Tag: orgasm

Header image for a post about being unable to climax featuring wisteria flowers. Text reads: if you related to Francesca Bridgerton's orgasm difficulties you're not alone

If You Related to Francesca Bridgerton’s Orgasm Difficulties, You’re Not Alone

Published on by Amy

Season 4 of Netflix’s Bridgerton, based on the book series of the same name by Julia Quinn, focuses primarily on the love story between Benedict Bridgerton and Sophie Baek. However, the subplot follows Francesca Bridgerton and her new husband, John Stirling, as they navigate sexual challenges in their marriage. Specifically, Francesca experiences orgasm difficulties: she’s unable to climax and she never has.

Fair warning: this post contains spoilers for Bridgerton, including the recently-dropped first half of Season 4.

Francesca, who has been married and trying for a baby for several months, doesn’t even know what an orgasm (or “pinnacle,” as they euphemistically call it) is. I found this storyline refreshing in a series that has given us a lot of “zero-to-fucking-in-ten-seconds” and “all simultaneous orgasms from penetration all the time” sex scenes.

People who have never experienced challenges with pleasure or been unable to climax might write this off as a product of the times. But if, in relatively sexually liberated 2026, you related to Francesca’s difficulties with orgasm? You’re not alone.

What Francesca’s Orgasm Difficulties Says About Sex Education

A recurring theme in the Bridgerton universe is women entering married life without a single clue about sex or their bodies. From Simon lying to Daphne about his “inability” to have children (when he’s actually just using the notoriously-unreliable pull-out method) to Eloise and Penelope wondering how an unmarried woman could become pregnant so that they can prevent it from happening to them, the naivety of these characters may be exaggerated for television but points to something real: in many times and places throughout history, a lack of basic knowledge about sex and their bodies helped to keep women in a place of powerlessness.

Things are no longer so bleak for young women, of course, and not just because our families aren’t generally marrying us off when we’re barely out of our teens. Most of us receive at least some education about the physical mechanics of sex, however incomplete and heteronormative that education may be. If all else fails, we can turn to the internet with questions like “how does a lady come to be with child?” (Love you Eloise.) But in a different way, misinformation and a lack of comprehensive sex education is still harming people of all genders.

How much time did your sex education curriculum dedicate to pleasure? If it was anything like mine, very little if any at all. In my school, the boys learned about female masturbation but the girls didn’t. Make that make sense. (Hint: it’s misogyny.) The messaging the girls received? That boys would pressure us for sex and it was our job to say no. That sex meant unwanted pregnancies and STIs, not pleasure. It wasn’t quite “don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant… and die,” but it wasn’t far off.

Mention of the clitoris? Completely absent. I learned of its existence from a slightly older friend who talked very openly about her masturbation habits. I have to assume no-one taught us about women’s pleasure for one of two reasons: an assumption it wasn’t important, or a fear that it would make us want to have sex, undermining the “don’t do it” messaging.

But when we don’t learn about pleasure, we don’t know how to get it. More importantly, we don’t internalise the message that we deserve it. This insidious messaging leads people, and especially people with vulvas, to endure unsatisfying sex, feel obligated to fake orgasms, and minimise pain during sex.

Orgasm Difficulties Are Super Common

Very few people will come every time they have sex. Not being able to get there occasionally is not, generally, a cause for concern. But anorgasmia, or the persistent inability to reach orgasm even with extensive sexual stimulation, is far more common than you might think.

According to the Cleveland Clinic, up to 15% of cis women report never having had an orgasm (primary anorgasmia) and far more struggle with orgasm at least some of the time. The numbers for cis men are lower, with around 10% reporting orgasm difficulties according to San Diego Sexual Medicine. One study suggested that around 1.5 men in 1000 suffers from primary anorgasmia.

For trans women and trans men, rates of orgasm difficulties were 29% and 15% respectively according to one study. I haven’t been able to find any reliable statistics on non-binary people specifically.

What Causes Anorgasmia or Struggles with Orgasm?

The short and perhaps unhelpful answer is “it depends.” In no particular order, some of the possible causes can include:

  • Insufficient stimulation or the wrong kind of stimulation
  • Many medications including SSRI antidepressants and blood pressure medications
  • Hormonal changes (for example, due to menopause, pregnancy, or breastfeeding)
  • Physical health conditions (including both acute and chronic illness)
  • Pain during sex (which itself has many potential causes)
  • Mental health challenges such as depression, anxiety, and stress
  • Relationship issues such as conflict or lack of trust
  • A history of sexual abuse or assault
  • A strict, restrictive upbringing
  • Poor self-esteem or body image
  • Substance use
  • Fatigue
  • Ironically, too much pressure to get there (either from yourself or your partner)

What’s Wrong with Me If I’m Unable to Climax!?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

One of the most touching scenes in Bridgerton Season 4 is when Francesca confides in John that not only did she just fake an orgasm, but she’s never had one. My heart broke for her when she blamed her lack of orgasm for their fertility struggles, saying “forgive me, I do not know what is wrong with me.” Sweet and supportive man that he is, he reassures her that there’s nothing wrong with her and that she, and their relationship, are already just right.

So in case you need to hear the same, I’ll say it again. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re not broken. You’re just struggling with something that is actually incredibly common.

Do Orgasm Difficulties Mean There’s Something Wrong with My Relationship?

Not necessarily!

Many people believe that sexual problems in a relationship mean that there’s something inherently wrong with the relationship itself. But this often isn’t the case. As we established already, anorgasmia and orgasm difficulties can happen for all kinds of reasons. Relationship difficulties are one possible cause, and something you might want to examine if your orgasm problems started during a challenging time for your relationship. But there isn’t necessarily a correlation and even if you determine that there is, it doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship is doomed.

If I’m Unable to Climax, Does It Mean I Don’t Really Fancy My Partner?

Again, no, not necessarily.

In Bridgerton, Francesca has been set up as a queer character who has feelings for her husband’s cousin, Michaela (this change was made for the TV series; in the original book, Michaela was Michael.) However, this doesn’t necessarily mean she doesn’t feel love or attraction for her husband. She could very well be somewhere under the bisexual or pansexual umbrella. In fact, the showrunners have explicitly stated that viewers shouldn’t interpret Francesca’s orgasm difficulties as related to her sexuality.

Of course, problems with sex and orgasm do lead some people to realise they’re not attracted to their partner. This could be because their sexuality is different than they assumed, or because that particular relationship has run its course. But being unable to climax is really common even amongst people who are wildly physically and sexually attracted to their partners. In and of themselves, orgasm difficulties don’t say anything about your attraction to your partner.

So What Now?

If Francesca’s story struck a chord with you… me too. I’ve had plenty of orgasm difficulties throughout my sexual history, from stress-induced loss of desire to pressure-induced faking it to medication-induced anorgasmia.

Bridgerton is not a series that aims for realism. At its heart, it is pseudo-Regency softcore smut, and that’s fine. None of us are watching it for a history lesson. But truth is often wrapped in fiction. And Francesca’s storyline this season highlighted something many of us will relate to.

