What is Extreme Chastity and How Can You Explore It Safely?

Chastity kink is a lot more popular than you might think. Though we most commonly hear about “male chastity” (a bit of a misnomer, since not everyone with a penis is a man), this kink is common amongst kinksters of all genders and can be practiced by people with all genital configurations. But what if you’ve been experimenting with chastity for a while and you’re looking for something a bit more intense? That’s when you might start looking into more extreme chastity play activities.

First, What is Chastity?

In short, chastity is all about restricting someone’s ability to feel sexual pleasure and/or to reach orgasm for the purposes of fun, arousal, and kink. Chastity can be mental (i.e. “I don’t touch myself or orgasm because my Dominant has instructed me not to”,) but it can also involve physical restriction of the cock or vulva/clitoris through the use of a device such as a chastity belt or chastity cage.

People enjoy chastity kink for all kinds of reasons. It can make them feel more submissive, it can feed into a humiliation kink, it can be connected to cuckolding, or it can simply lead to a more intense orgasm when release is finally permitted.

So What is Extreme Chastity?

Sex and kink are inherently subjective. This means that your definition of “extreme” will not be the same as someone else’s, and that’s okay! Ultimately, “extreme chastity” is whatever it means to you. There is no competition in kink and you do not have to live up to anyone else’s ideal of the right way to do things or the right level of intensity to strive for.

In general, when we refer to extreme chastity, we are referring to anything that pushes at your edges and challenges you more than what you have been doing so far. Sound interesting? Let’s look at a few ways you might want to explore it.

Experiment with Longer Lock-Ups

Whether you’re doing mental or physical chastity (or a combination of both), one way to up the ante is to go for longer periods of time between orgasms. If you’ve done a day, try a weekend. If a weekend feels easy, try a week. Once a week feels doable, why not extent to two weeks, a month, or even longer?

Long-term chastity isn’t for everyone, and it’s fine if you only enjoy short lock-ups or periods of denial. But if you find yourself craving more, simply extending your chastity is one great way to do that.

If you’re wearing a chastity device, it’s important to be aware of the safety implications of wearing one for long periods of time. Dan Savage did a great article on this subject, with insights from a urologist on the risks and ways to keep yourself safe.

Add a Little Pain

Not all submissives enjoy pain play. If you do, though, adding pain to your chastity play can be a hot way to take things to the next level. This might include activities like impact play to the genitals, electrostimulation (for example, using a violet or neon wand), urethral sounding, or hot wax play.

If you’re going to do any of these activities, it’s important to get proper tuition and learn how to do them safely. Like all BDSM activities, they carry some inherent risk and applying pain to the genitals is riskier than other areas (such as the upper back or butt.) Most importantly, go slowly and stop if anything doesn’t feel right.

Many people find that they can take more pain when they are very horny. So you might find that, the longer you are in chastity, the more your pain tolerance rises.

Try a Different Type of Cage

Some chastity cages are designed to increase the intensity and extremity of your play. They can have features built in such as sounds, spikes, or electrostim capabilities to add additional pain or pleasure. If you’re used to wearing a device, experimenting with a more extreme chastity cage or device can be a good way to try out something a little more intense to see if you enjoy it.

Play with Ruined Orgasms

When most people think of chastity, they think of a lack of sexual pleasure and orgasm. But ruined orgasms are also very popular amongst chastity kinksters. To give someone a ruined orgasm, you bring them to the point of climax and then stop all stimulation just as they tip over the edge. You can also do it to yourself, of course, though this requires a level of discipline and self-control that not everyone has.

People experience ruined orgasms differently. Some find that they bring some relief from arousal, while others find they make it worse. For some people, they are even painful. To some submissives they are a reward, while to others they are a punishment. The only way to know what’s true for you is to try it out.

Consider Cuckolding

Cockolding is a separate kink and not inherently connected to chastity, though the two often go together. In a nutshell, cuckolding is enjoying watching your partner have sex with another person (or hearing about their adventures after they’ve had sex with someone else.) Many people use it in conjuction with chastity to add an element of humiliation, emotional masochism, voyeurism and exhibition, or other related kinks to their play.

This kink is not to be taken lightly and I could easily write an entire piece on how to explore it. It’s a form of consensual non-monogamy, which isn’t for everyone. It can bring up surprisingly intense emotions in reality even if you’re totally into the fantasy. If you do decide to explore it – especically if you’ve been monogamous until now – then go very slowly, communicate at every stage, and be prepared for intense and unexpected feelings to arise.

How do you increase the intensity of your chastity play?

Thanks to Lock the Cock for sponsoring this post. All writing and views are, as always, mine!

How to Keep Long Term Chastity Play Fun and Exciting

Long term chastity play is an incredibly common sexual fantasy and, for some, a kinky reality. Chastity, in a BDSM context, refers to locking the genitals away in a device such as a cock cage or chastity belt in order to prevent stimulation, orgasm, or even erection.

People are into chastity for all kinds of reasons. Some enjoy the stronger eventual orgasm that a build-up of sexual tension and arousal brings about. Others enjoy chastity as part of a power dynamic or D/s relationship. Some find a sense of satisfaction from the physical and mental challenge. All of these reasons, and so many more, are equally wonderful and valid.

What constitutes “long term chastity” is a highly personal question. Some people stay locked up for weeks or months at a time (be aware of the safety implications if you go down this route!) For others, hours to days is their happy place. The only correct length of time is what works best for you and your partner(s.)

One mistake that new chastity players often make is to treat this kink as “set and forget.” But it’s not (usually) enough to simply lock yourself or your submissive in a chastity device. That’s a recipe for boredom and a lacklustre experience at best, and feelings of neglect or resentment at worst. Whether you’re going for a week, a month, or a year, here are four fun ways to keep your long term chastity play fun and exciting.

Do Edging and Denial Scenes

One of the most fun aspects of wearing a chastity device is how sensitive the genitals are when it comes off. You can use this to your advantage by incorporating edging and denial sessions into your chastity play.

