Tag: conflict

A white woman with blonde hair sits on a bed with her head in her hands looking despairing. Behind her, a white man lies in bed with his arms behind his head. Header image for a post on polyamory as a solution for sexual incompatibility in a relationship

Sexual Incompatibility in a Relationship: Is Polyamory the Answer? [Polyamory Conversation Cards #20]

Published on by Amy

Sexual incompatibility in a relationship or marriage can take many forms. Perhaps you have a much higher or lower libido than your partner. Maybe you’re kinky and they’re not, you’re asexual and they’re not, or you’re in a mixed-orientation relationship. Perhaps your kinks, fetishes, or sexual interests don’t overlap. One of you might be unable or unwilling to have sex for reasons relating to physical or mental health, trauma, ageing, or disability, while the other still desires sex.

Sexual incompatibility can be a tricky thing to navigate, and an even harder thing to overcome. It’s also one of the reasons that formerly-monogamous couples might consider opening up a relationship to polyamory, swinging, or another form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM.)

But is polyamory actually a solution for sexual incompatibility in a marriage or long-term relationship? That’s a difficult question.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“What sexual activities would you prefer your partner(s) to explore with someone else than you?”

Sexual variety is definitely one of the reasons I’m polyamorous, though it’s far from the only (or main) reason. I enjoy getting to have sexual adventures with different people, and getting to connect with people naturally in the way that feels right for us, whether that connection involves a sexual component or not. I have a lot of sexual desires, kinks, and interests, and polyamory allows me to meet those needs and wants with different people.

Another reason I love being polyamorous, though? It also allows my partners to get certain needs met outside our relationship.

Let’s take it out of the sexual realm for a second to illustrate what I mean. I realise I might lose my Polyamorist Card for this admission but… I don’t play Dungeons & Dragons and I’m not that into board games. My nesting partner, though, loves those things. If we were monogamous I might feel bad that I couldn’t share those interests with him, or be tempted to force myself into taking part in activities I don’t enjoy. As it is, though, he can enjoy those things with his girlfriend and everyone is happy.

Sex is much the same way. Realistically, it’s very unlikely that desires, kinks, and needs will overlap 100% in any sexual relationship. Being polyamorous takes that pressure off, allowing each relationship to find its own sexual groove. When I know that my partners can also meet their sexual needs in other relationships, I don’t feel guilty or inadequate because of the things I can’t provide for them.

But does that mean polyamory is the answer to sexual incompatibility in a marriage or long-term relationship that was formerly monogamous? Not necessarily.

Will Meeting Your Sexual Needs Elsewhere Actually Help If There’s Sexual Incompatibility in Your Relationship?

After everything I’ve just said about polyamory being a wonderful way to explore different sexual needs with different people, I have to add on this enormous caveat: for me and for many people, sexual desire for a person isn’t transferrable.

What do I mean by that?

If I want to experience a particular act, I can probably meet that need with any partner with whom I have a sufficiently healthy and trusting relationship. But if what I’m craving is sex with Partner A, then sex with Partner B will probably be very nice but won’t actually address that desire.

Of course, no-one ever owes you sex. If what you actually desire is sex with your partner specifically, and they’re unwilling or unable to meet that desire, polyamory or non-monogamy is unlikely to help. Better options might be to explore together to find other ways to connect intimately, to adjust your expectations for the relationship and make peace with the situation (perhaps meeting your sexual needs through solo sex and fantasy), or to end the relationship.

It’s also okay if sexual intimacy is a core component of any romantic relationship for you. And if it is, a relationship that is sexually incompatible on a long-term basis is probably a relationship you won’t be able to be happy in, even if you also have other sexual relationships. (As fabulous sex blogger Kate Sloan wrote, “it’s okay to break up because of sex!“)

Would You Want to be Non-Monogamous if it Weren’t for This Incompatibility?

If the answer to this question is no, then you probably don’t actually want to be non-monogamous. Polyamory and non-monogamy are things you should pursue because you desire them for their own sake, because they align with your values, and because they represent how you want to live your life. They’re not a bandage for things that are missing in your existing relationship.

Opening up a relationship because of problems or deficiencies within it is almost always a bad idea. The experienced polyamorists amongst us have seen this approach, and seen it go wrong, so many times that we have a name for it: “relationship broken; add more people.”

Is the Problem Actually Sex, or Something Else?

Sexual incompatibility can certainly be a relationship issue in itself. However, it can also be a symptom of other problems. So before you leap into opening up, why not sit down with your partner and have a conversation about what your sexual incompatibility means and what it is telling you?

Sexual incompatibility that has been there since the beginning, or that is due to a fundamental aspect of identity such as asexuality, is unlikely to change. However, sexual incompatibility that has emerged over the course of your relationship can be a symptom of all kinds of things.

Physical health issues, mental health struggles such as depression, pain during sex, hormonal changes, stress, trauma, broken trust in the relationship, resentments over other conflicts or relationship problems, or one partner coming into a new understanding of their sexual orientation or gender identity are just some of the things that can be at the root of sexual incompatibility in a marriage or long-term relationship.

