationship and make peace with the situation (perhaps meeting your sexual needs through solo sex and fantasy), or to end the relationship.

It’s also okay if sexual intimacy is a core component of any romantic relationship for you. And if it is, a relationship that is sexually incompatible on a long-term basis is probably a relationship you won’t be able to be happy in, even if you also have other sexual relationships. (As fabulous sex blogger Kate Sloan wrote, “it’s okay to break up because of sex!“)

Would You Want to be Non-Monogamous if it Weren’t for This Incompatibility?

If the answer to this question is no, then you probably don’t actually want to be non-monogamous. Polyamory and non-monogamy are things you should pursue because you desire them for their own sake, because they align with your values, and because they represent how you want to live your life. They’re not a bandage for things that are missing in your existing relationship.

Opening up a relationship because of problems or deficiencies within it is almost always a bad idea. The experienced polyamorists amongst us have seen this approach, and seen it go wrong, so many times that we have a name for it: “relationship broken; add more people.”

Is the Problem Actually Sex, or Something Else?

Sexual incompatibility can certainly be a relationship issue in itself. However, it can also be a symptom of other problems. So before you leap into opening up, why not sit down with your partner and have a conversation about what your sexual incompatibility means and what it is telling you?

Sexual incompatibility that has been there since the beginning, or that is due to a fundamental aspect of identity such as asexuality, is unlikely to change. However, sexual incompatibility that has emerged over the course of your relationship can be a symptom of all kinds of things.

Physical health issues, mental health struggles such as depression, pain during sex, hormonal changes, stress, trauma, broken trust in the relationship, resentments over other conflicts or relationship problems, or one partner coming into a new understanding of their sexual orientation or gender identity are just some of the things that can be at the root of sexual incompatibility in a relationship.

Many of these issues can be worked through with mutual willingness, shared effort, plenty of love and kindness, and possibly an appropriately qualified therapist (for example, many couples find that psychosexual therapy is tremendously helpful.) Others likely spell the end of the road for your relationship, signalling that it’s time to peacefully part ways. Only you two know which is true for you.

So When Can Polyamory or Non-Monogamy Be a Solution to Sexual Incompatibility?

Sexual incompatibility, like so many aspects of relationships, is complex. If you’re sexually incompatible but want to stay together, there is unlikely to be one quick or easy fix. It will require lots of time and effort on both sides.

With all of that said, polyamory or non-monogamy can sometimes be one possible way to navigate maintaining a happy, healthy relationship when you’re sexually incompatible.

It could be a good option for you if…
  • You would both still like the idea of polyamory or non-monogamy as a relationship structure, relationship orientation, or lovestyle even if you had great sexual compatibility with each other.
  • You’ve talked about what opening up would mean for your relationship – the challenges, changes, pitfalls, and fears as well as the opportunities.
  • You’re able to have open and vulnerable conversations about your relationships, sex, and your feelings.
  • You’ve done your research – read the books, listened to the podcasts, gone to the meet-ups, made polyamorous friends, and learned the theory.
  • You’ve worked on decoupling/disentangling, learning to view yourselves as two autonomous individuals in a relationship rather than a single unit.
  • You’re willing to sit with uncomfortable feelings, communicate, and maintain personal boundaries rather than relying on rules and restrictions to keep you safe.
  • You are ready to treat incoming partners well, work to eliminate or minimise hierarchy, and actively dismantle couples’ privilege.

In general, opening up a relationship to polyamory or non-monogamy should feel like the next exciting step on an adventure you’re taking, both together and as individuals. It should not feel like an ultimatum, a proverbial gun to the head, or the only way to bring a dying relationship back from the brink.

And sure, sometimes sexual incompatibility can be the catalyst for transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy. But it’s rarely the only catalyst, and it’s certainly not a quick fix or an easy solution.

If you find my work helpful, I’d love it if you shared it on Bluesky. You can also buy me a coffee to say thanks!

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NRE in Polyamory: 4 Common New Relationship Energy Mistakes to Avoid [Polyamory Conversation Cards #19]

Published on by Amy

New relationship energy, or NRE, is not unique to polyamory. Also known as the “honeymoon period”, NRE is that giddy and love-drunk feeling you get at the beginning of a new relationship. It might include heightened sexual desire, intense emotions, or a desire to spend all your time with the new person. Staying up late into the night texting? Bugging all your friends because you just cannot stop talking about your shiny new sweetie? You might be in NRE! NRE in polyamory can be one of the main benefits of this lovestyle, in that you can (at least theoretically) experience it many times in your life without needing to lose existing relationships in between new connections. However, it can also cause some problems.

NRE has a biological explanation and a real purpose in building relationships. Simply put, it is the result of a concoction of brain chemicals such as dopamine, vasopressin, and oxytocin, which activate the brain’s reward centre and make you crave more. NRE can help to build strong bonds in the early stages of a relationship, laying the foundations for a lasting connection.

How long does NRE last?

The short answer is “it depends.” NRE naturally fades over time. Ideally, this leads to a more comfortable and sustainable, but no less wonderful, long-term bond. Sometimes, though, the partners may find they have little in common or aren’t cut out for a long-term relationship once the NRE fades. The typical timeframe for NRE can be anything from six months to two years, but your experience may vary.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How can you best nurture your existing relationships when you’re captivated by a new, exciting connection?”

So it’s time to talk about NRE, the most common mistakes that NRE in polyamory can lead to, and how to avoid (or mitigate) them.

Neglecting Your Existing Relationship(s)

This one is first on the list because it’s the most common NRE mistake of all. If you already have an existing partner or partners, it can be so easy to inadvertently neglect them when you’re in the throes of NRE with a new person.

When you’ve been with someone for a long time, it is easy to make the mistake of taking them for granted. You assume they will always be there. But neglecting your partner(s) during NRE can cause serious damage to those relationships.

A partner who feels neglected is understandably likely to feel bitter, jealous, and resentful of the new relationship, and may find it harder to be supportive or excited for you. This can also cause issues between metamours, since the neglected partner may find it easier to deflect the blame onto the new sweetie for “stealing” their partner’s time and attention.

What to Do About It

Whenever you’re beginning a new relationship, and particularly if the new connection is heavy on NRE, make a point of giving your existing partner(s) plenty of attention.

Set aside time to spend with them. Take them on dates, learn their love languages, and give them gestures that will be meaningful to them. Check in with them regularly to see how they’re feeling and ensure their needs are being met. Keep up with your half of any shared responsibilities, such as household chores or childcare. Perhaps most importantly, ensure that you’re not texting your new partner or talking about them constantly when you’re supposed to be spending time with your existing partner.

Leaving Your Long Term Partner(s) for the New Shiny

This is the less common but more extreme version of the above. Even in polyamory, some people will mistake “I’m in NRE” for “this person is my one and only soulmate” and break up with their existing partner(s) to marry, move in with, spend all their time with, or even become monogamous with the new person.

I’ve seen relationships and marriages of decades end for this reason. It’s uniquely painful to be dumped for someone else, particularly when your partner says or implies that it’s because the new person is “more exciting” than you.

What to Do About It

I’m not going to tell you “never end an existing relationship while you’re in NRE with a new person.” Some relationships need to end, and it’s always okay to walk away from something that is hurting you. But I will advise you to be extremely careful about doing so. In particular, never leave an existing relationship because of a new one.

It can be tempting to walk away from the comfort, safety, and relatively low excitement of a long-term relationship for the fireworks and butterflies of a new one. But here’s the thing: those aspects of a relationship don’t last forever. Think back to the early days of your relationship with your long-term partner. Chances are that it, too, was intense and passionate in the beginning. NRE is never permanent, and it’s not worth throwing away a wonderful relationship for.

The new person is more exciting because they’re new. They won’t be new forever, and then what? You’ll be right back where you started and looking for your next NRE fix. This is why, perhaps counterintuitively, people who behave like NRE addicts tend to be pretty bad at polyamory.

Making Life-Altering Decisions During NRE

Relationships can be life-changing, in both good and bad ways. But one of the biggest mistakes people make during NRE is to make big, irreversible, life-altering decisions such as moving, getting married, or having children.

Of course, you’ll hear stories about people who did this and it worked out wonderfully. (I moved in with my nesting partner after less than a year. It worked out great for us. Does that mean I recommend it in general? No.) But you’ll also hear a lot of stories about people who did it and ended up suffering the emotional, legal, financial, and logistical ramifications for far longer than the relationship lasted.

