Tag: orgasm

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[Better Sex Products Review] Morgasm CBD Lube

Published on by AmyLeave a comment

Two things you’ll know about me if you have been reading my work for some time: I am both highly curious and highly cynical. This means that, when I hear about a cool new sex thing, my brain goes “it’s probably not all it’s cracked up to be… but damn I want to try it and find out!” Enter CBD lube, which (along with CBD products in general) has been having a major moment over the last couple years.

You might remember this guest post by Hattie Gladwell from back in 2021 in which she shared how CBD lubricant helped her to overcome orgasm difficulties.

So when Morgasm reached out and offered me a sample of their CBD-infused lube, obviously I was a “fuck yes” for that.

Morgasm CBD Lube

What is CBD?

Cannabidiol (CBD) is one of the main components of cannabis and comes from hemp (a cousin of the marijuana plant.) CBD is available in various forms: oils, extracts, capsules, and so on. It’s been infused into numerous products, from foods and drinks to health and beauty products and more.

CBD does not contain tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), the psychoactive ingredient in cannabis that causes a “high.” This means that it is legal in many places even where cannabis is not, including here in the UK. According to Harvard Health, CBD is generally safe for adults. However, it can produce adverse interactions with some medications (check with your doctor), may cause side effects in a small number of people, and is not advised for use by anyone under 21.

How Does CBD Lube Work?

It’s cited as a miracle remedy for countless problems from chronic pain to low mood and insomnia. And in some areas at least, the positive data points are beginning to stack up. In others, however, the evidence just isn’t there yet. The science of CBD and its effectiveness is still in its infancy in many areas, including in the sex space.

Much of the evidence I could find for the effectiveness of CBD lube was anecdotal. According to one survey, 68% of 1000 participants who tried CBD said it improved their sex life. Obviously anecdotal evidence is far from conclusive, but there’s enough of it out there that it’s at least worth more than a passing glance.

Scientifically-speaking, a few of the commonly cited potential effects and benefits of CBD lube include:

  • Increasing blood flow to the genital area, which can increase sensitivity and physiological responses to arousal (such as wetness)
  • Reducing discomfort during sex due to CBD’s anti-inflammatory properties
  • Aiding in muscle relaxation, including around the genital area

But when it comes to CBD lube and its benefits, to what extent is any of this a placebo and to what extent is the CBD actually having a direct effect? The bottom line is that right now we don’t really know. But it’s an intriguing enough area that I hope we’ll see more studies over the next few years.

Morgasm CBD Lube: What’s In It?

Morgasm’s CBD lube is a water-based lubricant infused with 250mg of CBD per 50ml. It contains an array of plant-based and hypoallergenic ingredients including mentha piperita (peppermint leaf extract), the amino acid L-Arginine, aloe vera, and vanilla extract. Check out the ingredients breakdown for a full list of what’s in Morgasm lube and what each ingredient does.

Morgasm CBD lube ingredients

Morgasm CBD lube is vegan and not tested on animals. It is also safe for use with both latex and non-latex barriers as well as all body-safe sex toy materials.

A Quick Note on Glycerin

The only ingredient on Morgasm’s list that gives me pause is “organic kosher vegatable glycerin.” It has long been cited that glycerin(e), a sugar alcohol, can contribute towards the development of yeast infections. However, some sources are now saying that this may not be entirely accurate, or at least that it may not be that simple.

I couldn’t find any definitive scientific literature either way. Personally, I’m still going to be avoiding glycerin-containing products internally until I see proof that they’re not harmful to the vagina. Unlike many glycerin-containing lubes, however, Morgasm CBD Lube isn’t sticky and doesn’t leave an unpleasant tacky residue on my skin. This means I’m happy to use it externally. You’ll need to make your own risk assessment based on your body and preferences.

Morgasm CBD Lube: First Impressions:

I had two initial reactions to Morgasm’s CBD lube when I first opened my sample:

  1. It smells gorgeous! It has a distinctive but not overpowering tangy, subtly minty scent. That’s probably the peppermint leaf at work. Taste-wise, that tang and slight sweetness comes through too.
  2. It’s a really, really weird colour! It comes out of the tube in a sort of beige-brown. I initially wondered if my sample was off but no, that’s just the colour it is. It’s not noticeable once it’s applied to the body, but it was jarring at first. I’m used to lube being clear, or white at a push.
Woman's hand with a smear of Morgasm CBD lube

So How Did It Feel?

I was deeply cynical about this product, folks. Really, I cannot express that enough. I went in fully assuming that my reaction was going to be a severely underwhelmed “well, it’s lube, so that’s good I guess?”

So imagine my shock and delight on discovering that it actually, genuinely works for me!

I applied the lube a few minutes before I was planning to masturbate, as the information I’d read indicated that topically-applied CBD can take a while to kick in. I was slightly aroused when I started, but I could feel my vulva and clit getting really sensitive really quickly once I applied the lube.

When I started masturbating, I couldn’t believe how sensitive I was. The best way I can describe it is that it felt like I’d shortcutted the build-up, essentially arriving at the “every nerve ending quivering” state that normally comes from protracted arousal building, anticipation, or edging.

The bottom line is that I came really hard and really fast.

Again, I have no way to conclusively prove or disprove that this effect was caused by the CBD. It could have been, or it could have been any of the other ingredients (mint, for example, is commonly used in arousal-enhancing products for the cooling and tingling sensation it provides.) It could have been the combination, or it could have been a placebo despite my cynicism. No way to know for sure.

But also… if something works, does it actually matter all that much? Whatever the cause, the orgasm I had was real. And when something helps me to cum that hard and that quickly, I’m going to take the win.

