Tag: advice for submissives

Close up of a gold heart-shape pendant. Text reads: what is a day collar?

What is a Day Collar, Why Might You Wear One, and Where Can You Get One?

Published on by Amy

In a kinky or BDSM relationship, collars can have all kinds of meanings. They can be akin to an engagement or wedding ring, a symbol of commitment, a signal to other members of the BDSM community, or simply a tool or fashion accessory. However, traditional collars also tend to be quite… well, obvious. If you want to wear a reminder of your kinky relationship without alerting the whole world, a day collar might be the answer. But what is a day collar, what do they mean, and where can you get one?

What is a Day Collar?

Subtle BDSM wrist cuffs in gold, rose gold, silver, and black. Black bracelet is engraved with words "good girl"

In short, a day collar is a collar that can be worn discreetly in settings where a traditional BDSM collar wouldn’t be appropriate, from the workplace to Christmas dinner with the extended family.

Day collars vary significantly in terms of how “obvious” or subtle they are. O rings, triskelions, heart motifs, and the eternity symbol are popular choices you might see. Some might have words or symbols engraved. Others are completely indistinguishable from ordinary jewellery.

Day collars can be worn in addition to or instead of a more traditional BDSM collar.

Creative Day Collar Ideas: When a Collar Isn’t a Collar

BDSM silver ring with inlaid diamonds. Internal engraving reads "nothing is impossible," external engraving reads "good girl"

While necklaces and items worn around the neck are most traditional, your day collar needn’t be a collar or piece of neckwear at all. In a past D/s relationship, mine was a bracelet. I’ve know people who have rings, anklets, wrist cuffs, watches, items of clothing or underwear, or even “tokens” that they carry with them rather than wear.

Remember: there are no rules to any of this. What matters is that you choose something that feels personal to you, appropriate for your relationship, and practical for your lifestyle.

To Lock or Not to Lock?

Subtle BDSM day collar with kitten pendant in silver

Something that appeals to a lot of kinksters about collars is the idea of something that the submissive cannot remove by themself. There are countless lockable day collars on the market. Having your partner lock your collar around your neck (or wrist, or ankle) and not being able to remove it can feen sensual, sexy, and deeply intimate. This option won’t be practical for everyone, and you may want to skip a lockable collar if you regularly need to take all your jewellery off (if you work in medicine, for example, or have to go through airport security regularly.)

A quick word of caution: if you choose a locking collar, always make sure the wearer has access to a spare key in case of emergencies.

Negotiating What Your Day Collar Means

In BDSM as in any relationship, things tend to get messy when people don’t communicate clearly. If you’re thinking of introducing any kind of collar to your relationship, have a frank and open conversation with your partner about what it means.

Do you agree on what it symbolises, what (if any) rules and expectations are in place when it’s being worn, and any rules or protocols around when it may or may not be removed?

Regardless of whether you’re dominant, submissive, or switchy in your kinky relationship, I never recommend springing a collar on someone. People have very different ideas about what they do and don’t mean. Instead, bring up the subject of collaring in a low-pressure way and talk about what it means to you. If you and your partner agree that you want to introduce a collar and have established some guidelines on its meaning and role in your relationship, go shopping together for something you’ll both love.

Think & Kink: Purveyors of Beautiful and Unique BDSM Jewellery

BDSM day collar in stainless steel with gold and silver heart pendants

I’ve recently partnered with Think & Kink, a provider of gorgeous and unique day collars, BDSM jewellery, and other kinky accessories. They offer chokers, necklaces, lockable day collars, bracelets, anklets, rings, and more. Many of their items are also engraveable, so you can get them customised with your pet name, term of endearment, collaring date, or any other message that is meaningful to you.

Think & Kink allowed me to choose any piece from the site, and after a lot of deliberation I chose this dual heart mixed metals choker. This one called to me for a couple of reasons. First, hearts play a pretty key role in my personal style (#lovecore amirite?). I just love them. Secondly, as a polyamorous submissive with two loves and two dominants, the dual-heart design really spoke to me and seemed like a sweet way to honour both my relationships in my subtly kinky accessories.

They were also kind enough to send me a piece to gift to one lucky reader, so keep your eyes open for how to enter the giveaway – details coming soon!

This post was brought to you in collaboration with Think & Kink. Affiliate links appear in this post and you can get 15% off any order with code AMY15 at checkout. All images by Think & Kink.

Image featuring a VVD Rider Desire sex machine, a popular Sybian alternative. Text reads: 5 fun ways to use a ride-on sex machine

5 Fun Ways to Use a Ride-On Sex Machine

Published on by Amy

A ride-on sex machine like the Rider Desire Sex Saddle I reviewed last week, as well as pricier alternatives such as the Sybian and Cowgirl, is the ultimate wishlist sex toy for a lot of people. They’re certainly unique, offering a kind of stimulation and intensity it can be hard to replicate in other ways. Having been lucky enough to try a couple of different ones and now to own one… let’s talk about them!

What is a Ride-On Sex Machine?

In short, it’s a vibrating toy that you mount or straddle and then thrust or grind against. Most have some kind of interchangeable attachments, most often penetrative toys. Some, like the Rider Desire, can also be used without attachments if clitoral or other external stimulation is more your jam.

(By the way: ride-on sex machines aren’t only for people with vulvas! Anyone who enjoys anal penetration can also use one, regardless of gender or genitals. Some also come with attachments specifically for penises!)

Historically, most ride-on sex machines (such as the Sybian and its alternatives) have been mains-powered. However, rechargeable and cordless versions are now becoming increasingly available, too.

Why Do People Like Them?

As with anything: all kinds of reasons!

As anyone who has ever masturbated by humping their pillow will know, grinding on something can be an intensely pleasurable sensation. A ride-on sex machine kicks that sensation up several notches.

Some people also enjoy the kneeling or straddling position a sex machine offers. For some it will be more comfortable or physically accessible than other positions, while some enjoy the way it mimics the feeling of riding a partner in the so-called “cowgirl” position. The rocking and grinding motion you can get with a saddle sex machine is also more pleasurable than the thrusting motion offered by handheld dildos or traditional “fucking machines” for a lot of users.

Then there’s the kinky potential a ride-on sex machine offers, if you’re into that kind of thing.

