Sex Blogging 101: An FAQ on What I Do.

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Content note: this post contains frank discussion about money. If that’s likely to be upsetting to you, please feel enormously free to take care of yourself and skip this one.

I’m often getting asked questions about what I do, both from wannabe sex bloggers wondering how to get started and from curious friends and strangers. So I thought I’d pop the most common ones in one place for your handy reference.

New bloggers: if you want to ask anything that isn’t covered here, it’s always okay to email me!

A cup of coffee, notebook and pen on a wooden table. For a post about sex blogging

How did you get into this?

By mistake. I’ve been a writer since I knew what words were, and sex has always fascinated me, so it’s kind of amazing it took me until the age of 26 to realise that sex blogging would be the perfect creative outlet for me. I used to write a lot of articles, think pieces and occasional erotica on Fetlife and they got a good amount of attention (even hitting the fabled ‘Kinky and Popular’ from time to time) so I thought, well, why not put them somewhere that more people could enjoy them? I grabbed a free WordPress domain, and Coffee & Kink was born.

So you didn’t intend to make money from it?

Not at first, no. At first I didn’t even really think anyone would read it! Blogging was a passion project first and foremost (and, frankly, it still is.) Don’t go into blogging solely or primarily to make money. Go into it because you love to write and have things to say, and consider making money a secondary goal. If you don’t love blogging, you’ll give up, because making money is not quick, easy or guaranteed.

How do I get started?

Buy a domain (more on that in a minute) and just write write write. You’re gonna need a tiny bit of technical know-how in order to learn your way around whatever content management plug-in you use (the WordPress one is by far the most common and best) but you can learn that as you go along and honestly, it’s not difficult! There are thousands of tutorials online and if you reach out to the community, one of us will usually be glad to help you.

But honestly, write. Write without worrying who’s reading it. Whatever’s in your heart, write it. Write like you’re running out of time.

(And if you don’t understand that last reference, go and educate yourself immediately. I’ll wait.)

Wait, buy a domain? But you said free!

Yep, I started off with a free WordPress site (those are the ones that are sitename.wordpress.com) but my single blogging regret is not going self-hosted sooner. Self-hosting, as long as you choose an adult friendly service provider (check before you buy!) gives you greater freedom over the look and feel of your site, gives you security against “WordPress suddenly decided they don’t like adult content and shut me down,” and allows you to make money from your site (you cannot monetise a free WordPress site.) To give you an idea of cost, my domain and hosting costs me about £40 a year.

If cost is an issue, by all means start with a free site and you can go self-hosted later on. Don’t let cost stop you from getting your words out there. Just don’t try to make money from a free site, they WILL shut you down.

So talk to me about making money…

I could do dozens of posts about this very thing. Thankfully I don’t have to, because The Smutlancer exists. Read and obey, friends – this is the single biggest and best resource on the web for those of us wanting to create content about sex and get paid for it.

Basically: it’s a slog. It takes work and it takes time to build up. But you CAN do it, if you want to and if you can write, and if you have realistic expectations.

So how much do you make?

Ah, the million dollar question (no, I do not make a million dollars, or I’d be writing this in a fancy little coffee shop in Italy, not on my sofa at Ungodly Early AM before running off to my day job.) At the current time I’m making an average of between £250 – £300 a month or a little over £3000 a year. It’s not enough to quit my day job and it’s certainly not enough to retire on, but it’s a VERY nice side income and enables me to do more of the things I want to do. My blogging income paid for a good chunk of our last holiday.

How Many Hours?

This income and the content you see me putting out comes from around 10 hours of work a week. Much of that work is writing content for my blog, but it’s also time spent answering emails, sending pitches, editing, plugging my affiliates around the web, curating my social media, and doing the necessary admin to keep my blog afloat. As always, the more you put in, the more you can expect to get out.

I’m currently trying to work out the Catch 22 between “I could make so much more money if I could do this full time” and “I can’t quit my day job to do this full time UNTIL I make more money!” It’s a complicated balancing act. For now, I’m enjoying the security of a regular job and the creative freedom to write what I want in my spare time.

Where do you make the money from?

I broke this down for you all and also for my own information, because it was interesting to see the numbers. They are not quite what I expected!