I’m going to write another post soon about practical strategies for dealing with orgasm difficulties. This one, though, is just to reassure you that if you’re unable to climax (sometimes or always), you’re not alone. You’re not broken. And you’re just right, just as you are.

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[Better Sex Products Review] Bijoux Indiscrets Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer

Published on by Amy

An orgasm enhancer is a balm, cream, or gel that you apply to your genitals to increase sensitivity. At least in theory and for some people, they can improve the likelihood, speed, frequency, and intensity of orgasms. I received Bijoux Indiscrets‘ new Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer to test and review.

Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer: Details

Bijoux Indiscrets Aphrodisia orgasm enhancer

The Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer is a water-based product that contains a long list of primarily plant-based ingredients. I Googled the ones I’m not familiar with, and they are all generally regarded as safe for cosmetic use. (Though I don’t love the use of “parfum”, which is non-specific and can refer to any combination of over 3000 ingredients. This is standard practice for cosmetics and personal care products, unfortunately.) If you have allergies or sensitivities, always check the ingredients list carefully.

In terms of active ingredients, I suspect the menthyl lactate is doing a lot of the work in this product. Derived from menthol, this ingredient is commonly used as a cooling agent in cosmetics and provides a tingly sensation when applied to the skin. This effect is particularly strong on sensitive areas much as the genitals, and the clitoris in particular.

All the products in this range are so beautifully packaged, with a black and gold colour scheme and floral motifs. Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer comes in a small tube that resembles a lipgloss or mascara and has a pump top applicator.

Like all of Bijoux Indiscrets’ products, the Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer is vegan.

Do Orgasm Enhancers Work?

An orgasm enhancer like Bijoux Indiscrets Aphrodisia is not a magic bullet. The right one can boost sensitivity and responsiveness and can help you to experience more intense sensations. There might even be a little bit of a placebo effect going on: you think the balm is going to help, so you feel more relaxed and receptive, so you experience more pleasure.

However, an orgasm enhancer (no matter how good) cannot overcome many of the issues that can get in the way of pleasure and orgasm – stress, anxiety, depression, body image struggles, physical pain or discomfort, lack of trust or safety in a relationship, poor communication, or sexual acts that simply don’t work for you.

These products also don’t work the same way for everyone, and different bodies respond to different ingredients. If one orgasm enhancer doesn’t work for you, a different one might.

All this to say, go in with realistic expectations. An orgasm enhancer isn’t going to cure all your sexual woes. What it might be able to do is help you to experience more pleasure, transform a good experience into a great one, or give you that little extra push to get over the edge of climax.

How Does This Product Smell, Taste, and Feel?

Bijoux Indiscrets’ Aphrodisia range has a distinctive scent that all the products share. It’s a pleasant, floral-yet-sexy scent made up primarily of rose, ylang ylang, and jasmine.

Bijoux Indiscrets Aphrodisia orgasm enhancer

I have mixed views about using something perfumed on my genitals. I’m generally averse to doing so because a lot of the ingredients that go into scents aren’t necessarily the healthiest for a vulva. You only need a tiny amount of Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer to get the effects though, and it’s only used externally, so it’s probably fine unless you have an allergy or sensitivity. I have used it several times now and haven’t experienced any irritation or other issues.

The scent lingers long after application, so you might want to have a bath or a wash afterwards (or, honestly, just go around smelling of flowers all day—the scent is lovely enough that you absolutely can, and no-one who caught a whiff of it would know it was a sex product.)

I will say that you probably don’t want to use this stuff for oral sex. You know when you spritz on perfume, and then you breathe in at the wrong moment or realise your mouth was open a bit and you can sort of taste it? Yeah, it tastes like that.

The Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer is white in colour and has a thin texture that reminds me of water-based lube. It’s not oily or sticky, and once it is massaged in it doesn’t leave any unpleasant tacky feeling or residue.

Does Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer Work?

I tried the Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer at a time when I was desiring pleasure and orgasm in theory, but really struggling to actually access them in practice (trying to have sex or masturbate while getting through the worst heartbreak of your life is a fucking ride, y’all.)

When I applied Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer to my clit, I started noticing its effects almost immediately. Within 30 seconds there was a noticeable warming, tingling sensation. The sensation was enjoyable and pulled my attention straight to my clit. It’s not exactly a magical “instant horny” concoction, but it took my arousal level from “I feel like an orgasm might be nice in theory but I’m not sure I can be bothered” to “yes I would like to get off now please.”

The effect lasted well, meaning I did not need to reapply it. If you were having a lengthy sex or masturbation session, you might want to top it up occasionally, but you only need a little bit to get the effect.

In terms of the impact it had on my orgasm, the Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer definitely worked! It boosted my sensitivity and made me even more eager to be touched. I also found it helped me to get wet, which has been a challenge recently.

Was it a miracle cure for the intrusive thoughts of the person who recently broke my heart that keep popping into my head when I’m trying to get off? No, of course not. But did it help me to push through and get out of my head and into my body at least a little bit. It also helped me to reach orgasm more quickly than I’ve been able to recently.

Pro tip: I find that Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer pairs particularly well with clitoral suction toys!

Verdict

If you don’t mind the noticeable floral scent, this stuff is excellent! Clitoral balms have earned a permanent place in my easy grab-basket of sex supplies that lives by my bed, and this is a worthy addition to the collection.

Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer retails for £15/€16/$18. You only get 13ml but since you need such a small amount each time, a tube should last you a while.

Thanks to Bijoux Indiscrets for sending me the Aphrodisia Orgasm Enhancer to try. All views are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this post.

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What is Mindful Masturbation and How Can It Benefit Your Sex Life?

Published on by Amy

It’s no secret that I am a big fan of masturbation in all its forms. I believe it should be promoted, celebrated, taught as part of sex education, and totally destigmatised. There are countless ways to have solo sex, and none of them are better or worse than any others. Are you having fun without harming yourself or anyone else? Congratulations, you’re doing it right. Today I wanted to introduce you to one possible self-pleasure tool you may not be aware of. Let’s talk mindful masturbation and explore how mindfulness can benefit both your solo and partnered sex life.

What is Mindfulness?

To understand mindful masturbation, we first have to understand mindfulness. In short, mindfulness is all about being present and in the moment.

Many people practice mindfulness meditations, but these don’t work for everyone (they don’t work for me at all, which I think is because I have ADHD.) You can also incorporate it into your day to day life. One of my favourite forms of “meditation” is actually doing something with my hands, such as knitting, colouring, or putting something together and paying attention to how it feels. Simply taking a moment to notice your body, its sensations, your surroundings, and your reaction to those surroundings is a mindfulness practice.

The potential benefits of mindfulness can include stress reduction, improved focus, enhanced self-awareness, and better emotional regulation. It’s not the magic pill some have made it out to be, of course, but it’s a great addition to your mental health and self-care toolbox.

What is Mindful Masturbation and How Do You Do It?

Mindful masturbation, then, is all about being present in your body while you touch yourself. Stay curious and exploratory – it can help to imagine that you’re touching yourself as you’d touch a new lover when you don’t know their body super well yet. You’d experiment, try things out, and stay open to feedback. Do the same thing for yourself and let yourself be surprised.