5 Fun Ways to Use a Ride-On Sex Machine

If all you ever want to do with your sex machine is ride it and get off, that’s fabulous! Have the best time. But if you’re looking for some additional ideas, here are a few suggestions for fun things you might want to try out with your ride-on sex machine.

Experiment with Different Positions

The “classic” way to use a ride-on sex machine is, of course, the straddling position. But you can get as creative as you like! As always, the only correct way to do it is the way that feels good to you.

Floor hurting your knees? Try putting the machine on the bed or protecting your knees with cushions. Straddling position uncomfortable for your hips or back? Try a seated position with the toy between your legs instead. Lying down with the toy underneath you and grinding against it that way is another option. Does riding it “backwards” feel better for your body?

Experiment and see what feels good. There are no rules here.

Give (or Take) Control with a Partner

Many ride-on sex machines, including the Sybian and alternatives such as the Rider Desire, come with a remote control. This isn’t just a convenient way to control the toy without needing to fiddle with manual buttons. You can also use it to hand over control to a partner.

If you’re submissively inclined, you might enjoy your partner taking over and controlling your experience, allowing you to get completely into the moment and just feel the sensations. If you’re more dominant, why not make your submissive partner watch you get off with your machine, changing the settings or speed on your command?

Play with Forced Orgasms

In the context of kink and BDSM, a forced orgasm is a kind of kinky game where the submissive partner is “made” to orgasm while trying not to, sometimes just once and sometimes over and over.

Of course, the term “forced” is a misnomer. As with everything in sex, kink, and BDSM, this must only be done with explicit, enthusiastic consent and it is essential to have a safeword or other way the receiving partner can tap out at any time.

A ride-on sex machine can be a great way to experiment with forced orgasm play as the stimulation is intense and relentless by design. If you want to up the intensity even further, consider experimenting with combining your sex machine with bondage or restraint.

Try to Do Something Else While You Ride

Anyone else remember those kinky video clips of someone trying to read aloud while someone went down on them? You can adapt this concept for use with your ride-on sex machine. Try reading aloud, reciting lines, or performing a memory task while you ride the toy and gradually increase the intensity, and see how long you can last.

This is particularly fun if you combine it with power exchange. Perhaps the submissive partner gets punished when they make a mistake?

Combine Your Ride-On Sex Machine with Other Toys

I already said in my review that my favourite way to use the VVD Rider Desire ride-on sex machine is to use it without any of the internal attachments it comes with. As more of a clitoral stimulation gal than a penetration lover, that’s just what feels best to me.

Absolute gamechanger, though? Pairing the Rider Desire with one of my Grind Pads. You get the powerful vibrations of the Rider Desire combined with the textured stimulation of the grinder.

This works best with a grinder that comes with straps, as these will hold it in place on top of the machine no matter how vigorously you grind.

This post was sponsored by VVD and their Rider Desire ride-on sex machine, an affordable Cowgirl or Sybian alternative. All writing and views, as ever, are mine. Header image by VVD.

Header image for a post on how to vet a Dom

How to Vet a Dom Before You Play

Published on by Amy2 Comments

I meet a lot of new and curious submissives through this blog and events in my local kink community. The question they ask me most often? How to find a Dom. But finding someone is just the first step. It’s also essential to understand how to vet a Dom before you play with them or begin any kind of kinky relationship. Vetting is a process of getting to know someone and establishing that they are who they say they are and that they’re safe to date or do BDSM play with.

How to Vet a Dom: 5 Ways

The kink community is not a utopia. It consists of people. Some of those people will be wonderful, others will be awful, and most will be somewhere between those two extremes. Submitting to someone, sexually or in a kink scene, is vulnerable and requires a lot of trust. That’s why vetting is essential; it allows you to understand who someone really is before you get too invested in a romantic, sexual, or BDSM relationship.

Always Meet in a Public Place First When You’re Vetting a Potential BDSM Partner

If you’re meeting someone in person for the first time (say, if you’ve met them online) then always have your first meeting in a public place like a bar, restaurant, or coffee shop. Even if you’ve met at an event such as a BDSM munch or rope bondage workshop, having a date in a public place the first time you meet one-to-one is a good idea.

This lets you get to know them as a person in a safe and low-pressure environment. It also ensures you can leave relatively easily and have other people around if things go sideways.

If a prospective Dom balks at meeting in public, that’s a glaring red flag in a kinky relationship. It can indicate anything from not wanting to be seen in public because they’re cheating on a spouse to wanting to get you alone so they can cause you harm.

Ask for References to Help You Vet a Dom

If your prospective Dominant has been in the kink community for a while, others will know them and probably have an opinion on them. Try asking some regulars in your local scene to see what they can tell you about this person. If in doubt, the organiser of a munch they attend regularly is a good place to start.

When vetting, it’s best to get a range of opinions if you can. One person’s view can be clouded either positively or negatively, but patterns of data are far more useful. Of course, if you hear anything really damning (such as that the person has a history of behaving abusively), pay very close attention to that.

Kinksters are used to people vetting potential Doms (and submissives) and generally support it. Your local community leaders won’t think it’s weird if you say “hey, I’m thinking of playing with X and I wondered if you have any insight on what they’re like as a person or a player?”

Pay Attention to Small Signs

When you’re trying to vet a Dom, one of the best things you can do is simply pay attention. If you look closely, you can learn a lot about a person from the ways they interact with you, other people, and the world around them. Remember that a BDSM relationship is still a relationship first and foremost.

For example, do they generally speak to others at the munch with respect and courtesy, or do they assume that all submissives are fair game to be degraded and spoken down to? If you go out for coffee or a meal, how do they treat the waitstaff? Do they have hobbies, interests, and friends that they can talk about? Do they seek consent as a matter of course (for example, by asking before touching or hugging you for the first time?)

Here’s a useful BDSM vetting trick a friend taught me: set a small boundary early on. This can be anything from “I’m not comfortable with pet names” to “I have to leave by six to get to work.” Do they respect and honour it? How a Dominant responds to a clearly stated boundary tells you an enormous amount about them and how they’ll treat you if you continue in a relationship.

Introduce a Prospective Dom to Your Friends and Ask Them to Help You Vet Them

Friends can sometimes spot things that we’re oblivious to when we have a crush on someone (or are deep in sub frenzy). If you’re not sure how to vet a Dom or if your perceptions are accurate, introduce them some of your trusted friends when you can. Don’t be afraid to ask your friends for their honest opinions. And then listen to them!

