Tag: pain play

Header image for electro wand review. Text reads: Kink Store Zapper.

[Kink Product Review] BDSM Zapper 2.0 Electro Wand

Published on by Amy

I’ve been testing sex toys and kink gear for a living for over nine years (!) at this point. That means I’ve tried a lot of stuff, from the run-of-the-mill to the “wait, what?” Even so, I still get excited when I have a chance to try something that’s actually new to me. Kink Store, the retail arm of the company that owns the famous Kink.com, sent me their BDSM Zapper 2.0 electro wand to try out.

What is a Zapper?

Kink Store BDSM Zapper electro wand product pic

It’s a small, handheld device with a rubberised handle, a long plastic shaft, and two little metal prongs poking out of the end. When you hold down the button and tap the tip against the skin, it releases static electricity with a loud “ZAP” sound (hence the name.) First popularised by its use in many of Kink’s famous BDSM films, the Zapper has had a complete redesign and the result is this Zapper 2.0.

Unlike other electroplay toys such as violet/neon wands and E-stim products, the Zapper delivers all its power in a single, sharp sting. It has three settings to choose from: 1.5, 2.5, and 3.5kV. Since you need to press the button and wait for the red light before using it, there’s no danger of it discharging when you don’t want it to.

The Zapper 2.0 electro wand requires 2 AA batteries. Each set of batteries is good for around 300 zaps.

Are Electro Wands Like the BDSM Zapper 2.0 Safe?

Toys like this are designed with low amperage (current) to give a superficial shock only. No kink activity (or sexual activity) is 100% safe, and all BDSM carries some level of risk. With that said, many of the risks of using an electro wand toy like the Zapper 2.0 can be mitigated if you follow some basic safety protocols and take some precautions.

Safety Precautions

First, never use the Zapper on anyone who has a heart condition, is fitted with a pacemaker or similar internal medical device, or is pregnant. If you have underlying health conditions and you’re not sure how safe using the Zapper is for you, talk to your healthcare professional first.

Never use the Zapper internally, never use it on or near the face or head, and don’t zap the same spot multiple times. Fleshy, below-the-waist areas such as the butt and thighs are the lowest risk. It’s also not waterproof, so keep your Zapper far away from water and never use it in damp environments or on wet skin. We all know water and electricity don’t mix, don’t we?

Inspect your electro wand for damage before use, communicate with your partner, and don’t take unnecessary risks. Most importantly, do your own risk assessment and understand your and your partner’s body and health before you attempt any BDSM activity, including using the Zapper.

What Does It Feel Like?

Kink Store BDSM Zapper electro wand product pic

Like getting a pretty intense static shock.

It makes you jump and it definitely stings, but it’s nowhere near as painful as I imagined it would be based on the sound this thing makes. In my experience, though, the pain disappeared almost instantly. It was a split second of very intense sensation.

I think this is one of those sensations people will experience very differently. Based on other reviews, some find it extremely intense, while I found it middling (mostly it just made me giggle!) We’re all different. Aren’t bodies cool?

Weirdly, my partner and I both agreed that the BDSM Zapper’s highest setting, though the loudest, was also the least physically intense. The middle setting was the most physically intense (i.e. painful.) Your mileage may vary and I always suggest starting on the bottom setting and working up if you want to.

I think the main reason a lot of kinksters like Zappers and electro wands is because they play on a sense of fear. First, because we are all somewhat conditioned to see electricity as dangerous (which it often is!) Second, because the anticipation of being zapped is “worse” than the actual feeling for a lot of people. And third, because yes, it’s really loud. Even when I know it’s coming, it makes me jump.

BDSM Zapper 2.0 Electro Wand: Verdict

I didn’t find the Zapper 2.0 particularly erotic in and of itself. Electro-play is an interesting sensation to me, but not one that really turns me on. This isn’t really a criticism, because kink is often about “let’s explore this weird sensation” for me and doesn’t necessarily need to involve my genitals every time. However, I can definitely see potential for using the Zapper in scenes in ways that I would probably find sexy.

If you enjoy sharp, stingy pain, electro play turns you on, or you like playing with fear and anticipation, the Zapper could be a fun addition to your toybag. It retails for $49.99. At the time of writing, you can also get a free Zapper if you spend $149+ on Kink Store and enter code FREE-Z150P at checkout.

Thanks to Kink Store for sending me the BDSM Zapper 2.0 electro wand to review. All views, as always, are mine. Images by Kink Store. Affiliate links appear in this post.

BDSM gear on a pink background, for a post on understanding your kinks and how kinky you might be. Text reads: am I kinky ?

Am I Kinky? How to Tell and How to Better Understand Your Kinks

Published on by Amy

Some kinksters have always known they were kinky, sometimes from even before they had a word for it. Others come to kink and BDSM later on, after intensely questioning and examining their desires and fantasies. Have you ever agonised over the question “am I kinky?”, wondered if you’re kinky enough to claim the label and call yourself a part of the community, or felt stuck on how to explore your interest in kinky things?

If so, this post is for you.

What is Kinky?

This is where I always like to start when it comes to examining the question of whether a person is kinky: what even is kinky, anyway?

Wikipedia defines kinkiness as “the use of sexual practices, concepts or fantasies that are not conventional.” This general theme continues in other definitions I looked at. Justin Hancock, of sex education platform Bish UK, writes that “‘Kink’ is a set of pleasurable activities that people choose to do together that in other contexts are not pleasurable or usual.” The Cambridge Dictionary definies it as “a strange habit, usually of a sexual nature.”

But these definitions require us to ask ourselves: what is “conventional?” What is “usual?” In order to define what it means to step outside of these “norms”, we have to understand what the norms are in the first place.

Sexual norms, like other societal norms, are inherently subjective and informed by an array of factors from the social and political to the religious. Some people would say that the only “normal” sex to have is married, penis-in-vagina intercourse in the missionary position. Some would say that activities such as oral sex, anal sex, and mutual masturbation are completely “normal” and therefore not kinky. For others, however, having anal sex or masturbating in front of their partner might feel extremely kinky.

