[Toy Review] Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration Masturbator

Satisfyer are really churning them out lately, aren’t they? A few weeks after receiving the now-infamous shipment of 7 new toys for vulvas, I received a parcel the other day containing two new penis toys. They seem very similar, so I got rid of one via a Twitter giveaway, and kept the other one to test make Mr CK test. Meet the Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration Masturbator (hereafter ‘Satisfyer Men Heat’).

Keep your gendered marketing

I’m opposed to gendered marketing of sex toys. Not everyone who has a penis is a man, and not all men have penises! Trans and nonbinary people exist! Unnecessarily gendering toys not only makes trans and NB folks feel ignored and sidelined, it’s also just bad business. Why would you want to alienate a part of your potential customer base? So I was already a bit “ugh” about this product just from the name. But I tried to keep an open mind, I really did.

“A stylish playmate for modern guys”

This is how the Satisfyer Men Heat is described in their marketing copy. I mean… okay, I guess? The colour scheme is black and silver, a minimalistic and stereotypically masculine aesthetic. At first glance, the toy looks like a cross between a portable coffee cup and a torch. One end is closed, and the other is a hole where you insert the penis. The outer is made of ABS plastic, and the fuckable end (sorry, I can’t think how else to describe it) is lined with soft, squishy silicone.

Fuck it, describing this toy is hard, here’s a visual.

The Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration on a white sheet

The Satisfyer Men Heat features a heating function, which warms the toy to three possible levels, the highest being 104F (about 40C, or slightly over normal body temperature). This is designed to make the experience “breathtakingly realistic” which, one assumes, means “it feels like a vagina”. Then there’s “like a blowjob… but BETTER!” as the box claims. I’m skeptical to say the least, but let’s move on.

Size-wise, it’s got about 2.75″ of penetrable depth (so if you like really deep penetration, this isn’t going to be for you). It’s about 3″ wide, and the hole that you penetrate is around 1.5″.

Close up of the Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration

The Satisfyer Men Heat is USB rechargeable and fully waterproof.

Settings & controls

The Satisfyer Men Heat has 4 buttons set into a control panel on the front of the toy. The on/off button is at the top and also changes the vibration pattern. Then you have the +/- buttons to change the speed, and lastly the temperature control button. You can set the toy warming without the vibrations being on, so you might want to give it a few minutes to warm up before playing. It starts getting warm very quickly and the instructions say it comes to temperature in five minutes.

This control panel is really where the problems started. The buttons are not raised at all, so you cannot feel for them with your fingers without a visual. They’re also not clearly marked – thin grey markings on a black background! This means it’s basically impossible to see the buttons properly during use unless you’re in very good light and have perfect vision. In low light, forget it. Mr CK also pointed out that this makes the toy really inaccessible to those with any kind of visual impairment.

Additionally, though you are supposed to be able to adjust the heating function, there is no discernible way to tell which heat setting it’s on. You just get the flashing thermometer icon to indicate that the warming function is on.

This toy boasts “70 different vibration combinations”. I’m not sure how the maths works here, given that by my count it has 8 possible speeds and 6 patterns, making a total of 48 possible options. But what do me and my D in GCSE maths know!?

Care and cleaning

About the best thing I can say about this product is that it is body-safe, which is still shockingly rare for penis toys. Standard masturbators like Fleshlights are all made from porous materials such as TPE, which harbour bacteria and are impossible to get completely clean. Fortunately, silicone is non-porous, phthalate-free and 100% safe. At least Satisfyer got THAT right.

As the Satisfyer Men Heat is waterproof, you can clean it with warm water and gentle soap. It’s a bit of a pain to get clean given the shape, but it can be done with a bit of extra care. If you want to share this toy with a non fluid-bonded partner, you can use it while wearing a condom. As always, I recommend water-based lube – and you’re going to need PLENTY of it if you attempt to use this thing.

So how did it work?

The Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration on a white sheet

“Badly” is, unfortunately, the short and sweet answer. Mr CK was able to fit his penis into the toy with the help of plenty of lube, but he found it uncomfortable. Anyone with a larger than average penis, especially if you’re quite girthy, should avoid this product – you just won’t fit or it’ll hurt! Despite the squishyness of the silicone, it doesn’t have much “give” to make extra room – and one side is completely rigid. This is really a “one size” toy, which doesn’t work at all because penises are so infinitely and gloriously varied. It also makes a squelching noise when you penetrate it, which – while giggle-inducing – is not sexy.

Additionally, the vibrations just didn’t measure up. Even at the highest setting, they’re pretty pathetically weak. Mr CK very quickly concluded that there was zero chance of this toy bringing him anywhere near to orgasm.

When the best your partner can manage is a shrug and an “it’s not… unpleasant?” you know you’re not on to a winning toy.

“But does it feel like fucking a vagina?” I asked. “No,” he said.

“And is it better than a blow job?” “No,” he said again. Never one to waste words.

The verdict

Unfortunately we cannot recommend this product. If you have a penis on the smaller side AND enjoy gentle vibrations, you might get something out of this toy – but otherwise we suggest you spend your money elsewhere. Check out the Godemiche OffBeat, the Hot Octopuss Pulse III or the Hummer wand attachment for some of my most often-recommended penis toys.

Sorry, Satisfyer – I still love you (you’ll have my heart for a while for that amazing flower thing) but seriously, please stop churning things out quite so quickly and develop them more rigorously first.

The Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration Masturbator retails for $59.95.

Thanks to Satisfyer for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. All views are, as ever, my own. Pictures are by me. Affiliate links contained within this post make me a small commission if you use them to make a purchase.

[Toy Review] Satisfyer Partner Multifun

Ladies, gentlemen, gentlequeers, non-binary babes and all those in between… behold the worst designed sex toy I have ever had the displeasure of reviewing.

I hate being mean about toys. I really do. I always try to find something positive to say. But here, I just… I just can’t.

Basic Details

The Satisfyer Multifun, a pink u-shaped vibrator
Anyone else hate this fucking colour? Yeah, me too.

Partner is a subsection of Satisfyer, a company famed for awesome toys like the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation and the Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration. That’s why I was so surprised that this offering is such an absolute mess.

The Multifun is a U-shaped toy with two prongs that come almost together at the top. There are two very slight variations – the Multifun 1 is blue and the Multifun 2 is pink, and the ends of the prongs curve in very slightly different ways on each. Again, the difference is tiny.

It contains three motors, one in each of the prongs (which are operated together with a single button) and one in the base (operated separately with a second button). The toy is about 5 inches long in total, 3.5″ being the prongs and 1.5″ the base.

This toy is waterproof and USB rechargeable.

Safe isn’t enough.

The Satisfyer Multifun, a pink u-shaped vibrator
Okay, it’s body-safe, but I don’t want that to be the best thing about a toy!

When I ranted to Mr CK about how terrible this toy is, he pointed out that it’s at least a slight improvement on the terrible jelly cock ring I didn’t really review, in that it is body-safe. And yes, it is. It’s coated entirely in smooth silicone, which is phthalate free, non-porous and non-toxic.

But, as I explained to him, at this point I don’t see “body safe” as enough. I see it as a bare fucking minimum. At this point in my career, “this toy is body safe” is up there with “this food didn’t give me food poisoning.” It’s not a glowing recommendation, it’s a basic expectation.

So yes. This toy is body-safe. Can I say anything else positive about it? I’m honestly really struggling.

In Use

The Satisfyer Multifun, a pink u-shaped vibrator, hanging on a purple suction cup dildo stuck to a wall.
Feat. our shower wall and the Blush Ruse Jammy silicone dildo.

On the back of the box, the good folks at Satisfyer have helpfully included diagrams of different ways to use this toy on both a vulva and a penis. Being the dutiful and diligent toy testers that we are, we tried all of them (except the “hang it off your balls” one, because even Mr CK’s tolerance for doing weird shit to his genitals in the name of journalism has its limits).

