Tag: metamours

Line drawn in sand. Header image for a post about weaponizing boundaries in polyamory

Weaponizing Boundaries in Polyamory: How it Looks and Why It’s a Problem [Polyamory Conversation Cards #21]

Published on by Amy

We talk about boundaries a lot in the polyamorous community. Boundaries are tremendously important in any relationship, and perhaps even more so when multiple people are involved. They help to protect our wellbeing, build trust and safety, maintain individuality in a relationship, and allow us to give generously to those we love without sacrificing ourselves in the process. But what we don’t talk about enough is the phenomenon of weaponizing boundaries. In other words, using them to control others’ actions, to sneak rules in by the back door, or to attempt to avoid jealousy and other difficult emotions.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How do you feel about having sex with multiple people on the same day (but not simultaneously), both for yourself and your partner(s)?”

You might be asking, Amy, what does this have to do with weaponizing boundaries? I’m getting there!

This question made me think about a common discussion topic I see in polyamorous spaces: the “24 hour rule” (or 48 hour rule, or 3-day rule, or whatever other variation you can come up with!) In short, what this means is that a person doesn’t want to have sex (or other intimate interactions) with more than one person in a given period… or that they don’t want to have sex or other intimate interactions with a partner who has been intimate with someone else in a given period.

In and of themselves, these are valid personal boundaries. I might not personally understand them, but they’re valid if they are important to you. Where it gets dicey, though, is when they start being used to control your partner’s behaviour outside of their relationship with you. This is what I mean by weaponizing boundaries.

Let’s back up a step, though.

What a Boundary Is and Isn’t

A boundary relates to yourself, your needs or limits, and the things that belong solely to you (your body, your mind, your emotions, your time, your personal property, and so on.) Boundaries are about the things you will and won’t do, the things you will and won’t allow to be done to/with you or your things, and the types of treatment you will and won’t tolerate. Above all, boundaries are personal.

You cannot place a boundary on another person.

Read that again: you cannot place a boundary on another person.

As soon as you’re telling someone else what they can or cannot do, except as it directly relates to their interactions with you or the things that belong to you, you’re no longer drawing a boundary. You are making a rule.

“Don’t touch me” is a boundary. “You’re not allowed to watch porn” is not a boundary. “No, I can’t lend you my car” is a boundary. “You have to be home by 9PM every night” is not a boundary.

In any relationship, but particularly in a polyamorous relationship, you can’t just slap the “boundaries” label on rules and restrictions and go. Probably 8 times out of 10 at least, when someone says “my partner broke a boundary” what they actually mean is that their partner broke a rule (and often an unreasonable one at that.)

You Get to Have Whatever Boundaries You Need… But You Can’t Use Them to Control Others

Other people obviously do have some responsibility to adhere to boundaries in certain situations. For example, “don’t touch me” is a reasonable boundary that requires the other person to respect. Because your boundaries are about you, they should relate to your behaviour or things that are directly done to/with you, not things that don’t directly involve you (such as your partner’s other relationships.)

To return to the “24 hour rule” example, it’s obviously fine if you don’t want to have sex with more than one person in the same period. It’s also fine if you don’t want to have sex with someone who has had sex with someone else in whatever time period you specify. You have an absolute, inviolable right to say no to sex at any time and for any reason, including for no reason.

Where this boundary tends to go sideways, though, is when people think it gives them the right to control their partner’s sex life outside of their relationship.

If you don’t want to have sex with a person who’s had sex with someone else recently, then your responsibility in this situation is… to not have sex until the relevant amount of time has passed. It is not your partner’s responsibility to abstain from sex they’d otherwise like to be having in order to “save it” for you.

When people get upset that their partner “broke a boundary” by having sex with another partner on the morning before their date night, for example, what they’re actually doing is outsourcing their comfort to a relationship they’re not even in. What would be violating this boundary, assuming they’re aware of it, would be having sex with you without letting you know that they’ve been intimate with someone else within your comfort window.

Do you see the difference?

Some Other Examples of How Weaponizing Boundaries in Polyamory Can Look

This post isn’t actually about the “24 hour rule”, I’ve just been using that as a convenient example to illustrate my points. But to consider this subject a bit more broadly, let’s look at a few other common examples of weaponizing boundaries in polyamory.

Boundaries as Sneakiarchy

Hierarchical polyamory has a pretty bad rap these days, and for good reason. It tends to disenfranchise those who aren’t at the top of the heap, and prevent those who are from actually doing the personal growth required to have healthy polyamorous relationships. However, many people now know that hierarchical practices are frowned upon but still kind of want to enact them due to the illusion of safety they offer.

Enter: sneakiarchy, or hierarchy by stealth.

Boundaries can so easily be weaponized to bring about sneakiarchy. If you’re saying your relationships are non-hierarchical, but tacitly or openly expecting your partner to defer to you or prioritise you above your metamours under the guise of “boundaries”, this is probably what you’re doing.

Example: “my boundary is that my wife has to sleep with me every night so she can’t stay over with her boyfriend”

Boundaries as Double Standards

I don’t make a secret of the fact that I’m cynical about mono/poly relationships (where one partner is monogamous and the other polyamorous.) In my extensive experience, they rarely work and often make at least one party utterly miserable. Of course, there are exceptions. But you know what’s never an exception and never okay?? Enforced double standards or mono/poly under duress.

Unfortunately, people who want to collect partners but not allow those partners to date others will often use the language of “boundaries” to justify this blatant double standard. I’ve seen so many people despairing over this, saying things like “I identify as polyamorous and I desperately want to date others but my husband has set a boundary that I can’t.”

Say it with me: Not. A. Boundary!

Example: “I’m polyamorous but I have a boundary against having polyamorous partners so all my partners need to be monogamous to me”

Emotional Issues Disguised as Safety Boundaries

Sexual health is perhaps the arena where this issue gets the most contentious.

Sexual health is important, and we should all be taking reasonable steps to keep ourselves and our lovers safe. However, our own sexual health is ultimately our own responsibility. Many people will use the language of boundaries to place restrictions on their partners’ other relationships, citing sexual health as the reason. This can make the restrictions difficult to argue with or push back against. After all, we all agree that sexual health matters, don’t we?

But this can easily become another form of weaponizing boundaries.

If you’re concerned that your partner’s sexual health practices aren’t in line with yours, you have a few options. Use barriers with them, abstain from sex with them, do less risky activities together (such as using toys or sharing mutual masturbation), or end the relationship. What’s not fair, though, is to use your sexual health needs to control their behaviour outside of your relationship.

Example: “my boundary is that you use condoms with everyone but me to take care of my sexual health”

What Does It Mean to Enforce Your Own Boundaries in Polyamory without Weaponizing Them?

Ultimately, unless we’re talking about a situation of abuse, a boundary is only a boundary if you’re willing to enforce it. Enforcing it might look like something as small as leaving the room or ending a phone call, or as big as leaving the relationship.

Enforcing your boundaries should not be about punishing your partner, but about protecting yourself and your wellbeing. And there are numerous safe and healthy ways to enforce your boundaries in polyamory without weaponizing them.

The biggest rule of thumb here? Focus on yourself. Do what you need to do to look after yourself. If you find yourself wanting to punish your partner, control them, or lash out at them, you’re probably weaponizing your boundaries.

Let’s go back once more to the “24 hour rule” for sex. You know by now that it’s not reasonable to expect your partner to abstain from sex with your metamour that they’d both otherwise want to have. So instead you might say something like “since you had sex with X this morning, I want to wait until tomorrow to be intimate with you.” You’re enforcing your boundary clearly but kindly, and you’re placing the restriction on yourelf, not on your partner’s other relationship or any behaviour that does not directly pertain to you.

If the 24 hour rule is genuinely important to you, this will feel fine. If it makes you feel angry and resentful, you might be hiding behind a boundary as an attempt to control your partner or to punish them for having sex with your metamour. In other words, you’re weaponizing boundaries.

What to Do Instead of Weaponizing Your Boundaries

If you think you’ve been guilty of weaponizing boundaries, don’t despair. Having the self-awareness to recognise this pattern is an amazing first step. It is within your power to stop doing this, and it will lead to healthier and happier relationships if you can break that cycle.

First, get really clear on your understanding of exactly what boundaries, rules, and agreements are (I’ve got a short primer in this post.)

Next, sit down with your partner(s) and have a conversation about your relationship, its structure, and your agreements. What do you each need and want from your connection? What does your relationship need to thrive, what do you both need as individuals, and what do your (current or hypothetical) other relationships need?

From here, you can set relationship agreements that work for both of you. Remember: agreements, not rules. Try not to be restrictive here, and to focus on positive additions for your relationship. Things like “we’ll have a date night every week to spend quality time together” and “we will always tell each other the truth, even when it’s hard” are great agreements.

And, of course, talk about your boundaries. What are your absolute needs and your absolute dealbreakers? For example: I won’t stay in a relationship with someone who shouts at me, I will only have sex with people who get a sexual health test regularly, and I expect to be told the truth about things that impact me.

If you’re not sure if something is a boundary, apply this test:

  1. Does it apply directly and solely to me and things that are mine (my body, mind, emotions, time, possessions, etc?) If so, it’s probably a boundary.
  2. Does it unreasonably restrict my partner, compelling them to behave in a certain way or to take/not take certain actions against their will, in any way not directly relating to their interactions with me? If it does, it’s probably not a reasonable boundary. If not, you’re good.
  3. Am I prepared to hold and enforce this boundary if necessary, even if it means having a difficult conversation, ending an interaction, or walking away from the entire relationship? If so, it’s probably a genuine boundary.

Next time you feel tempted to weaponize a boundary to control your partner or get your way, pause and check in with yourself. What fear is being triggered? What need is not being met? Is there a difficult underlying emotion such as jealousy that’s pushing you to act in this way?

Sit with that feeling. Unpack it. Talk to your partner about the fear, need, or emotion, and ask for their support without attempting to control them. Once you get good at this, you’ll feel no need to weaponize boundaries any more.

What to Do If Your Partner is Weaponizing Their Boundaries

On the other hand, perhaps you’ve recognised that your partner is the one weaponizing boundaries. Being in this situation can be incredibly painful, confusing, and stressful, and you don’t have to put up with it.

If your partner is weaponizing their boundaries and unwilling or unable to change their behaviour, you might want to consider leaving the relationship. Of course, most people don’t want to make this decision lightly, so if you’re not ready to leave there are things you can do to help change the situation.

In some situations, a detailed heart-to-heart conversation as discussed in the last section can go a long way to solving this issue. Your partner might not even realise that they’re weaponizing boundaries and, when you point it out, may be horrified that their behaviour is harming you. Sometimes, though, this won’t be enough.

Ironically, the best way to push back against a partner’s weaponizing of boundaries while staying in the relationship is… with more, better, and stronger boundaries of your own!

This means understanding who you are, what you need, what you value, and where your limits are. It also means having a very strong understanding of what boundaries are, what respecting them looks like, and when a “boundary” isn’t a boundary.

You don’t have to capitulate to unreasonable demands just because they are phrased as “boundaries.” You get to say “that’s not a personal boundary and infringes on my autonomy/my other relationship, so I won’t be adhering to it.”

In the end, though, the responsibility lies with your partner. You can’t force them to stop weaponizing their boundaries. All you can do is maintain good boundaries of your own, push back against unreasonable demands, and leave the relationship if you decide that’s the best thing for you.

Is Weaponizing Boundaries Abuse?

There’s no easy answer to this, except to say “sometimes.”

Not all instances of weaponizing boundaries rise to the level of abuse, though some certainly can. And a pattern of weaponizing boundaries over a period of time can absolutely become a type of emotional or psychological abuse, particularly when it manifests as coercive control.