Many of these issues can be worked through with mutual willingness, shared effort, plenty of love and kindness, and possibly an appropriately qualified therapist (for example, many couples find that psychosexual therapy is tremendously helpful.) Others likely spell the end of the road for your relationship, signalling that it’s time to peacefully part ways. Only you two know which is true for you.

So When Can Polyamory or Non-Monogamy Be a Solution to Sexual Incompatibility in a Relationship?

Sexual incompatibility, like so many aspects of marriage or long-term relationships, is complex. If you’re sexually incompatible but want to stay together, there is unlikely to be one quick or easy fix. It will require lots of time and effort on both sides.

With all of that said, polyamory or non-monogamy can sometimes be one possible way to navigate maintaining a happy, healthy relationship when you’re sexually incompatible.

It could be a good option for you if…
  • You would both still like the idea of polyamory or non-monogamy as a relationship structure, relationship orientation, or lovestyle even if you had great sexual compatibility with each other.
  • You’ve talked about what opening up would mean for your relationship – the challenges, changes, pitfalls, and fears as well as the opportunities.
  • You’re able to have open and vulnerable conversations about your relationships, sex, and your feelings.
  • You’ve done your research – read the books, listened to the podcasts, gone to the meet-ups, made polyamorous friends, and learned the theory.
  • You’ve worked on decoupling/disentangling, learning to view yourselves as two autonomous individuals in a relationship rather than a single unit.
  • You’re willing to sit with uncomfortable feelings, communicate, and maintain personal boundaries rather than relying on rules and restrictions to keep you safe.
  • You are ready to treat incoming partners well, work to eliminate or minimise hierarchy, and actively dismantle couples’ privilege.

In general, opening up a relationship to polyamory or non-monogamy should feel like the next exciting step on an adventure you’re taking, both together and as individuals. It should not feel like an ultimatum, a proverbial gun to the head, or the only way to bring a dying relationship back from the brink.

And sure, sometimes sexual incompatibility can be the catalyst for transitioning from monogamy to non-monogamy. But it’s rarely the only catalyst, and it’s certainly not a quick fix or an easy solution.

If you find my work helpful, I’d love it if you shared it on Bluesky. You can also buy me a coffee to say thanks!

Picture of a clock, header for a post on polyamory time management tips

8 Polyamory Time Management Tips Beyond Google Calendar [Polyamory Conversation Cards #10]

Published on by Amy

Love is infinite, so the cliché goes. Love is infinite but time and energy are not, so the polyamorous version of the cliché goes. In polyamory, time management and scheduling are amongst the biggest sources of conflict that can damage relationships and polycules.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“What is your preferred way of scheduling dates/time with your partner(s)?”

Luckily, scheduling and polyamory time management challenges are much easier to mitigate and overcome than (for example) jealousy, metamours who don’t get along, or major disagreements about money. With some forward planning and some simple strategies, you can limit polyamory scheduling conflicts and make your time management relatively painless.

Here are eight of my tips for how to do it.

The First Step in Time Management for Polyamory: Get a Shareable Calendar

Okay, I know I said that this post was going to be about polyamory time management tips “beyond Google Calendar”, but we really do need to start with this. Polyamorous people and Google Calendar is one of those things that’s a stereotype because it’s sort of true. Most of us have busy lives, and more romantic relationships means more people’s needs and schedules to juggle. It can get overwhelming fast.

You absolutely need some sort of calendar that you can share with the relevant people (which probably includes your partners but may also include your metamours, children, other family members, close friends, or work colleagues, depending on your circumstances.)

If you and your partners all live together and are the old-fashioned sorts, this could be a literal physical calendar or a whiteboard on the fridge. Most of us, though, will need a digital solution. Google Calendar is probably still the most popular, but there are dozens if not hundreds of calendar-sharing and family scheduling apps. Try some out and find which ones work for you and your polycule.

You don’t need to share your calendar with everyone in your polycule unless you want to, but many polyamorous people find it useful to do so. At the very least, having your calendar on an app on your phone means you can pull it out and see your schedule at a glance whenever you’re trying to make plans with one of your sweeties.

If you and any of your partners have shared responsibilities such as caring for children, pets, and other dependants, you might want to consider a separate calendar just to coordinate how those responsibilities will be managed and divided up.

Aim for Equity, Not Equality in Polyamory Time Management

Equality is giving everyone the same things. Equity is ensuring everyone has what they need to thrive, which will be different for everyone. Keep this difference in mind when you’re scheduling time with your partners. Not every partner will want the same amount of time with you, and not every relationship will need the same amount of time to thrive.

A casual or primarily sexual comet relationship, for example, may operate best with one date night every few months when you happen to be in the same place. A committed and intense romantic relationship, on the other hand, may need much more time together in order to remain happy and healthy.

Talk to your partners about their time wants and needs in your relationship, and share your own. Be honest about what you want and what you can offer. And remember that each relationship will look different, and this is fine and normal.

If you and a partner are in wildly different places (they want to see you once a month but you want to sleep over three times a week, for example,) you may find that you’re not compatible as partners or need to renegotiate some aspects of your relationship. This isn’t a failure. It’s important information that can help you to communicate more honestly and build healthier, happier relationships.

Balance Routine with Space for Spontaneity

I remember once hearing a polyamorous person joke that the maximum number of partners any one individual should have is 27 (“because even in the shortest month of the year, you’ve still got one day to yourself!”)

