Tag: advice for dominants

Close up of a gold heart-shape pendant. Text reads: what is a day collar?

What is a Day Collar, Why Might You Wear One, and Where Can You Get One?

Published on by Amy

In a kinky or BDSM relationship, collars can have all kinds of meanings. They can be akin to an engagement or wedding ring, a symbol of commitment, a signal to other members of the BDSM community, or simply a tool or fashion accessory. However, traditional collars also tend to be quite… well, obvious. If you want to wear a reminder of your kinky relationship without alerting the whole world, a day collar might be the answer. But what is a day collar, what do they mean, and where can you get one?

What is a Day Collar?

Subtle BDSM wrist cuffs in gold, rose gold, silver, and black. Black bracelet is engraved with words "good girl"

In short, a day collar is a collar that can be worn discreetly in settings where a traditional BDSM collar wouldn’t be appropriate, from the workplace to Christmas dinner with the extended family.

Day collars vary significantly in terms of how “obvious” or subtle they are. O rings, triskelions, heart motifs, and the eternity symbol are popular choices you might see. Some might have words or symbols engraved. Others are completely indistinguishable from ordinary jewellery.

Day collars can be worn in addition to or instead of a more traditional BDSM collar.

Creative Day Collar Ideas: When a Collar Isn’t a Collar

BDSM silver ring with inlaid diamonds. Internal engraving reads "nothing is impossible," external engraving reads "good girl"

While necklaces and items worn around the neck are most traditional, your day collar needn’t be a collar or piece of neckwear at all. In a past D/s relationship, mine was a bracelet. I’ve know people who have rings, anklets, wrist cuffs, watches, items of clothing or underwear, or even “tokens” that they carry with them rather than wear.

Remember: there are no rules to any of this. What matters is that you choose something that feels personal to you, appropriate for your relationship, and practical for your lifestyle.

To Lock or Not to Lock?

Subtle BDSM day collar with kitten pendant in silver

Something that appeals to a lot of kinksters about collars is the idea of something that the submissive cannot remove by themself. There are countless lockable day collars on the market. Having your partner lock your collar around your neck (or wrist, or ankle) and not being able to remove it can feen sensual, sexy, and deeply intimate. This option won’t be practical for everyone, and you may want to skip a lockable collar if you regularly need to take all your jewellery off (if you work in medicine, for example, or have to go through airport security regularly.)

A quick word of caution: if you choose a locking collar, always make sure the wearer has access to a spare key in case of emergencies.

Negotiating What Your Day Collar Means

In BDSM as in any relationship, things tend to get messy when people don’t communicate clearly. If you’re thinking of introducing any kind of collar to your relationship, have a frank and open conversation with your partner about what it means.

Do you agree on what it symbolises, what (if any) rules and expectations are in place when it’s being worn, and any rules or protocols around when it may or may not be removed?

Regardless of whether you’re dominant, submissive, or switchy in your kinky relationship, I never recommend springing a collar on someone. People have very different ideas about what they do and don’t mean. Instead, bring up the subject of collaring in a low-pressure way and talk about what it means to you. If you and your partner agree that you want to introduce a collar and have established some guidelines on its meaning and role in your relationship, go shopping together for something you’ll both love.

Think & Kink: Purveyors of Beautiful and Unique BDSM Jewellery

BDSM day collar in stainless steel with gold and silver heart pendants

I’ve recently partnered with Think & Kink, a provider of gorgeous and unique day collars, BDSM jewellery, and other kinky accessories. They offer chokers, necklaces, lockable day collars, bracelets, anklets, rings, and more. Many of their items are also engraveable, so you can get them customised with your pet name, term of endearment, collaring date, or any other message that is meaningful to you.

Think & Kink allowed me to choose any piece from the site, and after a lot of deliberation I chose this dual heart mixed metals choker. This one called to me for a couple of reasons. First, hearts play a pretty key role in my personal style (#lovecore amirite?). I just love them. Secondly, as a polyamorous submissive with two loves and two dominants, the dual-heart design really spoke to me and seemed like a sweet way to honour both my relationships in my subtly kinky accessories.

They were also kind enough to send me a piece to gift to one lucky reader, so keep your eyes open for how to enter the giveaway – details coming soon!

This post was brought to you in collaboration with Think & Kink. Affiliate links appear in this post and you can get 15% off any order with code AMY15 at checkout. All images by Think & Kink.

Image featuring a VVD Rider Desire sex machine, a popular Sybian alternative. Text reads: 5 fun ways to use a ride-on sex machine

5 Fun Ways to Use a Ride-On Sex Machine

Published on by Amy

A ride-on sex machine like the Rider Desire Sex Saddle I reviewed last week, as well as pricier alternatives such as the Sybian and Cowgirl, is the ultimate wishlist sex toy for a lot of people. They’re certainly unique, offering a kind of stimulation and intensity it can be hard to replicate in other ways. Having been lucky enough to try a couple of different ones and now to own one… let’s talk about them!

What is a Ride-On Sex Machine?

In short, it’s a vibrating toy that you mount or straddle and then thrust or grind against. Most have some kind of interchangeable attachments, most often penetrative toys. Some, like the Rider Desire, can also be used without attachments if clitoral or other external stimulation is more your jam.

(By the way: ride-on sex machines aren’t only for people with vulvas! Anyone who enjoys anal penetration can also use one, regardless of gender or genitals. Some also come with attachments specifically for penises!)

Historically, most ride-on sex machines (such as the Sybian and its alternatives) have been mains-powered. However, rechargeable and cordless versions are now becoming increasingly available, too.

Why Do People Like Them?

As with anything: all kinds of reasons!

As anyone who has ever masturbated by humping their pillow will know, grinding on something can be an intensely pleasurable sensation. A ride-on sex machine kicks that sensation up several notches.

Some people also enjoy the kneeling or straddling position a sex machine offers. For some it will be more comfortable or physically accessible than other positions, while some enjoy the way it mimics the feeling of riding a partner in the so-called “cowgirl” position. The rocking and grinding motion you can get with a saddle sex machine is also more pleasurable than the thrusting motion offered by handheld dildos or traditional “fucking machines” for a lot of users.

Then there’s the kinky potential a ride-on sex machine offers, if you’re into that kind of thing.

