[Toy Review] Hot Octopuss Kurve

Every now and then, I get my hands on a sex toy that is so pretty that it delights me just to look at it. Even more occasionally, that toy is as good in function as in form. The new Kurve by Hot Octopuss is one such toy.

Meet Kurve

Kurve is a new vibrator for folks with vulvas from Hot Octopuss, pioneers of sex toy innovations. At first glance, it looks like a fairly standard, curved G-spot vibrator – but it is so much more than that.

Hot Octopuss Kurve g-spot vibrator

The Kurve features dual-motor, patented Treble and Bass technology, the same technology used in the Jett (a wonderfully creative toy for penis owners.) But instead of sitting in two separate pieces, Kurve brings both motors together in one creative and

As I mentioned, my first impression of the Kurve is just how pretty it is. The silicone body is a rich burgundy colour, and the plastic handle fades from burgundy to black. When I held it up to show my partner and metamour on camera, they declared it “essentially the aubergine emoji in a sex toy!”

The Kurve is just over 7.5″ in length, of which around 5″ is insertable, and 1.6″ in diameter. It weighs 189g.

The Kurve is fully waterproof, USB rechargeable via the included cable, and comes with a silky black storage bag with Hot Octopuss branding.

Let’s Talk About That Shape, Tho…

Curved toys are usually a big hit with me because they’re fabulous for targeted G-spotting. Kurve’s, well, curve is near perfect. Not only that, but the bulbous head is soft and squishy while the rest of the shaft is rigid.

Hot Octopuss Kurve g-spot and clitoral vibrator

Even before we bring the vibes into the equation, Kurve won me over as a G-spotting dildo alone. Bonus: the plastic handle is comfortable and ergonomic to hold and manipulate.

All About That Bass (and Treble)

So here’s where things get really fun! The Kurve’s unique selling point is based on its two motor, treble and bass design. What does that mean, exactly?

The toy contains two distinct motors. The “treble” vibrates at a high frequency, while the “bass” gives a deeper sensation. In common sex-toy-reviewer parlance, we might think of the treble as the “buzz” and the bass as the “rumble.”

The beauty of the Kurve is that you can use the two motors together or separately, and at different levels. So if you want a little buzz and a lot of rumble or vice-versa, you can do that. If you want a lot of both? Yep, that’s available, too.

I’m not a big fan of buzzy vibrations generally – as a rule, I’m all about the rumble. But holy shit, this toy when they’re both on together…. wowwwww. The multi-layered stimulation is super intense and I’m super here for it. I actually found that it felt best when I laid it along one side of my vulva and allowed the vibrations to thrum through my labia to my clit.

Controls

Kurve’s controls require a little getting used to, though they’re fairly intuitive once you learn which button does what. The treble and bass controls are conveniently marked on the handle.

Hot Octopuss Kurve vibrator for g-spot and clitoral stimulation

There are also two small buttons, one that turns both the treble and bass off simultaneously, and one that switches between patterns. The Kurve has 5 patterns and each motor has 5 speeds.

The buttons are raised, making it easy to find them without looking, and easy to press. Once you’ve memorised which side is treble and which is bass, you can operate the toy completely by feel.

Final Verdict

The Kurve is a damn good toy.

I do have a couple of small complaints that I hope will be ironed out in subsequent versions. Most notably, the seam between the silicone shaft and plastic handle is uneven in a way that is a little unsightly on an otherwise luxurious looking toy (not to mention a potential bacteria trap.) It would also be nice to be able to control patterns independently for each motor, as well as speed.

In the scheme of things, though, they’re small issues and this is a great product that I heartily recommend and that has earned a place in my quick-grab toy basket.

The Kurve retails for £99.

Thanks to Hot Octopuss for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. All views, as always, are mine. Affiliate links appear in this post.

What to Do if Medication is Messing with Your Pleasure

Unfortunately, sexual side effects are incredibly common with numerous types of medication. Antidepressants including SSRIs and MOAIs, blood pressure medications, and certain hormonal meds are just some of the commonly prescribed drugs that can affect sexual function.

The impact can include loss of arousal, erectile issues, pain during sex, and anorgasmia. Obviously, not everyone who takes medication experiences these issues and not everyone will experience them to the same extent. But they are super common.

Please note that I am not a medical professional, so I have kept my advice here in the realm of sex and relationship advice, not medical advice.

With that disclaimer out of the way, what can you do if medication is messing with your sexual pleasure?

Talk to your doctor

You shouldn’t have to choose between medication that helps you, and a happy and pleasurable sex life. You should be able to have both! If you’re suffering from sexual side effects, talk to your doctor.

A good doctor will work with you to find a medication solution that helps you without damaging your sex life. If your doctor dismisses you or doesn’t think sexual pleasure is important, fire that doctor and get a new one if you possibly can.

Sex matters to many of us. It’s a quality of life issue. You deserve to get medical support and be taken seriously.

Expand your definition of sex

If you can’t or don’t want to change your medication, you can get creative to enjoy a healthy and fulfilling sex life. Are you defining sex as just one thing? Too many people still think “sex” refers only to penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus penetration.

If you’re not able to do those things right now, or finding them less pleasurable, expanding your definition of sex can open up a new world of fun. What if sex didn’t have to involve penetration? What if sex didn’t have to involve orgasm?

You might also find that taking the pressure off, by focusing on things other than penetration or orgasm or whatever you’re struggling with, will actually make it easier for those things to happen. Pressure and stress are huge desire-killers.

Experiment with toys

For example, if you have a penis and are struggling with erectile issues, why not try a toy like the Hot Octopuss Pulse? This innovative toy is designed to work equally well on a flaccid or hard penis.

If you’re struggling with loss of sensation or reduced sensation, a very powerful vibrator can help. When I suffered from anorgasmia due to antidepressants, it was a wand vibrator that finally broke through the block.

If erection struggles are at play but you want to do penetrative sex with your partner, it’s completely okay to use a strap-on! This can give you the sensation of fucking without the pressure and stress of wondering whether your body will cooperate.

Communicate

I know too many people who have struggled through sex that was not pleasurable, or was even painful, because they didn’t want to let their partner down.

