Tag: Mr C&K

Header image for a post on how to get over a broken heart

7 Things That Helped Me to Get Over a Broken Heart

Published on by Amy

Heads up: this is not a generic “how to get over a broken heart” listicle. This is tremendously personal and I hope I can trust my readers to be kind.

Yup. It’s been an entire year, and we’re finally talking about this! I have tried to write something cohesive about this experience so many times over the last year, but it didn’t feel like the right time until now. I had to wait until I was sure I was really okay, really truly over it and out the other side, before I could write about it with the benefit of knowing for sure that the pain really does end.

One year ago today, I experienced the most brutal, absolute and devastating heartbreak of my life from someone I thought I would be with forever.

“Blindsided” is not even the word.

It physically hurt. I felt like I was dying.

I still don’t think I have the words to explain the depths of the grief I sunk into, the anger and the confusion, that time I screamed in my car down a deserted road just to let out some of the pressure that felt like it was crushing me from the inside. The nights I spent alternately crying until I felt numb and drinking myself into oblivion just so that, for a few blissful minutes, I wouldn’t have to feel anything.

But this post isn’t actually about that pain, or about the person who broke my heart. It’s about how I got through it. Because that’s the reality of even the worst heartbreak of your life: you do get through it.

One day, you wake up and find you don’t actively want to fucking die. One day, you wake up and you’re not crying before you’re even fully awake, they’re not the first thing on your mind, you don’t see their eyes every time you close yours. Eventually, you smile again. Laugh again. Dance in your kitchen while you make dinner again. Have sex again. Eventually, you even love again.

So this post is for everyone whose heart has ever been broken. It’s for everyone who’s going through it right now, who needs a reminder that there is joy out there and that this too shall pass. But most of all it’s for the Amy of a year ago who felt like she had lost a piece of her soul and thought she might never be happy again. Hold on, sweetheart. Joy is coming back. More joy than you can imagine right now.

This is just my little love letter to seven of the things that pulled me through.

Mr C&K

I have to start with this one because fucking hell, this man showed up for me when I needed him. He picked me up off the floor (literally, once or twice.) He fed me and took care of the house and the cat and our life in the immediate aftermath, when I could barely get off the sofa. When I woke up in the early hours of the morning already crying, he pulled me close and reminded me I was still worthy of love.

Pretty words and promises are nice, but they mean nothing if they’re not backed up with actions. Real love? Sometimes it looks like someone who’s been by your side for a decade sitting with you while you cry and rage and work through the confusion, and then filling the fridge with all your favourite foods in the hope that you’ll eat something even though your body is so full with the sheer weight and volume of your grief that you can’t imagine having room for anything as trivial as food.

Sapphic music

A couple of months after my breakup, I started making a giant playlist of all the sapphic, lesbian and queer girl music I could find.

It was partly an attempt to reconnect with my own queerness, to remind myself that no longer having a girlfriend didn’t invalidate my identity. I found the angsty breakup songs cathartic. The love songs gave me hope that I might find something like that again someday.

Most of all, it was a feeling of being held by these women. Women I’ll never meet but with whom I feel a kinship because of our shared experience as sapphics in a world that simultaneously invisibilises and hyper-sexualises us.

Fletcher, MUNA, Hayley Kiyoko, Girli, Chappell Roan, Xana, Girl in Red, Renee Rapp and more wrapped their words around my heart and, on the nights I felt most profoundly alone, their songs reached out a hand and said “we got you.”

Crafting

You know the cool thing about having yarn, fabric, a set of knitting needles or a crochet hook in your hands? You can’t text the person who broke your heart (or pound that ill-advised fourth shot of gin of the night) while you’re doing it.

Sometimes, making things – counting stitches and rows, figuring out pattern instructions, occasionally ripping it all out and starting again – was the only thing that could stop me from thinking about her, calm my racing mind from ruminating on how stupidly happy I had been and how it had all gone to hell so quickly.

I crafted so much in the few months following my breakup that I ended up taking a stall of my yarn-based creations to sell at a Pride event. Every time I saw someone smile and pick out a piece I’d made in their pride flag’s colours, a little bit of my heart healed. I’d turned my pain into beautiful things, and those things brought other people joy.

Slow, careful and mindful attempts at dating

I got back on the dating apps around August. If I’m entirely honest it was probably a little too soon but I decided, fuck it, it’s been six months, maybe I’m allowed to have a little fun now? (Or maybe I just needed the emotional masochism of confirming, once again, my utter certainty that I would never meet anyone who was right for me ever again.)

Only… I did.

I had a nice date with a woman. Things didn’t go anywhere, but going on a date – laughing and eating sushi and getting to know someone new – felt like gently flexing a muscle I hadn’t used in far too long, like taking the cast off a broken bone. Then I dated someone lovely for about three months. We had fun. Then we realised we weren’t romantically compatible and parted on good terms as friends.

And then…

Well. The next bit of the story comes later in this post.

Queer community

There’s an invisibility that often comes with sapphic love. This is doubled (tripled, really) if you’re polyamorous and your relationship isn’t a socially-sanctioned, legally-sanctioned, highly visible, hetero-read one.

So many people in my life didn’t understand that the relationship might have ultimately been short-lived and non-escalator, but that didn’t make it any less real. It fucking mattered. My love mattered. My heart mattered.

It was my queer community, particularly my queer polyamorous community, that understood. Those people witnessed and held the reality of just how much this fucking sucked. They allowed me to be sad then angry then hopeful then hopeless and then sad all over again. They let me go from laughter to sobbing and back to laughter, sometimes in the space of minutes.

And they never told me it didn’t matter because it didn’t last. That I should have known better, or that polyamory is always a recipe for disaster. They didn’t say at least you still have a partner as if that makes a broken heart hurt any less, or any of the other shit that clueless straight people hit me with.

Friends who understand

Sometime around May, three months after my breakup, I went for coffee with a well-meaning friend. When I got home, I said to Mr C&K, “I feel like an alien in my own life.” I felt completely detatched and cut off from just about everyone else on the planet.

