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Five Ways to Mix Up Your Masturbation Routine

If, like me, you masturbate regularly, you might sometimes feel like your masturbation routine is getting a bit stale. That just means it’s time to change things up! The good news that there are loads of things you can do to keep your solo sex time interesting.

Try some of these suggestions…

Experiment with different kinds of touch

Do you always touch yourself in much the same way? Try experimenting with touching yourself in different places, in different ways, and at different speeds and levels of pressure.

Don’t just go straight for your genitals. Try touching your nipples, inner thighs, stomach, arms or anywhere else that feels good.

Take your time, and pay attention to your body’s authentic responses.

Read some new erotica or watch some new porn

No judgement if you always gravitate to the same scene or the same story to get yourself off! But trying out some new erotic stimulus can be a great way to keep yourself out of a masturbation rut.

Try joining a feminist porn site or checking out some new sexy erotica. Keep an open mind and you might be surprised what turns you on!

Treat yourself to a new sex toy

Do you always masturbate with your hands or with the same toy? If you can, treat yourself to a new toy that intrigues you. Sex toys are one of the best ways to experience a world of different sensations all by yourself.

Try a powerful wand, a rumbly bullet, a silicone stroker or a prostate massager… or whatever most takes your fancy!

Try a new lube

If you’re not already using lube for your masturbation, give it a go! Lube isn’t just for partnered sex and it isn’t just for people who struggle with dryness. Lube keeps everything slippery wet and friction-free, making for a more fun and pleasurable experience. It can also add different sensations, keeping your masturbation routine varied.

I recommend a high quality water-based lube for beginners, but you can also experiment with silicone lube (don’t use this with silicone toys), oil lube (not latex barrier compatible), or warming and tingling lubes.

Have phone or cyber sex

If you have a lover you don’t live with, this one is easy. But if you’re single and feeling brave, there are chat sites, cam sites and phone sex lines you can use to enjoy sexy chat with another person while you get yourself off.

Remember: tip well if you’re using a paid site, and never give out any personally identifying details!

What have you done to mix up your masturbation routine?

The Masturbation Monday logo, for a post about mixing up your masturbation routine

The Masturbation Monday meme is run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone else is getting off to this week, and please buy me a coffee if you find my work useful! Plus don’t forget it’s #MasturbationMonth and I’m working with Lovehoney to bring you sexy content all month long.

[Wearable Review] Lovehoney Brand X A Rider Zip-Up Bra Set

It’s rare I find a piece of sexy lingerie I could describe as “reasonably comfy, actually.” It’s also rare I find a piece of sexy lingerie that actually contains my boobs. Finding both of these things in one item? Well, that’s a rarely-seen miracle! The A Rider Zip-Up Bra Set, from Lovehoney’s new Brand X collection, is one such piece.

X Marks the Spot

Brand X is a new line of lingerie and fetishwear from Lovehoney, designed by a team of professional Dominatrixes. The range features 24 lines in a mixture of standard and plus sizes, from harnesses to dresses to body-stockings and more. Everything in the range is black, and made from a combination of wet-look PVC and fishnet.

The A Rider Zip-Up Bra Set from Lovehoneys Brand X range

I received the A Rider Zip-Up Bra Set. This two-piece set contains a longline bra which zips up at the front, and a hair of high-waisted knickers with zip running all the way around.

First Impressions

I loved this set from the moment I took it out of the packaging. The fetish-inspired design and fishnet decoration is just so my style. I’m actually completely in love with this whole range and might need to see if I can get my hands on some more pieces to review for you guys.

The other thing I thought when I opened up this set was “holy shit, my boobs might actually fit in that!”

Read on to find out what I thought when I actually put it on…

Comfort and Fit

Fetishwear is not often associated with comfort, and for good reason. Sky-high heels, stomach-sucking corsets and boob-sculpting underwires are hardly the epitome of cosy.

So I was delightfully surprised by how comtortable the A Rider Zip-Up Bra Set is. The wide elasticated bands and stretchy fabric means it sits comfortably and clings to your body like a glove. As there are no wires or boning, there’s nothing digging in painfully or contorting your body into uncomfortable shapes.

I also really love the easy-on nature of this set. I didn’t even have to unzip anything – I could just pull it on, adjust it into place, and go. This means I’d be likely to wear this set to a date or event where I was planning to play. It’s super easy to take off if necessary for playtime, and then put back on afterwards.