Very broadly speaking, I make about 50% of my blogging income from affiliate sales, 40% from commissioned writing including sponsored content on my site and guest posts for other sites, and the remaining 10% from everything else (my Patreon, my Ko-Fi Virtual Coffees, very occasional sponsored reviews). I expect this is getting close to a tipping point where it will change, because my affiliate income is quite steady – not really growing or decreasing a huge amount – whereas my client work and commissioned writing is now growing quite fast.

Enough about finances… what’s the best thing about being a sex blogger?

The community. Hands down, the community. Sex writers and content creators are some of the kindest, most generous and supportive and brilliant people you could ever hope to meet.

When I’m feeling down and wondering why I do this, it’s so often my sex writer friends who pick me up. And have you ever experienced a night out on the town with three or more sex bloggers and a lot of wine? Because, um, I recommend it.

Apart from that, the best thing is the freedom to talk about the things I always want to talk about, having a place to express sexiness and vulnerability in equal measure and feel reasonably confident that I’ll receive a kind and positive response.

University taught me plotting and character and story structure and perfect grammar, but it’s not my degree that made me a writer. It’s this community and my readers.

And the worst?

The stigma. I don’t tell that many people in my real life what I do, and… well, let’s just say I’m not called Amy Norton at work. This is at least a pseudo-anonymous project. I do occasionally have flashes of panic about what would happen if my mother or my boss stumbled across it, but that is why I’ve taken extra, possibly over-cautious steps to hide my identity (preemptively blocking everyone in my family and at work on Twitter, anyone!?)

But talking about sex is how we smash stigma, so hopefully between us we can get this conversation to such a point that we really start to notice a difference.

What kinds of people sex blog?

All kinds! The vast majority of us tend to be women, non-binary folks or queer men. There are a small handful of cis-het men sex blogging, but relatively few by comparison. But literally anyone can do this. Your gender, age, race, orientation, background and unique life experiences combine to give you a perspective that no-one else can have, so please bring your voice to the table.

How can you be okay with putting your private thoughts, fantasies and sexual experiences out there for the world to see?

I’m a bit of an exhibitionist by nature. Thinking that people are reading about my amazing experiences and filthy fantasies and getting turned on… well, that turns me on too!

I also think that by the time it occurred to me that maybe people would expect me to feel shame at putting this stuff out there for the whole world, I was so far down the rabbit hole that I just couldn’t find a single fuck to give.

Basically, I believe that our words can change the world and that we only break our cultural silence around sex by talking openly about it.

Some people are intensely private and that’s entirely valid. I am not one of those people.

What does your partner think of what you do?

He oscillates between “thinking it’s hilarious when huge boxes of dildos show up for me” and “gently reminding me that I have to eat, sleep and do chores occasionally”.

But no, in all seriousness he’s extremely supportive. He gives me space to write when I need it, helps me test sex toys, and bounces ideas around with me – even though he’s not a writer himself, he’s really smart, really sex-positive and just an all round excellent human.

At this point, someone who isn’t okay with what I do just isn’t going to get to date me. There are enough great people who think this is awesome, life’s too short to bang people who don’t. My work is my other primary partner and I don’t jeopardise it for anyone.

What do YOU want to know about what I do? Comment or email me and I might do a follow-up to this at some point!

Image courtesy of Pixabay.

Sex Educator Interview #2: Girl on the Net

Today I have another lovely interview for you, from the fascinating and frankly wonderful Girl on the Net. I met her at Eroticon this year and she’s not only super generous with sharing her knowledge and insights, she was also the first person to pay me to write about sex, when she accepted my pitch for a guest blog on her site earlier this year. I hope you enjoy this little insight into the woman behind one of the longest-standing and most awesome sex blogs.

The cover of Girl on the Net's "How a Bad Girl Fell in Love." For an interview post

Tell us a little bit about you and the work you do?

Mostly I write porn – I love the written word, and I find well-turned phrases intensely arousing. Since 2011 I’ve been sex blogging – mostly true stories about things I’ve done with hot people in the past, or fantasies I have about what to do in the future. But within that I always try to mix a bit of politics – whether that’s urging people to avoid using big tube sites, tackling the UK government’s ridiculous ideas around age-verification and porn, or challenging sexism in various forms.