Morgasm CBD Lube left my skin feeling soft and healthy, with a hint of that minty scent. I didn’t feel a need to rush to the bathroom and wash it off, which – for my neurodivergent and highly sensorily-sensitive self – is an achievement in itself.

Verdict

I don’t really understand how it worked, I only know that it did. This stuff gave me one of the strongest (not to mention fastest) solo orgasms I’ve had in quite some time.

The one downside? Like most CBD products, it’s seriously pricey. Morgasm CBD lube retails for a slightly eyewatering $54 for a single 60ml tube. You can save by buying in bulk packs of 2, 3, 4, or 10 tubes, but it’s still an expensive product.

It should tell you how much I liked it that I am seriously considering splashing out on a full-size tube or two.

Thanks to Morgasm for sending me this product to test and review. All opinions and experiences are, as always, mine. Affiliate links appear in this post.

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[Guest Post] Anorgasmia and The Pursuit of Pleasure by Alessandra Fraissinet

Published on by AmyLeave a comment

It’s been quite a while since we had a guest post, hasn’t it? I’m happy to be welcoming Alessandra Fraissinet (they/she), a queer, sex-positive relationship, sex and health educator (RSH), talking about anorgasmia, the orgasm gap, and orgasm difficulties. This has come at a pretty perfect time, especially given that I wrote recently about my own struggles with orgasm and vow to never “fake it” again.

The Pursuit of Pleasure by Alessandra Fraissinet

TW: mention of depression and sexual violence

Part of my job as a sex educator is to encourage people of all genders and sexualities to follow their pleasure. To have sex because it feels good, to release expectations, to be playful, and to move away from the idea of sex as a performance. Under heteronormativity, in particular, sex can be viewed as something you do with a particular aim and, specifically, something that must lead to orgasm.

Now, there are a few things to know about orgasms:

First, orgasms are an involuntary response to a mechanical stimulus, pretty much like a sneeze. That means you or your partner(s) can facilitate the reaction by creating a set of ideal circumstances (trust, relaxation, appropriate stimulation), but that technically no one can make you orgasm except for your own body.

And just as there are a few things you can do to facilitate orgasm, some things can also make it hard to reach. Relaxation, adequate stimulation, good pelvic floor health, safety and trust all contribute to creating an ideal environment for orgasms. On the other hand, physical and psychological factors like depression, anxiety, certain medications, stress, and sexual trauma can prevent you from having orgasms either occasionally or all the time.

People with vulvas, especially cis women who have sex with cishet men, are known to have it harder: this is a well-documented phenomenon known as the orgasm gap. When discussing the orgasm gap, people most often place emphasis on poor communication between partners, male selfishness, and a lack of appropriate pleasure education.

Regardless of sex, gender or sexual orientation, orgasms can be difficult to achieve. This can result in significant pressure during partnered sex especially. Unlearning the idea of sex as a performance, and embracing it as an experience, requires us to release our expectations of a specific outcome and allow pleasure to take whatever form comes naturally in a given moment. This is challenging, especially if – like me – you live with anorgasmia: the extreme difficulty or inability to orgasm.

Anorgasmia can be primary (when you have never had an orgasm) or secondary (when you used to be able to orgasm). It can depend on a variety of different factors: excessive worrying around sexual “performance”, depression and other mood disorders, chronic pain, sexual trauma, hormonal changes, gynaecological surgery, and other health conditions can all cause anorgasmia.

Being a Sex Educator with Anorgasmia

So here I am, embodying the contradiction of being a sex educator who is not only unable to orgasm, but is also consistently failing to address what is “wrong” with their body. Here I am telling people they need to stop obsessing over orgasms and start enjoying sex for pleasure and connection… when I can rarely practice what I preach.

And don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t enjoy sex for the sake of pleasure and connection because I do. Because I don’t cum, pleasure and connection pretty much constitute the whole deal to me. But to be completely honest, most of the time, I am immensely frustrated with my body. I feel betrayed. And I feel like my body has failed me.

I can’t seem to recall my first orgasms – or even whether I have ever actually experienced one. My first experiences with sex were turbulent, to put it mildly. But even now, when I am having super hot sex, when I am really turned on, and when I am having sex with someone who I trust and who cares about me, I cannot ever bring myself to climax. No matter the amount of adequate stimulation I am receiving. No matter how many sex toys I’m aiding myself with.

I always come super close to it, and then… I wish I could say it’s like a deer in headlights that simply stops and goes away, never to be seen again. But the reality is that the pleasure becomes unbearable at this point, and I ask my partner to stop (or I stop if I am masturbating).

Reactions are mixed. Some people (you guessed it, mostly cis men) don’t say a word, and I am not even sure they notice. Some seem puzzled and thrown off or ask me questions. I then explain what happens to my body. While there is a general understanding, most people seem very surprised by it.

Talking About It

Telling partners about my anorgasmia can be even more frustrating than having the condition itself. Attempting to articulate what happens to my body while I’m experiencing intense pleasure without ever being able to follow through puts me right in front of the issue I’ve consistently been trying to avoid (which is another perfect example of “do as I say, not as I do”). And the reason why I avoid the issue is that actively trying to overcome it seems way too overwhelming.

There’s something terrifying about realising that you are indeed in charge of your own pleasure. Your partners can aid and facilitate it but cannot create it from scratch and give it to you. If you want to experience it, you must show up for yourself. That can mean a few different things: communicating with your partner openly and honestly and asking for what you want, making time and being intentional about solo sex, or going to therapy and facing uncomfortable truths. Sometimes all three, and more, together.

For years, I’ve refused to address my anorgasmia in the name of pleasure. Because sex feels good no matter what. Because I can still feel close to my partner. And because I firmly reject all sorts of expectations around sex. Wanting more doesn’t make me a hypocrite, though. If you take away one thing from this post, let it be this: you can embrace orgasm-less pleasure while being curious and trying to overcome your limitations. I deserve powerful, earth-shattering orgasms, and so do you.

