“Is masturbation cheating?” is a question that comes up surprisingly frequently. A lot of people carry tremendous guilt about masturbating, especially if they are in a relationship, while others feel betrayed by their partner’s solo sex habits and view masturbating as a form of cheating.

What is Cheating, Anyway?

Before we can dismantle the idea that masturbation is cheating, we first need to understand what “cheating” or infidelity actually is.

In most monogamous relationships, cheating is defined along the lines of “doing sexual or romantic things with someone who isn’t your partner.” Of course, this doesn’t hold up for those of us who are polyamorous or in open relationships. In those relationships, doing sexual or romantic things with multiple people is the entire point. However, it’s still possible to commit infidelity, betray a partner, or cheat in polyamorous and non-monogamous relationships.

Broadly speaking, my working definition of cheating is knowingly and willfully breaking the agreements of your relationship in order to engage sexually or romantically with another person without your partner’s knowledge and/or consent.

Masturbating Cannot Be Cheating Because You Can’t Cheat On Your Partner With Yourself

Masturbation is solo sex, or something that you do alone and with your own body. By definition, therefore, masturbation cannot be cheating because it does not involve a third party. You cannot cheat on your partner with yourself.

If touching your own body is cheating, then is taking yourself on a dinner date to a restaurant cheating? After all, you presumably go on dates with your partner. If this argument sounds ludicrous, it’s because the idea that masturbation is cheating is equally nonsensical.

Again: you cannot cheat on someone with yourself.

Is Masturbation Cheating if My Partner is Masturbating All the Time Instead of Having Sex With Me?

It’s true that, in occasional outlying circumstances, a person’s masturbation habits can become compulsive to the point that they interfere with partnered sex. However, this isn’t super common and regular masturbation doesn’t normally have a negative impact on sexual desire for a partner. But even if this is what’s happening, the answer to the question of whether masturbating instead of having sex with a partner is cheating is still no.

Sexual incompatibilities in a relationship can be hard, but they’re a thousand times harder when you don’t talk about them. If you’re dissatisfied with the sexual relationship you have with your partner, you need to have a conversation. You might need to work on increasing intimacy in your relationship, get outside support such as therapy, renegotiate the terms of your relationship, or end it. But it’s still not cheating.

Your partner doesn’t owe you sex, and their right to a solo sex life is not contingent on their providing you with sexual access to them. Forbidding your partner to masturbate might seem like an easy answer if you’re not getting your sexual needs met, but it’s never okay to infringe on your partner’s bodily autonomy in this way. It also won’t actually solve the problem because, in all but the most extreme cases, the chances are that your partner’s lack of interest in sex has little or nothing to do with their masturbation habits.

Is Masturbation Cheating If I Hide It?

No.

Your partner doesn’t need to know about everything you do that doesn’t impact them directly. This includes solo sex. Masturbating privately is not cheating.

Of course, I believe that partners should be able to talk openly about sex, including masturbation. But this doesn’t mean that you need to tell your partner every time you do it, or even specifically notify them that you masturbate at all. The overwhelming majority of people masturbate. We should all probably just assume that our partners are getting themselves off sometimes and that it’s not a big deal.

People in relationships are still allowed privacy, and that privacy extends to masturbation.

Is Masturbation Cheating if I Watch Porn or Fantasise?

Still no.

I understand that people can have strong opinions about porn and other erotic media. And I can understand wanting to be with someone whose views on the subject align with yours. However, I still firmly believe that, as long as you’re using it mindfully, consuming porn or erotica can be a part of a healthy solo sex life that has no negative impact on your relationship whatsoever.

And by the way: porn is not an addiction. Neither is using a sex toy. Neither is masturbation.

Similarly, fantasising is not a problem and having fantasies while masturbating does not constitute cheating. Most of us find people other than our partners attractive or have sexual fantasies that don’t involve our current partners at least occasionally. Fantasy is fantasy, and does not equate to action. Simply put: masturbation to sexual fantasies is still not cheating.

Your Body Belongs To You

You have an absolute, inalienable right to bodily autonomy. Your body belongs to you and nobody else. Always.

And yes, this applies even in a 24/7 Dominant/submissive relationship. You might consensually agree to play with things like chastity or orgasm control because they’re fun, but even a submissive partner can always take back control, renegotiate, or withdraw consent at any time. If you can’t do this then you don’t have a relationship, you have a hostage situation.

You have the right to do what you like with and to your own body. And that includes the right to engage in a sexual relationship with yourself. Even if you’ve agreed to be monogamous, your partner does not own your sexuality. Masturbation is not cheating and you have a right to do it if you want to. Trying to control you to that extent, or limit the ways you can engage privately with your own body, is a major red flag or abuse or coercive control.