When I tell people that I review sex toys for a living, they tend to assume that I’ve tried every type of toy known to humanity. And it’s true that I have tried a lot of different toys, from vibrators and clitoral suction toys to strokers, butt plugs, and all manner of kink paraphernalia. But even now, there’s also a lot of things I haven’t tried, either because I haven’t had the opportunity or because I just wasn’t aware until recently that they existed.
Inspired by my new friends at Veronica Play Date, here are five types of sex toys I’m hoping to try in 2023!
I first became intrigued by this one when I read a review of it by the incomparable Kate Sloan. Essentially, you attach it to the taps on your bathtub and it directs the water towards your clit or any other body part you care to position under it.
I’m not sure entirely how practical this one will be for me, for two reasons: first, my bathtub has its taps in the middle rather than at the end, which seems like it could be logistically challenging. Second, my bath has two separate taps for hot and cold, and I feel like that might make it hard to get a consistent pleasant temperature from the water.
But practical issues aside, God I want to try this! Maybe I’ll get one next time I’m staying in a hotel with a tub or something.
Ride-On Sex Machine
The answer to why I’ve never tried one of these is simple: they’re expensive as hell. For most of us, spending $2000-$4000 on a sex toy isn’t even remotely accessible, let alone one that we may or may not like. So I live in hope that I’ll get invited to a play party where there’s one of these so that I have the opportunity to try one at least once.
Combined Suction and Tongue Toy
I’ve been curious about these ever since I wrote marketing copy about one of them for a client. The Fantasy For Her Ultimate Pleasure Pro (I hate the name, but you can’t have everything) is the version I see the most often, though there are other iterations on a similar theme.
Essentially, these toys combine suction of the kind you’d get from a pussy pump with a flicking tongue action designed to mimic cunnilingus. I’m endlessly curious about toys that claim to feel like receiving oral sex, because thus far not a single one that claims this has managed it, but I live in hope! This version also includes an insertable arm for G-spot stimulation.
There’s only so many variations on “it vibrates and that feels good” in the world. Vibrators are wonderful inventions, but they’re not always the type of stimulation you’re in the mood for. That’s why, when I find toys that stimulate in different ways (such as thrusting, oscillating, or spinning) I get very very excited about them.
The Swap Love to Love includes three separate motors and offers two different sensations: vibrating and tapping. Let’s just say I am VERY curious about the latter and how it might feel.
Triple Stimulation Toy
I’ve tried a lot of dual stimulation toys (those that stimulate both the clit and G-spot at the same time) at this stage. Some of them have been excellent, and many of them have been disappointing. But I’ve never yet tried a triple stim – clitoral, vaginal, and anal – toy.
The Satisfyer Top Secret Plus is one such example. This wearable toy includes two insertable arms and an external clitoral stimulator.
So there you have it, five types of sex toys I’d like to try in 2023. What’s on your masturbatory wishlist for next year?
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