What to Do About It

I believe it was Cunning Minx of the long-running but now dearly departed Polyamory Weekly podcast who said something like “never pack anything bigger than a suitcase during NRE.” And this is great advice. I would extend it to, simply, “never make life-altering decisions that you can’t walk back during NRE.”

So along with not dumping your existing partner for the new person (see above), don’t pack up your life and move across the country or the world. Don’t quit your job. Don’t have a child together. Maybe put off those matching tattoos. (I did get matching piercings with an ex. They lasted longer than the relationship. Would not recommend.)

And look, I’m saying this as a sapphic. So-called “U-hauling” is kind of our thing – we’re famous for it! But seriously, if you want to do all these things with your new partner, the opportunity will still be there in a few months or a couple of years. And if the relationship isn’t meant to last? You’ll be really glad you didn’t.

Compromising Your Boundaries and Values

When you’re really in love (or limerance) with a new person, it can be tempting to do or say anything to make the relationship work. This can lead to compromising on your own wants, needs, boundaries, and values. You might sign up for dynamics that will make you miserable, agree to rules you don’t actually want to follow, transform your appearance or personality, or minimise aspects of yourself to make the other person more comfortable. At the extreme end of the spectrum, it can even lead to overlooking abusive behaviours or red flags for abuse.

Every time I have violated my own boundaries and values for a relationship, I have regretted it. Every time I have been a Crane Wife, I have felt like I was cutting out a piece of my soul.

What to Do About It

It can be good to be flexible on what you’re looking for in a relationship. After all, love and connection can come in unexpected guises. But it’s also good to get super clear on your bottom lines, non-negotiables, and dealbreakers. If you ever catch yourself saying “I know I said I couldn’t be with someone who… but…”, pay attention to that. Are you being flexible to enable a good connection to bloom, or are you compromising on something you really shouldn’t compromise on?

It’s also smart to listen to the people closest to you, such as your existing partner(s) if you have them and your close friends. If they’ve commented that you don’t seem like yourself, or that you seem to be living out of alignment with your stated desires and values, that’s something to pay attention to.

Relationships can and do change us. They can teach us things and broaden our horizons. But a good relationship enables you to be more fully yourself, not less so.

Managing NRE in Polyamory: Additional Resources

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[Guest Post] Navigating Your Polycule Relationship: How to Stay Grounded in a Multi-Partner Network by Samantha Squirt

Published on by Amy

One of the reasons I steadfastly refuse to be called a “polyamory expert” is that polyamory and consensual non-monogamy are infinitely varied and everyone has their own experience. Everything I advise, suggest, and share comes from my experience and the things I’ve learned in the time I’ve been practicing polyamory.

Today’s guest post comes from Samantha Squirt (she/her) and focuses on her top tips for navigating the interconnected polycule relationship network. I think it includes some great insights! Maybe you’ll find them useful too.

Over to Sam!

Amy x

Navigating Your Polycule Relationship: How to Stay Grounded in a Multi-Partner Network by Samantha Squirt

If you’re interested in consensual non-monogamy, you have probably heard about polycules and the beautiful chaos they can be. Think of them like those fancy molecular diagrams from high school chemistry, except instead of hydrogen bonds, we’re dealing with hearts, hormones, and those moments where your partner’s partner is suddenly crying on your couch at 3 AM over her comet partner attempting to enact a One Penis Policy (OPP). 

Today we’re talking about polycule relationship dynamics and how to stay emotionally grounded within multi-partner networks. 

But just like any complex network–whether it’s city streets, neural pathways, or that convoluted web of who’s dating who in your favorite TV show this week–we need to understand how to navigate these intersections without causing an emotional pile-up. And let’s be real, when you’re juggling multiple relationships, emotions can run high.

In this post, I’m going to walk you through everything you need to know about staying grounded while your love life looks like a beautiful spider web. Whether your polycule relationship network is a cozy triangle or resembles an advanced calculus problem, I’m going to help you map out these emotional territories like a pro so that your relationships can survive even the strongest of storms

So grab your favorite beverage (and maybe your calendar, because scheduling is about to become your new best friend), and let’s dig into the nitty-gritty of making a polycule work. By the end of this guide, you’ll be communicating more effectively than your therapist and loving more authentically than ever before.

What Makes The Polyam Web Wobble?

After diving into the existing research and taking into account some personal experience too, I’ve mapped out the five most common drama bombs that can shake up a polycule. Let’s break them down:

Time Management

This isn’t just about scheduling dates. We’re talking about the constant juggling act of making sure everyone feels prioritized. 

While you’re trying to maintain a career, self-care routine, and remembering to feed your pet fish, Partner A may feel like they’re getting less quality time with you than Partner B. All the while, Partner C is wondering why you still haven’t answered their texts from three days ago… 

Yeah, when it comes to managing time in a polycule, it may get messy. 

Jealousy

Let’s be real–jealousy hits different in polyamorous relationships. It’s not just about who your partner might be flirting with; you might be watching them build beautiful, meaningful connections with others while you’re sitting at home wondering if they laugh at their other partner’s jokes more than yours. 

Those who are new to polyamory often find that this isn’t the garden-variety jealousy they’re used to. This is jealousy on steroids with a PhD in Making You Question Everything.

Backburner Blues

You know when that pot of rice is done, but you still need to finish the main dish? You put it on the backburner. And that can happen to people in your polycule, too. 

Most of us have been there. “Backburning” is when you start treating your partners like they’re episodes of that show that you’ll totally get around to watching… someday. It’s when you emotionally, physically, sexually, or mentally neglect someone in the polycule while the relationship is still technically in place. This is sometimes intentional, but more often than not it happens unintentionally. 

Maybe your new relationship energy (NRE) with someone is making you neglect older connections, or perhaps you’re unconsciously creating a hierarchy that nobody agreed to. Either way, putting someone you love on the backburner is cruel and unkind, and being backburnered is uniquely painful. 

Communication Overload

Picture this: You’ve got three partners, each with two other partners, and everyone needs to discuss boundaries, feelings, and who’s bringing what to next week’s polycule potluck. Suddenly you’re spending more time processing emotions than a therapist on a Monday morning.

Communication is key to polyamory, of course, but striking the balance is important. Too much emotional processing can be overwhelming, and too little of it can lead to miscommunications and hurt feelings in your polycule. 

Resource Distribution Drama

I’m not just talking about time here. We’re also looking at emotional energy, sexual energy, money, and even simple things like how many nights you can stay over at each partner’s place.

When Sarah needs emotional support during her work crisis but Mike is going through a family crisis and Pat really just wants to watch a movie with you tonight… realistically, something’s gotta give. Unless you’ve somehow cracked the ability to be in multiple places at once and can listen to Mike process his family drama and talk Sarah through her work problems while simultaneously making out with Pat in the room next door, then you’re going to have to optimize your resource distribution. 

Navigating These Polycule Relationship Network Challenges Successfully

Here’s the tea: if you’re knowingly nodding along to any (or all) of the above, congratulations! You’re normal! These challenges aren’t signs that you’re “doing polyamory wrong”. They’re just part of the beautiful complexity that is loving multiple people openly and honestly.

In the next section, we’ll dive into strategies for tackling each of these issues head-on and discover how you can ground yourself amidst this whirlwind of emotion. 

1. Time & Resource Management: How To Always Have Time For Everyone in the Polycule

Time management in a polycule starts with open communication and a clear understanding of each person’s needs. Think of your polycule relationship network like a family, because it is!

Try mapping out a shared calendar with everyone’s work shifts, existing commitments, dates, and personal time. This helps to ensure no one gets overlooked or double-booked. Remember that quality of time matters at least as much as quantity of time, so plan meaningful activities with each partner (and as a group, if that’s something you like to do) while checking in regularly to make sure everyone feels prioritised. 

By treating time as a shared resource and staying flexible, you’ll create a balanced dynamic that makes every person feel valued and included.

One of the most important but overlooked aspects of polycule time management is… (drumroll please) scheduling time for yourself! This means time for self-care, hobbies, friends, or just to veg on the couch and watch that guilty pleasure show you love. 

If you are continually putting out fires from your lovers, inevitably you will burn out. The best thing that you can do for your polycule is to make sure you do not lose your sense of self.

2. Managing Jealousy Like a Pro

Let’s get real about jealousy, babes. In polyamory, jealousy isn’t just an occasional visitor–it’s more like that friend who crashes on your couch and keeps eating all your snacks. It’s going to show up from time to time, and it’s going to test you.