If you think you might be being abused, seek support from friends and family, see a therapist, phone a domestic abuse hotline, or contact an appropriate organisation for help. And if you think you might be abusing your partner, resources such as Respect are a great place to go for help. It’s also important to contact a qualified professional such as a therapist and get support to stop your abusive behaviour immediately.

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[Guest Post] Navigating Your Polycule Relationship: How to Stay Grounded in a Multi-Partner Network by Samantha Squirt

Published on by Amy

One of the reasons I steadfastly refuse to be called a “polyamory expert” is that polyamory and consensual non-monogamy are infinitely varied and everyone has their own experience. Everything I advise, suggest, and share comes from my experience and the things I’ve learned in the time I’ve been practicing polyamory.

Today’s guest post comes from Samantha Squirt (she/her) and focuses on her top tips for navigating the interconnected polycule relationship network. I think it includes some great insights! Maybe you’ll find them useful too.

Over to Sam!

Amy x

Navigating Your Polycule Relationship: How to Stay Grounded in a Multi-Partner Network by Samantha Squirt

If you’re interested in consensual non-monogamy, you have probably heard about polycules and the beautiful chaos they can be. Think of them like those fancy molecular diagrams from high school chemistry, except instead of hydrogen bonds, we’re dealing with hearts, hormones, and those moments where your partner’s partner is suddenly crying on your couch at 3 AM over her comet partner attempting to enact a One Penis Policy (OPP). 

Today we’re talking about polycule relationship dynamics and how to stay emotionally grounded within multi-partner networks. 

But just like any complex network–whether it’s city streets, neural pathways, or that convoluted web of who’s dating who in your favorite TV show this week–we need to understand how to navigate these intersections without causing an emotional pile-up. And let’s be real, when you’re juggling multiple relationships, emotions can run high.

In this post, I’m going to walk you through everything you need to know about staying grounded while your love life looks like a beautiful spider web. Whether your polycule relationship network is a cozy triangle or resembles an advanced calculus problem, I’m going to help you map out these emotional territories like a pro so that your relationships can survive even the strongest of storms

So grab your favorite beverage (and maybe your calendar, because scheduling is about to become your new best friend), and let’s dig into the nitty-gritty of making a polycule work. By the end of this guide, you’ll be communicating more effectively than your therapist and loving more authentically than ever before.

What Makes The Polyam Web Wobble?

After diving into the existing research and taking into account some personal experience too, I’ve mapped out the five most common drama bombs that can shake up a polycule. Let’s break them down:

Time Management

This isn’t just about scheduling dates. We’re talking about the constant juggling act of making sure everyone feels prioritized. 

While you’re trying to maintain a career, self-care routine, and remembering to feed your pet fish, Partner A may feel like they’re getting less quality time with you than Partner B. All the while, Partner C is wondering why you still haven’t answered their texts from three days ago… 

Yeah, when it comes to managing time in a polycule, it may get messy. 

Jealousy

Let’s be real–jealousy hits different in polyamorous relationships. It’s not just about who your partner might be flirting with; you might be watching them build beautiful, meaningful connections with others while you’re sitting at home wondering if they laugh at their other partner’s jokes more than yours. 

Those who are new to polyamory often find that this isn’t the garden-variety jealousy they’re used to. This is jealousy on steroids with a PhD in Making You Question Everything.

Backburner Blues

You know when that pot of rice is done, but you still need to finish the main dish? You put it on the backburner. And that can happen to people in your polycule, too. 

Most of us have been there. “Backburning” is when you start treating your partners like they’re episodes of that show that you’ll totally get around to watching… someday. It’s when you emotionally, physically, sexually, or mentally neglect someone in the polycule while the relationship is still technically in place. This is sometimes intentional, but more often than not it happens unintentionally. 

Maybe your new relationship energy (NRE) with someone is making you neglect older connections, or perhaps you’re unconsciously creating a hierarchy that nobody agreed to. Either way, putting someone you love on the backburner is cruel and unkind, and being backburnered is uniquely painful. 

Communication Overload

Picture this: You’ve got three partners, each with two other partners, and everyone needs to discuss boundaries, feelings, and who’s bringing what to next week’s polycule potluck. Suddenly you’re spending more time processing emotions than a therapist on a Monday morning.

Communication is key to polyamory, of course, but striking the balance is important. Too much emotional processing can be overwhelming, and too little of it can lead to miscommunications and hurt feelings in your polycule. 

Resource Distribution Drama

I’m not just talking about time here. We’re also looking at emotional energy, sexual energy, money, and even simple things like how many nights you can stay over at each partner’s place.

When Sarah needs emotional support during her work crisis but Mike is going through a family crisis and Pat really just wants to watch a movie with you tonight… realistically, something’s gotta give. Unless you’ve somehow cracked the ability to be in multiple places at once and can listen to Mike process his family drama and talk Sarah through her work problems while simultaneously making out with Pat in the room next door, then you’re going to have to optimize your resource distribution. 

Navigating These Polycule Relationship Network Challenges Successfully

Here’s the tea: if you’re knowingly nodding along to any (or all) of the above, congratulations! You’re normal! These challenges aren’t signs that you’re “doing polyamory wrong”. They’re just part of the beautiful complexity that is loving multiple people openly and honestly.

In the next section, we’ll dive into strategies for tackling each of these issues head-on and discover how you can ground yourself amidst this whirlwind of emotion. 

1. Time & Resource Management: How To Always Have Time For Everyone in the Polycule

Time management in a polycule starts with open communication and a clear understanding of each person’s needs. Think of your polycule relationship network like a family, because it is!

Try mapping out a shared calendar with everyone’s work shifts, existing commitments, dates, and personal time. This helps to ensure no one gets overlooked or double-booked. Remember that quality of time matters at least as much as quantity of time, so plan meaningful activities with each partner (and as a group, if that’s something you like to do) while checking in regularly to make sure everyone feels prioritised. 

By treating time as a shared resource and staying flexible, you’ll create a balanced dynamic that makes every person feel valued and included.

One of the most important but overlooked aspects of polycule time management is… (drumroll please) scheduling time for yourself! This means time for self-care, hobbies, friends, or just to veg on the couch and watch that guilty pleasure show you love. 

If you are continually putting out fires from your lovers, inevitably you will burn out. The best thing that you can do for your polycule is to make sure you do not lose your sense of self.

2. Managing Jealousy Like a Pro

Let’s get real about jealousy, babes. In polyamory, jealousy isn’t just an occasional visitor–it’s more like that friend who crashes on your couch and keeps eating all your snacks. It’s going to show up from time to time, and it’s going to test you.

Picture this: you’re at a social gathering, feeling cute and confident, when suddenly you notice your nesting partner giving their comet partner’s ass in those perfectly fitted jeans a lingering look. Or maybe your lover wants to keep your relationship on the down-low, but they’re posting heart-eye emojis all over their other partner’s Instagram. Bam: green-eyed monster! 

Here’s the thing, jealousy and not feeling secure in polyamory isn’t a sign you’re failing. It’s just proof you’re human. Jealousy is as natural as life, death, and forgetting where you put the TV remote. Trying to pretend you don’t ever feel jealous is like trying to pretend you don’t see your partner’s throbbing hickey from someone else. You’re not fooling anyone, especially yourself.

The key is to:

  • Name it: “Why yes, that is jealousy making my eye twitch”
  • Claim it: “These are my feelings, and they’re valid”
  • Tame it: “But they don’t have to control my actions”

Jealousy is usually just the bouncer at the door of your real issues. Behind it, if you look, you might find:

  • Your self-esteem doing the limbo (and not in a fun way)
  • Your abandonment fears having a party
  • Your trust issues playing hide and seek
  • Your scarcity mindset attempting to hoard all the love
  • Your comparison anxiety making spreadsheets about who gets more attention

Whenever you feel yourself getting jealous, it’s very important to ground and bring yourself back to your centre. Jealousy can feel like a baby giraffe taking its first steps: wobbly, uncertain, and more than a little awkward. Give yourself permission to stumble and catch your balance by taking plenty of deep breaths and processing your feelings at your own pace. 

It’s okay to ask your partner(s) for reassurance (it’s not needy, it’s necessary), and remember that boundaries can shift as you learn what feels safe. When polycule jealousy appears, hit the “Pause and Process” button instead of the panic button, lean on your support system, and keep a list of self-soothing activities close at hand. Save those sweet texts your partner sent you and reread them for a quick reminder that love isn’t a finite pie and there’s enough whipped cream to go around.

Pro tip: This is where therapy becomes your best friend. A good therapist is like a tour guide through the haunted house of your emotions. They’ll help you face the scary stuff without running away screaming.

3. Don’t Allow Yourself to Be Backburnered and Don’t Backburner Others

Emotional neglect in polyamory hits different than in monogamy. It’s not just about missing a date night or forgetting to text back once in a while. It’s that slow, subtle shift where someone who used to be a main character in your love story starts feeling like an extra in the background. Worse, they may feel usurped or replaced. 

Maybe you’ve got that shiny new relationship energy (NRE) with someone else, and suddenly your established partner is eating dinner alone every night. Or perhaps you’re unconsciously prioritizing the partner who’s more “convenient,” while the long-distance love in your life is surviving on scraps of attention and occasional video calls.

Backburnering can sneak up without us even realizing it. One day you’re juggling all your relationships like a pro circus performer, the next you’re treating someone like that gym membership you keep meaning to use but never do.

Think of your polycule relationship as a carefully balanced recipe, where each partner adds their own unique flavor. A dash of Patrick, a sprinkle of Hannah, and the right amount of heat and attention, and it all comes together perfectly. If you leave one pot simmering unattended on the backburner, though, it can end up forgotten and burnt. 

By staying mindful of everyone’s needs, sharing schedules (see above,) and making time for face-to-face connection, you’ll create a dish that truly satisfies. In this kitchen of love, no one should feel like a leftover. Keep stirring the pot, tasting frequently, and you’ll find the sweet spot where all ingredients blend harmoniously.

4. Communication Overload In the Polycule

If you’ve got multiple partners and they’ve got multiple partners, that’s a lot of feelings to process and a lot of opinions weighing in on scheduling dilemmas, date nights, and where you’re going for the next group outing. Before you know it, your phone’s buzzing away like the new butt plug your partner gave you for Christmas. Then you’re juggling emotions, Google Calendars, and someone’s latest relationship epiphany all at once. 

The key to not drowning in this sea of communication? Keep it structured and intentional. 

Set up regular check-ins, whether it’s a weekly polycule meeting, a shared calendar, or even a group chat designated just for planning. Resist the urge to handle everything as soon as it pops up, and instead schedule time for heavier topics (yes, “emotional processing hour” can be a real thing). A little organization and time for strategic communication will go a long way in helping you stay grounded.

These are my top tips for navigating communication before it becomes communication overload:

  1. Create Clear Channels: Try designating different spaces for different purposes. For example, have one group chat for day-to-day chat, memes, and quick check-ins, and another (or even a shared Google Doc) for serious discussions on subjects like finances, scheduling, or relationship agreements. This way, you won’t miss crucial updates amidst the influx of photos of your metamour’s new kitten. 
  2. Set and Respect Boundaries: Just because you love everyone doesn’t mean you’re on call 24/7. If your partner texts at 3 AM about date night logistics, it’s okay to say “I’ll get back to you tomorrow.” Healthy boundaries around communication help keep you from burning out. 
  3. Schedule Family Meetings: A regular group check-in gives you a set time to tackle deeper topics instead of wading through constant back-and-forth texts. Whether it’s in person or online, this gives everyone intentional and focused time to discuss what’s working, what’s not, and anything that needs extra attention. 
  4. Prioritize Face-to-Face (or Video Call) When You Can: So much nuance can get lost in text messages. If you’re finding yourself in endless threads trying to clarify tone or discern someone’s meaning, it might be time to hop on a video call or schedule some real-time conversation. It could save hours of textual confusion.
  5. Delegate Where Possible: If you end up being the de facto social secretary of your polycule relationship network, ask your partners or metamours to take the lead on certain tasks. Sharing the load can make a huge difference. You don’t have to be the person who remembers everyone’s birthday, books the restaurant table for group dinner, and manages everyone’s feelings about a sudden schedule change. 

