[Better Sex Products Review] For Play Couples’ Chocolate

Whenever I encounter a sex-related thing I haven’t tried before, I immediately want to try it (and tell my readers all about it, obviously.) That’s why, when For Play Couples’ Chocolate came across my social feed recently, I immediately fired off an email to founder Victoria to enquire about featuring them on my blog.

She was kind enough to send me some samples of her company’s products to try. We decided to publish this review today in celebration of World Chocolate Day.

Sex and chocolate are, after all, two of life’s greatest pleasures.

So What is For Play Chocolate?

For Play Couples' Chocolate

For Play Chocolate came about when Victoria – a former CMO with an MBA – began to research the issue of sustaining intimacy in a long-term relationship. Drawing on research from an array of experts including Dr Karen Gurney and Emily Nagoski, PhD, she decided to create a product to “remind couples to make time for intimacy and play.”

Known variously as couples’ chocolate, sex chocolate, horny chocolate, and aphrodisiac chocolate, For Play Chocolate kits are designed to help couples to connect, get in the mood for romance, and enjoy greater levels of intimacy.

Each box of For Play Chocolates comes with six chocolates (three for each partner) and six “Play Cards”. The cards offer suggestions for erotic experiences to try, from taking a sexy shower together to experimenting with food play. There are also question prompts you can use to help you connect, reflect, and learn more about each other and your relationship.

The chocolates are labelled “His” and “Hers”, and there are boxes available for same-gender or different-gender couples. I’d love to see a non-binary or genderless version added to the range in the future, if possible.

They come beautifully packaged in sleek and stylish boxes in either pink, purple, or green. The chocolates themselves are beautiful, too, decorated with pink and bronze edible shimmer. The overall first impression is of luxury and high quality.

For Play’s products are vegan and made using ethically sourced 62% Ecuadorian dark chocolate. Their supplier is Original Beans chocolate, rated as a leading company by Chocolate Scorecard for environmental, sustainability, and labour practices.

How Does It Work?

For Play’s chocolate is super delicious, combining the sweet-bitter combo of quality dark chocolate with the infusion of subtle, natural botanical flavours. It melts smoothly in the mouth and the popping candy leaves a fun tingling sensation in its wake.

But how does it work?

Mr C&K had a long chat about this when we sampled our chocolates, and we came to the conclusion that this product works in two main ways. I’m going to call them “direct” and “indirect.”

The Direct Effects: The Science Bit

The direct way that For Play Chocolate works is through its botanical and adaptogenic ingredients. To understand this better, we need to delve into the science a little bit.

An aphrodisiac, in the most basic sense, is “a food or drug that arouses sexual instinct, brings on desire, or increases sexual pleasure or performance” (Healthline.) Numerous foods, from oysters to strawberries and even hot chilli peppers, have been alleged to be aphrodisiacs throughout history.

Another common food thought to have aphrodisiac properties? Dark chocolate.

Little to no concrete scientific evidence directly links most common aphrodisiac foods to an increase in sexual desire. However, this doesn’t mean there is nothing to the concept at all. Experts have attempted to explain aphrodisiacs’ apparent benefits through various means, from simple placebo to the sensual pleasure of consuming delicious things, the “luxury” status that society affords some of these foods, and the impact on bodily functions that play a role in sexual activity and desire (such as blood flow and dopamine release.)

Some foods and edible compounds, therefore, may play a role in sexual functioning in various ways. Let’s look at the active ingredients in For Play’s couples’ chocolate and what the research has to say about them.

Dark Chocolate

Cacao pods

Dark chocolate is rich in both antioxidants and caffeine, both of which can improve blood flow. It also contains L-arginine, which may enhance sexual responsiveness. A 2021 systematic review suggested that “l-arginine, as part of a combination product, may be considered for the treatment of women with Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, regardless of age.” (Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder or HSDD is, broadly, a lack of sexual desire or very low desire that causes distress or negatively impacts your life.) Consuming chocolate also triggers the release of chemicals such as endorphins and dopamine, which are associated with feelings of happiness and wellbeing.

Maca

Maca powder

Maca, which comes from the Peruvian maca root plant, has long been thought to boost fertility and sex drive. One 2002 study indicated an improvement in self-perception of sexual desire in men after 8 weeks of maca use. Another pilot investigation also indicated that treatment with maca extract increased sexual desire amongst male athletes. Maca is only in For Play’s “For Him” chocolates, as there is currently more evidence for its effectiveness in (cis) men.

Ashwagandha

Ashwagandha

Ashwagandha is a herb that originated in India and has been utilised in various ways for centuries. A 2015 pilot study showed that ashwagandha root extract could improve sexual functioning in otherwise healthy cis women. Another 2022 study indicated that treatment with ashwagandha provided a “statistically significant improvement” in sexual functioning amongst women with HSDD. Ashwagandha is in For Play’s “For Her” chocolates.

Fenugreek

Fenugreek seeds

Fenugreek, a clover-like herb that belongs to the pea family, finds use in both cooking and herbal medicines. One study found that “Sexual function analysis for all women… found that treatment with fenugreek resulted in reported increases in sexual arousal and desire in women” (Tester, 2015.) Another double-blinded and placebo-controlled 2021 study found that fenugreek “offered significant beneficial effects to sexual problems” amongst its female participants.

Korean ginseng

Ginseng

Ginseng is a vasodilator, or something that opens the blood vessels. By increasing blood flow in this way, it can have sexual benefits such as helping with erectile dysfunction. A small 2002 study and a 2008 systematic review found “suggestive evidence for the effectiveness of red ginseng in treating ED.” Likewise, a placebo-controlled double blind 2010 study found that “Oral administration of KRG extracts improved sexual arousal in menopausal women.”

In a Nutshell…

A product like For Play Chocolate is a helping hand, not a magic bullet. If you’re stressed out, angry at your partner, or suffering from the sexual side effects of health problems or medication, it isn’t going to magically override all that and make you horny. No food or substance can, because human sexuality is way more complicated than that.

What its ingredients can do, though, is give your body a natural nudge in the right direction. Combined with creating the right conditions for pleasure and intimacy – which we’ll discuss more in the next section – these adaptogenic ingredients can work with your body to enhance intimacy and pleasure.

For Play notes that you should seek medical advice before using their products if you are pregnant, breastfeeding, or taking any medications. And, of course, you should avoid this product if you are allergic or sensitive to any of the ingredients.

The Indirect Effects: Finding New Ways to Stay Connected

For Play Couples' Chocolate

The indirect way that For Play Chocolate works is all about creating the time, space, and physical and emotional context for greater intimacy in your relationship.

Sex, after all, is mental at least as much as physical. In her life-changing book Come As You Are, Emily Nagoski writes extensively about the devastating impact that life stress, mental health challenges, lack of trust, lack of emotional safety, and feelings of pressure can have on sexual desire. To connect better with our partners and ourselves, we need to reduce stress, feel safe and seen, and make space for desire and pleasure.

Staying connected and keeping intimacy, passion, and sex going in a long-term relationship can be challenging. New relationship energy (NRE) naturally fades over time into the more comfortable, cosy warmth of long-term love. This is particularly true when you’re married or nested, your lives are very entangled, or you’re raising children together.