Similarly, the fact that the bra closes at the front is likely to make it more accessible and friendly to those who cannot manage back-fastening garments by themselves. No fiddling with clasps – just zip and go!

The fit, in my experience, is true to size. I wear a size 14 and received the L/XL set, which is recommended for sizes 14-16. It fits pretty much perfectly and, because it has some stretch, accommodates for a range of the bodies that sit within those clothing sizes. The S/M will fit a size 10-12, while the plus size versions cover sizes 18-24.

Finally, joy of joys, my boobs actually fit! I so often find I’m falling out of lingerie that is ostensibly my size, that finding something I don’t have to adjust every 15 seconds is a small miracle.

Aesthetics

I feel sexy as fuck when I wear my A Rider Zip-Up Bra Set! I think the idea is that the style is meant to say “Dominatrix,” but you all know that’s a thing I am definitely not. I’m pretty close to exclusively submissive these days. And actually, wearing kinktastic lingerie that makes me feel really sexy helps me tap into that headspace. (See also: the Catsuit of Joy.)

Me in the A Rider Zip-Up Bra Set from Lovehoney

I feel like this set really flatters my curves – by which I do not mean minimises them, but flaunts them unapologetically. The band of the longline bra hits in just the right place to show off the curve of my waist, and the high waisted knickers show off my full hips and my finest feature of all – my fabulous butt.

I especially love the cut out section between the top of the main bra cups and the decorative fishnet panels and straps. Something about this hint of skin, when the rest of the breasts are thoroughly covered, is just unspeakably sexy to me.

Me in the A Rider Zip-Up Bra Set from Lovehoney

The zips also add an extra sizzle of sexiness and potential. You can unzip just a little bit to tease your lover, or they can tie you up and then unzip you…

So do I recommend it?

Oh my goodness, Lovehoney have knocked it out of the park with Brand X! I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that a team of kinksters would know how to design wonderful fetishwear.

Brand X is sexy as fuck, comfortable enough to actually play in, and will look fabulous on a wide range of bodies.

The A Rider Zip-Up Bra Set retails for a very reasonable £34.99. Other pieces in the Brand X range retail from £19.99 up to £39.99.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this set in exchange for an honest review. I’m partnering with them throughout Masturbation Month to bring you sexy content and product reviews! This post features affiliate links. All views, as always, are mine.

[Toy Review] Lovehoney Sensual Beaded Glass Dildo

My shipment of review products from Lovehoney for Masturbation Month contained not one but TWO glass toys! (I reviewed the first a few days ago, check it out). I love glass sex toys and I really don’t know why I didn’t own more of them until now, considering how affordable they are. Let’s take a look at the Lovehoney Sensual Beaded Glass Dildo...

Handblown for your pleasure

The Lovehoney Sensual Beaded Glass Dildo

The Lovehoney Beaded Glass Dildo is a gently curved, handblown class toy, made up of 6 pronounced bulbs, getting smaller from the bottom to the top. It’s made of clear glass and sports the Lovehoney heart insigna stamped on the largest bead at the bottom.

Can I use glass sex toys safely?

I’m going to keep banging on about this: yes! Properly made glass sex toys are made of borosilicate glass, which is annealed to be extremely strong. It’s the same stuff that glass cookware is made of. Your glass dildo is not going to break inside you.

The Lovehoney Sensual Beaded Glass Dildo

A word of caution: if you drop your toy on a hard surface, retire it even if it looks okay. There might be cracks you can’t see which make it less safe.

But otherwise, glass sex toys are phthalate-free, non-porous, easy to sterilise, and totally body safe. So go for it and don’t stress.

Tips for using your Beaded Glass Dildo comfortably and safely…

I have to admit I was a little daunted by the Beaded Glass Dildo when I took it out of its packaging. It’s bigger than you think it’s going to be! It is 9 inches in total length, 7 inches in insertable length. The widest point of the insertable shaft is 1.35 inches wide.

This might not sound huge, but it’s a fair size when you remember that glass is completely rigid. Unlike silicone, it has no give at all. Therefore you’ll want to make sure you’re proberly warmed up before you use your Beaded Glass Dildo.

I’ve found that I need to work up to this toy. Starting out with a silicone dildo means that I can warm up, get everything stretched out, and make sure my body is receptive and ready to take this things’s bulk.