They were all… equally terrible? Similarly nonsensical?

Pinching it around my clit was mildly painful for the two seconds it stayed on, and then merely annoying as it kept slipping off. Trying to stick it inside me made absolutely no sense whatsoever as it’s entirely the wrong shape to get anywhere near my G-spot, never mind provide pleasurable sensation. Trying to get it to hang off my nipple like a nipple clamp was merely hilarious (and a complete failure). Hanging it around Mr CK’s cock in various configurations produced no greater reaction than “well… that’s kind of in the way”. Even using it as a straightforward clitoral vibrator didn’t work, because the vibrations were so weak and buzzy that I literally Did Not Feel Anything.

I literally described the vibration quality of this toy to a fellow blogger friend as “akin to a single bee buzzing away on my clit. Not even a hive of bees. Just one.”

Other things I hate

The sound. Good God. This thing doesn’t just buzz, it WHINES.

The buttons. They’re small, fiddly and hard to press.

The ridiculously gendered marketing – “for men, women and couples”. (Ah yes, the three genders?) Seriously though, there are so many better ways to market that your product is suitable for different types of bodies. The diagrams of possible ways to use it with different genital configurations is more than enough. And EVERYTHING can be a toy for couples if you use it with a partner. And as if this wasn’t bad enough, it comes in two colours – baby blue (Multifun 1) and pastel pink (Multifun 2). You know, in case you don’t know which one is for you, they’ve colour coded them for you!

In conclusion…

I hate this toy. I hate it with a burning passion that surprises me. I have never hated a sex toy this much (no, not even the stupid jelly cockring/headlamp, because at least we KNEW that was going to be terrible, and that didn’t have a nearly $50 price tag).

I implore you, do not buy this toy. Your bits deserve better. For a pinpoint clitoral vibrator, get the Blush Nocturnal. For a decent vibrating cock ring, get the Hot Octopuss Atom. For a great toy to wear during penetrative sex, get the WeVibe Sync.

Satisfyer: I still love you. But you dropped the ball on this one. For God’s sake, do better, and test your products on actual humans before you mass produce them.

Thank you to Satisfyer for sending me this product to review. If for some reason you still want to try it, it retails for $49.95. This toy sucked but their other products are great! Affiliate links are used within this post.


[Toy Review] Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples

Hey, did you see I have a newsletter now? Sign up for a bi-weekly delivery of latest posts, stories of my adventures, sex toy deals and filth straight to your inbox! Now on to the review. 

I try really hard not to be prejudiced against a toy before it’s even been anywhere near my bits. But I have to admit there was a part of me that hated the Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples on sight. Perhaps that’s why it’s languished at the bottom of my “to be reviewed” pile for six months. My bias is a little bit because I get pissed off when “for couples” is used interchangeably with “to be used during penis-in-vagina intercourse,” is if that’s the only type of sex couples have. It’s a little bit because I hate the late-nineties text-s  peak tweeness of “4” instead of “for”. And it’s a lot because I looked at this fucking thing and went “there is no way that’s gonna be effective”.

Facts ‘n’ Figures

The Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples lying on my laptop keyboard.

The Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples is one of the models in Satisfyer’s new generation line, which also includes the G Spot Rabbit (which I quite enjoyed) and the Pro Plus Vibration (which I adored). It’s V-shaped, clearly vaguely modeled after other wearable-during-intercourse vibes such as the We-Vibe Sync (which I recently reviewed for Sex Tech Guide). It utilises Satisfyer’s signature contactless stimulation via rapid pulses of air or “pressure waves”.

There’s a large bulky part which sits against the vulva and houses the pressure wave/suction clitoral stimulator. The second arm is shorter, very slim and flexible, and is designed to sit inside the vagina and vibrate.

This toy boasts two separate motors. The clitoral stimulator has 11 different levels of intensity, and the internal arm has 10 vibration patterns. They are controlled by separate buttons and can be used together or independently.

