Fuck You, 2018 (A Surprisingly Positive Year-End Wrap Up)

A lot of things sucked about 2018. A lot. Two people in our lives passed away far too young.  Politics continues to be a fucking farce. It was generally a bit of a trash-fire.

But there were good things this year. Small good things sometimes, true, but good things nonetheless. So, in time-honoured fashion, here’s a top three round-up before we say goodbye to this hellscape of a year.

3 awesome new sex toys

  1. Blush Exposed Nocturnal Bullet. This little $32 powerhouse was probably the biggest surprise in this year’s reviewing. It’s small, powerful as hell, rumbly, has controls that actually make sense, and is ridiculously affordable. Now we just need a UK retailer to start stocking them.
  2. Womanizer Premium. At the other end of the spectrum, this was the most expensive toy I tried this year. Simply, nothing else quite mimics the sensations this thing produces. And the cool extras such as the Smart Silence feature really pushed it into the “worth the price” bracket for me.
  3. Sola Cue. A surprisingly strong and rumbly mid-priced vibe that I just keep coming back to again and again. A great in-between when a bullet is too pinpoint but a wand is too broad.

3 proudest achievements

  1. Making spot 6 on Molly’s Daily Kiss’ Top 100 Sex Blogs list. Holy fuck.
  2. Making just over £5000 from my blog this year.
  3. Raising £1100 for Abortion Support through Smutathon 2018: #SmutForChoice edition.

3 favourite blog posts

  1. On Weight, Rope, and Grief for the Body I Wanted. This was probably the most painful thing I wrote this year, talking about being fat and not being okay with it and being unable to engage in some of the kinky things I want to do as a result.
  2. Me and My Fur: All About Body Hair. A love letter to my body hair, a tale of learning to love it, and a rant about the negative reactions it gets from society, all in one.
  3. Love Letters to People I’ll Never Fuck. A collection of mini love-letters for Valentine’s Day, celebrating non-romantic love – to my best friend, my metamour, the longest-standing friend I’m still in contact with, my childhood best friend who moved to Australia when we were 13, and a straight girl with whom I was once in unrequited love/a very emotionally complex friendship.

3 favourite publications elsewhere

  1. The Ethics of Age-Gap Relationships for Girl On The Net. Drawn heavily from my own experience in a relationship with a 20+ year age-gap, I discuss the ethical concerns to take into account if you want to date someone substantially older or younger than yourself.
  2. Sex Robots: The Next Frontier of Sexual Pleasure, or Damaging Rape Simulators? for Sex Tech Guide. I’ve been wanting to explore the topic of sex robots forever, and getting to dive deep into the consent implications of AI now and in the future was fascinating.
  3. Sex Blogging Saved My Soul for Hot Octopuss. A personal story of how this blog, and by extension this community, gave me hope and removed so much of my personal shame around sexuality.

3 favourite events

  1. Eroticon 2018, of course. This event changes my life a little bit for the better each year.
  2. My accidental-sex-party for my birthday.
  3. (Not a sexy event, but) my sibling’s wonderful wedding.

3 amazing books

  1. The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti. If you want to know what I mean when I say “virginity is a social construct invented to oppress women and girls,” read this book.
  2. Vibrator Nation by Lynn Comela. A fabulous history of feminist sex toy shops and how they did so much for the business and politics of sexual pleasure in America and beyond.
  3. Playing Well With Others by Mollena Williams-Haas and Lee Harrington. The book I wish I’d had when I was entering the kink scene a decade or so ago!

3 superstar humans (apart from my two romantic partners!)

  1. Kayla Lords of Loving BDSM, The Smutlancer and more. I never stop learning from this amazing woman (and her equally wonderful husband!) In particular, she’s done so much for me personally with regards to advising me as I launch my Smutlancing career and try to go full time as a professional writer.
  2. Quinn Rhodes of On Queer Street. Yes, you’ve probably gathered by now that we’re play-partners, but beyond and separately from that, in this remarkable woman I have found a true friend and a creative kindred spirit.
  3. My metamour Pippin. I’ve not always had the best experience with metamours, but they welcomed me with open arms into The Artist’s life and continue to be a wonderful friend. They introduced me to the concept of “radical cosiness” and being a part of this polycule continues to be one of the most profoundly healing experiences of my life.

3 goals for 2019

  1. Make £10,000 from my blog and associated Smutlancing activities this year.
  2. Significantly advance my vanilla writing work and income from this.
  3. Finish my damn novella.