It is important for couples to set time aside to focus on each other and their relationship. Exploration, adventure, and trying new things can all help to keep the spark of novelty alive. With those things and a little effort, the long haul can be where the really good stuff is. There’s nothing like completely knowing someone and them knowing you inside and out, and choosing each other every day.

Using a product like For Play Couples’ Chocolate can help you to create that all-important time together. It can facilitate the conditions needed for intimacy of all kinds – including sexual, physical, and emotional – to flourish.

For Play Couples’ Chocolate is really a date night in a box. You get to set aside dedicated time for your relationship, enjoy some tasty treats together, and explore new ways of connecting. There are even some suggested Spotify playlists to help set the mood.

I found the question cards particularly great for this aspect of the experience. The question prompts sparked some interesting discussions and also plenty of laughter. Even seemingly simple questions (“What does intimacy mean to you?” was my favourite) can get you thinking and talking about things in a different way.

Verdict

For Play Couples' Chocolate

I really enjoyed this product, which is far more than just a gimmick. A lot of thought and care has gone into the formulation and creation of For Play’s kits. The quality of the chocolate, ethical credentials, and beautiful presentation really elevates them, too.

For Play Chocolates retail for £28 per kit. That’s less than you’d pay for a meal in a mid-range restaurant or about what you’d pay for a couple of drinks in a nice bar. Since you only need one chocolate each time, you’ll get three experiences out of one box. And, of course, you can continue to use the cards for as long as you like.

A thoughtful (and tasty) romantic gift or a cute way to set aside a little “us time” with your partner. There’s also a 30 day satisfaction guarantee with your purchase.

Shop For Play Couples’ Chocolate here.

Thanks to For Play Chocolate for sending me this product to test and sponsoring this review. All views are, as always, mine. Professional product images by For Play and reproduced here with permission.

[Toy Review] Funzze Orgasm Monster Pro

When a company offers me toys to review and gives me free rein to choose products from their catalogue, as Funzze did recently, it becomes an increasingly complicated decision the longer I do this work. There are, after all, only so many variations on the basic vibrator, dildo, or stroker out there in the world, and I do like to keep things interesting. I tend to select review products, therefore, in one of three ways:

  1. Choose the thing I think might actually get me off
  2. Choose something with an intriguing name or description
  3. Choose the most bonkers and unhinged stuff I can find

On this occasion, I went with a combination both options #1 and #2, which is how the amusingly-named but intriguingly-designed Funzze Orgasm Monster Pro came to be in my possession.

What is the Funzze Orgasm Monster Pro?

Funzze Orgasm Monster Pro clitoral stimulator

The Funzze Orgasm Monster Pro is described as a “high frequency clit stimulator.” It tapers up to a point, ending in a rounded tip which rotates at high speeds when the vibrations are switched on. It is made of body-safe silicone with an ABS plastic accent band above the handle.

The Orgasm Monster also comes with two additional removable silicone tips, one shaped like a little tongue and the other shaped like a pair of bunny ears.

The Funzze Orgasm Monster Pro is USB rechargeable and fully waterproof (submersible.) It also comes with a storage bag, which is a nice touch you don’t usually get for toys at this price-point. In terms of battery life, I got a couple of hours out of mine on a full charge.

What I Liked About This Toy

I found a lot to like about the Funzze Orgasm Monster Pro, particularly given its very affordable price (we’ll talk about that more in a minute.) So what did I like about it?

  • Perhaps most importantly, it lived up to its name. It gets me off, and it does so pretty reliably.
  • I love the inclusion of the additional heads! This simple little extra adds so much more bang for your buck, do to speak. It also makes the toy an appealing choice for those who are new to clitoral toys. Having options allows you to experiment with a few different sensations to find out what you like. Each of the three options (no head, bunny ears head, or tongue head) provides a distinctive experience.
  • The stimulation this toy offers is very, very pinpoint. Of course, this isn’t everyone’s thing. It’s not even my thing all the time – I have to be in the mood for it! But when that’s what I’m after, this toy delivers. If you are looking for seriously pinpoint clitoral pleasure, you’ll find it here.
  • I absolutely love the bunny ears attachment. The soft and flexible ears flicker back and forth, and – in my experience – feel particularly good when positioned on either side of my clit from above, stimulating it from the sides.
  • The tip offers a good mix of firmness and flexibility. The “ball” at the top is pretty firm, but the neck leading to it has some give. This means that you can enjoy intense stimulation but, for me at least, without it tipping over into “so intense it’s painful.”
  • It’s pretty powerful, particularly when used without either of the attachments! I can sometimes orgasm with this toy without even turning it onto the most powerful setting, which is pretty impressive (and, honestly, pretty rare.)
  • It is not “silent”, despite what the marketing copy says (there is literally no such thing as a silent vibrator. It does not exist.) However, at under 50dB it’s also not too loud and its noise level and type is fairly unobtrusive.
  • The handle is comfortable to hold and only minimally transmits vibrations into my hand.
  • Its single button is easy to press, well positioned, and sufficiently raised that you can feel for it without needing to look.
  • It retails at just $35.99. That’s about £28 for my UK readers. There’s also a one-year warranty included should you have any problems.

Anything I Didn’t Like?

Funzze Orgasm Monster Pro clitoral stimulator

Overall, I like the Funzze Orgasm Monster Pro quite a lot. There were a few things that didn’t work so well for me, though:

  • I really don’t like the tongue attachment. Despite the promising flicking motion when I switched it on, the flicking completely stops as soon as I actually apply it to my body. The result is the sensation of being poked in the clit by the surprisingly pointy little tongue. Your experience may vary, of course, as this is really a matter of personal preference.
  • This is probably unavoidable, but the tips do dampen the vibration transmission quite a bit. I found this more noticeable with the tongue attachment than the bunny ears one, but with both it significantly reduced the intensity.
  • I don’t love the one-button interface. It’s easy to use, but only being able to scroll one way through the settings and patterns is annoying. For a toy this intense, it would greatly improve the user experience to be able to go down a setting without having to scroll all the way back through.
  • The vibrations, though decently strong, are pretty buzzy. I personally find that less problematic on a pinpoint toy than a broader one, for some reason, but it’s something to be aware of.

Verdict

This is a surprisingly good little clitoral toy at a very affordable price! Whether you’re on a budget or just looking to experiment with pinpoint clitoral toys, it’s a good pick and holds its own against many of its much pricier competitors. I probably need to reevaluate my cynicism about cheaper toys, honestly. They really do seem to be getting better and better all the time. This one impressed me more than I expected it to!

The Orgasm Monster Pro is available directly from Funzze.

Thanks to Funzze for sponsoring this post. This means they paid me to write an honest and unbiased review. All opinions and writing are, as always, mine.

[Toy Review] Nothosaur Toys ALLA

Nothosaur Toys only recently came onto my radar, when they reached out and asked about sponsorship. But I’ve already begun recommending them to readers who ask me about fantasy toys. With an impressive collection including alien dildos, tentacle dildos, dragon dildos, fantasy grinders, and much more, they have all sorts of great offerings for fans of the weird and wonderful.

Nothosaur were also kind enough to send me a product from their range to review. Meet the ALLA.

What is the Nothosaur Toys ALLA?

Nothosaur Toys ALLA, a long pink and blue tentacle dildo

The Nothosaur Toys ALLA is a tentacle dildo based on sources such as the Kraken sea monster mythology and the Cthulhu science fiction/horror stories. And it is literally a giant tentacle. It features a large heavy base and two rows of suckers along a flexible shaft. The long shaft tapers gently to a point.

