On my last call with the lovely Francesca, who owns The Pleasure Garden inclusive sex shop, we discussed which strap-on compatible dildos I might want to review in some companion pieces to my Spareparts Joque… More
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Long Distance Polyamory: 5 Ways I Nurture My Long Distance Relationship [Polyamory Conversation Cards #21]
Long distance relationships can be hard, and that reality is no different in long distance polyamory. My girlfriend Em lives far enough away that we have to get on a plane to see each other (though close enough that we’re able to do so about once a month, and thankfully on a route with relatively cheap airfare, which is a huge blessing!)
As a result, we’ve had to get really good at growing, nurturing, and maintaining a long distance relationship. Though it’s probably more accurate to say I have had to get really good at these things – she already had these skills in spades due to also being in long-distance connections with her other partners.
In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.
This week’s card asks:
“How much and in what way would you ideally communicate with your partner(s) when you’re not physically together?”
I have no actual statistics to back this up, but my impression is that long distance relationships are more common in polyamory than monogamy. This is probably at least partly due to the fluidity polyamory affords, and the ability to enjoy each connection for what it is without needing it to fulfill all our needs.
In particular, long distance polyamory is unique in that many people in our community maintain long distance relationships for years or decades with no intention of ever living in the same place. Many of these relationships are happy, loving, committed, and serious.
5 Ways I Nurture My Long Distance Relationship
Before I met Em I thought it would be very difficult, if not impossible, for me to be happy in a long-term long distance relationship. But, like so many others, she’s blown that assumption completely out of the water in the best possible way.
Turns out that, with mutual attentiveness, high levels of emotional intelligence, and great communication skills, it’s possible to feel fulfilled – emotionally, romantically, sexually, relationally – in a relationship with someone who lives on a different landmass.
So what does that actually look like? Here are five of the ways we do it and some tips on how you might want to approach nurturing your long distance relationship (whether it’s polyamorous or monogamous.)
Setting Aside Focused Quality Time
We were laughing the other day about the fact that we schedule regular video call dates, but in reality we end up spending a minimum of an hour a day on the phone together most days anyway. This kind of quality time, whether it happens spontaneously or is planned, allows us to take some time to focus on each other and nurturing our relationship.
There are numerous ways you can do this. You might do a remote activity together, like watching a film or playing an online game, have phone sex (more on that in a minute), or just spend the time catching up and chatting. What matters is to figure out what works for you and your partner.
Including Each Other in Our Day to Day Lives
I love sending Em “outfit of the day” selfies (#femme4femme life amirite?) and I love when we send each other pictures and updates on whatever we happen to be doing, whether it’s working or cooking or travelling or spending time with friends.
One of the hardest things about long distance can be feeling separate and apart from each other’s everyday world. Taking the time to intentionally include each other makes our relationship feel more like a part of our daily lives and less like a part-time connection or a “holiday” from real life.
Intentional time, of the kind I talked about in the section above, is vital in a long distance relationship. But it’s just as important to have these smaller touch-points throughout the day.
Always Having the Next Visit Planned
Saying goodbye at the end of a visit is hard, but it would be infinitely harder if I didn’t know when I was going to see her again. We’re both planners, so always having the next visit in the diary is a breeze (and right now, writing this in early March, we have plans through August.) As someone who likes certainty in my relationships as far as possible, it helps enormously with feeling secure.
It also helps that we both take proactive roles in suggesting things to do and making plans, ensuring that the burden doesn’t disproportionately fall on either of us. Relationship logistics are a group project, y’all.
This might not be possible in every long distance relationship, of course. But if it’s feasible for you, I highly recommend it. I can’t overstate the difference it makes, turning parting from a moment of sadness to a bittersweet “I’ll miss you but we already have something else wonderful to look forward to.”
Getting Really Good at Phone Sex
I’ve long believed that phone sex, cyber sex, and sexting are all a form of real sexual relationship. And in a long distance dynamic, they can be an absolute godsend. Of course, it’s not quite the same as being in the same room as my love, being able to touch her and kiss her. But a hot encounter on the phone is an amazing way to keep a sexual connection alive across the miles. It’s also a form of weeks-long foreplay, ensuring we can’t wait to jump on each other when we’re together in person.
If you’re kinky, you can keep a D/s dynamic alive in a long distance relationship with remote play sessions, instructions, tasks, or pictures/videos. And if they’re your thing, phone sex with your long distance partner is the kind of situation that app-controlled vibrators are perfect for!
When I started dating Em and it became apparent that phone sex was going to be a part of our relationship, I delved back into Kate Sloan’s archives on this topic over on her blog, Girly Juice. Kate is one of the sex nerds and writers I admire immensely. Her phone sex content is a treasure-trove of tips and ideas, and I highly recommend it.
Building a Shared Relationship Language
Each relationship – whether local or long distance, monogamous or polyamorous – has its own language built from shared experiences, in-jokes, adventures had and challenges overcome. We build these languages word by word, sentence by sentence, and they start to come together to form the identity of a relationship.
In long distance relationship, I’ve found this shared language and shared identity of “us” to be even more crucial. Whether we’re giggling over something goofy that would lose all meaning if we tried to translate it for someone else, ranting about our shared political beliefs, or getting teary eyed together over a song that feels like it was written for us, all of these little pieces are something to hang onto on the days when the miles just seem too big and the weeks seem too long.
If you enjoy my work, please follow me on Bluesky or buy me a coffee!
Sexual Incompatibility in a Relationship: Is Polyamory the Answer? [Polyamory Conversation Cards #20]
Sexual incompatibility in a relationship can take many forms. Perhaps you have a much higher or lower libido than your partner. Maybe you’re kinky and they’re not, you’re asexual and they’re not, or you’re in a mixed-orientation relationship. Perhaps your kinks, fetishes, or sexual interests don’t overlap. One of you might be unable or unwilling to have sex for reasons relating to physical or mental health, trauma, aging, or disability, while the other still desires sex.
Sexual incompatibility can be a tricky thing to navigate, and an even harder thing to overcome. It’s also one of the reasons that formerly-monogamous couples might consider opening up a relationship to polyamory, swinging, or another form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM.)
But is polyamory actually a solution for sexual incompatibility? That’s a difficult question.
In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.
This week’s card asks:
“What sexual activities would you prefer your partner(s) to explore with someone else than you?”
Sexual variety is definitely one of the reasons I’m polyamorous, though it’s far from the only (or main) reason. I enjoy getting to have sexual adventures with different people, and getting to connect with people naturally in the way that feels right for us, whether that connection involves a sexual component or not. I have a lot of sexual desires, kinks, and interests, and polyamory allows me to meet those needs and wants with different people.
Another reason I love being polyamorous, though? It also allows my partners to get certain needs met outside our relationship.
Let’s take it out of the sexual realm for a second to illustrate what I mean. I realise I might lose my Polyamorist Card for this admission but… I don’t play Dungeons & Dragons and I’m not that into board games. My nesting partner, though, loves those things. If we were monogamous I might feel bad that I couldn’t share those interests with him, or be tempted to force myself into taking part in activities I don’t enjoy. As it is, though, he can enjoy those things with his girlfriend and everyone is happy.
Sex is much the same way. Realistically, it’s very unlikely that desires, kinks, and needs will overlap 100% in any sexual relationship. Being polyamorous takes that pressure off, allowing each relationship to find its own sexual groove. When I know that my partners can also meet their sexual needs in other relationships, I don’t feel guilty or inadequate because of the things I can’t provide for them.
But does that mean polyamory is the answer to sexual incompatibility in a relationship that was formerly monogamous? Not necessarily.
Will Meeting Your Sexual Needs Elsewhere Actually Help?
After everything I’ve just said about polyamory being a wonderful way to explore different sexual needs with different people, I have to add on this enormous caveat: for me and for many people, sexual desire for a person isn’t transferrable.
What do I mean by that?
If I want to experience a particular act, I can probably meet that need with any partner with whom I have a sufficiently healthy and trusting relationship. But if what I’m craving is sex with Partner A, then sex with Partner B will probably be very nice but won’t actually address that desire.
