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Masturbation Monday: “Small Hands”

Content warning: this story contains fisting

This is not the first time I’ve fucked my husband’s girlfriend. She and I aren’t dating, and mostly their relationship is separate – but the three of us tumble into bed together from time to time, when the urge strikes us.

Whenever I hold hands with someone new, they notice how small my hands are compared to theirs. Usually at this point I crack a joke about fisting, just to assess if they’re enough of a pervert to be worth dating. But until now, no-one has taken me up on the idea. Until last week, when my husband approached me with an idea for our next polycule date night.

“Anna wants to try being fisted, but she’s scared to let me do it because my hands are too big. So I came up with a creative solution. You’re going to do it for me. I’m going to use you and your small hands to fuck her.”

I gave this idea a second to sink in, and then felt a wide smile spread across my face. It was just the kind of deliciously filthy idea Scott is always coming up with. I gave my enthusiastic approval to this idea, and he went off to sound Anna out about it.

So that’s how I find myself kneeling between Anna’s long, spread legs now, watching her writhe as my husband holds the Magic Wand against her cunt, warming her up. He bends to kiss her lips, murmuring that she’s a good girl, asking her if she’s ready to take my hand inside of her. She nods so emphatically I can’t help but giggle.

The wand is switched off and laid to one side. Scott positions himself at Anna’s side, holding her hand. It’s only as I reach for the supplies – latex gloves, lube – that we stashed nearby before playtime started that I realise I’m actually nervous. Giving someone their first taste of a new experience is a big responsibility.

I take a breath and make a show of confidence as I slip a latex glove over my hand and cover my index and middle finger in lube. I slide my slick fingers over Anna’s vulva, the lube mixing with her own wetness. When I push those two fingers into her, she moans and arches her hips off the bed to meet them. Even through the glove, I can feel her warmth. I press my fingers against her G-spot, which is swollen, and stroke it.

Encouraged by her reactions, a third finger joins the two already inside her. I glance at Scott for approval. The look on his face, as he watches his wife fingering his girlfriend, is pure lust tinged with awe. I return my attention to Anna’s cunt, slowly sliding my three fingers in and out of her, warming her up and stretching her open. When I experimentally try adding a fourth finger, she welcomes it eagerly. I hold my hand still, allowing her to accustom to the sensation. She bucks against my hand, using my fingers to fuck herself.

“Are you ready for more?” I ask her. She nods, eyes closed, a blissful smile on her face. I curl my thumb under, remembering the instructions in the “how to” video I dutifully watched in preparation for tonight, and add another slather of lube to my hand before pushing very slowly back into her. To the first knuckle, then the second. Her cunt seems to be trying to swallow my hand whole.

“Breathe,” I instruct her. “We’re at the widest part of my hand now. I won’t go any further until you tell me you’re ready.” I watch her chest rise and fall as she takes one, two, three deep breaths.

“Okay,” she says, “go on.” I take her free hand with mine, hoping she can feel the love and affection that I’m radiating towards her. She takes another breath and as she exhales, the widest part of my hand

“One more little push and my whole hand will be in,” I tell her. “Do you want to take it for me?” Her nod is emphatic. I mentally thank the universe for my small hands.

Another slick of lube and another gentle push, and my entire hand is inside her up to the wrist. The sound that comes from her is somewhere between a moan and a growl. I experiment with gently moving my fingers inside her, and then slowly turning my wrist 180 degrees, feeling her vaginal walls enveloping my hand.

I meet Scott’s gaze, and my eyes flick to the Magic Wand and then back to him. He grins, understanding my meaning, and grabs the toy. He turns it to full power and presses it into Anna’s vulva. The way she squirms, the sounds coming from her, make me so fucking wet that I can feel myself soaking my knickers.

“I’m really close…” Anna gasps, her cunt clenching around my hand.

“Come for us, darling,” Scott tells her. I feel her gush, fluid leaking around my hand and pooling on the bed beneath her arse. A flush creeps across her skin and her breathing slowly returns to normal.

“That was… fucking incredible,” she gasps.

It’s only when I withdraw my hand and peel off the glove that I realise I’m still wearing my wedding ring. I smirk to myself. Fisting my husband’s girlfriend on his instructions might be one of the hottest and filthiest things I’ve ever done.

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Masturbation Monday is a meme owned and run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone else is getting off to this week, or check out all my previous MM stories! If you enjoyed this story, please consider buying me a coffee or joining me on Patreon. Every single £ helps keep the blog going! This post also contains affiliate links.

[Wearable Review] Lovehoney “Free Spirit” Bra Set

I’ve had this set for quite a while, but have been struggling to know what to say about it. Lingerie is, in some ways, much harder to review than other products such as sex toys or kink gear. What we individually find aesthetically pleasing in clothing, and what fits each of our wonderful and unique bodies, is so infinitely variable that it’s often hard to know how to review lingerie in a way that is likely to be helpful to anyone. With that said, let’s take a look at this offering from Lovehoney’s Free Spirit lingerie line.

Content warning: this review touches briefly on sizeism and clothing being made with thin folks in mind. Please feel free to skip if that’s going to be difficult for you!

Initial Impressions

“I hate pink,” I text my partner. But this isn’t fair – I don’t hate pink per se. It’s a perfectly attractive colour, taken in isolation. What I hate are the associations of pink. The way that anything that’s assumed to be “for women” (let’s not unpack all the problems with that right now) is plastered in it as if all 3.5 billion of us just go mad over this one specific colour. The fact that it’s used – along with blue – to aggressively gender infants before they are old enough to have any sense of who they really are. The fucking pink tax. But I digress.