There were a very small number of people who made me feel understood and seen. One of them was someone I didn’t even know all that well at the time, who had gone through a breakup around the same time. Over the course of a few months, our two person #BrokenHeartClub (or #BoozyBrokenHeartClub on the more difficult days) evolved into a friendship I’m profoundly grateful for.

My best friend and his boyfriend let me crash with them for a few days in the immediate aftermath while I got my head back on straight. My bestie alternately took me out and got me drunk in healing queer spaces (Eastenders-themed drag? Surprisingly good medicine for a broken heart!) and let me rage-sob on his sofa.

Finding love again

I had to save this one for last. It’s ultimately one of the most significant pieces of this story and the most difficult to find adequate words for.

There’s something a little paradoxical here. After a breakup, we’re not supposed to start looking for a new relationship until we’re fully healed. We’re supposed to get over a broken heart before we try to find love again. Yet, at a certain point, there is a form of healing that happens within a new relationship. If you want to learn to trust again, at some point you need to practice trusting someone. If you want to fall in love again, at some point you need to let yourself fall.

I met my now-girlfriend Em on a dating app in late October. Our connection was fast. We both read the other’s profile and had a moment of “were you made for me!?”. But it was also slow, in that it was over two months before we could spend time together in person. In those two months, we clocked up over 40 hours of phone and video calls.

On January 7th at 8pm, she walked into the bar and she smiled at me and I knew. On January 7th at 10pm, she asked me to be her girlfriend. Then, on January 26th, I told her I love her. Was I terrified to try again? Of course. But at some point, you have to feel the fear and try again anyway.

She was the final and most crucial piece. She profoundly sees me, understands me, holds me in the messiness and vulnerability of all that I am and have been and all that I might be in the future. With her, I felt able to take that risk. To trust someone. To stare down the fear of opening myself up to that kind of pain again and decide she was worth the risk.

She was – is – everything I needed in a new love. And she found me at the perfect moment.

If you’re trying to get over a broken heart, I hope this gave you a little comfort. I know you’ll get through it. Listen I love you joy is coming.

Header image for Atom Plus Lux review

[Toy Review] Hot Octopuss Atom Plus Lux

Published on by Amy

[Update 02/11/23: this product has been discontinued, though the original Atom and the Atom Plus are still available. I have removed dead links but left the post up for reference.]

This review has been a long time coming. For various reasons, we kept getting thwarted each time we tried to test out this toy! But better late than never, and I’m pleased to be bringing you a review of the Hot Octopuss Atom Plus Lux today.

What is the Atom Plus Lux?

The Atom Plus Lux is the newest vibrating cock ring from Hot Octopuss, London-based purveyors of innovative sex toys. It’s an upgrade on the original Hot Octopus Atom Plus, the main difference being that it now comes with a remote control.

Hot Octopuss Atom Plus Lux cock ring

The Atom Plus Lux measures 4.72″ in length and 2.36″ in total width. It is made of ultra soft and body-safe matte black silicone and adorned with plastic accents on each end, which is also where the buttons live. The top is stamped with the Hot Octopuss crown insignia.

The Atom Plus Lux contains two motors. Motor #1 is housed at the top and designed to deliver vibrations to the head and upper shaft of the penis, as well as the receptive partner’s clitoris during penetrative sex. The second motor lives in the base and, combined with the pronounced ridge, stimulates the wearer’s perineum.

Atom Plus Lux vibrating cock ring viewed from the side

The Atom Plus Lux is rechargeable via the included USB cable. Charging takes 2 hours and you get around 40 minutes’ use out of a full charge, which isn’t amazing. It is fully waterproof, should you want to use it in the bath or shower.

How powerful is it?

One thing Hot Octopuss has consistently got right is their motors. The Atom Plus Lux’s two motors are impressively powerful, certainly more so than any other vibrating cock ring I’ve tried. That said, they are a little on the buzzy side. They do not have the deep, satisfying rumbles of the “bass” motors in, say, the Jett or the Kurve.

The Atom Plus Lux offers five levels of power and five vibrating patterns. I asked Mr CK how the vibrations felt to him. His answer: “I mean, they’re fine, but they won’t get me off”. I could definitely orgasm from this toy if I used it just for clitoral stimulation, but probably not during penetrative sex (for reasons I’ll get into below).

By the way: the two motors are integrated, so you cannot control them separately.

How does it fare in use?

I am coming to the conclusion that Mr CK and I just don’t really care for vibrating cock rings all that much. The idea of them is good, but in practice they tend to be more trouble than they’re really worth.

Hot Octopuss Atom Plus Lux vibrating cock ring on Godemiche Ambit silicone dildo
Feat. Godemiche Ambit in a limited edition Valentine’s Day design.

You have to put on the Atom Plus Lux when the penis is flaccid or semi-flaccid, and it has to sit behind the testicles (we tried it first just around the penis, and it just moves around and slips off). The silicone is pretty rigid and hard to stretch for long at first, although it does loosen up a little after a few uses. That said, if you suffer from pain or muscle weakness in your hands, you may find it challenging to put on.

Part of the idea behind vibrating cock rings is that most people with vulvas need sustained clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. The problem is that they don’t really provide that stimulation very well! While I appreciate the extra clitoral sensation that comes from using a vibrating cock ring like the Atom Plus Lux, it’s neither consistent nor sustained enough to actually get me off unless my partner just, sort of, puts his penis inside me and then doesn’t move. (Which… can be hot and is apparently a thing Mormons don’t think counts as sex, but it’s not really our thing!)

Remote control cock ring Hot Octopuss Atom Plus Lux remote

The Atom Plus Lux’s controls are easy to use, with an on/off/change pattern button located on the bottom and the speed buttons located on either side at the top. The remote control is a nice addition, as pressing buttons on the toy itself can be a little fiddly mid-fuck!

Verdict

The Atom Plus Lux is a very well-designed and well-made vibrating cock ring with two reasonably powerful motors. I don’t think we’ll be using it much, but that’s got very little to do with the product itself.

Honestly, if any toy was going to turn me into a vibrating cock ring convert, it’d be this one. Sadly, it really hasn’t, so I have to conclude they’re probably not for me.