Of course, no-one ever owes you sex. If what you actually desire is sex with your partner specifically, and they’re unwilling or unable to meet that desire, polyamory or non-monogamy is unlikely to help. Better options might be to explore together to find other ways to connect intimately, to adjust your expectations for the relationship and make peace with the situation (perhaps meeting your sexual needs through solo sex and fantasy), or to end the relationship.
It’s also okay if sexual intimacy is a core component of any romantic relationship for you. And if it is, a relationship that is sexually incompatible on a long-term basis is probably a relationship you won’t be able to be happy in, even if you also have other sexual relationships. (As fabulous sex blogger Kate Sloan wrote, “it’s okay to break up because of sex!“)
Would You Want to be Non-Monogamous if it Weren’t for This Incompatibility?
If the answer to this question is no, then you probably don’t actually want to be non-monogamous. Polyamory and non-monogamy are things you should pursue because you desire them for their own sake, because they align with your values, and because they represent how you want to live your life. They’re not a bandage for things that are missing in your existing relationship.
Opening up a relationship because of problems or deficiencies within it is almost always a bad idea. The experienced polyamorists amongst us have seen this approach, and seen it go wrong, so many times that we have a name for it: “relationship broken; add more people.”
Is the Problem Actually Sex, or Something Else?
Sexual incompatibility can certainly be a relationship issue in itself. However, it can also be a symptom of other problems. So before you leap into opening up, why not sit down with your partner and have a conversation about what your sexual incompatibility means and what it is telling you?
Sexual incompatibility that has been there since the beginning, or that is due to a fundamental aspect of identity such as asexuality, is unlikely to change. However, sexual incompatibility that has emerged over the course of your relationship can be a symptom of all kinds of things.
Physical health issues, mental health struggles such as depression, pain during sex, hormonal changes, stress, trauma, broken trust in the relationship, resentments over other conflicts or relationship problems, or one partner coming into a new understanding of their sexual orientation or gender identity are just some of the things that can be at the root of sexual incompatibility in a relationship.
Many of these issues can be worked through with mutual willingness, shared effort, plenty of love and kindness, and possibly an appropriately qualified therapist. Others likely spell the end of the road for your relationship, signalling that it’s time to peacefully part ways. Only you two know which is true for you.
So When Can Polyamory or Non-Monogamy Be a Solution to Sexual Incompatibility?
Sexual incompatibility, like so many aspects of relationships, is complex. If you’re sexually incompatible but want to stay together, there is unlikely to be one quick or easy fix. It will require lots of time and effort on both sides.
With all of that said, polyamory or non-monogamy can sometimes be one possible way to navigate maintaining a happy, healthy relationship when you’re sexually incompatible.
It could be a good option for you if…
- You would both still like the idea of polyamory or non-monogamy as a relationship structure, relationship orientation, or lovestyle even if you had great sexual compatibility with each other.
- You’ve talked about what opening up would mean for your relationship – the challenges, changes, pitfalls, and fears as well as the opportunities.
- You’re able to have open and vulnerable conversations about your relationships, sex, and your feelings.
- You’ve done your research – read the books, listened to the podcasts, gone to the meet-ups, made polyamorous friends, and learned the theory.
- You’ve worked on decoupling/disentangling, learning to view yourselves as two autonomous individuals in a relationship rather than a single unit.
- You’re willing to sit with uncomfortable feelings, communicate, and maintain personal boundaries rather than relying on rules and restrictions to keep you safe.
- You are ready to treat incoming partners well, work to eliminate or minimise hierarchy, and actively dismantle couples’ privilege.
In general, opening up a relationship to polyamory or non-monogamy should feel like the next exciting step on an adventure you’re taking, both together and as individuals. It should not feel like an ultimatum, a proverbial gun to the head, or the only way to bring a dying relationship back from the brink.
And sure, sometimes sexual incompatibility can be the catalyst for transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy. But it’s rarely the only catalyst, and it’s certainly not a quick fix or an easy solution.
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[Guest Post] The Demisexual Slut by Lexie Bee
Today’s guest blog comes from Lexie Bee (she/her), a new writer to C&K! Lexie is here to talk about her journey to understanding her demisexual identity and the role that emotional intimacy plays in her sexual attractions.
In brief, a person is demisexual if they only experience sexual attraction in the context of emotional intimacy. Demisexuality is part of the asexual (ace) spectrum and some consider it one form that greysexuality. The header image for this post shows the demisexual pride flag.
I can’t believe that in over 8 years of this site, I’ve never published a piece about demisexuality! It’s time we rectified that.
Amy x
The Demisexual Slut by Lexie Bee
I’ve been dating since I was 4 years old—I was something of an “early bloomer” in that department. It’s hard to tell if liking boys was a chicken or an egg situation; was my attraction to them something I’d possessed since the womb, or had I acquired it during my hyper-feminized childhood upbringing? All I’ve ever known is that if there’s a boy, I should be interested.
This ideology led me to be a smallish, slightly sizable super romantic:
I was in love with love.
Having a boyfriend was always on my mind, even before I hit puberty.
In preschool, there was…
– Bradley, a spiky blonde-haired boy who would kiss my hand under the pre-K playhouse.
And in elementary…
– Eric, the little Black boy in my Bible school class who gave me a necklace.
– Kyhlen and Noah, the only two Black boys in 4th grade (which meant I had to like them, since y’know, I was one of the only Black girls in the 4th grade class—and Cultural-CompHet was a lesson many years in the future.)
In middle school…
– Raymond, a sunkissed and freckled country boy who played the fiddle next to me in orchestra.
– Bailey, Joseph, and Tyler, the aptly aged trio of 6th, 7th, and 8th graders who were childhood friends in my neighborhood and simultaneously pining for my affection.
And in high school, I fell for Nathaniel and Seth and Devin and Ryan and Grady and Alex…
…In college, Corbin and Mitch and Josh and Jack…
…After college, Duncan and Ben and Daniel…
And about 50 or so others!
Yes, the Autism in me made a list of EVERY guy who had a romantic tie to me, based on the central premise of the book The Boyfriend List by E. Lockhart.
Maybe it was because I always felt inferior in both the looks and personality departments, or maybe it was because I saw the world through bubblegum pink glasses. But all I knew is that I wanted to be wanted.
It was the one never-ending quest: to find my Happily Ever After.
I didn’t discover that I had ADHD or very unhealthy anxiety until I was 19 and having a mental breakdown after my first year of college. It wouldn’t be until I was 24 that someone would tell me they thought I was on the spectrum, and that everyone else “thought I knew.” For my 25th birthday, I discovered that my surely delusional paranoia would be validated as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.
In other words, I’ve always been something of an awkward, oddly-behaved duck.
But without even realizing it, I had become an avid hyper-fixator on two of the most universal concepts of them all:
LOVE & SEX.
My first boyfriend was deemed a dork who would be forever alone. And I was the girl-dork who, people assumed, would also be forever alone. So we decided to date. If you can’t beat ‘em, outsmart them. Play to win.
There was a sort of power in being able to tell others I was spoken for, even if by the least desired guy around. It meant that no matter how uncool I was, I was at least cool enough to score a date. This social currency would carry me into my adulthood. So, like anyone who becomes an expert in their field, I planned and practiced.
I had a multitude of methods at my disposal, which went roughly like this:
STEP 1: Never miss your shot. Anyone could be THE ONE.
After I hit puberty, no guy was off the table for consideration. Humiliation be damned—if he could breathe, he could and would be asked out by me. Or flirted with, at the very least.
STEP 2: PLAN PLAN PLAN.
Knowledge wasn’t just power. It was precision. I had my first kiss a month shy of my 14th birthday and lost my virginity the week after my high school graduation at an amusement park motel; nothing too far from ordinary. What no one else knew was that there was 4 years’ worth of bookmarks telling me how to kiss with tongue, folded Cosmopolitan magazines with instructions how to pleasure a perineum, and copious peer-reviewed evidence in the form of sex blogs highlighted.
I wouldn’t just have sex. I’d win sex.
STEP 3: JUST DO IT
I had my first one-night stand on a drunk guy’s floor at the end of my first semester in college. He gave me strep throat, ruined a blockbuster film I wanted to see, and I would occasionally have an awkward encounter of seeing him ride the same campus bus for the rest of the year.