Pain is often associated with BDSM, but this isn’t always the case. You don’t need to play with pain at all to be kinky, if you don’t want to. For some people, kink is entirely or mostly psychological. For others, it involves playing with intense or challenging sensations that are not necessarily painful (rope bondage, tickling kinks, and temperature play being just some obvious examples.)

Power play is another facet that often appears in kink, but doesn’t have to. Dominant and submissive dynamics – the D/s in BDSM – are one way to play with kink, but they are not essential to it. For example, some people enjoy sadomasochism (the consensual giving and receiving of pain) without any element of power imbalance.

Then there’s fetishism, which involves a sexual response to an item, body part, or activity that is not traditionally viewed as sexual. Foot fetishes, material fetishes (such as latex or rubber), and watersports (playing with pee) are just some examples of common fetishes. But do you need to have a fetish to be kinky? Nope!

I realise this might not be very helpful. I realise I’m offering lots of things that being kinky might mean, but no hard and fast litmus test. But that’s also part of the beauty of kink. You get to define what it means to you and for you.

Do you fantasise about, or take part in, sexual or sensual acts that feel in some way unconventional or “outside the norm” to you? If so, you might be kinky!

Am I Kinky Enough to Call Myself Kinky?

If you take nothing else from this piece, I hope you’ll remember this: there’s no such thing as “kinky enough”.

Much like queerness, ultimately the only test is “do you identify as kinky?” If so, then congratulations! You’re kinky! It’s also fine to take part in the community even if you’re not yet sure if you’re kinky, by the way. We’ll talk about this a bit more later on.

You don’t need to be into the most extreme things imaginable to call yourself kinky. Everyone has unique preferences, desires, limits, and boundaries. You also don’t need to be constantly trying out the next new hardcore thing! If the only kinky thing you ever want to do is get tickled with feathers, or have your wrists cuffed to the headboard during sex, or spank your lover? You’re kinky enough!

I can’t promise you won’t encounter any gatekeeping in the kink community. Sadly you might. After all, kink scenes are made up of people and people are sometimes dickheads. However, the vast majority of the people you meet will likely be completely lovely and non-judgemental. If anyone judges you for not being extreme enough or says that your kink isn’t really a kink, feel enormously free to ignore them. Or tell them to fuck off. That’s fun too.

6 Ways to Better Understand Your Kinks and Decide Whether You Identify as Kinky

If you think you could be kinky, you might already know exactly what you’re into. You might also have only a vague sense… or absolutely no idea yet! Whatever is true for you, it’s all fine. In this section, I’ll give you a few ideas for ways you can explore your kinky identity further and develop a deeper understanding of your kinks.

Take a BDSM Test

A BDSM test is an online quiz that asks you a series of questions to help you determine your kink identity, role, interests, or archetype. It can be a great place to start your explorations.

Remember that a BDSM test is supposed to be a guide, not Gospel. If your result doesn’t feel quite right for you, then that’s also useful information you can take forward. It can also be useful to revisit your BDSM test of choice every year or two. Chances are your preferences will evolve and your results might change, too. Mine certainly have!

Do a Yes/No/Maybe List

Yes/No/Maybe lists are checklists of all kinds of kinky activities. The idea is that you go through the list and indicate whether you’re a “yes”, a “no”, or a “maybe” to doing each thing. Some lists also have a column where you can indicate your level of interest and/or level of experience with each activity. They’re a great place to start exploring what types of kinky play might interest you. They can also help you to identify the things you absolutely don’t want to do, which is equally useful.

Yes/No/Maybe lists can be particularly useful tools in negotiating kinky play or relationships. If you and your partner or prospective partner complete the same list, you can then compare your results to find out where your interests overlap.

You can find numerous free Yes/No/Maybe lists online. I like this one by Bex Talks Sex!

Consume Kinky Content

Erotic content such as ethical porn, written erotica, and audio erotica can be great ways to explore your interest in kink, whether you consume it alone or with a partner. If you consume a wide array of content you might even discover new things that interest you!

Remember: porn and erotica are entertainment, not instruction. They can help you to understand your kinks, but they are not a blueprint for how to do it in real life. Finding something hot in fiction also doesn’t mean you need to do it in real life. If you have a fantasy that you’d prefer stayed a fantasy, that is completely valid.

Get Involved in Your Local Kink Community

Wherever you are in your personal kink journey, there are so many great reasons to seek out your local community.

Firstly, you’ll make friends. Kinky friends can be utterly invaluable, particularly when you’re new and exploring. It’s considered poor etiquette to treat kink spaces as your personal cruising grounds, but if you’re looking for a partner or play partner then making authentic connections and building a solid reputation in the kinky community is a great place to start.

Being active in your local community is the best way to find out about events, get vetted, and get invited to awesome play parties!

You’ll also learn a lot. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about kinksters in my 16 years “on the scene” it’s that we’re fucking nerds. Want to enthuse about your favourite kinky thing? Desperate to show off your gorgeous new custom flogger or eager to learn how to tie someone up safely? The kink community is where you can make the kinds of friends who will relish these interactions.

Start by heading out to your local munch or finding a class on a kinky activity that interests you.

Talk About Your Fantasies

If you have a partner or partners, talking about your fantasies can help you both/all to learn more about your kinks. Talking about fantasies can be a safe way to ease into trying them out. It can also be a hot precursor to sex.

Want to talk about your kinks but don’t have a partner to do it with? Try joining some discussion groups for your interests on Fetlife or paying a professional phone sex/cyber sex provider to engage in some dirty talk with you.

Try Things Out

Sometimes there’s no substitute for just trying something to see if you like it. If you think you might be into a particular kink, why not grab a consenting partner and give it a go? (You can also explore many elements of BDSM alone, by the way, but that’s a subject for another post!)