Mindfulness is also about encouraging your thoughts to stay in the moment. Each time you find your mind wandering, kindly but firmly guide it back. Breathe deeply, ask yourself how you feel, and observe your body and mind’s responses without judgement.

Finally, try to take the focus away from orgasm. If you cum during your session, great! If you don’t, that’s fine, too! The point is to move away from goal-centered masturbation into a more exploratory and pleasure-centric frame of mind.

Whether you choose to use your hands, sex toys, or a mixture of the two is completely your choice. I’m personally an advocate for using both as they can allow you to experience a wide array of different sensations. Why not pick up a new sex toy? For long, slow, luxurious masturbation sessions, I love clit suction toys such as the Flowliper, a new and beginner-friendly clitoral toy with a unique “dynamic pulse” function from Tracy’s Dog.

How Can Mindful Masturbation Benefit Your Sex Life?

No matter your gender, orientation, or relationship status, touching yourself mindfully can help you to tune into your body, get to know your desires, and improve your sex life. Here are just a few of the ways it can benefit you.

Practice Mindfulness During Masturbation to Learn More About How You Experience Pleasure

Mindful masturbation isn’t about getting off and getting on with your day as quickly as possible. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that type of masturbation! I’m a big fan, in fact, at times. But that’s not what we’re doing here.) Since you’re chasing pleasure without necessarily having the explicit goal of orgasm in mind, you can take your time to try things out and touch your body in different ways. You might be surprised what you learn!

Mindful Masturbation as a Stress Reduction Technique

Mindfulness has been shown to reduce stress for many people. Guess what? So has masturbation! So combining the two has the potential to give you a powerful stress-buster. Take the time to touch yourself mindfully even just a few times a week, and you might start feeling calmer and more centered throughout the day.

Mindfulness Can Help You to Reach Better and More Frequent Orgasms During Masturbation and Sex

I know I just said that orgasm wasn’t the goal here – and it doesn’t have to be. But if you do want to get off, practicing mindful masturbation can help you to have more frequent, stronger, and easier to reach orgasms. This is because you’re more present in your pleasure and turning away from distractions, and because you’re likely learning new ways to enjoy your body.

Paradoxically, taking the focus off orgasm—particularly if you ever struggle to come—can be one of the best ways to help you get there.

New Skills to Bring Back to Partnered Sex

Masturbation is wonderful regardless of whether you’re in a relationship. And, of course, not everyone who masturbates has (or wants to have) partnered sex. But if partnered sex is a part of your life, mindful self-pleasure can teach you all kinds of new skills and tricks to bring back to your partner(s.) This can include new ways you like to be touched, but also skills such as staying present in the moment and waving away distracting thoughts that get in the way of your pleasure.

Self-Pleasure as Self-Care

Unfortunately and despite the fact that almost everyone does it at least occasionally, masturbation is still heavily stigmatised, especially for women. However, I firmly believe that masturbation is a form of self-care. It feels great, has no negative repercussions, and doesn’t require much beyond a little time and privacy to explore. If you ever struggle with shame around masturbation, or even if you don’t but have treated it in a perfunctory way until now, then mindfully masturbating can be a great way to shift it towards more of a holistic self-love and self-care practice.

Thanks to Tracy’s Dog for sponsoring this post! All views, as always, are mine.

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[Lube Review] Morgasm CBD Lube

Published on by Amy

Two things you’ll know about me if you have been reading my work for some time: I am both highly curious and highly cynical. This means that, when I hear about a cool new sex thing, my train of thought is roughly “well, it’s probably not all it’s cracked up to be… but damn I want to try it and find out!” Enter CBD lubricant, which (along with CBD products in general) has been having a major moment over the last couple years. Specifically, today I’m testing and reviewing Morgasm’s CBD lube.

You might remember this guest post by Hattie Gladwell from back in 2021 in which she shared how CBD lubricant helped her to overcome orgasm difficulties. After that, how could I not be excited to try it myself?

Cannabidiol (CBD) is one of the main components of cannabis and comes from hemp (a cousin of the marijuana plant.) CBD is available in various forms: oils, extracts, capsules, and so on. It’s been infused into numerous products, from foods and drinks to health and beauty products and more. Including, yes – lube. Morgasm is just one of the numerous companies now making CBD products.

CBD does not contain tetrahydrocannabinol (THC), the psychoactive ingredient in cannabis that causes a “high.” This means that it is legal in many places even where cannabis is not, including here in the UK (within certain parameters.)

According to Harvard Health, CBD is generally safe for adults. However, it can produce adverse interactions with some medications (check with your doctor). CBD may also cause side effects in a small number of people, and is not advised for use by anyone under 21.

(How) Does CBD Lube Work?

The answer to “does CBD lube work?” is “maybe.” The answer to “how does CBD lube work?” is “we’re not sure.”

CBD has been cited as a miracle remedy for countless problems from chronic pain to low mood and insomnia. But does it do much or is it all an expensive placebo? In some specific areas, the positive data points in CBD’s favour are beginning to stack up. In others, however, the evidence just isn’t there yet. The science of CBD and its effectiveness is still in its infancy. This means there’s a lot about it we don’t know, and that includes about its impact (if any) on arousal, pleasure, and sex.

Much of the evidence I could find for the effectiveness of CBD lube was anecdotal. Obviously, this anecdotal evidence is far from conclusive (the plural of “anecdote” is not “data.”) However, there’s enough of it out there that it’s at least worth more than a passing glance.

Morgasm claims that its CBD lube can increase sensitivity, increase feelings of relaxation, heighten sensation during orgasm, and decrease pain during penetrative sex.

Some believe CBD may increase blood flow to the body’s tissues, including in the genital area. This may help to increase natural lubrication for people with vulvas and assist with erectile issues for people with penises. Others believe CBD aids in relaxation, which leads to better sex, or that its anti-inflammatory properties may reduce pain.

The extent to which any of this is a placebo and the extent to which the CBD is actually having a direct effect, though? Debatable. Significantly more research is needed to fill the enormous gaps in CBD’s evidence base.

Morgasm CBD Lube: What’s In It?

Morgasm’s CBD lube is a water-based product infused with 250mg of full-spectrum CBD per 60ml. Full spectrum CBD “contains multiple cannabis plant extracts, including essential oils, terpenes, and other cannabinoids, such as cannabinol,” according to Medical News Today. It may also contain trace amounts of THC, though in quantities too small to have any psychoactive effects. Be aware that there are different legal limits for THC content in different jurisdictions. In the US, it’s 0.3% under federal law, while in the UK it’s 0.2%.

Morgasm CBD lube also contains an array of plant-based and hypoallergenic ingredients including mentha piperita (peppermint leaf extract), the amino acid L-Arginine, aloe vera, and vanilla extract. Check out the ingredients breakdown for a full list of what’s in Morgasm lube and what each ingredient does.

Morgasm CBD lube ingredients

Morgasm CBD lube is vegan, cruelty-free, paraben-free, and organic. It is safe for use with both latex and non-latex barriers as well as all body-safe toy materials.