Picture this: you’re at a social gathering, feeling cute and confident, when suddenly you notice your nesting partner giving their comet partner’s ass in those perfectly fitted jeans a lingering look. Or maybe your lover wants to keep your relationship on the down-low, but they’re posting heart-eye emojis all over their other partner’s Instagram. Bam: green-eyed monster! 

Here’s the thing, jealousy and not feeling secure in polyamory isn’t a sign you’re failing. It’s just proof you’re human. Jealousy is as natural as life, death, and forgetting where you put the TV remote. Trying to pretend you don’t ever feel jealous is like trying to pretend you don’t see your partner’s throbbing hickey from someone else. You’re not fooling anyone, especially yourself.

The key is to:

  • Name it: “Why yes, that is jealousy making my eye twitch”
  • Claim it: “These are my feelings, and they’re valid”
  • Tame it: “But they don’t have to control my actions”

Jealousy is usually just the bouncer at the door of your real issues. Behind it, if you look, you might find:

  • Your self-esteem doing the limbo (and not in a fun way)
  • Your abandonment fears having a party
  • Your trust issues playing hide and seek
  • Your scarcity mindset attempting to hoard all the love
  • Your comparison anxiety making spreadsheets about who gets more attention

Whenever you feel yourself getting jealous, it’s very important to ground and bring yourself back to your centre. Jealousy can feel like a baby giraffe taking its first steps: wobbly, uncertain, and more than a little awkward. Give yourself permission to stumble and catch your balance by taking plenty of deep breaths and processing your feelings at your own pace. 

It’s okay to ask your partner(s) for reassurance (it’s not needy, it’s necessary), and remember that boundaries can shift as you learn what feels safe. When polycule jealousy appears, hit the “Pause and Process” button instead of the panic button, lean on your support system, and keep a list of self-soothing activities close at hand. Save those sweet texts your partner sent you and reread them for a quick reminder that love isn’t a finite pie and there’s enough whipped cream to go around.

Pro tip: This is where therapy becomes your best friend. A good therapist is like a tour guide through the haunted house of your emotions. They’ll help you face the scary stuff without running away screaming.

3. Don’t Allow Yourself to Be Backburnered and Don’t Backburner Others

Emotional neglect in polyamory hits different than in monogamy. It’s not just about missing a date night or forgetting to text back once in a while. It’s that slow, subtle shift where someone who used to be a main character in your love story starts feeling like an extra in the background. Worse, they may feel usurped or replaced. 

Maybe you’ve got that shiny new relationship energy (NRE) with someone else, and suddenly your established partner is eating dinner alone every night. Or perhaps you’re unconsciously prioritizing the partner who’s more “convenient,” while the long-distance love in your life is surviving on scraps of attention and occasional video calls.

Backburnering can sneak up without us even realizing it. One day you’re juggling all your relationships like a pro circus performer, the next you’re treating someone like that gym membership you keep meaning to use but never do.

Think of your polycule relationship as a carefully balanced recipe, where each partner adds their own unique flavor. A dash of Patrick, a sprinkle of Hannah, and the right amount of heat and attention, and it all comes together perfectly. If you leave one pot simmering unattended on the backburner, though, it can end up forgotten and burnt. 

By staying mindful of everyone’s needs, sharing schedules (see above,) and making time for face-to-face connection, you’ll create a dish that truly satisfies. In this kitchen of love, no one should feel like a leftover. Keep stirring the pot, tasting frequently, and you’ll find the sweet spot where all ingredients blend harmoniously.

4. Communication Overload In the Polycule

If you’ve got multiple partners and they’ve got multiple partners, that’s a lot of feelings to process and a lot of opinions weighing in on scheduling dilemmas, date nights, and where you’re going for the next group outing. Before you know it, your phone’s buzzing away like the new butt plug your partner gave you for Christmas. Then you’re juggling emotions, Google Calendars, and someone’s latest relationship epiphany all at once. 

The key to not drowning in this sea of communication? Keep it structured and intentional. 

Set up regular check-ins, whether it’s a weekly polycule meeting, a shared calendar, or even a group chat designated just for planning. Resist the urge to handle everything as soon as it pops up, and instead schedule time for heavier topics (yes, “emotional processing hour” can be a real thing). A little organization and time for strategic communication will go a long way in helping you stay grounded.

These are my top tips for navigating communication before it becomes communication overload:

  1. Create Clear Channels: Try designating different spaces for different purposes. For example, have one group chat for day-to-day chat, memes, and quick check-ins, and another (or even a shared Google Doc) for serious discussions on subjects like finances, scheduling, or relationship agreements. This way, you won’t miss crucial updates amidst the influx of photos of your metamour’s new kitten. 
  2. Set and Respect Boundaries: Just because you love everyone doesn’t mean you’re on call 24/7. If your partner texts at 3 AM about date night logistics, it’s okay to say “I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” Healthy boundaries around communication help keep you from burning out. 
  3. Schedule Family Meetings: A regular group check-in gives you a set time to tackle deeper topics instead of wading through constant back-and-forth texts. Whether it’s in person or online, this gives everyone intentional and focused time to discuss what’s working, what’s not, and anything that needs extra attention. 
  4. Prioritize Face-to-Face (or Video Call) When You Can: So much nuance can get lost in text messages. If you’re finding yourself in endless threads trying to clarify tone or discern someone’s meaning, it might be time to hop on a video call or schedule some real-time conversation. It could save hours of textual confusion.
  5. Delegate Where Possible: If you end up being the de facto social secretary of your polycule relationship network, ask your partners or metamours to take the lead on certain tasks. Sharing the load can make a huge difference. You don’t have to be the person who remembers everyone’s birthday, books the restaurant table for group dinner, and manages everyone’s feelings about a sudden schedule change. 

By combining clear communication channels, healthy boundaries, and a willingness to occasionally say “let’s chat about this later,” you can keep the conversation flowing without drowning in it.

Staying Grounded In Your Polycule Relationship Web

Navigating the polyamorous relationship web inevitably means embracing a bit of chaos from time to time. Polyamory isn’t just about having multiple partners, but about cultivating multiple meaningful connections that honor everyone’s needs including your own. It’s a balancing act of time, money, attention, and emotional support. 

But with open communication, intentional scheduling, and a commitment to kindness towards yourself and your partners, it’s very possible to create a dynamic where everyone is happy, satisfied, and feels that their needs are being met. 

Remember: love isn’t a finite resource, but your energy is.

Check in regularly with yourself and each member of the polycule, setting aside moments to recalibrate, breathe, and figure out what’s working and what’s not. By recognizing your limits, sharing them openly, and staying curious about your partners’ and metamours’ experiences, you’ll be better equipped to weather the rocky emotional waves and keep everyone feeling cherished. It may not always be easy, but when done right, a polycule can be a living, breathing testament to the fact that love truly does grow the more you share it.

About the Writer

Samantha Squirt is the bold and unapologetic mind and fingers behind squirtstudios.com. She thrives on diving into the juiciest corners of pop cultures intimate trends from the rise of ass-eating to decoding the world of gooning. Samantha combines wit, wisdom, and just the right amount of sass to keep her readers entertained and educated in sexual wellness.

Header image for a post on what is a polyamorous family?

What is a Polyamorous Family? A Few Ways Poly Families Can Look [Polyamory Conversation Cards #18]

Published on by Amy

Sadly, we live in a society that still has a pretty narrow definition of what a “family” is. Ask most people to describe a family, and they’ll give you some variation of “mum, dad, children.” But any of us who do relationships outside of society’s prescribed cisheteromononormative model know that this is just one option amongst many.

Queer people have been creating intentional families forever. Well, so have consensually non-monogamous and polyamorous people.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How do you feel about having children with your partner(s)? What about your partner(s) having children with other partners?”

I’ve been sitting on this card since I drew it, wondering how to tackle it. I’m lifelong childfree by choice, and I have a personal policy of not dating anyone who has children or is intending to have them in the future. So in some ways, this question isn’t relevant to me. I also feel wildly unqualified to discuss parenting in any kind of meaningful way. However, I do have lots of poly friends who have kids. I also consider myself part of an all-adults (and cats) poly family. So this got me thinking about the various different permutations of polyamorous families that exist.

So what is a polyamorous family and how can you create one? Let’s talk about how they can look, shall we?

Creating a Blended Family

Blended families are not new. They’ve been commonplace for as long as separation/divorce and remarriage have existed, and probably even longer. In the monogamous world, they often happen when a couple with children splits up, and then one or both of them gets a new partner.

