The subject of masturbation in a relationship is surprisingly divisive. A shocking number people still believe masturbation is cheating or that once you’re in a relationship or married, your partner has exclusive rights to you as a sexual being. Others feel guilt, shame, or worry that they’re broken or “addicted” if they still masturbate while they’re in a relationship.

Of all the myths about masturbation I wish would die, the idea that people in relationships don’t (or shouldn’t) masturbate is near the top of the list.

Masturbation is not only normal, but also healthy and good for you. This applies equally whether you’re partnered or single. Let’s look at some really good reasons to engage in some self-love regardless of your relationship status.

Your Only Lifelong Sexual Relationship Will Be With Yourself

Relationships come and go. Most of us are not constantly in a relationship from the moment we become aware of our sexual desires to the moment we die. Even if you’re in one monogamous relationship your entire adult life, there will be times when sex is off the cards whether due to illness, medication, ageing, mismatched desire, or geographical separation. Most of us will go through periods of being in relationships and periods of being single throughout our lives.

But whoever else is or isn’t in our lives (and beds,) our longest and most enduring sexual relationship will always be with ourselves.

Masturbation is one of the greatest ways to build a positive sexual relationship with yourself. It gives you the tools to satisfy yourself sexually without the need for anyone else. It contributes to positive sexual self-esteem, increased pleasure, and better mood.

Masturbation in Relationships Can Improve Your Partnered Sex

Few things are hotter than a sexual partner who knows exactly what they like and knows how to ask for it. And do you know what masturbation is amazing for? Teaching you what you like and allowing you to discover new things.

Exploring your own body gives you the tools to tell (or show) present and future partners how you like to be touched. And, since bodies change throughout our lifetimes for many reasons, this is an ongoing process of self exploration and learning.

Masturbation helps to keep your knowledge of your own body sharp. It also reduces fear of change in your body, because you already know how to roll with this change and adapt to meet your body where it’s at.

Masturbation Can Take the Pressure Off

Relying on one person to meet all of your sexual needs can be a lot of pressure for both of you. If you’re in a monogamous relationship, exploring with other people is understandably off the table. But exploring with yourself absolutely shouldn’t be.

If having sex with your partner is the only way you can get your sexual needs met, that creates an environment that is more likely to lead to coercion or pressure, even if unintentional. But if you have a rich sexual relationship with yourself, you can meet your own needs when your desire and your partner’s don’t line up.

Masturbation in a Relationship Doesn’t Mean There is Anything Wrong With Your Sex Life

“My partner shouldn’t need to masturbate, they have me!”

After more than 15 years of being sexually active, I’ve realised that the amount I masturbate has almost nothing to do with the amount (or, frankly, the quality) of partnered sex I’m having. I couldn’t find any robust data on this subject but, anecdotally at least, this appears to be a fairly typical experience.

Some people even report that they masturbate more when they’re having great sex with a partner. A satisfying sex life can give your overall level of desire a boost, creating a virtuous circle where pleasure begets desire begets pleasure.

Long story short, your partner masturbating does not mean your sex life together is somehow lacking or unsatisfactory.

Masturbation and Sex Fulfill Different Needs

Masturbation and partnered sex are different. Partnered sex can be as much about the connection, the dynamic, and the interplay between partners as about the physical sensations. Masturbation can be about anything from exploring new sensations to indulging in a fantasy world to just releasing some tension so you can go to sleep.

Partnered sex is about both (or all) the people involved. Masturbation can be just about you. And it’s okay to desire and enjoy both, in different ways and for different reasons.

Your Body Belongs to You

This is really the bottom line in the question of masturbation in a relationship. Your body is yours, and you are the only person who gets to decide what you do with it. Whatever your relationship status, you don’t need anyone’s permission to have a sexual relationship with yourself.

A relationship is a mutual and consensual exchange between two (or more) people. It does not imply ownership over the other person, their body, or their sexuality. If your partner thinks they have a right to control or limit your solo sex life, it can be a red flag for coercive control.

Resources and Further Reading

• Jenny Block’s The Ultimate Guide to Solo Sex
• The classic Sex For One by Betty Dodson, PhD
• The CLIMAX series of educational videos (50% off with my link and code AMY)
• BANG! Masturbation for People of All Genders and Abilities by Vic Liu, which centres the experiences of people of colour, disabled people, queer people, sex workers, and other marginalised groups
• My essay on shame and guilt after masturbating