[Toy Review] Hot Octopuss Atom Plus Lux

This review has been a long time coming. For various reasons, we kept getting thwarted each time we tried to test out this toy! But better late than never, and I’m pleased to be bringing you a review of the Hot Octopuss Atom Plus Lux today.

What is the Atom Plus Lux?

The Atom Plus Lux is the newest vibrating cock ring from Hot Octopuss, London-based purveyors of innovative sex toys. It’s an upgrade on the original Hot Octopus Atom Plus, the main difference being that it now comes with a remote control.

Hot Octopuss Atom Plus Lux cock ring

The Atom Plus Lux measures 4.72″ in length and 2.36″ in total width. It is made of ultra soft and body-safe matte black silicone and adorned with plastic accents on each end, which is also where the buttons live. The top is stamped with the Hot Octopuss crown insignia.

The Atom Plus Lux contains two motors. Motor #1 is housed at the top and designed to deliver vibrations to the head and upper shaft of the penis, as well as the receptive partner’s clitoris during penetrative sex. The second motor lives in the base and, combined with the pronounced ridge, stimulates the wearer’s perineum.

Atom Plus Lux vibrating cock ring viewed from the side

The Atom Plus Lux is rechargeable via the included USB cable. Charging takes 2 hours and you get around 40 minutes’ use out of a full charge, which isn’t amazing. It is fully waterproof, should you want to use it in the bath or shower.

How powerful is it?

One thing Hot Octopuss has consistently got right is their motors. The Atom Plus Lux’s two motors are impressively powerful, certainly more so than any other vibrating cock ring I’ve tried. That said, they are a little on the buzzy side. They do not have the deep, satisfying rumbles of the “bass” motors in, say, the Jett or the Kurve.

The Atom Plus Lux offers five levels of power and five vibrating patterns. I asked Mr CK how the vibrations felt to him. His answer: “I mean, they’re fine, but they won’t get me off”. I could definitely orgasm from this toy if I used it just for clitoral stimulation, but probably not during penetrative sex (for reasons I’ll get into below).

By the way: the two motors are integrated, so you cannot control them separately.

How does it fare in use?

I am coming to the conclusion that Mr CK and I just don’t really care for vibrating cock rings all that much. The idea of them is good, but in practice they tend to be more trouble than they’re really worth.

Hot Octopuss Atom Plus Lux vibrating cock ring on Godemiche Ambit silicone dildo
Feat. Godemiche Ambit in a limited edition Valentine’s Day design.

You have to put on the Atom Plus Lux when the penis is flaccid or semi-flaccid, and it has to sit behind the testicles (we tried it first just around the penis, and it just moves around and slips off). The silicone is pretty rigid and hard to stretch for long at first, although it does loosen up a little after a few uses. That said, if you suffer from pain or muscle weakness in your hands, you may find it challenging to put on.

Part of the idea behind vibrating cock rings is that most people with vulvas need sustained clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. The problem is that they don’t really provide that stimulation very well! While I appreciate the extra clitoral sensation that comes from using a vibrating cock ring like the Atom Plus Lux, it’s neither consistent nor sustained enough to actually get me off unless my partner just, sort of, puts his penis inside me and then doesn’t move. (Which… can be hot and is apparently a thing Mormons don’t think counts as sex, but it’s not really our thing!)

Remote control cock ring Hot Octopuss Atom Plus Lux remote

The Atom Plus Lux’s controls are easy to use, with an on/off/change pattern button located on the bottom and the speed buttons located on either side at the top. The remote control is a nice addition, as pressing buttons on the toy itself can be a little fiddly mid-fuck!

Verdict

The Atom Plus Lux is a very well-designed and well-made vibrating cock ring with two reasonably powerful motors. I don’t think we’ll be using it much, but that’s got very little to do with the product itself.

Honestly, if any toy was going to turn me into a vibrating cock ring convert, it’d be this one. Sadly, it really hasn’t, so I have to conclude they’re probably not for me.