I’ve had friends introduce me to their new partner or prospective partner and immediately had a feeling of “urgh, no, there’s something off about this person”, even if I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what the problem was. I call this sense The Vibes and it’s accurate a shocking percentage of the time. Other times, I’ve thought how happy and relaxed my friend seems around their new sweetie.

Play At An Event First

So you’ve vetted your potential Dom, they seem okay and you’re wanting to get kinky. My recommendation at this stage? Play at an event first. Not everyone likes events or has access to them due to finances or geography. But if this is an option for you, it can be safer to wplay with a new Dom for the first time at a kink party.

Reputable kinky play events usually have staff, such as organisers and Dungeon Monitors (DMs), who will keep an eye on what’s happening and step in if necessary. For example, many events have “house safewords” but in practice, a DM will pay attention to anything that sounds like a withdrawal of consent. Playing at a party means that, even if you’re in a vulnerable position such as being restrained, you’ll have someone looking out for you.

Remember: People Can Still Fool You

Unfortunately, some people are good at seeming affable and safe while being anything but. You might learn how to vet a Dom and do everything you reasonably can, but still end up hurt. Regardless of what vetting precautions you did or didn’t take, if another person chooses to harm you the fault is theirs. You are not to blame.

Vetting is ultimately one tool that helps to keep us safe in BDSM. It’s far from perfect, and it works best alongside other tools such as robust negotiation, mutual community care, and scene safeguarding. Even so, it’s one of the most powerful ways you have at your disposal to reduce your risk.

Two people kissing and holding, their faces unseen. Header for a post on the physical touch love language

The Kinky Love Languages: Physical Touch

Published on by Amy

It’s time for the penultimate “Kinky Love Languages” post, in which I explore the five love languages and ways that they can relate to kinky relationships. Today we’re exploring some physical touch love language ideas and how you can make this language work for you.

What is the Physical Touch Love Language?

When people think of the love language of physical touch, they often think of sex first. And, yes, sex is part of this language for many people. But it’s far from the only part. A person whose love language is physical touch is likely to value things like cuddling, holding hands, hugs, and kisses. Even small gestures like an arm around their shoulder as you watch TV or a gentle, affectionate touch as you pass each other can mean a lot.

By the way: people who are asexual, including sex-repulsed aces, can still have this love language. There are so many amazing forms of non sexual touch to explore.

Physical Touch Love Language Ideas for Submissive Partners

A submissive who speaks the love language of touch is likely to place high value on the physical aspects of BDSM. Think the thud of a flogger across their back, the feeling of rope tightening against their skin, the raw intimacy of a spanking, the feeling of your hand in their hair, or the sensation of your teeth nibbling their neck.

If your submissive speaks this love language, it’s more important than ever to make plenty of time for close, physical, and intimate kinky play.

For a submissive who experiences love through physicality, the touch of their Dominant can be its own reward. Caress their cheek when you tell them you’re pleased with them. Give them a few swats on the ass before bed. Stroke their hair. If you want to reinforce certain behaviours or just make your submissive feel loved, give them plenty of physical affection. Touch them lovingly, easily, and often.

When you’re out in public or at a party, gestures that keep them physically close—holding their hand, putting an arm around them, or placing your hand on the small of their back—can make them feel treasured.

Think about physical body positions, too. Some subs who enjoy physical touch may also enjoy things like submissive postures, being human furniture, or sitting at your feet.

Many submissives want to feel taken care of by a Dominant. You can incorporate physical touch into the ways you care for your sub by, for example, washing or brushing their hair, helping them with personal care activities like shaving, or even feeding them from your hand.

Doms Like Cuddles, Too! Physical Touch Ideas for Dominants

People tend to forget that most Dominants like hugs and cuddles just as much as anyone else. For Dominants whose love language is physical touch, submissive partners have so many opportunities to incorporate this into submission or service.

Again, the physical side of kink is likely to be hugely important to your Dominant if this is their love language. So make time for kinky play, prioritise it in your schedule, and do your best to stick to any play dates you arrange. A Dominant who loves physical touch is unlikely to be comfortable functioning as a “service Top” (someone who takes on a Dominant role primarily to pleasure their partner) most or all of the time. Make sure their physical needs and desires are met in your scenes as well.

While sex and kinky play can play a key role in speaking this love language, non sexual touch and general physical affection are just as important.

Learning to give a really good back massage or foot rub can be a wonderful gift for your Dominant who loves physical touch. You could also include physical closeness by doing intimate and body-based tasks for them such as painting their nails, styling their hair, shaving their legs, or washing their back.

There are also many ways to demonstrate loving submission through physical affection. Try laying your head on their lap or shoulder, curling up close to them on the couch so they can pet you, or kissing whichever parts of their body they like to have kissed.

Things to Remember No Matter Your Role

Physical intimacy can look so many different ways, and it’s slightly different for every relationship. If you or your partner speaks the physical touch love language, prioritising sex and kinky play might well be important to you. It’s also important to make plenty of time and space for cuddles, kissing, holding hands, non sexual touch, and the kind of easy physical closeness that can come in a long-term relationship.

Physical touch is probably the hardest love language to meet if you’re in a long distance relationship. There are still things you can do if you get creative. Give your partner a soft toy to hug. Give them a shirt that smells like you to sleep with. Invest in some really good app-controlled sex toys so you can touch them sexually by proxy. But realistically, if one or both of you feels strongly connected to the love language of physical touch, you’re going to need to make an effort to see each other in person as often as you can.

Gay couple pressing their foreheads together, for a post about the quality time love language, kinky date ideas and ways to bring this love language into a kinky relationship

The Kinky Love Languages: Quality Time

Published on by Amy

This is the third in a series of five posts covering the five love languages as applied to kink and BDSM. If you don’t know your love language, take the quiz linked above to find out! Today we’re talking the love language of “quality time”, with some kinky date ideas and other ways to make the most of this love language in your D/s relationship.

What is the Quality Time Love Language?

A person whose love language is quality time is all about spending meaningful, connective time with the people they love. Sounds easy enough, right? But in long term relationships, and particularly nesting relationships, quality time often gives way to “we’re just generally around each other a lot.”