However, a partner who loves and respects you will want to understand your experience and support you. Talk to them about where you’re at and how you’re feeling.

You deserve great sex, and great (partnered) sex is a collaborative process. So be honest with your partner and share your experience. If you want their help, ask for it. If you just want their patience and understanding while you adjust, ask for that too.

Fight self-blame and shame

There’s no shame in what you’re going through right now. Sexual problems are still hugely stigmatised and, unfortunately, so are certain types of medication (such as antidepressants). However, please try to avoid getting into a shame cycle or blaming yourself.

If you’re struggling with shame, reach out to others who have had similar experiences, ask your partner for reassurance and support, or talk to a therapist.

You have nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about!

The #SexEdSeptember logo, for a post about medication and sex

This post is part of my #SexEdSeptember series. If you find my work useful, you can help me keep doing this by buying me a coffee! This post contains affiliate links.

[Toy Review] Hot Octopuss Jett

I find myself in an interesting position: reviewing a toy designed for people with penises, when I myself do not have a penis. I’ve had the Hot Octopuss Jett sitting in my to-review pile for a ridiculously long time. Fortunately, the team have been incredibly patient in waiting for me to get this out.

Let’s jump in, shall we?

The Hot Octopuss Jett

The Jett, by Hot Octopuss, is an interesting cock-ring/vibrator combo. It consists of a three-part silicone sleeve. One hole is for the penis to go through, and the other two fit the Jett’s two removable bullet vibrators. The bullets are attached with wires to the remote control, which also houses the batteries.

The Hot Octopuss Jett

On a person with a cock, the toy is designed to be worn against the frenulum, just below the tip of the penis. Like this:

The Hot Octopuss Jett on the Godemiche Adam dildo
Stunt cock: Godemiche Adam

The stretchy sleeve expands as the penis engorges, and the toy purports to deliver hands-free orgasms to penis owners. Not having the required anatomy, I cannot comment from personal experience, but other reviews I’ve read imply that this is an accurate summary.

The Hot Octopuss Jett requires 4 AA batteries, which are not included. It comes with a silky Hot Octopuss branded storage bag. The Jett is not waterproof.

All about the Bass (and Treble)

So here’s the ridiculously cool thing about the Hot Octopuss Jett: the two vibrating bullets vibrate at different frequencies! In sex toy parlance, that means that one of the vibes is super deep and rumbly, while the other is more surface-level and buzzy.

Because you can control the speed of each bullet completely independently, you can adjust them until you find the combo that’s perfect for you. It’s basically two vibrators in one. Each bullet has six intensity settings.

The buttons are large plus/minus symbols, easy to press and easy to feel without looking. Pro tip: before you start playing, take a second to work out which button is controlling which bullet. The last thing you want is to turn the wrong one down at a critical moment!

The Hot Octopuss Jett control panel

The Jett also has 10 vibration patterns you can scroll through using the small button in the middle of the remote.

Care and cleaning

The Jett is made of a combination of two body-safe materials: silicone and ABS plastic. Add a bit of water-based lube for added comfort and enjoyment!

As the Jett is not waterproof, you’ll need to clean it carefully. The best way to do this is to wipe the bullets down with a body-safe medical wipe. You can sterilise the silicone sleeve using either the boil method or a 10% bleach solution.

Take the batteries out in between uses and they’ll last longer.

So how did I get on with it?

There’s never just one way to use a sex toy. (I mean, sometimes there are zero ways that make any sense, but I digress). Therefore, being the creative sex blogger that I am, I thought I’d set out to find ways to use the Hot Octopuss Jett as a vulva toy.

The most obvious use is to simply detach the bullets from the sleeve and use one or both of them as a clitoral vibrator. I tried this first, and hoooooooly shit.

The rumbly bullet (that’s the “Bass” side) is packing some serious power. I’m not exaggerating when I say this is the most powerful and rumbly battery-powered toy I’ve ever tried. Many rechargeables cannot hold a candle to this. If you like power and rumbles, and don’t mind some slightly fiddly wires, look no further.

The Hot Octopuss Jett brought me to orgasm in under 5 minutes, which is an extremely impressive feat for anything that isn’t a mains powered wand.

Naturally, I tried the buzzy side (the “Treble”) too. It wasn’t bad, as buzzy vibes go, but I’m just not really a fan in general. If you like more surface-level vibrations, though, it might suit you fine.

The other way for vulva owners to use this toy is to keep both bullets in the sleeve and press it against the clit. The advantage of doing it this way is that you can use the cock ring part as a little handle, or even slide two fingers through it and hold the toy in place that way.

The Hot Octopuss Jett in a womans hand

This method was a success, too. The silicone dampens the intensity of the vibrations a little, but not too much. This is the best way to use this toy on a vulva if you want to make the most of the treble/bass combo and the combined power of both bullets.

One little complaint: one of the wires tends to come loose during use, causing one of the bullets to cut out. Luckily it’s the buzzier bullet that has this issue on my Jett, so I don’t care as much, but it’s still kinda annoying.

Do I recommend it?

I’m really, really impressed with the Hot Octopuss Jett. Between this and the awesome Amo, this company are absolutely knocking it out of the park lately.

I heartily recommend the Jett. Yes, it’s designed with penises in mind, but it’s brilliant for vulvas too. New to sex toys and not sure if you like buzzy or rumbly vibes? The Jett is a great and relatively inexpensive way to try both and see what you prefer.

The Jett retails for a reasonably priced £49.00. If you buy from Hot Octopuss directly using my affiliate links, I make a small commission at no extra cost to you.

The Hot Octopuss Jett was provided to me in exchange for an honest review. All views, as always, are mine.

Coffee & Kink Valentine’s Day Gift Guide 2020

I understand intellectually that Valentine’s Day is a made-up holiday… and I love it anyway. I’m a soppy hopeless romantic at heart, and a day to celebrate love is fine by me! Of course, I think this should include all forms of love, not just sexual and romantic relationships.

As the Day of Love is fast approaching, I wanted to share with you a few of the products I’ve tried recently and that I think would make ideal gifts, if giving sexy/romantic gifts is something you do in your relationship.