That said, if you enjoy (or think you might enjoy) this kind of toy, the Atom Plus Lux is a good bet! Hot Octopuss’s products are well-made and built to last and, if something does go wrong, their customer service is stellar. I actually recently had an issue with a different product and they sorted it so quickly and professionally.

The Atom Plus Lux retails for £89.95 (that’s $129.95 for my American friends).

Thanks to Hot Octopuss, who sent me this product in exchange for an honest review. All views are mine. Affiliate links are included and if you shop through them, I make a small commission at no extra cost to you.

Header image for review of the Clone a Willy KIit

[Toy Review] Clone a Willy

Published on by Amy

Have you ever wanted a lifesize, silicone replica of your own (or your partner’s) penis? Well, you’re in luck! Clone a Willy is a company that makes kits that allow you to make a replica dick at home. There’s also now a Clone a Pussy, by the way! Lovehoney kindly sent me the Clone a Willy kit for Day 9 of #12DaysofLovehoney, and Mr CK and I had quite the adventure making it.

Clone a Willy Kit
Image credit: Lovehoney

Let’s see how we got on, shall we? Oh, and check out the whole review series here.

What’s in the Clone a Willy Kit?

The Clone a Willy kit comes packaged in a plastic tube, which also serves as the molding tube. Inside, you’ll find:

  • Instruction leaflet
  • Packet of molding power
  • 2 tubs of silicone
  • Mini thermometer
  • Single speed plastic vibrator
  • Stirring stick
Some of the contents of the Clone a Willy Kit

It’s worth noting that the kit doesn’t include every single thing you need. Fortunately, everything else you need is likely something you already have. You’ll need to have to hand:

  • A mixing pot to mix the molding powder (we used a plastic jug to make pouring easier)
  • A large wooden spoon
  • A disposable container to mix the silicone in (we used a well-cleaned plastic takeaway tub)
  • Means of measuring water in precise quantities
  • A way of keeping time (we used the timer function on my smartphone)
  • A square of scrap cardboard
Two pots of liquid silicone mix

How Does it Work?

The process of casting your penis isn’t all that difficult, but it takes a bit of precision and care.

First, you’ll need to cut the tube to size. It should be half an inch longer than your erect penis. Next, you’ll need to measure out 1 3/4 cups (that’s 414ml) of lukewarm water and let it cool to exactly 90F (32C). That’s what the thermometer is for. Be aware that this can take longer than you think!

Once the water is at the right temperature, you mix the molding powder in and stir it for exactly 45 seconds. Pour the mix into the tube, insert your erect penis, and hold it still until the mix starts to set. The instructions say 1-2 minutes, but this wasn’t quite enough. All in, it took around 4 minutes.

Voila, you have a mold! Then all you have to do is mix up the silicone, pour it into the mold, add the vibrator, and leave it to set for 24 hours.

How Hard is It?

The tricksy part of this whole process is the precision – getting the right amount of water, making sure it’s exactly the right temperature, and stirring for the right amount of time. Once the molding power goes in the water you have to act quickly, so make sure the dick being cast is erect and ready to go before you start mixing! (Staying hard is also a challenge when your dick is in lukewarm molding mix, I’m told. Have some porn or a sexy naked partner to hand!)

Mr CK has quite a lot of body hair, so we applied a generous amount of vaseline before we started casting. If you’re on the hairy side, I highly recommend this approach, otherwise you might end up getting an unwanted wax job!

The other thing to bear in mind is that this process can get messy! You have to hold the tube full of liquid against your groin for several minutes in a slightly upward-tilted angle, and some WILL spill out. Put a towel or an old sheet down before you start, and don’t do this in a carpeted area if you can possibly help it.

Clean-up isn’t too difficult. The molding mix washes off skin easily. Pro tip for cleaning your utensils and mixing bowl: wait for the leftover mix to completely dry, and then it will just peel away.

The molding is by far the hardest bit. Once that’s sorted, mixing up and pouring the silicone is a breeze. The one thing to be aware of is that you have to mix the silicone for several minutes (we did about 8 minutes) and then pour it as slowly as possible.

So how did it turn out?

We got a very promising mold from our dick casting! And the silicone is the most gorgeously bright and vibrant colour:

Silicone mix from the Clone a Willy Kit

As per the advice, we decided to leave the mold to set overnight and then pour the silicone the next morning. As such, the final product is currently setting and I’ll add some photos tomorrow. Watch this space!

Clone a Willy Kit in progress setting

The Outcome

Ta-da!

Finished purple silicone dildo made with Clone a Willy Kit

After this adventure, I have a newfound appreciation for folks who make beautiful dildos. This came out pretty well for a first go – its structurally sound, useable, and actually a pretty good likeness to its, erm, source material.

But it’s still a far cry from what the professionals can do. Support your favourite lovely dildo-makers, people!

(But also clone your/your partner’s dick at home with one of these kits, because it’s fun!)

Final Verdict

This whole experience was messy, awkward, and absolutely hilarious. You’ll need a good sense of humour if you want to make a Clone a Willy, but we had tonnes of fun making ours!

The Clone a Willy kit retails for £34.99 from Lovehoney ($44.99 US).

I’ll just leave you with this:

Me: “What do you think people do with their cloned dick if they have a really bad breakup?”
Him: (beat) “Will it blend?”

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this product to review! Views are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this and all my review posts. Want to support the blog? Buying me a coffee is a great way to do that!

Header image of the Blowmotion Pulse Vibration masturbator review

[Toy Review] Blowmotion Pulse Vibration Masturbator

Published on by Amy

Update 04/03/22: this product has been discontinued.

Happy December, gang! Today is the first day of a very special project I’m working on with my friends at Lovehoney. It’s called the #12DaysofLovehoney and every day from today until December 11th, I’ll be bringing you a new product review. On the 12th, there will be an opportunity to win an exciting prize!

First up is the Blowmotion Pulse Vibration, a masturbator for people with penises. Being the good sport he is, my stunt cock Mr CK had ample input into this review. Let’s get started.

What is the Blowmotion Pulse Vibration?