Edging just means taking yourself or your partner almost to the point of orgasm, and then stopping. You can do this once, or many times. An extended edging session followed by being locked back into a cock cage or chastity belt can be exquisitely torturous for a chastity submissive.

Depending on your mindset, edging can be its own reward… or its own punishment. Some submissives love it, and others hate it.

Incorporate Other Types of Kinky Play

One of the wonderful things about chastity is that it pairs so well with many different kinds of kinky play. Almost any other activities you can think of can be combined with chastity to create a fun and sexy scene.

If you’re into impact play, for example, you can spank or flog your submissive while they are wearing their chastity device. Some submissives enjoy teasing or humiliation about (for example) how aroused they are getting from the pain, their inability to get hard in their chastity cage, or the fact that the impact play is the only stimulation they will get.

Long term chastity also makes every part of the body more sensitive. This means that even gentle sensations can feel more intense than usual. Sensation play, from stroking with feathers or soft fabric up to playing with scratchers or pinwheels, can be amazing here.

Rope and other forms of restraint can be used to enhance all kinds of chastity-based scenes, from edging to impact play. They can also be a scene in and of themselves.

Use Sex Toys

Even if you are doing a form of chastity play that does not allow for direct stimulation of the genitals, there are still lots of ways you can use sex toys to enhance your play. For example, if your submissive enjoys anal play, having them wear a butt plug can be a fun way to remind them of their arousal all day long.

If you’re doing edging and denial scenes as part of your chastity play, sex toys can be a great addition. Why not allow your submissive to “earn” minutes with their favourite sex toy in exchange for tasks, favours, or good behaviour?

Finally, if you’re an exhibitionistically-inclined dominant, masturbating with toys in front of your submissive while they’re locked up is a delicious tease.

Involve Other People

If your relationship allows for it, involving other people in your play can bring a new kind of excitement and add an extra edge (pun entirely intended) to your chastity kink.

There are numerous different ways to do this. If you’re part of the kink community or have kinky friends, you could approach a friend to do a “double-domming” scene with you. Another way to realise this fantasy is to work with a professional Dominant, or Pro Dom/Domme. Serving two Dominants is a fantasy for many kinky submissives.

If you enjoy exhibitionism or voyeurism, why not go to a kink club and play in the semi-public space it affords? This might include doing a scene in front of other people, or simply having your chastity device on show in the space. There may be the opportunity to play with other people if you want to, but there should be no expectations.

Some people enjoy combining chastity with cuckolding or cuckqueaning. This involves the dominant partner having sex or playing with others while their submissive watches. It might include the enjoyment of feeling “left out” or the eroticising of normally negative emotions such as jealousy. It can also simply be about enjoying a sexy show, feeling horny, and then not getting release. Cuckolding and cuckqueaning can be very emotionally intense. Negotiate thoroughly beforehand and plan to give each other plenty of aftercare and reassurance.

Don’t forget about the potential for involving others online, too. This might include engaging with others on chastity forums or accepting “tasks” from fellow players online. Some online sex workers and Pro Doms/Dommes even offer online-only scenes through text, audio chat, or video call.

One thing you should not do is involve others in your kinky scenes without their explicit consent. This includes doing anything in public that is obvious or where you could reasonably get caught. It also includes making others (including members of the public, serving staff, and your friends or family) uncomfortable. Consent always comes first.

Today’s post was sponsored by Total Chastity. They manufacture and sell high quality chastity devices, toys, and accessories, which you can check out through the links included! All views and writing are, as always, entirely my own.

How to Make Sex Toy Use More Kinky

Given that I’ve somehow built an entire career out of talking about them (I know, it’s still totally bonkers to me too!) it will come as no surprise that I love both sex toys and kink a whole bunch. But what about all the fun ways you can combine them?

Using sex toys isn’t necessarily a kinky activity in itself though, as with anything else, what makes an activity “kinky” is mostly in your mindset around it anyway. Someone’s vanilla is someone else’s edge play. One person’s hardcore BDSM is another person’s average Friday night.

Whether you’re a kinkster who loves using toys or a toy aficionado who wants to bring a little more kink into your bedroom, why not try some of these fun strategies to kink up your sex toy use?

Play Edging and Denial Games

The reason most people use sex toys? Because toys make them cum. Often because toys make them cum faster, harder, or more easily than other types of stimulation. But what if – like me – you kinda get off on not getting off? Well, sex toys are amazing for edging and orgasm denial games.

You can do this with a partner or by yourself. Simply use your favourite vibrator or masturbator (or have your partner use it on you), get close to orgasm, and then… stop.

From here, you have a few options. You can edge as many times as you like and then cum. You can edge as many times as you like and then not cum, allowing that delicious sexual tension and frustration to build. Or you can ruin your orgasm by removing stimulation the second you tip over the edge. Many sexual masochists find ruined orgasms exquisitely painful.

Toys and Bondage

Do you like getting a little tied up or tying your partner up? Sex toys can be a super fun addition to your bondage play. This can range from something as simple as immobilising your partner and using toys on them until they cum (or don’t – see above), to complex predicament ties or rope harnesses designed to hold sex toys in place. I find this type of play pairs particularly well with forced orgasms – more on that in a minute.

You can even play with toys and bondage by yourself. Self-bondage or solo bondage is very popular and you can find tutorials online to help you learn how to do it.

Always follow safety protocols: keep a cutting tool for rope or the keys for any locking restraints within reach, keep your phone within reach in case you need to call for help should something go wrong, and never put rope or restraints around your or your partner’s neck. (Not so fun fact: the overwhelming majority of kink-related deaths are attributed to breath restriction, and autoerotic asphyxiation in particular. Please just don’t go there.)

Forced Orgasm

A forced orgasm is when a consenting person is “made” to cum in a way that may be beyond their physical control. It can work particularly well for those who are multi-orgasmic or for those who find continued stimulation after the point of orgasm painful or uncomfortable in an enjoyable way.