One day, after he was kicked out of college, my high school crush reached out to me to rekindle our friendship. After a year of asynchronously communicating, he rented a hotel room for an hour to have sex with me. Midway through, he made a comment on my performance that would inspire me to become a power-bottom from that point on. My anxiety about being considered “bad in bed” told me that if guys desired girls who are good at sex, then that’s the girl I needed to be. Bad sex = no sex = unattractive to the male sex.
That night, shortly after he finished, we sat beside each other on the hotel bed and without hesitation both proceeded to open and scroll on Tinder. I pretended that I didn’t care about his apathy to our reunion after those few years. I brushed away the sinking fear in my gut that I had been used.
Over time, I kept a log of everyone I had slept with. But it was becoming harder to remember the names or even faces of those people after those first few encounters. Anytime sex was asked for or offered, I took the opportunity.
Every date, good or bad, became a hookup. Think of it like an unpaid internship on a resume; a crappy job was still one you could reference. And that experience was accompanied by the liberation of being a young adult in college with my own agency, in tandem with the maturation of my body, to give out something of my own that was ALWAYS valued.
I wouldn’t have traded that feeling for the world.
To me, sex seemed like trophy hunting. It was silly and funny to laugh about dating, about how goofy it was, about the situations I would end up in. And I enjoyed being an expert at something that I thought I was, by nature, supposed to be good at. Failed dates became my friends, and sometimes my friends with extra benefits.
Sex was just…sex.
I enjoyed giving my partners pleasure. So it didn’t matter if, throughout the sex, I was thinking about what I was going to eat for dinner.
Sex itself was boring. The story leading up to it was always more interesting than the sex itself. I never orgasmed, and most of the time I never even came close. Most men didn’t mind that I didn’t mind. And I wasn’t comfortable pretending or betting that my body would cooperate and give me the orgasm we both wanted me to have. It would take a couple hours of chatting before I even felt warmed up enough to the idea of having sex. I wanted it, sure… but really, I just wanted the ability to say that I did it.
By 23, I’d had 23 sexual partners—and nothing more.
After having my heart broken more times than I could count both romantically and platonically, I finally thought that #23 might be the one.
After a heartfelt and vulnerable 7-hour conversation until dawn, leading up to an incredible date that ended in sensually connected and intimate sex… He suddenly distanced himself until I never heard from him again.
I was distraught. But for the past 5 years, I’d had one thing that always picked my confidence back up: dating apps. A few nights out with some fellas would surely bring back my charisma, right?
But it didn’t.
I felt nothing. I was swiping and swiping and trying to convince myself that I wanted to meet these people for something R-rated. But really, I just wanted to be in the arms of someone who I could talk to about my feelings. That was always the best part about the sex for me: the part when it was over, when we could talk and learn more about each other, having shared a unique and intimate experience.
I couldn’t understand why my usual method of motivation wasn’t giving me what it had done through all of those years. I guess after years of school, therapy, and experiences… My “body count” wasn’t enough anymore.
It was as frustrating as it was enlightening.
Here I was, in my time of need, and my go-to therapeutic solution was failing me! How could I possibly have been lying to myself for so many years?! The one thing that seemed the most normal and socially acceptable about me was now somehow nuanced and indescribably complicated.
The timing was serendipitous for so many things in my life. I had just moved from my college town to a completely different state. I had cut contact with my family and toxic friends. My crappy job had me reconsidering everything I wanted in life. My inescapable loneliness left me boundless time for intense self-reflection.
I’ve always struggled with using labels to help define me as a person. Accepting the mental health diagnoses I’ve sought in adulthood has felt imposing, connecting to my ancestral roots has felt appropriative, and getting constantly excluded and ostracized through my life has left a deep-seated fear that spiraled into a never-ending habit of trying to prove my self-worth without room for error. And labels– if judged wrong– were errors.
But I started to put together the pieces…
- Fixations of finding true love…
- Dating in order to fit in and be desirable…
- Receiving praise for my sexy skillset…
- Loving the rise but hating the fall of every date…
- Only liking audio porn…
As a Black cisgendered woman, I assumed there were a lot of things I couldn’t be:
- Anxious, because I liked being around others
- Autistic, because I made an extreme effort to be liked
- Abstinent, because my body was the one thing men liked about me
And finally:
- Ace/Graysexual, because I had had a lot of sex with various men.
Giving myself these titles feels wrong—no, it feels illegal. I’ve never been the poster example of anything, much less as a person who has eccentricities that come with explanations. I’m just “that weird Black girl” and these labels are just excuses.
Or maybe…
Maybe discovering who I am, what I need, and what I want, without worrying about what’s “right”, turned into my Happiest Ever After of them all.
I never quite understood the idea that labels are all bad; they are simply just tools that help us navigate in the world we live in.
Letters, after all, use labels to get to where they need to go.
So perhaps I should begin using my labels as tools, too. However, and whenever, it helps.
About the writer:
For Lexie Bee, every awkward date or failed-flirty encounter is a new avenue for growth, connection, and of course: storytelling! Finally coming into her own as a self-described ‘Pokedex of Intersectionality’ with her race, culture, gender, sexuality, class, and neurodiversity, Coffee & Kink is her debut into public and professional conversations about her sex life– past, present, and evolving. With the duality of comedy and conversation, she aspires to give others the confidence to speak without shame (especially if you’re sitting at the table with her!)
Am I Kinky? How to Tell and How to Better Understand Your Kinks
Some kinksters have always known they were kinky, sometimes from even before they had a word for it. Others come to kink and BDSM later on, after intensely questioning and examining their desires and fantasies. Have you ever agonised over the question “am I kinky?”, wondered if you’re kinky enough to claim the label and call yourself a part of the community, or felt stuck on how to explore your interest in kinky things?
If so, this post is for you.
What is Kinky?
This is where I always like to start when it comes to examining the question of whether a person is kinky: what even is kinky, anyway?
Wikipedia defines kinkiness as “the use of sexual practices, concepts or fantasies that are not conventional.” This general theme continues in other definitions I looked at. Justin Hancock, of sex education platform Bish UK, writes that “‘Kink’ is a set of pleasurable activities that people choose to do together that in other contexts are not pleasurable or usual.” The Cambridge Dictionary definies it as “a strange habit, usually of a sexual nature.”
But these definitions require us to ask ourselves: what is “conventional?” What is “usual?” In order to define what it means to step outside of these “norms”, we have to understand what the norms are in the first place.
Sexual norms, like other societal norms, are inherently subjective and informed by an array of factors from the social and political to the religious. Some people would say that the only “normal” sex to have is married, penis-in-vagina intercourse in the missionary position. Some would say that activities such as oral sex, anal sex, and mutual masturbation are completely “normal” and therefore not kinky. For others, however, having anal sex or masturbating in front of their partner might feel extremely kinky.
Pain is often associated with BDSM, but this isn’t always the case. My friend Violet Grey wrote a great guest blog about how kink isn’t all whips and chains. You don’t need to play with pain at all to be kinky, if you don’t want to. For some people, kink is entirely or mostly psychological. For others, it involves playing with intense or challenging sensations that are not necessarily painful (rope bondage, tickling kinks, and temperature play being just some obvious examples.)
Power play is another facet that often appears in kink, but doesn’t have to. Dominant and submissive dynamics – the D/s in BDSM – are one way to play with kink, but they are not essential to it. For example, some people enjoy sadomasochism (the consensual giving and receiving of pain) without any element of power imbalance.
Then there’s fetishism, which involves a sexual response to an item, body part, or activity that is not traditionally viewed as sexual. Foot fetishes, material fetishes (such as latex or rubber), and watersports (playing with pee) are just some examples of common fetishes. But do you need to have a fetish to be kinky? Nope!
I realise this might not be very helpful. I realise I’m offering lots of things that being kinky might mean, but no hard and fast litmus test. But that’s also part of the beauty of kink. You get to define what it means to you and for you.
Do you fantasise about, or take part in, sexual or sensual acts that feel in some way unconventional or “outside the norm” to you? If so, you might be kinky!
Am I Kinky Enough to Call Myself Kinky?
If you take nothing else from this piece, I hope you’ll remember this: there’s no such thing as “kinky enough”.
Much like queerness, ultimately the only test is “do you identify as kinky?” If so, then congratulations! You’re kinky! It’s also fine to take part in the community even if you’re not yet sure if you’re kinky, by the way. We’ll talk about this a bit more later on.