That said, if you enjoy (or think you might enjoy) this kind of toy, the Atom Plus Lux is a good bet! Hot Octopuss’s products are well-made and built to last and, if something does go wrong, their customer service is stellar. I actually recently had an issue with a different product and they sorted it so quickly and professionally.

The Atom Plus Lux retails for £89.95 (that’s $129.95 for my American friends).

Thanks to Hot Octopuss, who sent me this product in exchange for an honest review. All views and images in this post are mine. Affiliate links are included and if you shop through them, I make a small commission at no extra cost to you.

Lovehoney Sex Toy Advent Calendar Door #22: Penis Sleeve

With only three days to go, we’re definitely into the home stretch of this adventure now! In case you’re brand new here (hi, welcome!) I’m currently reviewing Lovehoney’s “Best Sex of Your Life” adult advent calendar, a set aimed at couples which offers a sex toy, kinky implement, or other item to improve your sex life each day.

So what’s behind Door #22?

Door #22: Penis Sleeve

Lovehoney textured penis sleeve

I’ve had a wide range of feelings about the items in this advent calendar, ranging from very positive to “ugh, seriously?” But today is the first one that has genuinely, seriously annoyed me! Let’s take a look at this stretchy penis sleeve and find out why I’m going “aaaaahhhhhh no!”

  • Material: A jelly-like “soft plastic”, possibly TPE.
  • Colour: Clear.
  • Body safe? No. More on why below.
  • Power: N/A.
  • Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
  • Size: 4″ total length, very stretchy.
  • Lube compatible: Should work with any kind of lube.
  • Cleaning: You really can’t clean this material. Gentle soap and warm water will clean surface dirt but since it’s porous, it’ll never be entirely clean again.
Lovehoney textured penis extender

The basic idea of a penis sleeve like this is that you stretch it over your penis before penetrative sex. The bumps and nodules supposedly offer additional stimulation to the receptive partner, while helping the wearer to “last longer”, presumably by reducing the sensations they can feel.

Setting aside all the problems with the ubiquitous idea that a penis owner’s job is to “last” as long as possible during sex, the premise of this toy pisses me off. Sure, wearing a penis sleeve might mean you don’t come as quickly (or at all, until you take it off). Why? Because you can’t fucking feel anything!

I also seriously question how much these little jelly bumps and ridges are going to do for the person being penetrated. They’re not really pronounced enough to have the effect of, say, a highly textured dildo. I suspect the effect, for most people, will be little more than that of one of those “ribbed for her pleasure” condoms (i.e. basically nothing.)

Then we get into the safety issue. The website and packaging insists this penis sleeve doesn’t contain phthalates, so let’s take that at face value. But phthalates aren’t the only reason to be wary of jelly-like, “soft plastic” and TPE/TPR sex toys. According to toxic toy expert Dangerous Lilly, these materials are often softened with mineral oils and can contain other harmful chemicals besides phthalates. The material is also unstable and will begin to break down after a few months. (That myth about silicone toys melting together in storage? They won’t, but these mystery soft plastic toys likely will!)

Lovehoney penis sleeve on Godemiche Ambit silicone dildo
Feat. the Godemiche Ambit in a limited-edition Valentine’s Day design

This material is also extremely porous. I have mixed feelings about porous materials for external toys (TL;dr: probably okay for a few uses, but replace them often) but I NEVER recommend using them internally. Just from handling this penis sleeve, taking photos, and leaving it out on my desk overnight, it’s started to dull and get cloudy with lint, house dust, and the oils from my skin. You will NEVER get this thing clean, and it will harbour bacteria that could potentially give you a nasty infection. If you absolutely must use it for sex, please use it once and then throw it in the trash where it belongs.

Bottom line: I actually can’t tell you how it feels, because my partner and I both refuse to put this contraption anywhere near our genitals. Steer clear. I cannot stress enough how much I hate it. The fact that it’s included in a set that is fundamentally marketed at beginners, who may not know any better (because we don’t exactly get taught about toy safety in sex education), just makes it worse.