For some people, the kink lies in trying to resist the climax until their body succumbs to the sensation. For others, the hot part is being made to cum repeatedly until they physically (or psychologically) cannot any longer.

Toys are great for forced orgasm play because they can create sensations more intense and overwhelming than bodies can typically produce by themselves. I find that wand vibrators are particularly perfect for forced orgasms because they’re just so intensely and overwhelmingly powerful. They also work equally well on both penises and vulvas.

Toys as Rewards for Your Submissive

If you’re in a Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship or playing with some kind of power dynamic in the bedroom or in your relationship, you may want to incorporate rules, rewards, and punishments in some way. Favourite sex toys can be a great motivator in this type of relationship.

For example, time with a favourite sex toy can be a great reward for an obedient submissive. On the other hand, refusing them permission to masturbate or use toys can be an effective punishment. Remember to negotiate thoroughly in advance to make sure you’re both happy with the rules, rewards, and punishments you agree on.

Play with Threesome or Group Sex Fantasies

Threesomes, foursomes, orgies, and other group sex configurations are tremendously popular fantasies that strike a chord with many people. In fact, according to some sources, having a threesome is the most popular sexual fantasy for people of all genders!

Actually having group sex is certainly possible, and it’s something I personally enjoy very much. However, there are many considerations to take into account if you’ve never done it before: jealousy and insecurities, navigating multiple people’s boundaries, and the ways in which your relationship may change are just some of them.

If you’re not ready to go there for real, or prefer to keep it in the realm of fantasy, then you can use a sex toy to simulate your group sex desires without the emotional or relational risk. Realistic dildos, sex dolls, and lifelike pussy-style strokers are ideal for this type of fantasy.

…And Get Creative!

What about you, folks? Any creative or unique ideas on how to get kinky with your favourite sex toys? As with anything in the sex realm, you’re limited only by creativity, consent, and your imaginations. So play, explore, don’t be afraid to try things out, and have fun with it.

This post was kindly sponsored by BestVibe, and my readers can enjoy 20% off all products in their store by using code “coffee” at checkout! All writing and views are, as always, mine.

What is a Female-Led Relationship? FLR 101

Unfortunately, even in 2022, inequality in heterosexual relationships is widely socially accepted and sometimes even expected. 

For example, one UK study recently showed that the average woman in a hetero partnership does 20 hours of housework per week, while her male partner does just 11.5 hours. It is still assumed that when a straight couple has children, the woman will be the one to take time off work to raise and care for them. And then there’s issues such as the persistent gender pay gap, the orgasm gap, and unequal distribution of emotional labour. 

Most of us would agree that eliminating inequality and creating more equal and balanced relationships is a good thing. But for some people, a consensual and negotiated imbalance of power is actually what they want in their relationships. This type of dynamic is often called a Dominant/submissive, or D/s, relationship.

Today we’re taking a close look at one such type of dynamic: female-led relationships, or FLR. 

What Exactly is FLR? 

In general, the term female-lead relationship (FLR) is used to refer to a heterosexual (or hetero-read, because some people in FLRs may be bisexual or pansexual) relationship in which the woman is in charge. 

The level of control in an FLR can vary drastically, depending on what the people involved want. It might be as simple as the woman taking charge of the majority of day-to-day decision-making within the relationship, or as complex as intricate systems of rules with consequences, rewards, and punishments built in. The term FLR is usually applied when the D/s aspect of the relationship extends beyond the bedroom, though this isn’t an absolute rule.  

Some people view FLR as simply “role reversal”, but it’s not quite that simple. A female-led relationship isn’t about reversing gender inequality and placing a man into the role that women have historically been forced to occupy. Instead, it is about consensual and negotiated inequality that exists for the enjoyment and fulfilment of both parties. The cornerstone of FLR and any other form of D/s is that it is consensual and that either partner may withdraw that consent at any time. 

Why Does FLR Strike a Chord with So Many?

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” So goes the possibly-apocryphal saying attributed to Oscar Wilde. 

D/s relationships of all kinds may strike a chord with people because power and sexuality are so inextricably bound up together. This can mean that playing with power and power imbalances in a consensual context can be incredibly sexy. 

There are numerous other reasons why someone might enjoy an FLR dynamic, and the only way to know what is true for any individual is to ask them. For some men who submit to their female partners, it’s about having a break from the responsibilities they have in their day to day lives (many men who are submissive at home have high-flying, high-pressure jobs.) 

Some men also find that taking on a submissive role frees them from the expectations and constraints of toxic masculinity. Submitting allows them to be vulnerable, to stop fearing appearing “weak”, and to be taken care of. 

For dominant women, some enjoy the feeling of power and strength that comes from taking on a dominant role. It can be highly erotically charged to have someone do exactly as you tell them, in or out of the bedroom. 

Many dominant women also find that their submissive partners are more attentive to their needs, increasing their sexual and romantic satisfaction in the relationship. Being dominant can also involve taking care of your partner, and some women enjoy bringing a nurturing side to their dominance. 

The more interesting question is always “why does FLR strike a chord with you?” If you can answer this question, you’ll have the best chance of building the relationship that works for you and your partner. 

FLR and Chastity: What’s the Connection? 

Many, though not all, female-led relationships include an element of chastity play. Chastity refers to restricting someone’s ability to experience sexual pleasure or reach orgasm. It often involves the use of a chastity cage or chastity device, which physically prevents the wearer from masturbating, having sex, and sometimes even getting an erection. 

People in FLRs practice chastity in many different ways. Some do it occasionally as a form of foreplay, increasing desire and ramping up the tension before sex or a play session. Others lock their partners up long term, anything from days to weeks or months at a time. Chastity play may also include periods of tease and denial or edging – bringing someone close to orgasm without letting them go over the edge. 

Chastity play can be hot for so many reasons. Most obviously, not allowing release for a period of time increases arousal and allows desire to build and build with nowhere to go. It can also make the eventual orgasm so much more intense. Handing someone else control of your sexual pleasure is, for some people, the ultimate act of submission. 