The ALLA is available in several colourways. I chose the light pinkish-purple with blue accents known as “Redemption”, which is super pretty. For a small additional cost, you can also request a custom colourway of your choice.

The ALLA is available in six sizes, ranging from XS (11.8″ in total length) up to “Legendary” (41″ in total length.) Pay close attention to the size chart when you’re ordering, because if you’re not careful you’ll end up with something a lot bigger than you expected! I ordered the ALLA in a medium, which measures 22″ in total length and 1.1″ in diameter towards the top of the tentacle. The sheer idea of one that’s almost twice as large again makes my eyes water, but you might be a lot braver than me!

What I Like About the ALLA

Nothosaur Toys are gaining a great reputation in the world of fantasy sex toys, and it’s easy to see why. The ALLA is the first of their products I have tried, and there are plenty of things about it that I really like. Namely:

  • The Nothosaur Toys ALLA is a beautifully designed dildo. If you have a tentacle kink, I don’t think you could do much better! The detailing is impressive and the use of the two silicone colours adds both depth and an ethereal, otherworldly quality which can be tremendously appealing to lovers of fantasy toys. The Nothosaur dragon insignia is stamped into the base.
  • The silicone is body-safe and looks and feels to be of a high quality. So many fantasy toys are still being made from unsafe jelly materials or porous TPE/TPR. It’s great to see more and more silicone options coming onto the market. The ALLA’s silicone is very matte, and the suckers can be a little grabby, so using plenty of water-based lube is essential.
  • “Depth play” and “depth training” – gradually training your body to take longer toys safely and comfortably, either vaginally or anally – isn’t my thing as I find it far more painful than pleasurable. However, it is a fairly popular kink and relatively few body-safe toy options for this purpose have been available. The ALLA, with its softness and long, tapered body, is perfect for those who want to focus on depth of penetration in their play.
Nothosaur Toys ALLA tentacle dildo, close up of suckers

  • That texture! Oh my goodness, that texture! The ALLA’s suckers provide incredible additional stimulation when you use it internally. And there’s another possibility, too: repurposing the ALLA as a grinding toy for clitoral play. Seriously, try it and thank me later.
  • Thanks to the large base and lengthy shaft, the ALLA is anal-safe if that’s your thing.
  • Its suction cup holds it in place well despite its large size and significant weight. Some reviewers have commented that they can hang the entire toy from the ceiling with the suction cup!
  • The toy arrived quickly, and was discreetly packaged with no indication of what was inside.

Anything I Didn’t Like?

Nothosaur Toys ALLA tentacle dildo, shown in full length

When I tried to use it for (presumably) its intended purpose of penetration, I found the ALLA to be slightly too floppy and flexible to be truly satisfying. I was able to insert it with plenty of lubrication and warm-up, but it took a few attempts because it kept bending away from my body when I applied pressure rather than slipping inside. If you enjoy very soft, flexible and gentle toys, this might be a good thing for you. For me, though, I found I wanted a little more rigidity.

I ordered the ALLA in medium firmness (the firmer of the two available options, the other being “soft.”) So keep this in mind if you’re looking for a firmer penetrative toy. I’m actually not convinced I’d be able to use it anally for this reason. All bodies are different, though, so your mileage may vary.

Due to its design, the ALLA can also be a bit of a pain to clean. All those little suckers can harbour bodily fluids, which can breed bacteria if not properly cleaned. For that reason, I really recommend boil-sterilising your toy after each use to ensure that it is completely clean. It just has too many creases and crevices for me to feel confident recommending any other method.

Verdict

The ALLA is totally different from anything else in my collection, and I kind of love it. I am unlikely to use it as a penetrative toy again (as I said, it’s a little too flexible for me and ultra lengthy toys aren’t really my thing.) However, I will definitely be making plenty of use of the clitoral stimulation possibilities afforded by all those fabulous little suckers!

If you’re looking for a fantasy-style depth trainer or just have a kink for tentacles, you’ll love this toy.

The ALLA’s retail price depends upon the size and customisation options you choose. It begins from just $79.99 for the XS size in a standard colourway, up to $379.99 for the Legendary size. With the smaller options surprisingly affordable and the larger options reasonably priced considering the materials and skill that go into crafting these toys, I am happy to call the Nothosaur ALLA a great value product!

You can also use coupon code COFFEE for 10% off your entire Nothosaur Toys order.

Thanks to Nothosaur Toys for sending me the ALLA and sponsoring this honest and unbiased review. All views and writing, as ever, are mine. Don’t forget to check out the rest of the Nothosaur catalogue including the limited-edition Pride range!

[Toy Review] Mr Hankey’s Toys Unicorn Dildo

In my first Mr Hankey’s Toys review last month, I noted that I was kinda blown away by the sheer size of the toy in front of me. That theme continues in this, the second of three Mr Hankey’s reviews: today, we’re looking at the descriptively-named Unicorn Dildo.

When the Mr Hankey’s Toys gave me pretty much free rein (heh) to pick a selection of toys from their site, I couldn’t possibly resist this one. I mean, just look at it!

Mr Hankey's Toys unicorn dildo pink unicorn horn dildo

Mr Hankey’s Toys Unicorn Dildo

The Mr Hankey’s Toys Unicorn Dildo is available in four sizes, ranging in total length from 12″ up to 18.38″, in insertable length from 7″ up to 12″, and in diameter at the widest insertable point from 1.51″ up to 2.7″. I requested the second smallest size (“Medium”), which measures 14″ in overall length, 8″ in insertable length, and 1.83″ in diameter at the widest insertable point. Once the decorative base is factored in, this is a large toy.

This toy is made of 100% body-safe silicone.

It is also available in four firmness levels: 40% soft (the softest), 75% soft, medium firm, and extra firm. You can get it in any of 24 different colourways, including a white/gold two tone. I requested bubblegum pink because I was feeling extra femme that day and it seemed somehow appropriate for this toy. There’s also the option to add a vac-u-lock hole.

Things I Like About the Mr Hankey’s Toys Unicorn Dildo

Mr Hankey's Toys unicorn dildo bent in the middle to show its flexibility

I mean, the entire design of this toy is just so whimsical and delightful. When you’ve tested and reviewed as many sex toys as I have, one vaguely penis-shaped piece of silicone starts to blend into the next. (Figuratively. Silicone toys do not melt together in storage and I wish this stupid myth would die already. But that’s a rant for another day.)

But a toy that looks like a unicorn horn? Yeah, that’s new and novel. The detailing is impressive and gives a fun and playful feel that makes me smile every time I see its silly face and ginormous horn on my desk, where it is currently functioning as a particularly “extra” paperweight.

I chose the 75% soft option, which is the second softest. In this shape, that means the horn part is very squishy, bendy, and flexible. According to the company, this softness level mimics a bio-cock at 75-80% of full erection, but on this product it definitely seems softer and more flexible than that. If you want anything other than serious squish and flex, go for one of the firmer options. If, like me, you tend to prefer less intense insertable toys, the 75% soft is a great choice.

I also like the gently tapered design a lot. Coupled with the flex, this makes it ideal for targeted but not-too-intense G-spot stimulation.