The Pro 4 Couples is fully waterproof and USB rechargeable. It retails for $99.99 on Lovehoney USA. At time of writing it is not available through the UK site.

Care & Cleaning of Your Satisfyer…

Like all Satisfyer products, the Pro 4 Couples is body-safe. The exterior is matte silicone, the buttons are plastic, and the silicone nozzle end is removable for easier cleaning. Being waterproof, you can submerge it to clean it fully, or use a medical wipe for a quick clean-up. It’s not really condom/barrier compatible.

As always, I recommend water-based lube for silicone toys.

The Satisfyer Pro 4 Couples lying on a white lined notebookGood Points

No toy is all bad. (Scratch that: some toys are all bad). It would be unfair not to acknowledge the Pro 4 Couples’ good points, even though the overall product didn’t work for me.

I really like the air pressure technology Satisfyer use for their clitoral stimulators. It provides intense pleasure without numbing, and this toy is no exception.

I also liked that you can control the clitoral arm and the internal arm separately. I hate vibrations inside my vagina, so being able to turn them off was a godsend.

What I didn’t like

Literally everything else?

Though I’m sure it will work for some people, this product just feels really badly designed to me. For one thing, it doesn’t stay in place! I struggled to get it to stay on my clitoris without using my hands when I was using it solo and staying very still. There is absolutely no way this thing would remain in position during any sort of thrusting..

Secondly, I found the internal arm not only provided no pleasure but was actually painful! This is quite a feat considering how small it is. It tapers to a point for some reason, and when I put the toy in the right position so that the suction nozzle was over my clitoris, this pointy end poked painfully into the wall of my vagina.

Third, there’s no way I could get a penis inside me alongside this toy. I tried valiantly with a dildo (a small dildo!) and it just made the painful poking feeling worse.

Finally, the internal vibrations are buzzy as fuck. I tried them on my clit, just for fun, and I was going numb within a few seconds.

I’m willing to accept that this toy might work well for some people as a solo toy, if their vulva happens to be shaped in exactly the right way to fit with it, but as a toy for wearing during intercourse it’s simply not fit for purpose.

Needless to say, I don’t recommend it. But what should you get instead?

If you’re looking for a pressure wave clitoral stimulator for solo use, get the Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration. For dual clitoral suction and G-spot stimulation, get the G-Spot Rabbit. Or for a toy to use for clitoral pleasure during intercourse, get the We-Vibe Sync.

I can see what Sayisfyer were going for with the Pro 4 Couples, but it just misses the mark in so many different ways. A really disappointing offering from a manufacturer I usually like.

Thanks to Satisfyer for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. All opinions mine, etc. If you want to support me, please become a Patron, buy me a coffee, or shop using the affiliate links in this post and the right hand sidebar.

[Toy Review] Hop Lola Bunny Rabbit Vibrator

My relationship with dual stimulation toys – those that stimulate both the clitoris and inside the vagina at the same time – is complicated. By which I mean I usually don’t like them, but just occasionally find one that really works for me. So when I’m trying a new one, I’m never particularly optimistic, but always have some hope that it will be one of the rare few that actually get me off.

Let’s Meet Lola…

A pink rabbit vibrator lying on a red and black laptop keyboard.The Hop Lola Bunny is a silicone rabbit vibrator manufactured by Blush Novelties and stocked by my friends at Peepshow Toys, who sent me this item to review. It has a curved shaft of about 7 inches long in total, with 4.25″ of insertable length. The widest part of the shaft is only about 1.25″ in diameter, making it a relatively slimline toy. The “ears” are two prongs each about 2″ long. There are three points of vibration: one in the shaft and one in each of the ears.

A pink rabbit vibrator on a white sheet.The Lola is waterproof (ideal for shower play as well as ease of cleaning!) and charges via USB with a magnetic charging point. I got about an hour of continuous play out of a two-hour charge.