Creating blended families is also pretty common in the polyamorous world. A lot of people come to polyamory later, having been in a monogamous relationship for many years and had children with their formerly-monogamous partner. Others have always been polyamorous, but have split up or denested with their co-parent(s) along the way. In these situations, a blended family can occur when people who already have children start dating others (who may or may not also have their own kids) and decide they want to build a serious, entangled relationship.

Example: Alice and her wife Beth have a three year old child together. Beth then starts dating Charlie, who has two children with his ex-wife. Charlie and his children become part of Alice, Beth and their child’s life, creating a blended polyamorous family.

Having Children in a Poly Family

Deciding to have children is a huge decision and not something that should be taken lightly in any relationship. But if you decide you want to have children with your partners, there are numerous ways to do it.

If there are multiple people in your polycule who are capable of becoming pregnant, you will need to decide on who will carry and give birth to the child. Likewise if there are multiple people capable of getting somebody pregnant. Your decisions here will likely take into account a wide array of factors, from personal preferences to level of physical or emotional risk.

If you have access to suitable medical care and legal structures that allow it, some poly families decide that two members of a polycule will provide the biological material to create a child and another member of the polycule will carry and birth the baby.

Some people with multiple partners who are capable of getting them pregnant decide to simply have unprotected sex with both/all of their partners, letting biology do its thing and considering everyone equal parents regardless of biological parentage. This option is fraught with potential issues so I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it, but it is a thing some people do.

If your polycule does not have a combination of at least one person with a uterus who can (or wants to) carry a child and at least one person with a penis who can (or wants to) get someone pregnant, you may need to explore other options such as adoption, surrogacy, fertility treatments, and so on.

A major word of caution: in many places, including the UK, a child cannot have more than two legal parents. This means that things can get messy and painful for everyone, especially the kids, in the event of a polyamorous family break-up. The laws surrounding parental responsibility and parental rights are complex, and vary tremendously by jurisdiction. Always, always consult a sympathetic family lawyer as part of your polyamorous family planning.

Example: Dani has two male partners, Edward and Finn, and they have all lived together happily for many years. The three of them decide they want to have children together. After extensive discussion, they decide that Finn will be the biological father of their first child but that all three of them will play an equal parental role. The three of them find a poly-friendly family lawyer who can help them navigate the legal complexities involved in this arrangement.

An All-Adults Poly Family

Of course, children are not necessary to create a family. You can also have a poly family consisting entirely of adults, if you want! My nesting partner and our cat are my family. Other partners and metamours and friends can and have also become part of that family, too.

All living together isn’t necessary to be a family, either. You can if you want to, of course, but it’s optional. Not everyone is suited to sharing living space and it doesn’t make you any less family. There are very few people I could happily live with. But my family is not defined by who lives under the same roof and yours doesn’t need to be, either.

Example: Greg starts a relationship with Harry. After they’ve been dating for a while, Greg also really hits it off with Harry’s husband Isaac, and they form a strong platonic friendship. The three of them spend a lot of time together playing games, watching movies, or walking their dogs and consider themselves a family. If any of them start a new relationship at any point, they’re also open to that person becoming a part of their family.

Family in a Parallel Polyamorous Relationship

Parallel polyamory occurs when a person has two or more partners, but those partners have little to no interaction with one another. They know the other(s) exist and may know top-line information about one another, but that’s the extent of the relationship.

However, practicing parallel polyamory doesn’t mean you can’t create a sense of family within your poly relationships. There’s no reason you can’t become family with both, multiple, or all of your partners. This is possible even if those individuals don’t consider each other family.

Example: James has two partners, his girlfriend Kelly and his boyfriend Luke. Kelly and Luke prefer not to spend time together. Therefore, James practices parallel polyamory and nests part-time with each of his partners. He considers them both vital parts of his family even though the two relationships are separate, and prioritises special time and building traditions with both partners.

So What is a Polyamorous Family?

Ultimately, it’s whatever you decide it is! As Sophie Beer’s adorable children’s book says: love makes a family. You get to define what that looks like for you.

I’ve said it many times: one of the most simultaneously glorious and frustrating things about polyamory is how few roadmaps we have. This means there are few scripts to follow and we’re often making it up as we go along. However, it also means tremendous freedom to structure our relationships, our commitments, and our families in the ways that work for us.

Further Reading (and Listening)

Stack of suitcases. Header image for a post on how negative past experiences can impact a polyamorous relationship

How Negative Past Experiences Can Impact Your Polyamorous Relationships and 5 Things You Can Do About It [Polyamory Conversation Cards #17]

Published on by Amy

Unless we have been exceptionally lucky, almost all of us have had at least some negative past experiences in our lives. This can range from the regular “difficult stuff” of life (bad breakups, relationship struggles, work woes, money worries, and so on) through to trauma, abuse, loss and grief, serious illness or injury, and more. We carry these experiences with us and, in many cases, they can continue to harm us long after the original bad thing has passed.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“What do your partners need to know about anxieties or bad experiences you’ve had in the past that might influence your relationships?”

So today we’re talking negative past experiences that can impact your polyamorous relationships and how to navigate these challenges successfully.

How Negative Past Experiences Can Impact Current Relationships

We are all a product of the various life experiences we have had, beginning pretty much from birth. There is now good evidence, for example, that our attachment styles are formed in very early childhood in response to our relationships with our primary caregivers. Bad experiences in relationships, in particular – from painful breakups to abuse – can continue to impact us in future relationships.

Has your partner ever done something, even inoccuously or with good intentions, that reminded you of a bad past experience in another relationship? If so, you might be familiar with those awful feelings of your stomach dropping, your nervous system kicking into high gear, or your fight-flight-freeze-fawn impulses jumping to life.

Perhaps you reacted badly, as though you were still living through the bad past experience. Perhaps you got extremely upset or distressed, or fought with your partner. Maybe they were confused, hurt, or angry because they didn’t understand where this extreme reaction had come from.

In a less obvious but no less damaging way, negative past experiences can cause us to put up walls, refuse to make ourselves vulnerable, hold back from trusting even the most trustworthy partners, or even hesitate to form intimate relationships at all.

How This Can Look in Polyamory

In many ways, the manifestation of bad past experiences in present relationships is broadly similar whether you’re monogamous or polyamorous. However, there are particular and specific ways this can manifest in polyamory that aren’t relevant in monogamy. Most commonly, this appears in the context of your feelings about or reactions to your partner(s) having relationships with other people.

For example, past relationship traumas or attachment wounds can manifest in extreme jealousy, possessiveness, insecurity, or anxiety around your partners’ other relationships. Some people will turn these feelings outwards, attempting to control their partners or implement rigid rules in an attempt to keep themselves safe. Others will turn them inwards, convincing themselves that they are unworthy, unloveable, and that their partners are inevitably going to leave them for other people.

You might experience intense feelings such as sadness or rage, or you might feel empty or “numb”. You might experience intense feelings of fear, rejection, abandonment and so on. This can happen even if polyamory is something you genuinely want and are wholeheartedly on board with and consenting to.

…And 5 Positive Things You Can Do About It

So you’ve identified that in some way, your negative past experiences are having a detrimental impact on your current relationship(s.) In this section we’ll look at five things you can do about it.

This is not a recipe to never feel difficult feelings in polyamory again. This also isn’t a substitute for professional support in dealing with your struggles. It’s just a collecton of tools that I and my partners and friends have found helpful, in the hope that some of them might help you too.

1. Take Stock to Make Sure Patterns Aren’t Repeating

Sometimes, triggers or responses to negative past experiences are inaccurate. They are simply your mind trying to protect you and being a little over-vigilant about it (more on this in section 5 below). However, sometimes they’re also on to something real.

Take a moment, once you’ve calmed your immediate nervous system response, to take a critical look at your situation and take stock. What is actually happening? How do you feel about it?

It is possible that your current partner really is doing something similar to you that a past partner did, whether intentionally or accidentally. If so, this might require action, from talking to your partner up to leaving the relationship. It’s also possible that your feelings are revealing an unmet need in your relationships, which you can address with your partner(s) once you’ve identified it.

In other words, before you assume your reaction is irrational or doesn’t reflect your current reality, make sure that’s actually true. Trauma survivors are notoriously good at gaslighting ourselves and convincing ourselves that our valid and rational responses to present harm are simply a manifestation of our past experiences.