The texturing of the horn is lovely, too. A lot of textured insertable toys are too much for me. They can be so intense that they become uncomfortable or even painful. The Unicorn Dildo, though, has a subtle rippling, twisted texture that is pronounced enough to be felt but also gentle.

Thanks to the bottom-heavy design, the Unicorn Dildo stands on its own. The company does warn that not all firmness levels and sizes will necessarily do this, though, so be aware of that if this feature is important to you. It does mean that putting it down on a firm surface and using it hands-free is potentially an option for users who are so inclined.

This large base also means that the Unicorn Dildo is totally anal-safe, if that’s your thing.

Anything I Didn’t Like?

Mr Hankey's Toys unicorn horn dildo

As with the Perfect Penis dildo I reviewed last month, my only real complaint with the Unicorn Horn dildo is that it’s heavy. The large and solid base really adds some weight and heft to this toy, meaning that it can be a challenge to lift and manipulate if you struggle with holding heavy objects.

The silicone is perhaps a little more matte than I would ideally prefer, which means it can be quite grabby. For large toys like this one, that’s very noticeable. However, it’s nothing that you can’t solve with plenty of water-based lube. It also picks up quite a lot of lint and dust in storage, so you’ll want to give it a quick wash or wipe before each use.

Due to the grooves and ridges of the detailed design, I recommend boil-sterilising your Unicorn Dildo to ensure that it’s not harbouring any bacteria in those hard-to-clean areas.

Otherwise? No complaints at all.

Verdict

I love this product! Even in the second smallest size, it’s probably a little too large and hefty for me to actually use it super often, though it’ll definitely get the occasional outing for its intended purpose. It is playful and unique, the insertable part is genuinely well-designed, and when I’m not using it I’ll probably keep it on display anyway because it makes a fun ornament in the sex-positive den of chaos that is my office.

I love that Mr Hankey’s Toys are offering very large dildos made exclusively of body-safe materials. I often receive requests for large toy recommendations. Unfortunately, many of the manufacturers making them are still using unsafe and porous materials. Mr Hankey’s Toys products aren’t cheap, but you’ll get some serious quality for your money. With a little care, one of these toys could last years if not decades.

The Mr Hankey’s Toys Unicorn Dildo starts from $134.95 for the smallest size in a basic colourway. Prices increase as you go up in size and add customisations.

Thanks to Mr Hankey’s Toys for sponsoring this review. This means they paid me to write a fair and honest review. All views and experiences are, as always, my own.

[Toy Review] Funzze Super Powerful Massager

It’s no secret that I love wand vibrators. I don’t even know how many I own at this point – it must be at least a dozen, possibly closer to 20. Yet, whenever I get offered the chance to review one, I jump at it. They’re a classic for a reason, after all, and have stood the test of time ever since Betty Dodson taught women how to masturbate with the Hitachi Magic Wand in the living room of her New York apartment back in the 1970s. (What a legend that woman was.)

I’m pleased to be bringing you another wand vibrator review today courtesy of Funzze, who kindly sent me the Funzze Super Powerful Massager, their take on the wand vibrator, to try out and review for you all.

Funzze Super Powerful Massager

Funzze Super Powerful Massager wand vibrator

The Funzze Super Powerful Massager is a wand style vibrator with a long handle and a large head, measuring a total of 13.5″ in length. Its head is made of body-safe silicone and the body is ABS plastic. The button panel, located in the middle of the handle, is also silicone. The only colour it comes in is black.

This toy is USB rechargeable. You’ll get anything from an hour to 2 hours of use (depending on settings) out of a full charge, which takes around 3 hours.

The Funzze Super Powerful Massager arrived in discreet packaging, with the toys packed in simple branded cardboard boxes. It also comes with a drawstring storage bag.

What I Like About the Funzze Super Powerful Massager

Funzze Super Powerful Massager wand vibrator bent to show the flexible neck

In short, I am really impressed with how well the Funzze Super Powerful Massager holds up, even compared to much more expensive products. Let’s have a look at all the specific things I liked about it.

  • First and most importantly: those vibrations! The Funzze Super Powerful Massager really lives up to its name – its power level is seriously impressive. Even better, the vibrations are fairly rumbly. This means that you get deep, satisfying stimulation rather than a numbing buzz. It gets the job done, and it gets it done quickly and reliably.
  • The firmness of the head. This makes it easy to get a good amount of pressure, and it transmits the vibrations well.
  • The flexible neck. This allows you to position the toy exactly where and how you want it. However, it’s not so flexible that it’s impossible to get any pressure. This can be a difficult balance to strike, but this toy does it well.
  • There are 8 speed settings and a massive 20 different patterns, which can be used in any combination.
  • It is compatible with many standard wand attachments. Want to add texture or turn your wand into a penis masturbator or rabbit vibe? Just add a topper and you’re good to go.
  • It’s fairly light for its size, weighing just over 300g.
  • The buttons are easy to press, well placed, and the controls are intuitive. There’s an on/off button, a button to change the pattern, and a button to change the speed. The buttons are raised and large enough that it’s easy to press them without looking.
  • An on/off button that you just press and don’t have to hold down. This might sound like a small thing, but it really makes a difference to my experience using a toy.
  • The inclusion of a storage bag is a nice touch, particularly for such an inexpensive product.
  • The super affordable price point! The Funzze Super Powerful Massager retails for a bargain $29.99. It also comes with a 1-year warranty should anything go wrong.

Any Downsides?

Funzze Super Powerful Massager wand vibrator buttons

With all of those good things said, there were a few small things about the Funzze Super Powerful Massager that didn’t work so well for me.

  • For some reason, when you switch on the Funzze Super Powerful Massager, it starts at the highest setting. This might not be a problem for those of us whose usual vibrator use pattern is “stick it on the most powerful speed and leave it there.” (Hello!) But if you prefer to start slowly and work up through the speeds, having to immediately switch down when you turn it on could be annoying.
  • The speed and pattern controls only scroll one way. So if you want to go back a step, you have to cycle all the way through all the settings to do so.
  • It’s not waterproof. Which is fair enough – most wand vibrators aren’t. This isn’t a big deal to me as I don’t generally use toys in water anyway, but if you like to masturbate in the bath or shower this is something to bear in mind. It also means it’s better to clean the wand with a sterile body-safe wipe rather than soap and water.
  • It’s moderately loud (companies: please stop claiming your toys are quiet when they demonstrably aren’t.) All wand vibrators are going to be loud to a certain extent, and it’s not egregious, but it’s certainly noticeable.
  • The single use plastic wrap around the toy inside the packaging box was unnecessary and is not very environmentally friendly.

Verdict

I’m often cynical about toys at very low price points, assuming they can’t possibly compete with their higher priced counterparts. I should probably reevaluate that assumption, though, because the Funzze Super Powerful Massager is so, so, so good for the price. Whether you’re on a budget and looking for a reliable staple or seeking an entry-level product to see whether wand vibrators work for you, this is a great option. Despite the small issues I identified, it’s an excellent toy that can easily compete with many of the pricier products in my collection.

You can buy this product directly from Funzze.

Thanks to Funzze for sending me this product and sponsoring this unbiased review. All writing and views are, as always, mine.

[Toy Review] Mr Hankey’s Toys Perfect Penis

I arrived home to find my shipment of products from Mr Hankey’s Toys waiting for me (discreetly packaged) on my doorstep. My first thought when I picked up the box was “bloody hell, these things are heavy!” When I opened the box, I understood why, as I was greeted by three gigantic hunks of silicone. This is the first of the three.