Do your research beforehand so you know how to stay safe. Establish a safeword or safe signal. Discuss desires, hard and soft limits, and boundaries. Go as slowly as you need to. Most importantly, check in regularly and communicate with your partner or partners at every stage. Grab a beginners’ bondage kit to start trying things out without spending a fortune.

And remember: kink and BDSM is a journey. You don’t need to have all the answers now or ever. Evolving, growing, changing, and reevaluating is part of the deal and part of the fun. Let the adventure take you where it will!

This post was kindly sponsored by Fetish.com and their BDSM test! All views and writing are, as always, mine.

Header image featuring a red heart padlock and set of keys for a post on extreme chastity

What is Extreme Chastity and How Can You Explore It Safely?

Published on by Amy

Chastity kink is a lot more popular than you might think. Though we most commonly hear about “male chastity” (a bit of a misnomer, since not everyone with a penis is a man), this kink is common amongst kinksters of all genders and can be practiced by people with all genital configurations. But what if you’ve been experimenting with chastity for a while and you’re looking for something a bit more intense? That’s when you might start looking into more extreme chastity play, trying a different cage or device, or adding other kink activities to your chastity.

First, What is Chastity?

In short, chastity is all about restricting someone’s ability to feel sexual pleasure and/or to reach orgasm for the purposes of fun, arousal, and kink. Chastity can be mental (i.e. “I don’t touch myself or orgasm because my Dominant has instructed me not to”,) but it can also involve physical restriction of the cock or vulva/clitoris through the use of a device such as a chastity belt or chastity cage. Some people find using a cage or device can make chastity more extreme and intense.

People enjoy chastity kink for all kinds of reasons. It can make them feel more submissive, it can feed into a humiliation kink, it can be connected to cuckolding, or it can simply lead to a more intense orgasm when release is finally permitted.

So What is Extreme Chastity?

Sex and kink are inherently subjective. This means that your definition of “extreme” will not be the same as someone else’s, and that’s okay! Ultimately, “extreme chastity” is whatever it means to you. There is no competition in kink and you do not have to live up to anyone else’s ideal of the right way to do things or the right level of intensity to strive for.

In general, when we refer to extreme chastity, we are referring to anything that pushes at your edges and challenges you more than what you have been doing so far. Sound interesting? Let’s look at a few ways you might want to explore it.

Experiment with Longer Lock-Ups

Whether you’re doing mental or physical chastity (or a combination of both), one way to up the ante is to go for longer periods of time between orgasms. If you’ve done a day, try a weekend. If a weekend feels easy, try a week. Once a week feels doable, why not extent to two weeks, a month, or even longer?

Long-term chastity isn’t for everyone, and it’s fine if you only enjoy short lock-ups or periods of denial. But if you find yourself craving something more extreme, simply extending your denial or locking your chastity cage for longer is one great way to do that.

If you’re wearing a chastity device, it’s important to be aware of the safety implications of wearing one for long periods of time. Dan Savage did a great article on this subject, with insights from a urologist on the risks and ways to keep yourself safe.

Add a Little Pain

Not all submissives enjoy pain play. If you do, though, adding pain to your chastity play can be a hot way to take things to the next level. This might include activities like impact play to the genitals, electrostimulation (for example, using a violet or neon wand), urethral sounding, or hot wax play.

If you’re going to do any of these activities, it’s important to get proper tuition and learn how to do them safely. Like all BDSM activities, they carry some inherent risk and applying pain to the genitals is riskier than other areas (such as the upper back or butt.) Most importantly, go slowly and stop if anything doesn’t feel right.

Many people find that they can take more pain when they are very horny. So you might find that, the longer you are in chastity, the more your pain tolerance rises.

Try a Different Type of Cage

Some chastity cages are designed to increase the intensity and extremity of your play. They can have features built in such as sounds, spikes, or electrostim capabilities to add additional pain or pleasure. If you’re used to wearing a device, experimenting with a more extreme chastity cage or device can be a good way to try out something a little more intense to see if you enjoy it.

Make Chastity Feel More Extreme By Playing with Ruined Orgasms

When most people think of chastity, they think of a lack of sexual pleasure and orgasm. But ruined orgasms are also very popular amongst chastity kinksters. To give someone a ruined orgasm, you bring them to the point of climax and then stop all stimulation just as they tip over the edge. You can also do it to yourself, of course, though this requires a level of discipline and self-control that not everyone has.

People experience ruined orgasms differently. Some find that they bring some relief from arousal, while others find they make it worse. For some people, they are even painful. To some submissives they are a reward, while to others they are a punishment. The only way to know what’s true for you is to try it out.

Make Chastity More Emotionally Extreme: Consider Cuckolding

Cockolding is a separate kink and not inherently connected to chastity, though the two often go together. In a nutshell, cuckolding is enjoying watching your partner have sex with another person (or hearing about their adventures after they’ve had sex with someone else.) Many people use it in conjunction with chastity to add an element of humiliation, emotional masochism, voyeurism and exhibition, or other related kinks to their play.

This kink is not to be taken lightly and I could easily write an entire piece on how to explore it. It’s a form of consensual non-monogamy, which isn’t for everyone. It can bring up surprisingly intense emotions in reality even if you’re totally into the fantasy. If you do decide to explore it – especically if you’ve been monogamous until now – then go very slowly, communicate at every stage, and be prepared for intense and unexpected feelings to arise.

Thanks to Lock the Cock, purveyors of quality chastity cages, for sponsoring this post on experimenting with extreme chastity safely. All writing and views are, as always, mine!

BDSM starter kit items including cuffs, flogger, and ball gag on a purple background

What is a BDSM Starter Kit and How Can It Help You Explore Kink?