“You deserve pleasure” has become a popular catchphrase in sex-positive communities, and rightfully so. But to internalise this message is difficult. And if you’ve been struggling with depression, low self-esteem or sexual trauma, taking charge of your own pleasure can feel overwhelming and out of
reach. There’s no quick fix and no magic wand, but there is important work to do.

If you would like to support me in bringing more amazing guest writers to the site, the best way to do that is by becoming a supporter on Patreon. You can also chip in by buying me a virtual coffee!

Woman clutching the sheets as though cumming. Header image for a post on faking orgasms.

On Faking Orgasms

Published on by AmyLeave a comment

[TW: this post makes brief reference to sexual intimate partner abuse]

Sometimes it’s hard for me to cum.

And sometimes I can get there, but it takes a long time. Or what feels like a long time to me, though I think I’m actually fairly average. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, one study showed that the average person with a vulva (they said “woman” but let’s use inclusive language here) takes around 14 minutes to climax during partnered sex. It is a little unclear whether the researchers were using “partnered sex” synonymously with “intercourse“. However, I’m assuming they are referring to any kind of partnered sexual activity since anything from 50% to 80% (depending on which study you believe) of people with vulvas don’t orgasm solely from penetration at all.

After the first time we slept together, my now-girlfriend and I discussed the orgasm difficulty thing because I was feeling a little self-conscious over how long it sometimes takes me to get off. During that conversation, she asked me to please not feel any pressure to fake it. And I hadn’t realised how much I needed to hear that explicitly until she said it.

Why Fake Orgasms?

I’ve definitely faked orgasms in the past, and for a few different reasons. At the absolute worst, when I was in an abusive relationship, faking it was sometimes the best way to get things I didn’t like and didn’t feel comfortable with to be over. In those relationships, even if the sex itself was consensual, it wasn’t necessarily safe to ask for what actually felt good and would help me to get off. Abusive men don’t take well to any threats to their egos.

On a less sinister note, I’ve had a lot of consensual-but-bad sex in my life. Whether it was partners who couldn’t be bothered to learn how to please me, or just my own insecurities and unwillingness to speak up, lots of factors played into this. Half way through I might realise that I wasn’t going to get there no matter how hard we tried. At those times, faking it sometimes felt easier than saying “can we stop?”

I’ve also faked orgasms in group sex situations before. Those spaces are typically less about the actual orgasm for me. I often won’t cum in a group situation, though there are of course exceptions to this generalisation. They’re more about the overall sensuality, shared sexual energy, and just the feeling of being in that erotic space. Even so, it can feel like the goal in those situations is “everyone has an orgasm” and like I’m letting the group down if I don’t. In those circumstances, it has sometimes felt easier to fake it than to draw attention to it.

Why I Decided to Stop

Quite a few years ago now, I swore off faking orgasms. So what changed? A few things.

First, I realised that I deserve pleasure as much as my partners. I was primarily sleeping with men and masc-of-centre people at the time, and the orgasm gap is a real phenomenon to which I have no desire to contribute with my sex life.

Ironically, discovering that I have an orgasm denial/orgasm control kink helped, too. This means that if I’m having fun but not getting off, I can eroticise the build-up and the unreleased sexual tension in and of itself. Enjoying the process freed me up to enjoy sex more fully without needing to chase a destination that can be highly variable in its reachability. (And yes, I also appreciate the irony that someone growling “don’t you dare fucking cum” in my ear will often get me close faster than almost anything else.)

I also realised that faking it just begets more frustration and unsatisfying sex. If a partner believes that what they’re doing is making me cum, they will (reasonably) continue doing those things when we have sex again in the future. By faking orgasms, I was literally teaching partners to continue touching me in ways that didn’t work for me. What’s the point of that?

I recently saw this article about why faking orgasms “may not be as bad for your relationship as we thought,” and… it made me kinda ragey. This part, in particular:

If your partner feels insecure about their sexual ability and you don’t have an orgasm during sex, sometimes telling them you did is an easy out from having to console them. As much as you love your partner, having to reassure them their sex skills are top-notch can be taxing. That’s why, in these situations, it’s fine to spare their feelings to avoid having to comfort them for hours on end.

– Amanda Chatel

What? WHAT!? No! I’m sorry but if someone’s ego is so fragile that they’re going to make my body’s quirks about them, or that they’d rather I lie to them rather than learn about what actually gets me off (and accept that sometimes it might not happen through no fault of theirs or mine), we shouldn’t be having sex.

Another change was discovering the wonderful world of sex toys. Over a decade ago, I went through a period where I was unable to orgasm due to starting new antidepressants. It was a mains-powered “back massager” vibrator that helped me eventually power through that block. I didn’t really start exploring the full joys of the sex toy world, though, until I launched this blog. (And then it all got slightly out of hand… *glances around at vibrators spilling out of drawers, baskets, boxes, and door-hanging shoe holders in my office.*)

Discovering toys gave me new options and avenues for pleasure and orgasm. New ways to experience intense sensations when my body needs more powerful stimulation to break through an orgasm block. New ways to cum and new possibilities to reach for if hands or mouths or cocks aren’t quite getting me over the edge.

The absolute number one change, though? The single biggest thing that turned all of this around? Safe relationships.

When you’re with safe partners, faking orgasms becomes unnecessary. With both Mr C&K and my girlfriend, I feel able to say either “please could we do this different thing that might help me get there?” or “I don’t think it’s going to happen tonight but I’m still having tonnes of fun” and I know that that will be heard and accepted with love. Feeling safe and loved totally removes the need or desire to fake anything with them, including my orgasms.