This toy comes in two colour ways: pink and pinker (the official names are “ballet slipper” and “hot pink”). Those of you who have been reading for a while will know that I’m not super into pink toys. I just don’t really like the colour, for one thing. I also think it plays into stereotypes about femininity and “it’s for women so we have to make it PINK!” (Leaving aside that not everyone with a vulva is a woman). Of course, what makes this toy aesthetically unappealing to me will be right up someone else’s alley, and that’s totally cool! My friend and fellow blogger Candy Snatch, for example, really liked the look of the Lola.

 

The Lola retails for $52.99 (about £40) from Peepshow Toys.

Body-Safety & Cleaning

At some point I need to stop saying in my reviews “this toy is body-safe”. I just won’t test products that aren’t. However, today is not that day and I feel as though it’s still important to point out when a toy is made with due regard to body-safety, because so many are not.

The Lola is made of super smooth silicone, which is both non-toxic and non-porous. This means it’s easy to clean with gentle soap and warm water. You can also clean up easily between uses with a body-safe sterile wipe (I use the kind you can buy in bulk super cheap from medical suppliers – much cheaper than toy wipes, though you can use these if you prefer).

As ever, water-based lube is recommended.

In Use…

A pink rabbit vibrator lying on a dark wood surface.Unfortunately, this toy did not work for me. The shaft and ears are both very flexible. Though I like insertables to have some flex, the ears were so floppy as to make it impossible to gain any kind of pressure against my clit. They might work for you if you like VERY light contact, but as soon as I tried to press the toy into my vulva at all, it just pushed them away.

The strength of the vibrations is the other thing that really let this one down. They felt okay in my hand when I initially switched it on, though nothing to get excited about. But in use I found them extremely weak. Admittedly I am a power queen, but even so!

If you like weaker vibrations or prefer things on the buzzier end, this might be a good choice for you. But if you’re after serious power or rumbly vibes, you’ll want to look elsewhere.

I did find the controls intuitive and easy to use. They are well placed on the front base of the toy, and operate on a simple two-button interface. I also like that you can switch up and down between the patterns, as opposed to some toys where you can only scroll one way.

But overall, I was disappointed by this toy. The relatively lower price point isn’t an excuse, either – there are plenty of cheaper vibes with good, strong motors!

So do I recommend it?

Unfortunately, I don’t. As I said above, if you like lower intensity vibrations and very light clitoral contact, this toy may be a good fit for you, but otherwise I can’t recommend it. If you’re looking for a rabbit toy, consider getting something by The Rabbit Company instead.

Thanks to Peepshow Toys for sending me the Hop Lola Bunny in exchange for an impartial review. If you buy through any of my affiliate links in this post, I make a small commission which helps me keep doing this work. Don’t forget to use code COFFEE at checkout for 10% off your entire order.

Images are by me and not to be used without permission.

[(Not a) Toy Review] Here’s What Happened When We Tried a Terrible Cock Ring

From whence it came I do not recall. It must have found its way into my freebie bag at one sexy event or another. But somehow, this monstrosity came into my possession:

The Skins Vibe Ring, a clear jelly rubber cock ring with a small bullet vibe, sitting on its box. For a review.Because Mr CK is a very indulgent partner, and supportive of my penchant for putting strange things on my genitals and then oversharing about it on the internet, we decide we’d test it. Just for fun.

Well, it was… something. I’m not sure fun is quite the word.

This ‘Vibe Ring’ vibrating cock ring by Skins (better known for making mediocre condoms) looks and feels like something you’d buy for £3 from a machine in a seedy nightclub. It’s made of some kind of jelly rubber (the packaging is mysteriously quiet about its actual material) and just from handling it for a couple of minutes I can see its porous as fuck. Sweat and oils from my hands have leached into the rubber, turning its clear appearance opaque, and the squishy texture and dodgy chemical smell coming off it are dead giveaways for phthalates.

As a cock ring, it’s worse than useless. A cock ring is designed to restrict blood flow away from the penis, creating a stronger and longer-lasting erection. A lot of penis-owners report that this can be very pleasurable and give them stronger orgasms. This thing, though?