Published on by Amy1 Comment

“I’d love to start exploring BDSM, but all the gear is so expensive!” is a complaint I hear from new and curious kinksters all the time. “I don’t even know what I like yet, how can I get started without dropping hundreds of pounds on things I might not enjoy?” And I hear you, budget-conscious newbie. This is where a bondage or BDSM starter kit can help you.

Perhaps you’ve perused your local fetish market and picked up artisan floggers, custom collars, hand-dyed natural fiber ropes, or vintage violet wands, then shuddered at the price tags. I absolutely love beautiful, unique, one-of-a-kind kink items and I believe we should all be supporting our favourite indie creators within the community. Once you know you enjoy impact play, for example, that buttery soft leather flogger with a hand-turned handle might be a worthwhile investment that will serve you well for many years.

But when you’re just starting out, that can be a prohibitive amount of money to drop on a “well, that might be fun…” Budget constraints and curiosity sometimes lead new kinksters to improvise. Some pervertables are fine, of course, but in other cases using household items for sex and kink can be dangerous.

What is a BDSM Starter Kit or Bondage Kit for Beginners?

A BDSM starter kit might also be called a “bondage kit.” In short, it’s a collection of kink items bundled together in a package designed to help you explore.

Some of the items you might find in a beginners’ BDSM or bondage kit include:

  • Impact toys such as floggers, crops, or paddles
  • Restraints such as handcuffs, wrist ties, or bondage tape
  • Rope
  • Gags
  • Blindfolds
  • Collars and/or leashes
  • Clamps and clips (e.g. for nipples)
  • Sensation play items such as strokers or ticklers
  • Sex toys such as vibrators, cock rings, dildos, or strap-ons
  • Wax play candles
  • …and more!

Every BDSM starter kit is slightly different. You’ll need to choose the best one for you depending on your needs, budget, and interests.

How Can a Beginners’ Bondage Kit Help You to Explore?

What is it that interests you about bondage, kink, or BDSM?

If I asked this question to ten different newcomers to the world of kink, I would probably get ten very different answers. That’s because BDSM is a vast and varied world, encompassing all kinds of activities from impact play to power exchange, shibari to sensation play, and so much more.

This vastness is exciting, but can also be overwhelming and confusing. Investing in a BDSM starter kit can be a great place to start for several reasons.

Variety Without the Price-Tag

A kit allows you to try several different things at an affordable price. Perhaps you think you might be into pain, but you also fancy the idea of getting tied up… ooh, and that “wax play” thing sounds exciting, too! A good BDSM starter kit gives you an entry point for several different kinks.

This way, when you find something you like, you can explore it further. And if you find something isn’t for you, then you’ve learned something valuable about your desires without having spent a lot of money on a toy that will languish in the back of the bedroom closet.

Easy and Convenient

A beginners’ bondage kit or BDSM kit takes the guesswork out of kinky shopping. When you’re new, you don’t always know what you don’t know, and trying to buy toys can be confusing at best. A kit gives you an easy, one-stop place to get started.

Stay Safe While Exploring with a BDSM Starter Kit

As I touched on above, improvising your kinky toys can be dangerous. Spanking your partner with a wooden spoon is likely fine, but did you know that tying someone up with a silk scarf is actually much less safe than using proper bondage rope?

Bondage kits sold by reputable retailers include products specially designed for kinky play that will help you to stay safe as long as you observe basic precautions and practice RACK (that’s Risk Aware Consensual Kink, FYI.)

Get Inspired

It’s a cliché, but a truism, that the brain is the body’s biggest and most important sexual organ. The real magic of BDSM isn’t just the feel of a flogger across your back or cuffs tightening around your wrists, but what’s happening in your mind – and in your dynamic with your partner(s) – as those things happen.

Your BDSM kit might contain items you’ve never thought to use before, and this can spark all kinds of ideas, fantasies, and inspiration.

Choose the Best BDSM Starter Kit for You

Ready to dive in? Here are a few things you’ll want to take into consideration in choosing the best bondage kit for you.

Budget

A BDSM starter kit can cost you under £20 for the most basic kit, up to £150 or more for a comprehensive kit with all the bells and whistles.

Interests

Think about the aspects of kink that interest you the most, and prioritise. If your primary interest is in restraint, you’ll want a kit that includes ropes and/or cuffs. If you’re more interested in pain, choose a kit that comes with paddles, floggers, or crops.

Aesthetic

Yes, it matters! BDSM is a very personal thing, and different aesthetics resonate with different people. If you’re after a darker, more atmospheric mood, an all-black set might suit you. If, on the other hand, you prefer a more colourful and playful feel, you might like reds, pinks or purples. Then there are completely offbeat options!

This post was kindly sponsored by Whipple Tickle. You can shop bondage kits as well as sex toys, lingerie, kink gear, and more at their site. All views and writing are, as always, mine.

A black and red flogger on a pink background. Text reads Why Do People Like Pain? For a post about liking pain sexually

Why Do People Like Pain? 5 Common Reasons Behind Sexual Masochism

Published on by Amy

You absolutely don’t have to like pain, sexually or otherwise, to do BDSM. There are plenty of kinky things you can do that don’t involve pain play at all! From gentle dominance to sensual play, praise kinks, chastity, and beyond, there are all kinds of ways to get kinky without needing to give or receive pain. With that said, lots of people do enjoy a little (or a lot of) ouch with their kink. So why do people like pain?

People who like pain sexually are called masochists. Sexual masochism is still quite stigmatised, but it’s also pretty common. Masochism is not inherently disordered, or unhealthy. As long as you are engaging with your masochistic desires in a risk-aware and consensual way with other adults in an appropriate setting, there’s nothing wrong with it whatsoever.

By the way: masochists aren’t aroused by all pain in all circumstances. I might enjoy a partner paddling my ass, but I hate stubbing my toe or walking into things as much as anyone (which is annoying, because I’m clumsy.)

Why Do People Like Pain?

