One of the reasons I started this site was to play a role in demystifying sex and normalising discussions of sexuality, particularly kink, BDSM, non-monogamous and queer identities. However, I was in my mid-20s when I started this blog and I’m in my mid-30s now. And it seems to me that the vast majority of content out there about sex is written with the approximately 18-45 demographic in mind.
This is a huge oversight. According to experts at Johns Hopkins Medicine, around half of all (cis) women are still sexually active in their 50s, and 27% remain sexually active in their 70s. Hormonal and bodily changes later in life, from menopause and falling testosterone levels through to aging-related health issues and lower energy can all have a major impact on our sex lives as we enter the second half of our lives. Even so, many people in this age bracket still can and do enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sex life. Many more, I am sure, would if they had access to more information and resources. That’s why I was so keen to publish this piece by Karen Colby (she/her) all about her experience of losing and then rediscovering her sexuality.
By the way: if you’d like to learn more about sex after 50, Joan Price’s incredible work is the best place to start.
Amy x
My Sex Life: From Beginning to End to Beginning Again by Karen Colby
I was born in 1963, which makes me 61 years old.
When I was a teen, women in bra ads wore their bras on the outside of their blouses because they couldn’t show a bra on bare skin on television. We didn’t have porn on our phones – our phones were mounted on walls. So when it came to sex, my boyfriend and I knew very little.
We had to figure it out all by ourselves. We would make out for hours in the back seat of his car. It took him a year to get up the nerve to put his hand up my shirt, but after that he got more daring and when he put his hand down my pants, I was hooked. We lost our virginities to each other when I was 18. Fucking wasn’t my favorite activity, but I loved the things that people typically call “foreplay.” I loved everything about it. I could have multiple orgasms, and I’m talking a lot.
When I was 24, I got married. Our sex life was good, until I realized that I was way more attracted to women than I was to my husband. I left him when I was 31 for a woman I met in an AOL chat room. Although I was attracted to women, I had never even kissed a girl before I met her. I’ll never forget the first time we were together. It was all very soft, very gentle, and very wet. Unfortunately our relationship only lasted three years.
After that I was a serial monogamist. That is until shortly after I turned 40, and my sex drive went through the roof. I started dating three women and absolutely could not get enough sex. That intense desire lasted for a couple of years. It was a very exciting time!
One of the three women I was dating and I moved in together, and we were together for several years. Then, a short time after we broke up (when I was 51 years old), something new and very unexpected happened: my sex drive disappeared completely.
I was single, so I didn’t even notice it immediately. One day I saw my vibrator in my drawer and thought, wow, that thing is gathering dust, I haven’t used it in so long! When I thought about it, I realized that not only had I not used my vibrator in almost a year, but I really hadn’t thought about sex at all.
I’m guessing that having no sex drive when you’re in a relationship would be more difficult than when you’re single. But even though I didn’t have a partner, it bothered me because I had always been such a big fan of sex. I started using my vibrator once every three or four months, not because I was horny but just to remember what an orgasm felt like.
Meanwhile, my life was passing by. I wasn’t dating, because I liked being alone and without the desire for sex I couldn’t be bothered trying to make yet another relationship work. This serial monogamist was single for 10 years and had sex exactly zero times during that decade. It made me sad, because 51 felt far too young to give up sex forever, but I resigned myself to being alone and sexless for the rest of my life.
Then, earlier this year, I stopped taking a couple of medications and my sex drive came back with a vengeance. I felt like I was 40 again! I went from having no interest in sex to using my vibrator twice a day, sometimes more… and sometimes a lot more! Though I was so happy to have my libido back, I found myself in a new predicament. I was horny all the time, but had no one to have sex with.
So I went on dating sites, hoping to find a woman nearby who wanted to meet up, but that didn’t happen. Back in my 40s, I lived in New York. Now I’m in a small town and there aren’t a lot of single lesbians here. After about a month of craving sex, I tried putting an ad on one of the websites stating I was looking for a man. I hadn’t had sex with a man in 30 years! But I remembered liking it a lot in the back seat of my first boyfriend’s car.
I found an interested guy quickly and I was very upfront with him. I told him I had lost my sex drive for 10 years and it had recently come back stronger than ever. He was very nice and more than happy to take me back to his apartment. When he went down on me, it was like the first time all over again. It was so good. I still wasn’t a huge fan of penetrative sex, but it was wonderful to be intimate with someone again. He and I got together a few more times, then I found a website where you could post an ad searching for sexual partners. So I did.
I still wanted to be with a woman again, though. It seemed unfathomable that I hadn’t touched a woman in 10 years. I decided if I couldn’t find a partner of my own, maybe I could play with someone else’s. So I advertised that I was looking for a couple, and soon found one. It’s astounding how many couples want to have threesomes! This couple were married and just about my age. He was very nice and fairly average looking for a 60 year old man, and she was incredibly pretty.
As I pulled into the parking lot of a very expensive hotel (which I never could have afforded by myself!) I didn’t know what to expect from the evening. The hotel was stunning and the room we were staying in was huge. We had drinks in the room, and they took me out for a lovely dinner. We all talked over delicious food and got to know each other a little. During dinner I kept thinking we’re going to get naked together later! which both excited me and made me nervous. I have to say that I don’t think I would have seriously entertained the idea of meeting a married couple for sex when I was younger. There’s something freeing about being older.
After dinner, we went back to the hotel. The minute we walked into our room the wife said, “It’s time for sex!”. We started out just kissing with our clothes on. I kissed her, I kissed him, they kissed each other. Then we all kissed at once, which was fun but a little awkward. Once our clothes came off and she was in my arms, I instantly remembered why I love women. She was so soft and her breasts felt so good against mine. Of course, her husband got involved too, and that was fine with me. A good time was had by all. We stayed overnight and did it all again the next day. While she was sucking on one of my nipples and he was sucking on the other, I said, “I’m never having sex with just one person again.”
Since then, I have in fact had sex with just one person again. Actually, I’ve slept with a few guys, though I’m still looking for a female partner and I’m always buying batteries for my vibrator. My sex drive is still alive and well, and I have a threesome planned for this coming weekend. If it’s half as good as the last one, I’ll be very happy.
Karen Colby was the writer of Boyfriends and College Boys magazines