For new partners or nervous beginners: Feeling Foxy Gift Box

The Feeling Foxy subscription box, for a Valentine's 2020 gift guide

What is it? Feeling Foxy is a new gift box subscription service. You sign up initially for 12 months (though you can cancel at any time) and receive a box bi-monthly. Your box is a surprise and will contain a mix of items such as dildos, vibrators, bondage gear, lube and more. Check out my unboxing thread to see what I got in my box.

Who is it good for? These boxes are ideal for people who are just exploring. Whether you and your partner are new to each other, looking to spice things up but not sure where to start, or they’re interested in trying toys but feeling overwhelmed, a subscription box gives you lots of different things to try out. Perfect for figuring out what you like!

Cost: £45 for the “Play Time” box (4+ items,) £85 for the “More Play Time” box (6+ items.)

For power queens and clit-stim connoisseurs: Wand by We-Vibe

The We-Vibe Wand, for a 2020 Valentine's Day gift guide

What is it? Did anyone else let out an actual squee when they heard We-Vibe were releasing a wand? Yeah, me too! Simply named Wand, this toy combines We-Vibe’s signature strong, rumbly motors and app connectivity with nifty new innovations such as Smart Silence touch-sensitive tech, all packaged in the classic wand style we know and love. It even comes with two awesome attachments for more versatile play.

Who is it good for? People who love POWER POWER POWER! Wand by We-Vibe is the most powerful cordless toy on the market right now.

Cost: £159.99 UK, $170 US.

For whimsical romantics: Hot For You colour changing underwear

Plus size model wearing the Hot For You lingerie from Lovehoney. For 2020 Valentine's gift guide

What is it? Hot For You is Lovehoney’s 2020 Valentine’s range. The little heart or flame motifs change from black to red as your body temperature rises.

Who is it good for? This is a cute, inexpensive gift ideal for those who love a touch of playful sillyness with their romance.

Cost: £19.99 for the bra and knickers set (also available in plus size!) or £14.99 for the thong for cock-owners.

For luxurious lingerie lovers: Wild Blooms

A white female-bodied person wearing the Lovehoney Wild Blooms embroidered body. For Valentine's gift guide 2020

What is it? This brings a whole new meaning to giving your lover flowers! Wild Blooms is an absolutely stunning range of beautiful lingerie by Lovehoney. The pieces are made of a soft black mesh and embroidered with colourful flowers. I’m absolutely in love with my Wild Blooms body – it’s always coming out at play parties.

Who is it for? A sensual and sexy treat for the femme in your life. The aesthetic is both elegant and feminine. Perfect for a Valentine’s night in… or out!

Cost: RRP £44.99 but currently all pieces are reduced to £18 – mega bargain!

For penis owners: The Hot Octopuss Pulse III

Hot Octopuss Pulse Solo. For a 2020 Valentine's gift guide
Hot Octopuss Valentine's Day sale banner 2020

What is it? I know I never stop banging on about this toy but I am absolutely convinced it’s the best toy for dicks on the market. (Not having a dick myself, I am basing this on the many excellent reports I’ve heard!) The Pulse III is a toy for penises which is based on actual medical science. It uses oscillations to stimulate and induce orgasm, and can be used from hard or flaccid.

Who is it for? Great for anyone with a penis who is looking to try a different type of stimulation, change up their masturbation routine, or just get off in a new way!

Cost: £89 for the basic model, £129 for the enhanced Lux model. But all Hot Octopuss toys are buy-one-get-one-half-price until the end of Monday 10 February!

For proud queerdos: Godemiche Pride Ambit

Bi Pride flag dildo. For 2020 Valentine's gift guide

What is it? Godemiche’s Ambit might be the most perfect dildo known to exist (at least for my body!) The shape and curve is just perfect, and they come in a huge array of colours and styles. I own three of them and frankly I want more. (Especially the one called “Sparkly Bisexual” because: MOOD.) Their Pride collection Ambits are styled after a variety of pride flags: Gay/LGBTQ+, bisexual, transgender, genderqueer, pansexual, polysexual and lesbian.

Who is it for? Make your favourite LGBTQ+ person’s Valentine’s by getting them a dildo in the relevant pride flag. What could be more romantic than a gift that says “I see and love who you are… AND I want you to have awesome orgasms?” Plus, £10 of the purchase price will go to support an LGBTQ+ charity.

Cost: £45.99.

What are you hoping to get for Valentine’s Day this year, loves? And what are you giving your sweeties?

Some of the links in this post are affiliate links. Images are either by me or property of the respective retailers and used with permission. All views, as ever, my own.

[Toy Review] Hot Octopuss DiGiT & AMO

I received these products in fairly quick succession, so I decided I’d do something a bit different and try a compareview (that’s a comparison/review!) of Hot Octopuss’s two new toys, the DiGiT finger vibe and the AMO bullet. And, because I enjoy a bit of friendly competition, I’m going to award a point in each section of the review and finish by telling you which one I recommend more!

What’s all the buzz?

Hot Octopuss burst onto the adult industry scene in 2013 with the Pulse III, a toy for penis-owners that utilises PulsePlate, a patented technology based on medical science (read more here if you’re a dork, like me. It’s fascinating.) Since then, they’ve branched out, with products including an oscillating toy for vulvas, vibrating cock-rings, and a mini version of the Pulse. Their latest two offerings are DiGiT and AMO, pictured above.

DiGiT is a finger-vibrator, with two plastic loops at the base. You pop two fingers through these loops and the shaft of the vibe rests against the length of one finger, essentially becoming an extension of your hand while you play.

AMO is a more traditional bullet vibe, with a shaft that widens at the top and offers one side that has a gentle curve and one with a pinpoint tip for more targeted stimulation.

Stats, Size and Other Important Things

DiGiT and AMO are both USB rechargeable, giving around 40 minutes of running time on a full charge. I would really prefer a longer battery life – it often takes me 20-30 minutes to reach orgasm, which functionally means having to charge the toy before every session.

Both toys are USB rechargeable and waterproof.

Size-wise, there’s not much in it either. DiGiT is slightly heavier (58g to the AMO’s 43g) while AMO is a little longer (9.5cm vs DiGiT’s 8.7cm.)