If you want to get your own Best Sex of Your Life advent calendar, they retail for £120. You can also get 10% off this or anything else you want to order at Lovehoney by using my code “coffkink10” at checkout.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending us the Best Sex of Your Life couples’ sex toy advent calendar to review. All views are our own. Affiliate links appear in this post and shopping through them helps to keep the site going!

Lovehoney Sex Toy Advent Calendar Door #17: Rabbit Cock Ring

In case you’re brand new here, I’m currently reviewing the Lovehoney “Best Sex of Your Life” adult advent calendar day by day, and today is Day 17. We’ve had better sex supplies, toys for penises, bondage and BDSM gear, and much more.

Let’s open Door #17…

Door #17: Rabbit Cock Ring

Today’s offering is a rabbit cock ring. It can be used alone, but to get the most out of it you’ll want to pair it with the bullet vibe found in Door #1 or any other bullet vibe in your collection. The ring sits around the penis, restricting blood flow out of the wearer’s erection, while the rabbit ears tickle the receptive partner’s clitoris. It looks a little something like this:

Silicone rabbit cock ring for couples

Here are the basic facts and stats:

  • Material: Silicone.
  • Colour: Black.
  • Body safe? Yes. Silicone is non-porous, hygienic, and body-safe.
  • Power: No inbuilt power, use with any bullet vibe.
  • Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
  • Size: 3.5″ in total length. Ears measure 1″. Diameter of opening is 1.5″ without stretching.
  • Lube compatible: Yes, water-based or oil-based lubes are compatible.
  • Cleaning: Boiling or a 10% bleach solution for a full clean.

I really like this cock ring. It is stretchy enough to fit the vast majority of penis sizes, but strong enough to provide a pleasurable squeeze and stay securely in place.

The rabbit ears really make this one for me. The silicone transmits vibrations well, and the fluttering from the ears feels amazing against my clit.

I’ll be honest: I rarely orgasm from using this kind of toy during penetrative sex. That’s because, once you add any kind of thrusting into the mix, the clitoral stimulation is too eratic and inconsistent to get me off. But that doesn’t mean the extra sensation isn’t very welcome.

I can honestly see myself using this ring separately for clitoral masturbation as well as for partnered sex. Those ears are just that good, especially when paired with a high powered bullet like the Blush Nocturnal (pictured here):

Silicone rabbit cock ring with Blush Nocturnal powerful bullet vibrator

If you’re a penis owner, you could also use this ring for masturbation either by itself or with a bullet. Try turning the ears around so they tickle your balls, if that sounds hot to you.

A versatile toy that is a great addition to this kit.

The Best Sex of Your Life advent calendar for couples retails for £120 at Lovehoney. Use my code “coffkink10” at checkout to get 10% off your entire Lovehoney order.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending us the Best Sex of Your Life couples’ sex toy advent calendar to review. All views are our own. Affiliate links appear in this post and shopping through them helps to keep the site going!

Lovehoney Sex Toy Advent Calendar Door #12: Penis Stroker

Receiving the Lovehoney “Best Sex of Your Life” adult advent calendar was a slight moment of sex blogger pride for me. I’ve coveted these things to review for a while, but this is the first time I’ve been able to get my hands on one.

I’m opening a door each day and reviewing the set a piece at a time, occasionally with Mr CK’s help. Today is Day 12!

Door #12: Penis Stroker

Lovehoney male stroker male masturbator in box

Behind Door #12 is a stroker for people with penises. (It’s called a “male stroker” on the box. Lovehoney, I love you but please sort out the unnecessarily gendered language for next year!)

  • Material: Some kind of soft plastic, most likely TPE/TRP.
  • Colour: White.
  • Body safe? Kinda. The box indicates these strokers do not contain any phthalates, but the material is super porous. They’re safe enough for external use but won’t last very long.
  • Power: N/A
  • Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
  • Size: 2.5″ in length but SUPER stretchy.
  • Lube compatible: Water-based only, according to the instructions.
  • Cleaning: Gentle soap and warm water. This material is porous so you won’t be able to get it fully clean. Consider it fluid-bonded to the person who uses it. I’d also suggest you throw it out after a few uses or if the material starts to degrade.