I don’t love that Morgasm’s lube contains glycerin, even organic vegetable glycerin. Many experts, including those at institutions such as Stanford OB/GYN and the Cleveland Clinic, state that glycerin can contribute to yeast infections. I’m not particularly prone to them but I have a personal rule against using glycerin-containing products internally for the sake of my vaginal health. You’ll need to make your own risk assessment based on your body and preferences. For that reason, I proceeded with testing Morgasm CBD lube only on the outside of my vulva.

Morgasm CBD Lube Review: First Impressions:

I had two initial reactions to Morgasm’s CBD lube when I first opened my sample:

  1. It smells gorgeous! It has a distinctive but not overpowering tangy, subtly minty scent. That’s probably the peppermint leaf at work. Taste-wise, that tang and slight sweetness comes through, too.
  2. It’s a really, really weird colour! It comes out of the tube in a sort of beige-brown. I initially wondered if my sample was off but no, that’s just the colour it is. It’s not noticeable once it’s applied to the body, but it was jarring at first. I’m used to lube being clear, or white at a push.
Woman's hand with a smear of Morgasm CBD lube

So How Did It Feel?

I cannot overstate the cynicism with which I approached this product. I set out to write this Morgasm CBD lube review fully assuming that my reaction was going to be an underwhelmed “well, it’s lube, so… that’s good I guess?”

So imagine my shock and delight when it actually did something for me.

I applied the lube a few minutes before I was planning to masturbate, as the information I’d read indicated that topically-applied CBD can take a while to kick in. I was slightly aroused when I started, but I could feel my vulva and clitoris getting really sensitive really quickly once I applied the lube.

When I started touching myself, I couldn’t believe how sensitive I was. The best way I can describe it is that it felt like I’d shortcutted the build-up, essentially arriving at the “every nerve ending quivering” state that normally comes from protracted arousal building, anticipation, or edging.

The bottom line is that I came really hard and really fast.

Again, I have no way to conclusively prove or disprove that this effect was caused by the CBD. It could have been a direct effect, or it could have been any of the other ingredients. Mint, for example, is commonly used in arousal-enhancing products for the cooling and tingling sensation it provides. It could have been the combination, or it could have been a placebo effect despite my cynicism. There’s no way to know for sure.

But I’m left asking myself: if something works, does the “why” actually matter all that much? Whatever the cause, the orgasm I had was real. And when something helps me to come that hard and that quickly, I’m going to take the win.

Morgasm CBD Lube isn’t too sticky and doesn’t leave a horrible tacky residue on my hands.

Morgasm CBD Lube Review: Verdict

Official product image of a green tube of lubricant for Morgasm CBD lube review
Image: Morgasm

I don’t really understand how it worked, I only know that it did. This stuff helped me to reach one of the strongest (not to mention fastest) orgasms I’ve had in quite some time.

The one downside? Like most CBD products, it’s seriously pricey. Morgasm CBD lube retails for a slightly eyewatering $54 for a single 60ml tube. You can save by buying in bulk packs of 2, 3, 4, or 10 tubes, but it’s still an expensive product.

It should tell you how much I liked this product that I am seriously considering splashing out on a full-size bottle or two once my little sample tube runs out.

Thanks to Morgasm for sending me this CBD lube to test and review. All opinions and experiences are, as always, mine. Affiliate links appear in this post.

Woman clutching the sheets as though cumming. Header image for a post on faking orgasms.

On Faking Orgasms: Why I’ll Never Fake an Orgasm Again

Published on by Amy

Sometimes it’s hard for me to orgasm. Other times I can get there, but it takes a long time. On those occasions when my orgasms feel a long way away, faking it still sometimes feels incredibly tempting.

According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, one study showed that the average person with a vulva (they said “woman” but let’s use inclusive language here) takes around 14 minutes to climax during partnered sex. It is a little unclear whether the researchers were using “partnered sex” synonymously with “intercourse”. However, I’m assuming they are referring to any kind of partnered sexual activity since anything from 50% to 80% (depending on which study you believe) of people with vulvas don’t orgasm solely from penetration at all.

Why Fake An Orgasm?

I’ve definitely pretended to orgasm in the past, at various times and for a few different reasons. At the absolute worst, when I was in an abusive relationship, faking orgasms was sometimes the best way to get things I didn’t like to end. In those relationships, even if the sex itself was consensual, it wasn’t necessarily safe to ask for what actually felt good and would help me to get off. Abusive men don’t take well to any threat to their egos, and turns out “I didn’t come” is a pretty big ego threat.

On a less sinister note, I’ve had a lot of consensual-but-bad sex in my life. Whether it was partners who couldn’t be bothered to learn how to please me, or just my own insecurities and unwillingness to speak up for my pleasure, lots of factors played into this. Half way through sex I might realise that I wasn’t going to get there no matter how hard we tried. At those times, faking orgasms sometimes felt easier than saying “can we stop?”

I’ve also done the fake orgasm thing in group sex situations before. Those spaces are typically less about the actual orgasm for me. I often won’t come in a group situation, though there are of course exceptions to this. They’re more about the overall sensuality, shared sexual energy, and just the feeling of being in that erotic space with other sexy people. Even so, it can feel like the goal in those situations is “everyone has an orgasm” and like I’m letting the group down if I don’t. In those circumstances, it has sometimes felt easier to fake an orgasm than to draw attention to it.

Why I Decided to Stop Faking It

Quite a few years ago now, I swore off faking orgasms. So what changed? A few things.

First, I realised that I deserve pleasure as much as my partners. I was primarily sleeping with men and masc-of-centre people at the time, and the orgasm gap is a real phenomenon to which I have no desire to contribute with my sex life.

Ironically, discovering that I have an orgasm denial/orgasm control kink helped, too. This means that if I’m having fun but not getting off, I can eroticise the build-up and the unreleased sexual tension in and of itself. Enjoying the process freed me up to enjoy sex more fully without needing to chase a destination that can be highly variable in its reachability. (And yes, I also appreciate the irony that someone growling “don’t you dare fucking come” in my ear will often get me close faster than almost anything else.)

I also realised that faking it just begets more frustration and unsatisfying sex. If a partner believes that what they’re doing is getting me off, they will (reasonably) continue doing those things when we have sex again in the future. By faking orgasms, I was literally teaching partners to continue touching me in ways that didn’t work for me. What’s the point of that?

I recently saw this article about why faking orgasms “may not be as bad for your relationship as we thought,” and… it made me kinda ragey. This part, in particular:

If your partner feels insecure about their sexual ability and you don’t have an orgasm during sex, sometimes telling them you did is an easy out from having to console them. As much as you love your partner, having to reassure them their sex skills are top-notch can be taxing. That’s why, in these situations, it’s fine to spare their feelings to avoid having to comfort them for hours on end.

– Amanda Chatel

What? WHAT!? No! I’m sorry but if someone’s ego is so fragile that they’re going to make my body’s quirks about them, or that they’d rather I lie to them rather than learn about what actually gets me off (and accept that sometimes it might not happen through no fault of theirs or mine), we shouldn’t be having sex.