What first made you want to write about sex?

I had a lot of stories and I just really wanted to tell them. For a lot of my life I felt a bit like I was wrong or weird for enjoying sex as much as I do. I was always told that *men* like sex, whereas women simply use sex as a way to negotiate relationships with men. But that’s total bullshit. I think initially I started the blog because I wanted a way to communicate that desperate, urgent lust that has driven so many of my decisions (good and bad). Since I’ve been blogging, I’ve discovered one of the nicest feelings: that ‘me too!’ moment when commenters say ‘OMG I thought I was the only one!’ Talking about sex – however we do it – helps us all feel less alone.

Can you tell us a little bit about your journey into sex writing and how it went from being a hobby to being (I believe) your full-time job?

So back in 2013 I think it was, I was having a horrible time at work and I was also struggling a lot with anxiety. I have anxiety at a low-level all the time, but it comes in waves, and around that time I had a huge wave – partly due to work, and partly due to the stress of trying to keep my work life and my blog life separate. At the same time I’d done a couple of GOTN-related pieces of work, and I wondered if I could start doing this stuff full time.

I went to Eroticon in 2014, and met so many incredible sex bloggers and writers, and got some truly invaluable advice from the people I met there. I even got commissioned to start working with Pandora Blake, copywriting for her site Dreams of Spanking. At the time I’d quit my job, and expected to be able to live off savings/bits and pieces for perhaps six months before i had to find a new day job. But that conference gave me the confidence and knowledge to start finding freelance work and live full-time off what I’m doing as GOTN. I’m earning way less than I used to in the corporate world, but I don’t have to take rush-hour tubes any more, and I can spend more time focusing on the blog and doing the things I really love.

Did you always know you’d write a book (or several) one day, or did that spring from the blogging organically?

I “wrote” my first “book” when I was about 13 – and those scare-quotes are very important because it was an absolutely shit book. A kind of Point Horror rip-off in which this girl’s entire family gets killed one by one. It was so bad I can’t even remember who the killer was now. I only tell you that story because I knew I always wanted to write. I just didn’t know what I wanted to write about until I realised that you have to write what you love: and I love sex!

What does “a day in the life of You” look like?

Blimey, OK I’m going to give you today because it’s reasonably typical.

Wake up, check phone, see a tonne of emails and have a mini-panic that I will never get through them (narrator’s voice: she would never get through them). Then shower, coffee-and-check-twitter, then sit at my desk and bash out whatever copy I need to write to meet my deadlines today – it might be an article for a magazine or online, or a blog post for one of the sex toy companies I contract for, or if I’ve just had a book out it might be a couple of articles I’m writing to publicise the book.

Then lunch and Bargain Hunt. That is sacred. Every day I make lunch at 12:30 then sit down to eat it at 12:45, so I can see how much money people have lost in Bargain Hunt. It calms me down and reminds me that whatever I might have fucked up in the morning, at least I didn’t spend £150 on some hideous piece of silver that turns out to only be worth 20 quid.

After lunch I try to do more GOTN-related stuff: blog posts, recording audio porn for the new audio porn hub which I really want to grow. I also have a couple of projects I’m working on for GOTN that I’m not allowed to tell people about yet, so this is usually the time I’ll do them. Towards the end of the day I try to answer emails or catch up on admin – invoicing people, paying guest bloggers, that kind of thing.

I’ll also usually go and check the Eroticon accounts – see if we’ve had any new contact from sponsors or pitch to a few new sponsors, or write blog posts/emails for Eroticon, chat to Molly and Michael to plan things or contact new potential speakers.

All this interspersed with cigarette breaks, panics because I’m worried I’ve done/said the wrong thing, a lot of pissing about on Twitter, and occasional interruptions from my other half if he’s working from home offering to make me coffee and/or let me suck him off.

What’s the best thing about being a sex writer, in your opinion? The worst?

The best thing is that when I am in the flow, and writing about something that fascinates/excites/enrages me (basically anything that stirs emotions) it is like an actual high. If I write something I am proud of, I will glow for the rest of the day.

