Tag: pregnancy

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What is a Polyamorous Family? A Few Ways Poly Families Can Look [Polyamory Conversation Cards #18]

Published on by Amy

Sadly, we live in a society that still has a pretty narrow definition of what a “family” is. Ask most people to describe a family, and they’ll give you some variation of “mum, dad, children.” But any of us who do relationships outside of society’s prescribed cisheteromononormative model know that this is just one option amongst many.

Queer people have been creating intentional families forever. Well, so have consensually non-monogamous and polyamorous people.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How do you feel about having children with your partner(s)? What about your partner(s) having children with other partners?”

I’ve been sitting on this card since I drew it, wondering how to tackle it. I’m lifelong childfree by choice, and I have a personal policy of not dating anyone who has children or is intending to have them in the future. So in some ways, this question isn’t relevant to me. I also feel wildly unqualified to discuss parenting in any kind of meaningful way. However, I do have lots of poly friends who have kids. I also consider myself part of an all-adults (and cats) poly family. So this got me thinking about the various different permutations of polyamorous families that exist.

So what is a polyamorous family and how can you create one? Let’s talk about how they can look, shall we?

Creating a Blended Family

Blended families are not new. They’ve been commonplace for as long as separation/divorce and remarriage have existed, and probably even longer. In the monogamous world, they often happen when a couple with children splits up, and then one or both of them gets a new partner.

Creating blended families is also pretty common in the polyamorous world. A lot of people come to polyamory later, having been in a monogamous relationship for many years and had children with their formerly-monogamous partner. Others have always been polyamorous, but have split up or denested with their co-parent(s) along the way. In these situations, a blended family can occur when people who already have children start dating others (who may or may not also have their own kids) and decide they want to build a serious, entangled relationship.

Example: Alice and her wife Beth have a three year old child together. Beth then starts dating Charlie, who has two children with his ex-wife. Charlie and his children become part of Alice, Beth and their child’s life, creating a blended polyamorous family.

Having Children in a Poly Family

Deciding to have children is a huge decision and not something that should be taken lightly in any relationship. But if you decide you want to have children with your partners, there are numerous ways to do it.

If there are multiple people in your polycule who are capable of becoming pregnant, you will need to decide on who will carry and give birth to the child. Likewise if there are multiple people capable of getting somebody pregnant. Your decisions here will likely take into account a wide array of factors, from personal preferences to level of physical or emotional risk.

If you have access to suitable medical care and legal structures that allow it, some poly families decide that two members of a polycule will provide the biological material to create a child and another member of the polycule will carry and birth the baby.

Some people with multiple partners who are capable of getting them pregnant decide to simply have unprotected sex with both/all of their partners, letting biology do its thing and considering everyone equal parents regardless of biological parentage. This option is fraught with potential issues so I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it, but it is a thing some people do.

If your polycule does not have a combination of at least one person with a uterus who can (or wants to) carry a child and at least one person with a penis who can (or wants to) get someone pregnant, you may need to explore other options such as adoption, surrogacy, fertility treatments, and so on.

A major word of caution: in many places, including the UK, a child cannot have more than two legal parents. This means that things can get messy and painful for everyone, especially the kids, in the event of a polyamorous family break-up. The laws surrounding parental responsibility and parental rights are complex, and vary tremendously by jurisdiction. Always, always consult a sympathetic family lawyer as part of your polyamorous family planning.

Example: Dani has two male partners, Edward and Finn, and they have all lived together happily for many years. The three of them decide they want to have children together. After extensive discussion, they decide that Finn will be the biological father of their first child but that all three of them will play an equal parental role. The three of them find a poly-friendly family lawyer who can help them navigate the legal complexities involved in this arrangement.

An All-Adults Poly Family

Of course, children are not necessary to create a family. You can also have a poly family consisting entirely of adults, if you want! My nesting partner and our cat are my family. Other partners and metamours and friends can and have also become part of that family, too.

All living together isn’t necessary to be a family, either. You can if you want to, of course, but it’s optional. Not everyone is suited to sharing living space and it doesn’t make you any less family. There are very few people I could happily live with. But my family is not defined by who lives under the same roof and yours doesn’t need to be, either.

Example: Greg starts a relationship with Harry. After they’ve been dating for a while, Greg also really hits it off with Harry’s husband Isaac, and they form a strong platonic friendship. The three of them spend a lot of time together playing games, watching movies, or walking their dogs and consider themselves a family. If any of them start a new relationship at any point, they’re also open to that person becoming a part of their family.