Don’t forget to play safe if you’re doing chastity, particularly long-term chastity. Dan Savage spoke to a certified urologist in this article, who offered some thoughts on the potential risks and some of the ways to mitigate them. 

You must assess your own level of acceptable risk. Either way, it’s probably smart to take off your device and give your cock a break once in a while. You should also ensure that the wearer always has a spare key in case of emergencies. You can also read more about chastity safety and hygiene here

What Makes a Successful FLR?

Ultimately, an FLR is still a relationship. This means that all the ingredients that go into making any relationship work still apply here. Trust, communication, and compassion must be front and centre at all times. 

Taking on a dominant role in a relationship is a position of great responsibility. This means that you need a lot of trust, and that this trust must go both ways. The submissive man needs to know that his partner will respect his limits, honour his vulnerabilities, and act in his best interests. And the dominant woman needs to trust that her partner will be honest about his needs and boundaries, speak up if something is wrong, and see her as a full human being and not merely a fetish fulfillment device. 

Even if you are living in an FLR full-time, it is vital to be able to step out of role and communicate with one another as equals when required. I always recommend setting aside time for a regular check-in in any D/s relationship. This gives you time to address any issues and ensures that problems won’t be left to fester. You can also agree on a specific safeword which means “I need to talk to you as equals right now.” 

Compassion means treating each other with kindness, consideration, and empathy. Even in a D/s relationship, life is still life and you will both have good days and bad days. While FLR can be a central component of your relationship, it should never override seeing one another as partners first and foremost. 

How Can I Find a Partner for a FLR? 

Glance at any BDSM forum or discussion space, and you’ll find complaints that submissive men enormously outnumber dominant women. I don’t know whether this is actually true, as there aren’t any reliable statistics on this as far as I know. 

What I do know is that there are likely far more kinky people out there than you think, and that there are things you can do to improve your chances of finding the Domme of your dreams as a single submissive man. All of these guidelines also apply if you’re a dominant woman seeking a submissive, too. 

First, getting involved in your local BDSM community is the best way to meet other people who might be interested in this kind of lifestyle. Complete your Fetlife profile, attend some munches and play events, and get to know people. The trick here is to treat everyone as a potential friend, not a potential partner. You’ll build a positive reputation, start getting invited to more events and parties, and the rest will follow. 

Next, be yourself. There’s no point putting on an act that represents what you think a dominant or submissive person is “supposed” to be. You want to end up in a relationship with someone who loves you for who you are, not who you pretend to be. 

Approach any potential FLR relationship as a relationship first. Compatible kinks and desires are important, but they’re not enough to sustain a relationship by themselves. You’ll also need to enjoy each other’s company, respect each other, have fun together, and have compatible long-term goals. 

Finally, be patient. It can take a while to find the right person, but when you do, the rewards can be tremendous. 

I’d like to thank today’s sponsor, LockTheCock, for their kind support of this post. Check out their wide range of chastity cages and accessories on their website! All views and writing are, as always, my own. 

Kink Product Review: Oxy Bellatrix Chastity Belt

Readers are always asking me for recommendations for chastity belts for people with vulvas (often referred to as female chastity belts.) Something about this kink – being locked up, unable to touch yourself, unable to be penetrated – seems to strike a chord with a lot of people. Perhaps it’s because the idea of giving someone else control over your sexual pleasure and release feels like the ultimate act of submission.

I’ve always been a bit stuck for what to recommend. Cheaper belts tend to not have the desired effect of preventing or inhibiting stimulation. More effective ones tend to be eye-wateringly expensive, easily running to hundreds of dollars. Until now, I haven’t been able to find one that sits at the intersection of effective and relatively affordable.

That’s why, when Oxy (an online kink store with an extensive range) got in touch and invited me to review for them, I jumped at the chance to get my hands on this product.

Bellatrix Chastity Belt

The Bellatrix Chastity Belt is made of stainless steel with silicone surrounds for comfort. The silicone is available in black, white, pink, or blue. I opted for simple, elegant black for mine. It comes with two mini padlocks, each with spare keys, and some spare screws.

Oxy Bellatrix female chastity belt

My belt arrived promptly, discreetly packaged in a plain brown parcel. Due to the shape, the belt comes packaged in two separate main pieces, with bubble wrap packaging protecting it. This means you need to put it together. This can take a few minutes to figure out, but it’s fairly self-explanatory (I found that looking at the picture of the whole piece on the website helped.) Some of the screws are quite small and fiddly, so set up your belt in a space with good lighting and be patient.

All belts are made to order in your size and choice of colour. The lead time is 10-15 days, so plan ahead for this one. You can also use this belt with fitted vaginal and anal plugs, if you wish (sold separately.)

Fit, Comfort and Care

My Bellatrix Chastity Belt runs true to size and they’re also quite adjustable. So don’t worry if you gain or lose some weight. Though they’re made to your sizing specifications, there’s always multiple settings so you can tighten or loosen it if you need to.

It’s also more comfortable than I really expected it to be. It sits comfortably around the waist, and the silicone stops the stainless steel from digging into your skin while you’re wearing it. You can wear it directly against your body, or over an item of clothing such as underwear or skin-hugging trousers if you prefer. The plate that sits directly over the vulva has lots of small airholes in it, allowing your body to breathe and helping to prevent overheating.

The Bellatrix Chastity Belt is made of body-safe and non-porous materials which are easy to clean. Wash your belt between wears with warm soapy water, dry it off as well as you can, and then leave it to dry completely. You can also give it a quick interim clean with a body-safe sterile wipe.

Does It Work?

I’ve tried cheaper chastity devices and those made of softer materials, such as leather, in the past. Though sexy as part of a fantasy, none of them were really effective insofar as actually preventing the wearer from touching themselves.

In this regard, the Bellatrix Chastity Belt absolutely delivers. Once it’s properly fitted, the wearer has no way to reach their vagina and clitoris. So yes, it works beautifully.