This was obviously said for comic effect, but I think it speaks to a very real tendency some polyamorous people have: we overcommit to plans, overschedule ourselves, and end up with a diary that’s so packed there is no space for self-care, rest, or spontaneity. Balancing scheduled plans with space is a vital polyamory time management skill.

For some polyamorous people, having an established routine with their partner(s) is one of the ways they feel loved and secure. For example, maybe every Thursday night is your standing date night. This doesn’t work for everyone (it doesn’t work for me; my schedule is too inherently unpredictable and changeable due to several factors) but it works beautifully for others. You might find it works well in one of your relationships and not in another, and that’s fine.

Whether you like to have standing dates or not, you likely have at least some routines you stick to. Work, childcare, and hobbies are just some things that can dictate people’s schedules. Make sure that you don’t schedule your time so tightly that you’re left with no downtime, though. It’s important to have time to yourself, time to do nothing in particular, and the opportunity to make or say “yes” to spontaneous plans if you want to.

Make Scheduling Chats a Part of Your Relationship

When I was with one of my exes, we’d have a 10-15 minute “scheduling chat” every so often (in practice, it tended to be every 3-4 weeks) where we’d look ahead a few weeks and put time in the diary to see each other and generally talk about what plans we had coming up. This worked well and I recommend it.

Scheduling and time management in polyamory doesn’t need to be onerous, stressful, or tremendously time-consuming. Just make a habit of sitting down with your calendars and mapping out your plans every so often. This might be as often as every week in the case of some nesting couples—particularly if you have children—or as infrequently as every few months if you’re comet or long-distance partners. If you have a very intertwined polycule or polyamorous family, you might want to do this all together.

Do Things All Together If You Can (But Don’t Mistake Group Time for Date Time)

If you practice kitchen table polyamory or another structure where metamours get along and enjoy spending time together, then doing things all together (or in smaller breakout groups from the entire polycule) can not only be fun, but allow everyone to get more time overall with their partners.

However, do not make the classic newbie polyamory time management error of turning every date into a group hang. Relationships all require one-on-one time to thrive. If you keep inviting all your partners over at the same time, you might be surprised to hear them all saying “when do I get to spend quality time with you?” after a while.

Group time and date time can both be valuable, but they are not the same thing and they are not interchangeable. And by the way, this applies even if you’re in a group romantic relationship such as a triad or quad.

Don’t Mistake Incidental Time for Quality Time

Ironically, many polyamory time management conflicts arise not in long-distance or comet relationships but in marriages and nesting partnerships. If you live with your partner, chances are you spend a lot of incidental time together—passing in the kitchen when you go to make a cup of coffee, doing household chores together, or sitting in the living room together in the evening while you both scroll on your phones or read your books.

None of this is the same as quality time. Mistaking it as such can easily lead to your nesting partner feeling ignored, abandoned, and resentful, especially if you are spending all sorts of quality date time with your other partners.

This incidental time can be great for a relationship. However, it’s important to build in quality time, too. Don’t forget to make date nights with your nesting partner or spouse and to set aside time to focus exclusively on being with each other and enjoying one another’s company.

Get Comfortable with the Fact That There Will Be Time Management Mistakes and Scheduling Conflicts in Polyamory

Even in the monogamous world, there are going to be scheduling conflicts sometimes. For example, what happens when your partner has an important work event and wants you to be their +1 on the same night as your sister is having her birthday party? Scheduling conflicts are a fact of life and polyamory is no different.

Don’t make it a goal to avoid all polyamory scheduling conflicts. This is probably impossible. Instead, do what you can to minimise them (see the preceding tips!) and be prepared to roll with them when they do arise. Assuming good faith, giving each other grace when scheduling mistakes happen, and being prepared to get creative with solutions will all help you to navigate scheduling conflicts with minimal stress, pain, and drama.

Which brings me to the final tip…

Be Flexible

Flexibility is perhaps one of the most important and most underrated attributes that successful polyamorous people display. When there are multiple people in your romantic network, things are sometimes going to change. There are going to be emergencies, crises, and unforeseen circumstances popping up at least occasionally.

Time management flexibility allows you to roll with these changes and still feel safe, secure, and happy in your polyamory.

Flexibility is not the same thing as being a doormat or always putting others first, by the way. You should be able to safely assume that when people make plans with you, they will keep them absent an emergency. When you give flexibility, you should expect to receive it in return, too. So if you’re happy to move your regular date night so your partner can attend your metamour’s birthday celebration, you should be able to expect that the same courtesy would be given to you if a similar conflict arose.

What are your favourite polyamory time-management hacks? Share them in the comments!

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How and When to Renegotiate Relationship Agreements in Polyamory [Polyamory Conversation Cards #6]

Published on by Amy

Few issues are as divisive in the polyamory community as the terms that govern our relationships. Whether we’re arguing about the difference between boundaries, rules and relationship agreements or debating the finer points of whether any specific rule/agreement is ethical, poly people are nerdy about this shit. Today we’re going to talk about one important aspect of polyamorous relationship agreements: when to renegotiate them.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.

This week’s card asks:

“How would you like to approach communication about any changes to existing agreements?”