And that’s it, folks. Everyone with me now: fuck you, 2018, you relentless garbage-fire of a year.

Thank God It’s Over.

[Toy Review] Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples

Hey, did you see I have a newsletter now? Sign up for a bi-weekly delivery of latest posts, stories of my adventures, sex toy deals and filth straight to your inbox! Now on to the review. 

I try really hard not to be prejudiced against a toy before it’s even been anywhere near my bits. But I have to admit there was a part of me that hated the Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples on sight. Perhaps that’s why it’s languished at the bottom of my “to be reviewed” pile for six months. My bias is a little bit because I get pissed off when “for couples” is used interchangeably with “to be used during penis-in-vagina intercourse,” is if that’s the only type of sex couples have. It’s a little bit because I hate the late-nineties text-s  peak tweeness of “4” instead of “for”. And it’s a lot because I looked at this fucking thing and went “there is no way that’s gonna be effective”.

Facts ‘n’ Figures

The Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples lying on my laptop keyboard.

The Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples is one of the models in Satisfyer’s new generation line, which also includes the G Spot Rabbit (which I quite enjoyed) and the Pro Plus Vibration (which I adored). It’s V-shaped, clearly vaguely modeled after other wearable-during-intercourse vibes such as the We-Vibe Sync (which I recently reviewed for Sex Tech Guide). It utilises Satisfyer’s signature contactless stimulation via rapid pulses of air or “pressure waves”.

There’s a large bulky part which sits against the vulva and houses the pressure wave/suction clitoral stimulator. The second arm is shorter, very slim and flexible, and is designed to sit inside the vagina and vibrate.

This toy boasts two separate motors. The clitoral stimulator has 11 different levels of intensity, and the internal arm has 10 vibration patterns. They are controlled by separate buttons and can be used together or independently.

The Pro 4 Couples is fully waterproof and USB rechargeable. It retails for $99.99 on Lovehoney USA. At time of writing it is not available through the UK site.

Care & Cleaning of Your Satisfyer…

Like all Satisfyer products, the Pro 4 Couples is body-safe. The exterior is matte silicone, the buttons are plastic, and the silicone nozzle end is removable for easier cleaning. Being waterproof, you can submerge it to clean it fully, or use a medical wipe for a quick clean-up. It’s not really condom/barrier compatible.

As always, I recommend water-based lube for silicone toys.

The Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples lying on a white lined notebookGood Points

No toy is all bad. (Scratch that: some toys are all bad). It would be unfair not to acknowledge the Pro 4 Couples’ good points, even though the overall product didn’t work for me.

I really like the air pressure technology Satisfyer use for their clitoral stimulators. It provides intense pleasure without numbing, and this toy is no exception.

I also liked that you can control the clitoral arm and the internal arm separately. I hate vibrations inside my vagina, so being able to turn them off was a godsend.

What I didn’t like

Literally everything else?

Though I’m sure it will work for some people, this product just feels really badly designed to me. For one thing, it doesn’t stay in place! I struggled to get it to stay on my clitoris without using my hands when I was using it solo and staying very still. There is absolutely no way this thing would remain in position during any sort of thrusting..

Secondly, I found the internal arm not only provided no pleasure but was actually painful! This is quite a feat considering how small it is. It tapers to a point for some reason, and when I put the toy in the right position so that the suction nozzle was over my clitoris, this pointy end poked painfully into the wall of my vagina.

Third, there’s no way I could get a penis inside me alongside this toy. I tried valiantly with a dildo (a small dildo!) and it just made the painful poking feeling worse.

Finally, the internal vibrations are buzzy as fuck. I tried them on my clit, just for fun, and I was going numb within a few seconds.

I’m willing to accept that this toy might work well for some people as a solo toy, if their vulva happens to be shaped in exactly the right way to fit with it, but as a toy for wearing during intercourse it’s simply not fit for purpose.

Needless to say, I don’t recommend it. But what should you get instead?

If you’re looking for a pressure wave clitoral stimulator for solo use, get the Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration. For dual clitoral suction and G-spot stimulation, get the G-Spot Rabbit. Or for a toy to use for clitoral pleasure during intercourse, get the We-Vibe Sync.

I can see what Sayisfyer were going for with the Pro 4 Couples, but it just misses the mark in so many different ways. A really disappointing offering from a manufacturer I usually like.

Thanks to Satisfyer for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. All opinions mine, etc. If you want to support me, please become a Patron, buy me a coffee, or shop using the affiliate links in this post and the right hand sidebar.