I’ve been rewatching all four seasons of Crazy Ex Girlfriend over the last couple of months. Fair warning, this post contains spoilers for all four seasons of the show, so if you haven’t seen it… More
Like so many other things, Halloween is going to look a little different this year. There won’t be any big parties, club nights, or trips to the dungeon. But there are still lots of ways you can celebrate! Since this is a sex blog, let’s look at a few fun and sexy ways you can have a fabulous Halloween at home.
Create some spooky sexy content
Whether you’re a porn performer, a cam model, or just enjoy getting a bit exhibitionistic online for the fun of it, why not create some Halloween-themed sexy content at home?
How much you want to lean into this is up to you. You could do your usual thing but swap out your regular outfits of choice for some witchy black latex, or you could get really creative and build a whole scene around a spooky scenario. Erotica writers could write some seasonal smut.
Fun fact: In researching this article, I discovered that the keyphrase “halloween porn” gets Google searched 170,000 per month on average. So what I’m saying is that there’s a market for this.
Dress up with your partner
Doing Halloween at home with your lover(s) this year? Spice (or spook) things up with some thematically-appropriate bedroom fancy dress.
Have a hot virtual party
Got a few trusted friends or playmates you’d be partying with if it was safe to do so? You can still get into the Halloween spirit with a fun online party. Get dressed up and show your outfits off to each other on cam, make some suitably ghoulish cocktails/mocktails, and maybe even have a costume contest.
Do something that scares you just a little bit
Have you got a kink you’ve always wanted to try, but been too nervous to actually go for it? The spirit of Halloween is all about playing with fear. So if you’re up for it and you want to, take the opportunity to try that thing that scares you just a little bit.
Naturally, the same rules for trying a new kink apply here. Communicate lots, do it sober, put every viable safety precaution in place, have a safeword, and only try edgy things with someone you feel completely safe with.
Have a virtual horror movie date
Virtual dates have come into their own more than ever before this year. If you’re not physically with your partner or have recently started dating someone new, you could have a virtual Halloween horror movie date.
(Or, you know, any other kind of movie. I hate horror, I’m just trying to keep this post on theme.)
You might not be able to snuggle up and hold their hand at the scary bits, but at least you can keep each other company wherever you are in the world. Looking for some inspiration? Check out this list of the sexiest horror movies.
How are you doing Halloween at home?
I’d love to hear any fun ideas you have to celebrate this year!
“A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she’s a tramp.”
– Joan Rivers
TW for sexism, references to sexual violence, slut shaming, body shaming.
It’s Different for Girls
“It’s different for girls,” they said.
Don’t go out late at night
Don’t take a different way home
Make sure your skirt’s not too short
Don’t be with a boy alone
Don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t
“It’s different for girls,” we heard.
Don’t wear your hair in a ponytail
Don’t have a second beer
Carry your keys in your fingers
Nurture the gift of fear
Be afraid be afraid be afraid
“It’s different for girls,” they told us.
Cover your body, don’t be a slut
Keep an eye on your drink
Laugh politely (but not too loudly)
“You were asking for it, don’t you think?”
“It’s different for girls,” we learned
Your body is open for public discussion
So look pretty (but don’t be a slut)
Don’t you know men only like hairless virgins?
You’ll never get a boyfriend like that.
“Boys will be boys,” they told us.
When what they really meant was
“And you will be held responsible
So you’d better start getting used to it”.
As your favourite neighbourhood #Sparklefemme, you will be unsurprised to know that I love things that are shiny and glittery. And that definely extends to sex toys. So there was no way I was going to be able to resist Lovehoney’s new Galaxy Dildo!
Reach for the stars…
Lovehoney’s new Super Soft Galaxy Dildo is a body-safe, 100% silicone dildo. It is 7 inches in total length, around 6 of which are insertable. Its diameter is a relatively slimline 1.4 inches, and it has a suction cup base.
The shape of the Galaxy Dildo can best be described as “semi realistic”. It has a smooth shaft, and then a bulbous head reminiscent of a circumcised bio cock.
Since it has no motor, the Galaxy Dildo is submersible and safe to use in water. You can use the boil sterilise method to clean it thoroughly.