Before we start, let’s get clear on what we mean by “agreements” in polyamorous relationships and how they differ from rules and boundaries.

Boundaries

Boundaries are about yourself. They govern the things you own: your body, mind, emotions, time, space, physical possessions, and so on. They are statements of what you will and won’t allow and how you will protect yourself if they are breached. Crucially, they are not rules in disguise or a tool of control. To give you an idea how this can look, two of my boundaries are “I will not remain in relationship with someone who lies to me” and “I never want to have children so I will take all reasonable steps to avoid pregnancy and I will have an abortion if I accidentally get pregnant.”

Rules

Rules are things that you impose on other people. They are generally frowned upon in adult relationships, and by the polyamorous community in particular. The implication is that the person or people bound by the rule would otherwise want to do the forbidden thing, or not do the thing that the rule compels them to do. Examples of rules might include “you must be home by 10pm every night” or “I forbid you to take your other partner to that restaurant I like.”

Agreements

Agreements are made by, and followed by, both or all members of a relationship. They are usually designed to help maintain security, stability, structure, or the overall happiness and wellbeing of everyone involved. Examples of agreements in a poly relationship might include “we won’t bring any new partners around our children until we’re reasonably sure the relationship is here to stay” or “we’ll notify each other promptly about any changes to our sexual health risk profile.”

It is polyamorous relationship agreements that we’re talking about today. Specifically, when you should renegotiate them and how to do so successfully.

Five Signs It’s Time to Renegotiate Your Polyamorous Relationship Agreements

First, let’s talk about renegotiating agreements in your polyamorous relationship(s.) This isn’t something to be afraid of! It’s actually a really normal and healthy part of being in a long-term relationship. Because people and relationships aren’t fixed and static, it’s natural that you will need to renegotiate your agreements at various points during the lifespan of a relationship.

Here are five signs that indicate it’s time to come back to the table and renegotiate one (or more) of your relationship agreements.

You’re in Danger of Breaking An Agreement

In either a poly or monogamous relationship, it’s always less destructive to attempt to renegotiate an agreement than to break one. A broken agreement can cause a massive breach of trust, which can take a long time to repair or—depending on its nature and severity—sometimes not be repairable at all.

I’m not (necessarily) talking about a fleeting thought here. But if you repeatedly find yourself butting up against an agreement and wanting to break it, then that agreement isn’t working for you any more. It’s time to come to the table and let your partner(s) know you need to renegotiate.

You’ve Realised An Agreement is a Rule in Disguise

By definition, an agreement must be agreed to by both or all of the people it impacts. If an agreement is benefiting only one or some parties, and others are going along with it grudgingly (to keep the peace, perhaps, or because they feel they have no choice) then there’s a high likelihood it’s actually a rule in disguise.

An agreement should not, generally, feel overly limiting or constrictive. It certainly should not seek to curtail relationships you’re not in, or to control the behaviour of people who had no hand in making it.

The Agreement is Harmful to You or Someone Else

Because people, relationships, and contexts can change, agreements that once worked well (or seemed to work well) for you might now be problematic or even harmful. Some are inherently harmful from the outset, though it may take you time to realise this. If an agreement you’ve made is harming you or someone else in some way, it’s time to renegotiate it. (The same is true, by the way, if there is clear and probable potential for harm even if it hasn’t actually happened yet.)

Here’s a common example: open phone policies. Perhaps you and your spouse or long-term partner agreed you could look through each other’s phones at any time. On the surface, this seems like a good way to build trust and security, particularly in a newly-open relationship. However, it actually feeds into a sense of mistrust in your relationship. It also violates the privacy and potentially even the consent of other partners and other people you’re communicating with.

You’re Feeling Resentful of Your Partner or The Agreement

When a polyamorous relationship agreement isn’t working for you any longer, but you haven’t raised the issue and renegotiated it, you might find yourself feeling resentment towards the agreement itself or towards the partner(s) you made it with.

Ideally, you’d renegotiate an agreement that is no longer working long before you reach the point where resentment sets in. However, if you’ve found yourself in this spot, it’s time to raise the issue and start the renegotiation process immediately. This can usually head off growing resentment and the more significant problems it causes in the long run.

The Agreement Served a Time-Limited Purpose and is No Longer Necessary

In general, I don’t think it’s a great idea to use restrictive agreements (or rules) as training wheels in a newly-open relationship. However, there are instances where certain agreements can serve a purpose for a limited amount of time but ultimately become unnecessary.

All agreements should serve a purpose. These purposes might include helping someone(s) feel secure and loved, ensuring that other responsibilities (such as household chores and childcare) are handled fairly, managing shared resources equitably, maintaining sexual health within your polycule… or something else entirely. If an agreement either no longer serves its intended purpose in your poly relationship, or that purpose becomes irrelevant for some other reason, it’s probably time to revisit the agreement and see if there’s any reason to keep it.

How to Renegotiate Polyamorous Relationship Agreements

So you’ve realised you need to renegotiate a relationship agreement. How can you actually do so effectively?

First, what not to do: don’t simply announce to your partner(s) that you will no longer be following the agreement in question. Please don’t do that! Got that? Okay, here’s what to do instead.