The worst thing, I think, is that I absolutely suck at the business side of sex blogging. Although this is my full time job, the majority of the stuff I do is either free or underpaid, because I do a lot of it out of love. I get incredibly good web traffic, but I suck at selling ad space, so as a result my blog makes way less money than it should (and, incidentally, I am a total BARGAIN if any companies are reading this). And there are lots of things I won’t do because I just don’t enjoy them: sponsored posts, for instance. I’m aware I could do way better at all this stuff, but I just don’t enjoy doing the sales and admin stuff.

What’s your favourite piece you’ve ever written?

This is the HARDEST question and not just because I don’t want to be arrogant – it’s also because once I’ve written something I am very much done with it, and I don’t tend to think about it any more unless it pops up in my archive auto-tweet.

I guess my first book. Because I was so determined to write a book before I was thirty, and to be able to have done it made me incredibly happy at the time. My second book, too, of course, because I got the thrill of actually seeing it in book shops!

In terms of blog posts, because it’s easier to link to a blog post than a book, I really enjoy writing about sex robots and this post is one I’m particularly proud of because it’s whimsical and philosophical and is crammed with robots. I was also really pleased with a sex positions article I wrote for The Debrief a while ago – there are no gendered pronouns and all the positions can be done no matter what your genital configuration: at the time it was my ambition to get a sex tips article that was entirely gender-neutral onto a mainstream site, so I was delighted that they didn’t edit a word.

You share a LOT of personal stuff, which is awesome. Can you talk about how you decide what to share in your work and what to leave out?

Ha! Well there are two things primarily that affect what I write about: first one is, of course, consideration for my partners. while there are some ex-partners that don’t know they’re being written about (ones from long long ago or one-night stands), most of the people I talk about on my blog know that they’re there – the ‘significant’ guys (my ex and my current partner, mostly) know that I write about them and both have had input into whether there are particular things they don’t want me to talk about. It can be tricky avoiding those things sometimes but I think I’ve managed it!

The other thing is less exciting: it’s about anonymity. So a lot of my stories will have details changed, or timelines fudged a bit, to try and avoid anyone finding out who I actually am. And then I guess on top of that there’s the matter of whether I’m ready to write about something yet: I have a series of cool sex things that happened over the last year, involving some friends of mine and lots of hot sex together. I’m not ready to write about those yet though because I don’t think I can do them justice. They’ll go up as a series, probably, when I’ve taken a lot of time to write and consult with the people who feature.

If you were stuck on a desert island (sorry, sorry, I HAD to do a ‘desert island’ question) and could take three sex toys, which would you pick and why?

Assuming I have a generator I can use to charge them, I would pick the Doxy, because it is the greatest sex toy of all time and the one thing that can get me off even when I’m anxious/in a slump. I would also take a decent dildo – my favourite at the moment is the Godemiche Ambit – because that would give me a bit of variety/G-spot love. And for my third, could I take another Doxy? If I’m going to be stuck on that island for a while, being very bored and doing a lot of wanking, I want to make sure I’ve got a spare for when I inevitably fuck the first one into an early grave.

What’s something you used to believe about sex/relationships but don’t believe any more, and what changed your mind?

I used to think that break-ups amounted to failure. That my goal should be to find someone I really like and then cling to them until the day I die, because successful relationships last forever. That’s bollocks, though: you can have remarkably successful, fulfilling relationships that only last a short while, and you can have successful, worthwhile long-term relationships that inevitably end. I wish I’d known this sooner and been able to embrace it. I think knowing that relationships don’t have to fit this template has made me more comfortable thinking about what I actually want rather than what I think I ‘should’ be doing.

What’s the best sex advice you ever got?

I’ve had TONNES of great sex advice, but honestly I think the most useful is less individual advice and more a general philosophy. Meg-John Barker + Justin Hancock’s book Enjoy Sex: How, When And If You Want To really inspired me. It’s not about positions or tips or assumptions about what will and won’t guarantee you pleasure – it basically encourages you to ask questions of yourself – what do I like? What am I like? Why do I enjoy this or that thing?