I have to say that this is one of the prettiest dildos in my entire collection. The swirly pink/purple/navy silicone and silver glitter makes it look like a starry nebula and it’s truly gorgeous. Due to the nature of silicone pouring, every Galaxy Dildo will be slightly different.
How did it fare in use?
The size and shape of the Galaxy Dildo worked well for me. It’s a nice length and not too girthy (which is sometimes painful). The shaft has a very gentle natural curve. Since the toy is pretty flexible, you can bend it in whatever way works for your body.
The Galaxy Dildo’s pronounced head feels wonderful and provides amazing G-spot stimulation. The matte silicone is a little grabby, so remember to use plenty of water-based lube for a more comfortable experience.
This toy is ideal for strap-on play thanks to its large circular base. You’ll need a 1.75 inch diameter ring (which, helpfully, is one of the sizes included in both Lovehoney’s strap-on kit and the Sportsheets set of 4 spare O-rings). You can also use the Galaxy Dildo anally, if that’s your jam, since the flared base makes it anal safe.
Finally, let’s talk about that suction cup! It is, let me be clear, absurdly strong (‘ve been sitting here trying to peel it off my desk while writing!) So if you want a toy you can stick to the wall/floor/bathtub/window (hey, no judgement) for hands-free fun, the Galaxy Dildo is a great choice.
This is a really nice little toy! Many colourful, pretty silicone dildos are also really expensive, so it’s nice to see an affordable alternative. The Galaxy Dildo retails for a bargain £29.99.
Beautiful, versatile, feels great, and completely body-safe. A+ all round!
Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the Galaxy Dildo to review. All views mine, as always. Affiliate links appear in this post.
Today’s bonus post is a piece of guest smut by none other than Mr CK himself!
Content note: this is a medical play scene featuring aspects of CNC, public humiliation, voyeurism, and mindfucks. If any of those things are difficult for you, feel enormously free to skip this one. All characters are fully consenting adults!
I’ve given up, friends – after seven months of this shit, I’m making a COVID times post. So yeah, let’s talk about this clusterfuck of a year as it pertains to body image.
TW: Body struggles, weight (no numbers), fitness, mental health, COVID-19 lockdown, calorie counting (no numbers)
Did any of us think, back in February and early March, that this pandemic was going to impact pretty much every aspect of our lives? Yet here we are. October, and still no end to any of this in sight.
A lot of things in my life have changed this year, most of them directly or tangentially COVID-influenced. And in a world where a lot of things are complicated right now, one of the things that is consistently complicated is my relationship with my body image.
Based on what I’ve read, I’m far from the only person struggling with this. I speak only for myself, but if any of this resonates with you, I want you to know you’re not alone.
The COVID weight gain
My relationship with my weight is a very uneven and complicated thing. I say this with the awareness that I possess rather a lot of thin privilege compared to many folks in larger bodies. Still, I’ve also noticed a drastic change in the way the world responds to me in this body, than the way it responded to me in the (far smaller) body I had in my early 20s.
Prior to COVID hitting, I’d lost a pretty significant amount of weight and was feeling great about it. I’ve put back on…. well, not all of it, but a significant amount. And I know this is Bad Feminist and Not Body Positive of me, but I’m not really okay with it.
The reasons are obvious. No longer walking miles every day across a sprawling University campus. No pole (more on that in a minute). Comfort eating and comfort drinking and honestly, probably just the sheer body-altering impacts of living under chronic stress and low-key terror for seven months.
Breaking up with monitoring
Prior to COVID, I spent c. 4 years dipping in and out of obsessive monitoring phases where I’d track my exercise, my food, my calories, forever chasing the damned green line that said my intake/output balance was “right” that day.
I’ve completely stopped that since lockdown began. I haven’t charged my fitness tracker in months (honestly I’m not even sure where it is at this point). I no longer weigh my food
Strangely, I’ve started to find my way back to a place of equilibrium. I came into lockdown monitoring and tracking and counting, which wasn’t good for me. That gave way to comfort-consuming whatever gave me a momentary break from the SHEER FUCKING HORROR of it all. Thing is, this wasn’t good for me either.