The Free Spirit lingerie lines look pinkish-purple, almost lilac, on the website images. In real life, though, these pieces are most definitely PINK. Paired with the dark blue straps and detailing, the effect is quite striking, though I can’t say it’s really my aesthetic. For a certain type of femme look, though, it’s cute.

Model wearing the pink and blue Free Spirit lingerie bra by Lovehoney

My other first impression was “lol my tits are never gonna fit in that.” We’ll talk more about fit shortly.

My Free Spirit bra set came simply packaged in a transparent plastic wrap.

Getting into it…

Anyone who has seen me try on lingerie will know that it is not, typically, a sexy sight. It usually involves me getting tangled in straps, swearing, possibly falling over, and trying not to ruin some fancy lace with my unkempt fingernails. So I seriously appreciate that rarest of holy grails: lingerie that is easy to put on and take off.

The Free Spirit bra was a breeze – you adjust the band to fit, slip it over your head and into place, and tie it up. Be aware that the bra is a halter-neck style, so if you struggle to tie things behind you you’ll need to ask someone to help you fasten it up.

Back view of the model wearing the Free Spirit lingerie bra by Lovehoney

The knickers, though, are another story. As you can see from the images, they are straps and straps and straps galore! It took me a number of attempts to get into them properly, and then I kept finding one strap or another twisted and having to readjust. I’d never wear these to an event where I thought I might be having sex, because it would take me half an hour to get back into them afterwards!

Fit

This set is pitched as “one size fits most” but we all know that isn’t really a thing. I strongly suspect that the “one size” thing is a way to keep costs down, as this line is markedly cheaper than many other Lovehoney lingerie ranges. And it is extremely clear from the design of this set that, though it may be adjustable and ostensibly fit anyone up to a size 16, it was ultimately designed with smaller bodies in mind.

I currently wear a UK size 14 and I didn’t find these pieces to be a good fit. My boobs are… probably a E or F cup at this point? (I don’t really know, I haven’t had a bra fitting in like a decade.) And the Free Spirit bra really did not contain them at all. The adjustable band and tie-up halterneck worked well, but the one-size cups will be woefully inadequate for anyone above a C cup.

The knickers were more of the same. The waistband is adjustable, but the thin decorative straps, though stretchy, are not. They stretched uncomfortably over my stomach and pulled the whole piece out of shape. They dug in and kept twisting out of shape, and the thong was pulled so far up my butt that I felt like the damn thing was trying to cut me in half!

This set is supposedly for UK sizes 8 – 16, and there is a plus-size version for sizes 18 – 24. Interestingly, the plus-size version has different knickers which come without all the strappy bits, which I think proves my point that these knickers were designed with thin folks in mind.

If you are a size 8-10, this set may work well for you. If you wear a larger size or have larger breasts, I recommend looking elsewhere.

Comfort

The lace is not as soft as the lace Lovehoney use on some of their other lingerie pieces, though I suppose that is to be expected at this comparatively low price-point. It’s not horribly scratchy or anything, but don’t expect it to feel super luxurious either. The satin of the bands is soft and feels nice against the skin, though.

The poor fit was the real comfort killer, though, and I don’t see myself wearing this set again now that I’ve written this review.

How did I feel wearing it?

As you’ve probably gathered, this set didn’t work for me. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad design or there’s anything wrong with it as such, but it wasn’t a good fit for my body. It emphasised all the bits of my body I’m uncomfortable with, and made me feel inadequate because it was clearly not designed with people of my body-type in mind.

I want to wear lingerie that makes me look in the mirror and go “yes!” This was not that.

Final thoughts

Overall, I think this is the least strong of Lovehoney’s recent lingerie offerings. Moonlight and Wild Blooms blew me away, and some of their one-size body stockings and mini-dresses have worked well for me… but this range would really have benefited from being made in a wider array of sizing options.

I applaud Lovehoney for creating a lower-priced offering, but I’m underwhelmed by the execution.

The Free Spirit Bra Set retails for £19.99.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me these pieces in exchange for an honest review. All opinions are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this post. Image is courtesy of Lovehoney and reproduced with permission.

The Kinky Love Languages: Giving & Receiving Gifts

I started this series months ago with Words of Affirmation and then it fell by the wayside along with many other things as I coped with the overall garbage fire that was 2019. But we’re back and today we’re talking the love language of gifts! Let’s go. (And if you don’t know your love language, take the quiz to find out!)

A content warning that this post does discuss spending money, so if that’s difficult or stressful for you please feel free to skip this one. I have tried to be mindful of different budgets and provide a range of options for each suggestion.

Giving and receiving gifts is often regarded as the poor cousin to the other four main love languages. Those who feel an affinity with this method of showing and receiving love tend to be derided as materialistic, shallow, or throwing money at a relationship in lieu of actually making an effort.

However, I believe that is unfair. The people I’ve spoken to for whom this is a primary love language take care to point out that it’s not about the money spent or the value of the gift. Instead, it’s about the love and affection that goes into picking out the perfect thing for your partner.

The “gifts” in this context do not have to be big, expensive and extravagant presents – nor probably, in most instances, should they be. This love language is about paying attention to the things your partner loves or what they need, and giving them things that reflect that care and attention. Buying their favourite brand of tea before they sleep over, bringing them a bar of chocolate after a bad day, or picking up a cute trinket you saw for £1 because it made you think of them all come under the “giving and receiving gifts” love-language umbrella.

So how can this one relate to kinky dynamics?

How to love a submissive whose love language is gifts

In my experience, very often what submissives want more than anything is to feel truly seen and known by their Dominants. Another thing that is very often important to submissives is to feel taken care of. The love language of gifts gives you, as a Dominant, tonnes of opportunity to provide for these basic and important needs.