5 Fun Ways to Use a Ride-On Sex Machine

If all you ever want to do with your sex machine is ride it and get off, that’s fabulous! Have the best time. But if you’re looking for some additional ideas, here are a few suggestions for fun things you might want to try out with your ride-on sex machine.

Experiment with Different Positions

The “classic” way to use a ride-on sex machine is, of course, the straddling position. But you can get as creative as you like! As always, the only correct way to do it is the way that feels good to you.

Floor hurting your knees? Try putting the machine on the bed or protecting your knees with cushions. Straddling position uncomfortable for your hips or back? Try a seated position with the toy between your legs instead. Lying down with the toy underneath you and grinding against it that way is another option. Does riding it “backwards” feel better for your body?

Experiment and see what feels good. There are no rules here.

Give (or Take) Control with a Partner

Many ride-on sex machines, including the Sybian and alternatives such as the Rider Desire, come with a remote control. This isn’t just a convenient way to control the toy without needing to fiddle with manual buttons. You can also use it to hand over control to a partner.

If you’re submissively inclined, you might enjoy your partner taking over and controlling your experience, allowing you to get completely into the moment and just feel the sensations. If you’re more dominant, why not make your submissive partner watch you get off with your machine, changing the settings or speed on your command?

Play with Forced Orgasms

In the context of kink and BDSM, a forced orgasm is a kind of kinky game where the submissive partner is “made” to orgasm while trying not to, sometimes just once and sometimes over and over.

Of course, the term “forced” is a misnomer. As with everything in sex, kink, and BDSM, this must only be done with explicit, enthusiastic consent and it is essential to have a safeword or other way the receiving partner can tap out at any time.

A ride-on sex machine can be a great way to experiment with forced orgasm play as the stimulation is intense and relentless by design. If you want to up the intensity even further, consider experimenting with combining your sex machine with bondage or restraint.

Try to Do Something Else While You Ride

Anyone else remember those kinky video clips of someone trying to read aloud while someone went down on them? You can adapt this concept for use with your ride-on sex machine. Try reading aloud, reciting lines, or performing a memory task while you ride the toy and gradually increase the intensity, and see how long you can last.

This is particularly fun if you combine it with power exchange. Perhaps the submissive partner gets punished when they make a mistake?

Combine Your Ride-On Sex Machine with Other Toys

I already said in my review that my favourite way to use the VVD Rider Desire ride-on sex machine is to use it without any of the internal attachments it comes with. As more of a clitoral stimulation gal than a penetration lover, that’s just what feels best to me.

Absolute gamechanger, though? Pairing the Rider Desire with one of my Grind Pads. You get the powerful vibrations of the Rider Desire combined with the textured stimulation of the grinder.

This works best with a grinder that comes with straps, as these will hold it in place on top of the machine no matter how vigorously you grind.

This post was sponsored by VVD and their Rider Desire ride-on sex machine, an affordable Cowgirl or Sybian alternative. All writing and views, as ever, are mine. Header image by VVD.

A wrapped present. For a post on the love language of giving and receiving gifts

The Kinky Love Languages: Giving & Receiving Gifts

Published on by Amy1 Comment

I started this series months ago and promptly forgot to finish it. But we’re back and today we’re talking the love language of gifts, and specifically gifts for your Dominant or submissive. Let’s go!

If you don’t know your love language yet, take the quiz to find out. The love languages model is deeply flawed and incomplete, but a useful starting point for thinking about how you like to give and receive love.

A content warning that this post discusses spending money, so if that’s difficult or stressful for you please feel free to skip this one. I have tried to be mindful of different budgets and provide a range of options.

What the “Giving and Receiving Gifts” Love Language Means (and Doesn’t)

Giving and receiving gifts is often looked down upon compared to the other four options in the basic “five love languages” framework (words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and physical touch.) Those who feel an affinity with this method of showing and receiving love tend to be viewed as materialistic, shallow, or having a tendency to throw money at a relationship in lieu of actually making an effort.

However, I believe that is unfair.

The people I’ve spoken to for whom giving and receiving gifts is a primary love language take care to point out that it’s not about the money spent or the financial value of the gift. Instead, it’s about the love and affection that goes into picking out the perfect thing for your partner.

The “gifts” in this context do not have to be big, expensive, extravagant presents. In most cases, they probably shouldn’t be. This love language is about paying attention to the things your partner loves or what they need, and giving them things that reflect that care and attention. Gifts for your Dominant or submissive can be as simple as getting their favourite brand of tea before they sleep over, bringing them a bar of chocolate after a bad day, or picking up a cute trinket you saw for £1 because it made you think of them.

So how can this one relate to kinky dynamics?

Gifts for a Submissive: How to Love a Sub with This Love Language

In my experience, very often what submissives want more than anything is to feel truly seen and known by their Dominants. Another thing that is very often important to submissives is to feel taken care of. The love language of gifts gives you, as a Dominant, tonnes of opportunity to provide for these basic and important needs.

So pay attention to what your submissive likes! Listen for cues, watch the things they lust after or buy for themselves. Take note of things like any favourite colours, foods, hobbies or artists. That way, when you’re looking for gifts for a submissive partner, for a special occasion or “just because,” you can get them something really perfect.

Is your submissive always working hard and barely taking time for themselves? You could give them a gift which says “I’m giving you permission to relax.” A nice bath bomb or the latest issue of their favourite magazine? Perhaps the heating in their apartment is wonky, so you buy them a big snuggly blanket to keep them warm on cold days. Have they been wanting to write more? A beautiful notebook might be the perfect present.

Sexy gifts such as sex toys can also be a great option, if your relationship includes sex! Why not surprise your submissive with a new vibrator, masturbator, or a dildo in their favourite colour? They’ll think of you fondly every time they use it.

Making It Meaningful to the Two of You

Finally, consider the meaning of gifts that signify your relationship and importance to each other. You’ll need to negotiate its meaning fully, and I don’t advocate springing this on someone without discussion, but for many submissives, their collar will be the most precious gift they ever receive. If that’s not right for your relationship (or they already have one,) then other gift options for a submissive might be a special piece of jewellery, a harness, some beautiful underwear, or even a kink toy that is only for the two of you to use together.