By combining clear communication channels, healthy boundaries, and a willingness to occasionally say “let’s chat about this later,” you can keep the conversation flowing without drowning in it.

Staying Grounded In Your Polycule Relationship Web

Navigating the polyamorous relationship web inevitably means embracing a bit of chaos from time to time. Polyamory isn’t just about having multiple partners, but about cultivating multiple meaningful connections that honor everyone’s needs including your own. It’s a balancing act of time, money, attention, and emotional support. 

But with open communication, intentional scheduling, and a commitment to kindness towards yourself and your partners, it’s very possible to create a dynamic where everyone is happy, satisfied, and feels that their needs are being met. 

Remember: love isn’t a finite resource, but your energy is.

Check in regularly with yourself and each member of the polycule, setting aside moments to recalibrate, breathe, and figure out what’s working and what’s not. By recognizing your limits, sharing them openly, and staying curious about your partners’ and metamours’ experiences, you’ll be better equipped to weather the rocky emotional waves and keep everyone feeling cherished. It may not always be easy, but when done right, a polycule can be a living, breathing testament to the fact that love truly does grow the more you share it.

About the Writer

Samantha Squirt is the bold and unapologetic mind and fingers behind squirtstudios.com. She thrives on diving into the juiciest corners of pop cultures intimate trends from the rise of ass-eating to decoding the world of gooning. Samantha combines wit, wisdom, and just the right amount of sass to keep her readers entertained and educated in sexual wellness.

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What is a Polyamorous Family? A Few Ways Poly Families Can Look [Polyamory Conversation Cards #18]

Published on by Amy

Sadly, we live in a society that still has a pretty narrow definition of what a “family” is. Ask most people to describe a family, and they’ll give you some variation of “mum, dad, children.” But any of us who do relationships outside of society’s prescribed cisheteromononormative model know that this is just one option amongst many.

Queer people have been creating intentional families forever. Well, so have consensually non-monogamous and polyamorous people.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How do you feel about having children with your partner(s)? What about your partner(s) having children with other partners?”

I’ve been sitting on this card since I drew it, wondering how to tackle it. I’m lifelong childfree by choice, and I have a personal policy of not dating anyone who has children or is intending to have them in the future. So in some ways, this question isn’t relevant to me. I also feel wildly unqualified to discuss parenting in any kind of meaningful way. However, I do have lots of poly friends who have kids. I also consider myself part of an all-adults (and cats) poly family. So this got me thinking about the various different permutations of polyamorous families that exist.

So what is a polyamorous family and how can you create one? Let’s talk about how they can look, shall we?

Creating a Blended Family

Blended families are not new. They’ve been commonplace for as long as separation/divorce and remarriage have existed, and probably even longer. In the monogamous world, they often happen when a couple with children splits up, and then one or both of them gets a new partner.

Creating blended families is also pretty common in the polyamorous world. A lot of people come to polyamory later, having been in a monogamous relationship for many years and had children with their formerly-monogamous partner. Others have always been polyamorous, but have split up or denested with their co-parent(s) along the way. In these situations, a blended family can occur when people who already have children start dating others (who may or may not also have their own kids) and decide they want to build a serious, entangled relationship.

Example: Alice and her wife Beth have a three year old child together. Beth then starts dating Charlie, who has two children with his ex-wife. Charlie and his children become part of Alice, Beth and their child’s life, creating a blended polyamorous family.

Having Children in a Poly Family

Deciding to have children is a huge decision and not something that should be taken lightly in any relationship. But if you decide you want to have children with your partners, there are numerous ways to do it.

If there are multiple people in your polycule who are capable of becoming pregnant, you will need to decide on who will carry and give birth to the child. Likewise if there are multiple people capable of getting somebody pregnant. Your decisions here will likely take into account a wide array of factors, from personal preferences to level of physical or emotional risk.

If you have access to suitable medical care and legal structures that allow it, some poly families decide that two members of a polycule will provide the biological material to create a child and another member of the polycule will carry and birth the baby.

Some people with multiple partners who are capable of getting them pregnant decide to simply have unprotected sex with both/all of their partners, letting biology do its thing and considering everyone equal parents regardless of biological parentage. This option is fraught with potential issues so I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it, but it is a thing some people do.

If your polycule does not have a combination of at least one person with a uterus who can (or wants to) carry a child and at least one person with a penis who can (or wants to) get someone pregnant, you may need to explore other options such as adoption, surrogacy, fertility treatments, and so on.

A major word of caution: in many places, including the UK, a child cannot have more than two legal parents. This means that things can get messy and painful for everyone, especially the kids, in the event of a polyamorous family break-up. The laws surrounding parental responsibility and parental rights are complex, and vary tremendously by jurisdiction. Always, always consult a sympathetic family lawyer as part of your polyamorous family planning.

Example: Dani has two male partners, Edward and Finn, and they have all lived together happily for many years. The three of them decide they want to have children together. After extensive discussion, they decide that Finn will be the biological father of their first child but that all three of them will play an equal parental role. The three of them find a poly-friendly family lawyer who can help them navigate the legal complexities involved in this arrangement.

An All-Adults Poly Family

Of course, children are not necessary to create a family. You can also have a poly family consisting entirely of adults, if you want! My nesting partner and our cat are my family. Other partners and metamours and friends can and have also become part of that family, too.

All living together isn’t necessary to be a family, either. You can if you want to, of course, but it’s optional. Not everyone is suited to sharing living space and it doesn’t make you any less family. There are very few people I could happily live with. But my family is not defined by who lives under the same roof and yours doesn’t need to be, either.

Example: Greg starts a relationship with Harry. After they’ve been dating for a while, Greg also really hits it off with Harry’s husband Isaac, and they form a strong platonic friendship. The three of them spend a lot of time together playing games, watching movies, or walking their dogs and consider themselves a family. If any of them start a new relationship at any point, they’re also open to that person becoming a part of their family.

Family in a Parallel Polyamorous Relationship

Parallel polyamory occurs when a person has two or more partners, but those partners have little to no interaction with one another. They know the other(s) exist and may know top-line information about one another, but that’s the extent of the relationship.

However, practicing parallel polyamory doesn’t mean you can’t create a sense of family within your poly relationships. There’s no reason you can’t become family with both, multiple, or all of your partners. This is possible even if those individuals don’t consider each other family.

Example: James has two partners, his girlfriend Kelly and his boyfriend Luke. Kelly and Luke prefer not to spend time together. Therefore, James practices parallel polyamory and nests part-time with each of his partners. He considers them both vital parts of his family even though the two relationships are separate, and prioritises special time and building traditions with both partners.

So What is a Polyamorous Family?

Ultimately, it’s whatever you decide it is! As Sophie Beer’s adorable children’s book says: love makes a family. You get to define what that looks like for you.

I’ve said it many times: one of the most simultaneously glorious and frustrating things about polyamory is how few roadmaps we have. This means there are few scripts to follow and we’re often making it up as we go along. However, it also means tremendous freedom to structure our relationships, our commitments, and our families in the ways that work for us.

Further Reading (and Listening)

Header image for book review of Monogamy? In This Economy? by Laura Boyle

[Book Review] Monogamy? In This Economy? by Laura Boyle

Published on by Amy

“Monogamy? In this economy!?” has become a bit of a meme or running joke in the polyamorous community recently. The idea, of course, is that amidst a cost of living crisis it can be more cost-effective to live in a household of multiple adults.

Obviously this is very tongue-in-cheek. No-one would seriously suggest mass polyamory as a long-term solution to one of the worst financial crises in living memory. However, it also speaks to a real truth: some polyamorous people choose to live together and combine finances out of genuine desire, others do it out of economic necessity. And honestly, for most people (regardless of relationship style), the choices we make around nesting, money and childrearing are probably driven by a combination of those two factors.

Taking on this theme, Laura Boyle (author of Ready For Polyamory and creator of the Ready For Polyamory blog) brings us her new book: Monogamy? In This Economy? Finances, Childrearing and Other Practical Concerns of Polyamory.

What’s It About and Who Is It For?

The subtitle pretty much says it all. Stepping away from the “Polyamory 101” and “how to have healthy polyamorous relationships” style of guidebook that is so prolific, Boyle has instead chosen to focus on the practicalities of actually living a polyamorous family life in a world designed for monogamy. How do polyamorous people live together, and where? What if you want to live with your partner but can’t stand your metamour? How do polyamorous families manage finances? What about the children? All these, and more, are questions that countless polyamorous people have been asked and have asked ourselves. Boyle aims to tackle them and many more here.

In preparation for writing this book, Boyle interviewed over 400 polyamorous people. These people live in virtually every permutation of “three or more adults in one household” that you can imagine. I’m frankly in awe of the research that has gone into this book and the hours it must have taken.

Boyle is US-American, and her book does naturally have a slant in that direction. Some of her research participants are located outside the US, though. Those individuals’ and families’ experiences provide useful insights into how geography, local laws and cultural norms can have an impact on polyamorous families.

Overall, you will probably find this book to be of the most practical benefit if you live in the US. However, there’s also plenty there for those of us doing polyamory in the rest of the world. In short, it’s for anyone who is polyamorous (or poly-curious) and wants to learn about how polyamorous people navigate the realities of 21st Century life.

What’s Covered

Boyle begins by briefly introducing polyamory, the concept of polyamorous families, and the methodology behind her survey in chapter 1. In chapter 2, she explores the different formats that polyamorous households can take as well as the challenges that issues such as property zoning and limitations presented by mortgage and leasing laws. Chapter 3 is all about the sometimes-thorny (and emotive) issues of beds and bedrooms, as well as adjacent issues around closet space, household chores, and bathrooms.

Chapter 4 addresses preconceptions about polyamory and the ways they can impact polyamorous families. It also tackles problems in relationships and the ways these can spill over to impact the entire network, and the unique challenges that living in small spaces can present. Chapter 5 covers making your home your own, with tips on how to ensure that everyone feels welcome and at home in the shared family space. I found the insights around understanding how your family actually uses space to be particularly insightful. Chapter 6 is all about metamours, from scheduling conflicts to navigating privacy in shared spaces. It also covers managing jealousy when you all live together.

In chapter 7, Boyle delves into all things money. She discusses navigating finances as a polyamorous family, learning how to talk about money openly, and coming to agreements about non-essential spending. Chapter 8 is all about children and childrearing, including talking to your kids about polyamory and your nesting plans, understanding and dividing up parenting responsibilities, and the additional challenges that arise as children grow into teenagers and young adults. The parenting theme continues in chapter 9, which covers issues such as family planning and unplanned pregnancies in a polyamorous context as well as polyamorous situations where not all partners are parents.

Chapter 10 is about break-ups, denesting, and ending or de-escalating cohabiting relationships. And finally, chapter 11 continues the break-ups theme but switches the focus to breaking up or deescalating while coparenting.

You can either read the book cover to cover for a comprehensive overview of some of the many ways to navigate the practicalities of life while being non-monogamous (and an intriguing insight into the many ways other people do it), or you can dip in and out to the bits that are most pertinent to your current situation and needs.

Writing Style

Like her first book, Boyle’s writing style in Monogamy? In This Economy? is chatty, accessible, and non-judgemental. She validates common concerns and normalises problems that polyamorous families may face.

Monogamy? In This Economy? is not a blueprint or an instruction manual. Instead, it explores the various different options available to multi-adult households. Boyle doesn’t tell you what to do, but offers insights into some of the many potential solutions to common challenges.

All the way through, Boyle’s insights are peppered with real-life stories from some of her hundreds of interviewees. These bring the theory to life and show some of the real-world challenges, joys, and problem-solving that takes place in polyamorous families.