Another change was discovering the wonderful world of sex toys. Over a decade ago, I went through a period where I was unable to orgasm due to starting new antidepressants. It was a mains-powered “back massager” vibrator that helped me eventually power through that block. I didn’t really start exploring the full joys of the sex toy world, though, until I launched this blog.

Discovering toys gave me new options and avenues for pleasure and orgasm. New ways to experience intense sensations when my body needs more powerful stimulation to break through an orgasm block. And sometimes new ways to just have fun without the destination needing to be the focus.

The absolute number one change, though? The single biggest thing that turned all of this around? Safe relationships.

When You’re With Safe Partners, Faking Orgasms Becomes Unnecessary

With both Mr C&K and my girlfriend, I feel able to say either “please could we do this different thing that might help me get there?” or “I don’t think it’s going to happen tonight but I’m still having tonnes of fun” and I know that that will be heard and accepted with love. Feeling safe and loved totally removes the need or desire to fake anything with them, including my orgasms.

So sometimes I still struggle to get there. That might always be true. And sometimes I might worry that I’m taking too long. That my partner(s) will feel bad if I don’t get off. That they’ll get bored with the process. In those situations, faking orgasms does still occasionally seem like a tempting solution. But I promised myself and my partners that I’ll never do that again, and I intend to stick to it.

I deserve more than fake pleasure and so do my partners. Because if we can’t be authentic with each other, what’s the point?

Content like this is made possible thanks to my relationships with my affiliates. You can find their logos and links in the right hand sidebar, or below if you’re reading on mobile! Shopping with them helps to keep the blog going at no extra cost to you.

Header for a post about wand vibrators and anorgasmia from antidepressants

How Wand Vibrators Helped Me Find My Sexual Desire Again When Antidepressants Killed It

Published on by Amy

I’ve been on antidepressants for the majority of my adult life, trying three different medications before I found the one that works for me. I’ve had some shame about this over the years, but these days I am very pro-medication for those who need it. I’m not exaggerating when I say that my mental health meds saved my life on more than one occasion. Unfortunately, antidepressants are known to decrease sexual desire for many people, and my first two antidepressants also killed my libido.

Wand vibrators - Honey Wand from Honey Play Box
Honey Wand by Honey Play Box

Like any medications, antidepressants often have side effects. These can range in severity from mildly annoying to seriously debilitating. Sexual side effects are common and can include erectile dysfunction, loss of desire, anorgasmia, and more.

How Antidepressants Killed My Libido and Ability to Orgasm

My first antidepressant was Fluoxetine (Prozac), which killed my libido for the entire nine months I was taking it. Anything that had been pleasurable before just felt like… nothing. This wasn’t limited to sex, either. I also lost my appetite and all ability to derive pleasure from food.

On Citalopram, I lost my ability to orgasm while my body adjusted to the meds. Needless to say, this was incredibly upsetting and frustrating. Feeling like I had no control over my body and like I’d lost one of my greatest sources of pleasure was so damaging that I seriously considered coming off the meds that were otherwise helping with my depression.

The first time antidepressants killed my libido, was so thoroughly miserable (both from the depression and from the side effects of the meds) that I wasn’t even interested in reclaiming it. I’m pretty sure I didn’t have sex or masturbate for about nine months at one stage. In hindsight, this probably made things even worse, because my sexuality has always been one of the key ways that I access pleasure and joy. At that time, I didn’t own any sex toys, and any touch from either myself or my partner left me cold.

The second time antidepressants didn’t kill my libido entirely, but they did decrease it. They took the edge off the worst of the sadness and hopelessness, and I found myself wanting sex occasionally. But I couldn’t orgasm, either with my partner or by myself. Though orgasm is not necessarily the goal of sex, this quickly became frustrating and then maddening. I felt like my body was betraying me. Like I had to choose between having a properly functioning brain and a satisfying sex life.

Overcoming Anorgasmia with Sex Toys and Advocating For My Pleasure

The turning point in reclaiming by libido and orgasms came when my then-partner suggested trying a wand vibrator. It finally broke through the orgasm block and, once that dam broke, it became easier and easier to get there again. I invested in a wand for myself pretty quickly after that, and it became my go-to toy.

My third and current antidepressant, Sertraline, mercifully hasn’t decreased my libido or decreased my ability to orgasm. When I decided to go back on medication, I made it very clear to my doctor that losing my desire for sex (or my ability to orgasm) again wasn’t an option.

Wand Vibrators As a Tool Against Depression

Despite having finally found an antidepressant that doesn’t kill my libido, my mental health still has an impact on my sexuality. Contrary to popular belief, it’s still possible to feel horny at the same time as being depressed. Sad people need pleasure and orgasms, too! There have also been many times in my life when I haven’t felt horny, but I knew intellectually that an orgasm would make me feel better.

Sometimes, when I’m very very depressed, I feel as though there’s a kind of fog around me. The fog keeps me at least partly disconnected from everything and everyone around me. At its worst, it creates a sense of being somewhat outside and detached from my own body.

In this state, many types of touch that would normally be pleasurable struggle to penetrate the fog. When that happens, I need intense stimulation and lots of it. It’s times like this that I might crave certain BDSM activities even more than usual. It’s also times like this when knock-your-socks-off powerful wand vibes are a godsend. It might be possible to power through to orgasm with a lacklustre, buzzy vibrator but… why bother?

Whether my libido is being killed my antidepressants or decreased by depression itself, a good wand vibrator can wrench an orgasm from my body with very little active input from me. With a powerful enough wand, I basically just put it in the right spot and wait for the orgasm to happen. In this way, I can access pleasure and the positive physical and mental health benefits of orgasm even when I feel so low I don’t want to leave my bed.

What I Learned When Antidepressants Killed My Libido: Sexual Pleasure Matters

When someone is dealing with severe health issues, either physical or mental, it’s often tempting to see sexual pleasure as trivial. Certainly when I spoke to my doctor about antidepressants killing my libido and decreasing my ability to orgasm, they dismissed my concerns. Did I want sex or did I want to not be sad? Because I couldn’t have both.

Except I actually could. I needed and deserved to have both.

If you’re struggling with pleasure or orgasm due to health issues and medication, I want you to hear this: sexual pleasure matters. It’s not trivial and it’s not unimportant. If it’s important to you, then it matters. And you deserve to have what you need to feel sexually satisfied, whether that’s a change of medication, a super powerful vibrator, or just to change up what you’re doing.

Thanks to Honey Play Box for sponsoring this post. All views and experiences are my own!

Header image for post on CBD lube and how Dani Pepper O improved her sex life by Hattie Gladwell

[Guest Post] How CBD Lube Changed My Sex Life When My Body Forgot How to Orgasm by Hattie Gladwell

Published on by Amy

Today’s guest post comes from Hattie Gladwell (she/her,) a freelance journalist whose work I have been reading and enjoying for a while. This piece on how Dani Pepper O CBD lube was a game-changer for her is her first post for C&K.