Gifts for Your Dominant: How to Love a Dom with This Love Language

A good way to think of this is to frame the idea of giving the perfect gifts to your Dominant as an act of service. Many Doms love the idea of a submissive who pays attention and can anticipate their needs. Notice what their favourite snacks are and make sure you have them in. Bring them a coffee when you meet them at the end of a long day. Stressed out Dom? Buy massage oil or a massage candle and read up on how to give a relaxing back rub.

As with any other partner, keep notes on their favourite things and use this knowledge to guide your gift-giving.

A way to take this a step further, if you’re so inclined, is to make it your mission to seek out something special for them that they haven’t been able to get. Is there a book they really want that’s out of print, a game that’s no longer made, or a limited edition version of something that would make their eyes light up? If you have the chance, making an extra effort in this way can be a profound show of both love and service.

Kinking It Up a Step Further

Kinky toys and tools are absolutely ideal gifts to give Dominants, too. Pay attention to what things they pick up and admire when you go to the fetish market together, or what things they’ve mentioned they really want to try. File this information away for later then, when you have occasion to give them a gift, you can surprise them with something that they’ll get endless joy out of using (on you, naturally.) Have you ever given a sadist a new whip as a present? I recommend it.

And kinky presents don’t have to stop at physical things. What about a ticket to a kink event you’ve been wanting to go to together, or a course of lessons in rope, whip technique, or some other skill they’ve been wanting to learn?

If you wish, you could even turn giving gifts to your Dominant into a kinky thing in and of itself. I am far from an expert in “financial Domination,” and it’s something I encourage you to be extremely careful with and set firm limits around… but if the idea of showering your Dom with gifts and treats as part of your submission, or pretending you are being “made” to do it, gets you off then this can be a fun thing to play with. The inimitable Girl on the Net wrote about one perspective on financial domination here and here.

Some More Tips That Work for Anyone

At the end of the day, most people love to receive the kinds of gifts that show thought, consideration, and a true knowledge of who they are. Regardless of whether you’re kinky or vanilla, a Dom or a sub or something else, you can show love to your partner by giving them the occasional well-considered, well-timed gift.

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, consider gifts that help your partner feel connected to you. This could be as simple as sneaking a shirt that smells like you into their luggage before they leave, or as elaborate as buying them a fancy app-controlled sex toy for use during your sexting sessions.

Homemade gifts are almost always wonderful. So if you have a talent, use it! I own two paintings and several pieces of jewellery made for me by my partner The Artist, and I absolutely cherish these things. I’ve made everything from chocolate chip cookies to knitted items for loved ones, and they’ve always gone down well.

Finally, gifts don’t have to be physical items! Something I treasure immensely is when a partner gives me a gift of an experience for us to do together. This could be buying dinner at their favourite restaurant, going to see a show together, or almost anything that they’ll love doing and love doing with you. Something that’s both a physical item and an experience, such as a date night kit or couples’ chocolate set, can work particularly well for anyone who sits at the intersection of “receiving gifts” and “quality time” in their love languages.

Looking for some inspiration? Check out my list of sexy gift ideas to get inspired.

Affiliate links appear in this post.

How to use Fetlife header image for a listicle on getting the most out of the kinky networking and kinky dating site

Ten Tips for Getting the Most Out of Fetlife

Published on by Amy7 Comments

Love it or hate it (and honestly, these days I mostly hate it), Fetlife is still the absolute number one place to be on the internet if you’re a kinky person who wants to interact with the BDSM and fetish community outside of your bedroom. The “Facebook of kink” can be a wonderful place to network and grow community, or it can be a complete cesspit. It’s not a dating site, but Fetlife can also be a great place to connect with potential kinky partners. Here are ten of my top tips on how to use Fetlife to its best.

Fill Out Your Profile

It’s hard to use Fetlife to build a community or make connections if your profile isn’t filled out. You don’t need to write an essay, but “I dunno, ask me” or “I hate talking about myself” do not constitute a good profile.

Tell us whatever it is about yourself you’re happy to share. If you’re stuck for ideas, try this:

  • How long have you been in the community or identified as kinky?
  • What does kink mean to you?
  • What do your relationship(s) look like, if applicable?
  • What are you looking for?
  • What are your hobbies and interests outside of kink?

Choose Your Role Carefully

There are tonnes of different role options you can choose from, and you can now list up to five on your profile at a time.

There’s the ubiquitous Dominant, Submissive, and Switch, of course. But you can also be a Kinkster, a Hedonist, a Pet, a Brat or Brat Tamer, a Daddy or Mommy, and many more. The ever-increasing list of roles gets ever more niche as well as including humorous options like “Fairy Kink Mother.”

Choose the role(s) that most apply to you, and consider saying something in your profile about what your identifiers mean to you. Remember you can always change your roles, too, so don’t be afraid to swap things around as you gain experience and change as a kinkster. This is normal.

Consider Your Location

There’s a running joke amongst long-time Fetlife users that there are more kinksters in Antarctica than people. This is because so many Fetlife users put “Antarctica” as their location to avoid revealing where they really live.

If you need to conceal your location, I’m absolutely not judging. Please do what you need to do in order to be safe!

But if you safely can, consider using at least your general area like your country, state, or nearest major city. This makes it easier to connect with people who live near to you and also means you’ll get event recommendations based on your location. (Not many dungeon parties in Antarctica, funnily enough!)

Say What You’re Looking For on Fetlife

In your profile header, you can tick all the “What I’m Looking For” options that apply to you. Options include everything from a lifetime relationship to events, friendship, and more. You can select as many as you want.

Carefully consider what you’re looking for, be honest, and elaborate in your profile if you can. If you say you’re looking for a romantic or kinky partner, it’s particularly important to indicate what sorts of people and dynamics you’re open to.

Don’t Try to Use Fetlife Solely as a Dating App

Fetlife is not primarily a dating site. It’s not a bad place to start if your eventual goal is to find a Dom, sub, or kinky partner, but using it as your personal hunting ground or as an alternative to Tinder or Feeld will piss people off really fast.

If you’re new to BDSM or just to the public kink scene, you need kinky friends before you need dates or play partners. Focus on getting out there, learning, building connections, and making friends. The rest will fall into place.

Read Profiles Before Messaging

I really cannot emphasise this enough: please read someone’s entire profile, and pay attention to it, before messaging them. Nothing is more annoying than people who clearly haven’t read my profile and slide into my inbox pushing their fantasies anyway.