I found this book to be a fairly quick read, with mostly relatively short chapters. Plenty of subheadings break it up into bite-sized chunks. They also make it easy to find the exact information you’re looking for. Boyle covers a hell of a lot of ground in this relatively concise book. She also signposts to other resources where appropriate.

Verdict & Where to Buy

I’m so glad that this book exists! Whether you are living together with multiple partners or metamours already, considering doing so, or are just curious about some of the possible solutions that are available, this practical and accessible guide will help you to navigate the inevitable challenges.

Well-researched, pragmatic, and reassuring are some of the words that come to mind to describe Laura Boyle’s second book. I currently only nest with one partner and have no plans to change that, and I’m not having children, so you could say it isn’t really for me. However, it’s still given me a huge amount to think about.

Monogamy? In This Economy? will be released on 21 August 2024. Support my work at no additional cost to you by ordering from Bookshop using my links. You can also ask your local indie or LGBTQ+ bookstore to order it in for you.

Thanks to Laura Boyle and her publisher for sending me an advance review copy of Monogamy? In This Economy? All views are, as always, my own.

Header image featuring a broken pink heart on a string for a post about polyamory breakup tips

Polyamory Breakup Tips: How to Support Your Partner Through a Breakup with Someone Else [Polyamory Conversation Cards #15]

Published on by Amy

I have thought more about breakups in the last one hundred and four days at the time of writing (but who’s counting?) than I ever thought either possible or desirable. I’m not even close to ready to write about the particular and brutal ways that my own heart has been torn out this year, and I’m not sure when I will be, but at least I can use this experience to bring you some hopefully-useful polyamory breakup tips.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How can your partner(s) best support you when you’re facing challenges in your other relationships or have a broken heart?”

I’m not going to give you my best “how to get over a breakup” tips, mostly because I don’t fucking know y’all, I wouldn’t still be crying every day if I knew that. So instead, we’ll look at another unique polyamory breakup problem: how to support your partner when someone else has broken their heart.

Ask What They Need

This is always my first tip when people ask me how to support their partner through a breakup or any other traumatic life event. People are different and need different things. Some people want lots of company and distraction when they’re heartbroken. Others prefer to be given plenty of their own space to turn inwards and process. So ask your partner what they need and what will be most helpful to them.

Of course, they may not know, and you need to make room for that. But even if they don’t know now, the simple act of asking shows that you care. It shows that you will be there for them as and when they do know what they need.

With that said, read on for some general tips that I’ve found tend to work well.

Take Care of the Practical Things

For the first four or five days after my most recent breakup, I could do almost nothing but lie on the sofa and cry. Mr C&K took care of practical things around our home, picking up the slack where I couldn’t and cooking for me so that I’d at least have a chance at eating something healthy.

Taking care of practical things can be a godsend for someone who is heartbroken. In the midst of grief, even small daily tasks can feel insurmountable. So feed them, take care of household chores, pick up the kids from school or walk the dog. By taking these things off their plate, you give them time and space to do the grieving they need to do.

Distract Them

Grief and heartbreak need to be processed. However, no-one can do this 24 hours a day until they feel better. Sometimes, it’s important just to get back out into the world and think about other things.

Providing distractions can be a great way to cheer someone up, pull them out of the fog, and show them that they’re still an awesome and complete human without the person who broke their heart. Take them out if they’re up for it. Watch fun movies or TV shows with them, play a game, do a project, or just talk about something else.

Let Them Feel Their Feelings

When someone you love is hurting, it can be tempting to want to make them feel better by any means necessary. This comes from a good place, but it can end up doing more harm than good. If you’re not careful, your partner may end up feeling pressured to hide their true feelings or to “get over it” more quickly than is realistic for them.

Hold space for their feelings. Do not diminish those feelings, try to “logic” your partner out of feeling them, or tell them that they shouldn’t feel a particular way. Instead validate, empathise, and let them know that whatever they feel is okay.

Don’t Expect it to be Quick or Easy

Breakups, particularly bad and traumatic breakups, are a form of grief. This pain does not, for most of us, pass quickly or easily. It can take weeks, months, or even years for someone to completely get over the ending of a relationship.

That’s not to say they’ll be totally non-functional for all that time. Most people won’t be. I went back to work a few days after my recent breakup, because I had to.

Sometimes, they might think they’re fine. They might even be fine for hours, days, weeks at a time. Then something will remind them of the breakup and they’ll be slammed by a wave of grief again. Be there for them when this happens. Be patient, and be prepared to reassure them that this experience is normal.

Resist the Temptation to Step Into the Ex Partner’s Place

When your partner is experiencing loss, it’s natural to want to fill that void. In a polyamorous situation, remaining partners often make the mistake of trying to step into the ex partner’s place or fill their shoes (either in a self-serving way, in an attempt to comfort the grieving partner, or both.)

Resist this temptation with all your might.

Nurture and grow your own relationship with your partner, and allow it to be what it is. This may or may not include changing some aspects of it in response to the breakup, either temporarily or permanently. But do not try to be or to replace someone else. It will backfire badly on both of you if you do.

Seek Support for Yourself, If You Need It

There are two important angles to consider here.

Firstly, caring for someone else – even (or especially) someone you love immensely – can be draining. It’s important to also take care of your own needs and seek support so that you don’t burn out.

The Circle of Grief can be useful here: support in, dump out. In other words, extend support to people who are closer to the current crisis than you (in this case, that’s your partner who got their heart broken.) Vent to, complain to, and seek support from people who are further away from it than you (in this case, that’s likely other friends or family, possibly other partners, and maybe a therapist.)

If you were practicing kitchen table polyamory or were otherwise close to your now ex-metamour, you might also be experiencing your own feelings of loss and grief. I’ve lost friendships and sexual relationships with metamours when one of us broke up with our mutual partner, and that loss is real and painful. If this sounds familiar, don’t forget to tend to yourself too.

Do you have any useful polyamory breakup tips for us? Any amazing ways your partner(s) have supported you when someone else broke your heart?

Smiling young lesbian couple standing outside a house holding keys. Header for a post about nesting relationship agreements in polyamory

Nesting Relationship Agreement That Work: Six Questions to Ask Yourselves [Polyamory Conversation Cards #13]

Published on by Amy

Not everyone who is polyamorous wants a nesting relationship – one where you live together with your partner or partners. Some people prefer solo polyamory, or being their own primary partner. Others are highly introverted and prefer to live alone for this reason. Some live a nomadic lifestyle, travel a lot, or prefer to be able to change their living situation regularly.

For many of us, though, living with one or more partners is our current reality or a desired future state.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“Is it important for you to share (or keep sharing) your home with one or multiple partners?”

So let’s talk about nesting relationships and the agreements that govern them. Here are six questions you and your partner(s) should be asking yourselves and each other, whether you’re thinking about moving in together, transitioning from monogamy to polyamory while in a nested relationship, or revising your agreements.

A quick reminder on terminology, as we are going to be talking about agreements, boundaries, and rules in this post.

Boundaries pertain to yourself and the things that belong to you, such as your body, mind, time, and possessions. An example of a boundary is “I will use barriers during sex to protect my sexual health.”

Agreements are made by, and followed by, both or all parties in a relationship, household, or other group. They should enhance the relationship, providing safety, stability or structure without being overly restrictive or onerous. One example is, “we will keep each other in the loop when we take on a new sexual or romantic partner.”

Rules are imposed on people from the outside and involve compelling or forbidding them to do certain things. Rules are generally seen as controlling and frowned upon by the polyamorous community. An example of a rule is “you’re not allowed to have sex without a condom with anyone but me.”

What are your individual and collective needs around shared vs. private space?

When I moved in with my nesting partner years ago, one of my requirements before agreeing to the move was that I would have my own office space. This was essential for me, but may not be for you. On the other hand, maybe you’d like your own bedroom? A shared living space where you can have your friends over for D&D night? A room where you can close the door and play video games in peace?

Negotiating your needs and wants around shared and private space is essential when you’re navigating nesting relationship agreements.

Under society’s monogamous paradigm, when a couple moves in together the assumption is usually that they will share a bedroom and bed. This works for many couples, but not others! I know many polyamorous couples or groups who live together in a setup where everyone has their own bedroom. They may bed-hop or stay over in each other’s rooms, occasionally or regularly, but everyone has a space that is ultimately their own.

If you prefer to sleep separately some or all of the time, or if you generally want to sleep together but also need your own room to retreat to, that’s something you will need to work out as you create your nesting agreements. (By the way: it’s also fine to have your own bedrooms if you’re monogamous!)

Will other partners be able to visit us at home, and under what circumstances?

Some people practice a strictly parallel form of polyamory in which metamours never meet or interact. This is a completely valid way to be polyamorous, but it can present challenges when one dyad is nesting together.

If you practice parallel polyam, one or both of you dislikes your metamour(s) for some reason, or you are just someone who dislikes hosting people in your space, this might mean that other partners cannot visit you at home.

In some circumstances, this will be totally navigable. Perhaps your non-nesting partners can host at their places. Maybe one of you travels a lot for work and the other can have their other sweeties over during those times. Perhaps you have the money to get a hotel room for regular date nights. Perhaps your other partners are long distance and you only see each other very occasionally. In other circumstances, though, it can present a major issue. These restrictions can even prevent non-nesting relationships from growing, developing, and thriving if they are not carefully managed. If this is your situation, employing creative solutions is called for.

You may decide that not being able to host other partners in a shared home is a dealbreaker for you. Conversely, you may decide that having your metamours in your living space is a dealbreaker. Both are valid choices but, if you and your nesting partner or potential nesting partner aren’t on the same page about this, it might be a sign that living together isn’t right for you.

If you do agree that it’s okay to host people at home, do you need any agreements around that? Are there any limitations, requests, or boundaries that will make it more comfortable for everyone involved? For example:

  • “Please give me a heads-up if your other partner is coming over so I’m not surprised by an unexpected guest”
  • “Please keep the noise down after 10pm as I have to get up early for work”
  • “We generally won’t have other people over on Thursdays as that’s our date night”
  • “Until our new partners have met our children, we’ll only invite them over after bedtime or when the kids are out”

Do we need any agreements or rules around use of beds, certain spaces, and so on?

I wrote about polyamory bed rules recently, and I touched on a common agreement that many nested polyamorous couples make: no other partners in our bed/bedroom. If you and your nesting partner have agreed that having other partners over at home is okay, then do you need to make any further agreements or provisions around use of beds or particular spaces? This will depend on a few factors, from emotional needs to the practicalities of available spaces.

I’ve seen all kinds of different variations on this theme – everything from “whoever has someone over gets the main bed, and the other nesting partner decamps to the guest room” to “other partners only in the guest room, never in our room.” If you each have your own rooms, this becomes somewhat simpler because each person can host in their own room and bed. If not, you will need to work out what feels most viable for everyone in your household as well as other partners.

Factors such as disability (does someone need close access to a bathroom? Can someone not manage stairs?) can also play a role in making these agreements, as can concerns relating to children, pets, sleep needs, work schedules, and so on.

Is there scope for other partners to live with us in the future? If so, under what circumstances?

This can be a difficult one, and people have strong feelings on both sides. Perhaps you feel as though all your relationships should have at least the potential for nesting down the line. On the other hand, perhaps you are perfectly happy to live with one person and never want to open up that possibility with any other partner.

Living preferences are deeply personal, so I won’t tell you that any one way is better than any other. What is important, though, is to ensure that you and your nesting partner are on a similar page. If one of you wants to keep nesting exclusive but the other wants the possibility of a big happy polyamorous family under one roof, this is a recipe for big problems down the line.

If living with other partners is potentially on the table, what circumstances would make that possible? Perhaps the relationship with the incoming partner would need to have been stable and healthy for several years. Perhaps this is only a possibility once your children have grown up and moved out. Presumably the metamours, as well as the partners, would need to have a strong and stable connection with one another.