I requested the Perfect Penis in the medium, which is the second smallest available size, because I am not a size queen by any stretch of the imagination. I’d read the dimensions, but apparently hadn’t fully grasped the meaning of them. So imagine my expression when I realised that:

  1. This thing is the size of my fucking forearm.
  2. I cannot get my entire hand around its shaft.
  3. This is only the second of four sizes.

Mr Hankey’s Toys Perfect Penis: Details

Mr Hankey's Toys Perfect Penis green silicone dildo

The Mr Hankey’s Toys Perfect Penis in medium measures just under 11″ in total length and around 8″ in insertable length, with a circumference of 7″ (that’s a diameter of 2.2″.) There are various customisation options available for this toy. You can choose your size and level of firmness, whether or not to add a vac-u-lock hole, as well as a colour and colour effect.

As its name implies, the idea of this toy is that it is as close to a “perfect penis” as one can get. Mr Hankey’s Toys used AI to analyse an array of studies on preferred penis sizes and dimensions and create a range of dildos offering “the perfect balance of length and width.” The result is a realistic toy that includes a pronounced head, detailing such as a foreskin and frenulum, a textured shaft with veins, and realistic balls.

I can’t say I’ve ever had particularly strong opinions about penises, or indeed about what makes one perfect. I tend to be far more interested in the humans they’re attached to, and the actual shape and size of them is of far less interest to me. And, of course, what makes a body part perfect is inherently a subjective and personal question. Still, it was interesting to see this toy, the result of extensive analysis of folks’ penis preferences.

The Perfect Penis is made from body-safe matte silicone. I ordered mine in metallic green, just because I like green and I like unusual colours for my sex toys sometimes.

What I Like About the Mr Hankey’s Toys Perfect Penis

Mr Hankey's Toys Perfect Penis green silicone dildo

The Mr Hankey’s Toys Perfect Penis is, objectively and by all measures, an excellent dildo.

I chose the 75% soft, which is the second softest of four available options. According to the company, this mimics a bio penis that is at around 75-80% erect. This was definitely the right choice. I enjoy firm toys sometimes, but for this kind of size, a soft and squishy texture was definitely called for. It’s great that you can customise the toy’s firmness to your preferences. For me, being able to go for a softer and more flexible option made this toy far more useable and enjoyable.

I also particularly like the pronounced head and the additional stimulation it offers as you insert the toy.

The Perfect Penis’s matte silicone gives a fairly lifelike skin texture, and the overall realistic detailing on the toy is excellent. Of course, you can choose one of the flesh tones available if you want to make your toy even more realistic. I prefer bright colours that don’t resemble actual dicks, but your mileage may vary.

Using this toy is a challenge for me, though it certainly won’t be for everyone. I generally prefer girth over length for insertables, because anything hitting my cervix is painful, so it works best when I use just the first three inches or so of the toy’s shaft. Even then, plenty of warmup and tonnes of lube is essential.

Because it’s so bottom-heavy, this toy actually stays put in an upright position very well by itself. So if putting it down on a firm surface and using it hands-free is your thing, you can do that.

Also thanks to this base, the Perfect Penis is anal-safe. I, however, am not that brave so I did not attempt this.

If you decide to try giant dildos like this one, remember to take things slowly and use even more lube than you think you really need. I’m going to write a piece on safely and comfortably using very large toys soon, so look out for that. In the meantime, taking your time and listening to your body are the most important things you can do.

Anything I Didn’t Like?

Mr Hankey's Toys Perfect Penis green silicone dildo

My only real difficulty with the Perfect Penis was its weight. Because it’s a giant piece of solid silicone, it’s got some serious weight to it. This is something you’ll want to be aware of if holding and manipulating heavy toys is difficult for you.

The only other downside is that I can’t use it for strap-on sex. The balls and base are far too big to make it harness-compatible. I suspect their might be a market for a body-safe, strap-on-friendly toy of these dimensions, though. Other reviewers have noted that the Perfect Penis in size small is great for strap-on play.

It’s also worth noting that the Perfect Penis’s silicone is very matte and quite grabby. This isn’t really a complaint as such, but it makes plenty of lube even more essential.

This is admittedly a small gripe, but I didn’t love that the toys came shrink-wrapped in single-use plastic. I understand this might be for hygiene reasons, but silicone is so easy to sterilise and I always recommend cleaning a toy thoroughly before you use it for the first time anyway. Reusable storage bags, or ditching the individual packaging entirely, would be more eco-friendly.

Verdict

Readers often ask me for recommendations for very large dildos, and I sometimes struggle to know what to suggest. Many companies offering huge toys make them out of unsafe and porous materials to save money. So I am pleased to have somewhere to point size lovers looking for quality and body-safe products.

As for me? The Mr Hankey’s Toys Perfect Penis is definitely going to be a “once in a while”, not a “reliable staple”. But those can be fun too!

The Mr Hankey’s Toys Perfect Penis starts from $125.95 for the small size in a single colour, with prices going up as you move up the sizes and add customisations. But if size and more size is what you desire, you can’t go far wrong with this one.

Thanks to Mr Hankey’s Toys for sponsoring this review. This means they paid me to write a fair and honest review. All views and experiences are, as always, my own.

[Toy Review] FirmTech Tech Ring

When you’re a sex writer, you occasionally send texts to your friends what would be objectively weird in any other context. I recently sent one to my dear friend SilverDom (who has kindly helped me with reviews before) that amounted to “hey, do you want to test a dick Fitbit for me?” Obviously he said yes, because who could resist such an offer? So with SD’s help, I’m pleased to be bringing you a review of the FirmTech “Tech Ring.”

What is a Tech Ring?

FirmTech’s Tech Ring was developed by Elliot Justin, MD, FACEP, an Emergency Medicine specialist, telemedicine expert and sex toy enthusiast. The Tech Ring is a cock ring with a difference: this high-tech device features various sensors which gather information about the wearer’s penis health. It then connects with an app on your smartphone, allowing you to review and interpret this data.

FirmTech Tech Ring on its charging stand

FirmTech Tech Ring smart cock ring

So yes: it’s like a fitness tracker… but for your penis. I will never stop getting joy from calling it the “dick Fitbit.”

The Tech Ring has a penoscrotal design, meaning that it it wraps around both the testicles and shaft of the penis. It provides light pressure on the urethra (which some people say makes their orgasms more intense.) With an incredible 8-10 hour battery life and comfort-focused design, it’s suitable to wear for several hours or even overnight. And, of course, you can also wear it during sex.

I thought it would be easiest to show you how the Tech Ring is designed to be worn. To that end, I took a picture with the assistance of my Valm Triple Density Silicone Dildo:

FirmTech Tech Ring cock ring wrapped around a bright orange and pink silicone dildo

The Tech Ring comes packaged in an attractive circular box. It’s not unlike the sort of packaging you’d expect a fancy smartwatch or piece of tech to come in. Inside, you’ll find the Tech Ring, its USB charger, an extra sleeve, a travel pouch, and an instruction manual.

The Tech Ring is not waterproof (though it is splashproof) and it is compatible with all water-based lubes. You can take the sensor out of the sleeve to clean it, but it’s really fiddly to get it back in and there’s also the risk of ripping the material so I wouldn’t recommend doing this any more often than you really need to.