You don’t need to be into the most extreme things imaginable to call yourself kinky. Everyone has unique preferences, desires, limits, and boundaries. You also don’t need to be constantly trying out the next new hardcore thing! If the only kinky thing you ever want to do is get tickled with feathers, or have your wrists cuffed to the headboard during sex, or spank your lover? You’re kinky enough!
I can’t promise you won’t encounter any gatekeeping in the kink community. Sadly you might. After all, kink scenes are made up of people and people are sometimes dickheads. However, the vast majority of the people you meet will likely be completely lovely and non-judgemental. If anyone judges you for not being extreme enough or says that your kink isn’t really a kink, feel enormously free to ignore them. Or tell them to fuck off. That’s fun too.
6 Ways to Better Understand Your Kinks
If you think you could be kinky, you might already know exactly what you’re into. You might also have only a vague sense… or absolutely no idea yet! Whatever is true for you, it’s all fine. In this section, I’ll give you a few ideas for ways you can explore your kinky identity further and develop a deeper understanding of your kinks.
Take a BDSM Test
A BDSM test is an online quiz that asks you a series of questions to help you determine your kink identity, role, interests, or archetype. It can be a great place to start your explorations.
Remember that a BDSM test is supposed to be a guide, not Gospel. If your result doesn’t feel quite right for you, then that’s also useful information you can take forward. It can also be useful to revisit your BDSM test of choice every year or two. Chances are your preferences will evolve and your results might change, too. Mine certainly have!
Do a Yes/No/Maybe List
Yes/No/Maybe lists are checklists of all kinds of kinky activities. The idea is that you go through the list and indicate whether you’re a “yes”, a “no”, or a “maybe” to doing each thing. Some lists also have a column where you can indicate your level of interest and/or level of experience with each activity. They’re a great place to start exploring what types of kinky play might interest you. They can also help you to identify the things you absolutely don’t want to do, which is equally useful.
Yes/No/Maybe lists can be particularly useful tools in negotiating kinky play or relationships. If you and your partner or prospective partner complete the same list, you can then compare your results to find out where your interests overlap.
You can find numerous free Yes/No/Maybe lists online. I like this one by Bex Talks Sex!
Consume Erotic Content
Erotic content such as ethical porn, written erotica, and audio erotica can be great ways to explore your interest in kink, whether you consume it alone or with a partner. If you consume a wide array of content you might even discover new things that interest you!
Remember: porn and erotica are entertainment, not instruction. They can help you to understand your kinks, but they are not a blueprint for how to do it in real life. Finding something hot in fiction also doesn’t mean you need to do it in real life. If you have a fantasy that you’d prefer stayed a fantasy, that is completely valid.
Get Involved in Your Local Kink Community
Wherever you are in your personal kink journey, there are so many great reasons to seek out your local community.
Firstly, you’ll make friends. Kinky friends can be utterly invaluable, particularly when you’re new and exploring. It’s considered poor etiquette to treat kink spaces as your personal cruising grounds, but if you’re looking for a partner or play partner then making authentic connections and building a solid reputation in the kinky community is a great place to start.
Being active in your local community is the best way to find out about events, get vetted, and get invited to awesome play parties!
You’ll also learn a lot. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about kinksters in my 16 years “on the scene” it’s that we’re fucking nerds. Want to enthuse about your favourite kinky thing? Desperate to show off your gorgeous new custom flogger or eager to learn how to tie someone up safely? The kink community is where you can make the kinds of friends who will relish these interactions.
Start by heading out to your local munch or finding a class on a kinky activity that interests you.
Talk About Your Fantasies
If you have a partner or partners, talking about your fantasies can help you both/all to learn more about your kinks. Talking about fantasies can be a safe way to ease into trying them out. It can also be a hot precursor to sex.
Want to talk about your kinks but don’t have a partner to do it with? Try joining some discussion groups for your interests on Fetlife or paying a professional phone sex/cyber sex provider to engage in some dirty talk with you.
Try Things Out
Sometimes there’s no substitute for just trying something to see if you like it. If you think you might be into a particular kink, why not grab a consenting partner and give it a go? (You can also explore many elements of BDSM alone, by the way, but that’s a subject for another post!)
Do your research beforehand so you know how to stay safe. Establish a safeword or safe signal. Discuss desires, hard and soft limits, and boundaries. Go as slowly as you need to. Most importantly, check in regularly and communicate with your partner or partners at every stage.
And remember: kink and BDSM is a journey. You don’t need to have all the answers now or ever. Evolving, growing, changing, and reevaluating is part of the deal and part of the fun. Let the adventure take you where it will!
This post was kindly sponsored by Fetish.com and their BDSM test! All views and writing are, as always, mine.
[Lube Review] Pjur Med Natural & Pjur Med Sensitive Lubricant
Pjur is perhaps one of the most well-known lubricant brands on the market, yet in over 8 years of running this site I’ve never done a Pjur lube review! That’s about to change, though, because I recently received the new Pjur Med Natural and Pjur Med Sensitive lubes to try out.
Pjur Med Natural vs. Pjur Med Sensitive: What Are They and What’s the Difference?
Med Natural and Med Sensitive are two lubricants from Pjur’s new Med range. Under the European Medical Device Regulation (MDR), personal lubes are classified as IIb medical devices – that is, under the same category as products such as condoms, but also medical equipment such as blood bags, ventilators, and implantable dental devices.
What does this mean? Pjur explains it in detail here. In short, though:
- Since 2024, a product can only be sold as a personal lubricant in the EU if it passes the MDR.
- Products that are not MDR compliant must only be sold as cosmetics for external use.
- Products must demonstrate efficacy and safety to receive MDR certification.
Pjur, headquartered in Luxembourg and manufacturing in Germany, is among the first lube manufacturers to receive MDR certification. This means that you can purchase Pjur lubes with a higher level of confidence that they are safe for your body.
Med Natural and Med Sensitive are both water-based personal lubricants, with the main difference being the ingredients. They are both unscented, unflavoured, condom-safe, and toy-safe.
Is Pjur Med Lube Vegan?
I reached out to my contact to ask whether Pjur products are vegan and cruelty-free. Here’s what they told me:
Pjur lubes contain only vegan ingredients. However, sadly, all those sold in the US market (which is most of them) are tested on animals as this is required by law to make them a certified medical device. This means I definitely won’t be buying them again. I may not even have agreed to test them if I’d known this, to be honest.
For those in the UK or EU, though, “Pjur Med VEGAN” is a cruelty-free choice.
Pjur Med Natural Ingredients
Since Pjur Med lubes are MDR-certified, I’m going to approach this review with the basic assumption that all the ingredients are body-safe and of a high quality. Therefore, in this Pjur lube review I will only comment on things to be aware of depending on your personal needs and preferences.
Pjur Med Natural‘s ingredients list looks like this: Aqua (Water), Glycerin, Xanthan Gum, Benzyl Alcohol, Sodium Benzoate, Citric Acid, Potassium Sorbate.
First, let’s talk about glycerin.
Pjur specifically uses vegetable glycerin, AKA glycerol, in its Med range of lubes. Glycerin is a controversial ingredient in lubricant, with some experts believing it can increase the risk of yeast infections for folks with vulvas, damagemucus membranes and raise the osmolality of a lube, increasing the risk of irritation or infection. Others say it is safe and nothing to worry about.
This is ultimately an individual choice. I’d recommend avoiding it if you’re prone to yeast infections or irritation. Personally I prefer to avoid lubes with glycerin for this reason, but not everyone’s vulva is as sensitive as mine.
Benzyl alcohol is another ingredient to be aware of in this one. This common ingredient is considered safe for skincare uses, but it is a fairly common allergen and can cause irritation in individuals who are sensitive to it. Always do a patch test before using the lube if you’re not sure.
Xanthan gum is a common thickening agent and stabiliser. Sodium benzoate, citric acid, and potassium sorbate are common food-grade preservatives that are generally safe and well-tolerated. They also appear in only tiny amounts in lubricant.
Pjur Med Sensitive Ingredients
Med Sensitive is formulated for those with sensitive skin. Sensitive lubes tend to contain gentler ingredients, reducing the risk of irritation, infection, or allergic reaction.