Is it Suitable for Long-Term Wear?

For many people, the fantasy of a chastity belt is that their partner locks them in and simply leaves them in it for days, weeks… or even months or years. While this is hot in theory, it’s really not practical in reality.

Though it’s theoretically possible for people with penises, it’s possibly risky long term (particularly if you’re regularly wearing the device overnight.) And for people with vulvas, I’m just not at all sure it’s physically possible. Long-term wear of even the most comfortable and well-fitted chastity belt is likely to cause rubbing and chafing after a while. Having stainless steel and silicone around your bits for too long can cause excess sweating and the trapping of bacteria, which could lead to infections such as thrush, yeast infections, and bacterial vaginosis (BV.) As Male Chastity Journal says, “any attempt to block the vagina also blocks its ability to keep itself clean.”

Oxy Bellatrix female chastity belt

Full chastity belts can also inhibit your ability to wipe or wash properly after going to the bathroom. So if you’re going to wear it long term, you’ll need to be fastidious about hygiene and probably remove it completely at least once a day to wash yourself and the belt.

Honestly, I think true permanent or very-long-term chastity is in the realm of “doesn’t work in reality.” So no, this belt isn’t truly suitable for long-term continuous wear, but I don’t believe there’s a device in existence that is. That’s no shade to the product (which is excellent) at all. That’s just physiology.

But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a hell of a lot of fun with the fantasy! In my experience, kink is really not about what is literally true or possible. It’s about playing with ideas, with dynamics, with emotions and desires and the hidden parts of ourselves. Toys and accessories are tools we use to help ourselves get into those mindsets and bring those fantasies to life. Our minds and bodies have to do the rest of the work.

A Few Fun Ways to Play with a Chastity Belt

Curious about chastity play but not sure where to start? I thought it would be fun to include a few ideas to get you started. As always, take what works for you, modify as you like, and leave the rest!

Oxy Bellatrix female chastity belt

  • If you go to kink events such as play parties, wearing or having your submissive partner wear a chastity belt at one of these events can add a hot semi-public aspect to your play.
  • Have your partner wear the belt and then tease them by touching every other erogenous part of their body. How long will it be before they beg you to unlock them?
  • If you’re playing solo, wear the belt and then do everything you can to turn yourself on. See how long you can stand it before you just have to take it off and touch yourself.
  • Ahead of a date, have the submissive partner wear the belt. The dominant partner can then text them all kinds of sexy thoughts to turn them on.

A quick note on safety: if you’re going to play with this belt when the wearer and keyholder aren’t physically together, always make sure the wearer has a spare key for emergencies.

Verdict

Sexy and huge fun! I’m really impressed with this belt. It’s well made with body-safe materials, does the job well, and is comfortable to wear. Top marks all around.

The Bellatrix Chastity Belt retails for $130 (that’s just under £110). This is honestly a very competitive price point for a stainless steel belt that is custom made for your measurements.

Thanks to Oxy for sending me this item to review. All opinions and experiences are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this post. If you make a purchase from Oxy with them, I make a small commission at no extra cost to you.

[Kink Product Review] Dominix Deluxe Lockable Chastity Belt

Update 04/03/22: this product has been discontinued.

If you’ve been reading my blog for more than five minutes, you probably know that I have an orgasm control kink a mile wide. This manifests in lots of ways – edging, denial, forced orgasms occasionally and, yes, chastity.

Chastity belts for folks with vulvas (often called “female chastity belts”, but let’s not gender things unnecessarily!) are tricky to get right. They’re either wildly impractical, wildly expensive, or often both. Unlike the cock cages for penis owners that you can buy from almost any sex shop, they’re considered far more niche kink items.

Lovehoney were kind enough to send me the Dominix Deluxe Studded Leather Lockable Chastity Belt (to give it its full title) for review. How did I get on?

A Closer Look at the Dominix Lockable Chastity Belt

The Dominix Lockable Chastity Belt is made of real leather. I’ve spoken before about my uneasy relationship with leather – my kink brain loves it, but my ethical vegetarian brain feels conflicted. You must make your own decisions about how comfortable you feel buying, wearing, and using leather kink gear.

Lovehoney Dominix Lockable Chastity Belt

The Lockable Chastity Belt has a wider panel at the front, which covers most of the vulva, and then thinner straps between the legs and around the back. It is decorated with metal studs on the front, and features three metal buckles, each with a mini padlock. Each padlock comes with two keys. As far as we can tell, the padlocks and keys are interchangeable.

How Comfortable Is It?

The Dominix Lockable Chastity Belt is fairly comfortable once it’s been worn in. The leather is a little stiff at first but it softens up as you wear and handle it. I found that wearing it around the house over my clothing helped to speed up the leather softening.

Some other reviewers have complained about the leather digging into their inner thighs, but I didn’t really find that to be a problem. It might just be a personal thing depending on how it sits on your body.

Lockable chastity belt female chastity belt from Lovehoney

The Lockable Chastity Belt is very adjustable, with ten holes for each buckle. I’m a UK size 12 at the moment and it fits me with plenty of room to spare. According to the product page, the waist adjusts from 26 to 46 inches and the crotch strap adjusts from 14 to 23 inches.

How Secure Is It?

Welllll…. it depends what you mean by “secure.”

The padlocks are pretty flimsy. The wearer could probably break them fairly easily if they were so inclined. But given that the point of being locked in chastity is (presumably) because the wearer wants to be locked in chastity, I don’t really see why they would. If you want to make the belt more secure, you could easily swap out the provided padlocks with larger and more robust ones.

When I’m wearing the Dominix Lockable Chastity Belt, even when it’s fastened pretty tight, I can still get to my vulva… kind of. I can get at least a couple of fingers under the leather. So it doesn’t completely prevent all contact, but it makes it hard to impossible to touch myself in the way that would actually get me off.