Some people only want to be contacted by folks of certain genders, ages, geographical locations, or kink identities. Some are open to dating or meeting play partners on Fetlife, others are not. Respect these boundaries; you are not the exception.

Message Respectfully

So you’ve read someone’s profile. They’ve sparked your interest enough that you want to make a connection. You’ve established that messaging them won’t contravene any stated boundaries. Now what?

The first message can make or break things. Don’t open with sexual content. Yes, it’s a fetish site, but there are human beings on the other end of your message and they have better things to do than provide you with free masturbation fodder.

Don’t make demands, don’t make assumptions about roles or identities, and don’t assert a kinky dynamic where none exists. Subs, this applies to you, too! Calling someone “Mistress” or “Daddy” without consent is just as wrong as calling someone “slave” or “slut” without consent.

Do at least a cursory check of your spelling and grammar. Keep it brief. Don’t ask to meet straight away. Just be a friendly, normal, respectful person.

Join Fetlife Groups (But Read the Rules)

There are literally thousands of groups on Fetlife. Groups operate as discussion forums based around specific topics.

Many are for those interested in specific kinks or fetishes. Some are for people looking for dating opportunities on Fetlife. Others are based around a specific geographical location or a specific event. Some are for folks with a certain identity, such as queer and trans kinksters. There are even non-kinky groups where you can just discuss a topic of mutual interest. Pick a few interests, join some groups, and start engaging positively in discussions.

All groups have rules governing the kind of content that is allowed in them. Many, for example, will specify “no personal ads” (cruising for dates/play) or “no advertising” (commercial/business content or advertising your event,.) Some are also reserved for a certain demographic, such as under 35s, women, or LGBTQ folks.

Disregarding group rules is likely to get your posts deleted and may even get you kicked or banned from groups. It also wastes moderators’ time, annoys group members, and makes you look like an asshole. Read the rules and follow them. If someone corrects you for an accidental rule breach you made in good faith, apologise and don’t repeat the mistake.

The Kinky and Popular page highlights posts, photos, videos and writings which have garnered a lot of attention in a short space of time. No-one is 100% clear how the algorithm works (Fetlife isn’t exactly famed for its transparency) but that’s the gist of it.

The problem with K&P is that it tends to adhere to a very narrow version of what kink is and an even narrower version of beauty standards, particularly for women. I avoid K&P entirely now because it makes me feel shitty about myself and my body.

Kink isn’t a popularity contest and in my view, this page is the antithesis of what the community is really about.

Reach Out to Community Leaders and Prominent Figures

If you’re struggling to make connections or feeling nervous about going along to events, reach out to someone who seems like they’re a leader, event organiser, or prominent and respected person in your local community. Simply explain that you’re new, let them know what you’ve done so far to get involved with the scene (if anything), and ask if they’d be willing to be a friendly face at an upcoming munch or event.

Community leaders become community leaders because they love helping people and helping the scene to thrive. Reach out. Be polite and friendly, be respectful of their time, and be specific if you can in what you’re asking and you’re far more likely to get a good response.

Young woman wearing a pink BDSM collar and pink leather handcuffs

11 Things a Collar Can Mean (But Doesn’t Have To)

Published on by Amy

What is the meaning of a collar in BDSM? Ask ten BDSM enthusiasts what collaring means to them and you’ll get 20 different answers. Not all kinksters use collars in their play or D/s relationships. Amongst those who do, they can have vastly different meanings depending on context and the people involved.

A simple band around the neck can take on many different significances and be worn in many different ways. As with anything in BDSM, Here are some I thought of, though I am sure there are many more.

A Lifetime Commitment: Collaring as a BDSM Marriage

Some kinksters view their collar as akin to a wedding ring. They may or may not also be legally married to their partner, and they may or may not also wear a traditional wedding ring, but they view their collar as the outward symbol of their lifetime commitment to a BDSM relationship.

Some couples choose to formalise their collaring with a ceremony. This can be performed privately or in front of friends and loved ones.

BDSM Collar Meaning: Permanent Ownership

Some people use “owner/property” dynamics as part of their kinky relationships. In these contexts, the submissive may wear a collar as a symbol that they are the property of their partner. Some couples choose a permanent collar that cannot be removed without a key. If you go down this route, always make sure the wearer has a spare in case of an emergency.

BDSM Collar Meaning: Temporary Ownership

Not all kinksters want to be in a 24/7 or lifetime BDSM relationship, but still want to go deeply into a Dominant or submissive headspace. For these people, a collar can serve as a sign of temporary ownership, whether for the length of a scene, a day, a weekend, or longer. However, when the collar comes off or the context changes, the ownership dynamic also ends or transitions back into an equal partnership.

Self-Collaring: A BDSM Collar Meaning “I Belong to Me”

I have a collar I bought for myself. When I wear it, it’s a reminder that I am owned by no-one but myself. My body, my choices, and my heart are mine. I might choose to give them away to trusted people for short amounts of time, but they always come back to me at the end. Self-collaring can be a reminder to be true to yourself, a way to access your submissive identity when you don’t have a dominant, a reminder to take care of yourself, and so much more.

Keeping a Connection and Closeness Alive with a Collar

Perhaps you’re in a long-distance or non-nesting relationship. Maybe you just want to feel close to your partner and keep your D/s dynamic alive when you’re not physically together. Regardless of your circumstances, wearing a collar can be a great way to do this. Many couples choose a day collar for this purpose, which can symbolise your relationship without raising any eyebrows in public.

Collars of Consideration or Training

Some people who practice formal BDSM relationships follow a series of steps leading up to permanent collaring. During this process, the submissive may wear a “training collar” or “collar of consideration” for a period of time before receiving their permanent collar. As with anything in a BDSM dynamic, negotiate the meaning of each collar clearly with your partner at every step of the process.

Collars as a Way of Getting Into a Headspace

Whatever your kinky headspace looks like, putting a collar on your submissive partner or having one put on you can be a “shortcut” to accessing that headspace. For people who play at events or parties, putting on the collar at the start of the night is often part of the getting-ready ritual.

Collars Signalling “Leave Me Alone, I’m Taken”

This isn’t foolproof, but I’ve found that if I’m attending a kink event unpartnered and I don’t want to be hit on, wearing a collar will significantly cut down on the unwanted attention I receive.

