In this guest post, Quenby (they/them) explores lessons in boundaries from a cat. I’ve long been in awe of cats for their ability to express their wants and assert their boundaries without apology, and I absolutely loved this piece when it landed in my inbox.

Amy x

What Cats Can Teach Us About Boundaries by Quenby

Recently I was discussing boundaries with my datemate AJ, and they said something that stuck with me. “When it comes to physical affection, I’m a bit like a cat!” (And no, this isn’t a piece about kitten play!)

This was a cute moment between the two of us, but the more I think about it, the more I realise that cats really do have some important lessons to teach us about setting, maintaining, and asserting boundaries.

It Can Take Time

You don’t walk straight up to a cat and pet them. Instead, you give them space and let the cat come to you.

Whether it’s your first time meeting someone or you’ve been dating them for a while, sometimes you need to give your partner space. As a person who tends towards physical affection, this took me some time to get used to. It’s still something I have to check myself on occasionally. By respecting my partners’ boundaries as I would with a cat, I can come in without expectations and give them time to relax and adjust to my presence.

Letting a partner come to me can help ensure they’re comfortable and helps build the trust needed for us to feel safe lowering our inhibitions and exploring different forms of affection. If you don’t respect these basic physical boundaries, you’ll just end up chasing a disgruntled cat around the house.

If a Cat Wants to Be Stroked, It Will Let You Know

When a cat wants a belly rub, they will let you know. And when they want food, they will definitely let you know! Cats understand instinctively that affection must be given and received on terms that everyone enjoys, and they won’t hesitate to assert their boundaries if they’re no longer enjoying it.

It’s the same with humans. You have to pay attention to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal signals and take cues from them. As part of this, we can also draw on the idea of love languages (the different ways in which people show that they care for each other.) Ultimately, you need to communicate with a partner and find the ways you can express affection in a way that everyone appreciates. Because otherwise it’s not about your partner and it’s not about sharing a connection. It’s just about taking what you want from the other person.

When a Cat Decides They’ve Had Enough, They Will Assert Their Boundaries By Walking Away

For consent to be meaningful, it must be ongoing. Consent is not a single moment, and it certainly doesn’t mean agreeing to something and then being obliged to stick with it. Just as a cat will communicate its boundaries by walking away mid-petting if it’s had enough, it is always okay to stop if you’re no longer enjoying something.

When your partner is right in front of you, excited for something that you also really wanted moments before, it can be hard to speak up. But (and let’s say it together this time): if you stop enjoying something, it’s always okay to stop! And if your partner doesn’t respect that, they are in the wrong. And that leads us neatly to the final lesson.

Cats Aren’t Generally Aggressive in Communicating Their Boundaries… But They Will Lash Out if Provoked

If you repeatedly overstep a cat’s boundaries, those claw marks on your face will be your own fucking fault.

If somebody fails to respect your boundaries after you’ve communicated them, then you are entitled to be pissed off at that person. They’ve fucked up and must take responsibility for pushing those boundaries. You have a right to establish boundaries and you have a right to enforce those boundaries.

This is intended as a lighthearted take on a serious topic. Human relationships and boundaries are too complex and nuanced to be comprehensively explained by cats. But I think the core lessons that I’ve drawn out in this piece are a good starting point. Make time and space to develop trust. Listen to what each person is saying. Above all, respect the right to boundaries. Respect that those boundaries might change, and set and maintain your own boundaries in good faith.

Lessons Cats Can’t Teach Us About Boundaries

Despite everything I said above, it is also important to recognise that cats are not perfect models for boundaries and consent practices. Below is a non-comprehensive list of lessons my partner’s cat really needs to learn on this subject.

• You should ask before showing someone your asshole. I’m sure it’s lovely, but that’s not a dynamic I want to explore with you.
• Stabbing someone’s thighs should be negotiated ahead of time. There are nicer ways to ask for attention, you vicious little cutie.
• Climbing into bed while a couple are having sex is considered rude. Yes, we both love you, but in a very different way to how we love one another.

Quenby is a queer perfomer, writer, and activist. If you liked this post you can check out their blog.