The Lovehoney Sensual Beaded Glass Dildo
Please ignore my horrible nails!

The other thing I’ve learned about glass toys is that they’re not really optimal for thrusting with. If I try to “fuck” with a glass dildo, it just hurts, and may people report similar experiences. (This is especially true if, like me, you HATE having anything hit your cervix.) Instead, I like to insert my Beaded Glass Dildo and then just wiggle it gently against my G-spot. It’s so hard that even the smallest movement gives a delicious pressure which is super pleasurable.

Remember: when you’re using a rigid toy, it’s really important to use plenty of lube. I always recommend a good quality, natural water-based lube like Sliquid Sassy! But silicone-based or oil-based is fine too, if that’s your preference.

You might find the sensation strange if you’ve never used a glass toy before. That’s really normal. If anything is painful, though, you should stop. Pain is your body’s way of indicating that something is wrong!

Can I use it anally?

Yup! The large bead at the bottom of the dildo acts as a sort of base, meaning it’s safe for butt play. Many people with prostates particularly find that stimulation with glass toys can be really pleasurable, but it can be fun for anyone.

As with all anal play, listen to your body and use more lube than you think you need. No, more lube than that. And a bit more still!

So how does it feel?

Oh my god, I love this dildo!

The bulges of the beads give an amazing full feeling, the curve is just at the perfect angle for reaching all the right spots, and the pressure of that bulb against my G-spot… mmmmffff. Honestly, this thing is near perfection. I can’t praise it enough!

What other fun things can I do with a glass dildo?

I feel like I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating!

  • If you enjoy internal vibrations, either vaginally or anally, press a powerful vibrator against the base of your Beaded Glass Dildo when it’s inside you. The glass will transmit the vibrations to all your sensitive spots. A wand is best for this.
  • Glass dildos are made for temperature play! Pop your dildo in the fridge for 20 minutes before play, or run it under warm (not hot!) water for a minute or two.

So do I recommend it?

Yes! The Lovehoney Beaded Glass Dildo is a great buy. Safe, versatile, feels amazing, and it’s even pretty to boot. At a ridiculously affordable £29.99, I heartily recommend adding one of these to your collection.

Good work, Lovehoney!

I‘m partnering with Lovehoney, who kindly sent me this toy to review, to bring you #MasturbationMay content all month long! Shopping through the affiliate links in this post supports my work at no extra cost to you. All views, as ever, are my own.

[Masturbation Monday] Watching

He watches me. His glasses perch on the bridge of his nose and his mouth curls in a small smile at my embarrassment. I feel his eyes fixed upon me, even when I close my own. Watching, always watching.

I feel his gaze as surely as hands on my skin. He can carress me from across the room with a glance. An approving nod can make my whole day, a warning raise of an eyebrow bring me back into line. Under his control. Under his watchful gaze.

Some nights he doesn’t even touch me. He just sits in the armchair, sipping a glass of Merlot or a strong black coffee, and waits for me to put on a show for him.

I stretch out on the bed, running my hands over my own body. Slowly peel off my clothing, one piece at a time. I never stop being self-conscious. Every time, I feel the flush of humiliation creep warmly through my veins. He just watches.

I pinch my own nipples until they’re erect and smarting. Spread my legs, showing him the deep pink and brown folds of my vulva, running my fingers through my curly black pubic hair. He, watching, knows that I am drippng for him.

When I can’t stand the ache between my thighs any more, I dip my fingers into my cunt. Perhaps I pause to taste my own need, savoring the faint tang of my arousal on my tongue. Or perhaps I just fuck myself, head thrown back, arching my back and thrusting my hips, exaggerating my moans because I know that’s what he wants to see.

The show ends when he’s had enough. If I haven’t had time to reach satisfaction when he says it’s time to stop, I go to sleep aching and wanting. If he wants more, I’d better keep performing for him, forcing climax after climax out of my overstimulated cunt until he’s satisfied. It is for his pleasure. My own is incidental.

Sometimes I wish he’d just fuck me, but that’s not what we do. Knowing I’m gagging for it is part of what gets him off. Knowing that he won’t fuck me. Probably he won’t even touch me. He’ll just sit there, while I make a spectacle of myself for his entertainment.

Watching.