This specific product doesn’t seem to be available by itself, but it is very similar to the strokers you get in Tenga Eggs. It is textured inside and designed to fit over the head of the penis and then stretch as you masturbate your (or your partner’s) penis.

It’s very stretchy and pretty strong, so it will accommodate a wide range of sizes and you don’t need to worry about ripping it. It comes pre-lubricated, but adding extra water-based lube will only make your experience more enjoyable.

Lovehoney penis stroker on Godemiche Adam silicone dildo
Feat. Godemiche Adam dildo in Effulgence Blood Red

How does it feel? Let’s just say I got a very good response from an initially-sceptical Mr CK. If you usually masturbate with your hand, strokers can be a brilliant way to change things up and add a new sensation. And if you enjoy hand sex with a partner, a textured penis stroker can turn a good hand job into an amazing hand job.

If you get this kit and enjoy using this stroker, I’d suggest swapping out to a more durable (preferably silicone) one when you can. Failing that, Tenga Eggs are pretty affordable at £9.99 so you can just replace them frequently.

Get 10% off the Best Sex of Your Life sex toy advent calendar (RRP £120) by using my code “coffkink10” at checkout. These calendars are only available for a limited time and will sell out, so grab yours asap if you’re interested.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending us the Best Sex of Your Life couples’ sex toy advent calendar to review. All views are our own. Affiliate links appear in this post and shopping through them helps to keep the site going!

Lovehoney Sex Toy Advent Calendar Door #2: Adjustable Cock Ring

In case you missed yesterday’s post, I just received the Lovehoney “Best Sex of Your Life” sex toy advent calendar for couples. Each of its 24 windows contains a sex toy or other product to enhance your sex life. It’s aimed at pairings made up of a penis owner and vulva owner, but many of the items are unisex.

Mr CK and I are opening one door per day over 24 days and trying out what we find. Today is Day 2, so let’s take a look…

Door #2: Adjustable Cock Ring

Sex toy advent calendar for couples day 2

Today’s surprise is an adjustable silicone cock ring. Let’s start with some basic details.

  • Material: Silicone with an ABS plastic slider
  • Colour: Red
  • Body safe? Yes – silicone is body-safe and non-porous.
  • Power: N/A
  • Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
  • Size: 5.5″ in total length.
  • Lube compatible: Yes, water-based and oil-based.
  • Cleaning: Gentle soap and warm water, boiling, or a 10% bleach solution.
Adjustable cock ring from Lovehoney adult advent calendar for couples

A quick primer for beginners: the purpose of a cock ring is to restrict blood flow out of an erect penis. Some people report that cock rings help them to keep an erection for longer, make their penis feel harder, and provide extra pleasure for the wearer by increasing sensitivity. Some people believe they also help with erectile dysfunction, though research on this is spotty.

Cock rings sometimes come with vibrations and all kinds of fun additional features, but this one is as straightforward as it gets. Just slide it on and you’re good to go.

The beauty of this simple cock ring is that it’s completely adjustable and will fit all penis sizes. Simply press the easy-to-use button on the slider, and tug on the loop end to loosen or the tail ends to tighten. It’s also stretchy, so you can put it on before you’re fully hard and it will stretch to comfortably accommodate your erection.

Woman adjusting the Lovehoney cock ring from the Best Sex of Your Life advent calendar

The silicone is comfortable enough to wear once it’s in place, but is quite “grabby” on the skin as you slide it on. Apply water-based lube to the ring and/or to your penis before you put it on.

If you’ve never worn a cock ring before, experiment with different placements. Try it around the base of your penis in front of the balls, or behind the balls for an extra squeeze. Different people have different preferences, so see what feels best for you. Using this adjustable cock ring should not hurt. If you feel pain, readjust or stop.

