“Is masturbation cheating?” is a question that comes up surprisingly frequently. A lot of people carry tremendous guilt about masturbating, especially if they are in a relationship, while others feel betrayed by their partner’s solo sex habits.

What is Cheating, Anyway?

In order for me to rip apart the idea that masturbation is cheating, we first need to understand what “cheating” or infidelity actually is.

To monogamous people, cheating is broadly defined as “doing sexual or romantic things with someone who isn’t your partner.” However, this doesn’t hold up for those of us who are polyamorous or in open relationships. In those relationships, doing sexual or romantic things with multiple people is the entire point. However, it’s still possible to commit infidelity, betray a partner, or cheat in polyamory or a non-monogamous relationship.

Broadly speaking, my working definition of cheating is knowingly and willfully breaking the agreements of your relationship in order to engage sexually or romatically with another person without your partner’s knowledge and/or consent.

You Can’t Cheat On Your Partner With Yourself

Masturbation is solo sex, or something that you do alone with your own body. By definition, therefore, it cannot be cheating because it does not involve a third party. You cannot cheat on your partner with yourself.

If touching your own body sexually is cheating, then is going to a coffee shop or restaurant by yourself also cheating? After all, you’d presumably sometimes do those things with your partner, right? If this argument sounds ludicrous, it’s because the idea that masturbation is cheating is also ludicrous.

Again: you can’t cheat with yourself.

Is Masturbation Cheating if My Partner is Jerking Off All the Time Instead of Having Sex With Me?

If you’re dissatisfied with the sexual relationship you have with your partner, you need to have a conversation. However, to the question of whether masturbation is cheating if your partner is doing it instead of having sex with you, the answer is still no.

It might be upsetting. It might even cause you to end the relationship or renegotiate aspects of it. But is it cheating? No. Your partner doesn’t owe you sex, and their right to a solo sex life is not contingent on their providing you with sexual access to them.

If you and your partner aren’t having sex, or are having sex less than you would like, it’s important to talk about it. Sexual incompatibilities in a relationship can be hard, but they’re a thousand times harder when you don’t talk about them.

Forbidding your partner to masturbate might seem like an easy answer if you’re not getting your sexual needs met, but it’s never okay to infringe on your partner’s bodily autonomy in this way. It also won’t actually solve the problem because, in all but the most extreme cases, the chances are that your partner’s lack of interest in sex has little or nothing to do with their masturbation habits. It’s far more likely that other issues such as relationship problems, pain or lack of pleasure during partnered sex, low self esteem, physical or mental health challenges, sexual trauma, or just plain old exhaustion are at play.

Is Masturbation Cheating If I Hide It?

No.

Your partner doesn’t need to know everything you do that doesn’t impact them directly. This includes masturbation.

Of course, in an ideal world I believe that partners should be able to talk openly about sex, including masturbation. But this doesn’t mean that you need to tell your partner every time you do it, or even specifically notify them that you masturbate at all. The overwhelming majority of people do it, so we should all probably just assume that our partners are getting themselves off sometimes and that it’s not a big deal.

People in relationships are still allowed privacy, and that privacy includes the right to have a private solo sex life if you want to.

Is Masturbation Cheating if I Watch Porn or Fantasise?

Still no.

I understand that people can have strong opinions about porn and other erotic media. And I can understand wanting to be with someone whose views on the subject align with yours. However, I still firmly believe that – as long as you’re using it mindfully – consuming porn or erotica can be a part of a healthy solo sex life that has no negative impact on your relationship whatsoever.

And by the way: it’s not an addiction.

Similarly, fantasising is not a problem. Most of us find people other than our partners attractive at least occasionally, or have a sexual fantasy about something we haven’t done/won’t do/can’t do with our current partners. Fantasy is fantasy, and does not equate to action. Simply put, it is not cheating.

Your Body Belongs To You

You have an absolute, inalienable right to bodily autonomy. Your body belongs to you and nobody else. Always.

And yes, this applies even in a 24/7 Dominant/submissive relationship. You might consensually agree to play with things like chastity or orgasm control because they’re fun, but even a submissive partner can always take back control, renegotiate, or withdraw consent at any time. If you can’t then you don’t have a relationship, you have a hostage situation.

You have the right to do what you like with and to your own body. And that includes the right to engage in a sexual relationship with yourself. Even if you’ve agreed to be monogamous, your partner does not own your sexuality. Trying to control you to that extent, or limit the ways you can engage privately with your own body, is a major red flag or abuse or coercive control.