So pay attention to what your submissive likes! Listen for cues, watch the things they lust after or buy for themselves. Take note of things like any favourite colours, foods, hobbies or artists. That way, when you have cause to buy them a present – for a special occasion or “just because” – you can get them something really perfect.

Is your submissive always working hard and barely taking time for themselves? You could give them a gift which says “I’m giving you permission to relax” – say, a nice bath bomb or the latest issue of their favourite magazine? Perhaps the heating in their apartment is wonky, so you buy them a big snuggly blanket to keep them warm on cold days. Have they been wanting to write more? A beautiful notebook might be the perfect present.

Sexy gifts are also a great option, if your relationship includes sex! Why not surprise your submissive with a new vibrator, masturbator, or super pretty dildo? They’ll think of you fondly every time they use it!

Finally, consider the meaning of gifts that signify your relationship and importance to each other. You’ll need to negotiate its meaning fully, of course, and I don’t advocate springing this on someone without discussion – but for many submissives, their collar will be the most precious gift they ever receive. If that’s not right for your relationship (or they already have one,) then other options might be a special piece of jewellery, a harness, some beautiful underwear, or even a kink toy that is only for the two of you to use together.

How to love a Dominant whose love language is gifts

A good way to think of this is to frame the idea of giving the perfect gifts to your Dominant as an act of service. Many Doms love the idea of a submissive who pays attention and can anticipate their needs. Notice what their favourite snacks are and make sure you have them in. Bring them a coffee when you meet them at the end of a long day. Stressed out Dom? Buy massage oil and read up on how to give a really good massage. As with any other partner, keep notes on their favourite things and use this knowledge to guide your gift-giving.

A way to take this a step further, if you’re so inclined, is to make it your mission to seek out something special for them that they haven’t been able to get. Is there a book they really want that’s out of print, an edition of a game that’s no longer made, or a limited edition version of something that would make their eyes light up? If you have the chance, making an extra effort in this way can be a profound show of love – and service.

Kinky toys and tools are absolutely ideal gifts to give Dominants, too. Pay attention to what things they pick up and admire when you go to the fetish market together, or what things they’ve mentioned they really want to try. File this information away for later then, when you have occasion to give them a gift, you can surprise them with something that they’ll get endless joy out of using (on you, naturally.) Have you ever given a sadist a new whip as a present? I recommend it.

And kinky presents don’t have to stop at physical things. What about a ticket to a kink event you’ve been wanting to go to together, or a course of lessons in rope, whip technique, or some other skill they’ve been wanting to learn?

If you wish, you could even turn giving gifts to your Dominant into a kinky thing in and of itself. I am far from an expert in “financial Domination” and it’s something I encourage you to be extremely careful with and set firm limits around… but if the idea of showering your Dom with gifts and treats as part of your submission, or pretending you are being “made” to do it, gets you off then this can be a fun thing to play with.

Additional tips that are good for anyone

At the end of the day, most people love to receive the kinds of gifts that show thought, consideration, and a true knowledge of who they are. Regardless of whether you’re kinky or vanilla, a Dom or a sub or something else, you can show love to your partner by giving them the occasional well-considered, well-timed gift.

If you’re in a long-distance relationship, consider gifts that help your partner feel connected to you. This could be as simple as sneaking a shirt that smells like you into their luggage before they leave, or as elaborate as buying them a fancy app-controlled sex toy for use during your sexting sessions.

Homemade gifts are almost always wonderful. So if you have a talent, use it! I own two paintings and several pieces of jewellery made for me by my partner The Artist, and I absolutely cherish these things. I’ve made everything from chocolate chip cookies to knitted items for loved ones, and they’re always really well received.

Finally, gifts don’t have to be physical items! Something I treasure immensely is when a partner gives me a gift of an experience for us to do together. This could be buying dinner at their favourite restaurant, going to see a show together, or almost anything that they’ll love doing and love doing with you. This works particularly well for anyone who sits at the intersection of “receiving gifts” and “quality time” in their love languages.

What’s your love language? Has your Dominant or submissive ever given you a really amazing present? Tweet me or tell me about it in the comments!

Affiliate links appear in this post.

Masturbation Monday: Re-learning How to Masturbate with My Fingers

It seems strange to me, now, to think back to a time before I owned sex toys (or when I’d only tried bad or ineffective ones.) Up until Mr CK bought me my Doxy and then a few months later I started this blog, the vast majority of my masturbation was done with my fingers.

Over the last few years, as this blog has grown and I’ve tested more and more sex toys and found a growing number that I really love, I just… stopped masturbating by hand. It was never a conscious decision. But when you have toys to test and write about, you use them. And after a while, it becomes a habit, and then the new normal.

Now, I still love my sex toys, of course! (Some more than others.) But I recently re-remembered just why I used to enjoy masturbating using nothing but my fingers.

It started because I’d forgotten to charge any of my usual go-to toys. I didn’t have time to stick one on charge and wait an hour or two, because I was ready for bed and just wanting a quick orgasm to help me sleep. So I decided to see if I could still get myself off with nothing but my hands.

Something I really enjoy doing is working myself up by watching porn or reading erotica, and seeing how long I can go before I simply have to touch myself. This is partly a way to indulge my denial kink by myself, partly a way to make masturbation more comfortable by ensuring my body is really ready for it, and partly a way to make my eventual orgasm really explosive. So I pulled up some erotica and started reading.

I found a really, really hot story which spoke to my kinks perfectly, and it wasn’t long before my cunt was dripping onto the bed. I dipped my fingers in and spread my wetness all over my labia, circling my clit but avoiding touching it directly. Making myself really desperate. Stroking and teasing my inner thighs, pulling gently on my outer and inner labia, thinking about having a hot sadistic Dominant making me beg to be allowed one little touch where I most needed it.