Scrolling on your phones at opposite ends of the couch without talking is not quality time.

Quality time can be particularly hard in a long distance relationship. People who work long hours, have children, are disabled or chronically ill, or have a limited income may also experience unique challenges with this love language.

Kinky Date Ideas and More for Submissives Who Love Quality Time

For many submissives, the greatest gift is their Dominant’s undivided time and attention. Focused quality time shows your submissive that they are wanted, valued, and loved.

If your submissive loves quality time, a kinky date night is always a great idea. This might mean staying in and getting your kink on in your bedroom, or it might mean taking them out to a fetish club, kinky event, or play party.

You can also kink up a regular date night. For example, you could order your submissive to wear a butt plug throughout the movie or edge three times before you take them out to dinner.

Not all your quality time together has to be active play time, of course. Even in a D/s relationship, snuggling on the couch is lovely. Non-scene connective time can show your submissive that you love them as a person and partner, not just as a kinky plaything.

Ritual, Routine and Quality Time

Rituals and routines can be comforting and connective for many people who value quality time highly, and particularly for many submissives. They provide consistency and a reliable point of connection at regular intervals where your attention is on each other.

Rituals can be simple or elaborate. They can be seemingly-mundane (“make my coffee for me the way I like it, then sit with me quietly while I drink it”) or have a play element to them. I know of one D/s couple who started each day with the Dominant choosing the submissive’s underwear for the day. Spankings before bed are another common and fun choice.

Connective routines can be as simple as watching an episode of your favourite TV show together each evening ot setting aside Friday nights to be your glass-of-wine-and-debrief-of-the-week time.

Kinky Date Ideas and More for Dominants Who Love Quality Time

If you’re a submissive, it can be tempting to think that all you need to do to make a Dominant happy is show up and get your ass beaten. This might work at first but it’s unlikely to lead to a happy long-term relationship, particularly if your Dominant’s love language is quality time.

Many people assume that date planning is the Dominant’s responsibility in a kinky relationship, but this doesn’t have to be the case. Many D-types love to be wooed and are seriously impressed when a submissive comes up with new kinky date ideas, surprises them with a spontaneous adventure, or goes above and beyond to make them feel loved.

If your Dominant likes surprises, tell them you’re taking them on an adventure. If necessary, give them some bare-bones information on what to wear or pack, then do all the planning to make something cool happen for the two of you. You can easily view making plans that will make their eyes light up as an act of service. If they’re not a fan of surprises, ask their permission to treat them to a date night/day/weekend doing any activity they want to do.

Another possibility for your Dominant is to give them the gift of you, completely available with no interruptions, for a period of time to have their kinky fun with. “I sent the kids to a babysitter, my phone is off, dinner is taken care of... and I’m all yours for the whole night!” What a yummy and wonderful gift.

Quality Time in a Kinky Relationship: Tips for Everyone

Regardless of dynamic and role, quality time is key to all relationships. This is especially true if it’s one of your main love languages. Whether you’re a Dominant or a submissive, the best gift you can give to a partner with this love language is an evening, day, or weekend of your undivided attention. Time where you can relax, do fun things together, and enjoy being in each other’s company are crucial. If you don’t live together, this can include remote time.

Planning quality time is also a part of this love language. This might be coming up with kinky date ideas together, sexting about all the things you’re going to do next time you have chance to play, or looking at travel guides together to decide where you want to go on holiday. Having plans to look forward to can be an amazing boost for your relationship and can make people with the quality time love language feel loved and seen.

What NOT To Do

If your partner’s love language is quality time, being consistent and reliable is essential. Emergencies happen occasionally, of course, but being flaky or cancelling plans is just about the worst thing you can do to someone with this love language.

Make plans and stick to them.

If you’re enjoying this series, you can show your appreciation by buying me a coffee.

A wrapped present. For a post on the love language of giving and receiving gifts

The Kinky Love Languages: Giving & Receiving Gifts

Published on by Amy1 Comment

I started this series months ago and promptly forgot to finish it. But we’re back and today we’re talking the love language of gifts, and specifically gifts for your Dominant or submissive. Let’s go!

If you don’t know your love language yet, take the quiz to find out. The love languages model is deeply flawed and incomplete, but a useful starting point for thinking about how you like to give and receive love.

A content warning that this post discusses spending money, so if that’s difficult or stressful for you please feel free to skip this one. I have tried to be mindful of different budgets and provide a range of options.

What the “Giving and Receiving Gifts” Love Language Means (and Doesn’t)

Giving and receiving gifts is often looked down upon compared to the other four options in the basic “five love languages” framework (words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch.) Those who feel an affinity with this method of showing and receiving love tend to be viewed as materialistic, shallow, or having a tendency to throw money at a relationship in lieu of actually making an effort.

However, I believe that is unfair.

The people I’ve spoken to for whom giving and receiving gifts is a primary love language take care to point out that it’s not about the money spent or the financial value of the gift. Instead, it’s about the love and affection that goes into picking out the perfect thing for your partner.

The “gifts” in this context do not have to be big, expensive, extravagant presents. In most cases, they probably shouldn’t be. This love language is about paying attention to the things your partner loves or what they need, and giving them things that reflect that care and attention. Gifts for your Dominant or submissive can be as simple as getting their favourite brand of tea before they sleep over, bringing them a bar of chocolate after a bad day, or picking up a cute trinket you saw for £1 because it made you think of them.

So how can this one relate to kinky dynamics?

Gifts for a Submissive: How to Love a Sub with This Love Language

In my experience, very often what submissives want more than anything is to feel truly seen and known by their Dominants. Another thing that is very often important to submissives is to feel taken care of. The love language of gifts gives you, as a Dominant, tonnes of opportunity to provide for these basic and important needs.

So pay attention to what your submissive likes! Listen for cues, watch the things they lust after or buy for themselves. Take note of things like any favourite colours, foods, hobbies or artists. That way, when you’re looking for gifts for a submissive partner, for a special occasion or “just because,” you can get them something really perfect.

Is your submissive always working hard and barely taking time for themselves? You could give them a gift which says “I’m giving you permission to relax.” A nice bath bomb or the latest issue of their favourite magazine? Perhaps the heating in their apartment is wonky, so you buy them a big snuggly blanket to keep them warm on cold days. Have they been wanting to write more? A beautiful notebook might be the perfect present.