I loved this story because struggles with orgasm are so, so common, especially for cis women and other people with vulvas. The limited cultural narratives around sex can make us feel that we should all be having the most amazing sex, all the time and without ever talking about it.

Those same narratives push the idea that if we’re with the right partner, sex and orgasm will be easy and effortless, and that any use of additional tools (such as toys or lube) indicate failure. But as we can see from Hattie’s story, those things can be game changers in the best possible way.

Enjoy!

Amy x

Dani Pepper O: How This CBD Lube Changed My Sex Life When My Body Forgot How to Orgasm

I was in a sexless relationship for almost six years. It was difficult not just physically, but mentally, too. I wanted an intimate relationship, but sadly he wasn’t interested. Of course, I thought it was me. That something was wrong with me. I changed how I looked constantly to see if maybe he’d start loving me again, but the relationship had been dead for years. 

When we first got together, I was able to orgasm easily and quickly. Multiple times. Having an orgasm wasn’t something I’d ever struggled with. I’d always had a good sex life before the relationship, and during the first year. But everything changed, and I don’t know why. 

When we finally broke up and I walked away from the stale relationship, I met somebody new quickly. My family and friends warned me that it was too early, that I needed to heal. But I had already done my healing over the last six months of the relationship—because I knew it was coming to an end. 

It was incredible to have sex with someone new. I mean, it was incredible just to have sex again. But, I couldn’t orgasm. It made me feel bad because I didn’t want my new partner to think it was him. My body just forgot what an orgasm felt like, and I couldn’t do it anymore. 

When I tried to get there, it was even more impossible, because I was putting myself under too much pressure. It wasn’t until I decided to “re-discover myself” alone, learning what I liked and didn’t like, and what made me tick, that finally (with a little help from Dani Pepper O CBD lube) I came to climax again. 

I decided to show my partner what I liked, and it worked—but it still took me up to an hour to get there, and sometimes I couldn’t at all. It was frustrating and I felt resentment towards my ex because I felt like I had no control over my body.

I could only come during mutual masturbation. Never during sex. Which is annoying, because I want to reach orgasm when my partner does. It feels more intimate. It makes me feel closer. 

That’s where the Dani Pepper CBD lube comes in. 

There are lots of CBD lubes out there, even though not that many people know about them. Of course, most people have heard about CBD and the common belief that it helps with chronic pain. But it can also help with sensitivity of the vulva, as it is absorbed through the tissues.

I was sceptical, but decided to try Dani Pepper’s “O” orgasm enhancer.

It comes in a bottle that looks just like regular, non-CBD lube, and is transparent. It’s made using organic and natural ingredients, and is water-based, meaning it’s okay to use with latex. 

I sat down with my partner and talked about using the lube, and he agreed. He was just as adamant about getting my orgasms back on track as I was. 

That night, we had sex. But before we did, we did what we usually do, and he tried to get me off. I decided to do it during mutual masturbation because I wanted my body to get used to the CBD lube in a way that I knew might just make me come. 

He put the lube on me, and within 15 minutes I started to feel more relaxed. I wasn’t worried about climaxing. I decided that it didn’t matter if I didn’t orgasm this time—I could always try again. 

But I did come. Quickly. Intensely. The most extraordinary orgasm I have ever had. 

It lasted for at least 10 seconds, and afterwards, my legs were shaking and I couldn’t speak through breathlessness. 

What I also loved is how calm I felt afterwards. I continued to feel this really relaxing sensation. Sex afterwards was amazing because, even though I can’t come through penetration still, it made us both feel accomplished. Knowing I’d “got there” meant there were no frustrated vibes after having sex—or masturbating for an hour. 

I always use the Dani Pepper O lube every time we have sex now. It’s my go-to, and I of course have more than one bottle at a time so that I can keep myself stocked up. 

CBD lube has been a game-changer for me. Not just because of the incredibly intense orgasms, but because it has brought me closer to my partner sexually. I feel like our sex life is way more intimate now, and I never feel like I’m missing out. And I won’t ever again.

About the Author

Hattie Gladwell is a journalist and editor from Sussex. She is passionate about raising awareness of mental health issues, and mainly writes about sex, relationships, parenting and mental illness.

Product recommendation is the writer’s own and is not sponsored.

Header image for a review of Bliss Orgasm Balm

[Better Sex Products Review] Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm

Published on by Amy4 Comments

Pleasure can be far from simple. Some people find it difficult to orgasm, experience pain or discomfort during sex, or struggle to get aroused. There can be all kinds of reasons behind these challenges, from physical or mental health problems to relationship issues to sexual shame, and more. Sometimes there’s no discernible reason behind it. Some people experience difficulties sometimes but not all the time. And some find sex easy and enjoyable, but still want to experience even more pleasure. Whatever your story, there are lots of reasons you might want to try a pleasure enhancer like Lovehoney’s Bliss Balm, which I just received to test and review.

Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm

Products like this are not a substitute for professional advice or support if you’re having sexual difficulties. However, they can be one tool in your toolbox for enhancing arousal, experiencing more pleasure, and enjoying your body more completely.

What is Lovehoney Bliss Balm?

Bliss by Lovehoney is a topical pleasure balm designed to increase sensitivity when applied to the clitoris and vulva. Bliss is infused with peppermint, menthol, and essential oils. As natural vasodilators, menthol and mint encourage blood flow to the area, heightening sensitivity. They also produce a cooling, tingling sensation which some people find enjoyable.

It comes in a small, heart-shaped tin. The balm itself is white in colour and has a creamy consistency that melts with the warmth of your fingers.

Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm

Is Bliss Balm Body-Safe?

To answer this question, I took a closer look at the ingredients of Lovehoney Bliss Balm.

  • Argania Spinosa (Argan) Kernel Oil: A natural oil commonly used in cosmetics, make-up and skincare products. It has been shown to have beneficial properties for the skin and is considered safe.
  • Hydrogenated Olive Oil (and) Olea Europaea (Olive) Fruit Oil: We all know olive oil has health benefits when used in food, but it is also a common ingredient in skincare and cosmetics. SpecialChem reports that it is safe for topical use in concentrations up to 5%.
  • Hydrogenated Jojoba was: Jojoba oil and jojoba wax were investigated by the International Journal of Toxicology and proven safe for cosmetic use. (Warning: link contains mentions of animal testing.)
  • Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea Butter): A common natural ingredient in skincare and cosmetic products. The Cosmetic Ingredients Review investigated shea butter and found it to be safe.
  • Menthol: Menthol is prized for its distinctive minty fragrance and the cooling sensation it creates on the skin. The FDA has found it to be safe for these purposes and also in food.
  • Tocopherol: Tocopherol is a form of Vitamin E, typically derived from vegetable oils. The Cosmetic Ingredient Review and International Journal of Toxicology concluded that it is safe for topical use.
  • Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil: An essential oil derived from the peppermint plant, the Cosmetic Ingredient Review determined that peppermint oil is safe as long as the concentration of the compound pulegone does not exceed 1%.