Flipping to the next chapter in the filthy smutty story, I finally allowed my fingers to drift to my aching clit, rubbing it oh-so-gently at first. I’m very quiet when I’m masturbating – a habit learned from years of living first at home and then in shared housing – but if I’d been playing with another person, this is the point where I would start barely-coherently pleading for them to rub harder, faster, stop teasing me (and yet sort of hoping they continued to tease for just a bit longer.) As it was, I couldn’t help thrusting against my own hand, torn between my body’s need for more friction and my desire to hold back and enjoy the clenching, frustrated ache.

When I couldn’t stand it any longer, I allowed my fingers to move faster, rubbing my clit in circles. It brought me to the edge ridiculously quickly. I pulled my hand away and this time a little needy whimper did escape. My hand grasped at a handful of the bedsheet as I spread my legs wide and forced myself to wait, counting thirty seconds to allow my cunt to calm down and come back from the edge.

I edged myself again and again and then again, sucking my own wetness off my fingers in between each one. Every time I pulled my fingers away just before tumbling over into orgasm, I thought of that same sadistic Dominant, speaking to me in a level, measured tone in perfect contrast to my increasingly frantic whimpers and pleas. “Not yet, Kitten. You can wait just a little bit longer, can’t you? I know it hurts but you want to be a good girl, don’t you?”

I seriously considered not allowing myself to come at all, and going to sleep wet and needy. But I was worried about my ability to sleep, so decided to save that particular self-inflicted torture for another occasion.

Allowing my fingers to drift back to my clit, I focused on circling it slowly and deliberately, bringing myself back to the edge. By this time I was so aroused that even the most feather-light touches were enough to get me close.

“This is all the stimulation you’re getting,” my imaginary sadist told me, as I resisted rubbing harder. “If you really need to come, this will be enough.”

That’s what was in my head when I let myself fall over the edge, my toes curling and legs shaking with one of the most intense and satisfying orgasms I’d had in a very long time.

Sex toys are brilliant, but sometimes I need to be reminded that my fingers were my clit’s best friends for a long time for a reason.

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Masturbation Monday is a blogging meme owned and run by Kayla Lords, where tonnes of amazing writers share smutty fiction, true life stories, and essays about wanking! Click the logo to see who else is having fun this week! If you enjoyed this filthy little true story, please buy me a coffee to show your appreciation!

[Toy Review] Satisfyer Luxury Prêt-à-porter

The Short Verdict: the same Satisfyer you know and love… but fancy!

So when it comes to the list of Things Amy Does Not Understand, “fashion” ranks somewhere between “football” and “quantum physics.” I don’t get it, I’ve never got it, and I highly doubt I ever will. That’s maybe why I was a bit baffled when the Satisfyer Prêt-à-porter (along with its sister product, the Satisfyer High Fashion) landed on my doorstep. The premise of these toys, as far as I can tell, is “take the same basic technology as all of Satisfyer’s pressure-wave stimulators, but use fancy materials and stick fashion-words on the box.”

I am embarrassed to admit I had to Google the meaning of “Prêt-à-porter.” (It’s “ready to wear,” for anyone curious, which makes zero sense as a name for a sex toy, but let’s run with it.)

What makes the Prêt-à-porter different?

The Satisfyer Prêt-à-porter is a pressure-wave clitoral stimulator, with a vibrating motor added. Function-wise, it’s very similar to the Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration (an enduring favourite of mine.) And when I say “very similar” what I really mean is “functionally identical” – right down to the same ten vibration settings and the eleven pressure-wace intensity settings.

The Satisfyer Prêt-à-porter side-on in my hand

Aesthetically, the Prêt-à-porter follows the rose-gold-and-white theme that Satisfyer have used a number of times over the years. The main difference – upgrade, if you like – is in the materials used. The underside and nozzle of the toy is silicone as usual, but this silicone feels noticeably softer, smoother and altogether more luxurious than on any of the other Satisfyer products I own. The silicone of the nozzle, i.e. the bit that actually rests against the clitoris in use, is lovely and squishy. The rose-gold accents are listed as being made of “precious metal,” but this is rather non-specific! I’ve seen it suggested that they are aluminium and copper, but have not had this confirmed for sure.

The Satisfyer Prêt-à-porter in my hand

The top side of the toy is coated in white leather. I have mixed views on this. It does look stylish and sleek, there’s no doubt about that. However, leather is also a porous material, meaning it is impossible to get completely clean. The leather part does not actually go against the body in use, but it is inevitable that some lube or sex-fluids will be transferred, and I really question how sanitary this can be in the long-term. I also acknowledge that a lot of people, especially vegetarians and vegans, have complicated feelings around the ethics of leather as a material.

Other important things

The Satisfyer Prêt-à-porter is waterproof, making for easier cleaning as well as allowing you to use it in the bath or shower if you wish. It is USB rechargeable and the charge time is a rather long 4 hours for 60 – 75 minutes of playtime.

Disappointingly, and unlike other Satisfyer pressure-wave toys, the Prêt-à-porter’s nozzle is not removable.

At the higher settings, the Prêt-à-porter is also rather loud.

How did it fare in use?

The first time I used this toy, I had not masturbated or had sex in close to two weeks (recovering from surgery is fun, y’all!) So it is perhaps unsurprising that I reached orgasm in record-quick time. In order to give the Prêt-à-porter a fair trial, I tested it two more times on other occasions.