Cake tastes better when I eat it because I actually want it, rather than because I’ve barely slept in three days and a jolt of sugar might help me keep going. I like a G&T as much as the next person, but drinking alone night after night after night in front of a screen doesn’t make you miss your friends and your family and your fucking life any more. It just makes the loneliness worse when the inevitable crash sets in.
Through all this, I seem to have – almost accidentally – hit something approaching balance. I definitely eat more of the things I want than I did when I was counting and tracking everything. And I think that’s a good thing. But I also eat what I actually want and what my body is craving, rather than using sugar and alcohol as a coping strategy.
Goddess knows I am still far from fixing my broken relationship with food. I don’t want to imply for a second that I’ve hit some magical end point. To be honest, I suspect this will be a lifelong journey. All of us, especially women and AFAB people, live in a world that polices our bodies and our food constantly. Finding balance amidst all that? Well, it’s not just a battle you win once.
I’m trying to learn to be more gentle with myself over it all. To accept that I’ll have days when I deal with food guilt and start to slide back into my old obsessive ways. To accept that I’ll also have days where my depression tells me to just lie on the couch and eat my body weight in candy. Both are okay. Both are things I can learn to recognise and work with.
Finding ways to keep fit that feel good
When I found pole dancing in early 2019, I knew I’d finally found a means of exercise that was not only bearable, but brought me joy every time I did it. Of course, I haven’t been able to go dancing since early March (the studio only reopened a couple weeks ago, and my partner and I both feel it’s not sufficiently COVID-safe right now.)
In a world where I can’t do that, I kind of lost motivation to keep fit. It took me a while to even want to do anything else. I tried a few online workouts and didn’t really get on with any of them. The wrong level, absurdly punishing even when labelled as “for beginners”, or just accompanied by too much casual body-shaming commentary.
I was perhaps the last trying-to-keep-fit-on-the-internet person in the entire world to discover Yoga with Adriene. I’ve been working my way through her 30 day challenge for beginners. I’m certainly not going to become a “yoga fixes all things” devotee anytime soon, but I definitely feel physically stronger and mentally more grounded after doing sessions most days for the last few weeks.
What I like about Adriene is the way that she totally decouples the practice of yoga from being about changing your body. Her catchphrase/rallying cry is “find what feels good”. Even her “Yoga for Weight Loss,” which I will admit is how I first found her channel, isn’t really about weight loss.
I also stumbled across a Youtube video that convinced me of the joys of hula-hooping. I bought a hoop and have been doing 15 minutes a day in front of the TV. It’s silly and it’s playful and it’s easy to work up a sweat and feel awesome while my mind is focused on something else (in this case, reruns of Crazy Ex Girlfriend.)
All this to say that finding ways to keep fit in lockdown has been challenging, frustrating, but ultimately pretty rewarding.
Though I’ll still be much happier when I can hang upside down from a pole in just my underwear surrounded by badass women again.
Not having to get dressed up is a mixed blessing
Clothing and appearance and dressing up has always been a bit of a minefield for me. As your friendly resident #Sparklefemme, I love all things fancy and glittery and just that little bit extra. However, the combination of not having a body shape that mainstream fashion really understands, coupled with eclectic tastes and being basically broke until I was 26, means that shopping for clothes is… complex, at best.
Honestly, not having to think so much about what I’m going to wear every day has been freeing. I have pretty much worked in some combination of pyjamas, yoga pants, and oversized t-shirts every day since March, and I’m not sorry. Being able to prioritise comfort over dressing “acceptably” has been a blessing during an incredibly stressful time.
On the other hand, not having any real opportunity to get dressed up and sparkle has made me realise how much I miss it. Sure, I could don glitter at home, but it’s not worth the effort if it’s for no occasion. I’ve thought about wearing the catsuit on a Zoom call, but it just doesn’t feel joyful in the same way when it’s just me, my home office, and a grainy camera. I could put on a tight skirt, but where’s the fun if I can’t flirt with a stranger?
I like valuing my body and physicality as far more than a decoration… but sometimes I want to be fucking decorative, damnit! I’ve been kinda dealing with this by playing with nudes and taking more lingerie selfies.
One of the little but powerful self-care rituals I’ve cultivated in lockdown has been to start dying my hair again. For the last several years in jobs in which any non-natural colour was considered “unprofessional,” I’d often look in the mirror and long for my luscious purple locks of old. When I finally did it again, watching the gorgeous, vibrant colour emerge in all its glory as I blow-dried my hair, I felt like me again.