So sometimes I still struggle to cum. That might always be true. And sometimes I might worry that I’m taking too long. That my partner(s) will feel bad if I don’t get off. That they’ll get bored with the process. In those situations, faking orgasms does still occasionally seem like a tempting solution. But I promised myself and my partners that I’ll never do that again, and I intend to stick to it.

I deserve more than fake pleasure and so do my partners. Because if we can’t be authentic with each other, what’s the point?

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How Wand Vibrators Helped Me Reclaim My Sexuality When Antidepressants Killed It

Published on by AmyLeave a comment

I’ve been on antidepressants for the majority of my adult life, in three separate stints (having come off them most recently earlier this year). I’m very pro medication for those who need it which, at the times I was taking it, I absolutely did. I’m not exaggerating when I say that those meds saved my life on more than one occasion.

Wand vibrators - Honey Wand from Honey Play Box
Honey Wand by Honey Play Box

But like any medications, antidepressants often have side effects, which can range in severity from mildly annoying to seriously debilitating. One of the worst side effects I experienced on two out of the three antidepressants I tried was a significant change to my sexuality. This manifested in different ways on each drug.

On Fluoxetine (Prozac), I pretty much lost my sex drive entirely for months. Anything that had been pleasurable just felt like… nothing. This wasn’t limited to sex, either – I also lost my appetite and all ability to derive pleasure from food. On Citalopram, I lost my ability to orgasm while my body adjusted to the meds. While this did have some pleasant results (particularly discovering that I have an orgasm denial kink), it was also upsetting and frustrating. Feeling like I had no control over my body and like I’d lost one of my greatest sources of pleasure was so damaging that I seriously considered coming off the meds that were otherwise helping with my depression.

Trying Sex Toys

The first time antidepressants killed my sex life, I was so thoroughly miserable (both from the depression and from the side effects of the meds) that I wasn’t even interested in reclaiming it. I’m pretty sure I didn’t have sex or masturbate for about nine months at one stage. In hindsight, this probably made things even worse, because my sexuality has always been one of the key ways that I access pleasure and joy. At that time, I didn’t own any sex toys, and any touch from either myself or my partner left me cold.

The second time was a different matter, though. This time, the antidepressants actually took the edge off the worst of the sadness and hopelessness, and I still wanted sex. I just couldn’t orgasm, either with my partner or by myself. Though orgasm is not necessarily the goal of sex, this quickly became frustrating and then enraging. I felt like my body was betraying me. Like I had to choose between having a properly functioning brain and a satisfying sex life.

The turning point came when my then-partner pulled out a wand vibrator after about a month of this issue. That thing finally broke through the orgasm block. And, once that dam broke, it became easier and easier to get there again. I invested in a wand for myself pretty quickly after that, and it became my go-to toy.

Breaking Through the Depression-Haze

Even now, when I’m not currently on any psychiatric medication (though I accept I might be again in the future), I’m most likely to reach for my wand vibes when I’m in the middle of a bad depression funk. Contrary to popular belief, it’s still possible to feel horny at the same time as being depressed. Sad people need pleasure and orgasms, too! There have also been times when I haven’t felt horny, but I knew intellectually that an orgasm would make me feel better.

Sometimes, when I’m very very depressed, I feel as though there’s a kind of fog around me. The fog keeps me at least partly disconnected from everything and everyone around me. At its worst, it creates a sense of being somewhat outside and detached from my own body. In this state, many types of touch that would normally be pleasurable struggle to penetrate the fog. When that happens, I need intense stimulation and lots of it. It’s times like this that I might crave certain BDSM activities even more than usual. It’s also times like this when knock-your-socks-off powerful wand vibes are a Godsend.

The thing with my favourite wand vibes is that ultimately, they can wrench an orgasm from my body with very little active input from me. This has a lot of fun potential (forced orgasm scenes anyone?) It’s also extremely useful during periods of significant depression. If I want to orgasm at my own or a partner’s hand, or with a lower powered toy, it can be fun but often requires significant effort, mentally if not physically. With a powerful enough wand, I basically just put it in the right spot and wait for the orgasm to happen. In this way, I can access pleasure and the positive physical and mental health benefits of orgasm even when I feel so low I don’t want to leave my bed.

Sexual Pleasure Matters

When someone is dealing with severe health issues, either physical or mental, it’s often tempting to see sexual pleasure as trivial. Certainly when I spoke to my doctor about the side effects of my various medications, they dismissed my concerns. Did I want to be able to orgasm or did I want to not be sad? Because I couldn’t have both.

Except I actually could, and I needed and deserved to have both.

If you’re struggling with pleasure or orgasm due to health issues and medication, I want you to hear this: sexual pleasure matters! It’s not trivial and it’s not unimportant. If it’s important to you, then it matters. And you deserve to have what you need to feel sexually satisfied – whether that’s a change of medication, a super powerful vibrator, or just to change up what you’re doing.

Thanks to Honey Play Box for sponsoring this post. All views and experiences are my own!

Header image for Lovehoney pleasure balm review from adult advent calendar

Lovehoney Sex Toy Advent Calendar Door #16: Menthol Pleasure Balm

Published on by AmyLeave a comment

Update 04/03/22: this product is seasonal only and has been discontinued. Individual components may still be available.

With only 9 days of the Lovehoney “Best Sex of Your Life” advent calendar to go, I feel like we’re into the home stretch now. If you haven’t caught up yet, check out whole review series to see the hits, the misses, and the “meh”s.

Now, though, it’s time to open Door #16…

Door #16: Menthol Pleasure Balm

Tin of Lovehoney menthol pleasure balm

Behind Door #16 is a small tin of Lovehoney’s menthol “pleasure balm”. The idea is that when you apply a small amount to external erogenous zones, such as the clitoris or nipples, it increases sensitivity to enhance your pleasure. It’s very similar to the Bliss Orgasm Balm I reviewed last year.