The shape, angle and softness of the Prêt-à-porter’s head is near-perfect for my clit, surrounding it comfortably. The wider rim of the nozzle also means that when the vibrations and pressure-waves are switched on at the same time, your clit receives both direct stimulation to the glans and indirect stimulation all around it as well.

The Satisfyer Prêt-à-porter viewed from the nozzle end

A quick note on positioning: in order to get the nozzle to sit correctly against your clit, hold the toy with the leather side (the side with the buttons) facing downwards. It took me a minute of experimenting to figure this out.

The Prêt-à-porter’s vibrations are very buzzy. The motor that is in this toy would never, ever be enough to get me off on its own. However, I mind this a lot less when combined with the pressure-wave stimulator, because the vibrations are a nice add-on rather than the main purpose of the toy. Still, stronger and rumblier vibrations would improve this toy no end.

The ability to control the vibrations and pressure-waves separately are key to getting the most out of the Prêt-à-porter. I do wish they’d provided a two-button interface for the vibrations, though. With the pressure-waves you can switch up and down between settings, but with the vibrations you have to scroll all the way through if you want to go back a setting. The buttons are easy to press and give a satisfying “click.”

Despite some flaws, I am very happy to report that the Prêt-à-porter consistently brings me to toe-curling orgasm in just a few minutes!

So is it worth the price difference?

I’m going to say… maybe.

By far the biggest plus-points for me with the Prêt-à-porter are the size, shape and squishiness of the head. This alone has won me over! The aesthetic is nice but I don’t care that much – substance is much more important than style when it comes to the things I put in/on/around my bits. The downsides are the noise and – from a hygiene perspective – the use of leather and non-removable nozzle.

Overall, my experience was positive and I will definitely be using the Prêt-à-porter again. However, it retails for a slightly eye-watering $119.95 and you can get the Pro Plus Vibration for literally half the price. if you’re on a budget I’m not sure there’s truly $60 worth of difference between the two.

Support Coffee & Kink by buying your Satisfyer Luxury Prêt-à-porter from Shevibe or Peepshow Toys.

Thanks to Satisfyer for sending me this product. All views are, as always, my own. Affiliate links are used within this post.

Image in header banner is courtesy of Satisfyer and reproduced with permission. Other images are by me.

2019 Round-Up: Best New Sex Toys

2019 has been a garbage fire from beginning to end. So in lieu of an actual end-of-year post, which will just make me cry, I wanted to do a quick rundown of the best sex toys I’ve tried this year (plus a quick honourable mention for the worst, just for fun.)

Let’s dive in, shall we?

Rocks Off Chaiamo

Coming in 5th place is the Chaiamo by Rocks Off, a little gem of a classic vibrator with a tapered tip and a surprisingly powerful motor.

RRP: £39.99 / $54.99.

Available from Lovehoney UK, Lovehoney USA and Shevibe.

The Rocks Off Chaiamo vibrator in black

Godemiche Offbeat

4th place goes to the Offbeat by Godemiche, a brilliant simple masturbator for penis-owners brought to us by everyone’s favourite purveyors of beautiful, colourful silicone creations.

RRP: £20 (small) or £25 (large)

Available from Godemiche.

The Godemiche Offbeat on the side of a bath, around a purple dildo

Satisfyer Power Flower

Satisfyer have churned out a real mixed bag of products this year. My far and away favourite, thought, and taking third place in this year’s round-up of best toys goes to the Power Flower, a strange fluttering thing that brought me to orgasm in less than a minute.

RRP: $49.99

Available from Peepshow Toys or Shevibe.

Womanizer/Lovehoney Pro40

Taking second place this year is this collaboration between adult industry powerhouses Lovehoney and Womanizer. The Pro40 is an intuitively-designed clitoral suction toy that feels absolutely incredible and has become a nightstand staple for me this year.

RRP: £99.99 / $119.99

Available from Lovehoney and Lovehoney US.

The Womanizer Pro40 black and rose gold clitoral suction toy lying on a white bedsheet.

Zumio S

The top spot this year is probably the biggest surprise to me of all! After failing to get on with the Zumio Original, I was absolutely blown away by the new S model with its softer, slightly wider tip. A very deserving winner of Amy’s Top Toy 2019!

RRP: $140

Available from Zumio or Shevibe

And the worst…

Just before we go, let’s have an honourable mention for the worst product that has landed on my desk and genitals this year…

Satisfyer Multifun

I don’t know how Satisfyer manage to absolutely knock it out of the park with amazing products like the Power Flower and my enduring favourite, the Pro Plus Vibration… and then somehow also make this. This absolute inexplicable mess is literally no good for any purpose I could find and continues to simply confound sex bloggers by being bafflingly, bizarrely awful. A worthy winner of Worst Sex Toy 2019, I’m sure you’ll agree.

What were your favourite products this year, babes?

This post contains affiliate links. All views are, as ever, completely my own. If you’d like to support me in continuing to bring sex positive content to you and review sex toys in 2020, please buy me a coffee.

[Toy Review] Hot Octopuss DiGiT & AMO

I received these products in fairly quick succession, so I decided I’d do something a bit different and try a compareview (that’s a comparison/review!) of Hot Octopuss’s two new toys, the DiGiT finger vibe and the AMO bullet. And, because I enjoy a bit of friendly competition, I’m going to award a point in each section of the review and finish by telling you which one I recommend more!

What’s all the buzz?

Hot Octopuss burst onto the adult industry scene in 2013 with the Pulse III, a toy for penis-owners that utilises PulsePlate, a patented technology based on medical science (read more here if you’re a dork, like me. It’s fascinating.) Since then, they’ve branched out, with products including an oscillating toy for vulvas, vibrating cock-rings, and a mini version of the Pulse. Their latest two offerings are DiGiT and AMO, pictured above.