Family in a Parallel Polyamorous Relationship

Parallel polyamory occurs when a person has two or more partners, but those partners have little to no interaction with one another. They know the other(s) exist and may know top-line information about one another, but that’s the extent of the relationship.

However, practicing parallel polyamory doesn’t mean you can’t create a sense of family within your poly relationships. There’s no reason you can’t become family with both, multiple, or all of your partners. This is possible even if those individuals don’t consider each other family.

Example: James has two partners, his girlfriend Kelly and his boyfriend Luke. Kelly and Luke prefer not to spend time together. Therefore, James practices parallel polyamory and nests part-time with each of his partners. He considers them both vital parts of his family even though the two relationships are separate, and prioritises special time and building traditions with both partners.

So What is a Polyamorous Family?

Ultimately, it’s whatever you decide it is! As Sophie Beer’s adorable children’s book says: love makes a family. You get to define what that looks like for you.

I’ve said it many times: one of the most simultaneously glorious and frustrating things about polyamory is how few roadmaps we have. This means there are few scripts to follow and we’re often making it up as we go along. However, it also means tremendous freedom to structure our relationships, our commitments, and our families in the ways that work for us.

Further Reading (and Listening)

Header for guest post about masturbation and sexless pregnancy by K. Maira

[Guest Post] My Sexless Pregnancy by K. Maira

Published on by Amy

One of the reasons I opened up Coffee & Kink to guest writers was to share experiences that I’ve never had or can’t/won’t ever have. From the trans experience as an erotic writer to fetishes I don’t share to aromantic identity and much more, my guest writers have generously shared their stories and made C&K a more vibrant and expansive place to discuss all the nuances of sexuality. Today’s guest writer is K. Maira, a pseudonymous writer who is sharing her experience of a sexless pregnancy and the solo sex life she cultivated.

As a lifelong childfree person, I’ll never experience the unique intersection of sexuality, pregnancy, and parenthood, so I am delighted to be sharing this fascinating and intimate piece with you all.

Amy x

My Sexless Pregnancy (Unless You Count with Myself!) by K. Maira

Sex during pregnancy is usually taken as a given. After all, if you’re pregnant you must have a partner, right? Well, not for me. While most people worry about sex hurting the baby in some way, I was thinking about all the orgasms I was missing out on. My baby’s father disappeared when I found out I was pregnant. But then again it was a one night stand, so I can’t say I was all that surprised. I was, however, very horny. And I wasn’t exactly on the dating scene with my ever-growing belly.

I had to give myself all my own orgasms and I’m so happy I did. It led me on a journey to sexual self discovery. I realized things about myself I would have never known otherwise. Only having yourself to make the magic happen for so long opens up a whole new perspective on sex. I’ll walk you through the journey of my masturbation-only pregnancy, trimester by trimester.

First Trimester

The first trimester is famously known for being three months of hell. The morning sickness and fatigue alone could put you on the ground. With no horndog of a partner breathing down my neck, I was able to completely relish in the woes of those first few months. I felt just fine looking like shit, my breath smelling of vomit and passing out before 5pm. No pressure to look and smell nice there.

On the rare occasion that urge did strike me, my fingers could just walk their way down my pants and enjoy. Nope, I wasn’t shaved, but my fingers didn’t care. I was able to fully enjoy my orgasm in a way I wouldn’t have otherwise. And I could do it on my time. There was no waiting for the guy to get out of work, or for him to drive over to my house. There were only orgasms on demand.

Second Trimester

Oh, the second trimester… it’s so much different than the first. It’s this one where the body feels an almost constant need for sex. I struggled with this for a while, craving what a man would give me that my toys could not. But never underestimate the power of porn. It’s the porn that got me through this trimester.

Being on a strictly porn diet taught me a lot about myself, and the sexual interests I didn’t know I had. I found myself watching a lot of lesbian porn and bi mmf porn. And oh, did it make me cum over and over again! I came harder than I had ever cum from watching those kinkier videos. I know these weren’t pregnancy cravings, because I still crave them and they still get me off.

Third Trimester

Sex in the third trimester gets a bit more complicated. I knew this – I had been pregnant before and had tons of sex during my past pregnancies. That big belly gets in the way, your feet are swollen and there’s constant pressure down there. While I used to solve this problem by opting for anal most of the time, again, it wasn’t an option for this pregnancy.

This is when I learned other ways of masturbatung could get me off. This is where the grinding came in. Grinding pillows, the arm of the couch, grinding whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I’d never done it before then, but I’m so glad I discovered it!

I’ve added it to my current masturbation routine even though my pregnancy ended over seven months ago. You read that correctly – I’m quickly approaching 18 months with no sex, unless you count with myself. And it doesn’t bother me, because those nine months of solely masturbating has taught me how to better enjoy my own body.