2. Talk to Your Partner(s) and Ask For What You Need

Good partners want to love and support you through difficulties. In safe relationships, it is vital that you have a space to tell your partners that you are struggling and ask for support.

Try to have this conversation when you’re calm, not while triggered or in the immediate aftermath. Tell your partner(s) about the negative past experiences that are coming up for you, how you are feeling, what strategies you’ve tried so far if any, and what you think you might need from them.

It’s also okay to not be sure what you need and to ask your partner(s) to help you come up with possible solutions, try things out, and figure it out as you go.

3. Go to Therapy

When it comes to dealing with trauma or bad past experiences, there is really no substitute for professional therapy. If you can possibly afford it (or live in a country with a functioning socialised mental health system!) then get yourself into therapy. Many therapists also offer sliding scale systems to help those on lower incomes to access treatment. Look for a sex-positive and polyamory-informed therapist if you can.

In addition to therapy (not instead of!) some people may find it helpful to work with a polyamorous relationship coach. Coaches are not therapists, and are not qualified to help you through trauma and mental health struggles. However, they can help you to develop skills that will improve your polyamorous relationships, teach you more about yourself, and teach you various tools you can use to manage challenges when they come up.

4. Learn to Identify Your Triggers (and Short-Circuit Them)

Chances are, if you pay attention, you will be able to identify some common themes in the specific negative past experiences that are coming up for you and the ways that they manifest in your relationship(s.) Start identifying your specific triggers, or the things that cause you to feel those intense and painful feelings associated with past trauma.

Once you understand what’s being triggered and why, you can implement strategies to bring yourself out of that place more quickly. What will work for you is deeply personal, but here are a few possibilities you might like to try:

  • Giving yourself reassurance, either out loud or in your head, that you are safe and that your partner is not the person/people who harmed you (my therapist likes the phrase “that was then, and this is now”)
  • Taking some deep, intentional breaths (e.g. breathing in for a count of four, holding, then breathing out for another count of four)
  • Doing something physical such as dancing, running, yoga, or even just a few stretches
  • Pausing to count to 10 before reacting
  • Distracting yourself with reading, TV, a video game, a craft project, or any other activity you enjoy
  • Getting out of your head and into your body by doing something physically pleasurable such as taking a hot bath or masturbating

By learning how to calm your nervous system from the immediate, overwhelming intensity of a triggering incident, you can better self-regulate and then address things from a healthier and calmer place.

5. Give Yourself Time and Grace

Here’s something I want you to understand: in holding on to these negative past experiences, your mind and body are trying to keep you safe. They want to prevent you from further harm and keep you from finding yourself in the same situation again.

That is amazing.

If you can, try to show grace and give thanks to the parts of you that are trying to protect you, even while reminding them that they can dial back their vigilance because you are safe now.

I find the technique of self-parenting helpful here. What would you say to an upset or distressed child who was feeling something like what you’re feeling? How would you treat them? Now offer that support, understanding, and compassion to yourself.

These things take time. Your negative past experiences were real and it’s understandable that they still impact you. But you’ve got this.

Resources

This stuff is complicated and I cannot possibly create a comprehensive guide. These are a few resources that helped me; maybe they’ll help you too.

If you’ve identified that baggage, trauma, or other negative past experiences are impacting your polyamorous relationships, how have you dealt with them?

This post contains affiliate links.

Header image for book review of Monogamy? In This Economy? by Laura Boyle

[Book Review] Monogamy? In This Economy? by Laura Boyle

Published on by Amy

“Monogamy? In this economy!?” has become a bit of a meme or running joke in the polyamorous community recently. The idea, of course, is that amidst a cost of living crisis it can be more cost-effective to live in a household of multiple adults.

Obviously this is very tongue-in-cheek. No-one would seriously suggest mass polyamory as a long-term solution to one of the worst financial crises in living memory. However, it also speaks to a real truth: some polyamorous people choose to live together and combine finances out of genuine desire, others do it out of economic necessity. And honestly, for most people (regardless of relationship style), the choices we make around nesting, money and childrearing are probably driven by a combination of those two factors.

Taking on this theme, Laura Boyle (author of Ready For Polyamory and creator of the Ready For Polyamory blog) brings us her new book: Monogamy? In This Economy? Finances, Childrearing and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory.

What’s It About and Who Is It For?

The subtitle pretty much says it all. Stepping away from the “Polyamory 101” and “how to have healthy polyamorous relationships” style of guidebook that is so prolific, Boyle has instead chosen to focus on the practicalities of actually living a polyamorous family life in a world designed for monogamy. How do polyamorous people live together, and where? What if you want to live with your partner but can’t stand your metamour? How do polyamorous families manage finances? What about the children? All these, and more, are questions that countless polyamorous people have been asked and have asked ourselves. Boyle aims to tackle them and many more here.

In preparation for writing this book, Boyle interviewed over 400 polyamorous people. These people live in virtually every permutation of “three or more adults in one household” that you can imagine. I’m frankly in awe of the research that has gone into this book and the hours it must have taken.

Boyle is US-American, and her book does naturally have a slant in that direction. Some of her research participants are located outside the US, though. Those individuals’ and families’ experiences provide useful insights into how geography, local laws and cultural norms can have an impact on polyamorous families.

Overall, you will probably find this book to be of the most practical benefit if you live in the US. However, there’s also plenty there for those of us doing polyamory in the rest of the world. In short, it’s for anyone who is polyamorous (or poly-curious) and wants to learn about how polyamorous people navigate the realities of 21st Century life.

What’s Covered

Boyle begins by briefly introducing polyamory, the concept of polyamorous families, and the methodology behind her survey in chapter 1. In chapter 2, she explores the different formats that polyamorous households can take as well as the challenges that issues such as property zoning and limitations presented by mortgage and leasing laws. Chapter 3 is all about the sometimes-thorny (and emotive) issues of beds and bedrooms, as well as adjacent issues around closet space, household chores, and bathrooms.

Chapter 4 addresses preconceptions about polyamory and the ways they can impact polyamorous families. It also tackles problems in relationships and the ways these can spill over to impact the entire network, and the unique challenges that living in small spaces can present. Chapter 5 covers making your home your own, with tips on how to ensure that everyone feels welcome and at home in the shared family space. I found the insights around understanding how your family actually uses space to be particularly insightful. Chapter 6 is all about metamours, from scheduling conflicts to navigating privacy in shared spaces. It also covers managing jealousy when you all live together.

In chapter 7, Boyle delves into all things money. She discusses navigating finances as a polyamorous family, learning how to talk about money openly, and coming to agreements about non-essential spending. Chapter 8 is all about children and childrearing, including talking to your kids about polyamory and your nesting plans, understanding and dividing up parenting responsibilities, and the additional challenges that arise as children grow into teenagers and young adults. The parenting theme continues in chapter 9, which covers issues such as family planning and unplanned pregnancies in a polyamorous context as well as polyamorous situations where not all partners are parents.

Chapter 10 is about break-ups, denesting, and ending or de-escalating cohabiting relationships. And finally, chapter 11 continues the break-ups theme but switches the focus to breaking up or deescalating while coparenting.

You can either read the book cover to cover for a comprehensive overview of some of the many ways to navigate the practicalities of life while being non-monogamous (and an intriguing insight into the many ways other people do it), or you can dip in and out to the bits that are most pertinent to your current situation and needs.

Writing Style

Like her first book, Boyle’s writing style in Monogamy? In This Economy? is chatty, accessible, and non-judgemental. She validates common concerns and normalises problems that polyamorous families may face.

Monogamy? In This Economy? is not a blueprint or an instruction manual. Instead, it explores the various different options available to multi-adult households. Boyle doesn’t tell you what to do, but offers insights into some of the many potential solutions to common challenges.

All the way through, Boyle’s insights are peppered with real-life stories from some of her hundreds of interviewees. These bring the theory to life and show some of the real-world challenges, joys, and problem-solving that takes place in polyamorous families.

I found this book to be a fairly quick read, with mostly relatively short chapters. Plenty of subheadings break it up into bite-sized chunks. They also make it easy to find the exact information you’re looking for. Boyle covers a hell of a lot of ground in this relatively concise book. She also signposts to other resources where appropriate.

Verdict & Where to Buy

I’m so glad that this book exists! Whether you are living together with multiple partners or metamours already, considering doing so, or are just curious about some of the possible solutions that are available, this practical and accessible guide will help you to navigate the inevitable challenges.