The Masturbation Monday meme is run by Kayla Lords. This week’s prompt image, shown at the top of this post, is by the absolutely gorgeous and extremely talented Cara Thereon. Click the logo to see what everyone else is getting off to this week, and please buy me a coffee if you enjoyed this little sexy story! Plus don’t forget it’s #MasturbationMonth and I’m working with Lovehoney to bring you sexy content all month long.

[Toy Review] Lovehoney Pure Pleasure Sensual Glass Butt Plug

I love a glass sex toy! Ever since I first held a glass dildo in my hands at a fetish market sometime circa 2010 and knew I just had to buy it, I’ve had a huge thing for them. Glass is brilliant for a number of reasons. It’s body-safe (more on that in a minute). It’s rigid, unyeilding and just insistent. And it’s just so pretty! So it was lovely to find the Pure Pleasure Sensual Glass Butt Plug in my package of Masturbation Month goodies from Lovehoney.

The Lovehoney Pure Pleasure Sensual Glass Butt Plug

Important facts ‘n’ figures

The Pure Pleasure Plug is a classic glass butt plug. It’s smooth, gently tapered, and has a good sized flared base (which is very important for anything going in your butt!)

The Pure Pleasure Plug is 4.5 inches in length, of which just over 4 inches are insertable. It is made of clear glass and has the Lovehoney heart insignia stamped on the base.

The Lovehoney Pure Pleasure Sensual Glass Butt Plug

It also comes with a little black velvety storage pouch with a pink drawstring. This is both cute and helps to keep your toy safe in storage.

Is it safe to use a glass butt plug?

Yes!

Glass sex toys are made of borosilicate glass, which is annealed to make it very tough and hardwearing. The chances of your glass butt plug breaking in use are near zero.

If you drop it on a hard surface, though, you should retire it – even if it looks fine. This can damage the glass in ways that aren’t immediately visible, compromising its safety.

Borosilicate glass is phthalate-free, non-toxic, and non-porous. This means it’s an ideal material for a body-safe sex toy! As an added bonus, you can use your glass plug with all kinds of lube. Water-based will always be my top pick, but oil-based or silicone-based are fine too if that’s what you prefer.

Clean your Pure Pleasure Plug with warm water and gentle soap, a sterile medical wipe, or a 10% bleach solution. I’m squeamish about sharing anal toys, but it is safe to do so as long as you completely sterilise it between users. The Pure Pleasure Plug is condom-compatible.

How does it feel?

Mmmmmfff, I love this plug.

Let me clarify: I need to be warmed up well in order to comfortably use this plug. It works best after I’ve used a smaller plug in a softer material like silicone, been well warmed up with fingers, or had a clitoral orgasm already.

The Lovehoney Pure Pleasure Sensual Glass Butt Plug

Glass toys have no give at all. Some people find them uncomfortable for this reason. Those of us who love them tend to enjoy the challenge of taking a solid, unyeilding toy.

As glass plugs go, this one is pretty comfy! The gentle taper makes insertion comfortable and means that nothing digs in anywhere it shouldn’t.

This is definitely a “play plug” for me. It’s too heavy and too solid to be practical for wearing for longer periods of time while I go about my day. A silicone plug works better for that purpose.

Some fun things to try with your Pure Pleasure Plug

One of the fun things about glass toys is that they can be used for temperature play. You can cool your glass butt plug by popping it in the fridge for 20 minutes before play, or warm it by running it under warm (NOT hot) water for a few moments.

I also enjoy the way that glass conducts vibrations. If you enjoy vibrations, try pressing a wand or other powerful vibrator against the base of your plug when it’s inside you. This is particularly pleasurable for many people with prostates, but can be enjoyed by anyone! People with vulvas may find that this indirectly stimulates the G-spot, which can be super hot.

So what’s the verdict?

This is a great little plug for the price! The Pure Pleasure Sensual Glass Butt Plug retails for just £19.99 at Lovehoney. Don’t forget to grab some good quality lube to go with it!

I‘m partnering with Lovehoney, who kindly sent me this toy to review, to bring you #MasturbationMay content all month long! Shopping through the affiliate links in this post supports my work at no extra cost to you. All views, as ever, are my own.

[Review] Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm

I admit that I am sceptical when it comes to products that aren’t sex toys but claim to boost the chances of orgasm. However, I am also a curious creature and willing to try most things once. So when this little tin of Bliss Orgasm Balm from Lovehoney appeared in my shipment of Masturbation May products, I thought it was high time I gave it a go.

Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm

What is Bliss Orgasm Balm?

Bliss is a topical balm designed to increase sensitivity in the clitoris. It comes in a small heart-shaped tin and is white in colour and has a creamy consistency that melts onto your fingers – similar to a lip balm.

Bliss Orgasm Balm is infused with peppermint, menthol and essential oils. These ingredients stimulate the nerve-endings in the clitoris and encourage blood flow to the area, increasing sensitivity.

Lovehoney Bliss Orgasm Balm

Is it body-safe?

To answer this question, I took a closer look at the ingredients.

  • Argania Spinosa (Argan) Kernel Oil. A natural oil commonly used in cosmetics, make-up and skincare products. It has been shown to have beneficial properties for the skin and is considered safe.
  • Hydrogenated Olive Oil (and) Olea Europaea (Olive) Fruit Oil. We all know olive oil has health benefits when used in food, but it is also a common ingredient in skincare and cosmetics. These forms of olive oil were investigated by the Cosmetics Ingredients Review and declared safe.
  • Hydrogenated Jojoba wax. Jojoba oil and jojoba wax were investigated by the International Journal of Toxicology and proven safe for cosmetic use. (Warning: link contains mentions of animal testing.)
  • Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea Butter). An incredibly common ingredient in skincare and cosmetic products. The Cosmetic Ingredients Review investigated shea butter and found it to be safe.
  • Menthol. Menthol is widely used for its distinctive minty fragrane and the cooling sensation it creates on the skin. The FDA has found it to be safe for these purposes and also in food.
  • Tocopherol. Tocopherol is a form of Vitamin E, typically derived from vegetable oils. The Cosmetic Ingredient Review and International Journal of Toxicology concluded that it is safe for topical use.
  • Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil. An essential oil derived from the peppermint plant, the Cosmetic Ingredient Review determined that peppermint oil is safe as long as the concentration of the compound pulegone does not exceed 1%.

In conclusion? Every ingredient in this little balm has been declared safe for topical (external) use by experts. Full marks, Lovehoney! Unless you’re allergic or sensitive to any of the ingredients, you can use Bliss Orgasm Balm with confidence.

How do you use it?

You may look at this tiny little tin and think, “is that all you get?” But believe me when I say you only need a little bit to make this stuff effective!

Dab a small amount onto your fingers and massage into your clitoral area. It can be quite intense, so start off cautiously – if you want a more intense sensation or aren’t getting the desired effect, you can always add more.

From there, continue to masturbate or have sex as you normally would.

Remember: Bliss Orgasm Balm is for external use only. Don’t put it inside your vagina or butt.

What does it feel like?

Have you ever used “cooling” or “tingling” lube? It’s a bit like that, only more intense! If you’ve ever put toothpaste on your genital area (which is something I don’t recommend, but a lot of people do) this is a similar sensation – and safer!

The best way I can describe it is as a cool tingly sensation when the balm first goes on. Then, as your body gets used to it, the initial sensation fades but you’re left with a higher than usual level of clitoral sensitivity.

Does it work?

Yes – with caveats.

If you struggle to orgasm, don’t expect Bliss Orgasm Balm to be a cure-all. It isn’t. But it definitely does heighten sensitivity, which can absolutely help when it comes to inducing orgasm. I also suspect it might act as something of a placebo for some people – you expect the balm to help, so you feel more relaxed and less stressed, so having an orgasm is easier.

I absolutely recommend trying a product like this if you find orgasm difficult. But manage your expectations going in, yeah?

If you don’t generally struggle to orgasm but are just looking for some extra sensitivity or a fun way to play with sensations, you might well enjoy using Bliss Orgasm Balm.

Some extra fun ways to play…

As ever, there’s no right way to use sexuality products and you should do whatever works for you. But I found a few fun ways to use Bliss Orgasm Balm that might appeal to some of you.

  • Put some on before you get dressed in the morning to give you a little tingle of arousal as you go about your day.
  • Use it during oral sex and have your partner gently blow on your vulva. This will send cool minty tingles through you!
  • Put some on and then start watching porn or reading erotica and see how long you can wait before you simply have to touch yourself. (Or order your submissive to put some on and then not touch!)
  • Use it to increase clitoral pleasure during penetrative sex. This greatly enhances the chance of orgasm for most vulva owning people!