Godemiche Adam glitter dildo with adjustable cock ring
Feat. Godemiche Adam dildo in Effulgence Blood Red

If you’ve never used a cock ring before, then this one is a great place to start. You can start off with a looser fit and experiment to see which placing and what level of tightness feels best. Simple but effective, plus durable and long-lasting. Similar rings retail on Lovehoney for around £9.99.

The Best Sex of Your Life advent calendar is available from Lovehoney for £120. Get 10% off this or any other purchase at Lovehoney by using my code “coffkink10” at checkout. These calendars are limited edition, so grab yours while they’re available!

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending us the Best Sex of Your Life couples’ sex toy advent calendar to review. All views are our own. Affiliate links appear in this post and shopping through them helps to keep the site going!

[Toy Review] Blowmotion Pulse Vibration Masturbator

Happy December, gang! Today is the first day of a very special project I’m working on with my friends at Lovehoney. It’s called the #12DaysofLovehoney and every day from today until December 11th, I’ll be bringing you a new product review. On the 12th, there will be an opportunity to win an exciting prize!

First up is the Blowmotion Pulse Vibration, a masturbator for people with penises. Being the good sport he is, my stunt cock Mr CK had ample input into this review. Let’s get started.

What is the Blowmotion Pulse Vibration?

Blowmotion is a line of six toys for penis owners exclusively available at Lovehoney. I received the Blowmotion Pulse Vibration masturbator, which looks like this:

The Blowmotion Pulse Vibration masturbator

It is 6 inches long in total, but the canal (the bit where the penis goes) is only about two inches deep. Powered by electro-magnetic technology, it is designed to deliver stimulation to the head of the penis (the most sensitive part for a lot of people).

The Blowmotion arrived in a sleek black and green box – the packaging wouldn’t be out of place housing a fancy gadget or a high-end aftershave. The toy is also black with green accents. It’s smart and masculine without being aggressively MANLY.

The Blowmotion is USB rechargeable and I got about 40 minutes of play out of a full charge. Passable, but not great. It is made of smooth and body-safe silicone, which is a very welcome change from penis toys made from gross jelly materials and porous TPE! The silicone on one side of the canal is stretchy, allowing for comfortable insertion. Just remember to use plenty of water-based lube.

Settings and controls

The Blowmotion Pulse Vibration features two forms of stimulation: standard vibrations, and the thrusting motion that gave it its name. Settings are controlled via 3 buttons: the middle button switches the toy on and off, the top one controls the thrusting, and the bottom one controls the vibrations.

The Blowmotion Pulse Vibration masturbator

There are 7 thrusting modes (3 speeds and 4 patterns) and 14 vibration modes (5 speeds and 9 patterns). Since you can control them separately, you can use them in any combination you wish, including leaving either one switched off entirely. The versatility is impressive and makes the toy more likely to be friendly to a range of bodies.

The buttons are a little small and fiddly. I also found that the setting didn’t always change reliably – sometimes I had to press a button twice. And having to scroll through 7 or 14 settings if you accidentally miss the one you like? Yeah, that’s annoying.

How did it feel?

Though we were initially impressed with the look and luxurious feel of the Blowmotion, we found it disappointing in practice. Since the thrusting motion is concentrated in the base of the toy, Mr CK reported that he could hardly feel it. I stuck my fingers in it and switched it on to get an idea of the sensation, and was similarly underwhelmed. The vibrations are okay, but pretty buzzy and nothing to write home about, power-wise.

The Blowmotion Pulse Vibration masturbator

This toy is also not ideal if you like a lot of attention paid to your shaft as opposed to just the head of your penis. Since it’s only 2 inches deep, it’s really a head-only toy. If you prefer all stimulation focused there, you might find the Blowmotion Pulse Vibration ideal. Otherwise, it probably won’t do much for you.

It’s also worth noting that if you’re above average in the girth department, the Blowmotion might be uncomfortable for you to use. The canal is fairly narrow and that little bit of stretch will only get you so far.