The Hot Octopuss DiGiT and AMO vibrators lying on a white sheet.
Left: DiGiT. Right: AMO.

The main shaft of both toys is made of soft and body-safe black silicone. The bases (and, in DiGIT’s case, the finger loops) are plastic. A generous slather of water-based lube will improve your experience! They’re a bit small to easily use with condoms, though you could if you felt so inclined. Because these toys are waterproof, you can clean them with gentle soap and warm water. To sterilise them more thoroughly, use a body-safe medical wipe before washing normally.

These toys are designed to be used externally. You could use them inside the vagina if you wished, but they are not anal-safe (especially AMO, which has nothing at all to stop the toy disappearing inside – just don’t risk it, please.)

Thus far, it’s a draw.

Innovation

Now, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with taking a tried-and-true formula and doing it well! Bullet vibes are pretty much a staple in the adult industry – almost every major toy company I can think of have one in their product line. AMO does, however, have an edge over the standard bullet vibes that are everywhere, in that the unique shape really does add something extra (more on that later!)

DiGiT is a more unusual idea. While wear-it-on-your-finger vibrators do, of course, exist elsewhere, all the ones I’ve ever tried have either been made of unsafe materials, had such weak vibrations that my finger could do a better job by itself, or both. The two-loops design is also something I haven’t seen before and makes the toy more comfortable to wear.

DiGiT wins the innovation round!

Aesthetics

Hot Octopuss toys have a distinct style to them, and these two are no exception. DiGiT’s base and finger loops are a kind of brown/bronze colour with a gold band separating the base from the shaft. The Hot Octopuss name is stamped into the silicone on the side of the toy and the crown logo is embossed on one of the finger loops. After just a couple of uses, though, this logo started to rub off. AMO’s plastic base is a dark red at the bottom which fades to black where it blends with the main body at the join. The company name is embossed on the side of the base. Both toys have the Hot Octopuss crown logo stamped on the bottom of their base.

The base of the Hot Octopuss AMO vibrator with the company's crown logo stamped into it.

Aesthetics-wise, AMO wins for me. They’re both perfectly attractive toys but the red and black is such a stylish and sexy combo.

Settings and Controls

On both toys, the on/off/change setting button is on one side of the shaft and the up/down speed buttons are on the other.

The button placement is kinda awkward on the DiGiT. Because it was attached to the fingers of my wanking hand, I could only change the settings by either curling my thumb under at a really unnatural angle or bringing my other hand into play.

The Hot Octopuss DiGiT on s woman's hand.

Full disclosure, though: I’m left-handed. I did also try the toy on my right hand and this does, indeed, make the button placement feel somewhat more intuitive (the up/down buttons are perfectly placed to press them with your thumb). It loses points for me, though, for being significantly less accessible and user-friendly for lefties like myself.

The button placement is much less of an issue on the AMO simply because of the way you use it. When I used it in my left hand, the speed buttons were well placed to easily push with my index finger.

DiGiT has five speeds and five patterns, while AMO has six speeds and five patterns

AMO takes the point again for user-friendliness and for that one additional speed.

Which is more powerful?

They’re… honestly identical.

I haven’t confirmed this with Hot Octopuss directly but I would be stunned if it was not the exact same motor in both toys.

To a power-queen like myself, these toys are what I would define as middling-powerful. The vibrations are strong and reasonably rumbly, but not blow-your-socks-off. They’re both slow-build toys for me; not powerful enough to get me off in five minutes, but certainly not “vainly smooshing it against my clitoris and vainly hoping I feel SOMETHING” either.

It’s a draw on this one.

My experience in use

I enjoyed using both of these toys. However, I don’t see myself reaching for the DiGiT for solo play very often in the future. AMO, though, has joined the pile of regular, reliable toys which lives in the easy access basket by my bed.

The reason for this is simple: the shapes! DiGiT’s smooth surface felt perfectly nice, but AMO’s pinpoint tip really blew me away. Unless the vibrations in a toy are EXTREMELY powerful, I tend to need fairly concentrated clitoral stimulation to get maximum enjoyment out of it. The AMO’s shape is perfect for angling against my clit for just the right level of direct stimulation. Mmmm!

No contest in this one: AMO wins hands-down.

Price

DiGiT retails for £59 directly from Hot Octopuss, and AMO retails for £49.

The price difference here makes this an easy one – AMO takes another point.

So which one should I get?

As we’ve seen, these toys are functionally quite similar in a number of ways. I enjoyed using both of them, and will certainly use them again. However, thanks to its aesthetic, that delicious pinpoint tip, and the slightly cheaper price, I personally recommend AMO over DiGiT.

A special discount just for you…

From right now until 23 December 2019, my readers can get 20% off both DiGiT and AMO! Just buy directly from Hot Octopuss using my links and enter code CAK20. You’re welcome!

Thanks to Hot Octopuss for sending me these products to review. All views are, as ever, completely my own. Affiliate links are contained within this post.

[Interview] Kayla Lords, Smutlancer Extraordinaire and Editor-in-Chief of The Big Fling

I used to joke that I would know I’d “made it” as a writer when I had a column. Well now I have one! (Though I’m not sure I actually feel I’ve “made it” after all.) My wonderful friend Kayla is now Editor in Chief of The Big Fling, “a community of writers using sex positivity and good info to fight toxic masculinity in dating, hookups, and relationships”. I pitched and was commissioned to write an article on polyamory earlier this year. Shortly after that, Kayla approached me and asked me to write a monthly column all about consensual non-monogamy in its many forms. I was only too happy to say “hell yes!” So when I started my most recent interview series, I was thrilled to chat to Kayla once again about her work at TBF and beyond.

A picture of Kayla Lords cuddling a big teddy bear

Tell us a little bit about you and the work you do?

While I’ve been a sex blogger since 2012 and a kinky podcaster since 2015, I’ve worked with adult brands and companies for the past several years as well. These days I’m also the editor in chief of The Big Fling which means my job is content! In the beginning I wrote content, and now we’re able to invite writers to pitch their ideas and contribute to the website. My job is to work with writers, look over their pitches, ask questions and give feedback when appropriate, and publish good sex-positive writing.