Because BDSM collars can have so many different meanings and not everyone is monogamous, people won’t necessarily assume that your collar means you’re unavailable. But at least some likely will. Think of it as the kinky equivalent of flashing a wedding ring when the creepy guy at the bar isn’t getting the hint.

No Deep Meaning: A Collar as a BDSM Tool

For some people, a collar is part of a scene that’s there for what it can do rather than what it means. This might mean attaching a leash to lead your submissive around a party, cuffing their hands to their collar to immobilise them, or using it to tug them in for a kiss.

Collars as Decorations or Fashion Accessories

Collars look pretty and can add a kinky twist to an outfit quickly and easily. I have one I love that was sent to me for review. It has no meaning attached to it and isn’t connected to any particular relationship. I wear it because I like how it looks.

Flagging Kinky in Public

The idea of flagging originates from the “hanky code”, which was pioneered by gay and bisexual men in the 1970s. Coloured handkerchiefs placed in certain positions are used to indicate interest in various sexual roles and practices. Flagging has come to refer more broadly to using outward symbols to subtly indicate your proclivities to other interested parties.

There are many spaces where, though they’re not kink-specific events, a lot of the participants will likely be kinky. Think adults’ LGBTQ+ community events, goth clubs, geek and sci-fi events, Renaissance Fairs, and so on. In these spaces, the meaning of a BDSM collar can be “hey, we have this thing in common!”. You might even make some new friends.

The Taboo Brighton Logo

This post was sponsored by Taboo Brighton. Taboo launched in 2003 and has established itself as a genre-defining Brighton retail experience. The store was awarded “Best Sex Shop in the UK” at the Erotic Trade Awards. It was also once described in The Guardian as the “Dolce and Gabbana of Sex Shops”. All views and writing are mine.

leg in futomomo shibari tie. Header image for 3 mini reviews of kink products

[Kink Product Review] Beginner BDSM Toys: Leather Cuffs, Hemp Rope, and Silicone Paddle

Published on by Amy

If you’re looking to explore BDSM for the first time, the sheer volume of toys and gear on the market can be overwhelming. From BDSM starter kits to custom, artisan-made toys, shopping for beginner BDSM toys can be a minefield and an expensive one at that. That’s why I’m working with The Pleasure Garden, a women-owned and 100% body-safe online sex shop, to bring you this round-up of three potential options for newcomers to kink: a set of leather cuffs, some hemp rope, and a silicone paddle. You’ll also find some quick tips on how to use them safely.

Let’s delve into the parcel, shall we?

Beginner BDSM Toys #1: Bound Noir Slim Wrist Cuffs

If you’re interested in playing with bondage and restraint, a set of good quality wrist cuffs is a great place to start. This set, made of soft and supple real leather with gold-coloured metal hardware, retail for the bargain price of £34.99.

Bound Noir black leather cuffs from a beginner BDSM toys kit

The Bound Noir Slim Wrist Cuffs come with a removable connecting chain with clips at either end, and each cuff has two D-rings. This offers plenty of opportunities for play, from securing the wearer’s hands behind their back to fastening them to a bondage bed, St. Andrew’s Cross, or other surface. They have 5 notches for an adjustable fit.

These cuffs are soft and comfortable, and the leather gets softer with use as you break them in. I’ve worn them in scene them for well over an hour, and they remained comfortable the whole time. The gold accents give an elegant feel.

Bound Noir black wrist cuffs on anonymous female hands

If you’re vegan or would prefer not to use products made from animal leather, there are many faux leather alternatives available.

Leather Wrist Cuffs Tips & Tricks

When you start playing with restraint, experiment with different positions. Not everything will be comfy for everyone. Clip your partner’s hands together behind their back, hook their arms around the bedpost, or tie their hands to something above their head. If you like attending kink parties or other play spaces, there will be all kinds of furniture to experiment with. Pair with a set of ankle cuffs for more complete restraint or a “spread-eagle” position.

Safety-wise, cuffs should be loose enough that you can slip 1-2 fingers between the cuff and the skin. Experiment with different settings and check in regularly. If the wearer experiences any numbness, tingling, or pins and needles in the hands, take the cuffs off or loosen them. Never leave a bound person alone.

Store your cuffs flat, not fastened, to keep them looking good for longer.

Beginner BDSM Toys #2: Bound to Please Hemp Bondage Rope

Ask any rope bondage practitioner about their favourite type of rope, and you’ll get wildly different but equally passionate answers. We all have our favourites. I’ve always favoured jute for its look, its feel, and the way it handles. Another popular choice is hemp. this hemp bondage rope from Bound To Please.

Hemp rope coiled from a beginner BDSM toys kit

This hemp rope retails for £12.99 for each 10 metre lengths. It is 5mm in diameter, which is my preferred rope thickness for most purposes.

The thing I love about natural fibre ropes, and hemp in particular, is the smell. Hemp rope has a distinct, sweet and woody smell smell. Natural fibres also get softer and smoother with use, as they are handled and absorb the natural oils from your skin.

Rope Tips & Tricks

Close up of part of a futomomo in hemp rope on anonymous leg
A self-tie by me

Beginners often wonder how much rope to buy, and the annoyingly vague answer is “it depends.” Factors like the size of your rope bottom and the types of ties you want to do will have an impact. If all you want to do is tie your partner to the bed for sex, a couple of lengths will be enough. For more complex formal ties, a minimum of 3 lengths will get you started.

Once you start moving beyond very basic ties, the risk involved in rope bondage increases. Suspension looks cool and can be great fun, but it is also very dangerous if not done properly. Take the time to become proficient in floor-based bondage before you even think about suspending or being suspended, and then learn how to do it under the guidance of an experienced rigger.

Make sure you can remove the rope quickly if you need to. EMT shears (the kind paramedics use) are a popular and safe option. Again, never leave a bound person alone.

Peer rope events, in-person or online classes, and instructional videos by reputable teachers are all great ways to learn bondage basics and not-so-basics. Don’t discount self-tying, either, which can be both fun and educational.

Beginner BDSM Toys #3: Bound to Please Silicone Paddle

The most common materials for spanking paddles are leather, faux leather, and hard plastic. I’d never used a silicone paddle before I received this one to try.

The Bound To Please Silicone Paddle measures 41cm long by 6cm wide. It is light and easy to handle, a breeze to clean and sterilise (just throw it in boiling water or use a body-safe medical wipe), and suitable for vegans.