Unless you’re allergic or sensitive to any of the ingredients, Lovehoney Bliss Balm is perfectly safe to use. Since Bliss is an oil-based product, don’t use it with condoms or other barriers—oils can degrade the materials, reducing their effectiveness and increasing the risk of a breakage.

Lovehoney Bliss is only suitable for external use. Getting a little bit in your vagina or butt probably won’t do you any harm, but don’t put it up there deliberately. Wash it off your hands before doing any penetrative play.

Lovehoney Bliss Review: In Use

You may look at this tiny tin of Bliss clitoral balm and think it seems like a tiny amount for the money. But you only need a little bit to enjoy the effects. One tin of this stuff actually lasts me several months.

To start using Bliss pleasure balm, simply dab a small amount onto your fingers and massage into your vulva clitoral area. You can do this when you’re already aroused and looking to intensify pleasure or orgasm, or you can do it in advance to get blood flowing and nerves tingling as a precursor to sex or masturbation. If you like, you can also use Bliss Balm alongside your usual water-based lube.

If you’ve ever used “cooling” or “tingling” lube (or put toothpaste on your genital area, which is something I don’t recommend but that a lot of people do), you’ll recognise this as a similar sensation. I find that Lovehoney Bliss Balm starts out feeling cool and tingly, and then the initial intensity fades into a higher than usual level of clitoral sensitivity.

I find that Bliss Balm helps to make clitoral touch more enjoyable and make my orgasms stronger. It can also sometimes make it easier to get there on days when I’m less sensitive.

The sensation this balm provides can be pretty intense, so start off with less than you think you’ll need. If you want a more intense sensation or aren’t getting the desired effect, you can always add more. I find it lasts well, but if you’re playing for a while then you may need to top it up.

A bonus pro tip: if your partner is okay with the taste of mint, apply a little Bliss balm to your vulva before they go down on you.

Does Clitoral Pleasure Balm Like Lovehoney Bliss Work?

This is a difficult question to answer, because the true but possibly unhelpful answers are “it depends on your body” and “it depends on what we mean by ‘work'”.

Is it a miracle cure? No.

If you struggle to orgasm, don’t expect a pleasure balm to be a cure-all. Orgasm is, unfortunately, much more complicated than that and many sexual challenges are far more complex than a single product can solve. There are many things you can try and interventions that might be able to help you. Depending on your particular issue and context, you may need to work on overcoming shame, strengthening communication with your partner(s), or learning more about your sexual desires. In some situations, medical attention or psychosexual therapy may be appropriate.

However, for many people, the ingredients in pleasure enhancers like Lovehoney Bliss work by heightening sensitivity, adding a new sensation, and boosting arousal both prior to and during sex. I also suspect there may be a placebo affect at play for some people. If you expect the balm to help, you might feel more relaxed and less stressed, which ultimately makes it easier to enjoy sex or reach orgasm.

It’s not a magic bullet for pleasure or orgasm challenges, but one potential supportive add-on. And, of course, it’s damn good fun to use even if you don’t have any difficulties you’re trying to overcome.

Verdict

I’m a convert. I love using Lovehoney Bliss Balm for the enhanced sensitivity it offers, the fun tingly sensations it provides, and the extra helping hand it gives me in enjoying sex on low-sensitivity days.

At just £9.99 from Lovehoney UK or $12.99 from Lovehoney US for a 20g tin (which will last you ages) it’s a steal. Throw some in your next Lovehoney order!

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me a sample of Bliss Balm to review. All views are, as always, mine. Affiliate links appear in this post.

A metal male chastity device for a penis on a black background

5 Great Reasons to Try Chastity Play

Published on by Amy

The chastity fetish is incredibly common. Broadly speaking, chastity is a form of kink play that involves abstaining from orgasm, and sometimes from any form of sexual contact, for a period of time. Some people do chastity play as part of a kinky or D/s relationship. Others engage in online play such as frequenting chastity fetish forums, having cyber-sex, or watching chastity porn. Some hire sex workers to be their keyholders. It’s also possible to do chastity play solo.

Playing with this kink might or might not include the use of a physical chastity device such as a cock cage or chastity belt. Some people play with it just for a few minutes or hours, while others do long-term and extreme chastity. The only right way to engage with chastity fetish is the way that is risk-aware and feels right for you.

So why do people like chastity? Here are five great reasons to give it a go if you’re curious.

Chastity Can Enhance Feelings of Submission or Dominance

Giving someone control over your sexual release is, in some ways, the ultimate surrender. Whether you’re handing over the keys to your chastity device to a partner or simply pledging not to touch yourself until given permission, needing someone’s permission to experience pleasure and orgasm will likely enhance how submissive you feel towards that person.

For many Dominants, having control over someone’s sexual pleasure is a tremendous power rush. Many Dominants enjoy hearing a submissive beg for release, only to deny it.

You Might Experience a Stronger Orgasm

Many chastity fetish enthusiasts say that, after a period of denial, the eventual orgasm is much stronger and more satisfying.

Think of it as a bit like taking that first bite of your favourite meal when you’re starving. Wanting and looking forward to something makes it so much better than you finally get it.

Chastity Play Keeps Your D/s Dynamic Front-of-Mind

We all have busy lives and most of us can’t live our kinky fantasy dream life 24/7. For many chastity fetish participants, it’s a great way to keep their dynamic centred in their life even when they’re doing other things.

Imagine going about your day and feeling your chastity device under your clothes, or even just remembering you’re not allowed to touch yourself no matter how horny you get. This can help you stay connected to your Dominant and your kinky self even when you’re not actively playing.

Chastity Fetish is a Great Activity for Long-Distance Relationships

For long distance BDSM couples, chastity play is one of the easier kinks to do from a distance. For example, some couples implement the rule that the submissive is always in chastity when not with the Dominant. Others like to play teasing, denial, and edging games online or on the phone while apart.

Pleasure Can Act as a Motivator: Better Living Through Your Chastity Fetish

Are you a Dominant trying to train your submissive and instill desirable behaviours or break problematic ones? Chastity can be a great motivator. Perhaps your submissive only gets to touch themselves if they drank their eight glasses of water today. Maybe you’ll only let them orgasm after they’ve got all their writing done. Or perhaps they get an extra day in the belt for every day they forget to eat breakfast.

Of course, solo kinksters can also play use chastity in this way, though you’ll need to be a little more disciplined if you’re enforcing the rules on yourself. I’m a big proponent of using kink as a tool for self-improvement, and release-as-reward is one fun way to play with this.

This post contains affiliate links.

White woman with brown hair ls lying on a bed smiling and holding a pink vibrator. Header for a post about vibrator addiction and sex toy addiction

Vibrator Addiction: No, You Cannot Get Addicted to a Sex Toy

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Vibrator addiction (or sex toy addiction more generally) is the less common but equally insidious sibling of “sex addiction”, and it’s equally nonsensical if not more so. I don’t believe sex addiction exists; it’s either a convenient excuse for bad behaviour, or driven by shame (usually religious in nature.) Dr David Ley has done some fantastic work on debunking the myth of sex addiction from a clinical perspective, so do check out his writing if you’re interested in learning more.