We have to find small joys and small ways to love ourselves in these times. It just happens that one of my small joys lives in a bottle of violet hair dye. I might not love my shape or my fitness level right now, but at least I can love this one little thing.
What I’m trying to say is… it’s complicated
It’s complicated and it’s many-faceted and it’s a work in progress. I have mostly come to terms, at this point, with the idea that it’s probably always going to be kind of complicated, and it’s always going to be a work in progress.
I can’t wake up one morning like “wahey, I love my body now!” If only it were that simple. Instead, it’s more likely to be a lifetime of steps forward and slips back, of progress and challenges, of days where it feels easy and days where it feels hard.
If lockdown taught me one thing about body image, it’s that body image isn’t static and it isn’t a one way journey.
“We had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”
– Louis de Bernieres (from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin)
I won’t knock New Relationship Energy for a second. It’s fun and it’s wonderful. Who doesn’t love that part at the beginning of a new relationship, where you’re feeling each other out, learning each other’s bodies and minds, figuring out how you fit?
But for me, the best things in a relationship have always come with time. Things like learning how to move around each other in the kitchen as we make a meal together. Knowing exactly what treat to bring back from the store to make the other’s day a bit brighter. Hearing I love you in words like “drive safely” and “you need to rest“. A whole shared language of jokes, memories, experiences, trips, fights and resolutions, fucks, films, friends, and so much more.
And sex with someone I’ve loved forever? For me, that’s where the really good stuff is. When there’s no pressure to be perfect. No worries about what if we don’t fit, what if it doesn’t work, what if what if what if…
No fear I won’t be good enough, because they’ve already seen me at my worst and they still love me. Knowing that if I don’t come, they won’t think my body is too finicky or complicated. Knowing that if a body makes an unsexy noise, we’ll laugh it off and carry on. Being 100% certain that if I say no, they’ll respect it and still love me. Not being scared to take my clothes off, because I know they find me hot, stretch marks and body hair and all.
All other things being equal, I’d far rather have sex with someone whose body I know. Someone who knows mine. The creativity that comes with keeping the lust and the spark alive over years. Morning sex when we’re still half asleep, afternoon sex when we’re both working from home, giggly sex when we’re just on the right side of tipsy, sex club sex when we’re getting off on showing off.
I’ve never understood people who think long-term relationships are boring, that forever love is unexciting, or that sex with someone you’ve loved for years has to be less passionate.
So yes, casual sex is fun and NRE is wonderful. Give me the breathless excitement of fucking someone for the first time. Give me the heart-skipping moment when one of us finally moves to kiss the other. Bring it on – I love that stuff. The ability to enjoy that stuff over and over, without hurting anyone, is part of why I’m polyamorous.
But more than that? Far more than that, give me waking up next to someone I’ve loved for years. Bodies that can keep rediscovering each other every time we come together, again and again and again for years. Give me the two puzzle pieces that know they fit together.
Give me roots that have grown together underground. In the face of all that, the pretty blossom is just decoration.
This piece was written for Quote Quest, a new weekly meme by Little Switch Bitch. Click the button to see who else was inspired by this week’s quote! And if today’s piece resonated with you, you can always buy me a coffee to say thanks!
“I believe we should say it like it is. Intimate discomfort sucks. It’s unbearable. It causes shame and disconnection. You deserve to feel good, to reconnect, to break down the shame, and get back to your sensual self.”
– Kathie Bishop, Into the Wylde Founder
I met Kathie, the founder of Into the Wylde and creator of Wylde One lubricant, in London at Eroticon 2018. (Goodness, that seems like a long time ago now, doesn’t it?) I was excited to learn about what she was trying to do with the company. A woman-led, sex-positive company creating intimate products with health, comfort, and pleasure in mind? Hell yeah, sign me up!
Well, I just received a sample of Into the Wylde’s debut product, Wylde One intimate lubricant, and I can’t wait to tell you folks all about it.
Those of you who have been reading my work for a while will know that I’m very, very picky about lube. Most of the commercial lubes on the market, I simply will not use. Why? Because they’re filled with yucky ingredients that are really bad for our genitals and bodies.