DiGiT is a finger-vibrator, with two plastic loops at the base. You pop two fingers through these loops and the shaft of the vibe rests against the length of one finger, essentially becoming an extension of your hand while you play.

AMO is a more traditional bullet vibe, with a shaft that widens at the top and offers one side that has a gentle curve and one with a pinpoint tip for more targeted stimulation.

Stats, Size and Other Important Things

DiGiT and AMO are both USB rechargeable, giving around 40 minutes of running time on a full charge. I would really prefer a longer battery life – it often takes me 20-30 minutes to reach orgasm, which functionally means having to charge the toy before every session.

Both toys are USB rechargeable and waterproof.

Size-wise, there’s not much in it either. DiGiT is slightly heavier (58g to the AMO’s 43g) while AMO is a little longer (9.5cm vs DiGiT’s 8.7cm.)

The Hot Octopuss DiGiT and AMO vibrators lying on a white sheet.
Left: DiGiT. Right: AMO.

The main shaft of both toys is made of soft and body-safe black silicone. The bases (and, in DiGIT’s case, the finger loops) are plastic. A generous slather of water-based lube will improve your experience! They’re a bit small to easily use with condoms, though you could if you felt so inclined. Because these toys are waterproof, you can clean them with gentle soap and warm water. To sterilise them more thoroughly, use a body-safe medical wipe before washing normally.

These toys are designed to be used externally. You could use them inside the vagina if you wished, but they are not anal-safe (especially AMO, which has nothing at all to stop the toy disappearing inside – just don’t risk it, please.)

Thus far, it’s a draw.

Innovation

Now, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking a tried-and-true formula and doing it well! Bullet vibes are pretty much a staple in the adult industry – almost every major toy company I can think of have one in their product line. AMO does, however, have an edge over the standard bullet vibes that are everywhere, in that the unique shape really does add something extra (more on that later!)

DiGiT is a more unusual idea. While wear-it-on-your-finger vibrators do, of course, exist elsewhere, all the ones I’ve ever tried have either been made of unsafe materials, had such weak vibrations that my finger could do a better job by itself, or both. The two-loops design is also something I haven’t seen before and makes the toy more comfortable to wear.

DiGiT wins the innovation round!

Aesthetics

Hot Octopuss toys have a distinct style to them, and these two are no exception. DiGiT’s base and finger loops are a kind of brown/bronze colour with a gold band separating the base from the shaft. The Hot Octopuss name is stamped into the silicone on the side of the toy and the crown logo is embossed on one of the finger loops. After just a couple of uses, though, this logo started to rub off. AMO’s plastic base is a dark red at the bottom which fades to black where it blends with the main body at the join. The company name is embossed on the side of the base. Both toys have the Hot Octopuss crown logo stamped on the bottom of their base.

The base of the Hot Octopuss AMO vibrator with the company's crown logo stamped into it.

Aesthetics-wise, AMO wins for me. They’re both perfectly attractive toys but the red and black is such a stylish and sexy combo.

Settings and Controls

On both toys, the on/off/change setting button is on one side of the shaft and the up/down speed buttons are on the other.

The button placement is kinda awkward on the DiGiT. Because it was attached to the fingers of my wanking hand, I could only change the settings by either curling my thumb under at a really unnatural angle or bringing my other hand into play.

The Hot Octopuss DiGiT on s woman's hand.

Full disclosure, though: I’m left-handed. I did also try the toy on my right hand and this does, indeed, make the button placement feel somewhat more intuitive (the up/down buttons are perfectly placed to press them with your thumb). It loses points for me, though, for being significantly less accessible and user-friendly for lefties like myself.

The button placement is much less of an issue on the AMO simply because of the way you use it. When I used it in my left hand, the speed buttons were well placed to easily push with my index finger.

DiGiT has five speeds and five patterns, while AMO has six speeds and five patterns

AMO takes the point again for user-friendliness and for that one additional speed.

Which is more powerful?

They’re… honestly identical.

I haven’t confirmed this with Hot Octopuss directly but I would be stunned if it was not the exact same motor in both toys.

To a power-queen like myself, these toys are what I would define as middling-powerful. The vibrations are strong and reasonably rumbly, but not blow-your-socks-off. They’re both slow-build toys for me; not powerful enough to get me off in five minutes, but certainly not “vainly smooshing it against my clitoris and vainly hoping I feel SOMETHING” either.

It’s a draw on this one.

My experience in use

I enjoyed using both of these toys. However, I don’t see myself reaching for the DiGiT for solo play very often in the future. AMO, though, has joined the pile of regular, reliable toys which lives in the easy access basket by my bed.

The reason for this is simple: the shapes! DiGiT’s smooth surface felt perfectly nice, but AMO’s pinpoint tip really blew me away. Unless the vibrations in a toy are EXTREMELY powerful, I tend to need fairly concentrated clitoral stimulation to get maximum enjoyment out of it. The AMO’s shape is perfect for angling against my clit for just the right level of direct stimulation. Mmmm!

No contest in this one: AMO wins hands-down.

Price

DiGiT retails for £59 directly from Hot Octopuss, and AMO retails for £49.

The price difference here makes this an easy one – AMO takes another point.

So which one should I get?

As we’ve seen, these toys are functionally quite similar in a number of ways. I enjoyed using both of them, and will certainly use them again. However, thanks to its aesthetic, that delicious pinpoint tip, and the slightly cheaper price, I personally recommend AMO over DiGiT.

A special discount just for you…

From right now until 23 December 2019, my readers can get 20% off both DiGiT and AMO! Just buy directly from Hot Octopuss using my links and enter code CAK20. You’re welcome!