Sexy gifts such as sex toys can also be a great option, if your relationship includes sex! Why not surprise your submissive with a new vibrator, masturbator, or a dildo in their favourite colour? They’ll think of you fondly every time they use it.

Making It Meaningful to the Two of You

Finally, consider the meaning of gifts that signify your relationship and importance to each other. You’ll need to negotiate its meaning fully, and I don’t advocate springing this on someone without discussion, but for many submissives, their collar will be the most precious gift they ever receive. If that’s not right for your relationship (or they already have one,) then other gift options for a submissive might be a special piece of jewellery, a harness, some beautiful underwear, or even a kink toy that is only for the two of you to use together.

Gifts for Your Dominant: How to Love a Dom with This Love Language

A good way to think of this is to frame the idea of giving the perfect gifts to your Dominant as an act of service. Many Doms love the idea of a submissive who pays attention and can anticipate their needs. Notice what their favourite snacks are and make sure you have them in. Bring them a coffee when you meet them at the end of a long day. Stressed out Dom? Buy massage oil or a massage candle and read up on how to give a relaxing back rub.

As with any other partner, keep notes on their favourite things and use this knowledge to guide your gift-giving.

A way to take this a step further, if you’re so inclined, is to make it your mission to seek out something special for them that they haven’t been able to get. Is there a book they really want that’s out of print, a game that’s no longer made, or a limited edition version of something that would make their eyes light up? If you have the chance, making an extra effort in this way can be a profound show of both love and service.

Kinking It Up a Step Further

Kinky toys and tools are absolutely ideal gifts to give Dominants, too. Pay attention to what things they pick up and admire when you go to the fetish market together, or what things they’ve mentioned they really want to try. File this information away for later then, when you have occasion to give them a gift, you can surprise them with something that they’ll get endless joy out of using (on you, naturally.) Have you ever given a sadist a new whip as a present? I recommend it.

And kinky presents don’t have to stop at physical things. What about a ticket to a kink event you’ve been wanting to go to together, or a course of lessons in rope, whip technique, or some other skill they’ve been wanting to learn?

If you wish, you could even turn giving gifts to your Dominant into a kinky thing in and of itself. I am far from an expert in “financial Domination,” and it’s something I encourage you to be extremely careful with and set firm limits around… but if the idea of showering your Dom with gifts and treats as part of your submission, or pretending you are being “made” to do it, gets you off then this can be a fun thing to play with. The inimitable Girl on the Net wrote about one perspective on financial domination here and here.

Some More Tips That Work for Anyone

At the end of the day, most people love to receive the kinds of gifts that show thought, consideration, and a true knowledge of who they are. Regardless of whether you’re kinky or vanilla, a Dom or a sub or something else, you can show love to your partner by giving them the occasional well-considered, well-timed gift.

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, consider gifts that help your partner feel connected to you. This could be as simple as sneaking a shirt that smells like you into their luggage before they leave, or as elaborate as buying them a fancy app-controlled sex toy for use during your sexting sessions.

Homemade gifts are almost always wonderful. So if you have a talent, use it! I own two paintings and several pieces of jewellery made for me by my partner The Artist, and I absolutely cherish these things. I’ve made everything from chocolate chip cookies to knitted items for loved ones, and they’ve always gone down well.

Finally, gifts don’t have to be physical items! Something I treasure immensely is when a partner gives me a gift of an experience for us to do together. This could be buying dinner at their favourite restaurant, going to see a show together, or almost anything that they’ll love doing and love doing with you. Something that’s both a physical item and an experience, such as a date night kit or couples’ chocolate set, can work particularly well for anyone who sits at the intersection of “receiving gifts” and “quality time” in their love languages.

Looking for some inspiration? Check out my list of sexy gift ideas to get inspired.

Affiliate links appear in this post.

How to use Fetlife header image for a listicle on getting the most out of the kinky networking and kinky dating site

Ten Tips for Getting the Most Out of Fetlife

Published on by Amy7 Comments

Love it or hate it (and honestly, these days I mostly hate it), Fetlife is still the absolute number one place to be on the internet if you’re a kinky person who wants to interact with the BDSM and fetish community outside of your bedroom. The “Facebook of kink” can be a wonderful place to network and grow community, or it can be a complete cesspit. It’s not a dating site, but Fetlife can also be a great place to connect with potential kinky partners. Here are ten of my top tips on how to use Fetlife to its best.

Fill Out Your Profile

It’s hard to use Fetlife to build a community or make connections if your profile isn’t filled out. You don’t need to write an essay, but “I dunno, ask me” or “I hate talking about myself” do not constitute a good profile.

Tell us whatever it is about yourself you’re happy to share. If you’re stuck for ideas, try this:

  • How long have you been in the community or identified as kinky?
  • What does kink mean to you?
  • What do your relationship(s) look like, if applicable?
  • What are you looking for?
  • What are your hobbies and interests outside of kink?

Choose Your Role Carefully

There are tonnes of different role options you can choose from, and you can now list up to five on your profile at a time.

There’s the ubiquitous Dominant, Submissive, and Switch, of course. But you can also be a Kinkster, a Hedonist, a Pet, a Brat or Brat Tamer, a Daddy or Mommy, and many more. The ever-increasing list of roles gets ever more niche as well as including humorous options like “Fairy Kink Mother.”

Choose the role(s) that most apply to you, and consider saying something in your profile about what your identifiers mean to you. Remember you can always change your roles, too, so don’t be afraid to swap things around as you gain experience and change as a kinkster. This is normal.

Consider Your Location

There’s a running joke amongst long-time Fetlife users that there are more kinksters in Antarctica than people. This is because so many Fetlife users put “Antarctica” as their location to avoid revealing where they really live.

If you need to conceal your location, I’m absolutely not judging. Please do what you need to do in order to be safe!

But if you safely can, consider using at least your general area like your country, state, or nearest major city. This makes it easier to connect with people who live near to you and also means you’ll get event recommendations based on your location. (Not many dungeon parties in Antarctica, funnily enough!)

Say What You’re Looking For on Fetlife

In your profile header, you can tick all the “What I’m Looking For” options that apply to you. Options include everything from a lifetime relationship to events, friendship, and more. You can select as many as you want.

