Tag: reader questions

A cooking pot on a stove. For an Ask Amy question about cleaning sex toys

How Do I Clean My Sex Toys?

Published on by Amy6 Comments

I’ve been meaning to write about how to clean your sex toys FOREVER. But, like many topics I keep meaning to get to, it kept slipping down my list. However, a lovely reader slid into my DMs this week with a question about this very topic. I’m taking it as a sign.

She writes…

Hi Amy,

I know that you should sterilise sex toys after use, and you can do this to silicone dildos and butt plugs (for example) by boiling them in hot water. I’ve bought a pan for dildo sterilising, but do I just… heat them up like I’m boiling potatoes? How do you boil sex toys to sterilise them, plus do you have any tips for storage to keep your toys clean between uses?

I love this question! I think, as a veteran sex geek, I’m making too many assumptions that people will know what I’m talking about when I say “boil your sex toys”. So thank you for reminding me I need to give more specific instructions to ensure my lovely readers are staying safe.

First thing’s first: you don’t need toy cleaner. It is a waste of money.

The short answer to your first question is yep. Just put the toys in a big pan of water, bring it to a rolling boil, and keep it bubbling away for 10 – 15 minutes. You can do this with any pure silicone or stainless steel toy, and also with high quality borosilicate (Pyrex) glass toys. Once you’re done, dump the water out, dry your toys thoroughly, and put them away.

Remember: you cannot boil-sterilise any toys with motors. So this method is great for dildos, butt plugs etc., but no good for vibrating toys.

When it comes to toys with motors, check the instructions from the manufacturer. If your toy is waterproof, wipe it down with a body-safe sterile wipe (I buy mine in bulk from a medical supplies store such as Medisave, one pack lasts months) to kill any bacteria, then dunk it in a bowl of warm water and very gentle soap. Wash, rinse it thoroughly, and you’re done. You can also follow this process for waterproof ABS (hard) plastic toys, which also cannot be boiled regardless of whether they have a motor or not.

The other option for waterproof toys with motors is to soak them in a 10% bleach solution (that is, 1 part bleach to 9 parts water) for a few minutes. Be sure to rinse REALLY thoroughly if you do this.

If your toy has a motor and is not waterproof, it’s a little trickier but you can still get it clean. Again, wipe it thoroughly with a medical wipe. Then clean it all over with a damp cloth dunked in clean warm water.

Remember, if your toy has any tricky grooves or ridges or nozzles, bacteria can gather here so take extra care to clean these areas really thoroughly.

As far as storing your toys between uses, there’s a couple of options:

  1. Just throw ’em all in a big bag or box (this is what I do, mostly). That thing about silicone toys melting together in storage? It’s 100% not true. Silicone doesn’t work that way! Check out Dangerous Lilly’s experiment to prove this myth false. If you do this, I recommend giving your toy a quick wipe down before you use it, just to get rid of any dust or lint that may have settled on it.
  2. Get some individual bags for them. Lovehoney do really cute drawstring sex toy bags, or you can probably buy similar from a craft store or online. I have a few of the Lovehoney ones and they keep my toys sparkling clean between uses! (Remember: a lot of higher end toys now come with their own bag or pouch).

STI transmission risk through toys is lower than for other types of sex. However, it still exists and you should take precautions accordingly. Other concerns if toys aren’t properly cleaned are thrush, yeast infections and similar complaints.

For the purposes of safer sex, I always recommend using a barrier if you’re going to share a toy with a non fluid-bonded partner[1] and that toy cannot be boil sterilised or properly washed. My personal policy is barriers on shared vaginal toys unless I am fluid bonded with that partner, and condoms on shared anal toys ALWAYS. It’s a bit less risky for penis toys because the outer skin of the penis isn’t technically a mucus membrane.

[1] I’m aware that fluid bonding is a controversial term (technically kissing is fluid bonding!). But for the purposes of this post, I’m using it to mean having manual, oral, penetrative or toy sex without a barrier.

Was this post useful to you? Buy me a coffee to say thanks, or send me your own “Ask Amy” question!

Red flag waving against a blue sky - header for a post about BDSM red flags in a new kinky relationship

BDSM Red Flags: What to Watch For in a New Kinky Relationship

Published on by Amy1 Comment

A reader messaged me this week with this question: “What are some BDSM red flags to look out for when starting a new kinky relationship with a Dom or a sub?”

I had a lot of thoughts about this question and all the possible ways to answer it. On the surface, it’s simple. In many ways, BDSM red flags are exactly the same as those in any other kind of relationship. But there are also nuances specific to kinky relationships.

As I often do when I’m mulling over a topic, I took it to Mr C&K for his perspective. His response, I think, was utterly brilliant in its simplicity: “Don’t get into a relationship with a Dom or a sub. Get into a relationship with a person.”

What I love about this answer is that it cuts through all the possible responses I was thinking of giving to our lovely question-asker, and gets straight to the heart of the issue. It’s vital to get to know somebody as a real, three-dimensional human being before you seriously consider them as your Dominant or submissive.