But this post is about vibrator addiction, sex toy addiction, and the general concept that you can become “addicted” to a sex toy.

You can’t.

I’m here to clear up this myth once and for all, because I’m sick of telling people that it’s really okay if they use their sex toy every day. Yes, even if it’s the only way they can orgasm. Yes, even if they use it multiple times a day!

First: What Do We Mean By “Vibrator Addiction”

When people talk about vibrator addiction or sex toy addiction, they usually mean one of two things:

  1. They’re scared of becoming so reliant on their toys that they won’t be able to orgasm any other way
  2. They’re worried that there is something wrong with them because of how much or how often they masturbate – that they’re sex addicts, nymphomaniacs, and so on.

Neither of these things is an addiction in the clinical sense, which refers to – according to the Cleveland Clinic – “a chronic (lifelong) condition that involves compulsive seeking and taking of a substance or performing of an activity despite negative or harmful consequences.”

Using a sex toy, even using one very regularly, is not compulsive, nor is it likely to have negative or harmful consequences. Masturbation, orgasm, and sex toys are not harmful (as long as you’re using body-safe toys.) In fact, they can be tremendously beneficial. You can’t misuse or abuse a sex toy in the same way you can, for example, alcohol or drugs.

If you find that you’re regularly masturbating to avoid dealing with difficult feelings, or doing it so much that other aspects of your life (such as work, friendships, or relationships) are being negatively impacted, you might want to consider seeing a sex positive therapist. However, I still don’t believe this constitutes a “sex toy addiction.” It’s also pretty rare. It is far, far more likely that what you’re dealing with isn’t a vibrator addiction, but good old fashioned sexual shame.

Addiction is a serious medical problem with causes major issues for both the sufferer and their loved ones. Addiction can kill. No-one, to the best of my knowledge, has ever turned to crime, alienated their family and friends, lost their job, run themselves into debt, or died because their Magic Wand just felt too good and gave them too many orgasms.

Minimising the very real pain of addiction and co-opting it as a sex-shaming tactic is incredibly insensitive and harmful to anyone who has been impacted by it.

Will I Break, Stretch, or Loosen My Vagina If I Use Toys Too Much?

No.

Genitals are fucking cool, y’all. They do not break or wear out from overuse.

Case in point: Millions of people give birth every year, which puts far more strain on the vulva and vagina than even the most hardcore of sex toys, and those people’s bodies bounce back just fine. I think the myth of toys stretching out a vagina irrevocably is closely associated with the (false and misogynistic) notion that too much sex causes a “loose” vagina. It fails to neglect the medical reality that the vagina is a muscle and muscles Do Not Work That Way.

You cannot break your genitals by enjoying sex toys. You can’t permanently stretch or loosen your vagina. It won’t mold around a toy and become unable to enjoy anything else. It won’t break, get addicted to one single type of stimulation, or become unable to enjoy other types of pleasure in the future. I promise!

Can Using Vibrators Cause Permanent Desensitisation?

No.

There is also no evidence whatsoever that prolonged or repeated usage of vibrators, even really high-powered ones, causes any long-term loss of sensation in the clitoris or vulva. At most, some people report feeling desensitized for a short while after a session of using a toy. This is especially common with buzzier toys, which can cause the dreaded “numbed out clit” effect. However, these effects are short-lived (typically minutes to hours at most) and cause no long-term damage or change in sensativity.

I’ve probably had, on average, something like ten orgasms a week with a vibrator for the last decade. The slightest flick of a partner’s tongue over my clit can still make me shiver. Toys will not harm your nerves or ruin your sensitivity permanently. Really liking using your toys does not constitute a sex toy addiction, and using a vibrator cannot permanently alter your sensitivity even if you use it every day.

Tangential but related: if you experience genital pain after using a sex toy, it could be any of the following:

  • You used a toy made from a toxic material
  • You used a toy made from a material you’re sensitive to
  • You didn’t use enough (or any) lube
  • You used a lube with toxic ingredients (or ingredients you’re sensitive to)
  • You didn’t warm yourself up enough, or weren’t aroused enough before you started
  • It’s just your body’s response to a new stimulus that it’s not used to (a bit like your muscles aching the next day if you do a new form of exercise!)

Do I Have a Vibrator Addition If Using a Toy is the Only Way I Can Orgasm?

I’m going to say something truly radical now. Stay with me.

If using a vibrator is the only or the most reliable way for you to reach orgasm, follow these steps:

  1. Use the vibrator
  2. Enjoy your orgasms
  3. Don’t worry about it

Orgasms are great. We should all be having as many of them as we wish. There are countless ways to reach orgasm. Not all of them work for everyone, and all of them are equally valid. The only requirement for a “good” orgasm? That everyone inducing or experiencing it is consenting. That’s literally it.

Reaching orgasm more quickly with a vibrator is normal. Only reaching orgasm with a vibrator is normal. Using a vibrator every time you want to get off isn’t a “vibrator addiction,” it’s a physical preference.

Some people with vulvas (and their partners) spend their entire lives chasing the elusive vaginal-only orgasm. The reality, though, is that the overwhelming majority of people’s bodies don’t work that way. Many people feel slighted if they can’t get their partner off without the aid of a toy. Some will wonder if their partner’s toy usage is to blame. It’s not; people and bodies are just different.

I encourage everyone to experiment with different kinds of pleasure to find what feels good for them. This can and probably will change over time. That’s normal too. Using toys can broaden, rather than narrowing, your experience of pleasure and the ways in which you can enjoy your body.

But when people message me to ask, “Dear Amy, please help, the only way I can reliably orgasm is by doing this thing”, my answer is very likely to be “….then do that thing.”

I’m Worried My Partner’s Sex Toy Addiction Will Replace Me

A lot of people are afraid that they, or their partners, will find the stimulation they get from a toy to be so overwhelmingly amazing that they won’t have any need for partnered sex in the future.

Again, this fear is not remotely evidence-based. In fact, I’ve found that the opposite is more often true. Many people find that exploring their sexuality through toys increases their potential for erotic enjoyment and therefore improves the partnered sex they have.

A toy, however much you love it, cannot be a substitute for a partner. Companies that use terms like “battery operated boyfriend” or “the perfect lover” to describe toys have a lot to answer for. So does that stupid scene in Sex & the City. Until a toy is sentient, shows up for me emotionally, makes me laugh, snuggles me at night, watches Netflix with me, takes me on adventures and brings me coffee, it is NOT a boyfriend/lover/partner. It’s an inanimate object, a tool through which to experience pleasure.

Don’t shame your partner if they enjoy using toys. Don’t accuse them of having a vibrator addiction, and don’t try to make their toys your competition. It’s not necessary. Toys can’t replace people.

“Vibrator Addiction” is a Misogynistic Shaming Tactic and Nothing More

The false notion of sex toy addiction adds to the stigma of masturbation and sexual pleasure. It’s also rooted in misogyny, since the accusation of having a vibrator addiction is pretty much always thrown at women and people with vulvas. It has no medical, psychological, or evidence-based foundation.

Let’s stop it and allow people to have orgasms in the ways that work for them.