Lovehoney Sex Toy Advent Calendar Door #22: Penis Sleeve

With only three days to go, we’re definitely into the home stretch of this adventure now! In case you’re brand new here (hi, welcome!) I’m currently reviewing Lovehoney’s “Best Sex of Your Life” adult advent calendar, a set aimed at couples which offers a sex toy, kinky implement, or other item to improve your sex life each day.

So what’s behind Door #22?

Door #22: Penis Sleeve

Lovehoney textured penis sleeve

I’ve had a wide range of feelings about the items in this advent calendar, ranging from very positive to “ugh, seriously?” But today is the first one that has genuinely, seriously annoyed me! Let’s take a look at this stretchy penis sleeve and find out why I’m going “aaaaahhhhhh no!”

  • Material: A jelly-like “soft plastic”, possibly TPE.
  • Colour: Clear.
  • Body safe? No. More on why below.
  • Power: N/A.
  • Waterproof: Yes, submersible.
  • Size: 4″ total length, very stretchy.
  • Lube compatible: Should work with any kind of lube.
  • Cleaning: You really can’t clean this material. Gentle soap and warm water will clean surface dirt but since it’s porous, it’ll never be entirely clean again.
Lovehoney textured penis extender

The basic idea of a penis sleeve like this is that you stretch it over your penis before penetrative sex. The bumps and nodules supposedly offer additional stimulation to the receptive partner, while helping the wearer to “last longer”, presumably by reducing the sensations they can feel.

Setting aside all the problems with the ubiquitous idea that a penis owner’s job is to “last” as long as possible during sex, the premise of this toy pisses me off. Sure, wearing a penis sleeve might mean you don’t come as quickly (or at all, until you take it off). Why? Because you can’t fucking feel anything!

I also seriously question how much these little jelly bumps and ridges are going to do for the person being penetrated. They’re not really pronounced enough to have the effect of, say, a highly textured dildo. I suspect the effect, for most people, will be little more than that of one of those “ribbed for her pleasure” condoms (i.e. basically nothing.)

Then we get into the safety issue. The website and packaging insists this penis sleeve doesn’t contain phthalates, so let’s take that at face value. But phthalates aren’t the only reason to be wary of jelly-like, “soft plastic” and TPE/TPR sex toys. According to toxic toy expert Dangerous Lilly, these materials are often softened with mineral oils and can contain other harmful chemicals besides phthalates. The material is also unstable and will begin to break down after a few months. (That myth about silicone toys melting together in storage? They won’t, but these mystery soft plastic toys likely will!)

Lovehoney penis sleeve on Godemiche Ambit silicone dildo
Feat. the Godemiche Ambit in a limited-edition Valentine’s Day design

This material is also extremely porous. I have mixed feelings about porous materials for external toys (TL;dr: probably okay for a few uses, but replace them often) but I NEVER recommend using them internally. Just from handling this penis sleeve, taking photos, and leaving it out on my desk overnight, it’s started to dull and get cloudy with lint, house dust, and the oils from my skin. You will NEVER get this thing clean, and it will harbour bacteria that could potentially give you a nasty infection. If you absolutely must use it for sex, please use it once and then throw it in the trash where it belongs.

Bottom line: I actually can’t tell you how it feels, because my partner and I both refuse to put this contraption anywhere near our genitals. Steer clear. I cannot stress enough how much I hate it. The fact that it’s included in a set that is fundamentally marketed at beginners, who may not know any better (because we don’t exactly get taught about toy safety in sex education), just makes it worse.

If you want to get your own Best Sex of Your Life advent calendar, they retail for £120. You can also get 10% off this or anything else you want to order at Lovehoney by using my code “coffkink10” at checkout.

Thanks to Lovehoney for sending us the Best Sex of Your Life couples’ sex toy advent calendar to review. All views are our own. Affiliate links appear in this post and shopping through them helps to keep the site going!

[Toy Review] Sexy Liberation Lipstick Bullet Vibe

I absolutely love the idea of Sexy Liberation, a company that not only sells sex toys but also offers a small selection for free (for those outside the US, you have to pay shipping, but it’s pretty reasonable.)

They say:

“Many people don’t have access to or haven’t been exposed to the exciting world of sexual exploration, we want to help people, especially women, by being a stepping stone. Personal experimentation with sex aids can help women discover and embrace their own sources of pleasure.  And a woman who knows herself sexually will feel more confident talking honestly with her partner about her needs and desires. If you are woman in a relationship that is having trouble getting off, we are here for you.”

And for that, they are to be applauded.

Unfortunately, there’s little point giving out free toys if the toys themselves are absolute crap. This fucking thing is laughably weak, annoyingly buzzy, aesthetically stupid (I don’t need my sex toys to look like a fucking lipstick!) and overall just completely pointless. Not to mention it kept popping open and the battery falling out!

Honestly, even if it’s free, just don’t bother. You deserve better! Your genitals deserve better! Get a basic vibrator from Lovehoney on one of their sale days instead. I persevered through several attempts to get myself off with this useless thing, even watching some super-hot porn, but in the end me and my numbed-out, pissed off clit just had to give up.

The Sexy Liberation Lipstick Bullet Vibe, a small bullet vibrator designed to look like a pink lipstick.


Plus points: it’s discreet, it’s quiet, it’s ostensibly waterproof, and it was free.

My Ratings (all scores out of 5★)

Price:
If you don’t qualify to get the toy for free, it’s $12.99 (about £10.) But even this small amount of money is way too much to spend when weighed against how useless it is. You could spend the same or even slightly less and have a chance of getting something that might actually get you off.

Materials: ★★★
It’s pretty clearly ABS plastic, but for some reason is described on the site in the vaguest and most uninformative terms possible. It’s described as a “firm, non-silicone plastic.” What the fuck does that mean? ABS plastic is at least non-porous and non-toxic, but Sexy Liberation are losing points here for not

Appearance:
It looks like a lipstick in a horrible colour. For saying this company is supposedly about “liberation,” the lipstick thing to me just screams of “you need to be ashamed of owning sex toys and disguise them to look like other things!” I’m not here for it. Also it’s pink.

Ease of Use: ★★
It’s super light and operates on a simple on-off twist motion. Unfortunately, if you turn it too far or just very slightly wrong, the battery pops out.

Ease of care & cleaning: ★★
The Lipstick Bullet can be wiped clean – I recommend a body-safe sterile wipe from medical suppliers. It’s apparently waterproof (not sure how far I’d trust that claim though, given the overall lack of structural integrity and tendency to fall apart in my fucking hand.) Luckily, you won’t need to clean it as the odds of anyone using this thing more than once are frankly close to zero.

Versatility:
This toy has exactly two functions: on and off. The lipstick shape means you have a narrow edge for precision stimulation and a wider side for more general vibrations, but honestly it’s so small and weak enough that I can’t bring myself to care about pinpoint or broad stimulation.

Intensity:
Pathetic to the point of useless. Buzzier than an entire hive of bees. If my clitoris could talk, it would be yelling “WHAT IS THE GODDAMN POINT OF THIS!?”

Overall Score:
Unfortunately, though I love the idea of this scheme, I am going to throw this toy straight in the trash as soon as I’ve stopped yelling on the internet about how terrible it is.

Looking for a basic lipstick vibrator? Lovehoney have got you covered!

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