Incidentally, the leather is pretty thin and I think I could probably press a wand vibrator to the front and still reach orgasm. So yes, if you want absolute security against any and all stimulation, this probably isn’t the belt for you.

How Practical Is It?

Honestly not very at all, but I think that’s a symptom of the reality of chastity belts for vulva owners rather than anything wrong with this particular product.

When I read erotica about chastity (which, erm, I do quite a lot) the belts tend to be super high tech and allow for all-day wear as well as using the bathroom… and somehow stay hygienic. I’m going to chalk this up to an unrealistic fantasy that doesn’t currently exist. I bave never seen a chastity belt for vulva owners that could even remotely be described as practical. If someone has created one, please let me know!

So no, you (probably) can’t wear the Dominix Lockable Chastity Belt all day and you (probably) can’t sleep in it or anything like that. Incidentally, since leather is porous, this piece should also be fluid-bonded to one person once it’s been worn without clothing underneath.

How Sexy Is It?

The aesthetic of the Dominix Lockable Chastity Belt is a classic black leather BDSM look. It’s pretty sexy in its simplicity and I do like how it looks when I’m wearing it. I think it’d be fun to wear out to a kink club when we can go to those again.

Chastity play, like so much of BDSM, is at least as much about the mindset and headspace as it is about the physical acts. I’ve been doing denial/chastity play with lovers for years and have never really used a physical device until this one arrived.

The fun for me isn’t so much in the device itself, but in what it represents. Even though it doesn’t actually completely prevent me from touching myself, and probably wouldn’t completely prevent me from reaching orgasm, the physical barrier serves as a reminder that while I’m wearing it, my pleasure belongs to somebody else.

And that is sexy as hell.

Final Verdict

My verdict here really depends what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for a genuinely secure chastity device that stops all stimulation, this isn’t it. But if you’re looking for a fun and relatively comfortable piece for scene play, kink club outings, or short-term fun, then this is a great buy.

The Dominix Lockable Chastity Belt retails for £39.99 from Lovehoney. Use my code coffkink10 to get 10% off at checkout!

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the Dominix Lockable Chastity Belt for review. Pics courtesy of Lovehoney because I am way too shy to post pics of myself actually wearing a chastity belt! All views, as always, are mine. Shopping with my affiliates sends me a small commission which supports the blog!

[Review] Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm

I admit that I am sceptical when it comes to products that aren’t sex toys but claim to boost the chances of orgasm. However, I am also a curious creature and willing to try most things once. So when this little tin of Bliss Orgasm Balm from Lovehoney appeared in my shipment of Masturbation May products, I thought it was high time I gave it a go.

Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm

What is Bliss Orgasm Balm?

Bliss is a topical balm designed to increase sensitivity in the clitoris. It comes in a small heart-shaped tin and is white in colour and has a creamy consistency that melts onto your fingers – similar to a lip balm.

Bliss Orgasm Balm is infused with peppermint, menthol and essential oils. These ingredients stimulate the nerve-endings in the clitoris and encourage blood flow to the area, increasing sensitivity.

Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm

Is it body-safe?

To answer this question, I took a closer look at the ingredients.

  • Argania Spinosa (Argan) Kernel Oil. A natural oil commonly used in cosmetics, make-up and skincare products. It has been shown to have beneficial properties for the skin and is considered safe.
  • Hydrogenated Olive Oil (and) Olea Europaea (Olive) Fruit Oil. We all know olive oil has health benefits when used in food, but it is also a common ingredient in skincare and cosmetics. These forms of olive oil were investigated by the Cosmetics Ingredients Review and declared safe.
  • Hydrogenated Jojoba wax. Jojoba oil and jojoba wax were investigated by the International Journal of Toxicology and proven safe for cosmetic use. (Warning: link contains mentions of animal testing.)
  • Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea Butter). An incredibly common ingredient in skincare and cosmetic products. The Cosmetic Ingredients Review investigated shea butter and found it to be safe.
  • Menthol. Menthol is widely used for its distinctive minty fragrane and the cooling sensation it creates on the skin. The FDA has found it to be safe for these purposes and also in food.
  • Tocopherol. Tocopherol is a form of Vitamin E, typically derived from vegetable oils. The Cosmetic Ingredient Review and International Journal of Toxicology concluded that it is safe for topical use.
  • Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil. An essential oil derived from the peppermint plant, the Cosmetic Ingredient Review determined that peppermint oil is safe as long as the concentration of the compound pulegone does not exceed 1%.

In conclusion? Every ingredient in this little balm has been declared safe for topical (external) use by experts. Full marks, Lovehoney! Unless you’re allergic or sensitive to any of the ingredients, you can use Bliss Orgasm Balm with confidence.

How do you use it?

You may look at this tiny little tin and think, “is that all you get?” But believe me when I say you only need a little bit to make this stuff effective!

Dab a small amount onto your fingers and massage into your clitoral area. It can be quite intense, so start off cautiously – if you want a more intense sensation or aren’t getting the desired effect, you can always add more.

From there, continue to masturbate or have sex as you normally would.

Remember: Bliss Orgasm Balm is for external use only. Don’t put it inside your vagina or butt.

What does it feel like?

Have you ever used “cooling” or “tingling” lube? It’s a bit like that, only more intense! If you’ve ever put toothpaste on your genital area (which is something I don’t recommend, but a lot of people do) this is a similar sensation – and safer!

The best way I can describe it is as a cool tingly sensation when the balm first goes on. Then, as your body gets used to it, the initial sensation fades but you’re left with a higher than usual level of clitoral sensitivity.

Does it work?

Yes – with caveats.

If you struggle to orgasm, don’t expect Bliss Orgasm Balm to be a cure-all. It isn’t. But it definitely does heighten sensitivity, which can absolutely help when it comes to inducing orgasm. I also suspect it might act as something of a placebo for some people – you expect the balm to help, so you feel more relaxed and less stressed, so having an orgasm is easier.

I absolutely recommend trying a product like this if you find orgasm difficult. But manage your expectations going in, yeah?