Raise It as Soon as It’s a Problem (But at an Appropriate Time)

You know what happens when you don’t address small problems or concerns? They turn into big problems. As soon as you start feeling that there’s a problem with one of your polyamorous relationship agreements, address it ASAP.

Be mindful of the time and place for this conversation, though. Choose a moment when you’re both feeling calm and will have time to talk, free from distractions. If you do regular relationship check-ins, this is a great time to talk about your poly relationship agreements. If not, you can always give your partner a heads-up about the conversation you’d like to have and set aside some time for it (tell them what it’s about, both so they have time to gather their own thoughts on the subject and so that you’re not stressing them out with a contextless “we need to talk.”)

Make Sure That Everyone Impacted By Your Polyamorous Relationship Agreements Gets a Voice

One of the most insidious problems that emerges when hierarchical polyamory and/or couples privilege are in play is that people end up being impacted by agreements that they had no hand in creating.

If you are considering making an agreement with one partner that may negatively impact another relationship, it’s hugely unfair to expect that other partner or metamour to just go along with it. Instead, speak to them and bring them into the negotiation process. They have a right not to have their relationship with you or your partner curtailed or harmed because of something that’s going on between the two of you.

Better yet, if this is possible and appropriate for you, sit down as a group or polycule and hash things out all together with equal weight given to everyone’s needs, feelings, and opinions.

Allow Plenty of Time for the Process

Sometimes, renegotiating agreements in your polyamorous relationships is incredibly simple. I’ve had agreement renegotiations that literally went “this agreement isn’t working for me”, “yeah me neither, shall we nix it?” “sure.” However, this is usually the exception rather than the rule. If you’re dealing with significant and emotive subjects, in particular, allow plenty of time for this renegotiation process.

Be ready to have a lengthy conversation, or even several. Be ready for everyone to need time to process, think things through, and come up with ideas for how to proceed. There’s a balance to be struck here, of course, and if you’ve been talking around the issue for six hours and got nowhere it might be time to park the subject and come back to it another day. But in general, do not expect major renegotiation of relationship agreements to take five minutes.

Keep Your Polyamorous Relationship Agreements Simple

Relationship agreements, poly or monogamous, should not resemble sprawling legal contracts full of clauses and exceptions, cross-referencing and footnotes. If you feel the need for this type of document in your relationship, something else might have gone wrong. Perhaps you’re dealing with unresolved trust issues, communication problems, or lingering mononormative beliefs.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t put your agreements in writing. You can, if you like! I’ve not felt the need to do this for a long time personally, but it has been helpful to me at other times in my life and I know plenty of people who find it useful.

Most agreements should be simple enough that you can distill them down to a sentence, or two at most (for example: “we’ll let each other know in advance about planned dates or hookups with new people” or “if I’m going to be out much later than originally planned, I’ll send you a text to let you know so you don’t worry.”)

Be Flexible, Creative, and Open to Input

As we’ve established, agreements should ultimately serve a purpose in a polyamorous relationship. So when you’re negotiating or renegotiating one, ask yourselves what purpose you want it to serve. Once you understand the underlying need or reason for an agreement, you can begin getting creative in how you craft it.

There are often more ways to achieve the same outcome than you might initially think. You might know exactly what you want your revamped poly relationship agreement to say, but your partner or metamour might have an even better alternative idea you’ve never thought of.

Stay flexible, stay curious, and don’t forget that your ultimate goal is the health, happiness, and wellbeing of everyone in your relationship or network.

Red ceramic heart broken into pieces. Header for a post about cheating in polyamory

Broken Agreements, Breaches of Trust, and Cheating in Polyamory: What Now? [Polyamory Conversation Cards #2]

Published on by Amy

“What is cheating in polyamory?”

“My partner did this thing that really upset me. Did they cheat?”

“Is it cheating if I…?”

I see variations of these questions multiple times a week in polyamory groups, forums, and other discussion spaces. Cheating in polyamory is a complicated subject, and a divisive one. Often, when the subject of what constitutes “cheating” in polyamory comes up, something has happened that breaches a relationship agreement (or, sometimes, an unspoken assumption) or leads to someone feeling that their trust in their partner has been broken.

In case you missed it, this post is part of a series I’m doing inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. Once a week or as often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag.

This week’s card asks:

“If your partner cheats on you or breaks an agreement, how can they best communicate this and what do you need to restore any damaged trust?”

Ahh, cheating in polyamory and broken relationship agreements. I have a LOT to say about this one, so let’s dive straight in.

Does Cheating in Polyamory Even Exist?

Some people think it’s impossible to cheat in an open relationship. After all, in monogamy-land, “cheating” is typically defined as “doing romantic or sexual things with someone who is not your partner.” But an open or polyamorous relationship explicitly allows for those things, so how is it possible to cheat?

This belief comes from another, to which I also do not subscribe: that polyamory or consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is a no-holds-barred free-for-all. In fact, all the successful polyamorous relationships I know are carefully negotiated and based upon mutual respect and well-crafted relationship agreements that serve everyone’s best interests.

So yes, cheating in polyamory is a real thing. If you go behind your partner’s back, don’t notify them about something they’d reasonably expect to be told about (such as a new partner or a change in sexual health practices), you might be doing something that could be defined as cheating.