The ingredients list is as follows: Aqua (Water), Propylene Glycol, Ethoxydiglycol, Hydroxypropyl Guar Hydroxypropyltrimonium Chloride, Hydroxyethylcellulose, Sodium Saccharin, Citric Acid
Propylene glycol is an ingredient that often causes people to panic because it’s a key component of antifreeze. Which, sure, but so is water. You don’t need to freak out about an ingredient just because it also appears in another, unrelated product! Propylene glycol is a common food and the FDA categorises it as “generally recognised as safe.”
Propylene glycol’s safety as a lube ingredient, though, is a divisive subject with some claiming that it can cause irritation. I’ve always avoided it but, given its presence as a key ingredient in a medically-approved lubricant (and one for sensitive skin, no less) I might have to reevaluate this!
Traditional propylene glycol is a petrochemical, meaning that it is derived from non-renewable resources. However, there are also plant-based alternatives. Pjur does not specify which type it uses.
Ethoxydiglycol and Hydroxypropyl Guar Hydroxypropyltrimonium Chloride (HGHC) both commonly appear in cosmetics products but less often in lubricants. Both are generally considered safe in small quantities and the former is subject to strict regulations governing how and in what quantities it may be used. Hydroxyethylcellulose is a gelling and thickening agent from plant sources, and sodium saccharin is a synthetic food-grade, non-nutritive sweetener.
Med Natural & Med Sensitive Pjur Lube Review: In Use
Both Pjur Med Natural and Med Sensitive come in 100ml screw-top bottles. The neck of the bottle is mostly covered, with just a small hole to pour the lube through. This setup tends to result in lube all over the bottle, all over the bed, or both unless you’re super careful. Pump bottles or disc top caps are vastly superior lube dispensing mechanisms!
The taste of both lubes is pretty light and unobtrusive. Med Sensitive is sweeter but, due to the sodium saccharin, also has the kind of “chemical sweetener” taste I find really unpleasant. As a result I’m unlikely to use this one for oral sex.
Consistency wise, Med Natural is very thin and runny. Med Sensitive is slightly thicker, edging towards a gel-like consistency. This means that Sensitive is a longer-lasting lube and I needed to reapply it less often. Both left a slight sticky, tacky sensation on my hands after use, which washed away easily with water.
Both of these lubes have a light, barely-discernible scent. They wash out of clothes, sheets, and strap-on harnesses easily.
Pjur Lube Review: Verdict
Overall, I found these lubes fine, though I wouldn’t say I loved them. The medical certification does give me confidence in using and recommending them as safe options, with the caveat to always check the ingredients if you have any allergies or sensitivities.
I preferred the less sickly-sweet taste of Med Natural, but the thicker consistency of Med Sensitive. Neither have caused any negative reactions for my body, though I’ve avoided using the glycerin-containing Med Natural internally.
You can buy Med Natural and Med Sensitive from Pjur for $18/$23 respectively for a 100ml bottle (that’s €15.95/€17.95 for EU readers and £13.95/£15.95 for my UK friends!)
Thanks to Pjur and Little Leaf Agency for supporting this Pjur lube review by providing these samples. All views and experiences are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this post.
[Toy Review] Tracy’s Dog Ciro Dual Stimulation Vibrator
Tracy’s Dog are becoming a regular feature on this site as they’re currently putting out new products at an impressive rate, such as the recently launched Ciro – a dual stimulation vibrator with thrusting, licking, and vibrating motions – which I received to review this month.
Let’s take a look and find out how I got on with this latest offering.
Oh, and don’t forget to use my exclusive code coffee15 to get 15% off your purchase of the Ciro or any other Tracy’s Dog product.
What is the Ciro Dual Stimulation Vibrator?
The Ciro by Tracy’s Dog is a vaguely C-shaped dual stimulation clitoral and G-spot toy. The insertable portion both thrusts and vibrates, while the clitoral stimulator is a firm ball that rotates and vibrates. This toy’s insertable length is around 6″, and its diameter is around 1.4″ at the widest point.
It is made of silicone in the signature purple shade that Tracy’s Dog use for many of their toys, and has a gold coloured plastic accent panel for the two buttons.
In the sturdy, magnetic-close box, you’ll also find the charging cable, a drawstring storage bag, two sachets of Tracy’s Dog lube (which I won’t be using because it contains glycerin and disodium EDTA, but YMMV), the instruction manual, a warranty card, and some stickers.
The Ciro is IPX6 waterproof, making it suitable for use in the shower. However, it’s not submersible, so don’t take it in the bath or dunk it in a sink of water to clean it! It is also rechargeable via the included magnetic cable. I’ll talk more about the charging and battery life a bit later on.
What I Liked About the Ciro
I was immediately intrigued by this unusual design and combination of features. Yet another boring iteration of a generic rabbit vibrator this is not! It’s nice to see something a bit different in the form of the round, rotating clitoral stimulator.
But how did it actually perform?
Let’s look at the things I liked about the Ciro.
- Many dual stimulation vibrator designs treat clitoral stimulation as an afterthought (I’ve ranted about this before.) The Ciro does not. The rotating clitoral stimulator is just… really, really good, to be honest. It’s completely different to the traditional “bunny ears” design and I love it. It does not feel like “licking”, but it feels like having my clit massaged in circles with just the right amount of pressure. Yes. (Pro tip: lube makes this feel about 10,000 times better.)
- The wavy ridges on the sides of the shaft will appeal to fans of texture. I like that I can feel them in use, but they’re not too intense.
- The flexible hinge between the insertable shaft and the clitoral stimulator make it easy to position the toy in a way that works for your body. It also means it’s relatively easy to keep the clitoral stimulator in the right place during use (a major drawback of many rabbit toys is that it’s almost impossible to position both portions of the toy in the right way at the same time.)
- The rigid shaft provides firm internal pressure, while the slight squishiness of the head is comfortable against my G-spot.
- I like the relatively short thrust. Toys with long thrusts are often painful for me, risking poking me in the cervix (ouch. Ow. No.) Its motion feels more like a “come hither” than hard pounding, which is vastly preferable in my book.
- Even the lowest thrusting speed is pretty intense! This isn’t one for those who prefer very slow strokes, but ideal for anyone looking for fast thrusting.
- The three thrusting speeds and 7 patterns, plus 3 clitoral stimulation speeds, offer plenty of variety.
- You can control the internal and external stimulators completely separately, with a simple one-button control for each function.
- It retails for a relatively affordable £48.36
Overall, this toy is pretty intense. Even on the lower thrusting speed, with both parts switched on it comes close to feeling overstimulating for me. Which can be fun on occasion! I don’t think I’ll reach for it regularly, but there’s definitely a time and a place for this kind of toy.
What I Didn’t Like
Though it has many good features, there are also a few things about the Ciro that I found frustrating.
- The vibrations are super buzzy. Like… so buzzy. They’re the kind of buzzy that is likely to numb out my clit long before ever getting me off.
- Related: I wish it was possible to switch the vibrations off. I think I’d really love this toy if I could use the thrusting and rotating functions without the addition of annoying, buzzy vibes.
- The battery life isn’t great. A full charge takes 150 minutes (2.5 hours) and only gives you 50-60 minutes of runtime.
- There are, as usual, no dual directional controls. This isn’t so much of an issue for me, as I tend to just choose the settings I like and stick with them. But it’s something to be aware of if you prefer to swap and change between different speeds and settings.
- Like virtually every thrusting toy I have ever tried, it makes an annoying kind of high-pitched squeaking noise. It’s not particularly loud, but this sound is really grating to me (probably one reason I don’t actually use thrusting toys very often!) It’s also not “whisper quiet”. Companies, stop with this cliché. It’s literally never true.
Ciro Dual Stimulation Vibrator: Verdict
Overall, I like this toy! It’s an innovative design not quite like anything I’ve seen before, and the rotating clitoral stimulator is truly excellent. I also particularly appreciated the shallow thrust depth and separate controls for each of the two parts. Though it does have some flaws, I’ll likely use this one again.
Get the Ciro directly from Tracy’s Dog or from the company’s Amazon store. Remember to use my discount code for 15% off!
Thanks to Tracy’s Dog for sponsoring this review. All views and experiences are, as always, my own.
7 Things That Helped Me to Get Over a Broken Heart
Heads up: this is not a generic “how to get over a broken heart” listicle. This is tremendously personal and I hope I can trust my readers to be kind.