BLack silicone paddle from a beginner BDSM toys kit

I tested this one out with my partner The Artist. To the best of my recollection, my reaction to the first few strikes was a string of profanity. A combination of the density of the silicone, textured surface, and slender design means this fucking thing hurts like hell.

Seriously, I don’t think I can really recommend a silicone paddle as a beginner BDSM toy. It is vicious.

Now to be clear, I love this paddle. But I am an experienced kinkster and have been doing impact play for well over a decade. Unless you have a high pain tolerance and a very clear idea of your body’s capabilities and limits, I cannot recommend this paddle to someone just starting out. You could get hurt or hurt your partner in a bad way if you start out with an impact toy this intense.

So what do I recommend instead? A wide, soft leather paddle or flexible layered paddle is a great beginner BDSM toy for curious impact players.

If you’re feeling brave enough to try this fucker, though, it retails for an affordable £24.99.

Silicone Paddle Tips & Tricks

Black silicone paddle in anoymous hand

Before you pick up a silicone paddle or any other impact toy, learn which areas of the body you can safely strike. Fleshy areas like the butt and backs of the thighs are low risk and enjoyable on most people. Front and inner thighs, breasts and chests, upper backs, and genitals can also be fun if you’re careful. Never strike the face, head, neck, spine, lower back, or any bony area or joint.

If you’re new to impact play, start slowly. Most people can take more impact, and will enjoy it far more, if you build up gradually. Unless you’ve negotiated it very explicitly with an experienced bottom, whacking someone at full force right out of the gate is a recipe for a bad time.

Remember that the goal of an impact play session isn’t to take or dish out as much as you possibly can. The goal is for everyone involved to have a good time.

When you’re negotiating a spanking session, get clear about what kind of scene you want and what impact play means to you. Playing with punishment is hot to some people and emotionally painful for others. Will power dynamics be involved or are you purely in it for the physical sensations? Will you be taking on a role, or playing as yourself?

Other Recommendations For Your First Toy Kit

When you’re just starting out in kink, you don’t necessarily want to spend a fortune on kit – especially before you’ve fully worked out what you like! Exactly what you prioritise spending your money on will, of course, depend on your interests. But here’s a few things I think you should consider for your basic all-purpose kink kit…

Thank you to The Pleasure Garden for sending me these items to review. Affiliate links appear in this post. All views and writing are mine.

A metal male chastity device for a penis on a black background

5 Great Reasons to Try Chastity Play

Published on by Amy

The chastity fetish is incredibly common. Broadly speaking, chastity is a form of kink play that involves abstaining from orgasm, and sometimes from any form of sexual contact, for a period of time. Some people do chastity play as part of a kinky or D/s relationship. Others engage in online play such as frequenting chastity fetish forums, having cyber-sex, or watching chastity porn. Some hire sex workers to be their keyholders. It’s also possible to do chastity play solo.

Playing with this kink might or might not include the use of a physical chastity device such as a cock cage or chastity belt. Some people play with it just for a few minutes or hours, while others do long-term and extreme chastity. The only right way to engage with chastity fetish is the way that is risk-aware and feels right for you.

So why do people like chastity? Here are five great reasons to give it a go if you’re curious.

Chastity Can Enhance Feelings of Submission or Dominance

Giving someone control over your sexual release is, in some ways, the ultimate surrender. Whether you’re handing over the keys to your chastity device to a partner or simply pledging not to touch yourself until given permission, needing someone’s permission to experience pleasure and orgasm will likely enhance how submissive you feel towards that person.

For many Dominants, having control over someone’s sexual pleasure is a tremendous power rush. Many Dominants enjoy hearing a submissive beg for release, only to deny it.

You Might Experience a Stronger Orgasm

Many chastity fetish enthusiasts say that, after a period of denial, the eventual orgasm is much stronger and more satisfying.

Think of it as a bit like taking that first bite of your favourite meal when you’re starving. Wanting and looking forward to something makes it so much better than you finally get it.

Chastity Play Keeps Your D/s Dynamic Front-of-Mind

We all have busy lives and most of us can’t live our kinky fantasy dream life 24/7. For many chastity fetish participants, it’s a great way to keep their dynamic centred in their life even when they’re doing other things.

Imagine going about your day and feeling your chastity device under your clothes, or even just remembering you’re not allowed to touch yourself no matter how horny you get. This can help you stay connected to your Dominant and your kinky self even when you’re not actively playing.

Chastity Fetish is a Great Activity for Long-Distance Relationships

For long distance BDSM couples, chastity play is one of the easier kinks to do from a distance. For example, some couples implement the rule that the submissive is always in chastity when not with the Dominant. Others like to play teasing, denial, and edging games online or on the phone while apart.

Pleasure Can Act as a Motivator: Better Living Through Your Chastity Fetish

Are you a Dominant trying to train your submissive and instill desirable behaviours or break problematic ones? Chastity can be a great motivator. Perhaps your submissive only gets to touch themselves if they drank their eight glasses of water today. Maybe you’ll only let them orgasm after they’ve got all their writing done. Or perhaps they get an extra day in the belt for every day they forget to eat breakfast.

Of course, solo kinksters can also play use chastity in this way, though you’ll need to be a little more disciplined if you’re enforcing the rules on yourself. I’m a big proponent of using kink as a tool for self-improvement, and release-as-reward is one fun way to play with this.

This post contains affiliate links.

Hands holding up beers. Text set into a circle reads: 6 benefits of going to a kink munch

6 Benefits of Going to a Kink Munch (Apart from Finding Partners)

Published on by Amy1 Comment

If you ask experienced kinksters for their advice on exploring the BDSM world for the first time, they’ll most likely advise you to find a kink munch to attend.

What is a BDSM Munch and What Happens There?

A BDSM or kink munch is a social gathering of kinksters, usually in a setting like a pub, bar, or restaurant. Munches are usually no-play spaces where people wear everyday clothing and get to know one another in a purely social setting.

Some munches have activities, such as icebreakers or getting-to-know-you games. Others are totally informal, just like going to the pub with a group of friends. Some are for particular demographics – such as submissives, under 35s, women and other marginalised genders, or queer folks – while others are open to everyone.