Whatever you decide, it’s important to be honest with other partners. Don’t tell someone (or allow them to believe) that nesting is a possibility if it is not. Likewise, if you are looking for other potential future nesting partners, don’t downplay or obfuscate this desire to seem cool or “chill.” If you’re open to nesting after five years, don’t imply that it could happen in two.

It’s also important to remember that people’s wants, needs, and views can change. Perhaps you both genuinely feel that you never want to live with anyone else right now. That doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll feel the same way forever. You might, of course, but you also might not.

Talking about and accepting the possibility of changed minds – because relationships and connections can change us profoundly, and in ways we may not understand until we’re in them – can help to alleviate pain down the line. That’s not to say it will be easy if one of you changes your mind or wants to significantly overhaul your nesting agreements. But understanding that the possibility exists can reduce or eliminate a sense of betrayal if it does happen, opening up the door for more productive communication and problem solving.

What will happen to our relationship if one or both of us decides we no longer wish to be nesting partners?

Denesting means transitioning a nesting relationship to one where you don’t live together, but continuing the relationship in some form. Denesting is very rare in monogamy. It’s relatively uncommon in polyamory too, but I have seen it done and I have seen it work well. Polyamory makes it more possible, because continuing a romantic and/or relationship after denesting does not preclude the possibility of either or both of you finding other nesting partners down the road.

If you’re excited about moving in together, exploring polyamory, or making some other significant change to your nesting relationship, “what happens if it doesn’t work out?” is probably the last thing you want to think about. But it is really, really important to consider and to talk about.

Does your relationship have the potential to continue in a different format if you decide to denest? Does the reason behind the denesting matter? (For example, some people might feel that they could denest relatively happily if their partner received an amazing job opportunity in a different city, but not if their partner decided they’d prefer to nest with another lover instead.)

What discussions, agreements, and boundaries might be needed if you did choose to denest? How might your relationship look if nesting was no longer a part of it?

Of course, none of this is set in stone or constitutes a binding commitment. You might think you’ll feel one way, but feel completely differently – for better or worse – in reality. But having the conversations and imagining the possibilities can save you heartache and pain down the road.

How will we share finances, chores, and other responsibilities (e.g. childcare and pets?)

This isn’t really a polyamory question, of course, but it is a vital nesting relationship question. If you’re not on at least roughly the same page about these things, it’s a sign you are not ready to live together or not compatible as nesting partners.

How will finances work? (I wrote a long essay about polyamory and money recently.) Who will be responsible for which chores and tasks? How will care for children, pets, and other dependents work? How will you navigate it if one of you is much messier than the other?

It’s been said that the vast majority of domestic issues in relationships are actually roommate issues. I think there’s a lot of truth to this idea. Before you can work out how (or if) you can live together polyamorously, you need to work out how (or if) you can live together, period.

What agreements do you have in your nesting relationship? Any pearls of wisdom to share?

Picture of a clock, header for a post on polyamory time management tips

8 Polyamory Time Management Tips Beyond Google Calendar [Polyamory Conversation Cards #10]

Published on by Amy

Love is infinite, so the cliché goes. Love is infinite but time and energy are not, so the polyamorous version of the cliché goes. In polyamory, time management and scheduling are amongst the biggest sources of conflict that can damage relationships and polycules.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“What is your preferred way of scheduling dates/tine with your partner(s)?”

Luckily, scheduling and polyamory time management challenges are much easier to mitigate and overcome than (for example) jealousy, metamours who don’t get along, or major disagreements about money. With some forward planning and some simple strategies, you can limit scheduling conflicts and make your time management relatively painless.

Here are eight of my tips for how to do it.

Get a Shareable Calendar

Okay, I know I said “beyond Google Calendar”, but we really do need to start with this. Polyamorous people and Google Calendar is one of those things that’s a stereotype because it’s sort of true. Most of us have busy lives, and more romantic relationships means more people’s needs and schedules to juggle. It can get overwhelming fast.

You absolutely need some sort of calendar that you can share with the relevant people (which probably includes your partners but may also include your metamours, children, other family members, close friends, or work colleagues, depending on your circumstances.)

If you and your partners all live together and are the old-fashioned sorts, this could be a literal physical calendar or a whiteboard on the fridge. Most of us, though, will need a digital solution. Google Calendar is probably still the most popular, but there are dozens if not hundreds of calendar-sharing and family scheduling apps. Try some out and find which ones work for you and your polycule.

You don’t need to share your calendar with everyone in your polycule unless you want to, but many polyamorous people find it useful to do so. At the very least, having your calendar on an app on your phone means you can pull it out and see your schedule at a glance whenever you’re trying to make plans with one of your sweeties.

If you and any of your partners have shared responsibilities such as caring for children, pets, and other dependants, you might want to consider a separate calendar just to coordinate how those responsibilities will be managed and divided up.

Aim for Equity, Not Equality

Equality is giving everyone the same things. Equity is ensuring everyone has what they need to thrive, which will be different for everyone. Keep this difference in mind when you’re scheduling time with your partners. Not every partner will want the same amount of time with you, and not every relationship will need the same amount of time to thrive.

A casual or primarily sexual comet relationship, for example, may operate best with one date night every few months when you happen to be in the same place. A committed and intense romantic relationship, on the other hand, may need much more time together in order to remain happy and healthy.

Talk to your partners about their time wants and needs in your relationship, and share your own. Be honest about what you want and what you can offer. And remember that each relationship will look different, and this is fine and normal.

If you and a partner are in wildly different places (they want to see you once a month but you want to sleep over three times a week, for example,) you may find that you’re not compatible as partners or need to renegotiate some aspects of your relationship. This isn’t a failure. It’s important information that can help you to communicate more honestly and build healthier, happier relationships.

Balance Routine with Space for Spontaneity

I remember once hearing a polyamorous person joke that the maximum number of partners any one individual should have is 27 (“because even in the shortest month of the year, you’ve still got one day to yourself!”)

This was obviously said for comic effect, but I think it speaks to a very real tendency some polyamorous people have: we overcommit to plans, overschedule ourselves, and end up with a diary that’s so packed there is no space for self-care, rest, or spontaneity.

For some polyamorous people, having an established routine with their partner(s) is one of the ways they feel loved and secure. For example, maybe every Thursday night is your standing date night. This doesn’t work for everyone (it doesn’t work for me – my schedule is too inherently unpredictable and changeable due to several factors) but it works beautifully for others. You might find it works well in one of your relationships and not in another, and that’s fine.

Whether you like to have standing dates or not, you likely have at least some routines you stick to. Work, childcare, and hobbies are just some things that can dictate people’s schedules. Make sure that you don’t schedule your time so tightly that you’re left with no downtime, though. It’s important to have time to yourself, time to do nothing in particular, and the opportunity to make or say “yes” to spontaneous plans if you want to.

Make Scheduling Chats a Part of Your Relationship

When I was with one of my exes, we’d have a 10-15 minute “scheduling chat” every so often (in practice, it tended to be every 3-4 weeks) where we’d look ahead a few weeks and put time in the diary to see each other and generally talk about what plans we had coming up. This worked well and I recommend it.

Scheduling doesn’t need to be onerous, stressful, or tremendously time-consuming. Just make a habit of sitting down with your calendars and mapping out your plans every so often. This might be as often as every week in the case of some nesting couples – particularly if you have children – or as infrequently as every few months if you’re comet or long-distance partners. If you have a very intertwined polycule or polyamorous family, you might want to do this all together.

Do Things All Together If You Can (But Don’t Mistake Group Time for Date Time)

If you practice kitchen table polyamory or another structure where metamours get along and enjoy spending time together, then doing things all together (or in smaller breakout groups from the entire polycule) can not only be fun, but allow everyone to get more time overall with their partners.

However, do not make the classic newbie polyamory time management error of turning every date into a group hang. Relationships all require one-on-one time to thrive. If you keep inviting all your partners over at the same time, you might be surprised to hear them all saying “when do I get to spend quality time with you?” after a while.

Group time and date time can both be valuable, but they are not the same thing and they are not interchangeable. And by the way, this applies even if you’re in a group romantic relationship such as a triad or quad.

Don’t Mistake Incidental Time for Quality Time

Ironically, many polyamory time management conflicts arise not in long-distance or comet relationships but in marriages and nesting partnerships. If you live with your partner, chances are you spend a lot of incidental time together – passing in the kitchen when you go to make a cup of coffee, doing household chores together, or sitting in the living room together in the evening while you both scroll on your phones or read your books.

None of this is the same as quality time. Mistaking it as such can easily lead to your nesting partner feeling ignored, abandoned, and resentful – especially if you are spending all sorts of quality date time with your other partners.

This incidental time can be great for a relationship. However, it’s important to build in quality time, too. Don’t forget to make date nights with your nesting partner or spouse and to set aside time to focus exclusively on being with each other and enjoying one another’s company.

Get Comfortable with the Fact That There Will Be Conflicts

Even in the monogamous world, there are going to be scheduling conflicts sometimes. For example, what happens when your partner has an important work event and wants you to be their +1 on the same night as your sister is having her birthday party? Scheduling conflicts are a fact of life and polyamory is no different.

Don’t make it a goal to avoid all scheduling conflicts. This is probably impossible. Instead, do what you can to minimise them (see the preceding tips!) and be prepared to roll with them when they do arise. Assuming good faith, giving each other grace when scheduling mistakes happen, and being prepared to get creative with solutions will all help you to navigate scheduling conflicts with minimal stress, pain, and drama.

Which brings me to the final tip…

Be Flexible

Flexibility is perhaps one of the most important and most underrated attributes that successful polyamorous people display. When there are multiple people in your romantic network, things are sometimes going to change. There are going to be emergencies, crises, and unforeseen circumstances popping up at least occasionally.

Flexibility allows you to roll with these changes and still feel safe, secure, and happy in your relationships. This includes flexibility in the way you deal with scheduling and time management.

Flexibility is not the same thing as being a doormat or always putting others first, by the way. You should be able to safely assume that when people make plans with you, they will keep them absent an emergency. When you give flexibility, you should expect to receive it in return, too. So if you’re happy to move your regular date night so your partner can attend your metamour’s birthday celebration, you should be able to expect that the same courtesy would be given to you if a similar conflict arose.

What are your favourite polyamory time-management hacks? Share them in the comments!

Header image featuring a rulebook for a post on how to feel secure in a polyamorous relationship without lots of rules

How to Feel Secure Without Rules and Restrictions in a Polyamorous Relationship [Polyamory Conversation Cards #9]

Published on by Amy

When people are new to polyamory, and particularly if they come through the “opening up from a monogamous couple” route, it’s normal to feel a bunch of really difficult and challenging feelings: jealousy, insecurity, envy, and more. Most of us want to overcome these emotions as quickly as possible, and for good reason. They’re horrible to feel! But few of us actually know how to feel secure in relationships that do not have romantic or sexual exclusivity at their centre.

None of these feelings are unique to polyamorous people, of course. However, polyamory can provoke them and poke at sore spots in a unique way. In monogamy, it can be possible (though I would question if it’s healthy) to mask these feelings by implementing strict rules and restrictions in your relationship. But in polyamory, that’s often not possible… or, even if it is possible, it’s not fair or kind to either yourself or the other people involved.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“What’s the most important thing your partner(s) could do to help you feel (more) secure and comfortable?”

This is a great question to ask yourself no matter where you are in your polyamorous journey. The problem is that a lot of people, when faced with this question, will immediately jump to ways that they would like their partner(s) to curtail, limit, or restrict their other relationships.

For example, someone might say “I don’t want my partner to have unbarriered sex with anyone but me,” “I don’t want my partner to take anyone else to that restaurant I like,” or “I would like them to promise never to love someone else as much as they love me.”