However, when a breach of trust or a broken agreement has happened, I also believe that “is this cheating?” is almost always the wrong question.

Why I Think “Is It Cheating?” is the Wrong Question in Both Polyamory and Monogamy

“Cheating” is such a loaded term in our society and relationship landscape, both in polyamory and monogamy. It comes with so many assumptions and beliefs, many of them neither helpful nor true. Consider, for example, the maxim “once a cheater, always a cheater.” This is demonstrably false. Making a bad choice once, or even many times, does not doom a person to continue to make it for the rest of their lives! Many people have cheated on a partner, then decided not to repeat that behaviour in that relationship or others.

Cheating is destructive and cruel, and it is something that I take a pretty hard line on in my relationships. I won’t stay with a partner who cheats on me and I won’t get or stay involved with someone who is actively cheating on another partner. However, I also have a fairly narrow and specific personal definition of cheating. I would only consider one of my partners to have cheated on me if they deliberately and willingly broke a relationship agreement we made and lied to me about it.

Also, and this is important: you’re allowed to be upset about something even if it doesn’t meet anyone’s reasonable definition of cheating in polyamory! To use a totally hypothetical example, let’s say a partner of mine skips my birthday party to go hook up with a new person. No-one would reasonably call that “cheating”, but it’s still unkind, inconsiderate and unloving behaviour about which I am legitimately within my rights to be pissed off.

So, if one of your partners does something that hurts you or violates an agreement, don’t leap straight to “did they cheat?” Instead, ask yourself how their actions make you feel. Perhaps you’re hurt. Angry. Betrayed. Scared. A mix of these emotions, or something else entirely. Allow yourself to feel those feelings, then consider what to do next (which we’ll get into below.)

Are Breaches of Agreements or Cheating Inevitable in Polyamory?

Another refrain I hear a lot in polyamorous spaces is, “the problem with rules is that they always get broken.” I don’t necessarily agree with this, though. In my early days in polyamory, my relationships had a lot of rules attached to them. I no longer think this was a particularly good or healthy approach, and now practice non-hierarchical polyamory that prioritises mutual agreements, personal boundaries, and care and consideration for everyone involved over rules.

So no, I don’t think cheating or violating agreements in polyamory is inevitable.

However, what I did not do is break any of those rules when they were in place. To do so would have been dishonest, unkind, and relationship-damaging. So no, I do not necessarily believe that any rule you put in place will get broken, and I certainly don’t think that mutually-made relationship agreements will.

What is pretty much inevitable, though, is the occasional miscommunication or mistake. We’re all imperfect humans and we will sometimes misunderstand our partners, genuinely forget to communicate something important, or realise that we were interpreting the terms of an agreement differently to the other person or people involved.

The bad news is that, when these things happen, they suck. For everyone. The good news is that they’re often entirely recoverable.

Someone Cheated, Broke an Agreement, or Breached Your Trust. What Now?

Sometimes, someone will make a bad choice or one that causes hurt to their partner(s). It would be wonderful if this never happened, but we’re all humans and we live in the real world. The chances of it happening to any of us at some point are fairly high.

I’m approaching this section from the perspective of talking to the person whose trust was broken. However, if you’re the one who did the agreement-breaking, there should be plenty in here for you too.

So, your partner cheated, broke an agreement, or otherwise did something to violate your trust in your polyamorous relationship. What the hell do you do now?

Get the Facts and Assume Good Faith

When your feelings are hurt and you’re feeling scared, betrayed, or angry, it’s very easy to assume the worst of everyone involved. You might feel as though they don’t care about you at all, or even that causing you pain was their intention. However, this is often not the case.

Sure, some people are malicious actors who operate with absolutely no regard for their partners’ feelings or even set out to hurt their partners intentionally. The vast majority of people, though, are not like that. Many breaches of trust happen due to thoughtlessness rather than malice. Misunderstandings, forgetfulness, mental health issues, and intoxication are just some of the other non-malicious causes (or contributing factors) that can be behind hurtful choices. They’re not excuses, of course, but understanding that your partner did not harm you intentionally can be helpful in the immediate aftermath of a broken agreement.

Until you know all the facts, try to assume good faith on the part of your parter(s) and anyone else involved. It is far easier to recover from someone doing something stupid but thoughtless than it is to recover from someone intentionally and knowingly choosing to betray you.

The other important thing to do here is watch for patterns. If this is the first time your partner has done something like this and they seem genuinely remorseful, your reaction will likely be (and probably should be) different than if this is the fifth time they’ve done the same thing with the same excuse.

Decide Whether Repair is Possible

You might be someone who considers a broken agreement to be an instant, relationship ending dealbreaker. And you get to make that choice! However, for most of us, this is likely to be contextual. There are different levels and severities of cheating and broken agreements in polyamory.

Choosing to break a safer sex agreement (e.g. not using a condom with a casual hook-up, if that’s what you’ve agreed) in the heat of the moment and then disclosing it to your partner straight away isn’t good, but it’s a world away from repeatedly and deliberately having unprotected sex for months without telling your existing partner(s.) The former is far more likely to be repairable than the latter. Misunderstanding the terms of an agreement in good faith is quantifiably different from understanding the spirit of an agreeement but rules-lawyering your way into violating it anyway.