Blowmotion is a range of toys for penis owners exclusively available at Lovehoney. I received the Blowmotion Pulse Vibration masturbator, which looks like this:

The Blowmotion Pulse Vibration masturbator

It is 6 inches long in total, but the canal (the bit where the penis goes) is only about two inches deep. Powered by electro-magnetic technology, it is designed to deliver stimulation to the head of the penis (the most sensitive part for a lot of people).

The Blowmotion arrived in a sleek black and green box – the packaging wouldn’t be out of place housing a fancy gadget or a high-end aftershave. The toy is also black with green accents. It’s smart and masculine without being aggressively MANLY.

The Blowmotion is USB rechargeable and I got about 40 minutes of play out of a full charge. Passable, but not great. It is made of smooth and body-safe silicone, which is a very welcome change from penis toys made from gross jelly materials and porous TPE! The silicone on one side of the canal is stretchy, allowing for comfortable insertion. Just remember to use plenty of water-based lube.

Settings and controls

The Blowmotion Pulse Vibration features two forms of stimulation: standard vibrations, and the thrusting motion that gave it its name. Settings are controlled via 3 buttons: the middle button switches the toy on and off, the top one controls the thrusting, and the bottom one controls the vibrations.

The Blowmotion Pulse Vibration masturbator

There are 7 thrusting modes (3 speeds and 4 patterns) and 14 vibration modes (5 speeds and 9 patterns). Since you can control them separately, you can use them in any combination you wish, including leaving either one switched off entirely. The versatility is impressive and makes the toy more likely to be friendly to a range of bodies.

The buttons are a little small and fiddly. I also found that the setting didn’t always change reliably – sometimes I had to press a button twice. And having to scroll through 7 or 14 settings if you accidentally miss the one you like? Yeah, that’s annoying.

How did it feel?

Though we were initially impressed with the look and luxurious feel of the Blowmotion, we found it disappointing in practice. Since the thrusting motion is concentrated in the base of the toy, Mr CK reported that he could hardly feel it. I stuck my fingers in it and switched it on to get an idea of the sensation, and was similarly underwhelmed. The vibrations are okay, but pretty buzzy and nothing to write home about, power-wise.

The Blowmotion Pulse Vibration masturbator

This toy is also not ideal if you like a lot of attention paid to your shaft as opposed to just the head of your penis. Since it’s only 2 inches deep, it’s really a head-only toy. If you prefer all stimulation focused there, you might find the Blowmotion Pulse Vibration ideal. Otherwise, it probably won’t do much for you.

It’s also worth noting that if you’re above average in the girth department, the Blowmotion might be uncomfortable for you to use. The canal is fairly narrow and that little bit of stretch will only get you so far.

Mr CK wasn’t able to get anywhere close to orgasm with it, and we’re unlikely to use it again.

Final thoughts

While we loved the idea of the Blowmotion, it just doesn’t really deliver in practice. In my opinion, it’s not worth the £74.99 pricetag. You’ll be better off buying a wand and a masturbator attachment.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this product to review! Views are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this and all toy review posts. Want to support the blog? Buying me a coffee is a great way to do that!

Tree roots

Loving Someone You’ve Loved Forever

Published on by Amy2 Comments

“We had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.”
– Louis de Bernieres (from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin)

I won’t knock New Relationship Energy for a second. It’s fun and it’s wonderful. Who doesn’t love that part at the beginning of a new relationship, where you’re feeling each other out, learning each other’s bodies and minds, figuring out how you fit?

But for me, the best things in a relationship have always come with time. Things like learning how to move around each other in the kitchen as we make a meal together. Knowing exactly what treat to bring back from the store to make the other’s day a bit brighter. Hearing I love you in words like “drive safely” and “you need to rest“. A whole shared language of jokes, memories, experiences, trips, fights and resolutions, fucks, films, friends, and so much more.

And sex with someone I’ve loved forever? For me, that’s where the really good stuff is. When there’s no pressure to be perfect. No worries about what if we don’t fit, what if it doesn’t work, what if what if what if…

No fear I won’t be good enough, because they’ve already seen me at my worst and they still love me. Knowing that if I don’t come, they won’t think my body is too finicky or complicated. Knowing that if a body makes an unsexy noise, we’ll laugh it off and carry on. Being 100% certain that if I say no, they’ll respect it and still love me. Not being scared to take my clothes off, because I know they find me hot, stretch marks and body hair and all.

All other things being equal, I’d far rather have sex with someone whose body I know. Someone who knows mine. The creativity that comes with keeping the lust and the spark alive over years. Morning sex when we’re still half asleep, afternoon sex when we’re both working from home, giggly sex when we’re just on the right side of tipsy, sex club sex when we’re getting off on showing off.

I’ve never understood people who think long-term relationships are boring, that forever love is unexciting, or that sex with someone you’ve loved for years has to be less passionate.

So yes, casual sex is fun and NRE is wonderful. Give me the breathless excitement of fucking someone for the first time. Give me the heart-skipping moment when one of us finally moves to kiss the other. Bring it on – I love that stuff. The ability to enjoy that stuff over and over, without hurting anyone, is part of why I’m polyamorous.

But more than that? Far more than that, give me waking up next to someone I’ve loved for years. Bodies that can keep rediscovering each other every time we come together, again and again and again for years. Give me the two puzzle pieces that know they fit together.

Give me roots that have grown together underground. In the face of all that, the pretty blossom is just decoration.

Quote Quest badge, for a post about loving someone you've loved forever

This piece was written for Quote Quest, a new weekly meme by Little Switch Bitch. Click the button to see who else was inspired by this week’s quote! And if today’s piece resonated with you, you can always buy me a coffee to say thanks!

Man in a suit without his face showing, header image for Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration review

[Toy Review] Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration Masturbator

Published on by Amy2 Comments

Satisfyer are really churning them out lately, aren’t they? A few weeks after receiving the now-infamous shipment of 7 new toys for vulvas, I received a parcel the other day containing two new penis toys. They seem very similar, so I got rid of one via a Twitter giveaway, and kept the other one to test make Mr CK test. Meet the Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration Masturbator (hereafter ‘Satisfyer Men Heat’).