Mr CK wasn’t able to get anywhere close to orgasm with it, and we’re unlikely to use it again.

Final thoughts

While we loved the idea of the Blowmotion, it just doesn’t really deliver in practice. In my opinion, it’s not worth the £74.99 pricetag. You’ll be better off buying a wand and a masturbator attachment.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending me this product to review! Views are, as always, my own. Affiliate links appear in this and all toy review posts. Want to support the blog? Signing up to my newsletter and buying me a coffee are great ways to do that!

[Toy Review] Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration Masturbator

Satisfyer are really churning them out lately, aren’t they? A few weeks after receiving the now-infamous shipment of 7 new toys for vulvas, I received a parcel the other day containing two new penis toys. They seem very similar, so I got rid of one via a Twitter giveaway, and kept the other one to test make Mr CK test. Meet the Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration Masturbator (hereafter ‘Satisfyer Men Heat’).

Keep your gendered marketing

I’m opposed to gendered marketing of sex toys. Not everyone who has a penis is a man, and not all men have penises! Trans and nonbinary people exist! Unnecessarily gendering toys not only makes trans and NB folks feel ignored and sidelined, it’s also just bad business. Why would you want to alienate a part of your potential customer base? So I was already a bit “ugh” about this product just from the name. But I tried to keep an open mind, I really did.

“A stylish playmate for modern guys”

This is how the Satisfyer Men Heat is described in their marketing copy. I mean… okay, I guess? The colour scheme is black and silver, a minimalistic and stereotypically masculine aesthetic. At first glance, the toy looks like a cross between a portable coffee cup and a torch. One end is closed, and the other is a hole where you insert the penis. The outer is made of ABS plastic, and the fuckable end (sorry, I can’t think how else to describe it) is lined with soft, squishy silicone.

Fuck it, describing this toy is hard, here’s a visual.

The Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration on a white sheet

The Satisfyer Men Heat features a heating function, which warms the toy to three possible levels, the highest being 104F (about 40C, or slightly over normal body temperature). This is designed to make the experience “breathtakingly realistic” which, one assumes, means “it feels like a vagina”. Then there’s “like a blowjob… but BETTER!” as the box claims. I’m skeptical to say the least, but let’s move on.

Size-wise, it’s got about 2.75″ of penetrable depth (so if you like really deep penetration, this isn’t going to be for you). It’s about 3″ wide, and the hole that you penetrate is around 1.5″.

Close up of the Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration

The Satisfyer Men Heat is USB rechargeable and fully waterproof.

Settings & controls

The Satisfyer Men Heat has 4 buttons set into a control panel on the front of the toy. The on/off button is at the top and also changes the vibration pattern. Then you have the +/- buttons to change the speed, and lastly the temperature control button. You can set the toy warming without the vibrations being on, so you might want to give it a few minutes to warm up before playing. It starts getting warm very quickly and the instructions say it comes to temperature in five minutes.

This control panel is really where the problems started. The buttons are not raised at all, so you cannot feel for them with your fingers without a visual. They’re also not clearly marked – thin grey markings on a black background! This means it’s basically impossible to see the buttons properly during use unless you’re in very good light and have perfect vision. In low light, forget it. Mr CK also pointed out that this makes the toy really inaccessible to those with any kind of visual impairment.

Additionally, though you are supposed to be able to adjust the heating function, there is no discernible way to tell which heat setting it’s on. You just get the flashing thermometer icon to indicate that the warming function is on.

This toy boasts “70 different vibration combinations”. I’m not sure how the maths works here, given that by my count it has 8 possible speeds and 6 patterns, making a total of 48 possible options. But what do me and my D in GCSE maths know!?

Care and cleaning

About the best thing I can say about this product is that it is body-safe, which is still shockingly rare for penis toys. Standard masturbators like Fleshlights are all made from porous materials such as TPE, which harbour bacteria and are impossible to get completely clean. Fortunately, silicone is non-porous, phthalate-free and 100% safe. At least Satisfyer got THAT right.