From glycerine (which can cause thrush and yeast infections in people with vulvas, amongst other problems,) to parabens (which are hormone disruptors and possibly carcinogenic,) lubes are often filled with all kinds of nasties. I’ve personally experienced burning and irritation of my vulva caused by poor quality lube in the past. Highly unsexy. Do not recommend!
Why is Wylde One Different?
Wylde One is a genuinely body-friendly lube. Into the Wylde founder Kathie is a practising medical herbalist, specialising in vaginal health. This means that she created Wylde One from a basis of a strong understanding of the body’s physiology and how it can be affected by various ingredients. Wylde One is a water-based lubricant with 99% natural and 97% organic ingredients. The full list of plant-based ingredients is listed on the website and on each tube. It’s based around ingredients like aloe vera, marigold, oat, and white nettle extracts.
But Wylde One goes further than just natural, body-friendly ingredients. It is formulated with a low molar concentration, which means that it does not draw natural lubrication out of the vaginal tissues. It also matches the typical pH level of a healthy vagina, at around pH4, and has undergone rigorous testing to ensure it is non-toxic to the body’s cells.
There’s a small possibility of an allergic reaction if you’re sensitive to the Asteraceae family of plants (which includes plants like sunflowers and daisies.) Otherwise, you can use Wylde One with confidence.
Good for the Planet as Well as Your Body
Wylde One’s packaging is made from a plastic/wood composite from renewable sources, making it 100% recyclable to reduce waste. The tubes are BPA-free, and the lube carries the Soil Association stamp of approval for its organic status.
Wylde One is also certified vegan, approved by the Vegan Society. It contains no animal-derived ingredients, and neither the product nor its ingredients were tested on animals at any point in the manufacturing process.
Personally, as a vegetarian I refuse to buy any cosmetics that have been tested on animals. So it’s lovely to have an option for completely cruelty-free lube.
I received my Wylde One sample in plain, discreet packaging. Inside was a 75ml tube of the lubricant, plus ten little one-use sample sachets. These minis are particularly useful for travel and I’ll be popping them in my date night/sex club trip kit bag (when we can eventually go on dates and to sex clubs again! *sob*)
My tube of Wylde One lube was attractively wrapped in dark green tissue paper and sealed with a branded sticker:
Included are some informational postcards that tell you a little more about the product and company.
Into the Wylde’s packaging is genuinely gorgeous! The brand colours are dark green and pink, a striking combination that brings to mind a garden on a summer day. The artwork, based on abstract line-drawings of a nude woman surrounded by flowers, is similarly lovely. The overall aesthetic is stylish and inviting.
This is perhaps the closest I’ve ever found to a lube that mimics the body’s natural lubrication. It feels lovely on my skin, and when it dries you can barely tell it was ever there. It’s non-sticky and, since it doesn’t suck away the body’s natural lubrication, a little bit goes a long way.
Also, while I’m not saying you should use lube as moisturiser, the back of my hand where I did my initial skin-test felt lovely and soft afterwards. Just saying.
Wylde One is compatible with both latex and non-latex barriers, so you can use it with confidence for safer sex. Since it’s water-based, it is also compatible with all body-safe sex toy materials including silicone, stainless steel, wood, glass, ceramic, and ABS plastic. I tested it extensively with my favourite toys, including my Doxy and Nocturnal Bullet. Unlike many lubes I’ve used, it doesn’t leave an unpleasant sticky residue on my toys after play.
Since Wylde One is water-based, it’s easy to clean off both your toys and body with warm water and gentle soap. Bonus: it won’t stain your sheets!
Taste and Smell
Have you ever noticed how many commercial sexual lubes taste horrible? (And yes, I’m including “flavoured” lubes in that – aspartame and fake strawberry flavour is not a tasty combo, thanks!) I prefer my lubes to have as little taste as possible so that I can use them for oral sex without masking the natural deliciousness of my partner’s body.
So I am pleased to report that Wylde One has virtually no taste that I can discern. I stuck a blob of it on my hand and licked it off to do a real taste-test. Being a sex blogger is endlessly sexy all the time, y’all. The best way I can describe it is that it has a very slight detectable tang, nothing more.