Lovehoney’s pleasure balm is made of primarily plant-derived ingredients including sweet almond oil, grape seed oil, shea butter, cocoa, avocado oil, and wheat extract. It does also contain beeswax, so you might want to avoid this one if you’re vegan. I’m not a scientist by any stretch, but I can’t see anything alarming from a health or safety perspective in the ingredients list as long as you don’t have any allergies or sensitivities to any of the ingredients.

Tin of Lovehoney orgasm balm

Everyone will react differently to things like this. It works really well for me! The cool, tingly sensation is quite intense and it definitely makes my clitoral orgasms both easier to reach and more explosive. It’s not a magic cure-all for orgasm difficulties, of course. But if a little extra sensitivity helps you, then this could be just the thing. And of course, even if you don’t struggle to orgasm, it can always be fun to play with new and different sensations!

You only get 7g in the tin, but a little goes a long way with this stuff. I really only needed a small dab to get the full effects. It also lasts well, so constant reapplication isn’t necessary.

The pleasure balm has a white creamy consistency that melts to an oily liquid when you rub it between your fingers or massage it into your skin. It has a distinctive but pleasant minty smell. Be aware that if you’re using it during oral sex, you’ll definitely be able to taste it. It’s for external use only, so don’t use it inside your vagina or butt.

My biggest complaint? The little tin is really hard to open! I’ve found that squeezing it between my palms and then twisting is the best way. But struggling to open a tin without interrupting the flow of your sex or masturbation session is a pain.

Otherwise? Love this stuff. I’ll definitely be buying more when this little tin runs out.

The Best Sex of Your Life advent calendar retails for £120, and you can get 10% off this or any other Lovehoney order by using my code “coffkink10” at checkout. The calendars are limited in quantity, so get yours in plenty of time if you want one.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending us the Best Sex of Your Life couples’ sex toy advent calendar to review. All views are our own. Affiliate links appear in this post and shopping through them helps to keep the site going!

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[Guest Post] How CBD Lube Changed My Sex Life When My Body Forgot How to Orgasm by Hattie Gladwell

Published on by AmyLeave a comment

Today’s guest post comes from Hattie Gladwell (she/her,) a freelance journalist whose work I have been reading and enjoying for a while. This is her first piece for C&K.

I loved this story because struggles with orgasm are so, so common, especially for cis women and other people with vulvas. The limited cultural narratives around sex can make us feel that we should all be having the most amazing sex, all the time and without ever talking about it.

Those same narratives push the idea that if we’re with the right partner, sex and orgasm will be easy and effortless, and that any use of additional tools (such as toys or lube) indicate failure. But as we can see from Hattie’s story, those things can be game changers in the best possible way.

Enjoy!

Amy x

How CBD Lube Changed My Sex Life When My Body Forgot How to Orgasm

I was in a sexless relationship for almost six years. It was difficult not just physically, but mentally, too. I wanted an intimate relationship, but sadly he wasn’t interested. Of course, I thought it was me. That something was wrong with me. I changed how I looked constantly to see if maybe he’d start loving me again, but the relationship had been dead for years. 

When we first got together, I was able to orgasm easily and quickly. Multiple times. Having an orgasm had never been a concern to me. I’d always had a good sex life before the relationship, and during the first year. But everything changed, and I don’t know why. 

When we finally broke up and I walked away from the stale relationship, I met somebody new quickly. My family and friends warned me that it was too early, that I needed to heal. But I had already done my healing over the last six months of the relationship—because I knew it was coming to an end. 

It was incredible to have sex with someone new. I mean, it was incredible just to have sex again. But, I couldn’t orgasm. It made me feel bad because I didn’t want my new partner to think it was him. My body just forgot what an orgasm felt like, and I couldn’t do it anymore. 

When I tried to get there, it was even more impossible, because I was putting myself under too much pressure. It wasn’t until I decided to “re-discover myself” alone, learning what I liked and didn’t like, and what made me tick, that finally, I came to climax again. 

I decided to show my partner what I liked, and it worked—but it still took me up to an hour to get there, and sometimes I couldn’t at all. It was frustrating and I felt resentment towards my ex because I felt like I had no control over my body.

I could only come during mutual masturbation. Never during sex. Which is annoying, because I want to reach orgasm when my partner does. It feels more intimate. It makes me feel closer. 

That’s where the CBD lube comes in. 

There are lots of CBD lubes out there, even though not that many people know about them. Of course, most people have heard about CBD and the common belief that it helps with chronic pain. But it can also help with sensitivity of the vulva, as it is absorbed through the tissues.

I was sceptical, but decided to try Dani Pepper’s “O” orgasm enhancer.

It comes in a bottle that looks just like regular, non-CBD lube, and is transparent. It’s made using organic and natural ingredients, and is water-based, meaning it’s okay to use with latex. 

I sat down with my partner and talked about using the lube, and he agreed. He was just as adamant about getting my orgasms back on track as I was. 

That night, we had sex. But before we did, we did what we usually do, and he tried to get me off. I decided to do it during mutual masturbation because I wanted my body to get used to the CBD lube in a way that I knew might just make me come. 

He put the lube on me, and within 15 minutes I started to feel more relaxed. I wasn’t worried about climaxing. I decided that it didn’t matter if I didn’t orgasm this time—I could always try again. 

But I did come. Quickly. Intensely. The most extraordinary orgasm I have ever had. 

It lasted for at least 10 seconds, and afterwards, my legs were shaking and I couldn’t speak through breathlessness. 