So do I recommend it?

I rate this product a lot more highly than I expected to! I really liked the tingly sensations, the extra level of sensitivity, and the fun variety it added to my solo playtime. I’m also seeing some great potential in it for kink and power exchange play and I’m looking forward to experimenting more with my partner.

At just £9.99 for a 20g tin (which will last you ages – remember you only need a little bit) it’s a steal. Throw some in your next Lovehoney order!

Thank you to Lovehoney for sharing this product with me in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links appear in this post. All views are, as always, my own. Pictures property of Lovehoney and reproduced with permission. I’m partnering with Lovehoney throughout May to bring you #MasturbationMay reviews and content!

[Masturbation Monday] Wait, Masturbation Month!? Why?

Did you know that May is officially Masturbation Month? Well, you do now!

You might be thinking, “a whole month dedicated to masturbation. Why!?” Well, because wanking is an awesome thing to celebrate! But there’s more to it than that. So what else is this Masturbation Month thing all about?

Right now, masturbation is the safest sex we can have

I mean, technically that’s always true. But it’s especially true in the time of COVID-19. Right now the only sex we should be having is with ourselves, with the partners we live with, or conducted via virtual means. (Not Zoom though, I beg you.)

Aaaaaand my blog goes back to being a Corona-free zone… now.

The fact remains, though: masturbation is the safest form of sex, both physically and emotionally.

Your only lifelong sexual partner is you

The one person you can always rely on to be there? YOU! So just as it makes sense to cultivate strong emotional self-reliance, the same is true sexually. Learning your own body, what makes you tick and what gets you off, is an incredible gift to yourself. It means you’ll always be able to have a banging sex life, regardless of access to (or interest in) partnered sex.

Masturbation is still ridiculously stigmatised

This is still especially true for women and those assigned female at birth. The myths surrounding masturbation are often kinda bonkers!

Anti-masturbation sentiment also runs rampant in certain religious communities, with religious thinkers prescribing everything from showering with the door open to eating a snack every time you get horny to folding fucking laundry to curb the desire to masturbate.

But there’s also a secular community dedicated to the supposed evils of masturbation. The NoFap community is a bizarre corner of the internet where people who think they’re “addicted” to porn or masturbation go to discuss their attempts to give up masturbation.

…but it doesn’t need to be!

Here are the facts: masturbation, in the overwhelming majority of cases, is healthy, natural, and good for you. It has positive physical and mental health benefits. It is ONLY a problem if it is negatively interefering with other areas of your life.

Masturbation addiction (and sex addiction) are not real things.

Masturbation does not harm relationships, it is not cheating, and it doesn’t “ruin” you for partnered sex. In fact, it can make your partnered sex better!

We are all entitled to pleasure

We are all entitled to experience pleasure without shame, guilt or reproval. Masturbation is about pleasure, and Masturbation Month celebrates that. Our bodies are capable of giving us incredible pleasure. We are allowed to revel in it, to enjoy it, to celebrate it.

Happy Masturbation Month!

I’m partnering with Lovehoney to bring you Masturbation Month content all May long! I have some fabulous products lined up to share with you all over the coming weeks. Check out their curated selection of popular toys if you’re looking for some inspiration to get you started.

The Masturbation Monday logo for a post about Masturbation Month

This post also contains affiliate links, and shopping through them is a great way to support my work and the ongoing maintainance of this space. This post is part of the Masturbation Monday meme, owned and run by Kayla Lords. Click the logo to see what everyone’s getting off to this week!

Masturbation Monday: Media Myths About Female Masturbation

I’m a woman, and I love wanking! What I don’t always love, however, is the weird narratives that surround the topic of female masturbation. Here are some of the most persistent ones I really wish would go away.

Remember: not all women have vulvas and some people with vulvas aren’t women!

Most women don’t masturbate (or only do it very rarely)

Come on, we all know this is bullshit by now, don’t we? Newsflash: the overwhelming majority of adults of all genders masturbate at least sometimes. According to a survey by Tenga, American women masturbate an average of twice per week.

Of course, some do it much more often, and some much less. It’s all normal and it’s all cool!

Female masturbation is a full-on romantic night in for one, complete with candles and bubble baths

I’m absolutely not knocking it if this is your thing. You do you! But media depictions of women wanking tend to enormously overplay this one very specific vision of it.