These types of answers are simple, seductive, and seem intuitive. The problem is that they’re almost always a bad idea. Let’s dive into why restrictive rules are problematic if you want to be polyamorous (as opposed to practicing swinging or some other form of more couple-centric non-monogamy)… and what you can do instead to build a lasting sense of security and safety in your relationships.

First, Why is Restriction a Bad Thing?

Placing limiting rules and restrictions on your partners’ other relationships is a problem for two main reasons. The first is that it’s unfair on the people involved in those relationships: your partner(s) and your metamour(s.)

Adults do not generally enjoy being told what they can and cannot do by other adults, particularly in ostensibly egalitarian dynamics like romantic relationships. Relationships tend to suffer under restrictions, particularly those imposed by outside parties. I have seen many, many relationships struggle, wither, and ultimately die due to restrictions placed upon them by an insecure spouse or “primary” partner.

It is grossly unethical, unkind and unfair to invite people into your lives as loving partners, only to then starve their relationship of the freedom and autonomy it needs to actually grow and thrive.

The second reason restrictive rules are a problem? They don’t work.

They might make you feel safer and more secure, but the safety that restriction gives you is an illusion. I’ve said it before and I will say it again: if your partner loves you and wants to sustain your relationship, they will. If they don’t, no amount of rules or limitations on their other relationships will compel them to.

Think about it: if rules actually protected people, monogamous people would never cheat. They would never leave their partners for somebody else. There wouldn’t be dozens of posts in the polyamory forums and discussion groups every week saying “help, my partner broke a rule! What do I do now?”

I’m also not even convinced these restrictions actually do help to build long-term internal security. Insecurities aren’t rational, and they will try to protect themselves unless you take the time to really decontruct and unpack and work against them. What I see most often is that one restriction helps for a while… until it doesn’t, and then the insecure person wants to institute another one. Which also works until it doesn’t. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum.

How to Feel Secure Without Restriction in Your Polyamorous Relationship: 5 Ways to Build Security

So if rules and restrictions on your partners’ other relationships have so many ethical issues and don’t even work anyway, what can we do instead?

Here are five things that I think do work. They might not all resonate with you, but hopefully some of them will. Even if you just work on one of them for now, with time they can help you to build the kind of lasting safety and internal security that allows polyamorous relationships to thrive.

Make Agreements (Not Rules)

I think it’s clear by now that I’m not a fan of restrictive rules in relationships. But this doesn’t mean I am against relationship agreements. Quite the opposite: I think agreements are a vital cornerstone of keeping relationships healthy, strong, and secure.

But what defines an agreement as opposed to a rule? In my opinion, the key cornerstones of agreements are:

  1. They are mutually arrived at and freely agreed upon by all affected parties
  2. They apply equally and do not invoke any kind of double standard
  3. They are renegotiable if any party becomes unhappy with them (or so fundamental that there would be no coming back from a breach)
  4. They do not limit, restrict, or adversely impact people who did not have a hand in making them

If you’re calling something an agreement but it doesn’t meet the above standards… sorry, it’s probably a rule or a restriction.

Your relationship agreements will be as unique as your relationship. But to get you started, here are some examples of agreements drawn from my life, my friends’ lives, and successful polyamorous relationships I’ve seen out in the wild:
  • “We will inform each other in advance if we’re intending to go on a date or hook up with someone new. If something happens unplanned or spontaneously, we will inform each other as soon as possible.”
  • “We will get sexual health screenings every 3 months and keep each other in the loop about our results and our safer sex practices.”
  • “We will tell the truth, even when it’s hard.”
  • “If one of us has sex with someone else in our shared bed, we will change the sheets.”
  • “We will give each other space when we’re on dates with other partners. Likewise, when we’re on a date with each other, we will put our phones away and focus on each other.”

…And so on.

Do Your Internal Work

This is perhaps the hardest of all the strategies on this list. I also think it’s the most important.

I do not believe that stupid saying that “it’s impossible to love someone until you love yourself” (in fact, I think it’s actively harmful.) What I do believe, though, is that a level of self-awareness and self-work are essential to building healthy relationships of any kind.

Internal work means taking your fears, insecurities, and jealousies out and examining them. It means considering where they come from and what they are telling you, then deconstructing those narratives. It means challenging yourself and finding safe containers in which to explore uncomfortable and painful feelings. Get curious, be kind to yourself, and adopt a philosophy of questioning your fears and insecurities rather than assuming that they are telling you the truth.

Doing the internal work doesn’t happen in a vacuum. It will, and should, require additional support and resources. For example, you might:
  • Read books and articles, watch videos, or listen to podcasts on subjects like healthy polyamory and overcoming insecurity
  • Work with a therapist to unpack your struggles and any traumas they stem from
  • Seek support and reassurance from your partner(s) as you process and understand your feelings
  • Talk to your friends, family members, or other trusted loved ones
  • Connect with polyamorous community, either in person and online, to share your struggles and get support
  • Engage in other healing, self-care activities such as yoga, meditation, or spiritual rituals and practices

It’s important to understand that self-work of this nature is not simple, quick, or linear. You’ll have good days and bad days, and that is normal. It’s best if you can view “working on yourself” as an ongoing, lifelong practice rather than a to-do item to tick off.

Work on Your Relationship with Your Partner

Security in a relationship doesn’t come from limiting your lover’s other connections. It comes from ensuring that your relationship with your lover is as strong, healthy, and happy as it can possibly be.

Remember: no-one else can make your partner leave you, neglect you, treat you poorly, or behave badly in your relationship. Those choices come from them. If your relationship is happy and healthy, no other relationship – no matter how wonderful – can threaten it or your place in your partner’s life.

So think about the things you need from your partner that do not relate to how they interact with others or behave in their other relationships. Figure out what you need and want, and ask for those things. Likewise, ask your partner what they need and want from you unrelated to your other relationships.

For example, you might ask for things like…
  • An evening each week where you have focused, one-to-one quality time together
  • Regular physical touch (hugs, cuddles, hand holding, hair stroking and so on as well as sex)
  • For them to plan something nice for your birthday, anniversary, or other special occasion
  • Regular verbal expressions of love, care, and affection

You’re not guaranteed to get everything you ask for, of course. People always have the right to say no to requests that are made of us. But if you ask for the things you want, you’ve got a much higher chance of getting at least some of them than if you expect your lover to read your mind.

Learn to be Reflective, Not Reactive, in the Face of Difficult Feelings

When we’re learning how to feel secure in our relationships, it’s normal to run into challenging, painful, and difficult emotions. These are a normal part of life and particularly of navigating a non-normative relationship style. As you build skills and security, though, you’ll find that they lessen in both frequency and intensity and become more manageable when they do crop up.

One of the most important skills you can learn is being reflective rather than reactive in the face of these difficult feelings. This means sitting with the feelings and asking yourself gentle questions to unpack them, rather than immediately reacting. Even just pausing to take a few breaths, count to ten, and regulate your nervous system before you respond can make a huge difference.

Examples of emotional reactivity might include yelling or shouting at your partner(s) or metamour(s), saying unkind things that you don’t mean and will later regret, crying uncontrollably, having a physical response (such as punching or throwing an object), or storming out of a room.

At its extreme end, emotional reactivity can include becoming violent or causing harm to yourself or others. If you’ve done either of these things in the wake of difficult emotions, or felt that you were at risk of doing them, you should seek out professional support urgently.

Emotional reflectiveness, on the other hand, can look like:
  • Pausing to breathe and think through your response to a situation before doing or saying anything.
  • Politely and calmly removing yourself from a space to self-regulate.
  • Using “I” statements, such as “I think…” or “I feel…”, rather than making accusations or making your feelings someone else’s responsibility.
  • Seeking out reassurance and support by asking for it clearly and kindly rather than by acting out.
  • Recognising your own limitations and honouring your needs. For example, in a polyamorous relationship you might say to your partner “I feel insecure when I see you interacting romantically with your other partner, so I’d like to pause spending time together as a group until I’ve got these feelings more under control.”
  • Recognising that a difficult feeling is not an emergency and consciously choosing to put it aside for now and address it (either alone, with a professional, or with your partner) at a later time. This is particularly useful when you are in social situations, in public, at work, and so on.

Challenge Your Underlying Assumptions

We are all raised with a certain set of beliefs and expectations. And, in the vast majority of modern societies around the world, one of those beliefs is that monogamy is the only correct way to have a loving romantic relationship.

These assumptions and beliefs, even if we do not consciously subscribe to them, can and do have a tremendous impact on our ability to feel loved and secure in relationships. This is particularly true when we are rejecting a social norm as entrenched as mononormativity.

It’s time to challenge your underlying assumptions and the societal narratives that are no longer serving you.

Each time you run into a societal norm or an ingrained assumption that you no longer actually believe, take the time to unpack it. Ask yourself what purpose it serves. Visualise yourself setting it aside and replacing it with the thing you actually believe and want to internalise.

For example, is some part of you saying that your partner can’t really love you because they also have other lovers? This story is immensely powerful in our society and deciding to be non-monogamous does not erase that programming instantly.

Remind yourself why you chose to practice non-monogamy and what you really believe about love and relationships. For example:
  • “We are capable of loving many people without it diminishing our love for any individual.”
  • “Love is not a finite resource, a competition, or a zero-sum game.”
  • “Each person my partner(s) and I love or care for bring value and joy into our lives.”
  • “I am happy when my partner is happy, even if that happiness is not coming directly from me.”
  • “When I fall for someone new it doesn’t diminish the love I have for my existing partner(s). The same is likely true for them.”

What other assumptions are you carrying? If you feel insecure because your metamour is younger, thinner, more highly educated, or richer than you, ask yourself why you believe those things matter. Your partner clearly loves and values you – they wouldn’t be with you if they didn’t! – and chances are they love you for far more important reasons than the size of your shirts or the number in your bank account.

When you challenge your underlying assumptions and make an effort not to let ingrained social norms dictate your beliefs and behaviours, you get to start building self-esteem, security, and relationships based on the values and beliefs you actually want to hold.

Security is a Journey

When people ask about how to feel secure or overcome feelings such as jealousy in a polyamorous relationship, they want a list of tips that will get them to the desired destination (“no more insecurity! All compersion, all the time!”) as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, that’s not only aggressively optimistic but probably impossible.

Experiencing insecurities and difficult feelings on occasion is a normal part of being in a relationship of any kind. Polyamory can be challenging and can force us to confront not only societal norms but also our own ingrained beliefs, fears, and traumas. That’s a big deal! Give yourself a huge break. You’re doing the work, and that’s amazing. Perfection is not realistic or required.

Silhouette of a couple against a sunset. Header image for an essay on couples' privilege and polyamory

What is Couples’ Privilege and How Can It Impact Polyamorous Relationships? [Polyamory Conversation Cards #8]

Published on by Amy

Hardly anyone enjoys talking about privilege, and even fewer people enjoy facing and acknowledging the privileges that they benefit from. It’s deeply uncomfortable to recognise that we might be benefitting from unearned advantages, and particularly when those benefits come at the cost of harm to others.

However, if we want to create a more just and equal world, it’s vital that we are willing to look our privilege in the face and then begin to dismantle it. Today I want to talk about one of the most insidious and often overlooked aspects of inequality: couples’ privilege.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“Do you prioritise any of your relationships over your other relationships and if so, in what way?”

I wrote a huge essay last year about hierarchy, priority, and power in polyamory. Executive summary: we all have different priorities in our lives and priorities can shift over time. This isn’t necessarily hierarchy. A hierarchy exists when one party has power over others, and/or when one party expects, demands, or is given priority at all times and in all situations.

Couples’ privilege is intimately linked with relationship hierarchy. But it is also a slightly separate thing and, in polyamory, manifests in specific and often harmful ways.

So what is couples’ privilege, exactly?