Yup. It’s been an entire year, and we’re finally talking about this! I have tried to write something cohesive about this experience so many times over the last year, but it didn’t feel like the right time until now. I had to wait until I was sure I was really okay, really truly over it and out the other side, before I could write about it with the benefit of knowing for sure that the pain really does end.
One year ago today, I experienced the most brutal, absolute and devastating heartbreak of my life from someone I thought I would be with forever.
“Blindsided” is not even the word.
It physically hurt. I felt like I was dying.
I still don’t think I have the words to explain the depths of the grief I sunk into, the anger and the confusion, that time I screamed in my car down a deserted road just to let out some of the pressure that felt like it was crushing me from the inside. The nights I spent alternately crying until I felt numb and drinking myself into oblivion just so that, for a few blissful minutes, I wouldn’t have to feel anything.
But this post isn’t actually about that pain, or about the person who broke my heart. It’s about how I got through it. Because that’s the reality of even the worst heartbreak of your life: you do get through it.
One day, you wake up and find you don’t actively want to fucking die. One day, you wake up and you’re not crying before you’re even fully awake, they’re not the first thing on your mind, you don’t see their eyes every time you close yours. Eventually, you smile again. Laugh again. Dance in your kitchen while you make dinner again. Have sex again. Eventually, you even love again.
So this post is for everyone whose heart has ever been broken. It’s for everyone who’s going through it right now, who needs a reminder that there is joy out there and that this too shall pass. But most of all it’s for the Amy of a year ago who felt like she had lost a piece of her soul and thought she might never be happy again. Hold on, sweetheart. Joy is coming back. More joy than you can imagine right now.
This is just my little love letter to seven of the things that pulled me through.
Mr C&K
I have to start with this one because fucking hell, this man showed up for me when I needed him. He picked me up off the floor (literally, once or twice.) He fed me and took care of the house and the cat and our life in the immediate aftermath, when I could barely get off the sofa. When I woke up in the early hours of the morning already crying, he pulled me close and reminded me I was still worthy of love.
Pretty words and promises are nice, but they mean nothing if they’re not backed up with actions. Real love? Sometimes it looks like someone who’s been by your side for a decade sitting with you while you cry and rage and work through the confusion, and then filling the fridge with all your favourite foods in the hope that you’ll eat something even though your body is so full with the sheer weight and volume of your grief that you can’t imagine having room for anything as trivial as food.
Sapphic music
A couple of months after my breakup, I started making a giant playlist of all the sapphic, lesbian and queer girl music I could find.
It was partly an attempt to reconnect with my own queerness, to remind myself that no longer having a girlfriend didn’t invalidate my identity. I found the angsty breakup songs cathartic. The love songs gave me hope that I might find something like that again someday.
Most of all, it was a feeling of being held by these women. Women I’ll never meet but with whom I feel a kinship because of our shared experience as sapphics in a world that simultaneously invisibilises and hyper-sexualises us.
Fletcher, MUNA, Hayley Kiyoko, Girli, Chappell Roan, Xana, Girl in Red, Renee Rapp and more wrapped their words around my heart and, on the nights I felt most profoundly alone, their songs reached out a hand and said “we got you.”
Crafting
You know the cool thing about having yarn, fabric, a set of knitting needles or a crochet hook in your hands? You can’t text the person who broke your heart (or pound that ill-advised fourth shot of gin of the night) while you’re doing it.
Sometimes, making things – counting stitches and rows, figuring out pattern instructions, occasionally ripping it all out and starting again – was the only thing that could stop me from thinking about her, calm my racing mind from ruminating on how stupidly happy I had been and how it had all gone to hell so quickly.
I crafted so much in the few months following my breakup that I ended up taking a stall of my yarn-based creations to sell at a Pride event. Every time I saw someone smile and pick out a piece I’d made in their pride flag’s colours, a little bit of my heart healed. I’d turned my pain into beautiful things, and those things brought other people joy.
Slow, careful and mindful attempts at dating
I got back on the dating apps around August. If I’m entirely honest it was probably a little too soon but I decided, fuck it, it’s been six months, maybe I’m allowed to have a little fun now? (Or maybe I just needed the emotional masochism of confirming, once again, my utter certainty that I would never meet anyone who was right for me ever again.)
Only… I did.
I had a nice date with a woman. Things didn’t go anywhere, but going on a date – laughing and eating sushi and getting to know someone new – felt like gently flexing a muscle I hadn’t used in far too long, like taking the cast off a broken bone. Then I dated someone lovely for about three months. We had fun. Then we realised we weren’t romantically compatible and parted on good terms as friends.
And then…
Well. The next bit of the story comes later in this post.
Queer community
There’s an invisibility that often comes with sapphic love. This is doubled (tripled, really) if you’re polyamorous and your relationship isn’t a socially-sanctioned, legally-sanctioned, highly visible, hetero-read one.
So many people in my life didn’t understand that the relationship might have ultimately been short-lived and non-escalator, but that didn’t make it any less real. It fucking mattered. My love mattered. My heart mattered.
It was my queer community, particularly my queer polyamorous community, that understood. Those people witnessed and held the reality of just how much this fucking sucked. They allowed me to be sad then angry then hopeful then hopeless and then sad all over again. They let me go from laughter to sobbing and back to laughter, sometimes in the space of minutes.
And they never told me it didn’t matter because it didn’t last. That I should have known better, or that polyamory is always a recipe for disaster. They didn’t say at least you still have a partner as if that makes a broken heart hurt any less, or any of the other shit that clueless straight people hit me with.
Friends who understand
Sometime around May, three months after my breakup, I went for coffee with a well-meaning friend. When I got home, I said to Mr C&K, “I feel like an alien in my own life.” I felt completely detatched and cut off from just about everyone else on the planet.
There were a very small number of people who made me feel understood and seen. One of them was someone I didn’t even know all that well at the time, who had gone through a breakup around the same time. Over the course of a few months, our two person #BrokenHeartClub (or #BoozyBrokenHeartClub on the more difficult days) evolved into a friendship I’m profoundly grateful for.
My best friend and his boyfriend let me crash with them for a few days in the immediate aftermath while I got my head back on straight. My bestie alternately took me out and got me drunk in healing queer spaces (Eastenders-themed drag? Surprisingly good medicine for a broken heart!) and let me rage-sob on his sofa.
Finding love again
I had to save this one for last. It’s ultimately one of the most significant pieces of this story and the most difficult to find adequate words for.
There’s something a little paradoxical here. After a breakup, we’re not supposed to start looking for a new relationship until we’re fully healed. We’re supposed to get over a broken heart before we try to find love again. Yet, at a certain point, there is a form of healing that happens within a new relationship. If you want to learn to trust again, at some point you need to practice trusting someone. If you want to fall in love again, at some point you need to let yourself fall.
I met my now-girlfriend Em on a dating app in late October. Our connection was fast. We both read the other’s profile and had a moment of “were you made for me!?”. But it was also slow, in that it was over two months before we could spend time together in person. In those two months, we clocked up over 40 hours of phone and video calls.
On January 7th at 8pm, she walked into the bar and she smiled at me and I knew. On January 7th at 10pm, she asked me to be her girlfriend. Then, on January 26th, I told her I love her. Was I terrified to try again? Of course. But at some point, you have to feel the fear and try again anyway.
She was the final and most crucial piece. She profoundly sees me, understands me, holds me in the messiness and vulnerability of all that I am and have been and all that I might be in the future. With her, I felt able to take that risk. To trust someone. To stare down the fear of opening myself up to that kind of pain again and decide she was worth the risk.
She was – is – everything I needed in a new love. And she found me at the perfect moment.
If you’re trying to get over a broken heart, I hope this gave you a little comfort. I know you’ll get through it. Listen I love you joy is coming.
[Toy Review] Tracy’s Dog Craybit Pro Rabbit Vibrator
I confess that I have been puzzling over the name of this toy almost as much as I puzzled over the name of this company the first time I worked with them. (In case you were wondering, Tracy’s Dog is so called because it hopes its toys will become a loyal and faithful companion, like… well. Like a dog. Why this Tracy’s Dog rabbit toy is called the Craybit Pro, though, remains a mystery.)