What I also loved is how calm I felt afterwards. I continued to feel this really relaxing sensation. Sex afterwards was amazing because, even though I can’t come through penetration still, it made us both feel accomplished. Knowing I’d “got there” meant there were no frustrated vibes after having sex—or masturbating for an hour. 

I always use the lube now; every time we have sex. It’s my go-to, and I of course have more than one bottle at a time so that I can keep myself stocked up. 

CBD lube, and specifically Dani Pepper’s orgasm enhancer, has been a game-changer for me. Not just because of the incredibly intense orgasms, but because it has brought me closer to my partner sexually. I feel like our sex life is way more intimate now, and I never feel like I’m missing out. And I won’t ever again.

About the Author

Hattie Gladwell is a journalist and editor from Sussex. She is passionate about raising awareness of mental health issues, and mainly writes about sex, relationships, parenting and mental illness.

Product recommendation is the writer’s own and is not an affiliate link.

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[Review] Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm

Published on by Amy4 Comments

I admit that I am sceptical when it comes to products that aren’t sex toys but claim to boost the chances of orgasm. However, I am also a curious creature and willing to try most things once. So when this little tin of Bliss Orgasm Balm from Lovehoney appeared in my shipment of Masturbation May products, I thought it was high time I gave it a go.

Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm

What is Bliss Orgasm Balm?

Bliss is a topical balm designed to increase sensitivity in the clitoris. It comes in a small heart-shaped tin and is white in colour and has a creamy consistency that melts onto your fingers – similar to a lip balm.

Bliss Orgasm Balm is infused with peppermint, menthol and essential oils. These ingredients stimulate the nerve-endings in the clitoris and encourage blood flow to the area, increasing sensitivity.

Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm

Is it body-safe?

To answer this question, I took a closer look at the ingredients.

  • Argania Spinosa (Argan) Kernel Oil. A natural oil commonly used in cosmetics, make-up and skincare products. It has been shown to have beneficial properties for the skin and is considered safe.
  • Hydrogenated Olive Oil (and) Olea Europaea (Olive) Fruit Oil. We all know olive oil has health benefits when used in food, but it is also a common ingredient in skincare and cosmetics. These forms of olive oil were investigated by the Cosmetics Ingredients Review and declared safe.
  • Hydrogenated Jojoba wax. Jojoba oil and jojoba wax were investigated by the International Journal of Toxicology and proven safe for cosmetic use. (Warning: link contains mentions of animal testing.)
  • Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea Butter). An incredibly common ingredient in skincare and cosmetic products. The Cosmetic Ingredients Review investigated shea butter and found it to be safe.
  • Menthol. Menthol is widely used for its distinctive minty fragrane and the cooling sensation it creates on the skin. The FDA has found it to be safe for these purposes and also in food.
  • Tocopherol. Tocopherol is a form of Vitamin E, typically derived from vegetable oils. The Cosmetic Ingredient Review and International Journal of Toxicology concluded that it is safe for topical use.
  • Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil. An essential oil derived from the peppermint plant, the Cosmetic Ingredient Review determined that peppermint oil is safe as long as the concentration of the compound pulegone does not exceed 1%.

In conclusion? Every ingredient in this little balm has been declared safe for topical (external) use by experts. Full marks, Lovehoney! Unless you’re allergic or sensitive to any of the ingredients, you can use Bliss Orgasm Balm with confidence.

How do you use it?

You may look at this tiny little tin and think, “is that all you get?” But believe me when I say you only need a little bit to make this stuff effective!

Dab a small amount onto your fingers and massage into your clitoral area. It can be quite intense, so start off cautiously – if you want a more intense sensation or aren’t getting the desired effect, you can always add more.

From there, continue to masturbate or have sex as you normally would.

Remember: Bliss Orgasm Balm is for external use only. Don’t put it inside your vagina or butt.

What does it feel like?

Have you ever used “cooling” or “tingling” lube? It’s a bit like that, only more intense! If you’ve ever put toothpaste on your genital area (which is something I don’t recommend, but a lot of people do) this is a similar sensation – and safer!

The best way I can describe it is as a cool tingly sensation when the balm first goes on. Then, as your body gets used to it, the initial sensation fades but you’re left with a higher than usual level of clitoral sensitivity.

Does it work?

Yes – with caveats.

If you struggle to orgasm, don’t expect Bliss Orgasm Balm to be a cure-all. It isn’t. But it definitely does heighten sensitivity, which can absolutely help when it comes to inducing orgasm. I also suspect it might act as something of a placebo for some people – you expect the balm to help, so you feel more relaxed and less stressed, so having an orgasm is easier.

I absolutely recommend trying a product like this if you find orgasm difficult. But manage your expectations going in, yeah?

If you don’t generally struggle to orgasm but are just looking for some extra sensitivity or a fun way to play with sensations, you might well enjoy using Bliss Orgasm Balm.

Some extra fun ways to play…

As ever, there’s no right way to use sexuality products and you should do whatever works for you. But I found a few fun ways to use Bliss Orgasm Balm that might appeal to some of you.

  • Put some on before you get dressed in the morning to give you a little tingle of arousal as you go about your day.
  • Use it during oral sex and have your partner gently blow on your vulva. This will send cool minty tingles through you!
  • Put some on and then start watching porn or reading erotica and see how long you can wait before you simply have to touch yourself. (Or order your submissive to put some on and then not touch!)
  • Use it to increase clitoral pleasure during penetrative sex. This greatly enhances the chance of orgasm for most vulva owning people!

So do I recommend it?

I rate this product a lot more highly than I expected to! I really liked the tingly sensations, the extra level of sensitivity, and the fun variety it added to my solo playtime. I’m also seeing some great potential in it for kink and power exchange play and I’m looking forward to experimenting more with my partner.

At just £9.99/$12.99 for a 20g tin (which will last you ages – remember you only need a little bit) it’s a steal. Throw some in your next Lovehoney order!