If your partner has broken an agreement, cheated on you, or otherwise damaged your trust, only you can decide if repair is possible. In other words, are you going to stay and do the work with your partner to fix things, or are you going to leave the relationship?

Either choice is valid, of course. However, I’m personally big on forgiveness and not a fan of throwing relationships away over mistakes. A breach would have to be both huge and clearly deliberate for me to walk away from a relationship over it at this stage.

Feel and Express Your Feelings

We touched on this above. Experiencing cheating or broken polyamory agreements hurts. It can be tempting to skip this step, because the feelings these kinds of incidents bring up can be painful and even traumatic. However, it’s essential that you allow yourself to feel and express your emotions. Repressing them doesn’t do anyone any good.

Note that expressing your emotions does not mean completely flying off the handle. However, it’s fair to be in a heightened emotional state and—as long as you’re not doing anything abusive such as screaming at your partner, using verbal abuse, showing physical aggression or violence, or threatening harm to them or yourself—you shouldn’t necessarily feel an obligation to tone this down. It’s okay to cry, to express anger, and to show how hurt you are.

Where possible, try to use “I” statements and to be as specific as possible. For example, “when I found out you’d had sex without a condom, I felt disregarded and uncared for” is better than “you obviously just don’t give a fuck about me.” If you need to take a little time and space before you can express your feelings in a healthy way, that’s fine too.

What Do You Need From Your Partner?

Assuming your partner made a genuine mistake, they are likely feeling remorseful for their actions. They probably regret hurting you and want to make amends. Take the time to think about what you need from them for repair to happen. Cheating and broken agreements aren’t necessarily insurmountable in either polyamory or monogamy.

This can look a bunch of different ways. I’ve had situations where all I needed was an explanation of what happened and why followed by a genuine apology, then we could forget the whole thing and move on. Other situations have required more intensive repair efforts.

Some of the things you might ask for include:

  • An apology
  • To talk through exactly what happened and why
  • A commitment that your partner won’t repeat the behaviour and for them to outline the steps they will take to ensure it doesn’t happen again
  • Some quality time with your partner to re-establish your connection
  • Some space from your partner. (Ensure that this doesn’t lead to you stonewalling them or giving them the silent treatment as a punishment. Time-limit it and let them know when you will return. For example, “I’m going to take until tomorrow to process this and care for myself, I’ll call you after work.”)
  • For the two of you to see a relationship counsellor or therapist together

…or something else that I haven’t thought of! Your partner doesn’t have to give you what you ask for, of course. This is about requests, not demands. But how they respond to your reasonable requests for reconnection, amends, or trust-rebuilding will probably tell you a lot about how they feel about having hurt you and how committed they are to repairing and strengthening your bond.

Resist the Urge to Punish Your Partner for Cheating or Breaking a Polyamory Agreement

This part can be difficult for some people, but it’s essential. If your partner has cheated, violated an agreement, or breached your trust, you might feel a lot of anger. That’s understandable! What you must do, though, is resist the urge to punish them or retaliate from a place of anger.

I’ve seen this look various ways. In cases of agreement breaches or cheating in polyamory, two of the most common are “you have to be monogamous to me but I can still be open, because you broke the rules” and “I’m vetoing the person you made a mistake with, so you have to break up with them.” The other common version in all relationship structures, of course, is “you cheated on me so now I get to cheat on you and you can’t say anything about it.”

Assuming you’ve decided to remain in the relationship, the goal must be to repair, reconnect, and come back together having learned from whatever happened. Depending on the severity, this may not be easy and it may take some time to rebuild trust. However, punishing your partner or retaliating will actually lead you further away from a positive resolution. It may also irrevocably poison your relationship in the long run.

Give It Time

Trust is often fragile, particularly for people with trauma histories. It can take a long time to repair when someone breaks it. So don’t expect overnight repair, no matter how remorseful the person who broke an agreement is or how sincerely they commit to ensuring it never happens again.

The best apology, as the saying goes, is changed behaviour. So see how your partner behaves in the aftermath of the trust breach. Do they make sincere efforts to display trustworthiness and make you feel loved and valued? Do they take steps to make sure they don’t repeat the mistake? If so, you’re good.

Broken agreements, trust violations, and cheating in polyamory are incredibly painful and can cause massive ruptures in relationships and polycules. But they don’t necessarily have to mean the end of everything.

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Header for post on how to set boundaries in relationships

How to Set Boundaries Firmly But Lovingly

Published on by Amy1 Comment

The older and more experienced I get, the more I learn that all healthy and loving relationships—romantic, platonic, familial, and even professional—must have good boundaries. But what are boundaries, why are boundaries important, what does setting and holding boundaries in a loving way look like?

This post focuses on romantic and sexual relationships, since that’s my main area of expertise and the theme of this blog. However, many of these tips for setting boundaries can apply to any type of relationship.

What Are Boundaries?

Love is Respect (a fantastic resource on healthy relationships aimed at young people) has this to say:

Boundaries are really about your relationship with yourself; they help you honor your needs, goals, feelings and values. Boundaries can be emotional, physical or even digital.

Love is Respect

In other words, boundaries are about the things that are yours and over which you have ultimate say. Access to your body, your time, your home, your property, emotional or physical intimacy with you, and even your digital spaces are all areas where boundaries are essential.