Thanks to Hot Octopuss for sending me these products to review. All views are, as ever, completely my own. Affiliate links are contained within this post.

Love Shouldn’t Be a Game of Mao

Trigger warning: this post contains very frank and explicit discussion of abusive dynamics and brief mention of sexual assault.

There exists, I recently learned, an absolutely horrible card game called “Mao.”

Mao forbids players from explaining the rules, and new players have to figure it out by trial and error… with punishment (in the form of extra cards, when the goal is to get rid of your entire hand) when they inevitably break them. To add to the complication, the rules can be changed and new rules can be added with every additional round.

When my friend explained the premise of Mao to me, I quipped “you don’t know the rules but you get punished if you break them? Sounds like my last relationship!” Everyone laughed, which was my intention (it was a joke!). But the more I think about this, the more I realise how frighteningly true it actually is.

Abusers often don’t want you to understand the rules

My first abuser was an asshat, but a predictable one. Being with him was far from fun, but it was a system I learned how to live within. As long as I did whatever he wanted sexually without complaint, I was safe. When he cheated on me and left me in the end, the thing I was angriest with myself for was not having seen it coming – when I really should have.

My second and more recent abuser, though, was a different beast entirely. His game was almost entirely psychological, and he was damn good at it. What he did, systematically and over a period of years, was break my brain. He rearranged my sense of self and my worldview until I couldn’t trust whether or not what I was seeing was actually happening.

I never want to feel about anyone else the way I felt about him in the beginning. I was barely out of my teens and he made me lose my mind. Because I was so charmed – dazzled, even – I couldn’t think straight and I made stupid decisions as a result. Which was, I realise now, all part of how he reeled me in. Later on, as we were together longer and longer, I lost my mind in a different way.

Because what was so maddening about being in that relationship was the way that I never understood the rules. I wasn’t told them, simply punished for breaking them. Because this particular breed of narcissistic emotional abuser is a master manipulator – and it serves their purposes to have their victim always feel slightly off-balance. It is impossible to feel safe, secure or sane in a system where you don’t know what the basic parameters are and no-one will tell you.

You can’t learn to follow the rules if they always change

Going back to Mao again for a second; what I found the most frustrating about this horrible game (that I played for maybe fifteen minutes before I went “NOPE”) was the way that I would just begin to get a handle on the rules… and then they’d change again.

My abusive relationship was like that, too. Something that made him happy a week ago would suddenly get me screamed at. If I avoided an action I’d otherwise have wanted to take, because doing it had previously been met with punishment, he’d act confused and hurt: “why would you think I wouldn’t let you do that?” Something that had been fine for literally years was suddenly and arbitrarily completely off-limits. And, of course, I wouldn’t be told until it was too late.

He’d set me a task and then, when I succeeded, move the goalposts. My success wouldn’t count or I would suddenly conveniently have “misunderstood” the task.

The. Rules. Always. Fucking. Changed.

This is because abusers don’t want you to succeed.

My abuser is far, far from unique in any of this. Abusers’ entire MO, especially when they’re the kind of person who gets off on gaslighting and manipulation, is to set up unwinnable games. That way, when you inevitably fail again and again and again – because there was never any way to succeed – they feel justified in criticising you, putting you down, screaming at you, heaping judgement on you. The entire point of these games is to put their victim in the position of the “bad guy,” the one who just cannot seem to manage to be good enough no matter how hard they try.

And I can tell you exactly where this leads. This leads to genuinely believing you’re a curse who ruined his life (but shouldn’t leave because then he wouldn’t have a convenient warm body to fuck, the only thing you’re good for.) It leads to cowering in a corner in his living room and sobbing, vainly hoping the neighbours will hear him – this man who is much older, much bigger, and much more powerful than you – screaming at you at the top of his voice and come to check if you’re okay. It leads to still jumping at shadows five years later, because your amygdala still sometimes literally expects that your world is about to come crashing down for breaking an arbitrary rule you didn’t even know existed.

Love shouldn’t be like this

Love shouldn’t be a game of Mao.

A relationship should not be a series of ever-changing rules, unwinnable games and rigged emotional booby-traps designed to throw you off balance and make you crazy.

Your partner should not be a capricious game-master who gets off on waiting for you to break a rule you didn’t know about and punishing you for it.

I deserved better. It took me years to understand that, to get up the strength to throw the cards on the ground and say “I’m not playing this stupid game any more”. But I always deserved better, and so do you.

If you’re in a situation where your lover is the game-master in an unwinnable game, please reach out to someone you trust – a friend, family member, therapist or other professional. Please explore resources in your area and start making a safety plan to leave. You deserve better.

Fuck, reach out to me if you want and I’ll listen to you and help you find the resources you need.

Because love shouldn’t be a game of Mao.

[Toy Review] Zumio S

Those of you who have been reading my work for some time may remember that I tried the original Zumio last year. I’d had extremely high hopes for it, as it was touted as The Ultimate Clitoral Toy and, well, clit stimulation is my jam. But I loved it much less than I hoped/expected to, and ultimately it’s sat in my sex toy stash drawers unused for the last year. I just didn’t get on with it

Therefore, when Zumio approached me to review their new S model – designed for those who are more sensitive or didn’t enjoy the intensity of the original model – how could I say no?

S is for… Stats

The Zumio S follows broadly the same model as the original Zumio. It features the trademarked SpiroTIP, a very small head which works not by vibrating, but by spinning very fast in tiny circles. The idea is that many people with vulvas enjoy fast circular motion on their clitoris. The Zumio can achieve this more intensely and for longer than a finger. As sex toys go, it was a genuinely innovative idea. I know a lot of people who loved the original toy.