Carefully consider what you’re looking for, be honest, and elaborate in your profile if you can. If you say you’re looking for a romantic or kinky partner, it’s particularly important to indicate what sorts of people and dynamics you’re open to.

Don’t Try to Use Fetlife Solely as a Dating App

Fetlife is not primarily a dating site. It’s not a bad place to start if your eventual goal is to find a Dom, sub, or kinky partner, but using it as your personal hunting ground or as an alternative to Tinder or Feeld will piss people off really fast.

If you’re new to BDSM or just to the public kink scene, you need kinky friends before you need dates or play partners. Focus on getting out there, learning, building connections, and making friends. The rest will fall into place.

Read Profiles Before Messaging

I really cannot emphasise this enough: please read someone’s entire profile, and pay attention to it, before messaging them. Nothing is more annoying than people who clearly haven’t read my profile and slide into my inbox pushing their fantasies anyway.

Some people only want to be contacted by folks of certain genders, ages, geographical locations, or kink identities. Some are open to dating or meeting play partners on Fetlife, others are not. Respect these boundaries; you are not the exception.

Message Respectfully

So you’ve read someone’s profile. They’ve sparked your interest enough that you want to make a connection. You’ve established that messaging them won’t contravene any stated boundaries. Now what?

The first message can make or break things. Don’t open with sexual content. Yes, it’s a fetish site, but there are human beings on the other end of your message and they have better things to do than provide you with free masturbation fodder.

Don’t make demands, don’t make assumptions about roles or identities, and don’t assert a kinky dynamic where none exists. Subs, this applies to you, too! Calling someone “Mistress” or “Daddy” without consent is just as wrong as calling someone “slave” or “slut” without consent.

Do at least a cursory check of your spelling and grammar. Keep it brief. Don’t ask to meet straight away. Just be a friendly, normal, respectful person.

Join Fetlife Groups (But Read the Rules)

There are literally thousands of groups on Fetlife. Groups operate as discussion forums based around specific topics.

Many are for those interested in specific kinks or fetishes. Some are for people looking for dating opportunities on Fetlife. Others are based around a specific geographical location or a specific event. Some are for folks with a certain identity, such as queer and trans kinksters. There are even non-kinky groups where you can just discuss a topic of mutual interest. Pick a few interests, join some groups, and start engaging positively in discussions.

All groups have rules governing the kind of content that is allowed in them. Many, for example, will specify “no personal ads” (cruising for dates/play) or “no advertising” (commercial/business content or advertising your event,.) Some are also reserved for a certain demographic, such as under 35s, women, or LGBTQ folks.

Disregarding group rules is likely to get your posts deleted and may even get you kicked or banned from groups. It also wastes moderators’ time, annoys group members, and makes you look like an asshole. Read the rules and follow them. If someone corrects you for an accidental rule breach you made in good faith, apologise and don’t repeat the mistake.

The Kinky and Popular page highlights posts, photos, videos and writings which have garnered a lot of attention in a short space of time. No-one is 100% clear how the algorithm works (Fetlife isn’t exactly famed for its transparency) but that’s the gist of it.

The problem with K&P is that it tends to adhere to a very narrow version of what kink is and an even narrower version of beauty standards, particularly for women. I avoid K&P entirely now because it makes me feel shitty about myself and my body.

Kink isn’t a popularity contest and in my view, this page is the antithesis of what the community is really about.

Reach Out to Community Leaders and Prominent Figures

If you’re struggling to make connections or feeling nervous about going along to events, reach out to someone who seems like they’re a leader, event organiser, or prominent and respected person in your local community. Simply explain that you’re new, let them know what you’ve done so far to get involved with the scene (if anything), and ask if they’d be willing to be a friendly face at an upcoming munch or event.

Community leaders become community leaders because they love helping people and helping the scene to thrive. Reach out. Be polite and friendly, be respectful of their time, and be specific if you can in what you’re asking and you’re far more likely to get a good response.

Young woman wearing a pink BDSM collar and pink leather handcuffs

11 Things a Collar Can Mean (But Doesn’t Have To)

Published on by Amy

What is the meaning of a collar in BDSM? Ask ten BDSM enthusiasts what collaring means to them and you’ll get 20 different answers. Not all kinksters use collars in their play or D/s relationships. Amongst those who do, they can have vastly different meanings depending on context and the people involved.

A simple band around the neck can take on many different significances and be worn in many different ways. As with anything in BDSM, Here are some I thought of, though I am sure there are many more.

A Lifetime Commitment: Collaring as a BDSM Marriage

Some kinksters view their collar as akin to a wedding ring. They may or may not also be legally married to their partner, and they may or may not also wear a traditional wedding ring, but they view their collar as the outward symbol of their lifetime commitment to a BDSM relationship.

Some couples choose to formalise their collaring with a ceremony. This can be performed privately or in front of friends and loved ones.

BDSM Collar Meaning: Permanent Ownership

Some people use “owner/property” dynamics as part of their kinky relationships. In these contexts, the submissive may wear a collar as a symbol that they are the property of their partner. Some couples choose a permanent collar that cannot be removed without a key. If you go down this route, always make sure the wearer has a spare in case of an emergency.

BDSM Collar Meaning: Temporary Ownership

Not all kinksters want to be in a 24/7 or lifetime BDSM relationship, but still want to go deeply into a Dominant or submissive headspace. For these people, a collar can serve as a sign of temporary ownership, whether for the length of a scene, a day, a weekend, or longer. However, when the collar comes off or the context changes, the ownership dynamic also ends or transitions back into an equal partnership.

Self-Collaring: A BDSM Collar Meaning “I Belong to Me”

I have a collar I bought for myself. When I wear it, it’s a reminder that I am owned by no-one but myself. My body, my choices, and my heart are mine. I might choose to give them away to trusted people for short amounts of time, but they always come back to me at the end. Self-collaring can be a reminder to be true to yourself, a way to access your submissive identity when you don’t have a dominant, a reminder to take care of yourself, and so much more.

Keeping a Connection and Closeness Alive with a Collar

Perhaps you’re in a long-distance or non-nesting relationship. Maybe you just want to feel close to your partner and keep your D/s dynamic alive when you’re not physically together. Regardless of your circumstances, wearing a collar can be a great way to do this. Many couples choose a day collar for this purpose, which can symbolise your relationship without raising any eyebrows in public.