So what’s this Big Fling all about and how did you come to be involved?

When I was approached about working with The Big Fling, they had big dreams. For years, they’ve been a site where (primarily) cishet guys go to learn about dating apps, phone chat lines, and chat sites for hookups. But an opportunity was being missed in the process — to help the people who visit the site have better, healthier experiences.

Not everyone wants to be in a long-term relationship, but the toxicity of interactions that some guys have is scary, and born from not enough good sex education. The Big Fling decided it wasn’t enough to point them in the direction of where to find a date or hookup, but to teach people how to do it all in a better, more sex-positive way. They reached out to me and asked me to write for them. Over several weeks, they began to share their larger vision with me, of becoming a community of writers, and I was excited to help them execute the plan.

How is The Big Fling different from other adult-oriented sites out there?

Having written for many different relationship, dating, and sexuality sites over the years, what I find to be different about The Big Fling is that we know we’re talking to guys who might only be thinking of the sex they want to have… but we do it in a way that speaks to them where they’re at and says, “You’re smart enough to know better, and here’s what you need to know to be better.”

We don’t assume our readers all want to get married or have long-term relationships, but we don’t assume they’re being led around by their penis (or other sexual organs) either. So instead of the “typical” cishet-oriented site that only shows mostly naked women or assumes they’re all out to hit-it-and-quit-it, we talk to them like we’d talk to our friends. We also never assume we know the sexuality, tastes, desires, or identity of anyone who lands on our site.  

What would you say is the main ethos of the site?

We want to combat toxic masculinity in the world of dating, sex, and relationships by letting the average cishet male reader know that their desires are okay, their feelings are okay, and that there’s another way to exist in the world beyond what society taught them. We know we can’t fix toxic masculinity on our own, but we can do our small part to build a more sex-positive world.

I love that! If authors want to get involved with writing for you, how do they do so?

Pitch me, but read over the guidelines first. As a writer, I know how hard it is to pitch, and not a lot of sites tell you what they want which is frustrating. Hopefully I’m the least intimidating editor you’ll ever meet, but I also expect writers to read and follow the guidelines given. So do that, then pitch

I can vouch for you being the kindest and least intimidating editor! So you’ve published loads of great writers, but who would be your dream guest contributor, if money was no object?

For me, I don’t have a guest contributor. My dream, if money was no object, would be to publish as many great writers as possible and to accept every good idea that I receive. That’s the dream. I want to put out as much interesting, high quality sex-positive content as possible, to publish more writers, and to reach as many readers as possible.

What’s one thing you really wish people would STOP asking you?

I get two questions that I’d love to never hear again:

1) “How do you do it all?” I hate this partly because I’m well aware of what I’m NOT doing, so when someone asks how I do it all, my anxiety spikes as my brain imagines everything I should be doing. Plus, I love what I do (okay, maybe not the tedious parts of my work, but I love most of what I do), and so it’s not a burden or strain to work a little longer or give up my free time to work on my blogs or do freelance work. But I do have to be careful not to overwork or I’ll make myself sick or trigger my mental illnesses (I have generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, and bipolar disorder — that’s about as fun as you might imagine, especially when deadlines loom).

2) “How do I have a relationship like the one you have with John Brownstone?” I really don’t mind the question. It’s seeing the look in people’s eyes when I give the answer (their eyes tend to glaze over). We met online and connected from the beginning, but it wasn’t love or lust at first sight. I fought my feelings for him every step of the way, refusing to believe that I deserved him. So when I say take the time to develop trust between you and be willing to say difficult things, I mean that.

Without those two factors, I couldn’t have let go of most of my baggage to be with him. I had to be willing to do as much work as he was willing to do. Our love and respect are mutual, and we fought our own individual battles to be together. A lot of people want quick and easy, and in my experience, quick and easy rarely work. The things that matter take time and patience. So the answer to that question tends to be boring, not at all romantic, and generally unsatisfying to the person who asks…

Oh, fuck. I think the next question on my list is sort of a variation on “how do you do it all?” You do so many things – between Loving BDSM, Smutlancer, your personal website and now Big Fling! What’s your key time management strategy?

Two things: prioritizing my goals, which has always been a struggle because everything feels important all the time, and time blocking (sometimes called calendar blocking). Every single thing in my day (including taking a shower and going to bed) has a slot in my calendar. I block out the time I need to do my day job and be a responsible member of my home, and whatever’s left, I block out for blogging and other projects — with time left for mindless scrolling through social media and other things that don’t count as “work.”

If you could impart one piece of wisdom about sex to everyone in the world, what would it be?

There is no right kind of sex to have, but you’ll never have the right kind of sex for YOU if you aren’t willing to talk about it with your partner. Both partners have to be willing to communicate, and you might have to be the one to speak up first, but the best sex happens when you’ve talked about what you want, what you don’t want, what you’ll do, and what you won’t do. 

Who’s your favourite sex toy manufacturer and why?

It’s always hard to pick just one, but for overall marketing inclusivity and quality of product, I’d say Hot Octopuss. Everything I or my partner, John Brownstone, have tried has been amazing. Really great people work for the company — watch them online, read their blog post, or talk to them in person, and you know they really care about what they do. 

Oh, I love them too! What’s something you used to believe about sex or relationships that you don’t believe any more?

I think I used to believe that only certain people had great sex or relationships. I didn’t know who those certain people were, but I was pretty sure I wasn’t one of them. As the years go by, I continue to learn more and more about what I like and don’t like and what kind of sex and relationships I need and don’t need.

And there is no “type” who gets to have great sex or a solid relationship. Like anything else, it takes hard work and communication, but regardless of our size, age, gender, sexuality, skin color, we are all capable of having whatever kind of sex or relationship we want. It might not be easy (it most definitely isn’t) but if you’re able to find the right person/people, it can be worth it. But part of it begins and ends with embracing who you are as an individual — what you like and what you don’t like, what you need, and what you want. 

And just for fun because it is “Coffee and Kink” – what’s your usual order at Starbucks?