The Zumio S is a slightly lighter shade of purple than the original. It comes with a cap to protect the fragile tip when not in use. The overall aesthetic can best be described as a slightly futuristic electric toothbrush.

The Zumio S is a rechargeable toy and comes with a little charging cup that you stand the toy in, as well as a cable which you can plug into any USB adapter. According to the copy, the charging time from low battery to full charge is a slightly ridiculous SIXTEEN HOURS. But honestly I found four quite sufficient. The battery life from a full charge is around 4 hours, depending on intensity of use.

This toy is waterproof up to a depth of 0.5 metres, should you wish to take it into the bath or shower. It also has a travel lock, so you can prevent it turning on by mistake in your bag! (Always awkward. Ask me how I know.)

S is for… Safety

The Zumio S is made of ABS plastic with a silicone cover over the plastic SpiroTIP. This means it is completely body-safe. A generous slather of water-based lube will greatly enhance your experience with this toy and reduce any risk of discomfort from the sheer intensity of it.

As the Zumio S is waterproof, you can wash it in warm water with some gentle soap. To sterilise it, sit the tip in a 10% bleach solution for ten minutes then rinse thoroughly, or use a body-safe medical wipe. Click here for a more in-depth guide to cleaning your sex toys.

S is for… Settings, Power and Controls

The Zumio S features 8 levels of intensity and – praise whatever deity you believe in – no fucking annoying patterns!

This toy features a simple 3-button interface, with a small on/off button and the up/down power buttons set in a figure-8 shape just above. The buttons have raised edges, making them easy to feel for without needing to pause to look for them. I did find the power buttons a little fiddly and sometimes had to press them more than once before the setting changed, which was annoying.

I should say, for the benefit of fans of the Zumio Original, that the S is definitely gentler. But “gentler” is also relative and this toy still packs a serious punch.

S is for… (Some of) My Experience

I’ll be honest: my Zumio S hasn’t left my bedside since I first tested it. I really, really like this toy! The slightly wider and silicone-covered (and therefore softer) tip really solves the “so intense it’s painful” experience I had with the original model. And what’s left is just… the glorious kind of intensity.

If I’m sufficiently warmed up, the Zumio S can bring me to orgasm in less than five minutes. For me, that’s very fast. On the other hand, if I’m in the mood for a slower and more involved play session, I like to start out with the S on the lowest setting and slowly build up and up and up.

One thing to note is that this is definitely a “first orgasm” or a “one orgasm” toy for me. I tried using it to get myself off a second time, and found the type of stimulation was all wrong for that. Once I’ve come once, I need broader and deeper stimulation for subsequent orgasms. (Doxy time, anyone!?) As with anything in sex, your mileage may well vary.

S is for… So what’s the verdict?

If you are a fan of intense and focused clitoral stimulation, get yourself one of these! If, like me, you tried the original Zumio and found the tip too small or too hard, the S might just surprise you. A couple of small annoyances notwithstanding, Zumio have absolutely knocked it out of the park with this one.

The Zumio S retails for $140 at Shevibe. I’ve not been able to find a UK stockist outside of Amazon yet, but I’m hoping Lovehoney will get it in stock soon!

Thank you to Zumio for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. As ever, all views are my own. Images are property of Zumio. Affiliate links are contained within this post.

Six Ways to Be More Fierce

“And though she be but little, she is fierce!”
– William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream

This is possibly my favourite quote in all of Shakespeare, but what does it mean to be fierce? I took to Twitter and asked my brilliant followers what they thought. The answers were, as always, brilliantly insightful and brilliantly diverse. The themes that came up again and again were power, confidence, sass, self-love, and taking no shit.

So let’s explore some ways you can bring more fierceness into your life.

Strive to give fewer fucks what people think

Living true to yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself in life. If other people don’t like it, fuck them. Are you striving to be a decent person, operating with compassion and consideration for others? Then go do your thing! People will always find something not to like. You don’t have to dwell on it. That’s a them problem.

Stop apologising

Many people, especially women and those socialised as women, have a deeply ingrained tendency to apologise when they really shouldn’t. When something is actually your fault? Sure, apologise then. But in all other situations, and especially where someone else has actually caused you harm or inconvenienced you? Stop fucking apologising. When an apology is about to fall out of your mouth, pause and count to five and ask yourself if it’s really, truly warranted. 99 times out of 100, it won’t be.

Take up space

Whether it’s physical space with your body, emotional space with your thoughts and feelings, or air space with your voice, you deserve to take up space. You deserve to exist in the world without having to make yourself smaller for anyone else’s comfort.

Call people on their bullshit

Calling someone on their shit is one of the most liberating things you can do. I don’t mean start yelling at people for every perceived infraction. But if someone does something that legitimately pisses you off, stand up for yourself and say “no.”

Don’t let someone talk over you

If you’re talking and someone cuts you off or tries to talk over you, speak up if you can. That annoying dude in the meeting who always tries to butt in when you’re making your point? Shut that shit down! Practice the phrase “Bob, I was still speaking” in advance if you have to.

Wear something that makes you feel like a badass

Whether it’s lingerie, a super sharp suit, head to toe latex, your favourite t-shirt or nothing at all, give yourself the gift of putting on clothing that makes you feel your most amazing, powerful, fierce self. Even if you’re not going anywhere, you could snap a few amazing sexy selfies.

What makes you feel fierce?

Today’s post was brought to you by Lovehoney‘s new Fierce collection, gorgeous lingerie and fetish-wear for every body from a size 6 to a size 26. This post contains affiliate links.

#IWillBeFierce