Collars of Consideration or Training

Some people who practice formal BDSM relationships follow a series of steps leading up to permanent collaring. During this process, the submissive may wear a “training collar” or “collar of consideration” for a period of time before receiving their permanent collar. As with anything in a BDSM dynamic, negotiate the meaning of each collar clearly with your partner at every step of the process.

Collars as a Way of Getting Into a Headspace

Whatever your kinky headspace looks like, putting a collar on your submissive partner or having one put on you can be a “shortcut” to accessing that headspace. For people who play at events or parties, putting on the collar at the start of the night is often part of the getting-ready ritual.

Collars Signalling “Leave Me Alone, I’m Taken”

This isn’t foolproof, but I’ve found that if I’m attending a kink event unpartnered and I don’t want to be hit on, wearing a collar will significantly cut down on the unwanted attention I receive.

Because BDSM collars can have so many different meanings and not everyone is monogamous, people won’t necessarily assume that your collar means you’re unavailable. But at least some likely will. Think of it as the kinky equivalent of flashing a wedding ring when the creepy guy at the bar isn’t getting the hint.

No Deep Meaning: A Collar as a BDSM Tool

For some people, a collar is part of a scene that’s there for what it can do rather than what it means. This might mean attaching a leash to lead your submissive around a party, cuffing their hands to their collar to immobilise them, or using it to tug them in for a kiss.

Collars as Decorations or Fashion Accessories

Collars look pretty and can add a kinky twist to an outfit quickly and easily. I have one I love that was sent to me for review. It has no meaning attached to it and isn’t connected to any particular relationship. I wear it because I like how it looks.

Flagging Kinky in Public

The idea of flagging originates from the “hanky code”, which was pioneered by gay and bisexual men in the 1970s. Coloured handkerchiefs placed in certain positions are used to indicate interest in various sexual roles and practices. Flagging has come to refer more broadly to using outward symbols to subtly indicate your proclivities to other interested parties.

There are many spaces where, though they’re not kink-specific events, a lot of the participants will likely be kinky. Think adults’ LGBTQ+ community events, goth clubs, geek and sci-fi events, Renaissance Fairs, and so on. In these spaces, the meaning of a BDSM collar can be “hey, we have this thing in common!”. You might even make some new friends.

The Taboo Brighton Logo

This post was sponsored by Taboo Brighton. Taboo launched in 2003 and has established itself as a genre-defining Brighton retail experience. The store was awarded “Best Sex Shop in the UK” at the Erotic Trade Awards. It was also once described in The Guardian as the “Dolce and Gabbana of Sex Shops”. All views and writing are mine.

leg in futomomo shibari tie. Header image for 3 mini reviews of kink products

[Kink Product Review] Beginner BDSM Toys: Leather Cuffs, Hemp Rope, and Silicone Paddle

Published on by Amy

If you’re looking to explore BDSM for the first time, the sheer volume of toys and gear on the market can be overwhelming. From BDSM starter kits to custom, artisan-made toys, shopping for beginner BDSM toys can be a minefield and an expensive one at that. That’s why I’m working with The Pleasure Garden, a women-owned and 100% body-safe online sex shop, to bring you this round-up of three potential options for newcomers to kink: a set of leather cuffs, some hemp rope, and a silicone paddle. You’ll also find some quick tips on how to use them safely.

Let’s delve into the parcel, shall we?

Beginner BDSM Toys #1: Bound Noir Slim Wrist Cuffs

If you’re interested in playing with bondage and restraint, a set of good quality wrist cuffs is a great place to start. This set, made of soft and supple real leather with gold-coloured metal hardware, retail for the bargain price of £34.99.

Bound Noir black leather cuffs from a beginner BDSM toys kit

The Bound Noir Slim Wrist Cuffs come with a removable connecting chain with clips at either end, and each cuff has two D-rings. This offers plenty of opportunities for play, from securing the wearer’s hands behind their back to fastening them to a bondage bed, St. Andrew’s Cross, or other surface. They have 5 notches for an adjustable fit.

These cuffs are soft and comfortable, and the leather gets softer with use as you break them in. I’ve worn them in scene them for well over an hour, and they remained comfortable the whole time. The gold accents give an elegant feel.

Bound Noir black wrist cuffs on anonymous female hands

If you’re vegan or would prefer not to use products made from animal leather, there are many faux leather alternatives available.

Leather Wrist Cuffs Tips & Tricks

When you start playing with restraint, experiment with different positions. Not everything will be comfy for everyone. Clip your partner’s hands together behind their back, hook their arms around the bedpost, or tie their hands to something above their head. If you like attending kink parties or other play spaces, there will be all kinds of furniture to experiment with. Pair with a set of ankle cuffs for more complete restraint or a “spread-eagle” position.

Safety-wise, cuffs should be loose enough that you can slip 1-2 fingers between the cuff and the skin. Experiment with different settings and check in regularly. If the wearer experiences any numbness, tingling, or pins and needles in the hands, take the cuffs off or loosen them. Never leave a bound person alone.

Store your cuffs flat, not fastened, to keep them looking good for longer.

Beginner BDSM Toys #2: Bound to Please Hemp Bondage Rope

Ask any rope bondage practitioner about their favourite type of rope, and you’ll get wildly different but equally passionate answers. We all have our favourites. I’ve always favoured jute for its look, its feel, and the way it handles. Another popular choice is hemp. this hemp bondage rope from Bound To Please.

Hemp rope coiled from a beginner BDSM toys kit

This hemp rope retails for £12.99 for each 10 metre lengths. It is 5mm in diameter, which is my preferred rope thickness for most purposes.

The thing I love about natural fibre ropes, and hemp in particular, is the smell. Hemp rope has a distinct, sweet and woody smell smell. Natural fibres also get softer and smoother with use, as they are handled and absorb the natural oils from your skin.

Rope Tips & Tricks

Close up of part of a futomomo in hemp rope on anonymous leg
A self-tie by me

Beginners often wonder how much rope to buy, and the annoyingly vague answer is “it depends.” Factors like the size of your rope bottom and the types of ties you want to do will have an impact. If all you want to do is tie your partner to the bed for sex, a couple of lengths will be enough. For more complex formal ties, a minimum of 3 lengths will get you started.