Fun fact: the tangy taste is due to the formulation being balanced with a natural vaginal pH4, which is fairly acidic. Sex and science, y’all!
The smell is similarly light and unobtrusive. It has a very mild sweet/sour smell that sort of reminds me of lemon.
I’m a convert.
As I said at the beginning, I’m very picky about lubes. Prior to this, there was one brand I would buy, and perhaps two others I would use if available but not purchase for myself. But now I have a new favourite! Good for your body, good for the planet, and created by a small, women-led business – what’s not to love?
You can purchase Wylde One lube directly from Into the Wylde. A 75ml tube costs £11.99 (and shipping is free in the UK.) Since a little goes a long way, a tube will last you ages.
Heads up: this review was sponsored. However, that does not impact my views, which are and will always be my own. Official product image used with permission, all over images by me.
Happy Rabbit is Lovehoney’s own-brand range of silicone rabbit vibrators. I received and reviewed the Thrusting Rabbit when the range was first released two years ago, and loved it. So I was hopping for joy when the Happy Rabbit Realistic landed on my doorstep as part of my Camp Lovehoney goodie bag.
Prick up your ears…
(I can’t promise this one isn’t going to be full of bunny puns, okay?)
The Happy Rabbit Realistic is a black rabbit-style vibrator. It is made of body-safe, squishy silicone. This latest iteration is actually a redesign of the original Realistic Happy Rabbit, based on customer feedback. The new design features a more pronounced head and thicker, firmer “bunny ears” for clitoral stimulation.
Lovehoney describes the Happy Rabbit Realistic as “non-threatening [in] size” which… lol. The first thing I thought when I took this toy out of its packaging was, “yikes, this thing is huge.” It’s actually about 10 inches in total length and 6 inches insertable, with a diameter of 1.7 inches at the widest point.
The Happy Rabbit Realistic is rechargeable via the included cable, and waterproof for bath/shower fun and ease of cleaning. It also features a travel lock for peace of mind if you want to take it with you when you go on holiday.
(Lol, who goes on holiday any more? #COVIDTimes)
The Happy Rabbit Realistic contains two motors, one in the shaft and one in the ears. You can control them both completely independently via the simple two-button interface.
The top button has up/down features to scroll through the 15 patterns in the shaft, while the bottom button switches between the three speed settings in the ears. The bottom button is easy to press, while the top one requires you to be a bit more firm with it.
There are two things I need to use this toy comfortably: a decent amount of warm-up, and a lot of lube.
While some of you might have read those size stats and gone “hah, that’s nothing,” I’m not really a size queen when it comes to solo play. To be honest, I rarely use insertables during masturbation at all – I’m a clit stim girl. So, yeah, this is not a toy I can just plug-and-play with, so to speak.
Since the Happy Rabbit Realistic is silicone, it’s compatible with your favourite water-based lube.
The silicone of the main shaft is lovely and squishy, making it comfortable once it’s inserted. The shaft also has a good deal of flex, which is ideal for angling the toy just right. All our bodies are different, and the right positioning for me won’t be the right positioning for you. The flexibility makes this toy friendly to a wider range of bodies.
I love the pronounced shape of the head, which mimics a circumcised bio cock (hence “realistic”.) Its shape is perfect for G-spot stimulation for me, especially coupled with the flexible shaft.
Since I don’t like vibrations internally, I leave the motor in the shaft switched off and just enjoy the combination of G-spot pressure and clitoral vibrations.
When it comes to power, the Happy Rabbit Realistic delivers. Those little bunny ears pack a serious punch, starting from a low rumble and rising to an impressive intensity. Since the two ears are flexible, you can position them however you like – directly on your clit, to one side, over the hood, or surrounding and “hugging” it.
I’m again impressed with the Happy Rabbit line. All the products are body-safe, relatively affordable, and offer an impressive level of power. Most importantly, I can get off with them quickly and reliably. A-Plus yet again!
The Happy Rabbit Realistic retails for £69.99.
Thanks to Lovehoney for gifting me this toy! Buying through my affiliate links in this post supports my work at no extra cost to you by sending a small commission my way. All views, as ever, are my own.
I’m writing this as part of the Smutathon 2020 writing challenge in aid of Endometriosis UK. We’re coming to the end of hour number 10, with two more to go.