Well-researched, pragmatic, and reassuring are some of the words that come to mind to describe Laura Boyle’s second book. I currently only nest with one partner and have no plans to change that, and I’m not having children, so you could say it isn’t really for me. However, it’s still given me a huge amount to think about.

Monogamy? In This Economy? will be released on 21 August 2024. Support my work at no additional cost to you by ordering from Bookshop using my links. You can also ask your local indie or LGBTQ+ bookstore to order it in for you.

Thanks to Laura Boyle and her publisher for sending me an advance review copy of Monogamy? In This Economy? All views are, as always, my own.

Header image for a post on the things people fear when opening up a relationship

Abandonment, Jealousy, and Other Common Fears When Opening Up a Relationship [Polyamory Conversation Cards #16]

Published on by Amy

Opening up a relationship that was previously monogamous is challenging and can be scary. Making the switch from monogamy to non-monogamy is more than just a change of relationship structure. It can be a fundamental paradigm shift in the way you view the world, view love, and relate to the other people in your life.

Of course that’s scary!

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it if non-monogamy is something you want.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“What fears or concerns do you have about your current or future relationships?”

Fear can be powerful. Fear can drive people to behave in all kinds of ways that do not align with their values, their desired outcomes, or the kinds of people they want to be. But fear, though very real, does not have to rule you.

In this post, we’ll look at some of the most common fears people have when they are opening up a relationship from monogamy to polyamory or non-monogamy. We’ll expose the realities behind the fears and explore some possible ways that you can reframe them.

“I’m afraid I will feel jealous.”

Sometimes you will.

Jealousy is a normal human emotion that we all feel from time to time. Those people who claim they’re immune? They are either full of shit or simply have not encountered a jealousy-inducing situation yet. You can no more be “immune to jealousy” than you can be “immune to sadness”. Some people feel jealous more often and more readily than others, but we are all capable of feeling it. Opening up a relationship does expose you to more potentially jealousy-inducing situations, though.

I don’t teach that jealousy should be avoided. Instead, I teach that jealousy shouldn’t be feared. When you fear or demonise jealousy, you create a powerful incentive to avoid it at all costs. This can prevent people from opening up a relationship at all, even if non-monogamy would generally suit them very well. It can also lead to people attemping to exert inappropriate control over their partners and metamours, creating all kinds of restrictive rules on other relationships, or exercising abusive practices such as veto.

Instead, I recommend getting comfortable with the fact that you will likely feel jealous sometimes. Then, instead of trying to prevent jealousy, you can create strategies that help you to cope with it when it arises.

“I’m afraid my partner will abandon me for someone else.”

This can happen in monogamy, too.

One of the hardest things to grapple with in any kind of relationship is the knowledge that your partner(s) can leave if they choose to. This includes the possibility that they could meet someone else and leave you for that person. In fact, the ability to leave – to opt out of a relationship at any time and for any reason – is one of the cornerstones of consensual relationships.

Some people believe that non-monogamy makes it more likely that their partner will leave them in favour of someone else. I do not believe this is true.

Here’s how I look at it: in a monogamous relationship, if my partner falls for someone else then they have a choice to make. They can have that new person or they can have me, but not both. In a polyamorous relationship, though, they can have both of us. (Well, unless the other person is monogamous or issues them with a binary them-or-me ultimatum… but if my partner is the kind of person who would give up polyamory for monogamy, or cave to an ultimatum, they’re not the kind of person I want to be with anyway.)

Of course, knowing that this is possible in any relationship structure and that the ability to leave is part of a consensual relationship doesn’t make it suck any less when someone does leave you. It still hurts like hell. But the risk of breakups is part of the deal when you open your heart to other humans. Opening up a relationship can increase this risk because, by definition, connecting with more people means more potential for breakups. Even so, I believe the rewards far outweigh the risks.

“I’m afraid my partner will like someone else more than me.”

This one comes in a lot of different guises, from “what if they’re kinkier than me?” to “what if he has a bigger dick than I do?”

Over and over, one consistent trait I’ve observed in the most successful non-monogamous people I know is this: they refuse to compare their partners. And I don’t just mean that they don’t voice those comparisons out loud. I mean that they fundamentally do not understand the act of comparing people they love to one another. The very idea of viewing relationships in that way is reprehensible to them.

I recommend doing everything to can to exorcise this way of thinking entirely. Do not compare your partners to one another and do not compare yourself to your metamours. This does not mean viewing everyone as the same or interchangeable, of course. Instead, cultivate an attitude of appreciating the things that are unique and special about each person and each relationship.

If it helps with the reframing, think about your friends. Chances are that you have different friends who you enjoy different activities or dynamics with. I have “dance all night in gay bars” friends, “get gin-drunk on the sofa and watch The L Word” friends, “drink tea and crochet” friends, “theatre buddy” friends, and more. Sometimes these things overlap, and sometimes they don’t. But I don’t value certain types of friendships more or less than others. I just enjoy each relationship for what it is. Romantic relationships can be exactly the same.

You deserve better than to be compared and ranked. If your partner is doing that, you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands.

“I’m afraid non-monogamy will change my relationship.”

It will. But so will lots of things.

Getting married, moving in together, moving house, having a baby, going through a bereavement, taking a new job or losing a job, making new friends, or getting involved in new hobbies can change relationships. But we do not typically avoid doing these things out of fear of change.

I wrote an entire (lengthy!) essay on this one and I recommend you go and read it. TL/DR version: opening up a relationship will change it, but change can be good. Communicate, know yourself, understand your bottom-lines and dealbreakers, and lead with trust.

“I’m afraid of losing control.”

Control is an illusion.

Monogamy often gives people a sense of control in a relationship. You know your partner won’t have sex with someone else, fall in love with someone else, leave you for someone else… right? Because they’re not allowed. Because the rules of monogamy protect you.

Except not really. Just look at the statistics around how many monogamous people cheat, have affairs, leave their partners for other people. The rules of monogamy are only as good as the people following them, and a lot of people simply don’t. Non-monogamy removes the illusion of protection those rules offer. But it doesn’t actually remove security or guarantees or control, because those things never existed in the first place.

Unless you were going to employ abusive tactics to keep your partner under your thumb then you never had control over your partner. This is a good thing. Adults should not have control over other adults (consensual, revokable and carefully-negotiated D/s notwithstanding.)

Non-monogamy simply challenges you to find security elsewhere rather than in the illusion of control or the always-breakable rules of monogamy.

“I’m afraid of STIs.”

I’m going to ask a difficult and blunt question: are you really, or are you using fear of STIs to mask an emotional reaction to your partner(s) being sexually intimate with other people?

STIs are a real concern when you’re having sex with other humans. We should not be blasé about sexual health. However, research indicates that consensually non-monogamous people are more likely to take precautions with their sexual health – such as barrier usage and regular testing – than the very high proportion of monogamous people who cheat. (Lehmiller, 2015.)

A lot of people unfortunately exaggerate their fears of STIs in order to control their partners. They hide behind sexual health to implement rigid rules or place limits on their partners’ interactions with others.

Whether you’re genuinely terrified of STIs or have realised this fear is masking a more emotional issue, here are five important things to remember as you navigate sexual health and non-monogamy:

  • Your sexual health is ultimately your responsibility. Understand your personal framework of acceptable risk, test regularly, use whatever barriers make you feel safe, and keep open lines of communication around sexual health with each of your partners.
  • Your partners also have a responsibility towards you and your sexual health. This includes testing regularly, being honest with you about their practices, informing you of any changes, and honouring any boundaries you put in place around your own body and sexual behaviours. It does not include limiting their interactions with other partners or capitulating to rules you attempt to place on their other connections.
  • With many of the common STIs, the stigma surrounding them is worse than the infection itself. Many STIs are either curable through a simple course of medication. Others can be managed to enable you to lead a full and normal life without passing the infection on. We should all take reasonable precautions to avoid contracting or passing on STIs, but we should also keep things in perspective. STIs are things that sometimes happen when humans come into intimate contact with other humans, just like the common cold or COVID-19. They’re not shameful and they’re not life-ruiners.
  • Barrier methods, such as condoms and dams, are still the most effective protection against STIs. You can also take other preventative precautions, such as getting the vaccines for human papillomavirus (HPV), hepatitis A and hepatitis B, and getting on PreP if you’re eligible. If you share sex toys, get educated on how to do so safely.
  • Having more sexual partners throughout your life does increase your lifetime risk for contracting an STI, but – assuming you’re sensible – probably not as much as you might think.