Keep your gendered marketing

I’m opposed to gendered marketing of sex toys. Not everyone who has a penis is a man, and not all men have penises! Trans and nonbinary people exist! Unnecessarily gendering toys not only makes trans and NB folks feel ignored and sidelined, it’s also just bad business. Why would you want to alienate a part of your potential customer base? So I was already a bit “ugh” about this product just from the name. But I tried to keep an open mind, I really did.

“A stylish playmate for modern guys”

This is how the Satisfyer Men Heat is described in their marketing copy. I mean… okay, I guess? The colour scheme is black and silver, a minimalistic and stereotypically masculine aesthetic. At first glance, the toy looks like a cross between a portable coffee cup and a torch. One end is closed, and the other is a hole where you insert the penis. The outer is made of ABS plastic, and the fuckable end (sorry, I can’t think how else to describe it) is lined with soft, squishy silicone.

Fuck it, describing this toy is hard, here’s a visual.

The Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration on a white sheet

The Satisfyer Men Heat features a heating function, which warms the toy to three possible levels, the highest being 104F (about 40C, or slightly over normal body temperature). This is designed to make the experience “breathtakingly realistic” which, one assumes, means “it feels like a vagina”. Then there’s “like a blowjob… but BETTER!” as the box claims. I’m skeptical to say the least, but let’s move on.

Size-wise, it’s got about 2.75″ of penetrable depth (so if you like really deep penetration, this isn’t going to be for you). It’s about 3″ wide, and the hole that you penetrate is around 1.5″.

Close up of the Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration

The Satisfyer Men Heat is USB rechargeable and fully waterproof.

Settings & controls

The Satisfyer Men Heat has 4 buttons set into a control panel on the front of the toy. The on/off button is at the top and also changes the vibration pattern. Then you have the +/- buttons to change the speed, and lastly the temperature control button. You can set the toy warming without the vibrations being on, so you might want to give it a few minutes to warm up before playing. It starts getting warm very quickly and the instructions say it comes to temperature in five minutes.

This control panel is really where the problems started. The buttons are not raised at all, so you cannot feel for them with your fingers without a visual. They’re also not clearly marked – thin grey markings on a black background! This means it’s basically impossible to see the buttons properly during use unless you’re in very good light and have perfect vision. In low light, forget it. Mr CK also pointed out that this makes the toy really inaccessible to those with any kind of visual impairment.

Additionally, though you are supposed to be able to adjust the heating function, there is no discernible way to tell which heat setting it’s on. You just get the flashing thermometer icon to indicate that the warming function is on.

This toy boasts “70 different vibration combinations”. I’m not sure how the maths works here, given that by my count it has 8 possible speeds and 6 patterns, making a total of 48 possible options. But what do me and my D in GCSE maths know!?

Care and cleaning

About the best thing I can say about this product is that it is body-safe, which is still shockingly rare for penis toys. Standard masturbators like Fleshlights are all made from porous materials such as TPE, which harbour bacteria and are impossible to get completely clean. Fortunately, silicone is non-porous, phthalate-free and 100% safe. At least Satisfyer got THAT right.

As the Satisfyer Men Heat is waterproof, you can clean it with warm water and gentle soap. It’s a bit of a pain to get clean given the shape, but it can be done with a bit of extra care. If you want to share this toy with a non fluid-bonded partner, you can use it while wearing a condom. As always, I recommend water-based lube – and you’re going to need PLENTY of it if you attempt to use this thing.

So how did it work?

The Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration on a white sheet

“Badly” is, unfortunately, the short and sweet answer. Mr CK was able to fit his penis into the toy with the help of plenty of lube, but he found it uncomfortable. Anyone with a larger than average penis, especially if you’re quite girthy, should avoid this product – you just won’t fit or it’ll hurt! Despite the squishyness of the silicone, it doesn’t have much “give” to make extra room – and one side is completely rigid. This is really a “one size” toy, which doesn’t work at all because penises are so infinitely and gloriously varied. It also makes a squelching noise when you penetrate it, which – while giggle-inducing – is not sexy.

Additionally, the vibrations just didn’t measure up. Even at the highest setting, they’re pretty pathetically weak. Mr CK very quickly concluded that there was zero chance of this toy bringing him anywhere near to orgasm.

When the best your partner can manage is a shrug and an “it’s not… unpleasant?” you know you’re not on to a winning toy.

“But does it feel like fucking a vagina?” I asked. “No,” he said.

“And is it better than a blow job?” “No,” he said again. Never one to waste words.

The verdict

Unfortunately we cannot recommend this product. If you have a penis on the smaller side AND enjoy gentle vibrations, you might get something out of this toy – but otherwise we suggest you spend your money elsewhere. Check out the Godemiche OffBeat, the Hot Octopuss Pulse III or the Hummer wand attachment for some of my most often-recommended penis toys.

Sorry, Satisfyer – I still love you (you’ll have my heart for a while for that amazing flower thing) but seriously, please stop churning things out quite so quickly and develop them more rigorously first.

The Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration Masturbator retails for $59.95.

Thanks to Satisfyer for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. All views are, as ever, my own. Pictures are by me. Affiliate links contained within this post make me a small commission if you use them to make a purchase.

Header image for Godemiche Offbeat review featuring abstract gold burst

[Toy Review] The Godemiche Offbeat

Published on by Amy

I’ve been sitting on this one for a long damn time, in part because it took us so long to get to actually testing it. But after giving it a second trial run this morning, I am ready to tell you all about the Offbeat from Godemiche.

It’s no secret that I fucking love Godemiche. This UK-based team run by husband-and-wife duo Adam and Monika have been making gorgeous, hand-poured silicone dildos for a number of years now… and now they’ve branched out into penis toys as well! (And yes, their marketing copy refers to the Offbeat as a “toy for the penis”, not a “toy for men” – hooray! I wish all companies would go this inclusive route).

The Godemiche Offbeat sitting on a red laptop keyboard.

Let’s go OffBeat…

The OffBeat is a tube-shaped silicone masturbator sleeve. Inside it has a simple bobble texture, while the outside has a gentle ripple. Each one has the company name stamped along the rim at the bottom, and the “G” Godemiche logo on the side. Each OffBeat comes in its own little storage tub – it looks like a miniature poster tube. This useful addition makes for easy and hygienic storage.