So I guess the best sex advice I got was a whole book’s worth of it, and the knowledge that it is far more valuable to explore your own desires and communicate with partners about them than it is to try and tick boxes based on what Cosmo says is the position of the month. Like, I knew this already, but the book really helped me work through the detail of it. It’s a brilliant book, everyone who’s interested in sex should have a copy!

What do you think is the most toxic myth that our society perpetuates about sex/relationships?

That everyone should have one, and if you aren’t in one then you have somehow ‘failed.’ I have single friends who are incredibly happy, and single friends who are miserable: all of them repeatedly bashing their head against other people’s pity and assumption that their lives would be better if they’d only ‘settle down.’

To expand on this, I think the idea that romantic/sexual relationships should always follow a natural path of progression (first base, second base, third. Mortgage, marriage, babies, etc) is really toxic. It pushes people to autopilot onto what they think the next ‘step’ should be, rather than focusing on what they actually want. And it makes those who choose different paths feel like they are weird or wrong, when actually they may well have it more sorted than those who have just autopiloted into marriage. That’s not to say that choosing this traditional path is wrong, of course: it may be the right decision for many people. It’s just that it is absolutely, definitely, 100% NOT the right idea for everyone, and we should encourage people to make conscious choices about what they want, rather than pressure them into doing what others expect.

What’s one question that you wish people would stop asking you?

“Is that your real name?” The answer is always ‘no’ swiftly followed by me being uncomfortable and leaving the conversation. People get really hung up on names, and can’t quite cope with the idea that the person they’re speaking to is using a pseudonym. But I’m comfortable with my pseudonyms (I have a few, and I give people different ones depending on how much I trust them – thus if I am outed as ‘Kate Bloggs’ [not one I actually use] I will probably know who outed me, because I’ll only have given that name to one or two people.)

And just for fun, because it is “Coffee and Kink”: do you like coffee and how do you take it?

Milk, two sugars and as cheap as it comes. I’ll drink a latte if I really fucking *have* to, but I prefer instant because I am a devastatingly cheap date.

Thank you so much to Girl on the Net for her time and insights! Don’t forget to check out her work if you’re one of the last three people on the Internet who reads sex blogs and hasn’t come across her yet. Upcoming interviews include Kayla Lords, Cooper S Beckett, Dedeker Winston, Graydancer & more, so watch this space… 
The image featured in this post is Girl on the Net’s latest book cover, and was used with her permission.

Sex Educator Interviews #1: Kate Sloan

Over the next few weeks, I’m hoping to share a series of interviews with some of the sex educators and writers I admire who have been kind enough to agree to let me interview them.

First up is the lovely and extremely talented Kate Sloan, blogger, journalist and one half of the hi-fucking-larious The Dildorks podcast.  

 A picture of Kate Sloan, a white woman with long, wavy dark hair. She has her hands on the side of her head and her mouth open in a 'surprised' expression. She is wearing a blue jacket, blue gloves and a rainbow striped knitted hat.

Tell us a little bit about you and the work you do?

Sure! My name’s Kate Sloan and I’m a sex blogger, sex journalist, and sex podcaster. (A whole lotta sex things!) I blog 2-3 times a week over at Girly Juice about sex, kink, relationships, style, and mental health. I write for various other outlets about those topics too (most recently: Glamour, Teen Vogue, and Kinkly). I’m also a producer and co-host of a show called The Dildorks; it’s a weekly podcast for sex nerds that I do with my best friend Bex.

What first made you want to write about sex?

I’ve honestly been fascinated by sex for as long as I can remember – to the point that I’ve had therapists think it’s weird and ask me “Why?!” I can remember writing erotica from about age 9, and researching sex and masturbation from my earliest days on the internet. I’ve just always found it an intriguing topic, socioculturally and psychologically. Sex is so much of what drives us and makes us tick as humans!

When I started Girly Juice, a lot of people asked me why I had chosen to focus my blog on sex – and my honest answer is that I couldn’t think of anything else I’d truly be able to write about forever. Now I’m more than five years into writing the blog and I’m nowhere near running out of ideas. Sex is endlessly interesting to me!

Can you tell us a little bit about your journey to becoming a professional sex writer? How does one ‘make it’ in this field?