If you don’t generally struggle to orgasm but are just looking for some extra sensitivity or a fun way to play with sensations, you might well enjoy using Bliss Orgasm Balm.

Some extra fun ways to play…

As ever, there’s no right way to use sexuality products and you should do whatever works for you. But I found a few fun ways to use Bliss Orgasm Balm that might appeal to some of you.

  • Put some on before you get dressed in the morning to give you a little tingle of arousal as you go about your day.
  • Use it during oral sex and have your partner gently blow on your vulva. This will send cool minty tingles through you!
  • Put some on and then start watching porn or reading erotica and see how long you can wait before you simply have to touch yourself. (Or order your submissive to put some on and then not touch!)
  • Use it to increase clitoral pleasure during penetrative sex. This greatly enhances the chance of orgasm for most vulva owning people!

So do I recommend it?

I rate this product a lot more highly than I expected to! I really liked the tingly sensations, the extra level of sensitivity, and the fun variety it added to my solo playtime. I’m also seeing some great potential in it for kink and power exchange play and I’m looking forward to experimenting more with my partner.

At just £9.99/$12.99 for a 20g tin (which will last you ages – remember you only need a little bit) it’s a steal. Throw some in your next Lovehoney order!

Thank you to Lovehoney for sharing this product with me in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links appear in this post. All views are, as always, my own. Pictures property of Lovehoney and reproduced with permission. I’m partnering with Lovehoney throughout May to bring you #MasturbationMay reviews and content!

Masturbation Monday: Three Ways to Explore Masturbating With Your Partner

Masturbating together is a hugely underrated sex act, in my opinion. The overwhelming majority of us are our own first, last and only truly lifelong sexual partner, so no-one knows what we like quite like we do!

Despite this, many of us forget that mutual masturbation can be a wonderful way to explore sex with a partner – or consider it “not real sex.” So today I want to give you three possible ways to explore masturbating together, and why you might want to try them.

Show your partner what you like

This works well in newer relationships where you don’t know each other’s bodies well yet, but is equally wonderful for more established relationships – particularly if you feel stuck in a sexual rut or one of you isn’t feeling as satisfied as you’d like.

Masturbating in front of your partner shows them, in intimate detail, how you like to be touched. This could involve them touching you too, mimicing your movements until they get it just right, or just watching and taking mental notes.

Does this sound cold and clinical to you? It doesn’t need to be! Imagine your partner lying back and spreading their legs, their eyes closing in bliss as they give themselves pleasure. Imagine them saying something like, “I like to have my clit rubbed in little circles like this…” or “I really like someone gripping the base of my cock hard. Don’t worry about hurting me, I’m into it.” Super fucking hot, no?

Talking about what you like in bed is hot. Showing your partner what you like can be even better.

Putt on a sexy show

Is there anything hotter than seeing your partner’s pleasure up close and personal? Masturbating for your partner can be an incredibly hot way to put on a sexy show for them.

Some people find it sexy to exaggerate their moans and movements in this context for their partner’s enjoyment. Others like to simply lose themselves in the pleasure and let their partner see them at their most raw and vulnerable. Experiment to see what works for you.

This can also work really well as part of a D/s game. As a submissive, I enjoy being told to touch myself for my partner’s amusement – especially if I’m not allowed to come (or stop) without their express permission. If you’re in a power exchange relationship or enjoy these games, try telling your partner to touch themself for your entertainment. The details are up to you – are they forbidden to come? Instructed to edge a certain number of times? Ordered to bring themself to orgasm within a specific timeframe? Have fun with it!

Explore a new fantasy together

Masturbating together can be a lower pressure way to explore a new fantasy. Interested in threesomes, bondage or watersports, but nervous to try? Touch yourselves side by side while you talk through a scenario involving your fantasy. (Frankly, even if you’re not exploring something new, masturbating together and talking through a shared fantasy is a really hot way to have lower-energy sex!)

Another way to do this is watch some porn or read some sexy erotic fiction together while you both touch yourselves.

Have you tried masturbating with your partner? Tell me in the comments or tweet me to tell me what you love about it!

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Masturbation Monday is a meme by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone is getting off to this week! This week’s prompt image is by Shelbie Rie of House of Eclipse. This post contains affiliate links, which make me a small commission if you purchase through them. You can also buy me a coffee to show your appreciation!

Masturbation Monday: Discovering My Denial Kink

Eventually, my Masturbation Monday pieces will probably move back into the realm of erotic fiction. But for now I’m not really feeling it so much. While thinking what to write this morning, I realised – I can’t believe I’ve never written the origin story of my main, ultimate, One Kink To Rule Them All fetish! So let’s talk about how I learned I have an orgasm denial kink.

Content warning: this one talks about mental health and makes brief mention of abuse in a relationship

An unfortunate side effect…

SSRIs can be brilliant. They can also be the fucking devil. For me, they were both. I was 21 and in my final year of University when my mental health took an extreme downturn, almost entirely – I realise now – as a result of being with a seriously abusive partner.

After a couple of weeks on citalopram, it actually did help. Somewhat. It mellowed out my extreme anxiety and took the edge off the worst of my depression. But it also had another effect: it made it impossible for me to orgasm.

I didn’t own any sex toys at that point, and always masturbated with my fingers. I first realised that something was wrong during a solo session where, whatever I did, I simply could not get myself over the edge. The same thing happened when I had sex with my then-partner. Things that usually worked just… didn’t. It was like there was a thick blanket between my cunt and anything that touched it, dulling sensation and making things that had previously been reliable orgasm triggers just feel… sort of nice.

Discovering denial…

I eventually broke through this orgasm block with a high-powered vibrator, and things got better after that. (Temporary anorgasmia is, it turns out, a known side effect. And I’m sure that part of the problem was psychological – worrying about whether or not you’ll be able to come is hardly conducive to great orgasms.)

But the weird thing was that, on some level, I kind of enjoyed it.