Thank you to Lovehoney for sharing this product with me in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links appear in this post. All views are, as always, my own. Pictures property of Lovehoney and reproduced with permission. I’m partnering with Lovehoney throughout May to bring you #MasturbationMay reviews and content!

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Masturbation Monday: Three Ways to Explore Masturbating With Your Partner

Published on by Amy3 Comments

Masturbating together is a hugely underrated sex act, in my opinion. The overwhelming majority of us are our own first, last and only truly lifelong sexual partner, so no-one knows what we like quite like we do!

Despite this, many of us forget that mutual masturbation can be a wonderful way to explore sex with a partner – or consider it “not real sex.” So today I want to give you three possible ways to explore masturbating together, and why you might want to try them.

Show your partner what you like

This works well in newer relationships where you don’t know each other’s bodies well yet, but is equally wonderful for more established relationships – particularly if you feel stuck in a sexual rut or one of you isn’t feeling as satisfied as you’d like.

Masturbating in front of your partner shows them, in intimate detail, how you like to be touched. This could involve them touching you too, mimicing your movements until they get it just right, or just watching and taking mental notes.

Does this sound cold and clinical to you? It doesn’t need to be! Imagine your partner lying back and spreading their legs, their eyes closing in bliss as they give themselves pleasure. Imagine them saying something like, “I like to have my clit rubbed in little circles like this…” or “I really like someone gripping the base of my cock hard. Don’t worry about hurting me, I’m into it.” Super fucking hot, no?

Talking about what you like in bed is hot. Showing your partner what you like can be even better.

Putt on a sexy show

Is there anything hotter than seeing your partner’s pleasure up close and personal? Masturbating for your partner can be an incredibly hot way to put on a sexy show for them.

Some people find it sexy to exaggerate their moans and movements in this context for their partner’s enjoyment. Others like to simply lose themselves in the pleasure and let their partner see them at their most raw and vulnerable. Experiment to see what works for you.

This can also work really well as part of a D/s game. As a submissive, I enjoy being told to touch myself for my partner’s amusement – especially if I’m not allowed to come (or stop) without their express permission. If you’re in a power exchange relationship or enjoy these games, try telling your partner to touch themself for your entertainment. The details are up to you – are they forbidden to come? Instructed to edge a certain number of times? Ordered to bring themself to orgasm within a specific timeframe? Have fun with it!

Explore a new fantasy together

Masturbating together can be a lower pressure way to explore a new fantasy. Interested in threesomes, bondage or watersports, but nervous to try? Touch yourselves side by side while you talk through a scenario involving your fantasy. (Frankly, even if you’re not exploring something new, masturbating together and talking through a shared fantasy is a really hot way to have lower-energy sex!)

Another way to do this is watch some porn or read some sexy erotic fiction together while you both touch yourselves.

Have you tried masturbating with your partner? Tell me in the comments or tweet me to tell me what you love about it!

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Masturbation Monday is a meme by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone is getting off to this week! This week’s prompt image is by Shelbie Rie of House of Eclipse. This post contains affiliate links, which make me a small commission if you purchase through them. You can also buy me a coffee to show your appreciation!

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Masturbation Monday: Why People in Relationships Should Still Masturbate

Published on by Amy4 Comments

One of the most enduring myths about masturbation, and one of the ones that I most wish would die, is the idea that people in relationships don’t – or shouldn’t – masturbate.

Seriously, this is such an enormous crock of bullshit.

I’m here to tell you that masturbation is healthy, natural and good for you – whether you’re partnered or single. Let’s look at some really good reasons to engage in some self-love regardless of your relationship status.

Your only lifelong sexual relationship will be with yourself

Relationships come and go. Even if you’re with one person monogamously for your entire life, there will be times when that person can’t or doesn’t want to engage in sex. For most of us, we’ll go through periods of being in relationships and periods of being single throughout our lives. But whoever else is or isn’t in our lives (and beds,) our longest and most enduring sexual relationship will always be with ourselves.

Masturbation is how we build a positive sexual relationship with ourselves. It gives us the tools to satisfy ourselves sexually without the need for anyone else. It contributes to positive sexual self-esteem, increased pleasure, and better mood. Masturbation is awesome!

Masturbation can improve your partnered sex

There’s nothing sexier than a partner who knows exactly what they like and asks for it. And you know what masturbation does? Teaches you what you like!

Exploring your own body gives you the tools to tell – or show – your partner how you like to be touched. And this isn’t a one-and-done thing, either! Remember that our bodies change throughout our lifetimes for many reasons, and that can include our sexual desires changing. Masturbation helps to keep your knowledge of your own body sharp. It also reduces fear of change in your body, because you already know how to roll with it and adapt to meet your body where it’s at.

It can take the pressure off – for both of you

Relying on one other person to meet all of your sexual needs can be a LOT of pressure for both of you. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, exploring with other people is off the table – but exploring with yourself absolutely shouldn’t be.

If having sex with your partner is the only way to get your sexual needs met, that creates an environment that is more likely to lead to coercion or pressure – even if unintentionally. But if you have a rich sexual relationship with yourself, if you’re feeling the need to get off but your partner isn’t up for sex, you can masturbate and take care of business without any pressure or resentment.

Masturbating doesn’t mean your partner is “failing” or that your sex life is bad

Something I often hear is “why does my partner need to masturbate? They have me!” This is compounded by disparaging jokes about people who masturbate after sex, about sad lonely people who masturbate because they can’t get a partner, or about people jerking off to porn when their partner is in bed because their sex life has died.

In more than 15 years of being sexually active, I’ve realised that the amount I masturbate has almost nothing to do with the amount (or, frankly, the quality) of partnered sex I’m having. Some people even report that they masturbate more when they’re having tonnes of yummy partnered sex. Orgasms beget orgasms, after all!