When we talk about “privilege” more broadly, we are talking about unearned benefits or advantages that are conferred on one group of people over others due to some aspect of their identity, background, or circumstances. White privilege, straight privilege, cisgender privilege, and male privilege are some common and pervasive examples you may be aware of.

Couples’ privilege, then, refers to the advantages and benefits conferred on those who are in (or appear to be in, or are assumed to be in) a socially-sanctioned monogamous couple.

There are layers to couples’ privilege: monogamous or mono-presenting couples who live apart have it, but nested couples have more of it and married couples have even more still. Some aspects of couples’ privilege are more readily afforded to those with children. And so on. Couples’ privilege intersects with LGBTQ+ oppression, but monogamous or mono-presenting queer couples can also have couples’ privilege.

How does couples’ privilege manifest in society as a whole?

As with other types of privilege, couples’ privilege is insidious because those who have it do not usually recognise that they have it. It becomes tremendously apparent, however, when you lack it. Before we get into any of the specific ways that couples’ privilege plays out in polyamory, let’s look at some of the ways it manifests in society as a whole.

Not all couples will necessarily benefit from all of these examples, but all couples will likely benefit from at least some (and often many) of them.

Examples of Couples’ Privilege in Society

  • Significant financial advantages, such as tax breaks, can come from marriage
  • Housing becomes much more accessible and affordable as a couple. Splitting the rent or mortgage with a partner is so much cheaper than getting a one-bedroom alone
  • Shopping and cooking for two is much more cost-effective than for one
  • If you want to have children, access to fertility treatments, fostering, or adoption is much easier if you are part of a couple in many parts of the world
  • Travelling alone is much more expensive (and, for some people, much less safe)
  • Everything from restaurant tables to hotel rooms to holiday packages are sold with the assumption that two people will be sharing them
  • In friendship groups where most people are coupled up, those who are not are often either left out of activities or made to feel like “the third wheel”
  • Invitations to events such as parties, weddings, and work socials that include a +1 come with the assumption that that person will be your romantic partner (and you’ll be pitied if you come alone or looked at weirdly if you bring a platonic friend or family member instead)…
  • …Or single people don’t get a +1 at all
  • The normative models of romance that society shoves down our throats – particularly around holidays such as Valentine’s Day and Christmas – can make anyone who isn’t living that ideal feel less-than
  • Our society views committed, monogamous, romantic love as a default that everyone should either have or be looking for, casting single people as incomplete and people who opt for other relationship models as deviant

How does couples’ privilege manifest in polyamory?

In polyamory, the closer a couple appears to be to the societal monogamous ideal, the more couples’ privilege they will have. This means that married and/or nested couples enjoy numerous advantages that solo polyamorists and those in non-nesting relationships cannot access. In addition, those who present as “socially monogamous” and hide their other relationships often enjoy more couples’ privilege than those who are more open about their polyamory.

In polyamorous relationships, couples’ privilege can often reinforce relationship hierarchies and power structures, causing serious harm to partners outside of the privileged dyad. Let’s look at some of the ways that this can manifest.

Again, not all of these examples will be relevant to all situations. But it is likely that all polyamorous people in a marital or nesting relationship will benefit from at least some of them. Again, this is far from an exhaustive list.

Examples of Couples’ Privilege in Polyamory

  • When an existing couple opens their relationship, they assume that they get to make the rules and incoming partners must abide by them
  • If unbarried sex is only available to certain partners, the marital/nesting partner will usually have access to it by default
  • Various relationship milestones such as living together, having children, or marriage may only be available to one partner
  • Financial and legal benefits, from inheritance rights to hospital visitation, may only be available to one partner
  • Permission dynamics in which couples have to ask one another before they can date a new person, escalate a relationship, or even see an existing partner
  • Rules that restrict certain activities, date locations, and sex acts to the original couple
  • If the couple is not “out” as polyamorous, other partners may not get to meet their partner’s friends and family, post about their relationship on social media, or appear as a couple in public
  • Conflict resolution is easier if you live together
  • If a couple has problems, they may close down the relationship again or end, restrict, or “backburner” other relationships in order to focus on their dyad regardless of the pain this causes to those other partners
  • “Not in our house”/”not in our bed” rules that put a significant logistical or financial burden on external relationships
  • Veto power, whether explicit or implicit. After all, it’s easy for a married or nested couple to say “we don’t have veto power”. But if one of them ever wants to close the relationship or puts an “it’s them or me” ultimatum on the table, other partners are not on equal footing and the more priviliged partner is far more likely to win
  • Unicorn hunting, which creates relationships with unequal power dynamics in which the original couple gets to make all the decisions

How does couples’ privilege impact other partners?

The problem with privilege, ultimately, is the harm it causes to those who do not have it. In polyamory, couples’ privilege primarily negatively impacts other partners who date one or both members of a couple.

Unfortunately, some couples choose – consciously or unconsciously – to wield couples’ privilege as a weapon. These couples are usually the ones who only date together, the ones with heaps of restrictive rules, the ones with heavily permission-based dynamics, and the ones who explicitly or implicitly use the threat of a veto to keep other partners in line.

In far more cases, though, couples’ privilege causes harm not through any malicious intent but through a lack of awareness and good intentions gone awry. Most of us are extraordinarily bad at truly recognising the extent and impact of our own privilege.

Falling in love with someone who is steeped in unexamined or unaddressed couples’ privilege is its own special kind of pain. At the extreme end of things, partners outside the privileged dyad may feel as though they can never truly be safe or secure, because an external party could restrict or take away their relationship at any moment.

They may also continually feel less-than, sidelined, or ignored. Having to hide your relationship while your metamour is openly acknowledged by your partner, for example, can be acutely painful. Similarly, it can be difficult to feel like an actual player in your own relationship if a third party is making the rules or has to be asked for permission before you can see one another, have sex, do a certain activity, or progress your relationship.

How can we mitigate the harm couples’ privilege causes in our other relationships?

In our current society it is, unfortunately, pretty much impossible to entirely eliminate couples’ privilege. The entire world, or so it seems, is built to uphold, promote, and support the monogamous dyadic relationship and the nuclear family.

Even so, there are actually lots of things you can do to limit the impact and mitigate the harm it can cause if you are a beneficiary of couples’ privilege.

When it comes to how to actually reduce the impact of couples’ privilege in polyamorous relationships, I’m going to come at this from two angles: reducing insidious and unintentional couples’ privilege, and how not to use couples’ privilege as a weapon. I think these are two slightly different issues.

How not to use couples’ privilege as a weapon

It’s really easy, especially when you’re new to polyamory, to use couples’ privilege as a weapon. Almost no-one who does this actually wants to hurt other people, though! In the vast majority of cases, people do it because it helps them to feel safer, more secure, or less threatened.

And I get that. I really do. Polyamory can be frightening and can drag up all kinds of fears, insecurities, and layers of pain.

Couples’ privilege can give the illusion of security, particularly when you’re new to non-monogamy. That illusion is incredibly seductive. After all, if things get too big and too scary you can just slam the lid back on and close the relationship. Or you can just add a few more restrictions and limitations until you and your original partner feel comfortable. Right? Well, not so fast.

Those other people who are dating you or your partner? They’re human beings with feelings and needs. And they have every bit as much right to be there as you do. (Yes, even if you’ve been there longer.)

What’s more, wielding couples’ privilege as a blunt tool to help you feel more secure won’t actually work. You don’t build security, trust, and safety in a relationship by restricting your partner or using other people’s hearts as collateral damage in assuaging your own fears and insecurities.

What you can do instead

Instead of using your couples’ privilege to keep yourself safe, work on building actual security in your relationships. Ask for what you want and need from your partners (and no, “I want more than my metamours get” doesn’t count.)

Work on your self-esteem and confidence, with the help of a therapist if possible. Seek out polyamorous communities, resources, and friends who can support you on this journey. When you feel difficult feelings, learn to sit with them. Interrogate them, ask yourself what they’re telling you, and learn how to communicate non-violently with your partners about them.

In the past, I’ve wielded couples’ privilege carelessly and harmfully in an effort to keep myself safe. It not only didn’t work, it harmed my partners, my metamours, my relationships, and myself. When I realised this, two things happened:

  1. I felt deep shame for my behaviours.
  2. I had to seriously question whether I was actually capable of being polyamorous.

Somewhere deep inside, I knew the answer to that second question was “yes.” However, it took years of deep personal work (with the love and support of my partners) to do the personal growth and build the skills toolkit I needed to actually do it well. Learn from my mistakes – do that growth and build those skills before you hurt yourself, someone else, or your relationships.

Reducing the unintentional impacts of couples’ privilege

In many ways, unintentional couples’ privilege is the hardest to mitigate. A lot of this stuff is societal and systemic, and that makes it almost impossible for individuals or couples to overcome. However, mitigating it as much as possible begins with awareness. You need to understand how couples’ privilege works and the ways in which you may not be able to see it.

I don’t have any easy answers to this. As with all forms of inequality, dismantling couples’ privilege and its harmful effects is an ongoing – probably lifelong – commitment. I do have a few thoughts on things that can help, though.

Question Yourself

Now that you’re aware of couples’ privilege and how insidious it can be, you can start to more consciously view your choices through that lens. When you make a relationship decision, ask yourself “does this protect or uphold the socially-sanctioned dyad at the expense of another person or relationship?” If so, chances are couples’ privilege is in play.

Question your motivations, too. Why do you feel the need to behave in a certain way? If it’s because That’s Just The Way Things Are Done, to assuage insecurities, to follow the social norm, or to reinforce the primacy of one partner or relationship… yup. Couples’ privilege.

Be Honest and Upfront

It’s absolutely vital to state any limitations that will apply to relationships upfront to new partners. If you already have a nesting partner and don’t want to live with anyone else, for example, that’s fine – but you need to be honest about it. This means that you are not leading anyone on with the hope of something you are unable or unwilling to offer them.

For plenty of prospective partners, this will work fine! Perhaps they’re solo, already have their own nesting partner, or are just happy to have a different type of relationship with you.

If you and your existing partner have a lot of rules, a veto agreement, or a permission dynamic, new partners also absolutely need and deserve to know these things upfront. Many people – including most experienced polyamorists – will opt out if your rules and restrictions are too extensive. But, if you are going to operate in this way, at least give people the information ahead of time and allow them to make an informed choice before their hearts get involved.

Come Out When and If You Can

This is a complex one, because there are all kinds of legitimate reasons not to be out as polyamorous or non-monogamous. Child custody, housing problems, and losing relationships with loved ones are just some of the common reasons I hear about.

I’m not going to judge your reasons and I’m certainly not going to tell you that you have to come out if it feels impossible, unsafe, or if the potential cost is too high. However, being open about one relationship and closeted about others can emphasise and perpetuate aspects of couples’ privilege.

I’m out to most people in my life, but not absolutely everyone. And I am very aware that, in those circumstances where I’m not out, this confers additional couples’ privilege on my nesting relationship.

If it’s safe and possible for you to do so, being out as polyamorous – even in a limited way and to select people – can help to reduce the impact of couples’ privilege and the pain of being “hidden” for your other partners.

Listen to Your Other Partners

If you’re not sure how partners outside of your married/nesting dyad are feeling about a choice you’ve made, ask them. And if they express that things feel unfair to them or that couples’ privilege is hurting them, listen. Do not get defensive, try to shut the conversation down, or tell them that they’re imagining things.

Pay attention to all partners’ wants and needs and, wherever possible, try to meet them. Never put one partner’s wants over another’s needs (and learn to tell the difference!) When you need to make a relationship decision, consult everyone who it impacts and seek compromise that honours everyone’s needs and the importance of all relationships as best you can.

Cultivate and Maintain Individuality

One of the most damaging societal narratives around relationships is that a couple is no longer two separate people, but a single unit. I find this creepy in monogamy, and outright harmful in polyamory. If a couple cannot operate in the world as two separate people, then they cannot build and maintain healthy and stable relationships with other people.

