Today, 31 December 2020, is my fourth blogiversary. When I grabbed “coffeeandkink.wordpress.com” four years ago and wrote a piece about getting started with BDSM, I had no idea the extent to which this project would grow, change my life, and be the springboard for all kinds of amazing experiences.
I’m not doing a traditional end-of-year round-up today because *gestures at everything.* Instead, I thought it’d be fun to do a blogiversary Ask Me Anything.
All the questions in this post were asked by my lovely Twitter followers over the last few hours.
“Have you ever had moments where you just wanted to press the ‘delete blog’ button and walk away?”
Oh goodness, yes.
Not often, and those feelings have always passed in the end. But there have definitely been times where I’ve felt overwhelmed, stressed, or like the blog was more hassle than it was worth.
The time I felt this the most intensely was when I had a mental health breakdown in 2019. I wasn’t having sex, and even thinking about sex was painful, so I felt like a fraud running this blog.
I’m glad I took a hiatus when I needed it, but I’m also glad I stuck around.
“What post are you most proud of?”
That’s a tough call, because there are a few that stand out. Overall, I think I have to say this one, in which I present a defence of hierarchical polyamory. A lot of people have thanked me for saying what I said here, and told me that it made them feel validated and accepted when they felt alienated from the non-monogamy community by the Rules Are Bad brigade.
“What post was the most difficult to write, and why?”
Again, there are a few contenders for this one. I think ultimately the most difficult, though, was the story of my D/s breakup. I’ve written a lot about that relationship and the abuse my ex and former Master inflicted upon me. But somehow writing about the fact that it still broke my heart when it ended was harder.
“What is your favourite coffee?”
My favourite coffee in the whole world is Raven’s Brew. It’s sadly difficult and expensive to get in the UK, so if any North American readers fancy hooking me up…?
“Are you going to stay up ’til 12 tonight, or wake up early for the first dawn?”
I think “neither” is entirely probable, to be honest. But staying up until midnight to see the new year in is far more likely.
“Which toy stands out as ‘this toy would be perfect if it just changed one small thing’ of the ones you’ve tried?”
I LOVE this question and I spent a long time pondering it.
I’m going to go with the Pillow Talk Sassy, an amazing vibrator that’s beautiful, powerful, and a great shape. The only thing wrong with it? You can’t adjust the intensity down without turning it off and starting again from the lowest setting.
“What’s your fave post that you wrote in 2020 and what post got the most traffic in 2020? I’m always curious how these differ.”
My favourite post from 2020 is probably How Lockdown Has Impacted My Body Image. I don’t write about my relationship with my body that often, because it’s uneasy and very personal, and I struggle to balance the need to honour my own feelings and challenges with acknowledging the privilege my body receives in society compared to many others. But on this occasion I’m glad I pushed through and wrote about it, because I’ve had a lot of very kind and positive feedback on it and a few people have told me it made them feel less alone.
As for the most traffic this year, well, my Google Analytics tells me that my most-viewed post during 2020 was this piece about subdrop that I wrote way back in 2017! My most viewed post this year that I actually published this year was my review of the We-Vibe Chorus.
“What’s your most underrated post?”
Oh, this is a difficult one! I’ve written a few things that I was really proud of and then disappointed by how little response they got. (And, conversely, a few things that felt like “space fillers” that my readers loved!)
The one that stands out from this year is this post about not wanting children. It felt quite personal and challenging to put out there, and I’m a little disappointed with its relative lack of attention compared to some of my other posts.
“What would you do differently if you were starting out now?”
In all honesty, not much, because I love where I ended up. There are two things that spring to mind:
- I would have gone self-hosted (moved away from a .wordpress.com domain) far more quickly than I did.
- I wouldn’t have accepted so many products to review without appropriate compensation (either sponsorship or a decent affiliate programme) in the early days.
Luckily, I caught on to both of these things pretty quickly and neither did any real damage. Otherwise, I’m pretty happy with how I did things!
“What is the one thing that frustrates you the most, specifically as a sex blogger?”
The ways that sex-related content isn’t taken seriously. From businesses assuming they can ask for free labour because this is “just a hobby” (it isn’t) to fuckboys sliding into my DMs with unsolicited dick pics, the assumption that sex writers and educators are professionals who deserve to be compensated for our work is so hard for folks to get their heads around.
Another strong contender, of course, is the way that social media platforms treat adult content. This censorship harms sex workers, bloggers, educators, content creators, and all those fans who consume our stuff.
“What is one post you have always wanted to write but not felt able/qualified to write?”
This is quite a difficult one to answer because I’ve always been careful to only write about things I feel reasonably confident I can speak to. That’s partly why I opened up to paid guest commissions – to bring a wider array of personal experiences, viewpoints, and voices to this space.
There are some things I’d love to write about someday that relate to some specific traumas and how they have impacted my journey through polyamory and non-monogamy, but right now it’s all still too raw and relatively recent. Maybe in a few years, but not yet.
“What did you write about that you thought was boring but found fascinating?”
I rarely write about things I think I might find boring, because at this point in my career I have the luxury to pick and choose and if something doesn’t sound interesting, I can just say “no thanks.” I’m aware of what a privilege that is!
Probably the most “more fun than I expected” job of this year was a last-minute commission I got from the wonderful folks at Hot Octopuss to write about International Fetish Day. I got to delve into the history of this celebration/protest, consider what it even means to have a kink or a fetish, and speak to the incredible Myles Jackman, obscenity lawyer extraordinaire.
“What is something you never thought would happen four years ago that feels like a common practice now?”
Getting paid to write about sex!
“Is there a toy you really wish someone would make that doesn’t exist yet?”
Yes! I wish someone would make a cunnilingus simulator that actually feels like cunnilingus!
I don’t know if this is even possible or how you would go about it, but I’d buy the fuck out of this if someone managed to create it.
“What’s one of the most eye opening things you’ve learned as a sex blogger?”
The sheer, infinite variety of human sexuality continues to baffle and amaze me every single day, and I absolutely love that. Just when I think I’ve seen everything and can no longer be surprised, I’ll learn about some new kink or fetish or activity I had no idea existed. That’s one of the reasons I write about sex – it’s so endlessly varied that it’s impossible to run out of things to say.
“Is there anything you’ve dramatically changed your mind on over these last four years?”
I can’t think of anything I’ve done a complete 180 on in the last few years – most of those happened prior to starting this blog. However, I’m learning and growing all the time, and being a sex blogger has been a huge part of that.
“How often do you have sex?”
It varies massively, and this year has been lower than my typical average – partly due to pandemic stress, and partly due to not being able to see any of my lovers outside of my nesting relationship for most of the year.
Most of the time, it probably averages out to once every couple of weeks, sometimes more often. That’s for partnered sex specifically.
“How do you define your sexual orientation? Be as detailed as you like in your answer!”
I most often use the term “bisexual” (I fancy both genders like mine and genders unlike mine.) But I sometimes wonder if I should switch to using “pansexual”, because I have the ability to fancy, have sex with, and fall in love with folks of any gender and none.
I also like “queer” as a catch-all to indicate that I’m not heterosexual, and “femme” as a descriptor of my gender presentation and my role in romantic/sexual relationships.
So yeah. Queer bi femme.
Got any more questions for me?
If there’s enough interest, I’ll do a follow-up to this. Otherwise, thanks for sticking with me for all this time. Happy blogiversary to me, and happy new year to you all!