“I literally can’t feel it!” Mr CK declared when it was around his cock. It’s too stretchy and flimsy to do anything. Still, we were determined to give it a fair hearing, so we turned the little vibrating bullet on and I  hopped on board and started fucking him. In the me-on-top position, I could at least feel the vibrations – if you can call them that – against my clit. But, unsurprisingly, they were too weak and too buzzy to give me anything that I could define as pleasure. Mr CK reported that he could just barely feel the vibrations through his shaft but they were nowhere near to being pleasurable for him either. (And this is a man who definitely enjoys vibrations!)

We changed positions, him standing and me on my back, legs spread, on the end of the bed. This was worse. With every thrust, the damn thing buzzed against me in its completely useless and mildly distracting way. It was low-level annoying in the way that a mobile phone vibrating in your pocket can be. Only, you know, less likely to give me an orgasm.

“Ooh, it made you come!” Mr commented as he felt my cunt muscles clenching around his cock.

“Nope. That was all your dick, babe.”

“Shall we take this thing off?”

“Yes, lets do that.”

We tossed it aside and finished our fuck, which was much more satisfying once the stupid ring was safely on the other side of our very large bed. Afterwards, we snuggled in the afterglow and laughed about how utterly terrible this ridiculous excuse for a sex toy was.

“It feels like it would fit around my head,” he said, stretching it experimentally.

“Try it!” I dared.

And that, my friends, is how a sex session finished with my partner and I taking turns to wear a cock ring like a head lamp. I hope you enjoyed that mental image. You’re welcome.

TL/DR: Do not buy this toy or any other cheap, rubbery “single use” cock ring. For a simple, high quality cockring, try the Beginner or the Super-Soft C-Rings from Tantus. If you’re after one that vibrates, try the Desire Rechargeable from Lovehoney (and don’t forget to use discount code COFFKINK10 at checkout!)

The image featured in this post was taken by me. Don’t steal my photos, please! Links above are affiliate links. Doing your sexy shopping with my affiliates helps support me to keep the blog going.

[Toy Review] The Rock Chick

I’ve been wanting to try the Rock Chick for a long time and I really wanted to love it as it’s such a neat design (and also made by Rocks Off, who did the Ruby Glow which I adore.)

The Rock Chick by Rocks Off. A purple c-shaped sex toy

Stits ‘n’ Stats…

It’s a C-shaped, “2-in-1″ toy, one end a g-spot dildo and the other, ribbed end supposed to sit against the clitoris while the dildo end is inserted. It’s powered by a removable vibrating bullet and has 7 settings – 3 speeds of constant vibration and 4 patterns.

Size-wise, the insertable length is about 4 inches and the girth is about 1.3”. Not one for size queens, but a good length and perfect curve for g-spot stimulation.

My experience…

The Rock Chick is supposed to be “hands free,” but it didn’t quite work for me that way – I had to hold the clitoral end against my body to get the most out of the vibrations when I was lying on my back. A position that did work for me was lying on my front with a pillow beneath my hips, my body weight effectively pinning the toy in place, and grinding against it.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t orgasm from this toy, even with a few days of built-up horniness and some damn good porn in front of me. The vibrations, dampened by the thick silicone, just weren’t strong enough for me. I enjoyed the sensations, but it wasn’t quite enough.

My Ratings (all scores out of 5★)

Price: ★★★★
This toy retails on Lovehoney for £39.99, which isn’t a bad price. It’ll be out of some budgets but it’s nowhere near as expensive as some of the higher end toys. It puts it pretty squarely into the bottom of the mid-range, which is about right.

Materials: ★★★★★
The main body is soft and flexible silicone, which I can’t fault. It’s body safe and feels lovely. The removable bullet is hard ABS plastic, which is also body safe.

Appearance: ★★★★
It comes in purple (yay!) and pink (meh,) so pretty standard colours for sex toys for people with vulvas, but the Rock Chick is attractive enough. The C shape makes me think of my favourite C-word (CUNT) which is kind of pleasing.