Seriously: individuality is one of the most powerful antidotes to couples’ privilege. Decoupling (not to be confused with breaking up!) is the process of stepping away from your joint identity as “a couple” and coming instead into identities as two separate people who are in relationship because you love each other and make each other happy. In other words, breaking out of the codependency and extreme enmeshment that modern relationship norms uphold and celebrate.

The Relationship Bill of Rights states “You have the right… to have relationships with people, not with relationships.” If you and your partner cannot decouple and function as individuals, you are absolutely doomed to mistreat and harm anyone who gets into an intimate relationship with either of you. Seriously. Being in a relationship with a highly codependent relationship, even (or especially) when you’re ostensibly only actually dating one of the people in it, is hell.

The article The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship is an excellent primer on decoupling (unfortunately you’ll now need a Medium account to read it, but it’s worth it.)

Accept that Any Relationship May Change or End Someday

The final thing I’m going to say in this section is probably going to be the hardest for most people to swallow. To be successfully and ethically polyamorous, you have to be at peace with the possibility that any of your relationships may someday end.

If you view one particular relationship as essential and unendable, then you’re in a defacto hierarchy. That person (and that relationship) will always receive priority over others. This sounds nebulous, but I’ve found it to be one of the most important aspects of reducing unintentional couples’ privilege.

In my experience, it’s always people who believe they absolutely cannot live without one particular partner who display the most egregious and damaging levels of couples’ privilege. That’s because what this tells me is that – however much we love each other and however serious our relationship gets – I’m ultimately disposable and they’ll throw me under the bus to protect that other relationship if things get difficult.

Addressing couples’ privilege is a lifelong process

As I’ve said, there are no fast or easy answers to this. Our society affirms and entrenches couples’ privilege at every level and in countless ways. For those of us doing relationships differently, we have to accept that addressing and mitigating couples’ privilege is likely a battle we will always be fighting. That might sound daunting – and it is! – but I promise it’s worth it. When we challenge couples’ privilege and the social norms it upholds, we get to have richer, more fulfilling, and kinder relationships that can look a huge variety of different ways.

If we want to be ethically polyamorous, I believe that we have to be willing to face couples’ privilege and challenge it. I’ve seen too many times what happens when we don’t.

Header image for things I've learned in 15 years of polyamory featuring blue "15" balloons popping out of a white gift box

15 Things I’ve Learned in 15 Years of Polyamory

Published on by Amy

Today, 13 March 2024, marks my 15th anniversary of being polyamorous. Of course, knowing how to quantify such things or where to count from isn’t always easy. Personally, I count from the first day that I was in two romantic relationships at the same time (with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved, of course.) For me, this was the day I got together with my first girlfriend – the woman I call my firework – while still being with my then-fiancé.

I’ve changed a lot, many times over, in those intervening fifteen years. Unsurprisingly, neither of those relationships survived for the long-haul. I’ve also learned a few things, even if I still feel like I’m winging it half the time.

So just for fun, here are fifteen things I’ve learned about polyamory and non-monogamy to celebrate fifteen years in this world.

1. You’ll probably never stop feeling as though you’re making it all up as you go along

The nature of non-normative relationships is that there are few roadmaps. Sure, there are books like The Ethical Slut, Polysecure, Polywise and so on but, compared to an entire world of monogamy-centric conditioning and assumptions about how relationships work, a lot of this is relatively unchartered territory.

As you navigate a non-monogamous relationship structure, you’ll likely always feel to some extent like you’re making it up as you go. Embrace it. That journey is part of the fun.

2. Being too rigid about relationship structures is the enemy of happiness

A lot of people enter non-monogamy thinking they know exactly what they want out of their relationships. A closed triad, an open quad, one male and one female partner, a sprawling polycule made up exclusively of neurodivergent queers…

It’s fine to have an idea of what sort of thing might make you happy, but being too rigid about the relationship structures you’re seeking can prevent you from connecting with the actual humans in front of you. Instead, stay open to possibility and accept that it will probably never look exactly like the “ideal” vision you thought you had when you first decided to practice non-monogamy. You know what’s really cool though? It might end up even better.

3. More relationships means more joy, but also more heartbreak

Being polyamorous has brought me tremendous joy. It has also brought me some of the most devastating heartbreaks of my life, including one very recent one.

When you have more relationships, you can experience more of those glorious highs that being in love brings. The flip side of this is that you also have more potential for heartbreak. Unless you’re extraordinarily lucky, at some point some of your polyamorous relationships will end, and it will suck every bit as much as it does when a monogamous relationship ends.

4. You cannot open a relationship without changing it

I recently wrote an entire huge essay about this, so I won’t recap all those points again here. But many couples come to non-monogamy saying “we want to do this without it changing our relationship.” To which, in the kindest possible way, I say “good luck with that.”

To transition from monogamy to non-monogamy is to change the fundamental structure, foundation, and nature of a relationship. There is no way to make this transition and to keep your relationship the same as it was before. This isn’t something to be afraid of, though. Change can be good. Change can be beautiful.

5. You will likely always feel at least some jealousy at least occasionally

A common misconception from monogamous people is that polyamorous people don’t get jealous. A common misconception from newly polyamorous people is that at some point they will trancend jealousy and simply… never feel it again.

Hah. I wish.

Jealousy is a normal human emotion that we are all susceptible to from time to time. You’ll likely always struggle with it at least occasionally. Instead of fearing it or placing restrictions on your relationships in an attempt to avoid it, though, it’s time to get comfortable with it. Learn to sit with difficult feelings, learn to understand what they’re telling you, and learn to communicate your way through them with your partners.

6. Compersion is lovely but it’s not essential

Compersion – that feeling of warm, fuzzy joy you get when you see your partner happy with one of their other lovers – can be absolutely wonderful. It’s one of my favourite things about polyamory. What it is not, though, is essential. Some people will never feel compersion and can still be happily polyamorous. Many people feel it sometimes but not all the time, with all partners, or in all situations.

Either way is fine. Chasing compersion is likely to just make it even harder to attain, and beating yourself up for not feeling it will make it downright impossible to find.

7. Look for community before you look for partners

When people decide to practice non-monogamy, particularly if they are opening up from an existing couple, they’re likely to ask “where can I/we meet potential partners?” And it’s a fair question, but it’s also not the first one you should be asking.

Instead of looking for partners, look for community. Join groups and forums, go to meetups, attend polyamory events and classes and workshops, and get to know other people doing this thing we call consensual non-monogamy. Finding people to date will fall into place, but you need non-monogamous friends and safe community spaces first.

8. With rare and specific exceptions, mono/poly does not work

I’ve seen a lot of people attempt a mono/poly relationship, where one person wants a monogamous relationship and the other person wants a polyamorous one. If you find that you and a partner or prospective partner have this incompatibility, the best and kindest thing you can do in 95% of cases is break up amicably.

When people attempt to make a mono/poly relationship work, most of the time one or both parties is utterly fucking miserable. Sure, you might be the exception to the rule. But in most cases, the polyamorous person will feel trapped and restricted or the monogamous person will feel sad, jealous and resentful… often both.

9. Humans are extraordinarly bad at predicting how things will make us feel

“Experience shock” is a phenomenon wherein how we think we’ll feel about something in advance does not align with how we actually feel about the thing when it happens. It’s incredibly common and so, so normal. Most of us are really bad at predicting how we will feel about something ahead of time.

Make room for experience shock as you explore non-monogamy, both your own and your partners’. Learn to say “this feels different in practice to how I thought it would in theory.” Learn to talk through difficult feelings as they come up and give yourself and your partners permission to say “I don’t actually know how I will feel about this.”

Most importantly, never ever berate yourself or a partner for having experience shock.

10. Rules and restrictions are almost always a bad way to deal with difficulties

When there’s a challenge in your relationship – particularly a spousal or nesting relationship – or one of you is feeling something difficult, is your impulse to bring in rules and restrictions on outside relationships in an attempt to solve the problem or eliminate the feeling?

I understand the temptation, but this is almost always the wrong approach for several reasons. First, your or your partner’s outside relationships are just as important as the one between the two of you. Those other partners are people with feelings and should not be collateral damage in your relationship issues.

Secondly, if your partner doesn’t want to consider your needs and treat you well, the rules won’t actually compel them to (and if they do want to, the rules are unnecessary.)

Finally, restrictive rules do not build trust and security. If anything, they stifle its growth by strategising around problems instead of actually addressing them.

11. No matter how many partners you have, you will still feel lonely sometimes

Of all the things I’ve learned about polyamory, this one might be the hardest to swallow. Loneliness is a reality of life no matter what relationship structure you practice. Some people think they can avoid loneliness through non-monogamy. After all, if I have enough partners I never have to be alone… right?

Yeah, sorry, it doesn’t work like that. Even if you have ten partners, there will be days when they’re all busy or on other dates or working or sick or otherwise not available to you. And sometimes you’ll feel lonely even if you’re surrounded by people, because that’s just how humans work.

Learning to be comfortable in your own company is a vital skill not just for polyamory, but for relationships in general. Feeling okay alone allows you to approach relationships from a place of curiosity and possibility, not one of desperation, and helps to prevent you from staying too long in relationships that are not working for you.

12. You can probably handle one fewer partners than you think you can when you’re starting out

How many serious relationships do you think you can manage, nurture, and sustain at one time? If you’re new to polyamory or have not yet tested this theory, substract one from the number you just said. That’s more likely to be your actual number.

Polysaturation is real, and oversaturation can be tremendously damaging, both for the person experiencing it and for their partners. To avoid becoming oversaturated, start one relationship at a time and give that relationship plenty of time to grow, mature, and settle into the form it wants to take before you start any others.

I have met very few polyamorous people who can successfully handle more than three serious relationships. Those people exist, but they are the exception.

13. NRE is fun, but long-term love is where the really good stuff is

New relationship energy (NRE), also known as the honeymoon period, is that giddy love-drunk feeling at the start of a new relationship where you can’t get enough of the other person. Polyamory allows you to experience NRE multiple times throughout your life without needing to lose any existing relationships.

NRE is a lot of fun. It’s also finite, kinda exhausting after a while, and can cause its own problems. Long-term love, though? That’s where the real magic is for me. When you’ve overcome challenges, had each other’s backs, and seen each other at your worst and you’re still totally in love. For me, the security and comfort and safety that comes with this kind of love – and the ability to have that with multiple people – is one of the greatest joys of polyamory.

14. Most metamour problems are actually hinge problems

Not getting along with your metamour – your partner’s partner – is a real concern for many polyamorous people. However, I’ve realised over the years that most problems with metamours are actually problems with the hinge partner (that is, the person in the middle.)

If your metamour’s behaviour is damaging your relationship with your shared partner, they have a responsibility to manage the situation. They should be setting boundaries, advocating for their relationship with you, or keeping the relationships parallel. They should not be playing you and your metamour off against each other or sacrificing your relationship to placate another person.

If you think you have a metamour problem, you probably have a hinge problem. This isn’t universally true, of course, but it is true the vast majority of the time.

15. There are no experts

Whenever I’m writing, speaking, being quoted, or teaching a class about polyamory, I am always very firm that I am not under any circumstances to be referred to as a “polyamory expert.” This is because I don’t believe there are any experts. We’re all just imperfect humans working this thing out as we go along (see #1 on this list!) Some of us are sharing the wisdom we’ve gathered, but none of us actually have it entirely figured out.

Not to mention, in the last few years we’ve seen what happens when certain voices are elevated and exalted too much and for too long in this community.

So there you have it. Fifteen things I’ve learned from fifteen years in polyamory. Whether you’ve been doing this for five minutes or for so long it puts my mere decade and a half to shame, I’d love to know the most important lessons you’ve learned about non-monogamy on your journey!