I went to journalism school, but that’s definitely not a necessary step for writers. I was fortunate in that my school, Ryerson University, was super supportive of my sex-journalism ambitions. My entrance essay, for example, was about a Grant Stoddard piece on massage-parlor handjobs and my final project was about kink and mental health. Yay for permissive institutions!

I started my blog 6 months before beginning that program, and then my 4 years at Ryerson honed my writing skills and also taught me how to do things like pitch stories, research properly, and do interviews. Throughout my time there, I pitched a lot and wrote about sex for various publications, mostly Canadian ones like Herizons magazine and the Plaid Zebra. Around the time I graduated last year, my career really started to take off, with my blog getting more attention and my pitches getting accepted at bigger outlets.

The reason I say J-school isn’t a vital step is that success in writing is really more about your skill, your portfolio, and your connections, in my experience. If you build up a great body of work, learn how to write good pitches, and can submit well-written copy on time, that’ll take you a long way, even if you have no academic credentials in the field.

What does “a day in the life of a sex journalist” look like for you?

Right now I have a part-time “dayjob” doing social media for a marketing company in the adult industry, and I do that work first thing in the morning because it’s time-sensitive. I get up at 8AM and spend about 2-3 hours in bed writing tweets about porn, phone sex, and cam shows. It’s pretty rad.

At that point, I get dressed and put makeup on. (I like to feel cute when I write; it improves the end result, I think.) I head out to a local café with my laptop, grab coffee and a muffin, and settle into a window seat. Writing at coffee shops helps focus me, because I’ve gone there with the specific intention of getting work done (plus I live with a rock band, so sometimes it’s too loud to write at my house!). I’ll work on whatever creative stuff needs to get done that day: writing or outlining a blog post, editing a podcast episode, putting together a pitch.

After a couple hours at the café, I come home and have lunch, usually while listening to a goofy McElroy brothers podcast. After lunch, I get a bit more dayjob work done, and/or work on administrative tasks (I find my capacity for creativity fades in the afternoon) like answering emails, scheduling tweets, and planning my editorial calendar. If I’m working on a journalistic piece, sometimes I do phone interviews with sources in the afternoon.

In the evening, I typically read articles online, catch up on my fave TV shows (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, New Girl, and The Bold Type!), smoke weed and/or jerk off, ‘cause I’m classy like that. Sometimes I go see my boyfriend or a friend, or go to an improv show.

What’s the best thing about being a sex writer, in your opinion? The worst?

The best thing is that I get to write about what authentically fascinates me. I get to chase that exciting feeling of “WHAT?!” and “OMG!” and “HOW THE FUCK?!” all the damn time. I pitch stories on whatever sexual phenomena are capturing my attention at any given moment, and I blog about whatever the hell I want, even sometimes stuff that isn’t strictly related to sex. My work honestly thrills me every day, even when I secretly wish I could be sleeping instead of writing. Few people get to be as excited by their work as I am!

The worst thing is that people don’t always take you seriously. I can’t count the number of times I’ve had to explain to people that my blog is actually a serious endeavor and a major source of income for me, rather than just an embarrassing dalliance I’m doing while I look for better work. However, for every person I meet who’s judgmental of what I do, I meet at least five people who think it’s awesome, so whatever. Fuck the h8erz.

What’s your favourite piece you’ve ever written?

Yikes, hard question! I’m proud of a lot of my print work and fancy research-heavy journalism, but I think the piece of mine I honestly love most is a blog post called “You’re Vanilla. I’m Not. But I Love You.” It was sort of the culmination of an enormously difficult unrequited love I endured, and how that got tangled up with kink and depression and self-worth. Writing is often cathartic for me, but I think that piece, especially, helped me get over that intense love by processing all these moments and details I hadn’t talked much about or known what to do with. I think sometimes organizing your thoughts into a cohesive narrative can help you understand them better, and thereby understand yourself better.

Who inspires you, professionally and personally?

Some of my favorite writers, sex-focused and otherwise: Alana Massey, Rachel Rabbit White, Caitlin Moran, Allison Moon, Tina Horn, Rachel Kramer Bussel, Jillian Keenan, Katie Forsythe, Brandon Taylor, Rachel Syme, Helena Fitzgerald, Alexandra Franzen, Gala Darling, Epiphora, Esmé Wang, Sean Michaels, Clementine Morrigan, and C. Brian Smith. Woof, that’s a lot!