Ease of Use: ★★
Mmm, unfortunately this is where this toy really falls down for me. The “hands free” idea is cool but sadly it just doesn’t quite work for my body. The G-spot part had to go too deep, almost painfully so, in order to get the clitoral stimulator into the right position. Of course, it’s impossible for a toy to fit every body perfectly. For someone whose body is different, it might work really well. I sort of got around this by using the “face down, hips on pillow” position mentioned above, but even then I needed to frequently use a hand to adjust the toy or keep it in place. You change the settings with a single button located on the end of the clitoral part that is a little difficult to press.

Ease of care & cleaning: ★★★
The shape and smooth silicone mean it’s easy to clean the Rock Chick with a sterile wipe. It’s also waterproof, so you can clean it thoroughly in hot water. The bullet is removeable, so you can take it out and clean it separately. The embossed letters on the side do make for a bit of a bacteria trap, so please be extra thorough when cleaning that area if any body fluids get in there. You could put a condom over the insertable end for extra safety or when sharing.

Versatility: ★★★★★
The Rock Chick has 7 different settings, making it versatile whether you like constant vibrations or patterns. You could also remove the bullet and use it separately, if you like. It’s much stronger this way though still somewhat buzzy. It’s a waterproof toy, so you can play with it in the bath or shower. The shape means the insertable end would be suitable for anal use with no risk of getting stuck. I can also see that it could be a good toy for double-vaginal penetration with a partner.

Intensity: ★★
Just too weak, unfortunately. When I removed the bullet it felt nice and strong in my hand, though moderately buzzy, but the padding of the silicone dampened it to the point that it couldn’t get me off. Disappointing. For someone who is into much gentler vibrations, it might work.

Overall Score: ★★★
I really like the design and it has some good points. It was really the weakness of the vibrations that ruined it for me. But if you’re after a dual-purpose toy and you’re not as powervibe-mad as me, this toy might work really well for you.

Note: I purchased this toy for myself in a closing down sale. This post does contain affiliate links and if you buy through them I make a small commission. This does not in any way affect my views on the product which are, and will always be, my own. Don’t forget to use code COFFKINK10 at Lovehoney for 10% off!

The image featured in this post was offered for use via Creative Commons Licensing.

[Toy Review] Satisfyer Pro 2

Firstly, and perhaps most importantly: I wrote this review with ‘Satisfied’ from Hamilton going around in my head and now I really want a musical theatre parody about sex toys.

[NOTE added 15/10/2017: I’ve since tried two other suction based toys including the Pro 2 Next Generation, and have since revised my opinion on this toy somewhat . That said, if you’re going to get a Satisfyer, the Next Generation is genuinely a huge improvement.]

With that out of the way: this is not the review I wanted to write. I really, really wanted to say that all the hype was deserved, that the Satisfyer Pro 2 (the latest edition to the Satisfyer range of toys) gave me the “screaming orgasm in under a minute” I’d been promised. Alas, it was not to be.

The Satisfyer Pro 2, for a product reviewThe Satisfyer Pro 2, for a product review

For those not in the know, the Satisfyer Pro 2 (and others in the range) are essentially  copycats of the much-hyped and more expensive Womanizer toys, which boast something called PleasureAir technology for “touch free orgasms.” Essentially, you put the nozzle end around your clitoris to create a kind of seal, and the toy provides stimulation via rapid air pulses.

Being one for new and exciting things, I couldn’t wait to try it. However, I just couldn’t get any meaningful stimulation from it! Somehow, this much-lauded toy did absolutely nothing for me. I like to think I gave it a good go – I tried it on three separate occasions in all. With lube and without. From cold, and when I was already turned on and half way to orgasm. On the low settings and the high settings. In the end, after my second session of over forty minutes, I threw the damn thing aside in frustration and reached for my trusty Doxy to finish the job.