Almost all major cities have at least one munch, and many have several. I live in a medium-sized city and there are at least ten munches a month that I know of.

6 Benefits of Going to a Kink Munch

When they’re new to BDSM, many inexperienced kinksters want to jump straight into their first kink party or find a Dom or sub and get on with playing. I understand the desire but I think this is a mistake. Here are six reasons why I think a kink munch should be your first event, which have little or nothing to do with finding people to play with.

You’ll Make Friends

I’ve got dear friends I first met at munches who I hope will be in my life forever. Kinksters are a friendly crowd and we love helping newcomers find their feet. You’ll meet all kinds of people at a BDSM munch, and not everyone will be your new bestie, but keep an open mind and chat to as many people as you can.

The trick to making friends at a kink munch is to treat it like you would any other situation with new people. If in doubt, ask people about themselves, though avoid overly personal questions. Many kinky people are circumspect about sharing “real world” details about their lives.

Avoid intrusive sexual questions or starting out by asking someone what they’re into. If in doubt, “how long have you been in the community?” or “what do you like to do for fun outside of kink?” are generally safe starting points.

You’ll Build a Reputation

Kinky people like to protect our own, and many of us strive towards robust community safeguarding. That’s why kinky social standings can be made or broken on reputation. Fortunately, it’s pretty easy to start building a good reputation as long as you’re a basically decent person. Becoming a regular at your local kink community’s munch is a great way to do that.

Be friendly, kind, honest, respectful, and honour consent at all times (including small interactions like asking before hugging someone.) When you start playing, negotiate thoroughly and practice risk-aware consensual kink.

In other words, be the kind of person you’d want to be friends with and maybe play with.

You Might Get Invited to Better Parties and Events

Some kink parties are broadly open to anyone who buys a ticket. These can be great, but many other events are private, semi-private, vetted, or invite-only.

The key to getting invited to those events? Make friends, build a good reputation, and be the kind of person others want to be around. Open, social kink events like munches are the best way to do this. This won’t happen overnight, but be yourself and get to know other people as friends and you might soon have a shiny new kinky social life.

It’s a Safer Way to Vet People

If you’ve met someone you might like to play with, learning how to vet a Dom or a sub is a vital tool in staying safe. If you’ve been chatting online, meeting at a kink munch is a safe and low-pressure way to get to know someone. Or if you’ve met someone in the local community and are curious if they’re really as great as they seem, your new kinky friends will be well placed to let you know if your prospective Mr/Ms/Mx Right is a good person to get involved with.

You’ll Build Knowledge

Something to know about kinksters? We’re fucking nerds in the best possible way. Want to learn more about some cool kinky skill or implement you’ve come across, or just about BDSM and the community in general? Your local community is your best resource.

Generally speaking, we kinksters love to enthuse about our “thing” and share our knowledge with anyone who wants to listen. So open your mind, listen up, and get ready to learn all kinds of amazing things. And if you want to ask a particular person at the munch about a kink or activity you know they’re experienced in? Go for it.

A Kink Munch is a Safe Place to Be Yourself

As kinksters, we know that our sexuality lives on the fringes. We may not be able to be safely “out” about our proclivities to people in our lives. In addition, a large percentage of us are queer, trans, neurodivergent, disabled, or have other marginalised identities. This means that you are likely to find a community full of welcoming, accepting people.

In the right kink space, you don’t need to hide your sexuality, your gender, your social awkwardness, or your nerdy hobbies. You’re welcome exactly as you are.

Do you find my work useful? Sharing it on Bluesky or Fetlife or buying me a coffee is a great way to say thanks <3

Close up on a train track with a train in the background. Text reads: Long-distance BDSM

Long-Distance BDSM: 5 Ways to Keep Your Dynamic Alive When You’re Apart

Published on by Amy

Long-distance relationships can be challenging in all sorts of ways, from the emotional strain of missing each other to the expense and time involved in visits. Long distance BDSM adds another layer to this, and many kinky couples (whether their dynamic is 24/7 or not) find it hard to maintain their dynamic across the miles. If you’re trying to stay connected with your long distance sub or Dom and keep your dynamic alive, these tips might help you.

Long-Distance BDSM Tips for All Kinky Dynamics

I have some experience of long-distance relationships, including long-distance polyamory and long-distance BDSM, and so do many of my friends and loved ones. That means I’ve learned a few things about how to keep a kink dynamic alive and thriving no matter where you both are in the world.

Here are five things you might want to try. As always, take the ones that work for you and leave the ones that don’t.

Sext Each Other

Sexting is brilliant if, like me, you’re a wordy person. I love the anticipation when the other person is typing. I love tapping out my fantasies, planting ideas and imagery into my lover’s mind with my words. If you’re in a long-distance BDSM relationship, it’s easy to add a D/s element to your sexting. The Dominant partner can give the submissive partner instructions, or you can share fantasies of a scene you might like to do when you’re next together… or memories of one you already did.

There’s a kind of delicious collaboration that comes with building a scene or sexy story together in this way. Another advantage of sexting is that you can read the messages back at a later date if you want to.

Check out my tips for better sexting if you want to get better at fucking your partner with your words.

Have Phone Sex

Phone sex (or video call sex) is a bit like sexting, only more immediate and more visceral. You can hear your partner’s tone, hear their voice catch when you say something that really gets them, hear them gasp or moan as they touch themselves.

Long distance vibrators and other remote control toys can be a great addition to virtual or phone sex.

Instructions and Accountability for a Long Distance Sub

If your D/s relationship incorporates instruction or tasks outside of designated scene space, providing these from a distance can help to keep the submissive accountable and the long-distance BDSM dynamic strong.

This can take virtually any form you like. Instructions can be sexy (“send me a picture of your panties next time you go to the bathroom”), self-care based (“I want you to drink a pint of water before noon”), or anything else you can think of that fits your desires and context.

Plann and Negotiate Future Scenes

One nice thing about long-distance BDSM is that you have to be super intentional with your playtime. This means making plans, negotiating scenes, and talking about desires, limits, boundaries, and possibilities upfront. But BDSM negotiation isn’t just a necessity; it can also be a part of your dynamic in itself.

You know how, when you start planning a trip or vacation, you get those lovely feelings of excitement and anticipation about all the fun you’re going to have? It’s exactly the same when you start planning a kink scene you might play out in the future.