Why Would You Need So Much Information About Your Penis and Erections?

Please note that I am not a doctor or any kind of medical professional. I am sharing the facts as I understand them based on the available data, but please do not take anything in this review as any kind of medical advice. If you have concerns about any aspect of your health (sexual or otherwise) or are not sure whether a product like the Tech Ring is right for you, consult your doctor.

According to FirmTech: “number of nocturnal erections a man[1] has during REM sleep is predictive of vascular health.” They also state that “There is a very strong link between erectile dysfunction and heart disease. Several studies have shown that if a man[1] has ED, he has a greater risk of having heart disease.”

Did you know that? Because I didn’t.

You’ll also be able to learn how various factors, such as medications, alcohol, recreational drug use, and exercise play a role in your erectile health. This can help you to make more informed decisions about your health and lifestyle.

In other words, understanding your erectile and penile health is one way into a broader understanding of other aspects of your health. Pretty cool. This product is also endorsed by various medical doctors and urologists, so I feel pretty confident in saying that it’s not just a gimmick and the science stands up to scrutiny.

Of course, if sex is important to you – as it is to most of us! – the Tech Ring can also give you a bunch of interesting information about your sex life and sexual wellness.

[1] I don’t love the gendered language here. Apparently it’s been used so as not to turn off older men from the product. I have a general policy against gendered language which is why I’ve used “penis owner”/”person with a penis” throughout this review.

How Does It Function as a Cock Ring?

On their most basic level, cock rings do one thing: they help to keep blood inside the shaft of the penis, allowing the penis-owner to maintain a firmer erection for longer. They can also be very pleasurable to wear. Many different iterations, including vibrating cock-rings and even remote control ones, are now available.

But how does the Tech Ring stack up as a cock ring?

The exterior of the Tech Ring is made of medical-grade elastomer. It’s unclear whether this material is porous – the information I could find online was conflicting – but it is body-safe for external use.

When I first published this review, I said that I couldn’t see why the product wasn’t silicone. However, I’ve since spoken again to a member of the team and it turns out there’s a great reason for this!

Silicone is too tight and inelastic a material to be worn for hours. That’s why, when you see ordinary cock rings for sale, the advice is typically to wear them for no more than 30 minutes. Silicone can also choke off the arterial flow into the penis, meaning that silicone rings should be put on when already erect. Trials were conducted with silicone but elastomer was found to be both far safer and more comfortable for overnight wear.

FirmTech Tech Ring smart cock ring

The material feels flimsy and gathers lint and dust something awful, meaning that it starts to look dull and dirty again moments after washing it. It also has a slightly gummy texture that I don’t find particularly pleasant. Unfortunately, elastomer just isn’t as durable as some materials and there is already an area on the back of my Tech Ring where it’s starting to degrade and split.

The FirmTech tech ring’s material is very stretchy and gives a light but noticeable pressure when worn. If you have a girthier penis, though, the Tech Ring may be too small for you. The site says that it will comfortably fit anyone “except above 95% in girth.” SD reported finding it too tight to wear for a long period of time.

If you want your Tech Ring tighter for sexual pleasure purposes, though, you can just use the loop or a twist to tighten it. Never do this for overnight or long-term wear.

This product is not primarily designed for pleasure, and it shows. And that’s fine – I would never advocate spending close to $300 on a simple cock-ring! But if you’re primarily looking for something to increase pleasure during sex, this isn’t it.

How’s the App Functionality?

The FirmTech app is free to download for Apple or Android. First you’ll need to set up an account. When you do this, the app asks for data such as your height, weight, and date of birth as well as whether you have certain health conditions, drink alcohol, or use recreational drugs. You can choose to skip these questions if you’d prefer.

Warning: if you input your weight and height, a BMI chart will pop up and tell you whether you’re “underweight”, “healthy,” “overweight”, or “obese.” I hate this. Not only because it can be really triggering to people who suffer with body image struggles or disordered eating (hello!) but also because BMI is a massively flawed system.

You can then do something called the “Sexual Health Inventory for Men” which consists of a few short questions and helps you to assess your erectile fitness and identify whether you have any current or potential erectile dysfunction issues. Then, once you start using the Tech Ring, you’ll get access to information such as a “firmness score”, your average number of nocturnal erections, and your total number of erections per week.

Screenshot from the FirmTech app

(Screenshot shared without any actual data for privacy.)

Once you’ve set up your account, it’s time to connect the toy. This should only take seconds. Simply turn on the toy by pressing the power button once and then select “pair” in the app.

SD reported some issues with getting the app to connect to the device. He says: “Once charged, I was initially unable to get the device to pair with my phone. The blue light came on to indicate it was ready to pair, but no connection was ever estabished. In the end, I had to delete and reinstall the app and everything worked as it should”. When I tried it on my end, it worked the first time.

The app is fast and responsive, and becomes more and more useful the more you use it. I also found it fairly straightforward and intuitive to use once I’d taken a few minutes to learn what all the different functions did.

Using the FirmTech Tech Ring During Sex

One of the main selling points of the FirmTech Tech Ring is that you can wear it during sexual activity, including partnered sex and masturbation. Before you begin, simply set your ring to record a “session” and then masturbate or have sex as you normally would.

Screenshot from the FirmTech app

You can then use this data to make comparisons and use it to inform your health decisions. If you experience firm nocturnal erections but struggle to stay hard during sex, for example, that indicates that the problem is likely psychological. A declining number of nocturnal erections, decreased firmness or decreased duration can all indicate potential health problems. (They don’t necessarily, though – so it’s important not to panic and to ask your doctor if you have concerns.)

The Tech Ring is small and unobtrusive enough to not get in the way during sex. In fact, if you’re wearing it correctly and it fits you properly, you’ll likely barely even notice you’re wearing it.

Verdict

Retailing for $275, the Tech Ring is a pretty expensive piece of kit. If you’re just looking for a cock ring, skip it and get something much (much) cheaper.

I don’t really think the Tech Ring is a sex toy, to be honest. I’m just categorising it in that way for ease of publishing this review in the absence of a better option. It’s actually really more of a wellness device or a health tracker.

As a sex toy, I can’t wholeheartedly recommend it. But as a health tracker, I actually think it’s pretty damn cool! As with any technology like this, you’d have to use it very regularly to enjoy its full benefits. But if you’re suffering from any kind of ED issues, want to keep track of your erectile health, or are just curious, it can offer you a wealth of data.

I’d love to see the next iteration drop the gendered language on the website and marketing materials. Also: this is an admittedly small gripe, but the print on the provided instruction flyer is tiny. I have near perfect eyesight and I still had to squint to read it.

Thanks to FirmTech for sponsoring this review and to SilverDom for helping out with the testing! All views are, as always, my own.

[Toy Review] Promescent Rabbit Vibrator & Bullet Vibrator

If you’ve been around for a while, you might remember my last Promescent review from almost three years ago where I introduced you to their collection of lubes. Well, this company has now released a bunch of new products since then and their team were kind enough to send me two of them, so I think it’s time for another Promescent review, don’t you?

Today I’m looking at Promescent’s two new sex toys for vulva owners: a rabbit vibrator and a bullet vibrator. This new range also includes a cock ring.

