Sadly, we live in a society that still has a pretty narrow definition of what a “family” is. Ask most people to describe a family, and they’ll give you some variation of “mum, dad, children.” But any of us who do relationships outside of society’s prescribed cisheteromononormative model know that this is just one option amongst many.
Queer people have been creating intentional families forever. Well, so have consensually non-monogamous and polyamorous people.
In case you missed it, this post is part of a series inspired by Odder Being’s Polyamory Conversation Cards. As often as I can, I’ll pull a card at random and write a piece of content based on it. There will likely be some essays, advice pieces, personal experiences, rants, and more! You can read the whole series at the dedicated tag. And if you want to support my work and get occasional bonus content, head on over to my Patreon.
This week’s card asks:
“How do you feel about having children with your partner(s)? What about your partner(s) having children with other partners?”
I’ve been sitting on this card since I drew it, wondering how to tackle it. I’m lifelong childfree by choice, and I have a personal policy of not dating anyone who has children or is intending to have them in the future. So in some ways, this question isn’t relevant to me. I also feel wildly unqualified to discuss parenting in any kind of meaningful way. However, I do have lots of poly friends who have kids. I also consider myself part of an all-adults (and cats) poly family. So this got me thinking about the various different permutations of polyamorous families that exist.
So what is a polyamorous family and how can you create one? Let’s talk about how they can look, shall we?
Creating a Blended Family
Blended families are not new. They’ve been commonplace for as long as separation/divorce and remarriage have existed, and probably even longer. In the monogamous world, they often happen when a couple with children splits up, and then one or both of them gets a new partner.
Creating blended families is also pretty common in the polyamorous world. A lot of people come to polyamory later, having been in a monogamous relationship for many years and had children with their formerly-monogamous partner. Others have always been polyamorous, but have split up or denested with their co-parent(s) along the way. In these situations, a blended family can occur when people who already have children start dating others (who may or may not also have their own kids) and decide they want to build a serious, entangled relationship.
Example: Alice and her wife Beth have a three year old child together. Beth then starts dating Charlie, who has two children with his ex-wife. Charlie and his children become part of Alice, Beth and their child’s life, creating a blended polyamorous family.
Having Children in a Poly Family
Deciding to have children is a huge decision and not something that should be taken lightly in any relationship. But if you decide you want to have children with your partners, there are numerous ways to do it.
If there are multiple people in your polycule who are capable of becoming pregnant, you will need to decide on who will carry and give birth to the child. Likewise if there are multiple people capable of getting somebody pregnant. Your decisions here will likely take into account a wide array of factors, from personal preferences to level of physical or emotional risk.
If you have access to suitable medical care and legal structures that allow it, some poly families decide that two members of a polycule will provide the biological material to create a child and another member of the polycule will carry and birth the baby.
Some people with multiple partners who are capable of getting them pregnant decide to simply have unprotected sex with both/all of their partners, letting biology do its thing and considering everyone equal parents regardless of biological parentage. This option is fraught with potential issues so I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it, but it is a thing some people do.
If your polycule does not have a combination of at least one person with a uterus who can (or wants to) carry a child and at least one person with a penis who can (or wants to) get someone pregnant, you may need to explore other options such as adoption, surrogacy, fertility treatments, and so on.
A major word of caution: in many places, including the UK, a child cannot have more than two legal parents. This means that things can get messy and painful for everyone, especially the kids, in the event of a polyamorous family break-up. The laws surrounding parental responsibility and parental rights are complex, and vary tremendously by jurisdiction. Always, always consult a sympathetic family lawyer as part of your polyamorous family planning.
Example: Dani has two male partners, Edward and Finn, and they have all lived together happily for many years. The three of them decide they want to have children together. After extensive discussion, they decide that Finn will be the biological father of their first child but that all three of them will play an equal parental role. The three of them find a poly-friendly family lawyer who can help them navigate the legal complexities involved in this arrangement.
An All-Adults Poly Family
Of course, children are not necessary to create a family. You can also have a poly family consisting entirely of adults, if you want! My nesting partner and our cat are my family. Other partners and metamours and friends can and have also become part of that family, too.
All living together isn’t necessary to be a family, either. You can if you want to, of course, but it’s optional. Not everyone is suited to sharing living space and it doesn’t make you any less family. There are very few people I could happily live with. But my family is not defined by who lives under the same roof and yours doesn’t need to be, either.
Example: Greg starts a relationship with Harry. After they’ve been dating for a while, Greg also really hits it off with Harry’s husband Isaac, and they form a strong platonic friendship. The three of them spend a lot of time together playing games, watching movies, or walking their dogs and consider themselves a family. If any of them start a new relationship at any point, they’re also open to that person becoming a part of their family.
Family in a Parallel Polyamorous Relationship
Parallel polyamory occurs when a person has two or more partners, but those partners have little to no interaction with one another. They know the other(s) exist and may know top-line information about one another, but that’s the extent of the relationship.
However, practicing parallel polyamory doesn’t mean you can’t create a sense of family within your poly relationships. There’s no reason you can’t become family with both, multiple, or all of your partners. This is possible even if those individuals don’t consider each other family.
Example: James has two partners, his girlfriend Kelly and his boyfriend Luke. Kelly and Luke prefer not to spend time together. Therefore, James practices parallel polyamory and nests part-time with each of his partners. He considers them both vital parts of his family even though the two relationships are separate, and prioritises special time and building traditions with both partners.
So What is a Polyamorous Family?
Ultimately, it’s whatever you decide it is! As Sophie Beer’s adorable children’s book says: love makes a family. You get to define what that looks like for you.
I’ve said it many times: one of the most simultaneously glorious and frustrating things about polyamory is how few roadmaps we have. This means there are few scripts to follow and we’re often making it up as we go along. However, it also means tremendous freedom to structure our relationships, our commitments, and our families in the ways that work for us.
Further Reading (and Listening)
- Stories from the Polycule: Real Life in Polyamorous Families, The Polyamorists Next Door, and Children in Polyamorous Families: Research Findings in Brief, all by Dr Elisabeth Sheff
- Monogamy? In This Economy? by Laura Boyle
- The Polyamorous Home by Jess Mahler
- Polyamory and Pregnancy by Jessica Burde
- “Polyamory, Family and Children” on the Multiamory podcast