Your partner masturbating probably has nothing to do with you or the quality of your sex life together! Because…

Masturbation can fulfill a different need to partnered sex

Even during times when I’m having tonnes of partnered sex, I still feel the urge to masturbate. This is because it fulfills a completely different set of needs. Partnered sex is about the connection, the dynamic, the interplay between me and my partner(s) as much as it is about the physical sensations. Masturbation can be about anything from exploring new sensations in a completely pressure-free and private way, to simply getting off as quickly as possible so I can go to sleep.

Partnered sex is about both (or all) of us. Masturbation is just about me. Call it “me time,” call it “self care,” but keeping things that are just for ourselves is so important.

The bottom line is that masturbation and partnered sex are different activities and they meet different needs. I love and desire both for completely different reasons.

Your body belongs to you

A relationship is a mutual and consensual exchange between two (or more) people. It does not imply ownership over the other person, their body or their sexuality. (Unless that’s your kink – but even then you know it’s a game really, don’t you?)

Whatever your relationship status, your body is yours and you don’t need anyone’s permission to enjoy or explore it. If your partner thinks masturbation is a form of cheating, that’s a red flag for controlling behaviour and you should consider leaving. The person who tries to control your sexual relationship with yourself is likely to exhibit abusive behaviours in other areas of life.

(Again: I’m not talking about kink dynamics here – I have an orgasm control kink, after all! But the point of a kink is that it’s for fun and you have the ability to opt out of playing the game if you want to.)

No-one owns your body but you. No-one else gets to control what you can and can’t do with it.

If you have a vulva and are new to masturbation, I really recommend Jenny Block’s book The Ultimate Guide to Solo Sex.

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Masturbation Monday is a meme created and run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone else is getting off to this week! If you enjoyed this piece, please consider buying me a coffee to show your appreciation.

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Masturbation Monday: 5 Great Reasons to Wank

Published on by Amy4 Comments

I’m trying to embrace the spirit of Masturbation Monday as being for both smutty stories (things that make you want to masturbate) and essays about masturbation. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about good reasons to wank – besides the obvious “because I’m horny” – and have realised they are surprisingly diverse. So here’s five great reasons to masturbate today!

To help you fall asleep

I masturbate before bed probably five or six nights out of seven, on average. If my brain is feeling restless or my body won’t quite shut down but I need to get some sleep, a quick wank is an ideal way to help me doze off. Canadian sexuality therapist Judith Golden explains that ” because blood pressure is lowered and relaxation is increased through the release of endorphins, masturbation is a good sleeping pill.” (Source here.)

For pain relief

Back before I got an IUD, I used to suffer from absolutely debilitating menstrual cramps. They could render me virtually bedridden, unable to go about my normal tasks. Over the years, I learned that orgasm was one of the few things that really helped.

One study from the University of Münster in Germany found that 60% of their participants experienced reduced migraine symptoms as a result of engaging in sexual activity. Stefan Evers, MD, believes that this could also have to do with the endorphins released at the point of orgasm. (Source here.)

There’s much more research to be done, of course, but so far the findings seem to agree that orgasm can have a positive impact on pain levels.

To pick you up if you’re feeling down

I always joke (darkly) that I know I’m depressed if I’m masturbating more often to help me feel alive… and really depressed if I just don’t want to wank at all. Seriously, though, despite outdated nonsense about too much masturbation being bad for our emotional wellbeing, masturbation can be great as a tool for managing mental health. It’s a great self care technique, a way to show yourself some love and affection, and I’ve found that the post-wank haze breaks through the depressive fog like little else.

Phychologist Jennifer Rhodes, PsyD, suggests that “masturbation helps to release dopamine and oxytocin, the feel-good chemicals, which would help with symptoms of anxiety or depression.” (Source: here.)

To turn your partner on or to explore a different kind of sexual intimacy

Let’s get a little sexier, shall we? For many people, masturbating in front of their partner or watching their partner wank is sexy as hell. Masturbating for your partner can help to arouse them and get them in the mood for sexy time with you, as well as giving them vital information about how you’d like to be touched.

Don’t forget that masturbating together doesn’t have to lead to sexual contact with the other person or to intercourse. Masturbating side by side, or masturbating while your partner holds you, kisses you, or talks dirty to you, is sex in and of itself – and it can be amazing! Whether one of you isn’t in the mood but is happy to help the other get off, one or both of you isn’t up for sex for physical or mental health reasons, or you’re just feeling like a relaxed session of getting yourselves off, shared masturbation is consistently underrated. Try it!

To learn more about your body

It’s a sex education cliche, but it’s also true that it’s much harder to show a partner how to please you sexually if you don’t know how to please yourself. Masturbation is a brilliant way to explore your own body, your arousal and responses and desires, in a safe and low-pressure way. Whether you’re not having partnered sex yet (or don’t want to ever!) or have been having regular sex for decades, there are endless new things we can learn about ourselves. This is especially true because our bodies change as we age.

Jenny Block writes that “masturbating allows you to stay in touch with your body – how it feels, how it likes to be touched, what brings you pleasure. Your body is yours. It’s your place, your home, your pleasure. It is your right and honour to enjoy it. Sharing it can be a wonderful thing. But if we don’t masturbate, we risk becoming someone else’s vision of ourselves and not remaining true to our desires.” (Source: Block, The Ultimate Guide to Solo Sex, p. 85.)

Have you found great reasons to wank beyond the obvious one? Tweet me or share in the comments!

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Masturbation Monday is a meme owned and run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone else is getting off to this week, or check out all my previous MM stories and essays! If you enjoyed this story, please consider buying me a coffee.