Promescent review: Rabbit vibrator (left) and bullet vibrator on a grey blanket

Promescent Rabbit Vibrator

The Promescent Rabbit Vibrator looked promising to me straight away, and I’m saying that as someone who is very picky about rabbit vibrators and doesn’t get much out of most of them. The flexible, curved clitoral stimulator, in particular, caught my eye.

This toy measures 8″ in total length, 4″ in insertable length. Its slim shaft is 1.2″ in diameter at the widest point. It is made of 100% body-safe silicone in a lovely, rich shade of blue/purple (fun fact: a very similar colour to my hair!) The material, it has to be said, is absolutely lovely. It’s ultra-soft and feels gorgeous to the touch.

Promescent rabbit vibrator in a woman's hand

The Promescent Rabbit Vibrator is waterproof, USB-rechargeable, and comes with a drawstring storage bag. You’ll get around 2 hours running time from a 2 hour charge.

In Use: Pros & Cons

Let’s start with the good and talk about what I liked about this toy.

  • Its shape is excellent. The insertable portion has a gentle curve and a pronounced tip which is ideal for G-spot stimulation.
  • The flexibility is a huge perk for a rabbit toy like this. It makes it comfortable to insert and easy to move around to get the best possible angle. Since all bodies are different, this will make the Promescent Rabbit accessible to far more users.
  • The clitoral arm is curvy and flexible enough that it actually stays in contact with my clit when I thrust with the toy or change positions! This is rare in rabbit vibrators, and I love it.
  • The buttons are easy to press and the controls are simple, intuitive, and responsive. Plus and minus buttons allowing you to switch between settings in both directions are a big advantage.
  • The button placement is sensible and comfortable to use.
  • It has three patterns and a constant vibration setting, all of which you can use on three different speeds. (That’s 12 settings in total.)
  • It’s pretty quiet.
Promescent rabbit vibrator buttons close up

So with all those good things said, was there anything I didn’t like?

  • When I turned the Promescent Rabbit Vibrator on, the intensity of the vibrations felt promising. Unfortunately, in use, they felt weaker than I expected them to, particularly in the clitoral stimulator. Companies continually design rabbit vibrators with the stronger motor in the internal section and, given that the overwhelming majority of people with vulvas orgasm primarily from clitoral stimulation, this is going to be the wrong way around for the vast majority of users.
  • The vibrations are buzzier than I would ideally like.
  • The buttons are small and hard to see in anything but bright light. Larger or lit buttons would make the toy more accessible.
  • I would have preferred the ability to control the two motors independently. Many users, including me, don’t always like the same level of stimulation internally as externally.

The Promescent Rabbit Vibrator retails at $109.99.

Promescent Bullet Vibrator

The Promescent Bullet Vibrator is made of the same soft, silky, blue/purple silicone as the rabbit. It measures a petite 3.5″ in total length, about the same as a lipstick.

Promescent review: purple bullet vibrator in a woman's hand

It’s USB rechargeable, giving about 90 minutes of runtime for a 2 hour charge, and waterproof. You’ll find the charging cable and a drawstring storage bag in the box alongside the toy.

In Use: Pros & Cons

Once again, let’s start with the things I liked about the Promescent Bullet Vibrator.

  • The twist towards the base makes it so easy and comfortable to hold. This is such a simple but brilliant design feature!
  • Like the Rabbit, the Bullet’s silicone is super soft and silky.
  • The large button on the base is easy to locate and press, even in dark environments.
  • I really love the lipstick-style shape, which gives you the option of broad stimulation (using the side), pinpoint stimulation (using the edge), or a middle ground (using the flat top part.)
  • It has 9 settings, which are really the same three – constant vibrations and two patterns – on three different speed levels. That’s enough for variety, but not enough to get unwieldy with a one-button interface.
  • It’s powerful enough that I can usually cum with it unless I’m having a particularly low-sensitivity day.
  • It’s very quiet.
Promescent bullet vibrator button

Anything I didn’t like about this one?

  • The only real complaint I can make about this toy is that I would have liked the motor to have a little more rumble. It’s reasonably powerful, but it’s also quite buzzy.
  • A two-button interface with up/down options would be a nice addition, but it’s not critical.

The Promescent Bullet Vibrator retails at $69.99.

Verdict

Overall these are two well-made and solidly designed toys! The bullet is the winner for me personally out of the two, though the Rabbit also has plenty to recommend it, particularly in terms of its physical shape and design. Both toys came attractively boxed and were delivered in discreet packaging. They’re reasonably priced for what they are, too.

Promescent also offers a 60-day guarantee. If any product doesn’t do it for you, you can return it within 60 days for a full refund.

This Promescent review was sponsored, meaning I received a fee to write an honest and unbiased review of these products. All views, as always, are mine.

[Toy Review] YoYoLemon Thrusting and Rotating Masturbator

Reviewing penis toys can be a challenge for me, not being in possession of a penis. My nesting partner, Mr C&K, is often willing to assist but was unable to on this occasion. I’d like to extend my thanks to my dear friend SilverDom for lending his penis and opinions to the cause of sex toy reviews.

Now let’s take a look at the Thrusting and Rotating Masturbator from YoYoLemon.

YoYoLemon Thrusting and Rotating Masturbator

The YoYoLemon Male Masturbator with Rotating and Thrusting and Female Moans, Realistic Textured Vagina Pocket Pussy (to give it its full and exhausting title!) is a penis masturbator in the typical “hard outer cup, soft inner sleeve” style. Like many other toys of its kind, it wouldn’t look out of place amidst a lineup of high-end kitchen gadgets. It measures a hefty 10.5″ in length and 3.5″ in diameter. The maximum penetration depth is 5.2″.

YoYoLemon thrusting and rotating masturbator

This toy offers both thrusting and rotating functions, as well as audio playing female voices making moaning sounds. I’m equally amused and a little unsettled by the idea of a toy that moans at you as you use it, but I can see how this might be some people’s thing.

The YoYoLemon Thrusting and Rotating Masturbator is rechargeable. A full charge takes 2.5 hours and gives you anything from 30 minutes to 1.5 hours of runtime, depending on the settings you’re using. Confusingly, the packaging states that the toy is “waterproof” but the instructions then warn you not to keep it in the water for long. I have not tested it in water for fear of killing it, but this suggests to me that it’s somewhat water-resistant for cleaning but it definitely wouldn’t be a good idea to use it in the bath or shower.

SilverDom notes that the text on the packaging “reads like it has been run through Google Translate 17 times.” An actual quote: “Do not let go the start of moanin and return to the moanin forward.” The instructions, such that they are, are written in much the same way. Hire an actual translator for your product info, please and thank you.

Materials and Care

The exterior case is made of hard ABS plastic, while the interior is TPE. This internal part is removeable for cleaning. TPE (thermoplastic elastomer) is usually non-toxic, but it is porous. This means that you can never get it truly sterile. The material will harbour bacteria and begin to degrade after a while.

It’s generally fine to use TPE toys for external use, and the vast majority of penis masturbators are made of this material. However, you should throw it away as soon as it starts to split, smell bad, or show any other signs of material degredation. You shouldn’t share a TPE toy, as this can be an STI transmission risk. Wash it with soap and water after each use, and then dust it with a little bit of cornstarch to encourage it to dry out completely.

In Use

The YoYoLemon Thrusting and Rotating Masturbator looks and feels well-built and is heavy in the hand. Most people will likely need two hands to operate it.