I think this plays into sexist “women don’t like sex, women like romance!” tropes. Nope. Lots of women like romance. Lots of women also like orgasms. And sometimes the two go together, sometimes they don’t. Either way, based on the conversations I’ve had (and I talk about wanking with my friends probably more than your average person,) the number of women who masturbate this way is actually pretty tiny.

Confession: I am twenty nine years old and I have never once in my entire life masturbated in the bath.

Women only masturbate if they can’t get a man

Leaving aside all the heteronormativity of this, it’s ridiculous to suggest that the only time a woman would want to masturbate is if she cannot access partnered sex.

There are many great reasons to masturbate, whether you have a partner or not. Stress relief, pain relief, to help you sleep, to show yourself love and affection, or just because it’s fun! I firmly believe people in relationships should maintain a sexual relationship with themselves if they wish.

Masturbation isn’t a sign of not being able to “get” a partner. It’s also not a sign that a sexual relationship isn’t satisfactory.

Women masturbate by penetrating themselves with absurdly enormous objects

My masturbation probably involves vaginal penetration less than 5% of the time. Take out the times when I’m explicitly testing a penetration-based sex toy, and it’s probably more like 1% of the time.

I enjoy penetrative play with a partner. Very occasionally I’ll go for it by myself. But really it’s all about the clit. and I know I’m not alone in this! A lot of people with vulvas enjoy vaginal penetration, of course. But for the overwhelming majority of vulva-owners, the clitoris is the key to orgasm.

For those of us who do sometimes or always use penetration as part of our masturbation routine, it’s usually with regular dildos (which can range in size from small to somewhat large) rather than the absurdly enormous rubber dongs you see in porn.

(Again: no judgement whatsoever if penetration with extremely large objects is your jam. I’m just saying it’s not anywhere near as typical as media portrayals would have us believe.)

Only weirdos and sex addicts own sex toys

According to that same survey, around a third of American women own a sex toy. (This may be somewhat biased by the sample chosen, of course – a survey of my friends would reveal that near 100% of people of all genders own a sex toy or seventeen!)

Sex toys are awesome and everyone who wants to should experiment with them, both alone and with a partner! Owning a sex toy doesn’t say anything bad about you. It says that you’re a sexual human being and a badass who owns their pleasure unapologetically.

Also, sex addiction? Not. A. Thing. So let’s leave that myth to die, shall we?

Women don’t like porn

Women are – are you sensing a theme yet? – individuals with individual preferences! Some women like porn, some don’t. Some women like more softcore porn, others like hardcore kinky shit. Many women like their porn visual, while others prefer to read erotica.

There’s an enormous spectrum of tastes, they’re all valid, and they’re not determined by gender.

What myths about female masturbation (or any masturbation) do you wish would die already?

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Firework

Something a bit different today. I actually wrote a draft of this post a long time ago and am only just ready to share it. This is the true story of the girl I call my firework.

You are the reason that I breathe…” I hear our song, quietly playing on the office radio all these years later, and I am transported back. I don’t remember her birthday or what her favourite colour was any more, but I do remember the important things. The way she grabbed me for that first kiss, the one where I thought my heart would stop. How she was so tiny I had to bend to kiss her, yet I still felt so protected when I was in her arms.

For months, she was only words on a screen. We typed, typed, typed our words, back and forth, night after long night, but it was never quite enough. It was a long time before I even saw her face. I didn’t need to. Just her name, just those three little ellipses to indicate her typing, was enough to send my foolish teenage heart into a tailspin. She was the first person I ever knew who I could be completely myself with. With her words, she reached through the screen across the miles separating us and wrested my truth from my fingertips.

I was only eighteen; she, twenty-five. The first moment I saw her, 3D flesh-and-blood, real and alive and right in front of me on the platform at New Street Station, I knew I was lost. I knew that, whether she was with me for a decade or walked out of my life tomorrow, she would always linger like a brand upon my skin.

She taught me how to make love to a woman. But much more than that, she taught me how to say yes when something I desperately want, but am afraid to want, is offered to me. She taught me how to love unreservedly, how to give of my whole self and then more. With her, I dared to hold hands in public and kiss in front of people who might not approve.

“To hell with what they think,” she told me. Her bravery made me brave, too. We only got abuse shouted at us in the street once.