“I’m afraid no-one will want to date me.”

This one is really common, and I hear it from cis men more than any other demographic. Cis men partnered with women, in particular, fear that if they open up their relationship then their wives will be inundated with offers while they’re left on the proverbial shelf.

In non-monogamy as in monogamy, there are no guarantees. I can’t promise you will find a certain number of partners or find them in a specific timeframe. Sadly, a lot of factors can come into play here that you have little to no control over, from gendered dating dynamics to desirability politics. Opening up a relationship from monogamy does not guarantee that both partners will have equal dating options available to them.

However, there are also lots of things you can do to stack the odds in your favour. I’m planning to write an entire post on this subject soon, but in short:

  • Get on polyamory-friendly dating apps and write a compelling profile.
  • Get involved in your local polyamory community, joining online groups and attending meetups. Focus on making friends initially, and get to know everyone – not just people you find attractive. Finding dates will follow.
  • Consider getting involved in other groups and spaces where polyamorous people are known to hang out – kink communities, geeky pursuits such as D&D and boardgames, and ren faires are all known to attract plenty of polyam folks.
  • Work on yourself. Go to therapy, pursue your interests and passions, and invest in your relationships with your friends, existing partner(s), and others in your life.
  • Aim to date others who already identify as polyamorous/non-monogamous, not to convert monogamous people.
  • Keep an open mind about the types of people you connect with and the types of relationship structures you’re looking for.

Most importantly, give it time. Try to enjoy the process of dating, meeting people, and making connections rather than rushing towards a destination.

If you’re opening up a relationship or have previously opened up, what fears are/were you dealing with? Let me know if there are any big ones I’ve missed!

Header image featuring a broken pink heart on a string for a post about polyamory breakup tips

Polyamory Breakup Tips: How to Support Your Partner Through a Breakup with Someone Else [Polyamory Conversation Cards #15]

Published on by Amy

I have thought more about breakups in the last one hundred and four days at the time of writing (but who’s counting?) than I ever thought either possible or desirable. I’m not even close to ready to write about the particular and brutal ways that my own heart has been torn out this year, and I’m not sure when I will be, but at least I can use this experience to bring you some hopefully-useful polyamory breakup tips.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How can your partner(s) best support you when you’re facing challenges in your other relationships or have a broken heart?”

I’m not going to give you my best “how to get over a broken heart” tips, mostly because I don’t fucking know y’all, I wouldn’t still be crying five times a day if I knew that. So instead, we’ll look at another unique polyamory breakup problem: how to support your partner when someone else has broken their heart.

Ask What They Need

This is always my first tip when people ask me how to support their partner through a breakup or any other traumatic life event. People are different and need different things. Some people want lots of company and distraction when they’re heartbroken. Others prefer to be given plenty of their own space to turn inwards and process. So ask your partner what they need and what will be most helpful to them.

Of course, they may not know, and you need to make room for that. But even if they don’t know now, the simple act of asking shows that you care. It shows that you will be there for them as and when they do know what they need.

With that said, read on for some general tips that I’ve found tend to work well.

Take Care of the Practical Things

For the first four or five days after my most recent breakup, I could do almost nothing but lie on the sofa and cry. Mr C&K took care of practical things around our home, picking up the slack where I couldn’t and cooking for me so that I’d at least have a chance at eating something healthy.

Taking care of practical things can be a godsend for someone who is heartbroken. In the midst of grief, even small daily tasks can feel insurmountable. So feed them, take care of household chores, pick up the kids from school or walk the dog. By taking these things off their plate, you give them time and space to do the grieving they need to do.

Distract Them

Grief and heartbreak need to be processed. However, no-one can do this 24 hours a day until they feel better. Sometimes, it’s important just to get back out into the world and think about other things.

Providing distractions can be a great way to cheer someone up, pull them out of the fog, and show them that they’re still an awesome and complete human without the person who broke their heart. Take them out if they’re up for it. Watch fun movies or TV shows with them, play a game, do a project, or just talk about something else.

Let Them Feel Their Feelings

When someone you love is hurting, it can be tempting to want to make them feel better by any means necessary. This comes from a good place, but it can end up doing more harm than good. If you’re not careful, your partner may end up feeling pressured to hide their true feelings or to “get over it” more quickly than is realistic for them.

Hold space for their feelings. Do not diminish those feelings, try to “logic” your partner out of feeling them, or tell them that they shouldn’t feel a particular way. Instead validate, empathise, and let them know that whatever they feel is okay.

Don’t Expect it to be Quick or Easy

Breakups, particularly bad and traumatic breakups, are a form of grief. This pain does not, for most of us, pass quickly or easily. It can take weeks, months, or even years for someone to completely get over the ending of a relationship.

That’s not to say they’ll be totally non-functional for all that time. Most people won’t be. I went back to work a few days after my recent breakup, because I had to.

Sometimes, they might think they’re fine. They might even be fine for hours, days, weeks at a time. Then something will remind them of the breakup and they’ll be slammed by a wave of grief again. Be there for them when this happens. Be patient, and be prepared to reassure them that this experience is normal.

Resist the Temptation to Step Into the Ex Partner’s Place

When your partner is experiencing loss, it’s natural to want to fill that void. In a polyamorous situation, remaining partners often make the mistake of trying to step into the ex partner’s place or fill their shoes (either in a self-serving way, in an attempt to comfort the grieving partner, or both.)

Resist this temptation with all your might.

Nurture and grow your own relationship with your partner, and allow it to be what it is. This may or may not include changing some aspects of it in response to the breakup, either temporarily or permanently. But do not try to be or to replace someone else. It will backfire badly on both of you if you do.

Seek Support for Yourself, If You Need It

There are two important angles to consider here.

Firstly, caring for someone else – even (or especially) someone you love immensely – can be draining. It’s important to also take care of your own needs and seek support so that you don’t burn out.

The Circle of Grief can be useful here: support in, dump out. In other words, extend support to people who are closer to the current crisis than you (in this case, that’s your partner who got their heart broken.) Vent to, complain to, and seek support from people who are further away from it than you (in this case, that’s likely other friends or family, possibly other partners, and maybe a therapist.)

If you were practicing kitchen table polyamory or were otherwise close to your now ex-metamour, you might also be experiencing your own feelings of loss and grief. I’ve lost friendships and sexual relationships with metamours when one of us broke up with our mutual partner, and that loss is real and painful. If this sounds familiar, don’t forget to tend to yourself too.

Do you have any useful polyamory breakup tips for us? Any amazing ways your partner(s) have supported you when someone else broke your heart?

A couple walking along a beach. Title image for a post on exclusivity clauses in a non-exclusive relationship

Exclusivity Clauses in a Non-Exclusive Relationship [Polyamory Conversation Cards #14]

Published on by Amy

So you’re totally on board with this polyamory thing. Perhaps you and your partner have just recently opened up to polyamory, perhaps you’ve decided to give solo polyamory a go, or perhaps you’ve been practicing for a long time. Regardless of your circumstances, this situation might be familiar:

Your partner does a particular thing that they usually do with you – such as a sex act, a date activity, or a romantic gesture – with another partner (or lets you know that they want to.) Bam, you’re madly jealous! That’s your thing, damnit!

Now most people, at this stage, will do one of two things. They’ll try to work through the feelings, or they’ll attempt to prevent their partner from doing that thing with that person (or perhaps with anyone else.) Today we’re talking about the latter.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“Is there anything that you’d prefer to keep exclusive between you and a specific partner?”

So today we’re going to talk about exclusivity rules, or exclusivity clauses, in polyamorous relationship agreements.

What do we mean by exclusivity clauses in a polyamorous, open, or non-exclusive relationship?

First, let’s clarify what I don’t mean. This post is not about polyfidelity (also known as a closed polyamorous relationship in which a group, polycule, or romantic network of three or more people agree to keep their relationship configuration closed to the possibility of new relationships.) That’s a different dynamic entirely and not one I feel particularly qualified to comment on at the moment.

Instead, we’re talking about polyamorous relationships that allow for the people in them to date and form relationships with new people.

Polyamory is, by definition, a non-exclusive relationship. However, that doesn’t mean absolutely every aspect of the relationship is non-exclusive. An exclusivity clause, then, is an agreement in which certain aspects of a relationship are reserved for one dyad (or, more rarely, for one triad, quad, or other group relationship.)