As the Satisfyer Men Heat is waterproof, you can clean it with warm water and gentle soap. It’s a bit of a pain to get clean given the shape, but it can be done with a bit of extra care. If you want to share this toy with a non fluid-bonded partner, you can use it while wearing a condom. As always, I recommend water-based lube – and you’re going to need PLENTY of it if you attempt to use this thing.

So how did it work?

The Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration on a white sheet

“Badly” is, unfortunately, the short and sweet answer. Mr CK was able to fit his penis into the toy with the help of plenty of lube, but he found it uncomfortable. Anyone with a larger than average penis, especially if you’re quite girthy, should avoid this product – you just won’t fit or it’ll hurt! Despite the squishyness of the silicone, it doesn’t have much “give” to make extra room – and one side is completely rigid. This is really a “one size” toy, which doesn’t work at all because penises are so infinitely and gloriously varied. It also makes a squelching noise when you penetrate it, which – while giggle-inducing – is not sexy.

Additionally, the vibrations just didn’t measure up. Even at the highest setting, they’re pretty pathetically weak. Mr CK very quickly concluded that there was zero chance of this toy bringing him anywhere near to orgasm.

When the best your partner can manage is a shrug and an “it’s not… unpleasant?” you know you’re not on to a winning toy.

“But does it feel like fucking a vagina?” I asked. “No,” he said.

“And is it better than a blow job?” “No,” he said again. Never one to waste words.

The verdict

Unfortunately we cannot recommend this product. If you have a penis on the smaller side AND enjoy gentle vibrations, you might get something out of this toy – but otherwise we suggest you spend your money elsewhere. Check out the Godemiche OffBeat, the Hot Octopuss Pulse III or the Hummer wand attachment for some of my most often-recommended penis toys.

Sorry, Satisfyer – I still love you (you’ll have my heart for a while for that amazing flower thing) but seriously, please stop churning things out quite so quickly and develop them more rigorously first.

The Satisfyer Men Heat & Vibration Masturbator retails for $59.95.

Thanks to Satisfyer for sending me this product in exchange for an honest review. All views are, as ever, my own. Pictures are by me. Affiliate links contained within this post make me a small commission if you use them to make a purchase.

[Toy Review] The Godemiche Offbeat

I’ve been sitting on this one for a long damn time, in part because it took us so long to get to actually testing it. But after giving it a second trial run this morning, I am ready to tell you all about the Offbeat, from Godemiche.

It’s no secret that I fucking love Godemiche. This UK-based team run by husband-and-wife duo Adam and Monika have been making gorgeous, hand-poured silicone dildos for a number of years now… and now they’ve branched out into penis toys as well! (And yes, their marketing copy refers to the Offbeat as a “toy for the penis”, not a “toy for men” – hooray! I wish all companies would go this inclusive route).

The Godemiche Offbeat sitting on a red laptop keyboard.

Let’s go OffBeat…

The OffBeat is a tube-shaped silicone masturbator sleeve. Inside it has a simple bobble texture, while the outside has a gentle ripple. Each one has the company name stamped along the rim at the bottom, and the “G” Godemiche logo on the side. Each OffBeat comes in its own little storage tub – it looks like a miniature poster tube. This useful addition makes for easy and hygienic storage.

The Godemiche Offbeat lying on my desk

Sizes and colours and customising, oh my!

OffBeat comes in two sizes: Grande is 5cm in length, and Venti is 10cm in length. (And those who understand will know why these size names made me laugh!) Both sizes are 3cm in diameter. We received the longer Venti version for review. Even this larger size is compact and lightweight. Easy to throw in your bag for a date or a filthy weekend away!