My usual order is a Venti Iced Coffee with four stevia and extra heavy whipping cream — it’s how I get my coffee fix and stick to a Keto diet/lifestyle.

The Big Fling logo for an interview with Kayla Lords

Thanks to Kayla for giving her time to impart her amazing and hard-earned wisdom to us all! Check out all her various projects and give her a follow on Twitter!

[Toy Review] The Godemiche Offbeat

I’ve been sitting on this one for a long damn time, in part because it took us so long to get to actually testing it. But after giving it a second trial run this morning, I am ready to tell you all about the Offbeat, from Godemiche.

It’s no secret that I fucking love Godemiche. This UK-based team run by husband-and-wife duo Adam and Monika have been making gorgeous, hand-poured silicone dildos for a number of years now… and now they’ve branched out into penis toys as well! (And yes, their marketing copy refers to the Offbeat as a “toy for the penis”, not a “toy for men” – hooray! I wish all companies would go this inclusive route).

The Godemiche Offbeat sitting on a red laptop keyboard.

Let’s go OffBeat…

The OffBeat is a tube-shaped silicone masturbator sleeve. Inside it has a simple bobble texture, while the outside has a gentle ripple. Each one has the company name stamped along the rim at the bottom, and the “G” Godemiche logo on the side. Each OffBeat comes in its own little storage tub – it looks like a miniature poster tube. This useful addition makes for easy and hygienic storage.

The Godemiche Offbeat lying on my desk

Sizes and colours and customising, oh my!

OffBeat comes in two sizes: Grande is 5cm in length, and Venti is 10cm in length. (And those who understand will know why these size names made me laugh!) Both sizes are 3cm in diameter. We received the longer Venti version for review. Even this larger size is compact and lightweight. Easy to throw in your bag for a date or a filthy weekend away!

Which size you pick is up to your preferences. If you prefer plenty of concentrated stimulation around the head of your penis, I suggest going for the smaller Grande. Godemiche point out that the Grande is also a great companion to oral sex. Simply tease the head of the penis for a while, then slide the Grande down the shaft and use it to stimulate the base of the penis while giving your partner head, simulating the feeling of a deeper blowjob. The longer Venti, on the other hand, is ideal if you prefer longer strokes and plenty of up-and-down motion. If you’re looking for something that comes closer to simulating penetration, you definitely want to go for the Venti.

The Godemiche Offbeat on a green carpet

One of my favourite things about Godemiche is the sheer variety of colours and styles on offer. Whatever colour toy you want, they can probably make it for you! I have a one-of-a-kind bi pride Ambit that I bought in a charity auction and it’s one of my favourite toys ever. I also bought a gorgeous red Adam in their last sale and I’m lusting HARD after this turquoise glittery Ambit.

The OffBeat currently comes in 6 standard colours, 8 fabulously bright UV colours, and 12 gorgeous pearlescent colours. Ours is pearlescent gold and it’s absolutely beautiful.

A refreshing body-safe offering

Sex toy options for people with penises are often woefully lacking. This is gradually changing as awesome companies like Hot Octopuss, Fun Factory and now Godemiche start offering brilliant cock toys. Unfortunately, most of the strokers on the market are still made of porous and sometimes toxic materials such as jelly, rubber, PVC, TPE/TPR and the notoriously vague “Realistic Feel”.

So of course I am delighted that the OffBeat is made of 100% silicone. This means it is completely body-safe: non-toxic and non-porous.

The Godemiche Offbeat on a purple dildo sticking to some black bathroom wall tiles
Featured Stunt Dildo is the Lovehoney 7 Inch Suction Cup Silicone Dildo

To clean your OffBeat after use, turn it inside out and wash it thoroughly with warm water and gentle soap. Take extra care to ensure that no fluids remain trapped between the bobbles. You can also sterilise your stroker by sticking it in a pan of boiling water for 10 minutes, or running it through the dishwasher in the top rack.

If you want to share the toy with a non fluid-bonded partner, it’s easy to give it a wash between uses or you can just wear a condom, which shouldn’t impede the toy’s performance in any way.

For maximum comfort and pleasure, use a good quality water-based lube. I recommend slathering plenty of lube inside the stroker and also putting some directly on your penis.

So how does it feel?

Now, obviously I don’t have a dick, so I turned to my trusty stunt-cock Mr CK to help me out with this one. His reaction when I lubed up the toy and slid it onto his cock was instantaneous. Apparently the bobbles on the inside of the toy provided a good amount of friction and sensation without needing to grip very hard at all. This may make it a good choice for people who find gripping hard during masturbation difficult, such as those who suffer from pain in their hands. I certainly found it made pleasuring him for a decent length of time easier.

The Godemiche Offbeat on the side of a bath, around a purple dildo

Mr CK also explained that one of the things he likes about this toy is that it is so simple but really makes masturbation feel substantially different from usual. He likened it to the difference between wanking with your dominant vs non-dominant hand, or the difference between masturbating yourself and having someone else do it for you. Basically, if you’re looking to change up your usual masturbation routine, grab yourself one of these!

The gentle ripple shape of the outside of the sleeve means it sits comfortably in the hand, a finger in each dip. We also tried the toy with me pleasuring him with it, and found this was equally true whichever of us was doing the work.

Size-wise, this is a flexible toy. It stretches well and then “hugs” the penis once it’s inside, so would suit a wide variety of penis lengths and girths.

An absolute hit. I think this one is going to live in the “easy access basket” for things we use all the time.

(The Easy Access Basket just needs its own damn post, doesn’t it?)

Do we recommend it?

We really like this toy! It’s simple, highly effective, body-safe, affordable and should suit a wide range of bodies.

OffBeat retails for £25 for the Venti size directly from Godemiche. The smaller Grande size is £20.

Thanks to Godemiche for sending us the OffBeat in exchange for an honest review. All views in this post are our own and images were taken by me. This post contains a couple of affiliate links, which send a small commission my way when you buy from them. Links to Godemiche are non-affiliated.

[Toy Review] Satisfyer Partner Multifun

Ladies, gentlemen, gentlequeers, non-binary babes and all those in between… behold the worst designed sex toy I have ever had the misfortune of putting near my genitals.