Other people who inspire me: my mom. My best friend, Bex. My other blogger friends (the incredibly brave Lilly, of Dangerous Lilly, and Sarah, of Formidable Femme, come to mind immediately). Revolutionary kink educators like Mollena Williams and Princess Kali. The ladies of The Blogcademy. Musical theatre composers Stephen Sondheim and Jason Robert Brown. My friend Brent “Brentalfloss” Black, a fellow creative weirdo. Artists whose music has changed my life, like Regina Spektor, Nellie McKay, Nathan Stocker and (gulp) Nick Jonas. All the ex-partners who have made me into the specific sexual eccentric I am today.

If you were stuck on a desert island (sorry, sorry, I HAD to do a ‘desert island’ question) and could take one vibrating toy, one dildo, one anal toy, and one miscellaneous sexy item of your choice, what would your picks be?

Vibrator: the We-Vibe Tango. Can’t live without it. (Does this island have outlets?)

Dildo: the Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble, with which I would like to be buried someday.

Anal toy: the medium Njoy Pure Plug, simply the most perfect plug that has ever graced my butt.

Miscellaneous sexy item: my Lexan paddle from the now-defunct KinkMachineWorks. I love being spanked (and occasionally spanking people) and this is probably my favorite tool for the job.

What’s something you used to believe about sex/relationships but don’t believe any more, and what changed your mind?

(Content warning for fatphobia and toxic thoughts about weight, y’all.) I used to think a chubby, not-conventionally-attractive-lookin’ lady like me was unloveable, or undeserving of good sex, or incapable of attracting people.

That is bullshit. I cannot overstate how much that is utter bullshit. True story: in 2014, I worked hard and lost a fair amount of weight, because I fundamentally believed I would not be able to find love (or good sex) unless I did that. And I literally had NO SEX and went on NO DATES while I was at that weight, because frankly I wasn’t confident at all and wasn’t pursuing people. It wasn’t until I gained back all the weight, and then some, that people started being openly interested in me again. Since then, my sex life has been absolutely hoppin’, and that has nothing to do with weight and everything to do with confidence and self-love.

What’s the best sex advice you ever got?

My grandmother – a very wise woman – used to tell me all the time, “You don’t ask, you don’t get.” I don’t think she ever expressed this in a sexual context, but it’s fantastic sex advice nonetheless. As a meek, anxious submissive, I’ve wasted a lot of time silently hoping someone would do [x thing] to me, instead of just asking for [x thing]. It’s silly. If someone likes you and likes having sex with you, they’d probably also like making your fantasy come true, so you might as well ask!

What do you think is the most toxic myth that our society perpetuates about sex/relationships?

Gosh, there’s so many! One that particularly bugs me is the idea that women are fundamentally different from men – an alien species, a foreign entity. There’s so much discourse out there along the lines of “What do women like?” and “How do you get a woman to ___?” and it’s all based on the dangerous myth that women are a monolith who all respond identically to stimulus, like a horde of robots. We’re just people, who each have unique desires and preferences and motivations, like people do!

What’s one question that you wish people would stop asking you?

“So do you just, like, get paid to masturbate?”

I review sex toys on my blog, but toy-testing is honestly about 2% of the work I put into running my biz. I’m not gonna lie, my line of work is pretty sweet, but no, I do not “get paid to masturbate”! (Well, except when people pay me for cam shows, but even then, a lot of what I’m getting paid for is emotional labor, not my own pleasure.)

And just for fun, because it is “Coffee and Kink”: do you like coffee? If so, how do you take it?

Love it! My fave is an Americano with soy milk, sugar, cinnamon and nutmeg. Or a hazelnut soy latte. Or, in summer, an iced peppermint latte. Or just inject caffeine directly into my veins; that’s fine too.

Thank you so much to Kate for taking the time to speak to me! Don’t forget to check out her work. Upcoming interviews include Cooper S Beckett and Kayla Lords, so watch this space…

Kate kindly provided the featured picture for this post. She owns the copyright and this picture must not be reproduced or copied without her express permission.