Once you start moving beyond very basic ties, the risk involved in rope bondage increases. Suspension looks cool and can be great fun, but it is also very dangerous if not done properly. Take the time to become proficient in floor-based bondage before you even think about suspending or being suspended, and then learn how to do it under the guidance of an experienced rigger.

Make sure you can remove the rope quickly if you need to. EMT shears (the kind paramedics use) are a popular and safe option. Again, never leave a bound person alone.

Peer rope events, in-person or online classes, and instructional videos by reputable teachers are all great ways to learn bondage basics and not-so-basics. Don’t discount self-tying, either, which can be both fun and educational.

Beginner BDSM Toys #3: Bound to Please Silicone Paddle

The most common materials for spanking paddles are leather, faux leather, and hard plastic. I’d never used a silicone paddle before I received this one to try.

The Bound To Please Silicone Paddle measures 41cm long by 6cm wide. It is light and easy to handle, a breeze to clean and sterilise (just throw it in boiling water or use a body-safe medical wipe), and suitable for vegans.

BLack silicone paddle from a beginner BDSM toys kit

I tested this one out with my partner The Artist. To the best of my recollection, my reaction to the first few strikes was a string of profanity. A combination of the density of the silicone, textured surface, and slender design means this fucking thing hurts like hell.

Seriously, I don’t think I can really recommend a silicone paddle as a beginner BDSM toy. It is vicious.

Now to be clear, I love this paddle. But I am an experienced kinkster and have been doing impact play for well over a decade. Unless you have a high pain tolerance and a very clear idea of your body’s capabilities and limits, I cannot recommend this paddle to someone just starting out. You could get hurt or hurt your partner in a bad way if you start out with an impact toy this intense.

So what do I recommend instead? A wide, soft leather paddle or flexible layered paddle is a great beginner BDSM toy for curious impact players.

If you’re feeling brave enough to try this fucker, though, it retails for an affordable £24.99.

Silicone Paddle Tips & Tricks

Black silicone paddle in anoymous hand

Before you pick up a silicone paddle or any other impact toy, learn which areas of the body you can safely strike. Fleshy areas like the butt and backs of the thighs are low risk and enjoyable on most people. Front and inner thighs, breasts and chests, upper backs, and genitals can also be fun if you’re careful. Never strike the face, head, neck, spine, lower back, or any bony area or joint.

If you’re new to impact play, start slowly. Most people can take more impact, and will enjoy it far more, if you build up gradually. Unless you’ve negotiated it very explicitly with an experienced bottom, whacking someone at full force right out of the gate is a recipe for a bad time.

Remember that the goal of an impact play session isn’t to take or dish out as much as you possibly can. The goal is for everyone involved to have a good time.

When you’re negotiating a spanking session, get clear about what kind of scene you want and what impact play means to you. Playing with punishment is hot to some people and emotionally painful for others. Will power dynamics be involved or are you purely in it for the physical sensations? Will you be taking on a role, or playing as yourself?

Other Recommendations For Your First Toy Kit

When you’re just starting out in kink, you don’t necessarily want to spend a fortune on kit – especially before you’ve fully worked out what you like! Exactly what you prioritise spending your money on will, of course, depend on your interests. But here’s a few things I think you should consider for your basic all-purpose kink kit…

Thank you to The Pleasure Garden for sending me these items to review. Affiliate links appear in this post. All views and writing are mine.

A metal male chastity device for a penis on a black background

5 Great Reasons to Try Chastity Play

Published on by Amy

The chastity fetish is incredibly common. Broadly speaking, chastity is a form of kink play that involves abstaining from orgasm, and sometimes from any form of sexual contact, for a period of time. Some people do chastity play as part of a kinky or D/s relationship. Others engage in online play such as frequenting chastity fetish forums, having cyber-sex, or watching chastity porn. Some hire sex workers to be their keyholders. It’s also possible to do chastity play solo.

Playing with this kink might or might not include the use of a physical chastity device such as a cock cage or chastity belt. Some people play with it just for a few minutes or hours, while others do long-term and extreme chastity. The only right way to engage with chastity fetish is the way that is risk-aware and feels right for you.

So why do people like chastity? Here are five great reasons to give it a go if you’re curious.

Chastity Can Enhance Feelings of Submission or Dominance

Giving someone control over your sexual release is, in some ways, the ultimate surrender. Whether you’re handing over the keys to your chastity device to a partner or simply pledging not to touch yourself until given permission, needing someone’s permission to experience pleasure and orgasm will likely enhance how submissive you feel towards that person.

For many Dominants, having control over someone’s sexual pleasure is a tremendous power rush. Many Dominants enjoy hearing a submissive beg for release, only to deny it.

You Might Experience a Stronger Orgasm

Many chastity fetish enthusiasts say that, after a period of denial, the eventual orgasm is much stronger and more satisfying.

Think of it as a bit like taking that first bite of your favourite meal when you’re starving. Wanting and looking forward to something makes it so much better than you finally get it.

Chastity Play Keeps Your D/s Dynamic Front-of-Mind

We all have busy lives and most of us can’t live our kinky fantasy dream life 24/7. For many chastity fetish participants, it’s a great way to keep their dynamic centred in their life even when they’re doing other things.

Imagine going about your day and feeling your chastity device under your clothes, or even just remembering you’re not allowed to touch yourself no matter how horny you get. This can help you stay connected to your Dominant and your kinky self even when you’re not actively playing.

Chastity Fetish is a Great Activity for Long-Distance Relationships

For long distance BDSM couples, chastity play is one of the easier kinks to do from a distance. For example, some couples implement the rule that the submissive is always in chastity when not with the Dominant. Others like to play teasing, denial, and edging games online or on the phone while apart.

Pleasure Can Act as a Motivator: Better Living Through Your Chastity Fetish

Are you a Dominant trying to train your submissive and instill desirable behaviours or break problematic ones? Chastity can be a great motivator. Perhaps your submissive only gets to touch themselves if they drank their eight glasses of water today. Maybe you’ll only let them orgasm after they’ve got all their writing done. Or perhaps they get an extra day in the belt for every day they forget to eat breakfast.

Of course, solo kinksters can also play use chastity in this way, though you’ll need to be a little more disciplined if you’re enforcing the rules on yourself. I’m a big proponent of using kink as a tool for self-improvement, and release-as-reward is one fun way to play with this.

This post contains affiliate links.