I hate being mean about toys. I really do. I always try to find something positive to say. But here, I just… I just can’t.

Basic Details

The Satisfyer Multifun, a pink u-shaped vibrator
Anyone else hate this fucking colour? Yeah, me too.

Partner is a subsection of Satisfyer, a company famed for awesome toys like the Satisfyer Pro 2 Next Generation and the Satisfyer Pro Plus Vibration. That’s why I was so surprised that this offering is such an absolute mess.

The Multifun is a U-shaped toy with two prongs that come almost together at the top. There are two very slight variations – the Multifun 1 is blue and the Multifun 2 is pink, and the ends of the prongs curve in very slightly different ways on each. Again, the difference is tiny.

It contains three motors, one in each of the prongs (which are operated together with a single button) and one in the base (operated separately with a second button). The toy is about 5 inches long in total, 3.5″ being the prongs and 1.5″ the base.

This toy is waterproof and USB rechargeable.

Safe isn’t enough.

The Satisfyer Multifun, a pink u-shaped vibrator
Okay, it’s body-safe, but I don’t want that to be the best thing about a toy!

When I ranted to Mr CK about how terrible this toy is, he pointed out that it’s at least a slight improvement on the terrible jelly cock ring I didn’t really review, in that it is body-safe. And yes, it is. It’s coated entirely in smooth silicone, which is phthalate free, non-porous and non-toxic.

But, as I explained to him, at this point I don’t see “body safe” as enough. I see it as a bare fucking minimum. At this point in my career, “this toy is body safe” is up there with “this food didn’t give me food poisoning.” It’s not a glowing recommendation, it’s a basic expectation.

So yes. This toy is body-safe. Can I say anything else positive about it? I’m honestly really struggling.

In Use

The Satisfyer Multifun, a pink u-shaped vibrator, hanging on a purple suction cup dildo stuck to a wall.
Feat. our shower wall and the Blush Ruse Jammy silicone dildo.

On the back of the box, the good folks at Satisfyer have helpfully included diagrams of different ways to use this toy on both a vulva and a penis. Being the dutiful and diligent toy testers that we are, we tried all of them (except the “hang it off your balls” one, because even Mr CK’s tolerance for doing weird shit to his genitals in the name of journalism has its limits).

They were all… equally terrible? Similarly nonsensical?

Pinching it around my clit was mildly painful for the two seconds it stayed on, and then merely annoying as it kept slipping off. Trying to stick it inside me made absolutely no sense whatsoever as it’s entirely the wrong shape to get anywhere near my G-spot, never mind provide pleasurable sensation. Trying to get it to hang off my nipple like a nipple clamp was merely hilarious (and a complete failure). Hanging it around Mr CK’s cock in various configurations produced no greater reaction than “well… that’s kind of in the way”. Even using it as a straightforward clitoral vibrator didn’t work, because the vibrations were so weak and buzzy that I literally Did Not Feel Anything.

I literally described the vibration quality of this toy to a fellow blogger friend as “akin to a single bee buzzing away on my clit. Not even a hive of bees. Just one.”

Other things I hate

The sound. Good God. This thing doesn’t just buzz, it WHINES.

The buttons. They’re small, fiddly and hard to press.

The ridiculously gendered marketing – “for men, women and couples”. (Ah yes, the three genders?) Seriously though, there are so many better ways to market that your product is suitable for different types of bodies. The diagrams of possible ways to use it with different genital configurations is more than enough. And EVERYTHING can be a toy for couples if you use it with a partner. And as if this wasn’t bad enough, it comes in two colours – baby blue (Multifun 1) and pastel pink (Multifun 2). You know, in case you don’t know which one is for you, they’ve colour coded them for you!

In conclusion…

I hate this toy. I hate it with a burning passion that surprises me. I have never hated a sex toy this much (no, not even the stupid jelly cockring/headlamp, because at least we KNEW that was going to be terrible, and that didn’t have a nearly $50 price tag).

I implore you, do not buy this toy. Your bits deserve better. For a pinpoint clitoral vibrator, get the Blush Nocturnal. For a decent vibrating cock ring, get the Hot Octopuss Atom. For a great toy to wear during penetrative sex, get the WeVibe Sync.

Satisfyer: I still love you. But you dropped the ball on this one. For God’s sake, do better, and test your products on actual humans before you mass produce them.

Thank you to Satisfyer for sending me this product to review. If for some reason you still want to try it, it retails for $49.95. This toy sucked but their other products are great! Affiliate links are used within this post.


Fuck You, 2018 (A Surprisingly Positive Year-End Wrap Up)

A lot of things sucked about 2018. A lot. Two people in our lives passed away far too young.  Politics continues to be a fucking farce. It was generally a bit of a trash-fire.

But there were good things this year. Small good things sometimes, true, but good things nonetheless. So, in time-honoured fashion, here’s a top three round-up before we say goodbye to this hellscape of a year.

3 awesome new sex toys

  1. Blush Exposed Nocturnal Bullet. This little $32 powerhouse was probably the biggest surprise in this year’s reviewing. It’s small, powerful as hell, rumbly, has controls that actually make sense, and is ridiculously affordable. Now we just need a UK retailer to start stocking them.
  2. Womanizer Premium. At the other end of the spectrum, this was the most expensive toy I tried this year. Simply, nothing else quite mimics the sensations this thing produces. And the cool extras such as the Smart Silence feature really pushed it into the “worth the price” bracket for me.
  3. Sola Cue. A surprisingly strong and rumbly mid-priced vibe that I just keep coming back to again and again. A great in-between when a bullet is too pinpoint but a wand is too broad.

3 proudest achievements

  1. Making spot 6 on Molly’s Daily Kiss’ Top 100 Sex Blogs list. Holy fuck.
  2. Making just over £5000 from my blog this year.
  3. Raising £1100 for Abortion Support through Smutathon 2018: #SmutForChoice edition.