This one is inspired by this week’s Quote Quest prompt:
“Change your conception of yourself and you will automatically change the world in which you live. Do not try to change people; they are only messengers telling you who you are. Revalue yourself and they will confirm the change.”
– Neville Goddard
I’ve done a lot of work on changing my perception of myself over the last few years, particularly since leaving my abusive partner just over 5 years ago.
So here are some of the things I used to believe about myself but don’t believe any more.
I have a low sex drive
Turns out I DON’T have a low sex drive – if anything, my libido is on the higher side (depression notwithstanding). I just thought I had a low sex drive for a long time, because I was in relationships where I didn’t feel empowered own my sexuality.
The first two men I had long-term relationships with both conceptualised my sexuality as something they could – should – own. They both placed a high value on “purity” and “innocence”, expecting me to stay a timid, shy creature forever. They wanted my availability, but my actual desire was somewhere between “irrelevant” and “mildly distasteful”.
I don’t have a low libido at all. No – I just need to be with people who value it.
I can’t leave a relationship
This is probably the most toxic and harmful thing I used to believe about myself. I believed this one for years. Prided myself on it, even. However bad things got, I told myself, I wouldn’t be the one to leave.
Loyalty and commitments are values I hold very close to my heart and take very seriously. But loyalty and commitment have limits. Eventually, even the most devoted person will be pushed too far. It wasn’t actually a virtue to stay in a relationship with someone who continually harmed me. It was a symbol of a profound degredation of my personal boundaries and self esteem.
Now, I know that if I am not being treated well, I will leave. And as a result, I’m in healthier relationships.
I’m too difficult to love
This was another narrative my abuser put into my head. He convinced me that I was inherently difficult to love because of my mental illness, trauma, and – frankly – my reasonable and sane negative reactions to the ways he treated me.
Another part of the reason I stayed so long? Because he convinced me that no-one else would love me the way he did. That I was “poison” and “cursed” (his words) and that he was doing me a huge favour by putting up with me.
The reality? I’m no more difficult to love than anyone else. We all have our “stuff” and in any long-term, commited relationship it will sometimes feel challenging. But no-one is too difficult to love. Especially not due to things like illness or trauma.
I’m defined by my trauma
It would be a lie to say that my trauma hasn’t changed me. Of course it has. No-one can come out of a long-term abusive relationship unscathed. The fact is that I do not know who I would have been without that experience.
But that doesn’t mean I am defined by my trauma. It is a part of me, but it is not me. I’m many things, and a survivor is one of them – an important one. But not all there is. Not by a long shot.
Yeah, this is something I really used to believe about myself at one time. Seems strange now.
If you haven’t donated to Smutathon 2020’s charity yet, please do so now! We’re into the last couple hours and we really need your support. (If you read this in the week or so following the event, the page will still be open).
I wasn’t kidding when I said y’all delivered with the prompts! To that end, for my third post of Smutathon 2020, here are five more smutty flash fictions inspired by the one- and two-word prompts I requested on Twitter.
(Prompt: “biscuits,” offered by @V_greyauthor)
My wife fucks other men.
She does it with my blessing. In fact, I really, really enjoy it. Knowing that she’s out getting laid, while I’m at home wondering what she’s up to and who with, makes me so fucking hard I can hardly stand it. Which, of course, is the idea.
I’m not allowed to get myself off while she’s out. She expects me to be hard and waiting when she gets home. Her sex drive is such that half the time, getting laid just makes her hornier for more. If she’s in the mood when she gets home, she’ll push me down on the bed and ride me until I explode inside of her recently-fucked cunt, then have me eat her out until she comes two or three more times.
Of course, sometimes she’s too tired when she gets home. Then I have to wait until the next day. On those nights, I go to sleep with my cock throbbing, aching for release.
Whatever happens, we always end the night cuddling, eating biscuits, and talking about her adventures.
My wife fucks other men, and I get off on it. But I also love knowing I’m the only one she’ll come home and eat biscuits in bed with.
(Prompt: “you wish,” offered by @makeupandsin)
Unrequited love is the fucking worst.