Of course she broke my heart. We broke each others’. I fell too hard, too quickly. She withdrew. We were both too young, too afraid. We didn’t know how to communicate. There was the built-in inequality, right from the beginning, of age and experience – of the fact that she was my first love, and I was not hers. We didn’t know what we wanted. With her, I entered a second rush of adolescence, when I was barely through my first.

It was only later, when I’d finished crying into bottles of strong alcohol and convincing myself she was the only great love that would ever come along in my life, that I realised a fundamental truth: I will never love anyone else in the same way I loved her. And that is okay. That is even good.

What we had, though beautiful for its brief time, was neither comfortable nor sustainable over the long term. She was not the gentle, comforting fire of long-term companionship. She was a firework; beautiful and dazzling and then… gone. And fireworks are precious, but there is a reason we don’t set them off in our homes to keep ourselves warm.

We will never be friends. Of that I am absolutely certain. On the one occasion in the last ten years that I’ve seen her face – Facebook is a curse – I found the longing still there. Dulled, yes – dulled by time, by the memory of how things ended, by the more real and present and immediate affection for the person I love now – but still there. Indelible. She is indelible, a handprint in the book of my life.

It took me a long time to get over that heartbreak, and longer still to get over the anger that I manufactured to protect myself from the pain. But now? Now I am thankful for those brief, fleeting, perfectly imperfect three months.

She, my firework, taught me to be proud to be a queer woman, and for that I will always love her.

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Can Masturbation Ever Be Cheating?

Short answer: no.

I’ve heard/read this question dozens if not hundreds of times in the years I’ve been writing about sex. People are desperate to know, it seems, if masturbating while you’re in a relationship can ever be classed as cheating.

In order for me to rip this notion apart, let’s examine what “cheating” is. To many people, it is probably broadly defined as “doing sexual or romantic things with someone who isn’t your partner.” That’s sort of fine, but I don’t think it goes far enough. Lots of us do sexual and/or romantic things with people other than our primary partners all the time, but with their knowledge and consent. That’s kinda what consensual non-monogamy is! And yet it is still possible to cheat in an open or polyamorous relationship.

I propose the working definition that cheating is willfully and knowingly breaking the rules of your relationship in order to engage sexually or romatically with another person without your partner’s knowledge and/or consent.

“Yourself” does not count as “another person.”

You cannot cheat on your partner with yourself. You simply cannot. Doing anything with your own body, and only your own body, is a universe away from doing something with another person behind your partner’s back.

In my view, saying that touching your own body sexually is cheating makes about as much sense as saying that going to a coffee shop or restaurant by yourself counts as cheating.

You cannot cheat on your partner with yourself!

But it’s even more fundamental than that. Your body is yours.

You have an absolute, inalienable and irrefutable right to your own body. It belongs to you, and nobody else. Always.

Look, even if you think you’re the most absolute subby sub who ever subbed and you’ve given complete control over your body to your Dominant… you can still take that back at any time. You get to say “nope” (or “red” or “canary” or whatever means no according to your agreements) and have everything stop. Period, the end, done.

You have the right to do what you like with your own body. And that includes to engage in a sexual relationship with yourself.

You may have mutual agreements with your partner around sexual activity with others outside your relationship, and you should absolutely stick to those (or if you can’t, renegotiate the rules or end the relationship.) But your partner does not own your sexuality. They do not have a right to have any and all of your sexual activity and feelings directed at them exclusively forever more. (Nor is this realistic. Show me a sexual person in a relationship who has never had even a fleeting sexual thought about someone other than their partner, and I’ll show you a liar.)

What if my partner is masturbating all the time instead of having sex with me?

If you’re dissatisfied with the sexual relationship you have with your partner, that’s a conversation the two of you need to have.

“We’re not having as much sex as I would like, can we talk about that?” is a really valid thing to raise. Being able to talk frankly about sex is important to a strong and healthy relationship. And in a good relationship, your partner will be willing to have the conversation and work to solve the problem so that you’re both happy and satisfied. But “forbid masturbation” isn’t the answer. This is just likely to lead to resentment, hurt feelings, and sneaking around and dishonesty.

So no. Masturbation is not and cannot ever be cheating.

Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit. Also, trying to control what you do with your own body is a red flag for abuse.

Wank away guilt-free. And walk away from anyone who thinks that being in a relationship means they can take away your bodily autonomy.

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