Baffling name aside, let’s take a look at the Tracy’s Dog Craybit Pro. First, though, the team wanted me to tell you all about their Valentine’s Day promotion. Here’s what you need to know:
- Use the code LOVE12 to get 12% off all products from February 5th to February 14th
- If you use my exclusive discount code coffee15, you can enjoy 15% off your purchase
- Both new and existing customers can choose either the LOVE12 code or my exclusive code
- These codes can be used in conjunction with other promotions, such as: $10 off orders over $100 (Feb 5 – Feb 9), $30 off orders over $150 (Feb 10 – Feb 14)
- Additionally, enjoy up to 59% off on sale products
What is the Tracy’s Dog Craybit Pro?
The Craybit Pro is a rabbit style vibrator with an insertable shaft and two flexible ears to stimulate the clitoris. It measures around 8.5″ in total length, and 4.5″ in insertable length. The diameter is 1.59″ at the widest point.
The Craybit Pro is made from purple body-safe silicone with an ABS plastic handle and buttons. It is IPX6 waterproof, meaning it can withstand powerful jets of water but is not submersible. In other words, it’s probably fine for use in the shower and for washing under the tap, but don’t take it in the bath or dunk it in a sink full of water to clean it.
The Craybit Pro has three motors and something called “Chord and Riff Technology”, which combines high-frequency “buzzy” vibrations with low-frequency “rumbly” vibrations. The motors are located in the head, in the lower portion of the insertable shaft, and in the clitoral stimulator respectively.
What I Liked About the Craybit Pro
With so many rabbit vibrators on the market, it can be overwhelming trying to choose one. They’re all designed to do basically the same thing: stimulate the vagina/G-spot and clitoris at the same time. However, they’re all slightly different and each model comes with pros and cons.
Let’s start by looking at what the Tracy’s Dog Craybit Pro does well:
- It came nicely packaged in a stylish cardboard box with a storage bag included.
- I like the flexibility of both the insertable arm and the clitoral stimulator. This makes it easier to position the toy for a comfortable fit for your body.
- The long, soft and flexible rabbit ears are great for keeping the stimulator in constant contact with my clit during use.
- You can control the two motors in the shaft with one button, and the clitoral stimulator with another, allowing you to use the internal and external vibrations either separately or together.
- The buttons are easy to press and the controls are simple and easy to learn.
- The light-up buttons make them easy to see in low light.
- The curved shaft is excellent for targeted G-spot stimulation.
- Perhaps most importantly, at least some of the vibrations are actually good! All of the motors are reasonably strong, and the vibrations in the shaft are satisfyingly rumbly.
- Your toy comes with a two-year warranty and a five-year quality guarantee.
Noise-wise, the Craybit Pro is fine. It’s not impressively silent but it’s also not annoyingly loud.
You can also use the Craybit Pro with the free Monster Party app (yet another baffling name, honestly.) I had more luck with this toy than I did with the Surreal, Tracy’s Dog’s other app-controlled toy, but I’m just not sure the app really adds very much for me. It gives you a little customisability of the three motors and another way to control your toy if you prefer to use your phone rather than manual controls, but I find it more hassle than it’s really worth. This toy works perfectly fine without the app, so it’s definitely an optional add-on rather than an essential.
Anything I Didn’t Like?
I do also have a few complaints about the Craybit Pro. Namely:
- A charge of two hours only gives you around an hour of runtime, which isn’t great.
- The clitoral stimulator has a very buzzy motor compared to the internal motors. Though you do get some of the rumbles passing through to the clit stimulator when the shaft is switched on, it would be nice if the separate motor was much more rumbly. Say it with me: clit stimulation is the main event, not an afterthought!
- The two motors in the shaft are controlled by the same button. This means you cannot control them independently.
- When using the toy manually, there are only single-directional controls. This means you have to scroll through all the settings to go back a step.
- The seam between the silicone portion and the plastic portion is quite hard to clean and can harbour fluids and bacteria if you’re not careful.
- It’s surprisingly heavy!
I think the shaft is slightly too wide to be completely ideal for me. I tend to prefer slimmer insertable toys, particularly when pairing them with clitoral stimulation. This isn’t really a gripe with the toy itself, of course, just an acknowledgement of why it’s not totally perfect for my body.
Craybit Pro Tracy’s Dog Rabbit Vibrator: Verdict
Overall, I think the Tracy’s Dog Craybit is a decent-ish though not amazing rabbit vibrator. I’d recommend it most to people who enjoy strong and rumbly internal vibrations as part of dual stimulation. If buzzy clitoral vibrations are a dealbreaker for you, skip this one. With a better clitoral motor, this toy could be far better than it currently is.
The Craybit Pro retails for £59.04 or $54.99 at the time of writing.
Thanks to the company for sending me this Tracy’s Dog rabbit vibrator to review and for sponsoring this review. All views and writing, as always, are mine.
NRE in Polyamory: 4 Common New Relationship Energy Mistakes to Avoid [Polyamory Conversation Cards #19]
New relationship energy, or NRE, is not unique to polyamory. Also known as the “honeymoon period”, NRE is that giddy and love-drunk feeling you get at the beginning of a new relationship. It might include heightened sexual desire, intense emotions, or a desire to spend all your time with the new person. Staying up late into the night texting? Bugging all your friends because you just cannot stop talking about your shiny new sweetie? You might be in NRE! NRE in polyamory can be one of the main benefits of this lovestyle, in that you can (at least theoretically) experience it many times in your life without needing to lose existing relationships in between new connections. However, it can also cause some problems.
NRE has a biological explanation and a real purpose in building relationships. Simply put, it is the result of a concoction of brain chemicals such as dopamine, vasopressin, and oxytocin, which activate the brain’s reward centre and make you crave more. NRE can help to build strong bonds in the early stages of a relationship, laying the foundations for a lasting connection.
How long does NRE last?
The short answer is “it depends.” NRE naturally fades over time. Ideally, this leads to a more comfortable and sustainable, but no less wonderful, long-term bond. Sometimes, though, the partners may find they have little in common or aren’t cut out for a long-term relationship once the NRE fades. The typical timeframe for NRE can be anything from six months to two years, but your experience may vary.
In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.
This week’s card asks:
“How can you best nurture your existing relationships when you’re captivated by a new, exciting connection?”
So it’s time to talk about NRE, the most common mistakes that NRE in polyamory can lead to, and how to avoid (or mitigate) them.
Neglecting Your Existing Relationship(s)
This one is first on the list because it’s the most common NRE mistake of all. If you already have an existing partner or partners, it can be so easy to inadvertently neglect them when you’re in the throes of NRE with a new person.
When you’ve been with someone for a long time, it is easy to make the mistake of taking them for granted. You assume they will always be there. But neglecting your partner(s) during NRE can cause serious damage to those relationships.
A partner who feels neglected is understandably likely to feel bitter, jealous, and resentful of the new relationship, and may find it harder to be supportive or excited for you. This can also cause issues between metamours, since the neglected partner may find it easier to deflect the blame onto the new sweetie for “stealing” their partner’s time and attention.
What to Do About It
Whenever you’re beginning a new relationship, and particularly if the new connection is heavy on NRE, make a point of giving your existing partner(s) plenty of attention.
Set aside time to spend with them. Take them on dates, learn their love languages, and give them gestures that will be meaningful to them. Check in with them regularly to see how they’re feeling and ensure their needs are being met. Keep up with your half of any shared responsibilities, such as household chores or childcare. Perhaps most importantly, ensure that you’re not texting your new partner or talking about them constantly when you’re supposed to be spending time with your existing partner.
Leaving Your Long Term Partner(s) for the New Shiny
This is the less common but more extreme version of the above. Even in polyamory, some people will mistake “I’m in NRE” for “this person is my one and only soulmate” and break up with their existing partner(s) to marry, move in with, spend all their time with, or even become monogamous with the new person.
I’ve seen relationships and marriages of decades end for this reason. It’s uniquely painful to be dumped for someone else, particularly when your partner says or implies that it’s because the new person is “more exciting” than you.
What to Do About It
I’m not going to tell you “never end an existing relationship while you’re in NRE with a new person.” Some relationships need to end, and it’s always okay to walk away from something that is hurting you. But I will advise you to be extremely careful about doing so. In particular, never leave an existing relationship because of a new one.