The Godemiche Offbeat lying on my desk

Sizes and colours and customising, oh my!

OffBeat comes in two sizes: Grande is 5cm in length, and Venti is 10cm in length. (And those who understand will know why these size names made me laugh!) Both sizes are 3cm in diameter. We received the longer Venti version for review. Even this larger size is compact and lightweight. Easy to throw in your bag for a date or a filthy weekend away!

Which size you pick is up to your preferences. If you prefer plenty of concentrated stimulation around the head of your penis, I suggest going for the smaller Grande. Godemiche point out that the Grande is also a great companion to oral sex. Simply tease the head of the penis for a while, then slide the Grande down the shaft and use it to stimulate the base of the penis while giving your partner head, simulating the feeling of a deeper blowjob. The longer Venti, on the other hand, is ideal if you prefer longer strokes and plenty of up-and-down motion. If you’re looking for something that comes closer to simulating penetration, you definitely want to go for the Venti.

The Godemiche Offbeat on a green carpet

One of my favourite things about Godemiche is the sheer variety of colours and styles on offer. Whatever colour toy you want, they can probably make it for you! I have a one-of-a-kind bi pride Ambit that I bought in a charity auction and it’s one of my favourite toys ever. I also bought a gorgeous red Adam in their last sale.

The OffBeat is available in dozens of colours. Ours is pearlescent gold and it’s absolutely beautiful.

A refreshing body-safe offering

Sex toy options for people with penises are often woefully lacking. This is gradually changing as awesome companies like Hot Octopuss, Fun Factory and now Godemiche start offering brilliant cock toys. Unfortunately, most of the strokers on the market are still made of porous and sometimes toxic materials such as jelly, rubber, PVC, TPE/TPR and the notoriously vague “Realistic Feel”.

So of course I am delighted that the OffBeat is made of 100% silicone. This means it is completely body-safe: non-toxic and non-porous.

The Godemiche Offbeat on a purple dildo sticking to some black bathroom wall tiles
Featured Stunt Dildo is the Lovehoney 7 Inch Suction Cup Silicone Dildo

To clean your OffBeat after use, turn it inside out and wash it thoroughly with warm water and gentle soap. Take extra care to ensure that no fluids remain trapped between the bobbles. You can also sterilise your stroker by sticking it in a pan of boiling water for 10 minutes, or running it through the dishwasher in the top rack.

If you want to share the toy with a non fluid-bonded partner, it’s easy to give it a wash between uses or you can just wear a condom, which shouldn’t impede the toy’s performance in any way.

For maximum comfort and pleasure, use a good quality water-based lube. I recommend slathering plenty of lube inside the stroker and also putting some directly on your penis.

So how does it feel?

Now, obviously I don’t have a dick, so I turned to my trusty stunt-cock Mr CK to help me out with this one. His reaction when I lubed up the toy and slid it onto his cock was instantaneous. Apparently the bobbles on the inside of the toy provided a good amount of friction and sensation without needing to grip very hard at all. This may make it a good choice for people who find gripping hard during masturbation difficult, such as those who suffer from pain in their hands. I certainly found it made pleasuring him for a decent length of time easier.

The Godemiche Offbeat on the side of a bath, around a purple dildo

Mr CK also explained that one of the things he likes about this toy is that it is so simple but really makes masturbation feel substantially different from usual. He likened it to the difference between masturbating with your dominant vs non-dominant hand, or the difference between touching yourself and having someone else do it for you. Basically, if you’re looking to change up your usual masturbation routine, grab yourself one of these!

The gentle ripple shape of the outside of the sleeve means it sits comfortably in the hand, a finger in each dip. We also tried the toy with me pleasuring him with it, and found this was equally true whichever of us was doing the work.

Size-wise, this is a flexible toy. It stretches well and then “hugs” the penis once it’s inside, so would suit a wide variety of penis lengths and girths.

An absolute hit. I think this one is going to live in the “easy access basket” for things we use all the time.

(The Easy Access Basket just needs its own damn post, doesn’t it?)

Do we recommend it?

We really like this toy! It’s simple, highly effective, body-safe, affordable and should suit a wide range of bodies.

OffBeat retails for prices starting from £29.99 (Grande) and £35.99 (Venti.)

Thanks to Godemiche for sending us the OffBeat in exchange for an honest review. All views in this post are our own and images were taken by me. This post contains a couple of affiliate links, which send a small commission my way when you buy from them. Links to Godemiche are non-affiliated.

Header image for Mantric penis masturbator review

[Toy Review] Lovehoney Mantric Rechargeable Vibrating Masturbator

Published on by Amy

Update 03/03/22: this product has been discontinued.

I’ve discussed before how difficult it is to find toys for people with penises which use truly body-safe materials. There’s a lot of TPE/TPR and other porous materials out there, including the extremely popular and well-rated Tenga and Fleshlight products. This means that they will harbour bacteria, degrade over time, and ultimately not last all that long. So I was really pleased to see that, like the whole Mantric range (including the Mantric Wand I reviewed last year) this penis masturbator from Lovehoney is made entirely of silicone.

Mantric Masturbator

The Mantric penis masturbator is cylindrical, open at one end and closed at the other. The outside is black and features a subtle geometric pattern. Inside, the silicone is the dark pinkish-red that characterises the Mantric range, and is gently ribbed – presumably, to enhance pleasure. On one side of the internal wall is a small hump. This is where the motor sits and the vibrations are concentrated. The total internal length is only about 3 inches. This toy is very light and sits comfortably even in my very small hand.

The Mantric masturbator is USB rechargeable, with a use time of about 90 minutes for a 100 minute charge. It retails for £49.99 at Lovehoney UK ($64.99 in the US.)

Buttons & Settings

The Mantric penis masturbator on a light wooden floor.

The Mantric masturbator has an extremely simple one-button interface. You press the button once to switch one, then again to cycle through the settings, and you hold it down for two seconds to switch off. The simplicity of this type of interface is, as always, undermined by the annoyance of only being able to scroll through the settings on one direction. Up/down buttons on toys, people – please!

There are five settings in total – constant vibration and four different patterns. The other cool feature this toy has is a travel-lock. So you don’t need to worry about it switching on in your bag!