Not sure where to start? A Yes/No/Maybe list is a great way to get some ideas and find out more about where your kinks overlap.

Keep a Physical Reminder of Your Dynamic When You’re Apart

This is something I recommend for all long-distance relationships, but it can work particularly well for long-distance BDSM. A physical reminder – something you can look at, wear, touch, or hold – of your partner and your dynamic can help you to keep feeling connected and close when you’re apart.

A collar is an obvious example for a long distance sub, if that’s your thing. Other options could include a wearable such as a piece of jewellery or a pair of pet play ears, a kinky object such as a chastity device (or your partner’s device key), an item of your partner’s clothing or some of their perfume/cologne, a cuddly toy, a card or letter… whatever is most meaningful to the two of you and your dynamic.

Affiliate links appear in this post. Shopping with them sends me a small commission at no additional cost to you.

Several wooden spoons. For a post about pervertables and doing BDSM on a budget with household items

5 Pervertables You Probably Have in Your House Right Now

Published on by Amy1 Comment

Quality BDSM gear can be expensive. Sex shops sell some stuff, of course, though its quality is highly variable. A custom flogger or handmade paddle can cost anything from tens to hundreds of dollars. Many people simply don’t have that type of money and want to enjoy BDSM on a budget instead. Enter: pervertables.

What Are Pervertables?

Pervertables are innocuous everyday household items, reimagined and repurposed for kink. They are ideal for kinksters looking to do BDSM on a budget, anyone who is new to BDSM or wants to try a new type of sensation without blowing a lot of cash, or for those occasions when you find yourself somewhere without your toybag and want to have some fun.

And, of course, some pervertables can be sexy for their own sake. A lot of people fetishise, for example, the feeling and aesthetic of being spanked with a hairbrush.

Doing BDSM on a Budget? You Probably Have These 5 Pervertables in Your House Right Now

When it comes to using pervertables for BDSM and bondage at home, you’re limited only by your imagination and basic safety precautions. Here are five ideas for items you might have to hand right now that can have a kinky use.

Clothes Pegs

Clothes pegs are an amazing alternative to clamps and such an underrated kink toy! Choose the plastic ones with soft pads on the teeth if you’re after something less vicious. The wooden ones are often more pinchy. This can vary, though, so test them out on your finger before you apply them to anywhere more sensitive.

Use clothes pegs on nipples, labia, clits, cocks, or most sensitive fleshy areas. Keep them away from the face and neck. After a more intense or painful experience? Try putting a line of clothes pegs along your masochist’s back, tying them all together with string or twine, and pulling them all of at once. (Don’t surprise someone with this the first time you do it; it’s not for everyone, so always get consent first.)

Pro tip: the longer you leave clamps or pegs on, the more they’ll hurt when they come off.

Chopsticks

Chopsticks are another option for makeshift clamps. Simply squeeze a nipple (or other sensitive area) between two chopsticks and secure the ends with small elastic bands or hair ties. For a tighter squeeze, secure closer to the centre. To loosen them off, move the bands outwards.

Wooden Spoon

Arguably the ultimate household spanking implement, wooden spoons can deliver a surprisingly sharp and stingy sensation. Much like canes, their pain comes in waves – the initial sting when the blow hits, and then a second or two moments later as all the nerves fully register the impact.

Pervertables like wooden spoons are pretty safe when used on fleshy places like butts, but you should always start slowly and gently, checking in with your partner along the way. You’d be surprised how much they can hurt!

Hairbrush

Traditionally associated with over-the-knee spanking, hairbrushes remain enduringly popular impact implements. Different sizes, shapes and materials can feel very different, so make no assumptions, build up slowly, and communicate with your partner as you go about how it feels.

Ice

Ice is brilliant. You can use it on its own or alongside something like wax play for a fun temperature-based scene. You can run ice over your partner’s body for a cold tease, press it to a nipple or clit, or trail icy droplets all over them.

Ice play doesn’t have to be painful and can be purely sensual, but it definitely can be painful if that’s what you want. Typically, ice in sensitive places will become painful quite quickly. Keep the ice moving (i.e. don’t rest it on one spot for too long) and make sure that the bottom gets dried off and warmed up as quickly as possible after play.

…And 5 Things You Shouldn’t Use as Pervertables

All the pervertables and activities I’ve suggested here are relatively low risk as long as you communicate with your partner, practice risk-aware consensual kink (RACK), and observe some basic safety precautions such as understanding no-hit zones.

But there are also some things you absolutely should not use as pervertables. Here are a few of them:

Cable Ties

Cable ties (also known as zip ties) are not a safe way to restrain someone. They can tighten easily, cutting off circulation or causing nerve damage. They’re also thin bands of rough plastic, meaning there’s a high risk of them cutting or chafing the skin.

Household Candles

There are different schools of thought on this. Some people say that basic, unscented paraffin wax candles are okay. My stance, though, is it’s not worth the risk. Different wax blends and quality levels burn at different temperatures and it can be hard to know what you’re getting. Instead, choose wax play candles from a reputable maker or supplier.

Fruits and Vegetables

Please don’t insert fruits and veggies into your body. They can carry harmful bacteria, pesticides, or other contaminants which can lead to irritation or infection. They can also have rough or sharp areas which can cut you. It is particularly dangerous to insert anything without a flared base anally, as it could become stuck (leading to an embarrassing emergency room visit if not a serious injury.)

This applies to virtually any household items you might be tempted to insert, by the way. There are safe(r) ways to repurpose other items or make your own sex toy, but when you can get a basic silicone dildo for under $20, it’s just not worth taking risks with unsafe items.

Bamboo Garden Canes

Tempted to reach for one of those cheap bamboo gardening canes and repurpose it as a BDSM implement? Please, please don’t. Here’s why: when bamboo breaks, it splits horizontally along the shaft. This can result in razor-sharp long edges, putting the recieving partner at risk of a deep and dangerous cut.

Scarves

Scarves, particularly those made of slippery materials like silk, are popular “beginner bondage” materials for those wanting to practice BDSM on a budget. Unfortunately, they’re also far more dangerous than you think. They can easily tighten unintentionally, cutting off circulation, causing nerve damage, or making them difficult to undo quickly. Grab some basic jute or hemp rope and learn how to do some fundamental ties instead. You’ll be much safer.

FYI: affiliate links appear in this post.