It can be tempting to walk away from the comfort, safety, and relatively low excitement of a long-term relationship for the fireworks and butterflies of a new one. But here’s the thing: those aspects of a relationship don’t last forever. Think back to the early days of your relationship with your long-term partner. Chances are that it, too, was intense and passionate in the beginning. NRE is never permanent, and it’s not worth throwing away a wonderful relationship for.
The new person is more exciting because they’re new. They won’t be new forever, and then what? You’ll be right back where you started and looking for your next NRE fix. This is why, perhaps counterintuitively, people who behave like NRE addicts tend to be pretty bad at polyamory.
Making Life-Altering Decisions During NRE
Relationships can be life-changing, in both good and bad ways. But one of the biggest mistakes people make during NRE is to make big, irreversible, life-altering decisions such as moving, getting married, or having children.
Of course, you’ll hear stories about people who did this and it worked out wonderfully. (I moved in with my nesting partner after less than a year. It worked out great for us. Does that mean I recommend it in general? No.) But you’ll also hear a lot of stories about people who did it and ended up suffering the emotional, legal, financial, and logistical ramifications for far longer than the relationship lasted.
What to Do About It
I believe it was Cunning Minx of the long-running but now dearly departed Polyamory Weekly podcast who said something like “never pack anything bigger than a suitcase during NRE.” And this is great advice. I would extend it to, simply, “never make life-altering decisions that you can’t walk back during NRE.”
So along with not dumping your existing partner for the new person (see above), don’t pack up your life and move across the country or the world. Don’t quit your job. Don’t have a child together. Maybe put off those matching tattoos. (I did get matching piercings with an ex. They lasted longer than the relationship. Would not recommend.)
And look, I’m saying this as a sapphic. So-called “U-hauling” is kind of our thing – we’re famous for it! But seriously, if you want to do all these things with your new partner, the opportunity will still be there in a few months or a couple of years. And if the relationship isn’t meant to last? You’ll be really glad you didn’t.
Compromising Your Boundaries and Values
When you’re really in love (or limerance) with a new person, it can be tempting to do or say anything to make the relationship work. This can lead to compromising on your own wants, needs, boundaries, and values. You might sign up for dynamics that will make you miserable, agree to rules you don’t actually want to follow, transform your appearance or personality, or minimise aspects of yourself to make the other person more comfortable. At the extreme end of the spectrum, it can even lead to overlooking abusive behaviours or red flags for abuse.
Every time I have violated my own boundaries and values for a relationship, I have regretted it. Every time I have been a Crane Wife, I have felt like I was cutting out a piece of my soul.
What to Do About It
It can be good to be flexible on what you’re looking for in a relationship. After all, love and connection can come in unexpected guises. But it’s also good to get super clear on your bottom lines, non-negotiables, and dealbreakers. If you ever catch yourself saying “I know I said I couldn’t be with someone who… but…”, pay attention to that. Are you being flexible to enable a good connection to bloom, or are you compromising on something you really shouldn’t compromise on?
It’s also smart to listen to the people closest to you, such as your existing partner(s) if you have them and your close friends. If they’ve commented that you don’t seem like yourself, or that you seem to be living out of alignment with your stated desires and values, that’s something to pay attention to.
Relationships can and do change us. They can teach us things and broaden our horizons. But a good relationship enables you to be more fully yourself, not less so.
Managing NRE in Polyamory: Additional Resources
- 5 Signs Your New Relationship Energy is Actually Unhealthy by Kelsey Borresen
- Limerance vs. NRE in Polyamory & Tips for Managing Their Impact on Polyamory UK
- Coping with NRE by Laura Boyle
- The “NRE” tag at the Multiamory Podcast
- Why I Like Old Relationship Energy More Than New Relationship Energy by Paige at Poly.Land
[Toy Review] Wildolo Large Silicone Fantasy Dildo
As recently as a couple of years ago, readers would ask me for recommendations for giant toys that didn’t cost hundreds of dollars and I would be at a loss on where to send them. Historically, the vast majority of the extra large toys on the market were made of unsafe or porous materials such as rubber, PVC, or TPE/TPR. Those that were made of silicone tended to be tremendously expensive. Fortunately, things are changing and you can now get a body-safe, extra large fantasy dildo without breaking the bank.
Wildolo’s range of silicone monster dildos includes an array of the weird, wonderful, bizarre, and ultra-colourful for all your fantasy fucking needs. They kindly sent me this extra large silicone fantasy dildo from their collection to test and review.
About the Wildolo Large Silicone Fantasy Dildo
This toy is made of body-safe matte silicone (more on the texture below) in a green, blue and purple marbled effect, and features a tapering shaft with a series of bulges that get progressively wider from top to bottom. As it is single-density silicone, the entire shaft has the same density all the way through (i.e. there is no firm “core” and soft outer layer.)
It comes in two sizes, and I received the medium, which measures 10.49″ in length (8.98″ insertable) and weighs in at a hefty 0.95kg or just over 2lb. Its diameter tapers from a fairly average 1.35″ at the top, down to 2.87″ at the bottom. Yes: this toy is fucking huge. There’s also a larger version, which measures an enormous 14.76″ in total length and over 4″ in diameter at the widest point.
The Wildolo Large Silicone Fantasy Dildo features raised texturing on the head, vein detailing on the shaft, and a decorative monster/demon face insignia part way down.
The Wildolo Large Silicone Fantasy Dildo also has a large suction cup for affixing it to a flat surface. This features decorative detailing, too.
What I Liked About This Toy
The Wildolo Large Silicone Fantasy Dildo is a relatively budget-friendly option in the scheme of body-safe and extra large fantasy toys, retailing for $75 or around £61.50. It also has a number of great features to recommend it.
Namely:
- The pictures don’t really do justice to how pretty the shimmery, glittery swirls of green, blue and purple are. When it catches the light, the effect is almost irridescent.
- Speaking of its physical appearance, the fantasy aesthetic – such that it is – is fairly subtle. If you’re looking for a way to ease into fantasy toys without going straight for something that looks like a tentacle or an alien or a killer plant from outer space, this is a great place to start.
- I like the tapered design. When using larger toys, it’s really important to build up slowly to ensure a safe, pain-free, and pleasurable experience. Tapered toys build this in, allowing you to gradually increase the size to the point that you feel comfortable.
- The textured tip is excellent for additional G-spot stimulation. Presumably it would also work well for a prostate for much the same reason.
- This toy is surprisingly flexible for its size. When it comes to very large toys, particularly for those who are newer to them, some flexibility can make all the difference in ensuring comfortable insertion.
- The firm, dense silicone will be great for anyone who likes plenty of intensity and not too much squish for their insertable toys.
- The suction cup is reasonably strong, particularly given the size of the toy. The large surface area of the suction cup helps to hold the toy firmly to a surface for as long as you want it to stay there.
- The extra large base means it is anal-safe. However, I feel duty-bound to advise you to proceed extremely carefully if you’re thinking of inserting anything of this size anally.
Anything I Didn’t Like?
The finish on the Wildolo Large Silicone Fantasy Dildo is very matte. This means that it feels pretty grabby, which can be a downside especially for a toy this large. You’ll need to add lube, lube, and yet more lube for this one. (That was true anyway, given the size, but the grabbyness of the silicone makes it even more essential.)
The sheer size of this toy does make it a challenge to hold and manipulate for long periods of time. Its weight is something you’ll want to be aware of if you suffer from hand or wrist pain (or just, like me, have annoyingly tiny hands.)
I’ve said before and I will say it again that I just don’t think I’m really the target market for extra large insertables. I look at them and my body doesn’t go “ooh,” it goes “hahaha nope!” Realistically, I can use the top third of this dildo, maybe the top half if I’m feeling really brave. This isn’t really a criticism of the product, just an acknowledgement that it’s not one I will be reaching for on a regular basis.
Wildolo Large Silicone Fantasy Dildo: Verdict
Even though I don’t think it’s particularly ideal for my body, the Wildolo Large Silicone Fantasy Dildo is a well-designed and body-safe toy at a good price for the quality. If you’re into fantasy toys or looking to add something large to your collection without spending a lot, this is a great choice.
Thanks to Wildolo for sponsoring this review! All views are, as always, my own.