I can’t give you a comprehensive answer to this question, because sexual masochists are all unique people who enjoy pain in different ways and for different reasons. With that said, here are a few of the main reasons I’ve encountered why some people find pain sexually arousing.

They Enjoy a Challenge

Some people like light pain play, staying well inside their comfortable level of tolerance. Others prefer to push their boundaries. For these players, the challenge can sometimes be the point. It can give them an endorphin rush and a sense of accomplishment.

Some say that an intense pain play scene is a bit like pushing yourself through the last half-mile of a particularly intense run, only a lot more fun. (I fucking hate running. Kink over marathons any day, thanks!)

Taking Pain as An Act of Service

Ultimately, partners should only ever inflict pain on us because we want them to. Otherwise it would be abuse! However, in the context of carefully negotiated scenes and clearly defined limits, taking pain “for” someone else as an act of submission or service can be highly erotic and satisfying for some kinksters.

Pain Can Alter Your Headspace

Some people like pain not just for how it feels physically and sexually, but for what it can do to them mentally. Physical sensations can help us get into a particular mental zone or headspace. Many submissives find that pain inflicted by a dominant partner can help to alter their mental state or even put them into subspace.

For me, one of the most interesting questions while negotiating a kink scene is “how do you want to feel?” Perhaps you want to feel cherished, challenged, scared, safe, taken, useful, or something else entirely. Pain, depending on how you use it, can help you to get into any of these headspaces and many more.

It Gets Them Out of Your Head

One of the reasons I like sex in general, and kink more specifically, is because it pulls me out of my head. As a writer and an overthinker with ADHD, I live perpetually in my head. It’s loud in here. In the right context, the physical sensation of consensually-inflicted pain can help to turn down the volume and ground me in my body instead of my brain for a while.

Pain Can Get You High (Kind Of)

Sometimes the reason why people like pain is physiological. Pain causes the central nervous system to release endorphins. These powerful hormones are the body’s feel-good chemicals which are also released in response to all kinds of pleasurable experiences, from eating delicious food to having an orgasm. Endorphins can produce a profoundly euphoric effect, which some liken to a natural high.

Endorphins also act as pain relievers, by the way, which might account for why some masochists’ pain tolerance goes up as a scene progresses.

Why Do People Like Pain? Sometimes They Just Do

Sometimes kinks just are what they are. There isn’t always a strong reason why a person enjoys a particular sensation or type of play, and that’s okay. If you like pain, sexually or otherwise, you might know exactly why or you might have no idea. Either way is fine!

Learn More About Pain on Purpose and Why People Like It Beyond the Bedroom

This post is primarily about sexual masochism. However, the bedroom isn’t the only place that people engage intentionally with things that hurt. If you’d like to learn more about why people like to do things that cause pain, from ballet to eating hot chilli peppers to running ultramarathons, I highly recommend the book Hurts So Good: The Science and Culture of Pain on Purpose by Leigh Cowart.

FYI: affiliate links appear in this post!

leg in futomomo shibari tie. Header image for 3 mini reviews of kink products

[Kink Product Review] Beginner BDSM Toys: Leather Cuffs, Hemp Rope, and Silicone Paddle

Published on by Amy

If you’re looking to explore BDSM for the first time, the sheer volume of toys and gear on the market can be overwhelming. From BDSM starter kits to custom, artisan-made toys, shopping for beginner BDSM toys can be a minefield and an expensive one at that. That’s why I’m working with The Pleasure Garden, a women-owned and 100% body-safe online sex shop, to bring you this round-up of three potential options for newcomers to kink: a set of leather cuffs, some hemp rope, and a silicone paddle. You’ll also find some quick tips on how to use them safely.

Let’s delve into the parcel, shall we?

Beginner BDSM Toys #1: Bound Noir Slim Wrist Cuffs

If you’re interested in playing with bondage and restraint, a set of good quality wrist cuffs is a great place to start. This set, made of soft and supple real leather with gold-coloured metal hardware, retail for the bargain price of £34.99.

Bound Noir black leather cuffs from a beginner BDSM toys kit

The Bound Noir Slim Wrist Cuffs come with a removable connecting chain with clips at either end, and each cuff has two D-rings. This offers plenty of opportunities for play, from securing the wearer’s hands behind their back to fastening them to a bondage bed, St. Andrew’s Cross, or other surface. They have 5 notches for an adjustable fit.

These cuffs are soft and comfortable, and the leather gets softer with use as you break them in. I’ve worn them in scene them for well over an hour, and they remained comfortable the whole time. The gold accents give an elegant feel.

Bound Noir black wrist cuffs on anonymous female hands

If you’re vegan or would prefer not to use products made from animal leather, there are many faux leather alternatives available.

Leather Wrist Cuffs Tips & Tricks

When you start playing with restraint, experiment with different positions. Not everything will be comfy for everyone. Clip your partner’s hands together behind their back, hook their arms around the bedpost, or tie their hands to something above their head. If you like attending kink parties or other play spaces, there will be all kinds of furniture to experiment with. Pair with a set of ankle cuffs for more complete restraint or a “spread-eagle” position.

Safety-wise, cuffs should be loose enough that you can slip 1-2 fingers between the cuff and the skin. Experiment with different settings and check in regularly. If the wearer experiences any numbness, tingling, or pins and needles in the hands, take the cuffs off or loosen them. Never leave a bound person alone.

Store your cuffs flat, not fastened, to keep them looking good for longer.

Beginner BDSM Toys #2: Bound to Please Hemp Bondage Rope

Ask any rope bondage practitioner about their favourite type of rope, and you’ll get wildly different but equally passionate answers. We all have our favourites. I’ve always favoured jute for its look, its feel, and the way it handles. Another popular choice is hemp. this hemp bondage rope from Bound To Please.

Hemp rope coiled from a beginner BDSM toys kit

This hemp rope retails for £12.99 for each 10 metre lengths. It is 5mm in diameter, which is my preferred rope thickness for most purposes.