3 favourite blog posts

  1. On Weight, Rope, and Grief for the Body I Wanted. This was probably the most painful thing I wrote this year, talking about being fat and not being okay with it and being unable to engage in some of the kinky things I want to do as a result.
  2. Me and My Fur: All About Body Hair. A love letter to my body hair, a tale of learning to love it, and a rant about the negative reactions it gets from society, all in one.
  3. Love Letters to People I’ll Never Fuck. A collection of mini love-letters for Valentine’s Day 2018, celebrating non-romantic love – to my best friend, my metamour, the longest-standing friend I’m still in contact with, my childhood best friend who moved to Australia when we were 13, and a straight girl with whom I was once in unrequited love/a very emotionally complex friendship.

3 favourite publications elsewhere

  1. The Ethics of Age-Gap Relationships for Girl On The Net. Drawn heavily from my own experience in a relationship with a 20+ year age-gap, I discuss the ethical concerns to take into account if you want to date someone substantially older or younger than yourself.
  2. Sex Robots: The Next Frontier of Sexual Pleasure, or Damaging Rape Simulators? for Sex Tech Guide. I’ve been wanting to explore the topic of sex robots forever, and getting to dive deep into the consent implications of AI now and in the future was fascinating.
  3. Sex Blogging Saved My Soul for Hot Octopuss. A personal story of how this blog, and by extension this community, gave me hope and removed so much of my personal shame around sexuality.

3 favourite events

  1. Eroticon 2018, of course. This event changes my life a little bit for the better each year.
  2. My accidental-sex-party for my birthday.
  3. (Not a sexy event, but) my sibling’s wonderful wedding.

3 amazing books

  1. The Purity Myth by Jessica Valenti. If you want to know what I mean when I say “virginity is a social construct invented to oppress women and girls,” read this book.
  2. Vibrator Nation by Lynn Comela. A fabulous history of feminist sex toy shops and how they did so much for the business and politics of sexual pleasure in America and beyond.
  3. Playing Well With Others by Mollena Williams-Haas and Lee Harrington. The book I wish I’d had when I was entering the kink scene a decade or so ago!

3 superstar humans (apart from my two romantic partners!)

  1. Kayla Lords of Loving BDSM, The Smutlancer and more. I never stop learning from this amazing woman (and her equally wonderful husband!) In particular, she’s done so much for me personally with regards to advising me as I launch my Smutlancing career and try to go full time as a professional writer.
  2. Quinn Rhodes of On Queer Street. Yes, you’ve probably gathered by now that we’re play-partners, but beyond and separately from that, in this remarkable woman I have found a true friend and a creative kindred spirit.
  3. My metamour Pippin. I’ve not always had the best experience with metamours, but they welcomed me with open arms into The Artist’s life and continue to be a wonderful friend. They introduced me to the concept of “radical cosiness” and being a part of this polycule continues to be one of the most profoundly healing experiences of my life.

3 goals for 2019

  1. Make £10,000 from my blog and associated Smutlancing activities this year.
  2. Significantly advance my vanilla writing work and income from this.
  3. Finish my damn novella.

And that’s it, folks. Everyone with me now: fuck you, 2018, you relentless garbage-fire of a year.

Thank God It’s Over.

Ask Amy #8 – “When a Man Can’t Reach Climax”

It’s been a while since we had an Ask Amy column, hasn’t it!? Remember you can always send me your questions using any of the usual ways to get in touch.

I replied to today’s lovely reader privately, but he kindly gave me permission to reproduce his question for the column as I suspect there are lots of people who could benefit from this advice. He asks:

Any ideas for a guy who can’t reach climax? I experience a loss of sensation due to my ongoing illness and the medication I have to take. Sometimes using a high-powered vibrator like my wife’s Doxy helps, but only occasionally. I still enjoy sex and try not to worry too much about orgasm, but you can understand this is very frustrating. Sometimes I just don’t want to bother. There’s so much information out there about premature ejaculation, but not much about loss of sensation or inability to climax for men.

This is such a great question, and one that is so rarely talked about. As you correctly identified, there’s tonnes of information for cis guys who orgasm too quickly, but very little for those who struggle to get there in the timeframe they’d like… or at all.

First, I’m going to give you the obvious but necessary advice. Try, if possible, to relax and not stress about it. For a lot of people, making climax the express goal of sex or masturbation stresses them out so much that it makes it even MORE difficult to get there. And remember, you can still have loads of sexy fun without orgasm and even without a hard penis.

Secondly, if you haven’t already, please talk to your doctor. I don’t know what medication you’re on, but anorgasmia and difficulty orgasming is a hugely common and problematic side effect of many medications, including common antidepressants such as SSRIs. (Ask me how I know!) Sadly, many medical professionals don’t take sexual side effects seriously. But sex is an important part of life for many people, doctors need to take these side effects seriously. There may not be another medical solution, depending on the specifics and what your condition is. But it’s an avenue worth exploring if you haven’t already.

Third, I’m going to make a couple of toy suggestions for you. You mentioned using the Doxy wand can sometimes bring you to orgasm. How are you using it? If you’re just pressing it against your cock, that’s awesome for a lot of men but you might also wish to try using an attachment. My partner absolutely loves the Hummer. The advantage of an attachment like this is that it transmits the vibrations all over the penis, rather than concentrating them in the one spot where the toy is sitting.

I also highly recommend you check out the Pulse III by Hot Octopuss. Unlike the Doxy, this “guybrator” is actually not a vibrator at all. It uses PulsePlate technology, an oscillating mechanism based on proven medical research. It’s the same medical technology that is used to help men with spinal cord injuries to ejaculate. It can be used on either a flaccid or erect penis. Tests have shown that it can induce climax even while the penis is flaccid! Of course, no toy is perfect for everyone, but given that this one was based on devices designed for those with little or no sensation, I think there’s a very real possibility it will be a great option for you.

Hot Octopuss have kindly offered a limited time discount code for Coffee & Kink readers. Use code PULSE15 at checkout between now and 18th October to get 15% off the Pulse Solo or Duo.

This sounds like a really frustrating situation for you. I really hope some of this advice is helpful. I also really hope that seeking further medical advice specifically around the sexual side effects of your medication gives you some answers.

Today’s advice column is kindly supported by Hot Octopuss. Using any of the affiliate links in this post to purchase toys sends a small commission my way and helps support my writing and sex education work.