I didn’t enjoy not having the choice. I didn’t enjoy the fact that my body seemed to be betraying me. But the lack of orgasms itself? Yeah, I realised a few times that I was definitely getting a kick out of that. The frustration was, in and of itself, powerfully erotic. Finding myself constantly horny, almost always thinking about sex on some level, my cunt getting soaking wet so damn easily. The way that I’d still be aroused and unsatisfied after a sex session, and have to stop myself from squirming too much as my Dom slept peacefully next to me. Feeling my clit twitching, demanding attention that I knew wouldn’t be satisfying.

I vividly remember the first time I reached a hard edge. I was rubbing my clit harder and harder, feeling the wave of orgasm rising, sure that this was the time I’d be able to get myself over the edge. But it just… hit a certain level and then stopped. There was no peak, no satisfying spasms or clenching, no relief or release. I did it again and then again, trying in vain to push myself over the edge. I had to stop eventually because the overstimulation was starting to hurt. But that awakened something in me right then. Something that has played, to a greater or lesser extent, into the overwhelming majority of the sexual fantasies I’ve had in the years since then.

After breaking through the SSRI-induced orgasm issue, I mentioned this to my then-partner and asked if we could play with it. We did. I’m not ready to write about sex things I did with him in a positive way – honestly I’m not sure I ever will be – but suffice to say that getting to explore this kink was one of the few good things that came out of that time.

How did you discover your favourite kink?

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Masturbation Monday is a meme created and run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone else is getting off to this week! If you enjoyed this piece, please consider buying me a coffee to show your appreciation.

Masturbation Monday: Why People in Relationships Should Still Masturbate

One of the most enduring myths about masturbation, and one of the ones that I most wish would die, is the idea that people in relationships don’t – or shouldn’t – masturbate.

Seriously, this is such an enormous crock of bullshit.

I’m here to tell you that masturbation is healthy, natural and good for you – whether you’re partnered or single. Let’s look at some really good reasons to engage in some self-love regardless of your relationship status.

Your only lifelong sexual relationship will be with yourself

Relationships come and go. Even if you’re with one person monogamously for your entire life, there will be times when that person can’t or doesn’t want to engage in sex. For most of us, we’ll go through periods of being in relationships and periods of being single throughout our lives. But whoever else is or isn’t in our lives (and beds,) our longest and most enduring sexual relationship will always be with ourselves.

Masturbation is how we build a positive sexual relationship with ourselves. It gives us the tools to satisfy ourselves sexually without the need for anyone else. It contributes to positive sexual self-esteem, increased pleasure, and better mood. Masturbation is awesome!

Masturbation can improve your partnered sex

There’s nothing sexier than a partner who knows exactly what they like and asks for it. And you know what masturbation does? Teaches you what you like!

Exploring your own body gives you the tools to tell – or show – your partner how you like to be touched. And this isn’t a one-and-done thing, either! Remember that our bodies change throughout our lifetimes for many reasons, and that can include our sexual desires changing. Masturbation helps to keep your knowledge of your own body sharp. It also reduces fear of change in your body, because you already know how to roll with it and adapt to meet your body where it’s at.

It can take the pressure off – for both of you

Relying on one other person to meet all of your sexual needs can be a LOT of pressure for both of you. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, exploring with other people is off the table – but exploring with yourself absolutely shouldn’t be.

If having sex with your partner is the only way to get your sexual needs met, that creates an environment that is more likely to lead to coercion or pressure – even if unintentionally. But if you have a rich sexual relationship with yourself, if you’re feeling the need to get off but your partner isn’t up for sex, you can masturbate and take care of business without any pressure or resentment.

Masturbating doesn’t mean your partner is “failing” or that your sex life is bad

Something I often hear is “why does my partner need to masturbate? They have me!” This is compounded by disparaging jokes about people who masturbate after sex, about sad lonely people who masturbate because they can’t get a partner, or about people jerking off to porn when their partner is in bed because their sex life has died.

In more than 15 years of being sexually active, I’ve realised that the amount I masturbate has almost nothing to do with the amount (or, frankly, the quality) of partnered sex I’m having. Some people even report that they masturbate more when they’re having tonnes of yummy partnered sex. Orgasms beget orgasms, after all!

Your partner masturbating probably has nothing to do with you or the quality of your sex life together! Because…

Masturbation can fulfill a different need to partnered sex

Even during times when I’m having tonnes of partnered sex, I still feel the urge to masturbate. This is because it fulfills a completely different set of needs. Partnered sex is about the connection, the dynamic, the interplay between me and my partner(s) as much as it is about the physical sensations. Masturbation can be about anything from exploring new sensations in a completely pressure-free and private way, to simply getting off as quickly as possible so I can go to sleep.

Partnered sex is about both (or all) of us. Masturbation is just about me. Call it “me time,” call it “self care,” but keeping things that are just for ourselves is so important.

The bottom line is that masturbation and partnered sex are different activities and they meet different needs. I love and desire both for completely different reasons.

Your body belongs to you

A relationship is a mutual and consensual exchange between two (or more) people. It does not imply ownership over the other person, their body or their sexuality. (Unless that’s your kink – but even then you know it’s a game really, don’t you?)

Whatever your relationship status, your body is yours and you don’t need anyone’s permission to enjoy or explore it. If your partner thinks masturbation is a form of cheating, that’s a red flag for controlling behaviour and you should consider leaving. The person who tries to control your sexual relationship with yourself is likely to exhibit abusive behaviours in other areas of life.

(Again: I’m not talking about kink dynamics here – I have an orgasm control kink, after all! But the point of a kink is that it’s for fun and you have the ability to opt out of playing the game if you want to.)

No-one owns your body but you. No-one else gets to control what you can and can’t do with it.

If you have a vulva and are new to masturbation, I really recommend Jenny Block’s book The Ultimate Guide to Solo Sex.

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Masturbation Monday is a meme created and run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone else is getting off to this week! If you enjoyed this piece, please consider buying me a coffee to show your appreciation.