The thing I love about natural fibre ropes, and hemp in particular, is the smell. Hemp rope has a distinct, sweet and woody smell smell. Natural fibres also get softer and smoother with use, as they are handled and absorb the natural oils from your skin.

Rope Tips & Tricks

Close up of part of a futomomo in hemp rope on anonymous leg
A self-tie by me

Beginners often wonder how much rope to buy, and the annoyingly vague answer is “it depends.” Factors like the size of your rope bottom and the types of ties you want to do will have an impact. If all you want to do is tie your partner to the bed for sex, a couple of lengths will be enough. For more complex formal ties, a minimum of 3 lengths will get you started.

Once you start moving beyond very basic ties, the risk involved in rope bondage increases. Suspension looks cool and can be great fun, but it is also very dangerous if not done properly. Take the time to become proficient in floor-based bondage before you even think about suspending or being suspended, and then learn how to do it under the guidance of an experienced rigger.

Make sure you can remove the rope quickly if you need to. EMT shears (the kind paramedics use) are a popular and safe option. Again, never leave a bound person alone.

Peer rope events, in-person or online classes, and instructional videos by reputable teachers are all great ways to learn bondage basics and not-so-basics. Don’t discount self-tying, either, which can be both fun and educational.

Beginner BDSM Toys #3: Bound to Please Silicone Paddle

The most common materials for spanking paddles are leather, faux leather, and hard plastic. I’d never used a silicone paddle before I received this one to try.

The Bound To Please Silicone Paddle measures 41cm long by 6cm wide. It is light and easy to handle, a breeze to clean and sterilise (just throw it in boiling water or use a body-safe medical wipe), and suitable for vegans.

BLack silicone paddle from a beginner BDSM toys kit

I tested this one out with my partner The Artist. To the best of my recollection, my reaction to the first few strikes was a string of profanity. A combination of the density of the silicone, textured surface, and slender design means this fucking thing hurts like hell.

Seriously, I don’t think I can really recommend a silicone paddle as a beginner BDSM toy. It is vicious.

Now to be clear, I love this paddle. But I am an experienced kinkster and have been doing impact play for well over a decade. Unless you have a high pain tolerance and a very clear idea of your body’s capabilities and limits, I cannot recommend this paddle to someone just starting out. You could get hurt or hurt your partner in a bad way if you start out with an impact toy this intense.

So what do I recommend instead? A wide, soft leather paddle or flexible layered paddle is a great beginner BDSM toy for curious impact players.

If you’re feeling brave enough to try this fucker, though, it retails for an affordable £24.99.

Silicone Paddle Tips & Tricks

Black silicone paddle in anoymous hand

Before you pick up a silicone paddle or any other impact toy, learn which areas of the body you can safely strike. Fleshy areas like the butt and backs of the thighs are low risk and enjoyable on most people. Front and inner thighs, breasts and chests, upper backs, and genitals can also be fun if you’re careful. Never strike the face, head, neck, spine, lower back, or any bony area or joint.

If you’re new to impact play, start slowly. Most people can take more impact, and will enjoy it far more, if you build up gradually. Unless you’ve negotiated it very explicitly with an experienced bottom, whacking someone at full force right out of the gate is a recipe for a bad time.

Remember that the goal of an impact play session isn’t to take or dish out as much as you possibly can. The goal is for everyone involved to have a good time.

When you’re negotiating a spanking session, get clear about what kind of scene you want and what impact play means to you. Playing with punishment is hot to some people and emotionally painful for others. Will power dynamics be involved or are you purely in it for the physical sensations? Will you be taking on a role, or playing as yourself?

Other Recommendations For Your First Toy Kit

When you’re just starting out in kink, you don’t necessarily want to spend a fortune on kit – especially before you’ve fully worked out what you like! Exactly what you prioritise spending your money on will, of course, depend on your interests. But here’s a few things I think you should consider for your basic all-purpose kink kit…

Thank you to The Pleasure Garden for sending me these items to review. Affiliate links appear in this post. All views and writing are mine.

Several wooden spoons. For a post about pervertables and doing BDSM on a budget with household items

5 Pervertables You Probably Have in Your House Right Now

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Quality BDSM gear can be expensive. Sex shops sell some stuff, of course, though its quality is highly variable. A custom flogger or handmade paddle can cost anything from tens to hundreds of dollars. Many people simply don’t have that type of money and want to enjoy BDSM on a budget instead. Enter: pervertables.

What Are Pervertables?

Pervertables are innocuous everyday household items, reimagined and repurposed for kink. They are ideal for kinksters looking to do BDSM on a budget, anyone who is new to BDSM or wants to try a new type of sensation without blowing a lot of cash, or for those occasions when you find yourself somewhere without your toybag and want to have some fun.

And, of course, some pervertables can be sexy for their own sake. A lot of people fetishise, for example, the feeling and aesthetic of being spanked with a hairbrush.

Doing BDSM on a Budget? You Probably Have These 5 Pervertables in Your House Right Now

When it comes to using pervertables for BDSM and bondage at home, you’re limited only by your imagination and basic safety precautions. Here are five ideas for items you might have to hand right now that can have a kinky use.

Clothes Pegs

Clothes pegs are an amazing alternative to clamps and such an underrated kink toy! Choose the plastic ones with soft pads on the teeth if you’re after something less vicious. The wooden ones are often more pinchy. This can vary, though, so test them out on your finger before you apply them to anywhere more sensitive.

Use clothes pegs on nipples, labia, clits, cocks, or most sensitive fleshy areas. Keep them away from the face and neck. After a more intense or painful experience? Try putting a line of clothes pegs along your masochist’s back, tying them all together with string or twine, and pulling them all of at once. (Don’t surprise someone with this the first time you do it; it’s not for everyone, so always get consent first.)

Pro tip: the longer you leave clamps or pegs on, the more they’ll hurt when they come off.