Most often, I see exclusivity clauses in polyamorous relationships fall into one of four categories:

  • Life sharing/escalator exclusivity (e.g. “you can only live with me,” or “you can only have children with me.”)
  • Sexual exclusivity (e.g. “don’t have sex with anyone else in my favourite position” or “you’re only allowed to have unbarriered sex with me.”)
  • Romantic exclusivity (e.g. “don’t tell anyone else you love them” or “don’t call anyone else by my favourite pet name.”)
  • Activity exclusivity (e.g. “you can’t take vacations with anyone else” or “sushi is OUR thing.”

There is overlap, of course, and there may be exclusivity agreements I haven’t thought of that don’t fit into these categories. Overwhelmingly, though, these are the key patterns I have noticed.

Why do people want exclusivity around particular aspects of their relationships?

When people ask me what I think of certain aspects of their polyamorous relationship agreements, what I find myself wanting to ask most often is “why?”

Why do you have or want that agreement? Why have you made that rule? And why do you feel so strongly about that specific thing? The answers, when we ask ourselves and each other these questions and dare to be honest about our answers, can be incredibly illuminating.

So why do people want exclusivity agreements in a fundamentally non-exclusive relationship?

Most often, the reason that people want exclusivity clauses in their polyamorous relationship agreements have to do with jealousy, insecurity, and needing to feel special. These are all real, valid feelings that we all have from time to time. But is an exclusity clause the best way to address them? Maybe, sometimes. Often, probably not.

In many cases, it is better to address the root cause of the jealousy or insecurity. Living happily in any kind of non-exclusive relationship requires this of all of us at least occasionally. You might find that it’s not about the actual thing your partner wants to do at all. You might be worried about losing specialness in the relationship (more on that in a minute), about being replaced, or about your partner enjoying that activity with someone else more than they enjoy it with you.

In some cases, the desire for exclusivity clauses than come from a place other than jealousy or insecurity. For example, agreements around nesting exclusivity (“I live with this partner and we’ve agreed we don’t want to live with anyone else”) can help to create domestic safety and financial security for the partners as well as for children or other dependents.

They are sometimes also made necessary by choosing a certain style of polyamory. You can’t exactly live with multiple partners if you practice parallel polyamory, for example.

So before you go any further, get really honest with yourself and your partner(s). Why do you want exclusivity around that particular thing? What fear, emotion, unmet need, or relationship desire would that exclusivity meet?

Are exclusivity clauses ever ethically okay?

I’m going to give a cautious “yes, sometimes” to this one, with a lot of caveats.

As a general rule, I do not believe in restricting partners’ other relationships. However, I also don’t think it’s inherently wrong, toxic, or even hierarchical to carefully and with great consideration keep some things exclusive to a particular relationship.

Here’s a very quick litmus test you might want to use to determine if your exclusivity agreement is fair and reasonable or not:

  1. Is it narrow and specific, or broad and sweeping? (“Please don’t take other partners to the restaurant where you proposed to me” is different from “you can’t eat Italian food with anyone else.”) I’ll go into this in more detail below.
  2. Does the agreement place an undue hardship or limit on another relationship? (“Can this particular favourite vacation spot be a special place just for the two of us?” is unlikely to place such a hardship. “You’re not allowed to ever travel with anyone else” almost certainly does.)

In addition, consider whether exclusivity agreements are available to all your partners or just one. Ideally, you should be free to create special and unique things with all of your partners, not just a spouse, nesting partner, or “primary” (if you subscribe to hierarchy.)

Personally, I’m not necessarily opposed to creating limited and specific exclusivity clauses with partners around special and personal aspects of our relationships. But that possibility is available to anyone I’m in a relationship with, not just my nesting partner.

Exclusivity can be ethically given or negotiated, but not ethically demanded

If you and one (or more) of your partners decide to keep something exclusive between the two of you, I’m not going to tell you not to. However, it’s important that you come to these agreements mutually and from a place of equality. It is never okay to unilaterally place a rule or restriction on your partner(s) and metamour(s) without their input.

In other words, ask for what you want and need rather than making demands. You might find your partner is happy to give it to you, or you might find that you can negotiate and meet the same need in a different way.

Exclusivity might help less than you think it will

You feel bad when your partner does that thing with someone else. So you’ll simply forbid them from doing that thing with anyone else! Problem solved, right?

Well, maybe not.

This seemingly obvious and intuitive answer to this problem often helps people less than they think it will. That’s because, as we’ve already discussed, difficult feelings such as jealousy, insecurity, envy, competitiveness, and fear of inadequacy aren’t usually rational. They don’t usually stem from the things that might initially seem to be their causes. Instead, they come from much deeper places – from personal fears and demons, past trauma or negative experiences, mononormative societal programming, and more.

This all means that simply instituting an exclusivity clause around a specific act or activity may not help you all that much. Because that particular thing might not be pressing your emotional button any more, but the button is still there. This means that it is only a matter of time before something else pushes it. And – assuming you want to be ethically, healthily, and happily polyamorous – you cannot simply place new restrictions or exclusivity clauses every time something pushes an emotional button.

Your specialness comes from you, not acts or activities

I understand the worry that, if your partner does the same activities or sex acts or goes to the same restaurants with other partners, you will lose your specialness.

However, your specialness to your partner actually comes from you. It does not come from the things you do, and it certainly cannot be diminished or taken away by the things they might or might not do with someone else.

Think about something you love doing with your partner. Now imagine removing them from the situation and slotting someone else in instead. Does the activity feel the same with that other person? Of course it doesn’t. Because doing it with your partner is what makes it special.

Even if your partner goes to the same restaurants, does the same sex acts, and says the same loving words to both you and your metamour, the experience will be different with each of you. Because you are different people. There is something innately and beautifully empowering in realising that someone else cannot possibly be better than you at being you.

Finding special things that don’t restrict others

I understand the need and desire for a sense of specialness in a relationship. It’s a need I hold very strongly myself. That’s why I think it’s totally okay – and even desirable – to have special things in a relationship. Some of those things might be exclusive to a particular relationship, by accident or by design.

Relationships don’t need to all look the same in order to be egalitarian. In practice, it would be deeply strange to attempt to make all your relationships look the same. I might find it a bit weird, for example, if a partner started taking me to all the places that were special to them and another partner. And I’d find it exceptionally strange if Partner B began asking to do things they’d never previously shown an interest in just because I’d done those things with Partner A.

The trick is to find and carve out special things with each of your partners. In good relationships, these will naturally emerge over time. There might be a special nickname you call them or a particular place you go together. A series you save to watch together, or sex toys or kink gear you buy just for the two of you. Inside jokes, funny anecdotes, and so on. All of these form part of the identity of your relationship, and keeping them exclusive likely feels natural and normal, creating no hardship in any of your other relationships.

Keep it specific and limited

In general, I advocate keeping your “exclusive things”, if you have them, quite narrow and specific. Think more “this particular event is a thing we do together whenever we can,” not “you are forbidden to ever attend kink nights/music festivals/costume parties with anyone else.” More “baby is a nickname we call each other and won’t use with our other partners,” less “don’t tell anyone else you love them.”

The specificity of these “special things” is one of the most beautiful aspects of relationships, to me. Who cares if no-one else understands why we love that stupid TV show so much? Or if our friends don’t get why we crease up every time we hear that particular word or phrase? Or if our other partners think our mutual favourite food is gross? Those things are special because they are ours. Because we have co-created them together.

Once you start thinking about all the little things that make up the identity of a relationship, you start to realise how many unique and beautiful things you and each of your partners already has between you. Each of those things is a tile making up – if you’ll pardon a possibly trite metaphor – the wonderful and entirely unique mosaic of your connection.

Stay flexible

Relationship agreements in polyamory (and really, in any relationship but particularly a non-exclusive relationship) are living, breathing, changing things. Therefore, it is important that you stay flexible and open to change. You or your partner may feel fine about an exclusivity clause right now, but decide you want to change it later on. A new lover or metamour might have strong feelings about it that need to be taken into consideration. This is not to say that you must change it, of course, but you should be prepared to at least keep lines of negotiation open.

You might also find that, as time passes, you no longer need the exclusivity clause. Perhaps the thing that felt intolerable earlier on in your polyamory journey now feels far more comfortable, or at least acceptable. You might also choose to keep it long-term, and that’s fine too as long as you do so ethically and fairly. Hopefully, whatever you choose, you’ll naturally find all kinds of beautiful and unique wonderfulness in each of your connections.

Do you have any exclusivity clauses in your polyamorous, open, or non-exclusive relationship(s)? How do they work for you and how did you come to them?