Which size you pick is up to your preferences. If you prefer plenty of concentrated stimulation around the head of your penis, I suggest going for the smaller Grande. Godemiche point out that the Grande is also a great companion to oral sex. Simply tease the head of the penis for a while, then slide the Grande down the shaft and use it to stimulate the base of the penis while giving your partner head, simulating the feeling of a deeper blowjob. The longer Venti, on the other hand, is ideal if you prefer longer strokes and plenty of up-and-down motion. If you’re looking for something that comes closer to simulating penetration, you definitely want to go for the Venti.

The Godemiche Offbeat on a green carpet

One of my favourite things about Godemiche is the sheer variety of colours and styles on offer. Whatever colour toy you want, they can probably make it for you! I have a one-of-a-kind bi pride Ambit that I bought in a charity auction and it’s one of my favourite toys ever. I also bought a gorgeous red Adam in their last sale and I’m lusting HARD after this turquoise glittery Ambit.

The OffBeat currently comes in 6 standard colours, 8 fabulously bright UV colours, and 12 gorgeous pearlescent colours. Ours is pearlescent gold and it’s absolutely beautiful.

A refreshing body-safe offering

Sex toy options for people with penises are often woefully lacking. This is gradually changing as awesome companies like Hot Octopuss, Fun Factory and now Godemiche start offering brilliant cock toys. Unfortunately, most of the strokers on the market are still made of porous and sometimes toxic materials such as jelly, rubber, PVC, TPE/TPR and the notoriously vague “Realistic Feel”.

So of course I am delighted that the OffBeat is made of 100% silicone. This means it is completely body-safe: non-toxic and non-porous.

The Godemiche Offbeat on a purple dildo sticking to some black bathroom wall tiles
Featured Stunt Dildo is the Lovehoney 7 Inch Suction Cup Silicone Dildo

To clean your OffBeat after use, turn it inside out and wash it thoroughly with warm water and gentle soap. Take extra care to ensure that no fluids remain trapped between the bobbles. You can also sterilise your stroker by sticking it in a pan of boiling water for 10 minutes, or running it through the dishwasher in the top rack.

If you want to share the toy with a non fluid-bonded partner, it’s easy to give it a wash between uses or you can just wear a condom, which shouldn’t impede the toy’s performance in any way.

For maximum comfort and pleasure, use a good quality water-based lube. I recommend slathering plenty of lube inside the stroker and also putting some directly on your penis.

So how does it feel?

Now, obviously I don’t have a dick, so I turned to my trusty stunt-cock Mr CK to help me out with this one. His reaction when I lubed up the toy and slid it onto his cock was instantaneous. Apparently the bobbles on the inside of the toy provided a good amount of friction and sensation without needing to grip very hard at all. This may make it a good choice for people who find gripping hard during masturbation difficult, such as those who suffer from pain in their hands. I certainly found it made pleasuring him for a decent length of time easier.

The Godemiche Offbeat on the side of a bath, around a purple dildo

Mr CK also explained that one of the things he likes about this toy is that it is so simple but really makes masturbation feel substantially different from usual. He likened it to the difference between wanking with your dominant vs non-dominant hand, or the difference between masturbating yourself and having someone else do it for you. Basically, if you’re looking to change up your usual masturbation routine, grab yourself one of these!

The gentle ripple shape of the outside of the sleeve means it sits comfortably in the hand, a finger in each dip. We also tried the toy with me pleasuring him with it, and found this was equally true whichever of us was doing the work.

Size-wise, this is a flexible toy. It stretches well and then “hugs” the penis once it’s inside, so would suit a wide variety of penis lengths and girths.

An absolute hit. I think this one is going to live in the “easy access basket” for things we use all the time.

(The Easy Access Basket just needs its own damn post, doesn’t it?)

Do we recommend it?

We really like this toy! It’s simple, highly effective, body-safe, affordable and should suit a wide range of bodies.

OffBeat retails for £25 for the Venti size directly from Godemiche. The smaller Grande size is £20.

Thanks to Godemiche for sending us the OffBeat in exchange for an honest review. All views in this post are our own and images were taken by me. This post contains a couple of affiliate links, which send a small commission my way when you buy from them. Links to Godemiche are non-affiliated.