Chopsticks

Chopsticks are another option for makeshift clamps. Simply squeeze a nipple (or other sensitive area) between two chopsticks and secure the ends with small elastic bands or hair ties. For a tighter squeeze, secure closer to the centre. To loosen them off, move the bands outwards.

Wooden Spoon

Arguably the ultimate household spanking implement, wooden spoons can deliver a surprisingly sharp and stingy sensation. Much like canes, their pain comes in waves – the initial sting when the blow hits, and then a second or two moments later as all the nerves fully register the impact.

Pervertables like wooden spoons are pretty safe when used on fleshy places like butts, but you should always start slowly and gently, checking in with your partner along the way. You’d be surprised how much they can hurt!

Hairbrush

Traditionally associated with over-the-knee spanking, hairbrushes remain enduringly popular impact implements. Different sizes, shapes and materials can feel very different, so make no assumptions, build up slowly, and communicate with your partner as you go about how it feels.

Ice

Ice is brilliant. You can use it on its own or alongside something like wax play for a fun temperature-based scene. You can run ice over your partner’s body for a cold tease, press it to a nipple or clit, or trail icy droplets all over them.

Ice play doesn’t have to be painful and can be purely sensual, but it definitely can be painful if that’s what you want. Typically, ice in sensitive places will become painful quite quickly. Keep the ice moving (i.e. don’t rest it on one spot for too long) and make sure that the bottom gets dried off and warmed up as quickly as possible after play.

…And 5 Things You Shouldn’t Use as Pervertables

All the pervertables and activities I’ve suggested here are relatively low risk as long as you communicate with your partner, practice risk-aware consensual kink (RACK), and observe some basic safety precautions such as understanding no-hit zones.

But there are also some things you absolutely should not use as pervertables. Here are a few of them:

Cable Ties

Cable ties (also known as zip ties) are not a safe way to restrain someone. They can tighten easily, cutting off circulation or causing nerve damage. They’re also thin bands of rough plastic, meaning there’s a high risk of them cutting or chafing the skin.

Household Candles

There are different schools of thought on this. Some people say that basic, unscented paraffin wax candles are okay. My stance, though, is it’s not worth the risk. Different wax blends and quality levels burn at different temperatures and it can be hard to know what you’re getting. Instead, choose wax play candles from a reputable maker or supplier.

Fruits and Vegetables

Please don’t insert fruits and veggies into your body. They can carry harmful bacteria, pesticides, or other contaminants which can lead to irritation or infection. They can also have rough or sharp areas which can cut you. It is particularly dangerous to insert anything without a flared base anally, as it could become stuck (leading to an embarrassing emergency room visit if not a serious injury.)

This applies to virtually any household items you might be tempted to insert, by the way. There are safe(r) ways to repurpose other items or make your own sex toy, but when you can get a basic silicone dildo for under $20, it’s just not worth taking risks with unsafe items.

Bamboo Garden Canes

Tempted to reach for one of those cheap bamboo gardening canes and repurpose it as a BDSM implement? Please, please don’t. Here’s why: when bamboo breaks, it splits horizontally along the shaft. This can result in razor-sharp long edges, putting the recieving partner at risk of a deep and dangerous cut.

Scarves

Scarves, particularly those made of slippery materials like silk, are popular “beginner bondage” materials for those wanting to practice BDSM on a budget. Unfortunately, they’re also far more dangerous than you think. They can easily tighten unintentionally, cutting off circulation, causing nerve damage, or making them difficult to undo quickly. Grab some basic jute or hemp rope and learn how to do some fundamental ties instead. You’ll be much safer.

FYI: affiliate links appear in this post.

A set of traffic lights. For a post about safewords and other BDSM safety tools

Beyond Safewords: 8 BDSM Safety Tools You Can Use

Published on by Amy1 Comment

There are very few things in kink that I take an unshakeable hard line on. But as someone who is passionate about BDSM safety and more ethical ways of practicing kink, one of them is this: BDSM safewords are essential.

What Are Safewords?

Safewords are simple code words used in kink scenes that mean “stop.” They’re particularly useful for scenes in which words like “no” and “stop” may not be taken at face value as part of the game, but I recommend having one in place regardless of what type of kink you’re doing.

The best safeword is something that you can easily remember and wouldn’t otherwise say in a kink scene. The most commonly used safewords these days seem to be the traffic light system:

  • Red = “stop everything right now”
  • Orange/Yellow/Amber = “pause and check in”
  • Green = “everything is good, keep going”

Use these if they work for you, or come up with your own. Safewords I’ve used include canary, aardvark, and banana.

Beyond Safewords: Other BDSM Safety Tools

Safewords are vital but they are not the be-all/end-all of BDSM safety. That’s why I wanted to suggest a few other tools, tricks, and pieces of wisdom you might want to keep in your kink safety toolkit.

“No”: The Ultimate Safeword

In the absence of very explicit negotiation to the contrary, “no” is the ultimate BDSM safeword. Unless you and your partner have agreed that (for the duration of a scene, or during kinky play in general) “a ‘no’ is not to be taken at face value”, guess what?

No means fucking no.

A “Check In” or “Adjust” Word

I touched on this above as it forms part of the increasingly popular traffic light safewords system. If you need to pause, check in with your partner, or adjust something, a check-in word can help to facilitate this without bringing the entire scene to a screeching halt.

A check-in word is useful for moments when (for example) your leg has gone to sleep, you need to change positions but want to keep going, or you need to grab some more lube.

Really Robust Negotiation

BDSM negotiation is all about what happens before you start playing. It can be a long and involved process where you both fill in Yes/No/Maybe lists and compare your answers, a quick conversation before you begin, or anything in between. This all depends on your experience level, your existing dynamic or relationship if there is one, and the types of play you’ll be engaging in.

Of course, things can still go wrong. There’s no shame in that as long as everyone was operating in good faith. BDSM safewords are vital, but negotiating thoroughly reduces the chances you’ll need to use one and increases the likelihood of enjoying a fun scene where everything goes well.