Go Ahead and Enjoy Yourself

Here’s my advice: if you find yourself in a sexless position, go ahead and enjoy yourself. Experiment with new things and try a variety of porn. What you find yourself liking may surprise you. It’s possible to have a sexually fulfilling relationship with yourself! Have some fun and when you do enter into a new sexual relationship, you just may start having better sex.

I was a very sexually active woman prior to this last pregnancy, and was already leaning towards the kinkier side of the spectrum. During the last 18 months I’ve moved even closer to it. When I do decide I want to start having sex again, I know my sex life will be better than it ever was, because I’ve discovered new things about my sexual interests and about my own body.

Thank you so much to K. for contributing this fantastic post! You can pitch your own story here or chip in a few £ to the tip jar, which I use to pay my guest writers.

Several kinds of birth control. For an essay on how I don't want children

I Don’t Want Children (and That Doesn’t Mean There’s Anything Wrong with Me)

Published on by Amy3 Comments

I don’t want children.

I think I was about seventeen the first time I uttered that sentence out loud. My partner at the time and I had discussed how many children we’d have someday, and what their names would be. Because that’s what you did when you were in a loving relationship, wasn’t it? Get married, buy a house, get a dog, then have children.

But at some point I realised that parenthood didn’t fit with the vision I had for myself of my future. I wanted to write books, I wanted to travel the world, I wanted to adopt animals and make a home with my partner. But could I see myself as a mother? Every time I thought about it, it just didn’t fit.

“I don’t think I want children,” I said to my partner. He shrugged – he hadn’t really cared one way or the other and had mostly assumed we’d have kids some day because he assumed I’d want them.

Think of the (hypothetical) children!

I think the next time I said it was when I was starting to tell people I was in a polyamorous relationship with my now-ex and his wife.

“How is that going to affect your children someday?” people asked me with a sniff of disapproval.

“I don’t want children, so it’s irrelevant,” I replied.

This statement was really far too much for a lot of people to cope with. I was told I’d change my mind, that I was too young to know, that it wasn’t fair to these completely hypothetical unborn not-even-conceived children for me to choose not to have them. That I should give up the life that made me happy to have kids I didn’t want. I was even told it was unfair to the hypothetical future husband people assumed I’d end up with one day.

Being upfront about it

I’ve always been very upfront about my complete lack of maternal instincts to partners when we start getting serious. I don’t want to spend years with someone only to find that our life goals are incompatible!

I’ve also always been very clear with anyone I have sex with, when the topic of birth control comes up, that an unintended pregnancy will end in a hasty abortion (and that this is not up for debate.)

“But how do you know? Won’t you regret it?”

How do I know this is what I want? I know because every time I allow myself to imagine being a parent, I am filled with an immediate and visceral feeling of “NOPE.”

Can I absolutely guarantee I won’t regret it someday? Of course not. But I think it’s tremendously unlikely, given how much I generally love my life as it is. Despite being constantly told that I’ll end up alone, I don’t see how that is possible when I have loving partners, a supportive family, and amazing friends. And honestly, is some vague fear of being alone in the future a good reason to bring a new life into this world? I don’t think it is.

If I pushed myself to become a parent out of some misguided sense of duty or caving to pressure, I think I’d regret that.

Late last year, my nesting partner Mr CK had a vasectomy. My risk of unintended pregnancy was pretty low already (all bow before the mighty Mirena!) but that decision just removed any doubt or possibility of birth-control failure. When it was done, all I felt was this overwhelming, searing relief. No lingering “what ifs?” or sadness for what might have been. Just, thank goddess, that’s one less thing to worry about.

“What’s wrong with you?”

“I just think there’s something deeply wrong with women who don’t want children.” I can’t remember the precise context in which I heard this statement, now, but I still remember the sentiment. And it’s everywhere.

Maybe it’s not usually so explicit. But the implied-or-directly-asked question again and again and fucking again is always some variation on, “what’s wrong with you?”

Nothing is wrong with me. I’m not broken. This decision isn’t the result of some unresolved trauma. I’m not missing a piece of my heart. I’m not selfish, I’m not filled with hatred for parents or children, and I’m not incapable of love. I just… don’t want to be a mother.

And there’s nothing wrong with that, or with me.

I’m moderating comments on this one, hateful ones won’t get through. Anything you can say – that I’m a failure as a woman, that I’ll regret it, that I’ll die homeless and alone with seventeen cats – I’ve heard before and I’m done arguing with. Be nice!