One of the coolest things about kink is that it’s almost infinitely varied. Everyone’s interests, experience, and reality are completely different and there is more to explore than any of us will get to in a lifetime. This variety is also why BDSM negotiation is important.

Just because two people are kinky, you can’t assume that they’ll have many (or any) kinks in common. Negotiation is the process of figuring out what you want to do together, what’s off the table, and how you want to feel during your scene. Negotiation is a vital component of BDSM safety.

If you’re new to BDSM negotiation, it can feel forced or awkward at first. You might not be sure what to say or how to communicate your needs. If so, these tools should help you.

BDSM Negotiation Tool #1: A Comprehensive Yes/No/Maybe List

A Yes/No/Maybe list is a worksheet listing various kinky activities on which you can indicate whether you’re a yes, a no, or a maybe for engaging in each activity.There are hundreds of variations of the Yes/No/Maybe list available online. I like this one, which is pretty thorough and includes spaces to indicate your experience and level of interest.

You can either go through the together with your partner or prospective partner, or complete them separately and then swap lists to compare. Either way it’s a brilliant tool to get discussion flowing, figure out what kinks you have in common, and maybe discover some activities you didn’t know existed. (Ask me how I learned what “figging” and “rimming” are back in the day.)

BDSM Negotiation Tool #2: Pervocracy’s Concise Kink Worksheet

Yes/No/Maybe lists are great, but the good ones are also long. That’s why Cliff Pervocracy (one of the OG sex bloggers!) put together this “Concise Kink Worksheet“.

When you’ve established you have some compatible kinks and are wanting to get down to playtime, this sheet suggests some essential talking points to help you establish desires, limits, health and safety precautions, and what you want to get out of a scene.

BDSM Negotiation Tool #3: A BDSM Test

A BDSM test is an online quiz that asks you a series of questions to determine what kinky archetypes or roles you might be drawn to. I like this one from Fetish.com. If you’re not sure where to start, why not complete a quiz like this one and ask your partner to do the same, then compare your results and talk about what they mean for your kinky connection?

Remember not to take your results too seriously. It’s a guide, not a command. If the quiz tells you you’re a Mommy Domme but you identify more as a Mistress with a nurturing streak, that’s fine! If the quiz says you’re a masochist but you prefer the term “bottom”, you get to choose the terminology that works for you.

BDSM Negotiation Tool #4: Erotic Content

If you like to consume kinky content such as ethical porn, audio porn, or written erotica, it can be a great starting point for your negotiations. Consume content together with your partner if you’re comfortable with that, talking about what appeals to you and what doesn’t. If you can’t or don’t want to do this together, consider sending each other clips or links that do it for you and use them as a jumping-off point.

Remember, of course, that porn is not reality. Real-life BDSM is unlikely to look exactly like a beautifully-shot professional scene or play out exactly like your favourite erotic story. Erotic content is entertainment, not education. But it can still inspire you, give you ideas, and spark conversations that can help with your BDSM negotiation process.

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