A 1-10 Pain/Sensation Scale

This tool is particularly useful if you’re engaging in pain play of any kind, though it can be useful for any type of play that involves intense sensations. It’s a quick way to check in with a bottom or receiving partner and see how they’re feeling. As a general guideline, 1 means “I can barely feel that” and 10 means “I am at or very close to my limit and may safeword soon.”

As well as asking your partner what level they’re at, it’s also useful to ask them what level they want to be at. A hardcore masochist might want to get up to a 9 or 10 and stay there, while a lighter player may be happier staying at a much lower number. Of course, the desired level can also vary day to day and scene to scene.

Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication

If you and your partner know each other well, you probably know each other’s body language and non-verbal cues pretty well. Body-language is far from foolproof, and even people who have known their lovers for decades can get it wrong. But it’s also a major part of human communication and can be a valuable tool if you take the time to tune in.

Does he go silent when something is wrong? Do deep, guttural moans mean she’s having fun, but high-pitched squeaks mean she’s reaching her limit? Do they clench their fists when they’re having a tough time with something? Is crying good or bad?

References

If you want to play with a new person, it’s a good idea to scope out what their reputation is. Are they known to push boundaries or disregard safewords, or are they highly respected for their ethical and risk-aware play style? You can ask around your local kink scene or check with the organisers of events they go to. References, vetting, and community safeguarding are essential parts of enhancing BDSM safety for everyone.

Sadly, this method has its problems. How useful it actually is will likely depend a lot on your local scene politics. Unfortunately, some kink communities have a problem with protecting abusers, especially if the abuser is popular, charming, or good at throwing parties. Ask several people and if in doubt, seek a second opinion.

Safe Calls

Sadly, some people can be perfectly charming and seemingly safe players in public, but behave very differently behind closed doors. That’s why I recommend implementing a safe call if you’re going on a play-date or into a private space with a new person.

Agree to call, text, or otherwise contact someone (a friend, another partner, or a trusted person in your community) at a prearranged time to let them know you’re safe, and agree on what they will do if you fail to check in.

Aside from the obvious benefits of someone knowing where you are, who you’re with, and what to do if something goes wrong, setting up a safe call and informing your date about it can also tell you a lot about them. If you say “I need to call my friend by 4pm to let her know I’m safe,” a good play partner will say “sure, maybe set an alarm to remind yourself?” and not “what the fuck!? Don’t you trust me!? I’M A NICE GUY!!!”

A Spotter

Finally, we have a BDSM safety tool that I feel is underutilised but tremendously valuable. A spotter is a person who watches a play scene but is not directly involved unless they’re needed. For example, a more experienced rigger might observe a rope scene to make sure the tie is safe.

Using spotters is a brilliant way to minimise risk when you’re learning and trying new skills, but their usefulness extends beyond beginners. If you’re playing with someone new or someone you don’t know very well, having a trusted third party there can help to keep you safe. They can step in if boundaries are overstepped or safewords not adhered to. Someone who knows you, your body, and your reactions well is ideal. At a play party, a Dungeon Monitor (DM) may also be able to take on this role.

If you enjoy my content, please consider buying me a coffee, sharing this post on Bluesky or Fetlife, or shopping with my affiliate retailers to show your appreciation!

Header image for a review of the Rouge Garments leather flogger

[Kink Product Review] Rouge Garments Leather Spiral Flogger

Published on by Amy

One of the great things about being a sex writer is that our events always have great freebies, from sex toys to kink gear and beyond. Rouge Garments kindly provided various goodies for the recent Lube and A Laptop social, and I came home with this red leather flogger.

Rouge Garments Red Leather Flogger: Basics

This flogger is pretty hefty. End to end it’s about 71cm, of which 51cm is the falls and 20cm the handle. (On Rouge Garments’ site it lists the length of falls as 47cm, so mine may be a slightly over-long prototype.) It is made of real leather, so vegans may want to skip this one.

The Rouge Garments flogger retails for £36.99, which is a very reasonable price for a real leather product. It is available in black, purple, or pink as well as red leather.

Rouge Garments Flogger: Design

The design of this toy is fine, though it’s far from the prettiest flogger ever. My personal tastes in impact toys leans more towards leather falls with a wooden or metal handle, rather than all-over leather, but that’s a matter of preference.

The Rouge Garments red leather flogger seems fairly strong and durable, but my main design gripe (and it’s a pretty major one) is with the length of the falls. They’re not cut evenly and there is a disparity of more than an inch between the longest and shortest. This makes the product look somewhat cheaply made and slapdash. It also makes accuracy harder to attain, particularly for newer impact tops. I got it for free, but if I’d paid for it I would be pretty unhappy with it on this basis.

In Use

Like all longer floggers, the Rouge Garments red leather flogger takes some practice to wield effectively, It is pretty light for its size, though, which is a plus point. I could use it for quite a while without my arm getting tired, and I’m far from the strongest person around.

Mr C&K pointed out that, due to the handle not being smooth (the leather is effectively wrapped around in a spiral shape,) the ridges did start to hurt his hand after using the flogger for a little while.

From the receiving end, the Rouge Garments flogger has a decent thud/sting balance. The weight is just enough to give it a nice thud, while the thin falls follow that initial deep impact with a little bit of stingy bite.

I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone who wants either very hard thud or intense sting. However, it’s a passable option if you’re after something in the middle of the spectrum.

Verdict

This is an okay beginner flogger for people who are new to BDSM or anyone looking for something inexpensive. If you want beauty, craftsmanship, and something to last you a lifetime, though, I’d skip this one. Head over to a dedicated BDSM retailer or marketplace instead.

Thanks to Rouge Garments for providing these products in exchange for honest reviews. All opinions are, and will always be, my own. Affiliate link to buy this product from The Pleasure Garden send a small commission my way if you use them.