Spend time – LOTS of time – talking, communicating, and seeing how they interact with you and the world. A good D/s relationship is a place of profound trust and vulnerability on both sides, and these things cannot be rushed. A real-life D/s relationship is nothing like an endless kinky fantasy or a porn movie. First and foremost, it is a relationship.

7 BDSM Red Flags to Look Out For

With all that said, I do still have some thoughts on specific red flags to watch out for in a kinky relationship. I’ve tried to keep these broad so that they’re applicable to Dominants, submissives, and switches alike, and relevant whether you’re meeting online or in person.

Your mileage may vary, of course, and I’m sure there are plenty I’ve missed. But I would view any of the following with some serious side-eye and a healthy level of skepticism.

Demanding too much, too soon

You wouldn’t give someone the keys to your house or ask them to marry you on a first date, would you? Just as you shouldn’t jump the proverbial gun on these vanilla relationship milestones, it’s also important to take your time in a BDSM relationship. Play together and have some kinky fun, if you both want to, but don’t even think about entering into any kind of ongoing dynamic for quite some time.

If a Dominant expects you to kneel and address them by an honorofic before they’ve earned your trust, run. If a submissive expects you to start trying to control every aspect of their life when you’ve barely got past coffee… you know what I’m going to say.

Referring to themselves as a “real” or “true” anything

There is no such thing as a True Dominant, a Real Submissive, or any other variation. Those of us who have been in the community for a long time call this One True Wayism, and it’s frowned upon for good reason. People who think their way is the only way tend to be snobbish, elitist and derisive of others at best and actively dangerous at worst.

Tthinking you know everything, refusing to learn, and refusing to be questioned is a recipe for disaster. It’s also one of the biggest red flags out there for kinky relationships.

Related to this is its equally problematic and insidious twin: “you’re a fake [Dom/sub/kinkster!]” Calling someone a fake is such a classic BDSM red flag that it’s pretty much a cliche at this point. There’s no such thing as a fake kinkster. There are good and bad players, safe and dangerous kinksters, and those with more or less knowledge and experience. But no-one is “real” or “fake.”

If you identify as a Dom, you’re a Dom. If you identify as a sub, you’re a sub. That’s literally all that’s required.

Using language like “if you were really [X] you’d [Y]”

“If you were really a sub, you’d give me all your passwords and your bank account login!” “If you were really a Dom, you’d take care of everything for me so I didn’t have to take any responsibility for my choices!”

This is the BDSM red flag equivalent of that old manipulative classic: “If you really loved me, you’d…”

If someone questions your identity or tries to use it against you to get their way, run. See above: there’s no such thing as a “Real” or “True” anything. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone and you certainly don’t have to do things you don’t want to do for your identity to be valid.

Claiming to have no or very few limits

Everyone has limits (that is, things they absolutely won’t do under any circumstances.) Absolutely everyone. Someone who claims not to have any limits (or to have “very few” limits) is, at best, woefully ill-informed about all the things BDSM can encompass.

And by the way: limits aren’t just for submissives! Dominants also can and should have limits.

I’ll say it again: literally everyone has limits. They can, and probably will, change over time. You don’t need to think up absolutely every single one right now. But you should start learning about what yours might be and learning how to communicate them.

Not understanding their own experience and skill level

Anyone can pick up a BDSM starter kit and call themselves a Dominant without having ever used that flogger on anyone, just like anyone can watch a thousand hours of spanking porn and call themselves a submissive without having ever actually played. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being inexperienced and curious, with being at the beginning of your kink journey, or with not knowing much.

What is wrong, though, is to significantly overestimate or misrepresent your experience and skill level. And if you find out someone has done this, it’s a pretty huge red flag. Trying to do certain BDSM activities without proper knowledge and tuition is irresponsible at worst, incredibly dangerous – both physically and psychologically – at best.

Responsible kinksters know their own limitations and put the safety, consent, and wellbeing of their partners above any self-aggrandising notion about being infallible.

Lying, including lies of omission

The absolute, foundational basis for any healthy relationship – kinky or vanilla, monogamous or polyamorous – is trust. Without trust, there is nothing. Lying to you is, therefore, probably the biggest, reddest, and flaggiest big BDSM red flag of all.

This includes those big barefaced lies, of course, but it also includes lies of omission. If you find a Dom who seems great but they “forgot” to tell you they’ve got seven other submissives at home… you have not found a good Dom or indeed a good human.

The person who lies to you in the beginning will lie to you all the way along. Whatever your role, you’re a human being first and you deserve to be told the truth about things that impact you.

Breaking boundaries, including small ones

Abusive or dangerous people don’t typically start by trampling boundaries in overt and glaring ways. If they did this on the first date, they’ll never get as far as a second date. Instead, people who would cause you harm will often “test the waters” with a new victim to see how much they can get away with.

Perhaps they persist in using language towards you that you don’t like, touching you in a way you’re not comfortable with, or putting you down in big or small ways, you are not being too sensitive. They are testing you, and they will push bigger and bigger boundaries if you continue a relationship with them. Get out now.

If you recognise any of these BDSM red flags in your relationship or with a new interest, help is out there! If you think you’re in danger, get yourself to a place of safety and ask for help as soon as you can.