A lot of people have exhibitionism kinks, meaning they get off on the idea (or reality) of doing sex and/or kink things in front of other people. But is this something you can do? Is it something you should do? The short answer is yes, but you need to be careful and considerate if you do choose to go for it.
Consent to sex and BDSM extends to anyone who will witness it. And this means that random members of the public should not be seeing your activities, since they have not consented to do so.
In some spaces, such as swing clubs and kink dungeons, consenting to be there means consenting to see certain activities that fall within the rules of the space. So if you want to get your exhibitionist on, consider going to one of these spaces so you can do so in a safe, controlled, and consensual way with enthusiastically voyeuristic participants.
Remote Control Sex Toys
One way to play subtly in public spaces is to use wearable, remote control vibrators such as the Lovense Lush or We-Vibe toys. These toys are generally quite quiet, meaning that you can safely use them in spaces with a decent level of ambient noise. Plus if people hear something vibrating with no other context, they’ll likely assume it is a mobile phone ringing.
Obviously, you’ll need to keep your facial expressions and responses under control if you want to do this.
Many kinky and D/s couples continue their dynamic in public – without violating anyone’s consent – by implementing protocols that people would not associate with kink without additional context. Easy examples include the submissive always walking on a particular side, the submissive carrying the Dominant’s belongings for them, or the submissive going to the bar to fetch the drinks as an act of service.
These are just a few ideas. Use your imagination and come up with subtle kink protocols that work for you.
I have mixed feelings on the subject of wearing obvious BDSM collars in public. On the one hand, we all get to wear the things we like on our own bodies, and many collars could plausibly pass for simple chokers. On the other hand, a collar can still be a fairly obvious symbol of a power exchange dynamic. You must decide for yourself where you fall on this. I used to wear my collar in public when I was in my former 24/7 relationship, but I probably wouldn’t do so now.
Fortunately, you can get subtle or completely vanilla-looking day collars. Mine used to be a bracelet with a little lock and key charm. Some look like simple necklaces. Your “day collar” can be a necklace, bracelet, ring, or something else entirely. I even know people who have a tattoo as their day collar, though obviously this requires an enormous degree of commitment and certainly!
Wear Something Your Dominant Chose
An easy way to feel submissive all day long? Ask your Dominant to choose your outfit for the day (or even an aspect of it, such as your underwear). Kayla Lords has written before about having her Dominant partner choose her panties for the day when they were long distance, and I think this is a great idea!
Receiving Tasks by Text
If you’re out and about away from your kinky partner, why not experiment with sending and receiving tasks by text (or email, messaging app, or communication system of your choice). These tasks can be sexual (“next time you go to the bathroom, take your knickers off and put them in your bag”) or completely vanilla (“drink a glass of water in the next half hour”). This is a great way to feel connected as you go about your days, and does not risk involving any non-consenting participants in your dynamic.
This post was written as part of Smutathon 2021! You can check out all our work and learn more about the challenge on the Smutathon website. Please consider donating to this year’s charities, Gendered Intelligence and Trans Lifeline.