Care and Cleaning

I was worried about how difficult it might be to clean this product. Thankfully, it’s fully waterproof and submersible. This means cleaning it is… if not the easiest, at least much easier than I expected. I used warm water, a clean cloth and my index and middle fingers to clean the inside thoroughly, and then left it out to dry thoroughly. For a quick in-between clean, wiping it out with a sterile medical wipe should be fine. Being silicone, you can be assured of a full clean and not worry about it going moldy or holding on to any yucky bacteria.

In Use

I was really excited to use this product. Mr CK very much enjoys vibrations on his penis, so I thought it would be a great toy for him. Unfortunately, it really fell down in practice.

I can’t tell you this without it coming across as an #explanabrag, but it is honest-to-God true – his cock didn’t really fit! The diameter of the inside canal is only about 1.5″. This is far too narrow for anyone who is even slightly above average in the penis department.

We used a metric fuck-tonne of lube, both on his cock and inside the toy, but he had to really force to get even part way inside. An extremely tight squeeze is not, contrary to what ridiculous virginity-fetishists would have you believe, conducive to a fun or sexy time! He described it as uncomfortable-to-painful.

The other thing, and I’m giggling remembering this as I write the review, is that whenever he tried to insert his cock into this toy it made… um, a rude-sounding noise. Yeah, it sounded like a super loud fart noise. A+ for making us fall about laughing, but significantly less points for actual functionality.

This toy might work for people with cocks on the smaller side (which there is absolutely nothing wrong with!) But if you’re even slightly above average, there’s a decent chance your penis simply won’t fit inside it properly.

Our other complaint was that the vibrations are not very strong. Now, it’s possible that Mr CK has been spoiled by my using the Doxy on his cock, but penis shafts have less nerve endings than clitorises (and they’re less concentrated) so many penis-owners find stronger vibrations are better. Even if he’d been able to get his cock in properly, the vibrations are too weak to lead to orgasm.

Overall, a great concept and I absolutely applaud Lovehoney for making a penis toy out of pure silicone. Unfortunately, the functionality just isn’t quite there yet.

What should you buy instead?

I really wanted to recommend this product. There are so few silicone penis masturbators on the market that to negatively review one feels awful. Unfortunately, for most people I cannot recommend this toy. If you’re after a vibrating toy for your penis, try the Hot Octopuss Pulse III, which is extraordinary – or get a wand vibrator and a penis wand attachment. We really like the Hummer attachment – though we wish it was silicone, as the TPE is porous and will degrade over time.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this product exchange for an honest review. All opinions are, as ever, entirely my own. Afiliate links appear in this post.

Header image for Hot Octopuss Atom review

[Toy Review] Hot Octopuss Atom Cock Ring

Published on by Amy

Remember that terrible cock ring I reviewed (read: made fun of mercilessly) a few months back? This is… not that.

I adore Hot Octopuss. Their innovative products, their anti-stigma work and their community-minded stance all put them firmly in my “Amy’s Favourite Companies” list.

I’ve previously reviewed their Queen Bee and Pocket Pulse, and was thrilled to receive the new Atom Cock Ring to test.

Let’s Take a Look, Shall We?

The purpose of cock rings is to keep blood in the penis in order to make a person’s erection harder and bring about a stronger climax. Vibrating rings have the added bonus of providing clitoral stimulation during penetrative sex. It’s a simple premise, but one that is so often executed really badly.

Hot Octopuss Atom cock ring

Hot Octopuss describes Atom as “the next generation in cock rings”. It retails for £49.95 directly from the manufacturer.

The Atom is a stretchy black silicone ring, with a large contact area with a raised nub to sit against the clitoris. It is adorned with a simple metallic-coloured ABS band with the company’s crown logo, on which the up/down speed buttons sit. The company name is also stamped into the silicone. The aesthetic is minimalist, masculine, and sexy as hell. Also provided is a useful little drawstring storage pouch.

The Atom is rechargeable via a USB cable, and completely waterproof – useful if shower sex is your thing! It is controlled via three simple buttons, and has six settings in total – constant vibrations and five different patterns. Each one of these can be adjusted up or down in intensity.

A word for the girthier penis-owners: you’re gonna need lube, friends! This ring’s diameter is only about 1.5″ so, though it is nice and stretchy and should sit comfortably once it’s on, you should be sure to use plenty of lube to slide it into place without discomfort. As ever, use water-based lube with silicone toys.

Body-Safe and Easy to Clean

The entire surface of the Atom is coated in super soft, silky silicone. The decorative band is ABS plastic. This means it both feels lovely and is completely body-safe and non-porous. As it’s waterproof, it is also easy to clean with warm water and some gentle soap. For a quick clean, as ever I recommend toy wipes or body-safe sterile wipes (I buy in bulk from medical supply sites).

When it comes to cleaning, the only issue is the seam where the band connects to the main body of the toy. This area could be a germ trap, so take extra care when cleaning it.

Oh, and a quick note on matte silicone: as a material, it picks up lint and fluff like nobody’s business. Expect to have to give your toy a quick rinse before use if it’s been in storage for a while. It’s generally a good idea to do this anyway.

What We Loved

The Atom boasts by far the strongest vibrations I have ever felt from a cock-ring. They are powerful, rumbly and on all levels, immensely satisfying. My limited experience with vibrating cock-rings in the past has been that they are so weak as to be either pointless or annoying. No such problems here! The vibrations are more than strong enough for even my power-queen clit. Finally, Hot Octopuss have made a cock-ring that will actually give the clitoris-owner some pleasure when used during PIV sex!

It was also tight enough to actually have the desired effect of giving my partner a stronger, harder and longer-lasting erection.

Of course, I also love that it’s body-safe, well made, and from a company whose ethics and business practices I trust.

What We Didn’t Love

The biggest problem with this toy from my perspective is in the placement of the buttons. They are, as I mentioned, situated on either end of the ABS band across the top of the toy. (The on/off/change pattern button is separate, and is embedded into the silicone just below the “down” control). This button placement means that changing the settings during sex is difficult and will almost certainly interrupt your flow. We had to pause to look more closely at which button was which, and then to change between the settings. The single biggest improvement Hot Octopuss could make to this toy, should they bring out a second edition, would be to include a remote control.