YoYoLemon thrusting and rotating masturbator

The inner sleeve is lined with dozens of little nubs to provide additional stimulation, and the opening is “vaguely vulva-shaped.” At first, the opening appears quite small, meaning that if your penis is above average in either length or girth you might worry about whether it’ll fit. Don’t worry, though – this toy is stretchy and with a little water-based lube, will accommodate the majority of penis sizes easily. If you have a slimmer penis, you might find it frustrating as the inner tube is quite wide and doesn’t have the tightest grip. SilverDom reported finding the inner nubs quite rough and not particularly pleasurable.

The toy offers 10 patterns of twisting and thrusting and a single button that cycles through them all. What is lacking, though, is speed control. A scroll wheel or separate buttons would fix this problem. “I found all of the patterns entirely useless to me, largely because I had no control over them. I came frustratingly close to orgasm at least 4 times,” SilverDom says.

There are three buttons on the toy in total. The other two switch it on and off, and control the moaning sounds.

Oh, and those moans? They’re basically low-quality mainstream porn sounds. If this is something you find sexy, fair enough. SilverDom and I both agreed it was mostly weird and distracting. There is a headphone jack if you want to make use of this feature discreetly. The toy’s actual sounds in use are – despite claims to the contrary – also rather loud and distracting.

The YoYoLemon Thrusting and Rotating Masturbator features a suction cup to attach it to a wall or other surface for hands-free use. The suction cup is reasonably sturdy and holds it in place well.

Cleaning is ostensibly easy thanks to the removeable inner part. However, it’s actually quite hard to take apart and put back together. This is made worse by the fact that the tube and entrance are two separate pieces.

Verdict

This one’s more miss than hit, unfortunately. There are just too many problems and design-and-execution flaws for me to really recommend it. Speed controls, a non-porous material, a better designed internal sleeve, and removing or improving the weird moaning function would all vastly improve the quality of this product.

This toy retails for $79.99/£65.99. It might be cheaper than other comparable products on the market, but it’s not really worth the cost saving when there’s such a dip in quality. You can spend just a little more and get something much better.

I’m gonna conclude with SilverDom’s TL/DR: “I don’t think a toy has ever made me feel so sexually frustrated… or with such temporary hearing loss!” Unfortunately, the promised “earth-shaking orgasms” were not forthcoming.

This review was sponsored, which means I was paid to write an honest and unbiased review. All views are mine and the toy tester’s. Pics are by YoYoLemon.

[Toy Review] Lezovibes 6-in-1 Thrusting Heating Telescopic & Squirming Dildo

Happy new year, my friends! I hope you’ve had a relaxing holiday season and new year, no matter what you celebrate or don’t. I’m back at work now, which means it’s time to start ploughing through my review queue.

First up, the Lezovibes 6-in-1 Thrusting Heating Telescopic & Squirming Dildo, which was kindly sent to me recently. Considering the absolute mouthful of its full name, I’m gonna just call it the Lezovibes Thrusting Dildo from here on out. Let’s take a look, shall we?

Lezovibes 6-in-1 Thrusting Dildo

This realistic dildo measures 8.6″ in total length (6.3″ insertable) and offers a thrusting extension of an additional 1.5″. It measures 1.59″ in diameter at the widest point.

The “6-in-1” refers to its 6 key features: thrusting, heating, vibrating, swinging, rotating, and remote-controllability. There’s also a suction cup and large “balls” base, making it harness-compatible if you like.

Lezovibes thrusting dildo heating dildo

The Lezovibes Thrusting Dildo is made of body-safe and non-porous silicone and passes a flame-test. The silicone is extremely matte, so don’t forget to add plenty of water-based lube particularly if you’re using the thrusting function.

This toy is IPX6 waterproof. This means it can withstand jets of water but is not submersible. In other words, clean it under the tap but don’t take it in the bath with you. The remote control is not waterproof.

The Lezovibes Thrusting Dildo is rechargeable via the included USB cable, and a full charge took around 2 hours and gives up to 60 minutes of runtime depending on the settings you’re using.

Things I Like About This Toy

Let’s start with the good. Retailing at a middle-of-the-road $69.99, the Lezovibes Thrusting Dildo does have several positive points to recommend it.

Lezovibes thrusting dildo in my hand

  • It does a lot of different things! If you’re newer to toys or just want to get something quite versatile, then a toy with lots of different features is a great choice for you. As mentioned, this thrusting dildo also vibrates, rotates, swings, and heats up. Pretty impressive array of options, there!
  • The outer layer of silicone is squishy and pliable, and the toy has a firm core. This gives a kind of “dual density” effect that more realistically mimics a bio-cock.
  • Speaking of realism, the lifelike aesthetic is great if you like that sort of thing, from the veined shaft to the textured balls and foreskin. To be entirely honest I don’t particularly like that kind of thing, personally. Hyper-realism isn’t really my vibe. However, it appeals to a lot of people and I’m continually getting asked for recommendations for realistic toys.
  • The thrusting function feels great in use. (The swinging function is really just a slight variation on the thrusting and I couldn’t feel much difference between them.)
  • The suction cup is strong and holds the toy firm on a surface, even when the various functions are switched on.
  • The heating function! A sex toy that warms up in use is one of those things you never knew you needed until you try it. I started feeling the warmth around 30 seconds after I switched the heating function on. It heats to 42°C.
  • It has ten different vibrating modes, and the motor is positioned so that the vibrations are concentrated in the head of the toy. For most users, that’s gonna be where you want them.
  • As it has a large base (thanks to the balls and suction cup), this toy is both vaginal-safe and anal-safe.
  • The rigidity makes it great for strap-on sex.

Anything I Didn’t Like?

There were also a few issues that let this toy down. They include:

  • The controls are needlessly complicated and confusing. I actually had to email the company because I COULD NOT get mine to work at all and I was convinced I had a dud one for a while. It did eventually start working, but the controls are still far more confusing than they need to be.
  • The button in the base is really, really hard to push in a way that’s extremely annoying. I literally have to use the thumbs of both hands, one on top of the other, to get it going or switch it off.
  • Like all thrusting toys, it makes a high-pitched mechanical whining noise in use. I can’t hold this against Lezovibes in particular, though – even at the premium end of the market, the technology just isn’t there yet to make silent thrusting toys.
  • The vibrations are weak and buzzy.
  • I can’t feel the rotating function at all so I’m not really sure what the point of this is.
  • The remote control’s responsiveness is variable. It responds about 75% of the time in my experience, but that’s a high enough failure rate to be intensely annoying.
  • It’s a little too straight for me. I would have preferred it to have a little more curve and flex.

Verdict

Lezovibes thrusting dildo suction cup dildo attached to black shower tiles

With the acknowledgement that realistic dildos aren’t really my thing (but may well be yours,) I still found quite a few things to like in the Lezovibes Thrusting Dildo. Overall, it’s a mixed bag. Though the many different functions are a good way to explore new sensations, I think this toy is trying to do too many things. It’s better to do fewer things and do them really well than to try to cram every feature under the sun into a single toy.

More than anything, though, please sort out those controls. It’s so needlessly complicated to use and that means people will just end up not using a bunch of the functionalities that make up its main selling points.

Thanks to Lezovibes for sponsoring this review! All views, as ever, are mine.