I nearly didn’t write this review at all, as these toys are so popular and to say I didn’t like it feels a bit blasphemous. But different views are important, so there it is. I fucked a Satifyer and I didn’t like it.

So what didn’t I like about it?

Firstly, I couldn’t get it to stay in place! In my experience, once you’ve got it on the right spot and angled it just correctly, you pretty much can’t move at all – which doesn’t work for a girl like me who likes to move her hips and buck against a toy.

Secondly, the actual stimulation didn’t feel like anything special at all. To me, it just felt like an annoyingly weak and buzzy vibrator. (I am utterly baffled by the descriptions of Satisfyer and Womanizer toys as “oral sex simulators.” Not any oral sex I’ve ever had, I can assure you.) And after a while, having the nozzle stuck around my clit started to hurt.

Thirdly, this thing is fucking LOUD. Seriously, it sounded like a swarm of bees around my clitoris, which is not a sentence I ever thought I’d type and not something I find even remotely appealing. Not one for you if you’ve got nosy roommates, kids asleep in the next room, or any embarrassment about other people knowing you’re wanking.

My Ratings (all scores out of 5★)

Price: ★★★
The Satisfyer Pro 2 retails on Lovehoney for £69.99, which is a pretty standard price for a high-end toy and a lot cheaper than the similar Womanizer toys (which start at £84.99 for a basic model and go all the way up to £149.99.) If you’ve never tried a suction toy and aren’t sure if it’s for you, Lovehoney have a superb returns policy.

[EDIT 15/10/17: all retailers I regularly check seem to have replaced this model with the Next Generation model, which is much better.]

Materials: ★★★★
The nozzle, i.e. the only bit that actually makes direct contact with the genitals, is silicone. The body is ABS plastic. This makes the whole toy body-safe and non-porous.

Appearance: ★★★★
It’s quite pretty, I’ll give it that! The body is a lovely rose-gold colour, which is classy and a step away from endless, endless neon pink.

Ease of Use:
The Satisfyer Pro 2 is quite bulky and surprisingly heavy for its small size. The buttons are a pain to press. At least 50% of the time I had to press the ‘off’ button more than once to turn it off. As I mentioned above, it’s also really difficult to hold in place if you’re a person who moves a lot while being pleasured. Worst of all, the settings are SO ANNOYING. It has eleven speeds but once you’ve gone up a speed, you have to cycle all the way through – there is no ‘turn down’ option other than going through all 11 settings. Distracting and offputting to say the least.

Ease of care & cleaning: ★★
The head is detachable and you can purchase replacements on any retailer’s site, which makes this part at least easy to keep hygienic. However, the nozzle is bound to trap some lube, sex fluids and germs. That said, it is waterproof so you can submerge it for a thorough cleaning. You cannot put a condom on a suction toy or use it with any other barrier protection. For this reason, I would recommend ideally only sharing this toy with a partner you’re fluid bonded to. At the very least, change the head between users.

Versatility: ★★
It can really only be used in one way. It does have different speed settings, which is something, and is advertised as waterproof so could be used in the bath or shower if that’s your thing.

Intensity:
As mentioned above, this thing just felt like an annoyingly light and buzzy vibrator. Even on the highest settings, it was too weak to get me anywhere near to coming.

Overall Score: ★★
Sadly, much as I wanted to love it, the results for Satisfyer Pro 2 just didn’t live up to the hype (or the price point.)

A note: This is not exactly a bad toy. It has some significant flaws but it’s body-safe and well made. All bodies are different and suction toys clearly work really well for lots of people, which is brilliant. When considering a toy, particularly an expensive one, please look at lots of reviews and don’t base your choice on just one. I have a pretty small, fairly hidden away but VERY sensitive clitoris, and certain toys will suit my anatomy while others won’t. And that’s okay.

I bought the Satisfyer Pro 2 from a fellow blogger and chose to review it for informational purposes. Was this review helpful to you? Please consider saying thanks with a virtual coffee. Affiliate links are contained within this post.