Please don’t be alarmed by the title of this post: having my safeword ignored isn’t something that has happened to be in many years. However, it is something I hear about from other kinksters with alarming frequency. I hate how common this scenario is, and I wanted to address it.

For anyone who doesn’t know, a safeword is an agreed-upon word that clearly and unambiguously means “stop immediately.” Safewords are employed in kink and BDSM situations, particularly those where words like “no” and “stop” not being taken at face value is part of the game or fantasy. They’re a way to withdraw consent with no risk of being misunderstood.

“Red” is a common safeword (with the accompanying “orange”/”amber” meaning pause and check in.) But your safeword can be whatever you want it to be. Fun fact: my first one was “canary.”

A safeword is an absolute. You should never play without one, no matter how long you’ve been together, and you should never, ever ignore one. Oh, and if you haven’t explicitly agreed otherwise, “no” and “stop” are the ultimate safewords in every context.

First: No, You’re Not Overreacting About Having Your Safeword Ignored

If a Dom has ignored your safeword, you might feel a range of different emotions. You might feel angry, sad, betrayed, frightened, numb, or something else entirely. When a Dom ignored my safeword in a scene years ago, I felt scared first, sad second, and angry much later. Your experience might look very different.

Whatever you feel, and whether the harm is physical or psychological or both, your feelings are valid. You are not overreacting.

Seek Support If You Need It

Do you need to talk to a kinky friend or another partner, see a therapist, or yell into the void of an anonymous online forum? You get to seek support, whatever that looks like for you.

If the consent violation occurred in a public or semi-public location such as a dungeon, sex club, munch, or even a private kink party, consider telling an organiser, team member, or dungeon monitor. They should make sure you’re okay and help get you the support you need in the moment. They may also remove the perpetrator from the space and perhaps even issue a (temporary or permanent) ban.

You might also have been physically harmed. If you have been physically injured or been sexually assaulted in a way that leaves you vulnerable to an STI or an unwanted pregnancy, please seek medical attention immediately.

You Don’t Have to Confront the Person Who Ignored Your Safeword, But You Can If You Want To

Your only job is to take care of yourself. You don’t have to confront the person who ignored your safeword and call them out on it or initiate a conversation. But if you want to, you’re also within your rights to do so.

If telling them that what they did was fucked up and not okay, have at it. On the other hand, you might like to open a dialogue about how they can make amends for the harm they caused. If you’d rather stay far away from them, you get to do that, too.

You Don’t Need to Make Any Decisions About the Future of Your Relationship Right Now

Would I ever forgive a Dom who ignored my safeword? No, I don’t think so. But your mileage may vary and there are a lot of factors that go into this decision. You might want to end or change the relationship, or you might want to explore whether repair and reconciliation is possible.

You’re not obligated to give the person a second chance, no matter how apologetic and contrite they seem. Don’t let them guilt you into it if you don’t want to.

If you feel conflicted, you don’t have to decide straight away. You get to take all the time you need.

Speaking Out Is Your Choice

Choosing whether to speak out publicly about your experience is a very personal decision. There are good arguments on both sides and ultimately, the best choice is the one that’s right for you.

Either way, remember that their reputation and standing in the kink community is not your problem. You do not have to keep silent to protect them. You also do not have to make excuses for them or downplay what happened if you do choose to share it with others.

Sadly, when someone speaks up and says “this Dom ignored my safeword”, some people will accuse them of exaggerating or instigating a witch-hunt. You’re not. Keep speaking your truth if you want to.

Having Your Safeword Ignored is Never Your Fault

You might be tempted to blame yourself. You might be wondering if you didn’t say your safeword loudly or forcefully enough[1], if you should have put up more of a physical fight when the Dom continued, or if you used your safeword when it wasn’t “necessary.”

Sometimes, the Dominant in question will seek to blame you, too. One common tactic amongst abusive Doms is to say things like “I knew you could take more”, “I know what you need better than you do”, or “I told you I played hard so you should have known what to expect.”

No. All of this is bullshit. The only person to blame for ignoring your safeword is the person who did it, and there is never any excuse. Kink is about consent and without ongoing, active consent, it is abuse. You get to safeword at any point for any reason and to have it respected.

If you take nothing else away from this piece, please take this: it is not your fault.

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[1] I want to acknowledge that there might be rare incidents where a Dom genuinely does not hear a safeword. This might happen in a loud environment like a club. But in those circumstances, they will be mortified and apologetic and go out of their way to take care of you the moment they realise what has happened. It is also the Dom’s responsibility to ensure consent is ongoing in those environments, whether through clear non-verbal safe signals, regular check-ins, or even just choosing to play somewhere a little quieter.

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