There are no other major issues. We do have the issue that Mr CK likes patterns while I like constant vibrations, but that’s definitely an us problem (/excuse for him to torment me, because I have a teasing and denial kink).

Atom or Atom Plus?

Hot Octopuss actually released two cock-rings last year, the Atom and the Atom Plus. I have not tried the Plus personally; however, I will tell you what I know about it so that you can make an informed choice about which to get.

Whereas the Atom features one motor primarily designed for clitoral stimulation, the Plus has two. (“The world’s first cock-ring to house dual integrated motors,” according to Hot Octopuss. Exciting!) The second motor offers intense stimulation of the perineum, the area between the testicles and anus which is extremely pleasurable for many people. So if you’re into this kind of stimulation, you might want to get the Plus. If you’re not fussed, you can stick with the Atom. The Atom is worn just around the shaft of the penis, whereas the Plus goes around both the penis and balls. The Plus is, of course, physically bigger and more expensive – it retails for £69.95.

So do we recommend it?

Yes, we do. It’s really hard to find quality, body-safe toys with good motors for people with penises. Hot Octopuss are ahead of the curve in redressing that balance. If you’re a fan of cock-rings and looking for something to take your sex to the next level, or if you’re after clitoral stimulation for you or your partner during penetrative sex, you can’t go wrong with the Atom.

In Mr CK’s words: “hands down the best cock-ring I have ever used!”

A banner ad for sex toy company Hot Octopuss, who sponsored a post on sex and mental health

Thank you to Hot Octopuss for sending me the Atom cock-ring in exchange for an impartial review. I am an affiliate with Hot Octopuss and if you buy any product from them directly using the affiliate links in this post, I will make a small commission. The Atom (and Atom Plus) are also stocked by SheVibe and Peepshow Toys, for my non-European readers. Thanks also, as always, to Mr CK and his extremely patient Stunt Cock for allowing me to do strange things to his genitals in the name of journalism. 

Pictures of product by me, other graphics by Hot Octopuss. 

Header image for Lovehoney Hummer review

[Toy Review] Lovehoney Hummer Penis Masturbator Wand Attachment

Published on by Amy

There are things that are a given when it comes to “being in a relationship with Amy”. You must have coffee in the house. I will make puns at you. And now, it seems, I will ask you to put strange things on your genitals so that I can overshare about it on the internet.

Thankfully, my stunt cock Mr C&K is a good sport, so he agreed to try out the Hummer wand attachment so I could bring this review to you all.

The Hummer clear male masturbator wand attachment sitting on my laptop.

A note about terms: this toy is listed as “male masturbator attachment”. However, I have chosen to use the language of “penis masturbator,” because not everyone with a penis is a man and not all men have penises! I would like to invite all sex writers and sex-positive retailers to consider their language in this area and not ascribe genders to body parts unnecessarily.

With That Out of the Way, Let’s Take a Closer Look at the Hummer…

The Hummer penis masturbator wand attachment on the Lovehoney Classic Wand on a white sheet.

The Hummer is a wand attachment for people with penises. It’s essentially a tube, lined with ridges and little nodules. You put it over the head of your wand and insert your penis into the tube, which then transmits vibrations all along your shaft.

It will fit the majority of wand vibrators. We used it with my Lovehoney Classic Wand and it was perfect, but it will also fit the Magic Wand Original, Doxy Original or Die Cast, and most standard-sized wands. The circumference is 7 inches, and it’s very stretchy.

Materials, Care and Cleaning

This attachment is made of TPE (thermoplastic elastomer). TPE is technically considered non-toxic in that it doesn’t contain harmful plasticisers like phthalates, but it is porous. This means it will harbour mold and bacteria, can only be cleaned at surface level, and cannot ever be fully sterilised. The material is also unstable and WILL break down over time.

Unfortunately, the vast majority of penis masturbators are made of TPE. At time of writing, I have only been able to find one wand attachment for penises made of silicone. Let me know if you know of others!

I’m less against TPE for penis toys than I am for insertable toys, simply because the outer skin of the penis is much less likely to pick up an infection than a mucous membrane such as the inside of the vagina or anus. However, I still advise approaching TPE products with caution and always choosing silicone instead where options exist.

If you get a TPE wand topper or masturbator like this one, you should clean it with gentle soap and warm water (do not boil) and allow it to dry thoroughly, and check it for mold/black spots/damage to the material before every use. With infrequent use, it might last a year. If you’re using it more often, though, I recommend replacing every 3-6 months. You can probably extend its life slightly by using a condom, but ultimately this is a product that simply won’t last. TPE sex toys should DEFINITELY not be shared.

Our Experience

In terms of experience, this one was an absolute hit with Mr C&K. We used it after having penetrative sex for a while, so he was already quite turned on.

Mr C&K is on the larger-than-average side, as cocks go, and I did initially look at the size of the tube on the Hummer and go “LOL NO that’s not gonna fit”. However, the Hummer is super stretchy and so, with a very generous helping of lube, he slid into it comfortably. The material is quite grabby, so regardless of penis size I recommend lube with this attachment. Water-based is best for TPE toys.

I switched on the wand and I was immediately impressed with the strength of his reaction. People often forget that vibrators are not just for vulvas! Lots of penis owners seriously get off with vibrations, and a tube-style wand attachment like this one is a great way to distribute vibrations evenly along and around the shaft of the penis.

Suffice to say he came very hard and very fast. In terms of user experience at least, we declared this one a winner.

“Surprisingly effective!” – Mr C&K

“Felt like a wrap-around Doxy!” – Mr C&K

So Do We Recommend It?

Mixed.

I’m really loathe to wholeheartedly endorse a TPE toy. I really, really want someone to create a version of this made of silicone. That said, we really enjoyed using it and it gave my partner an amazing orgasm.

If you’re willing to replace it every few months, have at it. If you want something that’ll last you forever, this unfortunately isn’t it.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the Hummer and a collection of other wand attachments for review. Check out the wand attachments tag for all reviews in this series. If you buy using my affiliate links in this post, I make a small commission. All views are, and will always be, my own.