He doesn’t want me. He’s never wanted me. I know the kind of women he dates, and they’re nothing like me. Truth is, feeding this hopeless crush – this hopeless love – turns me the fuck on. It’s like a bruise I can’t stop poking. The little jolt of emotionally masochistic pleasure is addictive.
Night after night I lie in bed, rubbing my clit and thinking of him. I imagine him pinning me to the bed with those strong, muscular arms. Sometimes, in my fantasy, he tells me I’m beautiful and he loves me. Other times, he tells me I’m a filthy little slut and it’s pathetic how long and how obviously I’ve mooned over him.
I’ve tried to train myself out of this habit. I’ve tried to read erotica, watch porn, fantasise about other men, fantasise about women. But it always comes back to him. Even if I manage to get into another fantasy, at the point that I reach the point of orgasm it’s always his face I see, his voice I hear.
Unrequited love is the worst, but thinking of him gives me the best orgasms I’ve ever had.
(Prompt: “once more,” offered by @QueerCourtesan)
(TW: CNC, forced orgasm)
He buries his fingers deeper into me, pounding my G-spot. “Again,” he orders. I don’t want to obey the order, but my body is conditioned to do as he says.
“Fucking do it, slut.”
He’s made me come so many times already that I am long past the point of pleasure. This is what he does after he’s denied me for a long time – forces the orgasms out of me until I beg for it to stop. The first one is blissful relief. The second and third, satiating pleasure. After that, I start to get oversensitive. By six or seven, it hurts. We passed ten a while ago and I’ve lost count.
The torment comes from knowing this is a game I can’t win. As soon as I safeword, he’ll stop. However, until then, he’ll make me come as many times as he likes. Every forced orgasm takes one day off my next chastity sentence, which starts at six months.
“Again.” The orgasm racks my body, making me buck my hips off the bed as another rush of wetness leaks out of me.
“Again. Again. Again.” This time, they’re in such quick succession that I don’t have time to catch my breath between.
“Red!” The word slips out of my mouth before I can pause to decide if I can take any more of this torment in exchange for a shorter period of denial.
“Seventeen. You did well this time. Your sentence is reduced to five months and fourteen days.”
(Prompt: “your turn,” offered by @WitchoftheWands)
Master likes to share me with his friends at these parties. I love it, too, of course. It satisfies my slutty tendences without me feeling like I’m putting our D/s dynamic aside.
They’re all trusted friends, experienced in the lifestyle and trusted by Master with his favourite toy – me. I have a safeword, of course, but until I use it, they can do whatever they want with me.
Sometimes they want to spank me, bending me over their laps and reddening my ass in front of the whole room. Sometimes they just want service, sending me to fetch their drinks or shine their shoes.
I like it best when they want to fuck me. It seems that that’s what tonight is going to be. Being at the centre of a gangbang, with five or six men who all want me desperately. I might be the submissive, but god it makes me feel powerful.
The second man of the night is fucking me and I can tell he’s getting close to coming. I watch his muscles tense, listen to his incredibly fucking sexy groans. I won’t come unless one of them decides to be kind enough to give me the clitoral stimulation I need. But that’s okay. I get more satisfaction out of service than I do from orgasm.
When they’ve all finished with me, I know that Master will use me last. He’s happy to share, but at the end of the night, we both need the reminder that I’m his.
(Prompt: “swords,” offered by @just_a_gremlin)
I never knew her name.
We met in the queer bar downtown the first week I moved here. I didn’t ask her name, and she didn’t offer it or ask for mine. Her hair was shoulder length and dyed the colour of blood. She had a sword tattoo on her left arm.
She kissed me on the dance floor with lips that tasted of vodka and coke. Later, she pushed me up against the wall in a locked bathroom cubicle, pressing her fingers to my lips to keep me quiet and sliding my other hand down the front of my skirt.
Her fingers manipulated my cunt until I squirmed helplessly against her hand. When she made me come, she kissed me to swallow the sound I made. I wanted to reciprocate, but she didn’t want me to. She kissed me once more and slipped away into the night, leaving me still trembling.
I haven’t seen her since, but every time I come to the club, I still look out for a flash of scarlet hair and a sword tattoo.
I hope you enjoyed these smutty flash fictions! Thank you to everyone who offered a prompt. Please donate to Endometriosis UK using the link above!