Boundaries are not weapons, rules under another name, or things you should wield to punish someone else. They are ultimately about what you will you and how you will respond to certain situations. “I won’t stay in a relationship with someone who is unfaithful” is a boundary. “I don’t trust you, so you have to let me go through your phone whenever I want” is not.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

Good boundaries are a crucial component of taking care of yourself. Without strong boundaries, you are likely to end up feeling used, burned out, or taken advantage of. This can happen even if no-one has any ill intent towards you. Boundaries are one tool we can use to protect ourselves. They help you to keep a strong sense of self, drawing a clear line in the sand between what you will and won’t tolerate, what you will and won’t do, and where you end and someone else begins.

Good boundaries enable true consent to exist. A person can only give a meaningful yes (to sex, a date, a new project or responsibility, or even just a conversation) if they also have the ability to safely say no. Good boundaries allow us to say yes when we mean it, and no when we need to.

What Do I Mean By Loving Boundaries?

When I talk about “loving boundaries,” I am talking about setting and holding boundaries in a way that enables strong, healthy, and loving relationships to flourish.

If you’ve historically been bad at setting and maintaining boundaries, it can be difficult to know where to start. You might worry that people will be upset, angry, or disappointed when you start to set boundaries with them. You might even be right! But that just makes those boundaries even more important. And in a healthy, loving relationship, your boundaries are gifts to your loved ones. They are a guiding light in how to love you and how to help you love yourself.

There are times, unfortunately, when setting loving boundaries won’t work. If someone is determined to violate your boundaries, you might need to be firmer or impose harsher consequences for overstepping them, such as ending a relationship or telling them to leave your space.

Here are a few of the strategies I’ve found most effective in setting and holding loving boundaries. Hopefully some of them will work for you, too.

Use “I” Statements When Setting Loving Boundaries

Boundaries are about you, so use “I” statements when you set them as far as possible. This can help prevent the other person from getting defensive or pushing back against what you’re saying. It also reduces the likelihood that they’ll hear your boundary as blame, a punishment, or shutting them out.

Here are a couple of examples:

“I’d love to cuddle with you but I don’t want to have sex tonight.”

“If I’m in my office with the door closed, I’m focusing on work and only want to be interrupted if it’s an emergency.”

Use a Calm Tone of Voice

Loving boundaries should be communicated calmly as far as possible. This can help to keep the boundary conversation respectful and positive. Raised voices, name calling, or an accusatory tone are all likely to make them defensive before you’ve had chance to make your point.

It might sometimes be necessary but as a general rule, the middle of an argument isn’t a great time to have a positive discussion about your boundaries and needs.

Here’s a low-stakes example: imagine you’ve had a tough day and you just want to zone out on the couch by yourself for a while, but your partner wants to chat about something non-urgent. Consider the difference between “ugh, go away!” and “honey, I need a little space to myself right now, can I check in with you in half an hour?” One is brusque, harsh, and likely to make your partner feel unwanted or scolded. The other calmly tells them what you need and when they can expect you to re-engage.

Assume the Other Person is On Your Side and Wants to Support You in Setting and Holding Boundaries

Unless you have very clear evidence to the contrary, assume that the other person is on your side and cares about you. This means that they wouldn’t want you to overextend yourself or say yes when you really mean no. Part of loving you is supporting you in setting and holding boundaries.

Assuming you’re on the same side will help you approach boundaries as a necessary self-care step for yourself, and not as something you’re doing to the other person. It can also be self-fulfilling; if you signal to the person that you expect them to be understanding and respectful, they’re more likely to want to live up to that expectation by responding appropriately.

Consider When to Compromise (and When Not To)

Compromise is essential in healthy relationships. This means you might not get 100% of what you want in every situation. If your needs conflict with your partner’s, it can be useful to have a frank conversation and try to come to a compromise.

However, you should never compromise on a firm boundary. If you’re someone who (like me) tends towards people-pleasing, what the other person thinks is loving compromise can look like you conceding your boundaries to keep the peace. Don’t do that.

Directness is Kindness: Loving Boundaries Are Not Ambiguous

One of the biggest headfucks in a relationship can be not knowing where you stand or what the other person needs. By making someone guess at your needs or hiding your true feelings, you’re not doing them any favours. People who care about you would rather know what’s going on with you. Setting and holding firm boundaries is more loving than being vague.

Being direct gives the other person the gift of knowing you better and having clear information about what you need. Clarity, specificity, and directness are essential when it comes to boundaries.

Model Respect for Others’ Boundaries

In a healthy relationship, both (/all) people have their boundaries lovingly heard and respected. So as well as setting and holding your own boundaries, you need to listen to and adhere to theirs.

You Get to Have Boundaries Even If Someone Else Doesn’t Like Them

You might do everything right when you set your boundaries, and the other person might still be upset. While you can sympathise and work with them to get both your needs met, their feelings about your boundaries are ultimately not your job to solve.

If someone becomes very angry or upset about a reasonable boundary, it might be because they felt (consciously or subconsciously) that they were owed a certain level of access to you. This is a huge sign that the boundary was necessary! Stand firm in holding your boundaries. If they’re consistently disrespected, it might be time to rethink the relationship.