New relationship energy, or NRE, is not unique to polyamory. Also known as the “honeymoon period”, NRE is that giddy and love-drunk feeling you get at the beginning of a new relationship. It might include heightened sexual desire, intense emotions, or a desire to spend all your time with the new person. Staying up late into the night texting? Bugging all your friends because you just cannot stop talking about your shiny new sweetie? You might be in NRE! NRE in polyamory can be one of the main benefits of this lovestyle, in that you can (at least theoretically) experience it many times in your life without needing to lose existing relationships in between new connections. However, it can also cause some problems.
NRE has a biological explanation and a real purpose in building relationships. Simply put, it is the result of a concoction of brain chemicals such as dopamine, vasopressin, and oxytocin, which activate the brain’s reward centre and make you crave more. NRE can help to build strong bonds in the early stages of a relationship, laying the foundations for a lasting connection.
How long does NRE last?
The short answer is “it depends.” NRE naturally fades over time. Ideally, this leads to a more comfortable and sustainable, but no less wonderful, long-term bond. Sometimes, though, the partners may find they have little in common or aren’t cut out for a long-term relationship once the NRE fades. The typical timeframe for NRE can be anything from six months to two years, but your experience may vary.
In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.
This week’s card asks:
“How can you best nurture your existing relationships when you’re captivated by a new, exciting connection?”
So it’s time to talk about NRE, the most common mistakes that NRE in polyamory can lead to, and how to avoid (or mitigate) them.
Neglecting Your Existing Relationship(s)
This one is first on the list because it’s the most common NRE mistake of all. If you already have an existing partner or partners, it can be so easy to inadvertently neglect them when you’re in the throes of NRE with a new person.
When you’ve been with someone for a long time, it is easy to make the mistake of taking them for granted. You assume they will always be there. But neglecting your partner(s) during NRE can cause serious damage to those relationships.
A partner who feels neglected is understandably likely to feel bitter, jealous, and resentful of the new relationship, and may find it harder to be supportive or excited for you. This can also cause issues between metamours, since the neglected partner may find it easier to deflect the blame onto the new sweetie for “stealing” their partner’s time and attention.
What to Do About It
Whenever you’re beginning a new relationship, and particularly if the new connection is heavy on NRE, make a point of giving your existing partner(s) plenty of attention.
Set aside time to spend with them. Take them on dates, learn their love languages, and give them gestures that will be meaningful to them. Check in with them regularly to see how they’re feeling and ensure their needs are being met. Keep up with your half of any shared responsibilities, such as household chores or childcare. Perhaps most importantly, ensure that you’re not texting your new partner or talking about them constantly when you’re supposed to be spending time with your existing partner.
Leaving Your Long Term Partner(s) for the New Shiny
This is the less common but more extreme version of the above. Even in polyamory, some people will mistake “I’m in NRE” for “this person is my one and only soulmate” and break up with their existing partner(s) to marry, move in with, spend all their time with, or even become monogamous with the new person.
I’ve seen relationships and marriages of decades end for this reason. It’s uniquely painful to be dumped for someone else, particularly when your partner says or implies that it’s because the new person is “more exciting” than you.
What to Do About It
I’m not going to tell you “never end an existing relationship while you’re in NRE with a new person.” Some relationships need to end, and it’s always okay to walk away from something that is hurting you. But I will advise you to be extremely careful about doing so. In particular, never leave an existing relationship because of a new one.
It can be tempting to walk away from the comfort, safety, and relatively low excitement of a long-term relationship for the fireworks and butterflies of a new one. But here’s the thing: those aspects of a relationship don’t last forever. Think back to the early days of your relationship with your long-term partner. Chances are that it, too, was intense and passionate in the beginning. NRE is never permanent, and it’s not worth throwing away a wonderful relationship for.
The new person is more exciting because they’re new. They won’t be new forever, and then what? You’ll be right back where you started and looking for your next NRE fix. This is why, perhaps counterintuitively, people who behave like NRE addicts tend to be pretty bad at polyamory.
Making Life-Altering Decisions During NRE
Relationships can be life-changing, in both good and bad ways. But one of the biggest mistakes people make during NRE is to make big, irreversible, life-altering decisions such as moving, getting married, or having children.
Of course, you’ll hear stories about people who did this and it worked out wonderfully. (I moved in with my nesting partner after less than a year. It worked out great for us. Does that mean I recommend it in general? No.) But you’ll also hear a lot of stories about people who did it and ended up suffering the emotional, legal, financial, and logistical ramifications for far longer than the relationship lasted.
What to Do About It
I believe it was Cunning Minx of the long-running but now dearly departed Polyamory Weekly podcast who said something like “never pack anything bigger than a suitcase during NRE.” And this is great advice. I would extend it to, simply, “never make life-altering decisions that you can’t walk back during NRE.”
So along with not dumping your existing partner for the new person (see above), don’t pack up your life and move across the country or the world. Don’t quit your job. Don’t have a child together. Maybe put off those matching tattoos. (I did get matching piercings with an ex. They lasted longer than the relationship. Would not recommend.)
And look, I’m saying this as a sapphic. So-called “U-hauling” is kind of our thing – we’re famous for it! But seriously, if you want to do all these things with your new partner, the opportunity will still be there in a few months or a couple of years. And if the relationship isn’t meant to last? You’ll be really glad you didn’t.
Compromising Your Boundaries and Values
When you’re really in love (or limerance) with a new person, it can be tempting to do or say anything to make the relationship work. This can lead to compromising on your own wants, needs, boundaries, and values. You might sign up for dynamics that will make you miserable, agree to rules you don’t actually want to follow, transform your appearance or personality, or minimise aspects of yourself to make the other person more comfortable. At the extreme end of the spectrum, it can even lead to overlooking abusive behaviours or red flags for abuse.
Every time I have violated my own boundaries and values for a relationship, I have regretted it. Every time I have been a Crane Wife, I have felt like I was cutting out a piece of my soul.
What to Do About It
It can be good to be flexible on what you’re looking for in a relationship. After all, love and connection can come in unexpected guises. But it’s also good to get super clear on your bottom lines, non-negotiables, and dealbreakers. If you ever catch yourself saying “I know I said I couldn’t be with someone who… but…”, pay attention to that. Are you being flexible to enable a good connection to bloom, or are you compromising on something you really shouldn’t compromise on?
It’s also smart to listen to the people closest to you, such as your existing partner(s) if you have them and your close friends. If they’ve commented that you don’t seem like yourself, or that you seem to be living out of alignment with your stated desires and values, that’s something to pay attention to.
Relationships can and do change us. They can teach us things and broaden our horizons. But a good relationship enables you to be more fully yourself, not less so.
Managing NRE in Polyamory: Additional Resources
- 5 Signs Your New Relationship Energy is Actually Unhealthy by Kelsey Borresen
- Limerance vs. NRE in Polyamory & Tips for Managing Their Impact on Polyamory UK
- Coping with NRE by Laura Boyle
- The “NRE” tag at the Multiamory Podcast
- Why I Like Old Relationship Energy More Than New Relationship Energy by Paige at Poly.Land